Chapter 62

He climbed the stairs quietly before undressing and getting back into bed. Louisa mumbled to him "Snuggle in and get warmed through." He did as he was told and after a quick intake of breath, she settled back into him. Her warmth radiated through him and before long he was asleep.

At ten to seven Louisa got up and switched off his alarm before going and showering. He was still sleeping so she went and got dressed in the nursery before going down to make breakfast. She knew he'd cancelled his morning patients and didn't have to be at Rev. Clarke's until 10:30 so she decided a lie-in would be beneficial for him.

A little after 8 o'clock she heard him get up and go for his shower. He was dressed and downstairs in no time at all, just in time to receive her farewell kiss before she set off for school.

He was annoyed that she'd let him sleep in, but had to admit he felt better for the extra hours sleep he'd had. "Witch" he muttered under his breath.

He sat down at his desk and began to draw up his list of things he wished to talk about today.

Prompt as usual, Martin was knocking on the vicarage door at the appointed time. "Come in Martin, good to see you." Paul ushered him inside.

A bus was passing by. Mrs Tishell looked out of the window and was surprised to see Dr. Ellingham walking in the front door of the vicarage. Of course, as with anything to do with 'dear Dr. Ellingham' her interest was piqued and she resolved to find out why he was going into the vicarage.

Paul followed Martin to his study and invited him to sit down. Tea or coffee was offered, but Martin stuck to his request for water. "Well Martin, we talked about many things during your last visit. Do you want to revisit some of them or would you like to talk about anything else?"

Martin sipped his water as he thought back to the list of reminders he'd composed. "Yes. I finally admitted to myself and Louisa, that my parents didn't love me, at all. They never had a kind word to reward any of my achievements. I'll make very sure that my child knows how much it is loved and wanted."

"What do you feel about that decision?" Paul wanted to know.

"Frankly, relieved. It feels as though a heavy blanket has been lifted from my shoulders and now, I can see more clearly. I've always felt diminished by not achieving what my parents wanted, but with the benefit of hindsight, I know they didn't feel love for me, I was just an encumbrance to them. It is a liberating feeling. Louisa has assured me that I am worthy of respect, and yes, love." Martin's eyes became a little teary at this point.

"That must have been a very emotional realisation for you, Martin. Not only have you realised that your parents felt very little for you, but to accept Louisa's love as your due is heart-warming indeed."

"I think it will take time for the repercussions of my realisation to sink in. I'm not fully on terms with it. I have wondered whether I would have progressed so far in my career, if I'd not been so studiously ignored by them. Realistically, I'll never know, but it also has made me accept the truth of what you said about my using them, as a faulty yardstick."

Paul nodded, "I'm glad you accepted that, Martin. I have garnered many opinions about you, and the most frequent observation made, is that you are a top-class doctor who will do everything in his power for his patients. That is no mean accolade."

"I have difficulty accepting praise. I always say 'I'm just doing my job,' because I have been brainwashed into dismissing my achievements. Louisa taught me that I should feel proud of myself when I accomplish something. Even if it is only a child's game I've conquered! That in itself was quite liberating."

"You mentioned that you suffer from haemophobia?"

Martin nodded his head, "Yes, it is what forced me to give up surgery. The one thing I felt I was very good at."

Paul said, "I've been doing some research and I don't think that I will be able to help with that. You need a more qualified counsellor to talk to. You seem to have been able to speak to me, freely. Why don't you find someone you like, who is qualified and talk with them? You might find you can lessen the effect of the phobia. From what I've seen and read, I understand that there isn't a cure?"

"You are correct in that, at the moment, there is no cure. I feel comfortable speaking with you and I want to thank you for listening to me. I'd like to talk with you occasionally in the future, if I may? Just at present I have to talk to Louisa about what I've learned so far. I think I've managed to clear away a lot of dead wood which was surrounding me, inhibiting my expectations of myself. I'm still apprehensive over how my parenting skills will develop, but as you say, I do know how not to do it."

Paul rose and held out his hand to shake Martin's. "You are welcome at any time. I'm glad to have been of some use in this process. I will, of course, keep our conversations strictly private."

They walked to the door and Martin left to go home. It was lunch time and as he entered the kitchen, he saw Louisa stirring something on the stove. "Louisa…I didn't expect you home. Is anything the matter? Are you ill?" His concern for her welfare was immediate.

She turned and smiled at him, "I thought I'd surprise you with lunch. I didn't give you a chance to talk to me this morning after I switched your alarm off!"

"Yes, I was annoyed at first, that you'd done that, but once I'd showered and dressed, I did feel better." He admitted. She flashed a knowing smile at him.

"Soup and bread for lunch, OK?"

"Mm, I'll just go and wash up. Back soon." He left to go upstairs and Louisa served the lunch.

"How did this morning's talk go with Paul?" Louisa asked, curiously.

"It went well. I explained to him that I've accepted his point that I'm using a false means of measuring my behaviour and achievements. I told him that you had shown me I should enjoy my successes, no matter how small." He reached for her hand across the table, "I also told him that my child will know it is loved and wanted."

She teared up at this and returned his clasp with a similar gesture herself. "Oh Martin…."

"We'll talk some more tonight, when we've got time on our side."

She smiled and accepted his point. "I've had a good morning, because one of my students has achieved an award for his achievement in an external maths exam. He's very bright when it comes to maths and I told his parents about this course, so they enrolled him on it and that was the outcome!"

"Good news indeed! Well done, Louisa."

"It wasn't my success, it was his."

"No, but if you hadn't recognised his ability and then found this course for him, it wouldn't have happened, would it?"

"I suppose not. Well, I expect I'd better get back to it." She rose from the table and after rinsing her dishes went to get her coat and bag. She stopped by him and kissed his cheek lightly. "See you tonight, handsome."

His eyes twinkled at her and he blew her a kiss!

Louisa was almost overwhelmed. Martin, going so far as to blow kisses at her!

She floated back to school with a happy smile upon her face.

"You look like you won the lottery," remarked Pippa.

"Something like that, Pippa. I think I have."

Leaving the staffroom and a bemused Pippa behind her, she went to the classroom and began the afternoon session.

Martin washed up the few plates and pan before going back to the surgery. "How many patients this afternoon, Pauline?"

"Seven, so far Doc. Two of those are just for physical, back-to-work certificates." Pauline informed him.

Martin got through the rest of the afternoon without any major hitches. There were a couple of extra walk-ins exhibiting a sprained ankle and a cut hand where they had tripped of a cobble stone and encountered some sharp metal on the floor. The blood oozing from the cut caused him to breathe deeply and avert his gaze whilst he bandaged it up. For the remainder of the afternoon he checked his supplies and wrote a list out of what was needed.

Pauline shouted through that she was going and he went to lock the door behind her. He mopped out the toilet and then went through to the kitchen to see what the smell was, emanating from there.

"Louisa, what's for tea? It smells very good."

She turned and smiled at him. "I popped to Eric's and he had some monkfish. I've done that with some veg. I thought you deserved a treat!"

He went over and hugged her, "Thank you, I'm looking forward to it! I'll just go and wash up. Back shortly."

Louisa set the table and had served the meal when he came down again.

Martin made their drinks and they went to sit on the couch. "I told Paul about my parents and that I thought he was correct in that I do use their perception of me, to measure myself. Since he pointed that out, I've felt as though a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I can go forward now and make my own assessment of my actions. I know that sounds ridiculous in many respects, given that I am nearing 50. I feel as though I've been trapped in a time-warp, really."

Louisa put her cup down and took his hand. "I know you are a good man, Martin. That's why I agreed to become your wife. I'd hoped you would talk to me, but I'm glad that you found Paul instead. I love you very much and it was upsetting me to see you struggling with a number of things."

"I didn't want to burden you with my worries, now that you are pregnant. You need a calm atmosphere around you and I felt there would be too much angst for you to deal with both. Paul pointed out that I was being unfair to you, by holding back and waiting to see if you would act like Edith, and leave me. I do love you Louisa, and I promise I will do everything in my power to remove that thought from my mind. I trust you, implicitly."

Louisa turned to him and said, "Thank you Martin. You know that my parents did leave me and that I've been left with my feelings of inadequacy. I'll try and go forwards from here with positive thoughts about you." She leaned forwards and kissed him.

"Well, now that we've talked about that, have you given anymore thought to your talk, for Sunday?"

"Not really, I've got the outline done, but now it needs the meat on the bones. I'd better go and flesh out the rest of it. What are you going to do?"

"Marking first, and then a bath, I think. Oh! Martin, it moved again!" she put her hands over the bulge in her abdomen. Her face was radiant.

He stroked her cheek with the backs of his fingers, "that's lovely to see and hear. Don't worry, it won't be much longer before I will be able to feel it too."