I had managed to learn relatively quickly that this school quarter was going to be quite a bit more difficult than the last, mostly due to all of my language and literature classes being replaced with mathematics and biology, neither of which were what I would refer to as my strong suit.
Due to this newly created living hell I would be in throughout the next few months I was actually, for the first time in my life, finding sitting in the sophomore library to be somewhat useful.
"I don't even remember what the lesson was about." I admitted quietly to Emile, the only person currently at our table who I had biology with.
"Yeah, that's because you spent the entire hour sleeping."
Odd, I could have sworn it was Maths I had fallen asleep in…
I lay my head down on the paper, secretly wishing Kenny were here since he likely actually understood all of this math and science bullshit. I jerked back up when Wyatt poked me in the side with a pencil, cussing at his too loudly and getting both of us put into after school detention.
"Do you wanna go back to one of our rooms after this?" He asked, apparently choosing to just ignore the fact that I was now in trouble for doing absolutely nothing. "That way we can actually talk without getting yelled at."
I gave an annoyed grunt before laying my head back down again, a grunt which translated into 'I wasn't getting yelled at 30 seconds ago but I've accepted that I don't have a choice at this point' and we mutually decided to go back to my dorm once we were set free. Avery made some sort of big deal about bringing pastries and then asked me if I still had any alcohol left under my dresser. I did, but admittedly not as much as I should have.
I'm never drinking again? Yeah that was a lie.
After Wyatt offered to grab the bottle he still had in his room, we parted ways, agreeing to meet up in an hour after our detention was served. Which, by the way, was his fault. I would like to make sure that wasn't glossed over.
"Sorry," He mouthed at me without actual words or any attempt to hide the stupid smirk on his face as everyone else left and we made our way over to collect demerit slips, hoping they weren't planning on assigning up particularly difficult work.
In case you've ever wondered how detention worked at Boarding School: You were assigned to the groundskeeper who then assigned you to some form of manual labor, be it picking up garbage, cleaning graffiti or any other form of beautification. Talking in class? Manual labor. Missing homework assignments? Manual labor. Get caught being out after curfew? You guessed it. For Wyatt and me in our current predicament it meant cleaning floors and windows, which quickly turned into him throwing a sponge at my head and ended in very little progress and a significant amount of wet clothes. I had to admit, by the time our hour was up I found myself chuckling along with him at the childish antics, mostly at him tripping over and knocking down a full bucket of water and landing flat on his back.
Hey, he deserved it for getting me into this situation.
We ran as quietly as we could through the hallways, hoping no one would notice how half assed our work was and up to Wyatt's dorm so that he could change clothes.
"You can grab something out of my drawer." He told me, taking off his tie and blazer and unbuttoning his shirt.
"I was just gonna change in my room."
"You gave the guys your key, remember? Everyone is probably in your room already and I'm confident they aren't gonna listen if you tell them to leave so you can change."
I tried not to focus on the fact that he was now in front of my shirtless and unbuttoning his pants.
"It's not like I'm changing my underwear, I think I'll be fine."
He pulled his pants down, catching his boxers on them slightly and exposing a small amount of pubic hair before adjusting himself. I blushed, trying to ignore the tightening sensation in my pants.
"Oh, you'll be fine, sure, but I'm gonna tell you right now that they're gonna all start 'tsking' at you like a strip club beat and asking you if the carpet matches the drapes." He giggled, pulling on a pair of pajama bottoms and a tee shirt which said something in English I couldn't make out.
Giving a defeated sigh I rummaged through his dresser for a pair of sweat pants an a tank top, undressing awkwardly as he made a poor attempt at pretending not to notice. His head hung low while I took my pants off and a deep red blush filled his face as he bit his lip in an attempt to hide an embarrassed laugh.
"What?" I asked. Ever sense Tyson's house he had been more cautious about poking fun at me.
"If I say, you'll get mad." I raised a confused eyebrow, making him blush darker before admitting defeat and letting out a sly chuckle. "You have a boner." He informed me before covering his face and laughing like a school girl.
My own face grew hotter now and I adjusted my legs, covering myself. I was at least mostly clothed.
"Shut up." I grumbled.
He gave a shy grin, but dropped the subject, allowing me to have at least a small amount of dignity left.
Wyatt was right about everyone being in my room already, before I even opened the door I could hear the sounds of their childish giggles and the slurring words of teenage boys who were already drunk at 5:00pm.
"What took you guys so long?" Henri laughed, he was sprawled out on the floor, face a nice alcohol induced shade of pink.
"We just had to change quick, we got assigned wash duty and our clothes were wet."
Avery held out a plate of some kind of dessert pastry and we both absentmindedly took one before finding somewhere on the floor to sit.
"Oh yeah, I'm sure." Henri continued, giving a sly wink. "That's a great excuse as to why you both went to your room by yourselves and why Kai came out wearing your clothes." He smirked at me and I felt my cheeks go warm. "It's no big deal, your secret is safe with us."
Wyatt threw his empty flask at him and it bounced off his head with a sound that made me wonder if I should be concerned before remembering that he kinda deserved it. That was definitely going to leave a bruise.
We ate and drank without any formal conversation, instead changing topics randomly whenever an idea popped into anyone's head, one of which involved Avery planning his senior year history making event, which involved using the roof above the senior dorms to store alcohol and running some sort of underground bar, which made no sense seeing as everyone kept alcohol in their rooms anyway and no one ever got caught.
Unlike most of our hangouts, I found myself oddly calm today, even laughing at some of their childish jokes and antics.
Wyatt passed me the bottle of alcohol, which I drank from without protest, and brought himself a bit closer to me, resting his head on my shoulder. I didn't pull away, he was likely dizzy from the amount that he drank and he wasn't actively flirting with me so much as he was using me as a pillow.
I took a second pastry while Emile told a story about the first time he partied his freshman year that ended in a senior eating the goldfish that he had kept in his dorm as a pet, then demanding we all have a moment of silence for said goldfish.
"He lived such a short life. Cut off at his prime by an alcohol induced game of truth or dare."
"So, Kai," Henri began, he was attempting to smoke through the open window, in denial that it wasn't doing much to stop the smell. "What the hell is your story? You've been here awhile now and you're still Mr. Dark and Mysterious."
I shrugged, taking another swig from the bottle that still resided with me.
"Most of my basic information can be found online."
"I'm not referring to when your birthday is or how tall you are." He giggled. "I mean what's your story? We know you're from Russia, we know you came to Japan with your grandpa, but we know nothing about you."
I thought for a moment about how to answer the question.
"My parents left when I was young." I explained, "I don't really remember my mother very well and I just saw my father for the first time in years and would prefer to not do it again."
"Any reason why?"
"What do you say to the person who left you to be raised in an Abbey?" I pulled my knees up to my chin and rested my head. "My father has a new son now, he doesn't need me anymore. I don't remember if I mentioned having a brother to anyone other than Wyatt."
Avery looked toward him, now half asleep on my shoulder.
"Not a lot different than you then, huh?"
He perked up, glaring at him with a tint of red now showing on his face before once again letting his eyes rest. I wasn't sure what he meant by that, Wyatt had explained to me that his parents weren't comfortable with his preference for men but he had never given me the impression they didn't care about him.
"Is that where you met your other team? In Russia?"
That was a bit more difficult to explain. I had known The Demolition Boys growing up but I wouldn't exactly say we were close. Making friends in The Abbey wasn't really the main priority for most of the boys there. We shared sleeping cots in order to avoid the hard floor and sometimes used our body heat to stay warm at night, but it wasn't uncommon for someone to disappear and you didn't ask questions when they did.
"It's complicated..." Was all I said, smirking slightly for reasons I wasn't sure of. If you were lucky one of the older boys would take you under their wing, almost like a parent or protective older brother. "To be honest I don't remember much of my childhood. I don't just say that to avoid talking about it."
Wyatt looked out of it now, lost in his own thoughts. I waved my hand in front of his face and he giggled.
"I'm fine." He said. "Edibles are just catching up with me."
"What did you eat?" I asked, wrapping an arm around his torso and pulling him into me slightly.
"Same thing the rest of us did." Henri chimed in, motioning to the now empty plate of pastries.
Hold on, what?
"Why the fuck didn't you tell me that!?" I yelled, suddenly realizing how unbalanced the room seemed. "I ate two of those!"
Everyone other than Wyatt laughed, Avery falling backwards in a dramatic fashion.
"You ate two?" Wyatt asked, concern mixed with an attempt to hold in laughter now present on his face.
"No one told me they were edibles!" Although angry, I couldn't help but laugh at what was happening, burying my face in my knees.
"You'll be fine." Avery laughed. "The first time we got Wyatt high he spent 20 minutes trying to remember how to get his water bottle open and then gave up and drank from the sink with a straw."
"I forgot that cups exist." Wyatt laughed. "I left my phone in Avery's dorm once and he repeatedly tried to call it in order to tell me he had it. He would watch it ring in his hand while having his phone to his ear and then when I didn't answer he would try again." They all started getting up, taking me by the hands and pulling me to my feet as well. "Let's do a drugstore run before it gets too late, I have the munchies."
I followed them, not even sure what direction I was supposed to walk in order to get to the elevator. Thankfully they seemed sober enough to know where they were going, successfully getting us to the main entrance to sign out. Attempting to make myself at least somewhat useful, I held the door open, letting them outside.
"Kai," Avery called me, "What are you doing?"
"I'm holding the door for everyone." I wasn't just gonna shut it on the last guys face.
"We're all outside, dude."
Doing a double take of my surroundings, it suddenly dawned on me that I was currently attempting to hold the door open for my own reflection, which I then proceeded to apologize to before making it outside.
Wyatt took my hand like I was a child he was concerned would wander away if not watched closely, which worked in my favor as I couldn't currently remember how to use a crosswalk.
"Come on," He pulled me closer to him, linking his arm into mine. "How about you guys go grab some things, we'll wait outside. Kai is on a different planet right now."
For reasons that are unknown to me, something about that comment made me immediately fall into an inescapable fit of giggles, causing me to almost lose my balance while Wyatt attempted to get me to complete the last block we needed to walk.
"We need to get you back before the paparazzi finds you." He giggled wildly. "Do you have any idea what a picture of you laughing is probably worth?" I think I said something in response to that statement but immediately forgot what it was as I had become distracted by a car coming a bit too close to us, not able to tell it was actually parked on a curb and contained no driver. I kicked it, falling hard onto the ground. "What the fuck did you do that for?" Wyatt asked, laughing harder now.
"We almost got run over!" I yelled, pointing to the car that was, again, not being driven.
He pulled me back up just as the other three made it back outside, struggling to keep me upright as I had an arm wrapped around his neck and more of my weight currently on him than on my own feet. Still, we somehow managed to successfully make it back, not that I even remember how.
"If it makes you feel any better," Henri said, "In most cases being high isn't going to affect you this hard, you just happened to do about three times the amount I would normally recommend."
I lay down in my bed, deciding that this time they could be the ones to sit on the floor, but not before pulling Wyatt on top of me, holding him tightly to my chest. He seemed uncertain of my intentions, afraid that if I changed my mind I might accuse him of taking advantage of me.
Honestly, I just liked the feeling of having another body next to me, his skin was soft and he felt warm, like a heavy human shaped blanket.
That was how we stayed the rest of the time, occasionally laughing at something one of the other guys said before cuddling up to each other once again.
Although the effects of the edibles seemed to be wearing off after an hour or two, I still didn't push him away, even after everyone decided to turn in for the night.
It was just us now… laying in my bed, heads on the same pillow, faces inches from one another. I could feel my heart racing the longer I looked at him, keeping just enough distance between our bodies to hide my arousal.
Was this due to being drugged without my knowledge or due to how close my drugged state had allowed me to get to him?
After all this time, Wyatt was the only person who I had ever met who truly scared me. Fear was something I had put behind me a long time ago. Even during times my life had been in danger the most I ever felt was a fight or flight reflex, but with him… there was fear.
I feared that he made me question my sexuality.
I feared the attraction I felt toward him.
I feared the fact that I thought about him constantly.
I feared the fact that my current thoughts while we lay together were filthy.
His eyes were closed, breathing steady but not deep enough where I would assume he was asleep. My hand that currently rested on the cress of his back moved up closer to his neck and I pulled him toward me, locking my lips to his. Clearly still awake, he returned my affections, slowing down a bit compared to the last time we made out. It was my turn to take control. My heart still racing, I kissed him harder, attempting to get my tongue in his mouth but instead awkwardly shoving my open mouth into his face like a snake trying to eat something twice its size. Fuck, I was terrible at this… I held him to my body tightly, pulling him on top of me.
Sensing what I was trying to do he wrapped his arms around my back and moved his hands under my shirt, fingers now brushing atop my bare skin. The intimacy of his nails gently grazing across my body caused me to moan ever so slightly, holding him tightly as our lips unlocked, both terrified and deeply aroused at what was currently happening, I tilted my head back, giving him room to nibble gently at my neck while he fumbled to get my shirt off and then removing his own.
The warmth of our chests touched and Wyatt turned himself over so that we lay side by side again, taking my leg and pulling it over his hip so that I somewhat half straddled him. Gently, he began moving his hand downward toward my waistband, slipping it into my pants and touching me through my boxers.
Immediately I froze, letting go of him.
"Do you want me to stop?" He asked, quickly separating himself from me.
I nodded, trying to control my breathing and turning over. He held me with his chest pressed to my back, arms around me gently now and chin resting on top of my head.
It wasn't that I wanted him to stop, actually I desperately wanted him to continue, but I needed him to stop. I was beginning to panic again, the same way I did every time we found ourselves in an intimate situation. Consent was not the issue, I could have told him at any time that things were getting too hot and heavy for me and he would have stopped. If anything I was silently cussing my brain out for not allowing things to go further.
"I can't..." I whispered shamefully. He pulled me into him, giving me a tight hug.
"Then don't." He said. "Don't do anything you aren't ready for." For a few moments we were silent, breathing together, my hand squeezing his. "Do you want me to stay here tonight?"
I pulled myself up, sitting at the edge of my bed without looking at him.
"I wanna be alone right now." I said, hoping he couldn't hear the shame in my voice.
Even though he seemed hurt by the event that just happened, he kept his attention on me, ignoring any of his own emotions. He sat up and at the edge of my bed so we were side by side, wrapping his arms around my neck and giving me a hug, which I returned, before kissing me gently on the forehead and getting himself dressed, leaving me be just as I had asked.
I now sat alone in my room, experiencing the true intensity of sexual frustration. I pulled my blanket over myself, covering my head with my pillow which I was currently trying to encourage to suffocate me. Before I started school here I had never been particularly invested in touching myself, something that had changed drastically within the past month or so. I've heard people say before that puberty is the start of a sexual awakening and trust me, I was fucking awake.
If death were an option, I would have chosen it over teenage hormones.
Over the course of the past month I had tried thinking about women. I had also, in wake of my own sexual curiosity, had tried thinking about men. It made no difference, the thoughts never ventured far before returning to that damn fancy haired boy. He was like a nightmare I couldn't escape. I'm not saying I had intended to make a move on him tonight, but at the same time I was hoping I could just given in to what I knew my body wanted in an attempt to gain release from the desperation I felt. If my brain hadn't shut down I wouldn't have stopped him, I would have let him touch me, but how can you be intimate with someone when you're trapped behind the wall that resides in your own mind? Would my mind allow me to try and do that to him? Did I want to do that to him?
These feelings were still new to me. It had taken me almost a year to begin trusting my team; it had taken me longer to call them my friends. Wyatt had broken me in less than two months.
What the fuck was wrong with me?