The first night had been awkward to say the least, not to mention I hadn't been expected to get woken up by being jumped on by a five year old only minutes after the sun had risen. If I was anything like this while growing up it actually might be me who owed my father the apology.

Still, I didn't mind having Riku around. I had never expected to have a sibling at this point in my life and especially hadn't expected to suddenly learn of one who had apparently existed for years.

"Did you sleep alright?" Hana asked me that morning, resting her hand on my shoulder. "I can imagine it's not easy being in such a new environment so suddenly."

I shrugged silently, hoping it came off as slightly more polite than my usual grunting but also wanting to make it clear that I preferred to be left alone. My father was much quieter, still appearing unsure of how to speak to me or what to say.

"You're much quieter now than you were as a child." He had mentioned. "Given, you were always a very shy little boy, but you asked a lot of questions. You always loved learning."

In most cases I don't think the statement would effect me, not the way it did now at least… I remembered more now and it saddened me to think back on the life I could have had. The innocence that I couldn't get back.

"Being social was never a main priority where I grew up." I had replied rather bluntly, still refusing to look at him.

He gave me space after that, seemingly understanding that I wasn't interested in rekindling. Somehow being with people who I was blood related to felt significantly more uncomfortable than my first week of boarding school had. No one at school had wronged me. Well… at least not at that time.

It didn't help that I was sharing a room with Riku, meaning I didn't have a space of my own where I could get away from everyone and be alone with my thoughts.

My phone went off in my pocket.

How are you holding up?

Wyatt was getting into the habit of texting me now, which wasn't exactly a habit I had planned on getting into. The thing about people calling me on the phone is that I wasn't required to pick up. That was really the entire reason I preferred it. When someone texted you it was expected that you would answer eventually, even when you were busy. Not that it stopped me from answering him.

I've been better. I miss you.

Dammit why was I suddenly getting all mushy on him like this? I didn't talk that way to his face, not even when we were alone…

It was true, though. I missed him. Since starting school we hadn't actually spent such a significant amount of time apart, even if it was only a week.

I miss you too.

Sighing heavily, I put my phone back in my pocket. I was currently standing at the backyard patio and attempting to ignore that someone had opened the door and was now out here with me.

"I can imagine this must be a less than ideal experience for you..." My father said quietly, knowing better than to touch me. He knew I would pull away. "Until recently it had been a long time since we had seen one another. You've probably grown at least 30 centimeters. For some reason it had caught me by surprise to see you all grown up."

I didn't answer him. I didn't really have anything to say.

Clearing his throat, he continued. "Sometimes it feels like only yesterday that you were Rikuto's age. It's a good reminder to slow down, time goes too fast."

He pulled a pack of cigarettes out of his pocket, offering me one which I took reluctantly before putting them away. Father of the year, folks. I could imagine how cool he probably felt right now.

"Don't tell Hana." He added bluntly. "I'm supposed to be quitting."

"I mean, you're also probably not supposed to offer your fifteen year old cigarettes."

"Hey, I could take it back."

I rolled my eyes, ignoring him and snatching the lighter he offered me.

I actually did have a lot I wanted to say to him… none of it positive. Mostly I wanted to know why. Not the excuse for why, but the genuine reason. Had he been afraid? Did he just not care?

Emotionally, being here was starting to take its toll on me, seeing so much of the life I didn't get to have and the family who replaced me.

"How are you liking school?" He asked. Great, now I got to listen to small talk. That was even worse.

"It's fine."

"How are your grades?"

"Average."

"I'm sure you have a lot of friends."

Did I technically have to answer that? It was really more of a statement than it was a question.

"Do I really strike you as the type to have a large group of friends?" Was all I said, allowing my sarcasm to take over the conversation before taking in the awkward silence as he struggled to think of something else to say. I gave a defeated sigh. "I hang out with Wyatt's friends but I think we more tolerate each other than like each other. I don't really know why he hangs out with them."

"Is that your roommate?" He asked.

"He's my boyfriend."

My face grew hot and I kept my head down. Why the fuck would I say that? It was like as soon as I was asked about Wyatt by a person I had no real relationship with, I was able to say the words that I had been dreading. Now that I heard myself out loud I just sounded like an idiot.

"Oh." My father said somewhat awkwardly. "I hadn't realized you were seeing anyone."

I'm pretty sure that's just an awkward way of saying he didn't know I was gay.

Given neither did I…

I mean, I was pretty sure.

Actually the more time that passed the more sure I was becoming.

"How much does your family know about me?" I asked, changing the subject. I was never bothered by silence until Wyatt. Now it drove me crazy.

"Rikuto knows what he need to know." My father said. "He's too young to fully understand."

"Yeah, I could imagine how traumatizing it would be to hear."

My sarcasm was coming out more cruel now, even if not intentionally. Given I was making no attempt to stop my rude banter.

"I should have protected you..." Was all he said, flicking his cigarette butt onto the ground and stomping it out. "Your grandfather made it seem like you were doing so well without me. Maybe that's why he wouldn't let me see you… shielding me from the truth. Maybe I just lost too much of myself after I lost your mother." Another pause. "I can only imagine how proud she would be of the person you've grown into. I see her stubbornness in you sometimes."

"I always figured I got that from your side."

Although I spoke, everything came out monotone. The broken pieces of who I was still not able to fully fit together.

"Absolutely not." My father laughed. "Your mothers stubbornness is the reason we named you Kai. We liked the name Kaito for a boy but Misa hated having a nickname her whole life. She said if we named you Kaito we would just end up calling you Kai for short, so why not just name you that."

Actually my own viewpoint wasn't much different. If Riku preferred being called Riku then why bother using the full name?

"Is my mother alive?" I asked sadly, not sure I wanted the real answer.

He lit another cigarette, offering me another as well. Who knew our first attempt at bonding would be chain smoking together.

"I wish I knew, son..." He said. "I've been trying to figure that out for a long time, but there's no trail. I wish I was more confident in the possibility that she was… but it's not likely."

Honestly, it was what I had expected him to say.

"I wish I remembered her more." I admitted.

"You were only a little boy. I wouldn't expect you to. She loved you very much and in the end that's what matters. She practically had you tied to her hip until you were five. Carried you everywhere until you decided you were too big for it. That was always how we knew something was wrong, whenever you were upset you wanted to be picked up."

"I'm not a little kid anymore."

"I'm very aware of that." He laughed, ruffling my hair.

Although there was a clear attempt to get past the awkwardness of me being under his roof, my father did seem to realize how uncomfortable I clearly was still. I had made myself out to be the strong one, affected by nothing. I was still a child, though… a broken child from a broken home who now felt small standing next to my father, remembering bits and pieces of the past I had been trying to protect myself from.

It was draining. Overflowing, actually. Meaning that I was standing out here avoiding eye contact with my father while trying to control the tears that were threatening to make everything even more awkward.

"I'm gonna take a walk..." I stated, quickly forcing myself away from the scene in front of me. I didn't even bother going back into the house, I walked right through the yard and to the road, distancing myself as much as I could before calling Wyatt.

He picked up before the second ring.

"Kai? You alright?" I don't think he expected I would ever call him outside of an emergency. He sounded worried that something was wrong.

Given, it was.

"I can't do this..." I said, trying to keep my emotions in check. "How am I supposed to forgive him for what he did to me?"

"Have you and your dad been arguing?"

Arguing would have been easier for me to understand. If my father was an asshole it would just prove everything I already assumed, if he didn't want me back I could continue my life of abandonment. What were you supposed to do when the person you blamed for everything bad that happened to you refused to be a bad person? Why was he so different than I had thought?

"It's complicated."

"I can try and get to you."

"Wyatt, I'm hours away. I'm not even sure how to say the name of the city, let alone do I know where it is. You're a foreigner, I can't expect you to navigate like that."

He chuckled slightly, which in my current state annoyed me a bit.

"If you need me, I'll figure it out. You're the one who can't navigate a map."

Standing silently with the phone still to my ear I kicked a rock down the sidewalk, sighing slightly.

"I'll be okay..."

He didn't answer. I wondered if he was trying to read my mind and figure out where I was that way. Maybe I should break the tension. "I told my dad you're my boyfriend." I shyly admitted.

"Wait, what?"

I didn't want to repeat myself, I knew he had heard me.

"He didn't seem bothered by it."

His end of the phone was quiet. I could hear him, I knew he was still there, but he seemed to be taking in what I had said.

"You've been thinking about that a lot, huh? About what we are, I mean."

"I guess."

"Is that what you want?"

It didn't feel so much like a matter of what I wanted and more like a matter of the logical next step. He was the person I felt comfortable opening up to, he was the thought that constantly invaded my mind.

"I don't know." I said quietly, glad that he couldn't see me blushing.

"Don't pull the 'I don't know' card. You do know, if you didn't you wouldn't be asking me about it so much and you wouldn't have said anything to your dad. Although I do find it a little funny that you seem annoyed that your dad isn't homophobic."

"You sound like me." I smiled shyly.

"Yeah, I do a pretty good Kai impression at this point, sometimes I accidentally turn myself on when I mimic you in front of the bathroom mirror. Wanna listen to the one I've been working on?" He cleared his throat dramatically. "Yes, Wyatt, I do want to be with you. Me, Kai Hiwitari, your boyfriend."

"You aren't gonna make me quote that word for word, are you?"

"Depends on how well you handle the rest of this conversation."

I was sitting on a public bench now, not completely sure how or when I got here. I had been too distracted by the awkward conversation.

"I still don't know..." I hung my head in shame. "I hurt you. I don't want to lose my temper and take it out on you."

"That really freaked you out, huh?"

This was the first time he had really let me talk about it without changing the conversation or insisting he was fine. Now the emotions from that evening were back, the lack of control I had.

"Abused kids become abusive adults." I eventually said quietly.

"You know that isn't something set in stone, Kai. I'm not afraid of you."

Between the fight, being suspended, my conversation with my father and the conversation currently happening I was being pulled into a state where I couldn't hold everything in anymore.

"I'm sorry."

"Are you crying?"

Everything was pouring out of me again, like it had every time clutched my emotions too tightly. Fuck, I needed to start training again… to let my emotions out in the dish instead of through my tear ducts. I didn't even want him to hear me talk anymore, all I was doing was making him put me in front of his own problems and doing nothing to actually help him.

"Can I call you back later?" I asked, fully aware I wasn't going to call him back any time soon. He had also learned fairly quickly that I didn't ever answer my phone and that calling me was pointless.

"Yeah, just take some time to calm down."

I hung up, pulling my hood over my head and hiding myself in my knees again while I tried to pull myself together as much as I could.

I just wanted to be back at school…

The week was going by slowly, the awkward tension still refusing to leave the air. Currently I was sitting on Riku's bed listening to him tell me the names of the squirrels that lived in the yard and their tragic backstories. I was debating if I should be concerned that he immediately pegged the black one out to be the villain. He was a pretty good story teller, though.

"Do you wanna play a game?" He asked me, pulling at the sleeve of my shirt as though I couldn't see him.

"Uh… okay?" Was all I said. My definitive answer would depend on what kind of game he had in mind. I wasn't playing dress up or anything embarrassing with him, even if I did like him. I didn't need any more pictures of me showing up online.

Rummaging through his bedside table, he pulled out a large rock that I soon realized was some kind of crystal. A quarts, I think.

"You stay here." He said. "Don't move and keep the door closed, otherwise it's cheating."

He took my silence as an agreement and quickly ran out of the room with the large gem, shutting the door behind him as I sat quiet and extremely confused.

His end table drawer was cluttered with childhood knickknacks such as misplaced single marbles, a collection of rocks and what I was pretty sure were rotting acorns.

"Okay," Riku said opening the door. "Now you have to go find the crystal."

Well, if he was going to make me play hide and seek at least it involved hiding an object and not ourselves, this was at least slightly more dignifying.

I went into the hallway, figuring it wasn't going to be too difficult to find a large stone hidden my a five year old. A thought that I learned quickly was correct as I found it immediately on the dresser in his parents room. The room he wasn't supposed to go in but hey, stubbornness ran in the family.

Figuring I would give him the benefit of the doubt and take an extra few minutes pretending to search, I began snooping around the room, curiosity getting the better of me.

It was a depressingly bland bedroom, not looking much more interesting than my dorm room was outside of being significantly larger and having a closet (seriously, why didn't the dorm rooms have closets?). The simple set up was no more than a double bed containing an end table on each sides and two medium sized dressers, one of which Riku's rock sat upon, and a full length mirror which I was currently low key checking myself out in. My friends were right about me having no ass, I really needed to put some weight on.

Shrugging off my insecurities about what my butt looked like, I looked over my shoulder to make sure no one was watching me before sneaking a peak in a few drawers, a decision I regretted when I realized one contained a box of condoms and what I was confident was a sex toy but wasn't planning on looking at closely enough to actually find out. Ew.

The drawer on the other side was nearly empty, only containing a few photographs that I picked up to look through once I was confident they weren't pornographic in nature.

They were fairly typical pictures you would find of a family, some of them being of my mother and father, some of my father and Hana, some of Riku and one of my own family.

Was this the photograph that had been removed from the album that Riku had showed me?

I pocketed it stealthily, planning on looking at it more closely later in order to not take up too much time sneaking around the bedroom or accidentally finding anything else that I didn't want to see. I took the rock off of the dresser and brought it back into Riku's room, handing it to him.

"You found it!" He lit up, smile quickly turning into a pout as his mother called him to help her with something. I could hear him practicing his bickering out loud to himself as he went into the hallway, clearly not planning on doing his chores without a fight.

Smirking slightly, I sat down on the bed and took the photograph I had found out of my pocket. If I had been somewhere around two or three in the picture Riku had given me, it was likely that I was around six in this one, meaning it was very likely that it had been taken right before my mother disappeared.

I could see why my father had removed it from the album… the life seemed drained from all of our faces as we fake smiled at the camera. My mother and father stood on their feet and I was standing on a chair in order to match their height, still coming just up to my mothers collar bone. Her hand sat on my fathers shoulder and his arm was wrapped around me gently. Her other hand was cradling her swollen stomach.

It took me a moment to take in what I was looking at; once it registered I could feel the color drain immediately from my face. I felt sick suddenly.

What the fuck.

What the fuck?

What the fuck!?

My mother had been pregnant.