My original plan had been to knock on Wyatt's door again, hoping that maybe this time he would be willing to talk to me, but after he neglected to even attempt to speak to me all day I decided against it. He wanted space, he should be allowed to have it without me forcing myself back into the spotlight.

I was also concerned that giving him space was the exact wrong thing to do and that I should go to him in order to show that I was serious. No one had ever explained to me how any of this was supposed to work and I wouldn't exactly say that I had grown up around healthy adult relationships. I wasn't even sure if my parents relationship had been a healthy one, I didn't remember it well enough.

Now I was sitting on my bed crying, even though I was at the point where my emotions were beginning to calm down. I was supposed to meet with Ono-San today in order to discuss visiting my father this weekend, which wasn't something I was excited about. It didn't feel like a good time yet… everything still felt too fresh. She had been adamant that he wanted to see me, though and had felt it necessary to have my psychologist with me as well, who was currently concerned about my mental health and whether or not I was clinically depressed.

Even so, as much as I didn't like needing to talk to a shrink, she had so far been accepting of my refusal to take any of the drugs she had attempted to prescribe me, no longer doing so and instead trying to talk to me about different things I could do in order to boost serotonin or something like that. She listened to what I said, that was a start.

I wiped my eyes on the sleeve of my shirt, hoping that by the time dinner was over with I might look presentable enough where no one would know I had been crying. If word every got around that someone had gotten to me for something so minor I would be a prime target, back to my Abbey days of the larger boys playing another game of who can make Kai cry first, but this time without taking a steel toed boot to the face or a lit cigarette to bare skin.

I also didn't have Yasha to protect me here… now I was the one expected to protect.

Resting my head on my knees, I sighed. I was acting like a child, all crying did was show weakness. I was better than this.

Getting out of bed, I changed into sweats before walking over to the bathroom in order to wash my face. Right now wasn't a good time for me to be drawing unnecessary attention to myself, something that proved itself pretty much as soon as I entered the hallway.

A trio of boys were looking at me and giggling, most likely taking notice to the graffiti that had been carved into my door.

"So, Hiwitari," One asked, making very little attempt to hide his amusement. "There's a rumor going around that you and Wyatt Smithwright were caught having sex on the roof, is that true? You know you don't actually need to do it with the kid if you don't want to. I think he has daddy issues or something, he's so desperate to please you can just let him suck you off. You don't even need to give anything in return, I think he just likes doing it."

I didn't dignify the boy, who I was pretty sure was in one of my classes, with a response. Instead just walking away. They didn't seem to mind though, they seemed just as entertained talking to one another about Wyatt and me.

"Have you ever let him do it?" One chuckled quietly to the other one, covering their mouth to stifle his laughter. "I've actually thought about it before. I mean, I'm definitely straight, I would eat a pussy like an all you can eat buffet, but I've heard so many people claim he'll give you the best orgasm of your life."

"I never have." His friend responded. "Not after what he did to Haru, I heard he was begging him to return the favor and claimed he would tell everyone he was gay if he didn't."

"He actually did suck Haru off? I thought that was a part of the rumor."

"He's sucked Kai off too, I heard."

"Well yeah, everyone knows that. I heard Kai went down on him first, though. I've also heard it's not his first time. Now every time I see him on TV I'm gonna start laughing because I'm just gonna be picturing him with a dick in his mouth."

"You aren't turning queer on us too, are you?"

They were all laughing. Mostly at my expense… There was no point in trying to stand up to them or get them to stop, they wanted me to react to it so that they could keep making fun of me. Mostly I was thinking about how strange it was that the only rumors teenage boys seemed to be able to come up with involved blowjobs. Realistically the media had come up with better ones about me, like the time someone claimed to have proof that I was a robot being controlled by the Illuminati and I had to do a press conference proving that I didn't actually have naturally red eyes.

I allowed myself to go numb, ignoring my surroundings and just focusing on getting through the rest of the day. After dinner and speaking to my caseworker I would be able to hide out in my dorm again and just be alone, no one wanted to see me anyway.

Wyatt didn't say much at dinner, mostly staying out of Emile and Henri's conversation about which currently famous actor had the best body and completely ignoring Avery's conversation where he pretended that Tea Shop Girl gave him her number. All of them seemed too distracted to notice anything was off about him and they were used to me keeping mostly to myself.

Reluctantly Wyatt handed me the sign in sheet, where he had taken the time to cross out whatever offensive word had been used to describe me. Although I appreciated the effort, it had still stung to see, even if all I was looking at was a scribbled line.

"Fridays are when you're supposed to see your case worker, right?" Avery asked between bites of a very spicy smelling bowl of rice and curry.

"Yeah." I grunted. I didn't like talking about Ono-San with them, I was still hoping to have it at least partly on the down low that I was a product of a broken system. I wasn't even eligible to be adopted, my only choices were boarding school, foster care, or my father. The only living relative I had in this country outside of my grandfather who was in prison.

"Can we hang out in your room?"

Actually, that didn't sound like a bad idea. Wyatt might show up, meaning that I would be able to talk to him, and the prospect of getting drunk or high sounded like a pretty good idea right about now. I had to take what I could get.

"I guess." I shrugged, handing over my key and getting up to put my tea mug in the sink. I didn't have an appetite.

Exiting the cafeteria I made my way into the main office where Ono-San was waiting for me, her face indicating the possibility of bad news.

"How has your week been, Kai?" She asked. Odd… she didn't normally make small talk with me.

I grunted in response before sitting down on the chair that was facing her, hoping I could just get this over with and go back upstairs.

"According to the school directors you've been staying out of trouble; you've had two detentions for minor violations. How are your grades so far?"

"Everything has been going fine. I don't really have anything out of the ordinary to report."

She nodded.

"Including the accusations that have been going on regarding you and another boy?"

A lump formed in the pit of my stomach and I felt a significant amount of heat rush to my face.

"It's fine." I lied. "Rumors are just a part of high school."

"I wasn't referring to whether or not the rumor bothered you."

I raised a confused eyebrow.

"Okay?"

"You're doing well in school here. I've seen very significant improvement in your social skills along with improvement regarding your attitude, primarily toward authority. I don't want you kicked out of school. That's probably the last thing any of us want."

I didn't understand. What did any of this have to do with Wyatt? What was even happening that could cause me to be kicked out of school?

"I can get kicked out because of a rumor?"

"If the rumors are true, then yes. Dean Nakamura has been emailing me for the past week regarding concerns he has about your behavior-"

"You just told me that I've been doing well."

"You have. Our primary concern is whether or not you have been engaging in sexual acts on school grounds. Something that's prohibited at this establishment."

I felt humiliated. They were the ones who started rumors about us. There was no reason for me to be the one in trouble over someones gossip.

"I haven't done anything."

It was mostly the truth, we had fooled around a little but nothing major had happened. We didn't have sex or anything like that.

"There's also the matter of the graffiti on your door. You don't have any idea who may have done that, do you? Have you been having problems with bullying?"

"I don't know who did that." I said, hiding my face behind my bangs.

"We just want to make sure that you aren't a distraction to the other boys. Your preferences are your own business and due to it's pristine nature the school doesn't want that preference flaunted through the hallway."

"I didn't do anything!"

She didn't say anything more, instead allowing silence to fill the room as I hung my head in shame. I felt humiliated and disgusted with myself.

"Kai..." She began again, putting on a fake tone of empathy. "I just want to do my best to keep you at school. I'm telling you what you can do to help that. No one is trying to signal you out."

"Can I go now?" I shot back, digging my nails into my skin in order to steady myself. I had to stay grounded, I couldn't lose my cool.

She closed the notebook that had resided in her lap.

"Yes, you're excused. I'll be picking you up tomorrow afternoon in order to see your father."

I shot up angrily out of the chair, untying the hoodie that resided around my waist and putting it on before throwing the hood over my head. I didn't want anyone looking at me right now. I wanted to be invisible.

Getting into the elevator and going upstairs I suddenly remembered that I had given my friends the key to my dorm, not a great realization now that I wanted to be alone. Absentmindedly I wandered, head down and face hidden with my hands shoved in my pockets. Not knowing where I was supposed to go I found myself slipping into the empty staircase without caring what it did to my reputation. There wasn't anyone around me anyway.

Sitting on a step, I curled into myself and cried. Again. I hated all of this, I didn't ask to be here in the first place, I was only here because my grandfather was a narcissistic sociopath who got himself thrown in jail and my father was deadbeat who didn't want me. How was any of that my fault?

My legs were shaking and I was struggling to breath properly, instead just gasping for air in between sobs and wishing that I hadn't woken up the night I had been hospitalized at my fathers.

I wished I was dead… I truly wished I was dead.

It had taken some time for me to calm my composure enough to make it back to my dorm room, reminding myself that there would be drugs and alcohol available there and that I might be able to at least see Wyatt. I wasn't planning on asking him for comfort or crying about what had happened. I didn't want to scare him off more than I already had. I wanted to be near him, though. I wanted the feeling that came with his presence.

Opening my door I was greeted by Avery's giggles and some sort of story regarding someones pussy who likely didn't exist. That or he was literally talking about a cat and hoped that no one would notice.

"Where have you been?" Emile asked, inhaling his cigarette and failing at blowing a smoke ring. "You're usually not gone this long when you meet your case worker."

I grunted in response. I didn't want to talk.

Wyatt was here like I had hoped, taking a drink from a bottle of rum and smoking from a glass pipe. Sitting down, I took the bottle and drank as much as I could without stopping to breath, leaning my head back and closing my eyes. They didn't pay me much attention in my state of what they typically referred to as 'Kai being dramatic again'. If Wyatt noticed something was off about me he didn't say anything, instead passing the bud of half burned weed to me and stealing back the rum.

If they had offered me heroin I would have taken it. I didn't care anymore.

"Nice door graffiti, by the way." Henri smirked. Although he smiled, his eyes looked somewhat sad. "You're finally part of the club. Are they trying to make you sand it off?" His eyes darted to Wyatt. "That's what they made you do, isn't it? Said that if you didn't flaunt your lifestyle it wouldn't have happened?"

He shrugged.

"I don't really remember. That was over a year ago."

"And you spent most of freshman year popping pills." Avery giggled. "You could have been abducted by aliens and you wouldn't remember."

There was an awkward tension in the air and I'm not sure if any of us really knew why. Either way, Wyatt handed me a bag of pills without looking at me.

"Take one with pot." He said. "It'll make you sleepy."

I wasn't sure how he knew I hadn't been sleeping, I hadn't said anything to him and he hadn't asked. I was starting to have nightmares again and found myself struggling not to wake up in the middle of the night, usually several times.

"You would sleep better if you didn't live off of cigarettes and caffeine." Avery smirked. "I can't remember the last time I saw you eat an actual meal that wasn't prepackaged ramen.

The comment made Wyatt perk up somewhat.

"Have you not been eating?" He asked.

"Not intentionally." It was true, I wasn't actually going out of my way to not eat, but with everything that had been happening lately I had little to no appetite and mostly smoked and drank black tea with what most people would consider way too much sugar.

I sighed, resting my head on my knees and closing my eyes for a bit. I was beginning to feel the effects of either the alcohol, the pot, or both. I honestly just wanted to get as drunk as I could and then sleep until morning. I didn't want to feel like me right now.

I took the bottle back, again drinking whatever I could muster without stopping. I think most people mixed alcohol with things to make it taste better, I don't think I had ever done anything outside of chugging straight from the bottle until my throat burned.

Wyatt placed a hand on my shoulder and squeezed it slightly. For some reason everyone seemed to be doing that lately, the main difference being that Wyatt was one of a very select few people who I allowed to touch me. I didn't want to tell him what had happened, he had already made it clear that he was done dealing with my drama and the last thing I needed right now was to make him distance himself even further from me.

"You should try and eat more." He said. "Drinking on an empty stomach is a bad idea."

I understood what he meant by that. The room was already starting to spin and I wasn't sure if I would be able to balance myself if I stood up.

"I wanna go to bed." I grumbled. I was exhausted.

Opening the bag of pills Wyatt had given me, I took one with a swig of alcohol, probably not the best idea in the world. I also probably couldn't say that I didn't take medication any longer. I was at the point where I had largely stopped caring about what I put into my body.

"Kicking us out?" Emile asked, standing up and stretching.

They could stay for all I cared. As long as I could sleep. I hadn't slept in days.

I grunted at him and attempted to crawl into bed, instead falling on my face. Wyatt took hold of my hand, helping me up and sitting on the edge of my mattress with me.

"Dizzy..." I mumbled.

"Drunk is the word that most people use." He laughed quietly. "Sleep it off, you should be alright. You didn't even really drink that much."

"Actually, this stuff is pretty potent." Emile butted in, reading the label on the bottle.

Sadly I leaned my head against Wyatt's shoulder, the way you might see a sad child do.

"I love you." I said, wrapping my arms around him. "I really do..."

He said nothing back in response, which was probably a good thing because if he had it would have been interrupted by me violently vomiting on both of us. The vile smell of stomach acid and alcohol now filling the room.

"And that's a sign that it's time for you to go to bed." He smirked.

Getting up, he opened my window that currently had a towel duct taped to it, trying to get fresh air in the room. Walking back over to me, he pulled my shirt up over my head.

"I'm capable of changing my own clothes." I smirked slightly, undressing myself and laying down.

"Are you sure about that?"

"Yeah." I grumbled, stripping off my bile covered clothing and debating taking a quick shower. I wasn't sure I could stand up.

"Kai you are completely naked." Avery laughed.

It suddenly dawned on me that everyone was still in my dorm room and that I was, in face, naked.

"That's our cue to leave." I heard Henri say, everyone now getting up. Wyatt threw a blanket over me before they opened the door, clearly trying hard not to smirk.

"Next time we'll stick to only mixing two drugs, three might be a little too much for you."

"At least I don't need my stomach pumped this time." I giggled slightly at the thought. "Did you know I almost died?"

Previously attempting to clean me up, Wyatt paused, now just staring at me.

"What are you talking about?" He asked.

"At my dads. I drank an entire bottle and then downed a handful of pills." I was grinning like an idiot. For some reason my near death experience sounded hilarious when I said it out loud. "Almost died. You know the funniest part? They labeled it a suicide attempt and I had to convince them it wasn't but I think it was. Isn't that typical me? How can I not even remember if I wanted to die or not?"

I had started giggling, yet tears were running down my face as I lay on my mattress, still naked. I didn't know if I was crying from laughter or sadness or both.

Wyatt's eyes showed little emotion as he watched me in disbelief as I continued to spill my guts to him. Why wasn't he laughing? He should be laughing, it was funny!

"How about you focus on trying to sleep." He said, pulling back from me and standing up. I didn't want him to leave, but I also didn't want to make him sleep here after I had thrown up everywhere. I should probably clean up, but I couldn't even walk a straight line. Is it gross to sleep off the alcohol with vomit everywhere?

"Alright..." I mumbled, not wanting to cause him to distance even further.

"I'll check on you tomorrow."

I didn't know if I had fallen asleep naturally or passed out. It didn't matter, though. I wasn't awake and that was good enough for me.

The burning feeling of alcohol rolled down my throat, causing me to cough and hope that I could hold it down. It was how the older boys kept warm.

"It helps." He said, encouraging me to keep drinking.

He was more or less right, it did cause a warm feeling in my stomach that spread deeply into my veins. I felt better, at least a little bit.

His eyes looked sad while he watched me, holding me close to his body for warmth. I remembered his eyes because they reminded me of how I had always pictured the ocean, a deep blue that drew me in whenever he looked at me. They stood out due to his dark hair which reminded me of my own. Not many of us had dark hair.

"Yasha?" I said his name like a question.

"Yes?"

"Am I gonna get in trouble?"

My dad had told me that kids aren't allowed to drink alcohol, but I wasn't sure exactly what he meant by it. Was it illegal? Would I be punished if someone found out what I was doing.

"Remember what I told you about how the older kids aren't supposed to be around the younger kids? How it's every man for himself out here?"

"You told me to just not tell anyone."

There were four of us total, four younger boys who he had taken under his wing. He made sure we had a place to sleep, made sure we had food. He protected us.

"The same rule applies here. Just don't tell anyone, if you tell they'll take me away."

I was always afraid of getting him in trouble; I didn't know what happened to the ones who went to the dungeon, no one talked about it. I'm not sure any of us actually knew.

"Is my papa going to come back for me?" I asked sadly, nuzzling myself closer into his chest. He had been gone for three months now and yet I still hoped every day that my grandfather would tell me he had written me, telling me he would be back soon and that we would both leave together.

He held me tightly, allowing my head to rest on his shoulder.

"I don't know the answer to that." He admitted. His voice was sad, like he felt pity for me.

"Mama didn't come back." I said.

Most of my dreams involved my mother, remembering her warmth as she held me in her arms as papa tended the fire. I missed them…

"You don't need anyone else." He hugged me tightly. "We're gonna get out of here someday."

Sorry about the depression porn, writing this brought back a lot of memories I haven't thought about in a long time and it was actually extremely therapeutic to write. Hopefully soon I'll be able to incorporate more humor.