I might rewrite this chapter later as the flow feels a bit off, but I have a chapter I'm working on that I'm excited about and therefore I'm being lazy. I'm sorry if it sucks.

I awoke to an intense headache and an upset stomach, not to mention the stale stench of vomit from the night before along with the fact that I was laying in bed with no clothing on, something that I wouldn't say was typical for me.

What happened last night?

Memories flooded back to me of the graffiti that had been left on my door and what Ono-San had told me about it. That it was my own fault, that it wouldn't have happened if I didn't draw attention to myself.

I still didn't know what it meant. I didn't do anything to draw attention to myself or to Wyatt, so was my mere existence the issue? Was this the life I had to look forward to? That we had to look forward to? I wanted to talk to him, tell him that I knew Haru was the one who was starting rumors about him and posting them online.

Getting up was rather difficult, mostly due to my stomach churning with every step I took. I felt like I was gonna be sick and from the state of my dorm and the sour taste in my mouth it seemed like I already had been.

I couldn't remember anything…

Getting dressed in clothing that I would be immediately ditching after I took a shower, I threw something clean and more presentable over my shoulder and made a mental note that I would need to find a staff member to help me get the necessary tools to deep clean my room later and walked into the hallway and into the shower room, taking a look at myself in the mirror with the realization of how terrible I currently looked.

Either way, I showered and washed my face, brushing my teeth more thoroughly than I normally would and throwing on jeans and a red hooded vest. Just because I felt like shit didn't mean I needed to look like shit too.

Taking a longer than average look in the mirror, I concluded that I did, in fact, look like shit. I had heavy bags under my eyes and washing my face hadn't changed the fact that my skin looked dry and grayish in color. Accepting it for what it was, I made my way downstairs to the cafeteria. I needed high doses of caffeine and sugar and I needed it now.

To my surprise, Wyatt already had tea waiting for me, which I thanked him for quietly before sitting down and wondering if I could drink it all immediately without throwing up. My head still pounded and I was nauseous.

"I thought only adults get hangovers… why do I end up with one every time?" I asked no one in particular.

"Alcohol doesn't seem to sit very well with you." Emile answered, all four of them currently looking awake and alert enough to irritate me with their existence.

"How much did I drink?" I yawned.

"Enough to strip for us without anyone asking and enough where Wyatt was concerned enough for your well being where he didn't immediately get a nose bleed."

I blushed, looking toward him. Wyatt's eyes concentrated only on the food in front of him and avoided me completely, his face also now a vibrant shade of pink.

"They're fucking with me, right?" I asked.

"Well you definitely got naked." He agreed, "You also threw up on me."

How humiliating…

"I don't remember anything." I admitted. Which was odd, even when I had OD'd I remembered it the next day. I had never actually been black out drunk before.

"You also took an Ambien, so it might have been that too."

"I'm sorry..." I muttered. "For throwing up on you."

"It's not a big deal." He shrugged. "You just drank too much, it happens to everyone."

That wasn't true at all, I had seen all of them drunk before and no one had ever thrown up… or gotten naked. If this was what I was like attempting to party it was probably best that I stick to just one drug. It was clear that I had gotten ahead of myself. Still, I nodded shamefully before getting up to put my empty cup in the bucket of dirty dishes.

"You need to eat something." Wyatt said, taking hold of my wrist and pulling me back gently. "You can't just live off of caffeine."

"And sugar." I said smugly. I had no appetite due to my stomach still feeling sour, food was actually the last thing I wanted at the moment. "I need to let my stomach settle. I'm supposed to see my father today and I don't want anyone picking up on the whole 'hungover' thing."

He didn't say anything, letting go of my wrist and focusing on his own breakfast. I wasn't sure what to think when we spoke lately. The only way I could really explain it was that he was acting more like me than I currently was. I didn't put an act on in front of Wyatt anymore, I was me. Now I had begun wondering if that was currently the problem… maybe he didn't like the real me.

Xxx

An awkward tension remained around Ono-San and I as we drove. I wasn't sure if it came from our conversation the other day, where she suggested that my interest in other boys would savage the schools name and reputation, or the fact that I was retaliating by wearing black nail polish that I had borrowed from a goth kid from my geography class. I pulled it off quite nicely if I do say so myself.

We didn't speak, instead I twiddled with the string hanging from the hood of my vest, headphones hung around my neck.

"Why does a psychologist have to be there?" I asked, not looking at her.

"Due to some of the circumstances regarding your upbringing it's best for you to have an advocate for your mental health. You have psychological trauma and our goal isn't to make that trauma worse."

It was a bit late for that.

I wondered what my team would think if they saw me like this, huddled into the front seat of a social workers car dressed like a hipster and going to see the person who allowed me to be abused and then abandoned me. I wondered how they imagined my life when we weren't together…

Pulling into a parking lot that I recognized, Ono-San turned off the engine and unbuckled, gesturing for me to do the same before getting out. We were once again at the same clerks office, which made me wonder if our meeting at the gardens had only been for making everyone more comfortable as none of us really knew one another.

It was odd… thinking about the fact that I didn't actually know my own father. I suddenly found myself wondering how Tyson felt having a parent who spent so much time away and whether he would refer to their relationship as close or not.

Lost in thought, I followed her, taking note at the absence of Riku yelling out to me and finding myself a bit disappointed that he wasn't here. I hoped that they hadn't decided after my hospital stay that they didn't want him around me, he was the only member of my family I genuinely cared for.

"Have a seat."

I obeyed, choosing for once in my life not to pick a fight with authority. My father looked uncomfortable, making little eye contact and mostly having his head down. If he felt any sort of shame he deserved it. I was tired of being lied to.

It was the psychologist who spoke, cutting through the silence of a group of people who didn't want to be here.

"Kai," She began. "I understand that you have some questions regarding your mother. I think now would be a good time to ask them if you're comfortable."

My stomach dropped.

"Isn't this just supposed to be a visitation?"

"I think it would be best that we get straight to the point. Your most recent episode of mania was caused by your not realizing that your mother was pregnant around the time she disappeared, correct?"

"It's a pretty fucked up thing to lie about." I stated, hoping that cussing might make someone as uncomfortable as I currently was. "Given, claiming I'm having a visitation and then doing whatever this is I would also view as a fucked up thing to lie about."

No one responded for a moment.

"I wasn't trying to lie to you." My father said quietly. "I didn't realize you wouldn't remember… I knew it was a possibility, you were so young. It wasn't my intent, though… I removed that photograph because I didn't want Riku asking questions that I wasn't ready to answer."

I was tired of the constant excuses. He abandoned me because of my grandfather, he didn't reach out to find me because he knew I wouldn't speak to him, he didn't tell me about my mother because he thought I remembered, he removed the photograph because of Riku…

Nothing was ever his own fault, nothing was ever caused by his own fuck ups. He was worse than my grandfather, at least my grandfather acknowledged the kind of person he was.

"I think we should cut to the chase…" The psychologist interrupted. I wished I could remember her name. "In regards to new information your father has given us and due to you having family in Russia who have been willing to speak to authorities on your families behalf, we believe we have positively ID'd your mothers remains. Along with your younger sisters… there's no easy way to talk about this, and we feel that if you can ask your father any questions you might be wondering about, then you could appropriately begin your grieving process… however you see fit."

I felt myself go numb.

"I don't understand." My father still wouldn't look at me. His face held no emotion, which was likely what I currently looked like as well. "How long have you known?" I gritted my teeth together, hands clasped tightly to the fabric of my pants.

He didn't answer.

"How long have you known?!" I yelled. The rage inside of me burned strongly, forcing me back to the place I was when my grandfather had begun training me.

"Your grandfather was the one who gave us the information that we needed." Ono-San said bluntly. "The remains are nearly ten years old, though. We need to rely on DNA extraction in order to be 100% sure of the reality as your mother didn't have dental records."

"Will you all just shut up?!" There were tears running down my face and my legs were shaking. This was his fault. He was the husband; the parent! It was his job to protect us and to keep us safe and he had failed. He was nothing but a failure.

My mother was the only person who had ever loved me… but I didn't have her anymore. I didn't have a mom anymore. I wanted someone to yell back at me, to tell me I was being dramatic. I wanted an excuse to keep yelling at them but they said nothing. They didn't even look at me.

Kicking over a table with everything ounce of strength I had, I walked out of the room slamming the door behind me.

I hated all of them…

xxx

It was my father who found me outside, sitting on a bench and on my third cigarette. I was starting to feel lightheaded from smoking and had made a mental note to ask Wyatt if nicotine could get you high if enough was in your system.

"You must hate me at this point..." He said quietly.

I didn't answer, I didn't want to give him the satisfaction of knowing I hated him. He didn't deserve to know if I felt anything toward him at all.

Sitting next to me, he pulled out his own pack, doing that weird thing that Wyatt always did where he tapped it on the palm of his hand before opening it.

"You were your mothers entire world." He continued. "I never deserved either of you. I remember how in disbelief I was when she accepted my proposal. I couldn't believe that someone like Misa would in a million years have me. We were so excited when we found out she was pregnant with you… She had wanted to be a mother since she was a little girl."

All the memories I had of my mom were those of love and affection. I remembered her holding me, tucking me in at night and singing me to sleep… I never felt as a child like I should be seen and not heard. She always heard me. She always listened.

My father had tears in his eyes, as he normally did when he spoke about her.

"What was her name?" I heard myself ask. It felt like I was no longer inside of my body, like someone else had taken over and was now doing the talking for me. "My sister."

"She never officially had one." He said shamefully, knowing that I would judge the statement; judge him. "We had a few that we liked. We even asked you your opinion on some of them, but you were little. When we told you that you were going to have a baby brother or sister you asked if you could have a dog instead."

I think he expected me to laugh at the statement. I had been a child and didn't fully understand the concept of where babies came from. It was likely that I had been expecting them to pick her up from a store or something. I remembered wondering where the orphans in The Abbey came from, too shy to ask them myself, or maybe too worried about getting a beating if I did.

"Name her." I said calmly, looking away from him. "She needs a name..."

It felt wrong for her to be put to rest without one, without a true identity.

"You know what your name means, right?" He asked me, putting his cigarette out and cupping his hands together. His thumbs twiddled with discomfort.

"Ocean." I responded. I had always known that.

"You were born with dark blue eyes and hair, even though they changed as you got older. The element of water stuck out in you. Odd, as the media often portrays you as fire."

Part of having a Phoenix as a Sacred Beast. Although as of recent events the 'flaming' part wasn't lost to me. Or gossip websites.

"When Hana and I were naming Rikuto she had asked about what your name meant, which influenced our decision on choosing a name that means forest. Your mother and I had talked a few times about something similar in regards to our daughter… I would have preferred Sorako, meaning sky."

"Sora." I said, recalling my mothers annoyance at using names that would eventually morph into a nickname. They would have called her Sora.

My father touched a hand to my back with caution, fearing the likelihood that I would pull away. When I didn't move he moved himself closer to me before pulling me into him, taking the back of my head and leaning me gently into his shoulder before hugging me tightly.

"I don't expect you to ever forgive me." He spoke softly. "This wasn't supposed to be your life. It wouldn't be if I hadn't been so selfish. I never forgot you, though… No matter what happens, you're still my son."

Although I didn't return his affections, I also didn't pull back from them. My anger would have pulled me back, my sadness would have pulled me back. I felt neither of those emotions, the sense of numbness I had grown warily accustomed to running through my veins and into my body.

I felt nothing…

xxx

I had decided not to stay on school grounds once Ono-San dropped me off, instead leaving the property and going on a lonely walk instead. I currently felt strange in the company of everyone… I didn't really know how to feel about anything, actually. I had wanted to be alone so that I could think and even that seemed to currently be a challenge. My mind wasn't allowing me to think or to feel and instead I was absentmindedly walking the beachfront contemplating if I walked into the water if the ocean tides would drag me away never to be seen again… I could die and no one would ever find me…

That wasn't what I ended up doing, though. Instead my feet seemed to have a mind of their own and I remained nothing but a ghostly presence floating above my own body, not getting sucked back in until I had knocked on the door of the only house in this area that I knew.

Tyson's.

I wasn't sure what I had expected myself to do when he answered, maybe to invite myself in or to ask him to train with me. My thoughts weren't working appropriately and I felt out of control of everything that was currently happening, including the emotional outburst of tears and loud sobbing that I fell into when he finally opened the door, looking at me like a deer caught in the headlights.

It was clear he didn't know what he was supposed to say. I don't think anyone would ever expect to open their door to find me on the other side of it crying uncontrollably. He had never seen me cry, none of them had. Not truly.

"Kai?" He said my name in what sounded like a fearful way, like he thought maybe I was dying. Little did he know that I had died inside a long time ago. "What's going on? Are you alright?"

He pulled my arm over his shoulder, propping me upright as my entire body was shaking aggressively. I wasn't sure if I could move any more without collapsing.

Pulling me into his house carefully, he managed to get me upstairs and into his room, closing the door for privacy and helping me sit down on the floor, my back pressed against the wall in order to steady myself. I felt sick.

He didn't touch me again after putting me down, instead draping a blanket over my shoulders and sitting across from me, saying nothing and instead waiting for me to calm down on my own time.

I had never given Tyson enough credit… he was a good friend, he always had been. I was the one who had been a terrible friend to all of them. To all of them and to Wyatt. I didn't deserve friends.

"Thank you." I whispered while wiping tears off my face. I was still struggling to speak without hiccuping.

"Do you want to talk about it?" He asked.

I think he was expecting me to say no, the version of me who he normally knew wouldn't have even used words to get his point across. He would have just grunted. I didn't know where that version of me was right now.

"My mom is dead." I said, still speaking quietly. "They found a body… they found both bodies. The only person who ever cared about me is gone and I can hardly even remember her."

He didn't say anything, instead moving so that he sat next to me by the wall, turning his head to look at me. I wasn't sure if he didn't know what to say or if there just wasn't anything to say. No one could change what had happened, no one could change my past.

After a few minutes he spoke.

"It's weird, isn't it? Having someone who knew and loved you and not knowing a thing about them in return?"

He was referring to his own mother, who had died when he was an infant.

"It would be easier to remember nothing." I said.

"You only think so because you wish you remembered more. When you literally remember nothing you start to make up memories that never happened. You start to dream them and hope maybe it can make up for the real thing." He paused. "It doesn't though. Nii-San used to tell me I was lucky that I never knew her. I didn't have anything to miss. It makes you feel empty, though… she died knowing me; yet I don't get to live my life knowing her."

He didn't look emotional, more just dazed, like he'd had this conversation with himself many times and yet had no one had ever actually listened.

"I'm sorry."

I felt ashamed. I was only thinking about me again.

"You're grieving. You don't have anything to be sorry for."

"I'm a terrible friend..."

"Maybe a little." He smirked, flicking me on the side of the head. "You're coming around, though. School seems like it's been really good to you, which is odd because I never thought school could be good for anyone. Actually you're kind of ruining my typical thought process. If I end up finding school useful after this I'm coming after you, I work hard to maintain my C average."

I gave a sad excuse for a chuckle, mostly just blowing air out my nose.

"School has been terrible." I admitted. "I'm not sure I have any friends anymore."

"For someone who ignores everyone who you care about you sure struggle with others giving you the same treatment."

"I don't ignore everyone I care about."

He raised an eyebrow at me, crossing his arms to his chest.

"Is this your way of admitting that you hate me?"

"I never hated you."

"Liar." He smirked.

The truth was, even when we had first become a team I had never hated any of them. I didn't know what it felt like to have friends, though. I pushed them away, hoping everything would be easier when they inevitably had enough and abandoned me. I knew abandonment, I understood abandonment.

Maybe Tyson was right and I just couldn't handle not having all of the attention focused on me. I had never even bothered to ask Wyatt why he was being distant. I had just accepted it as one more person leaving me behind.

At that moment, I did something unexpected.

Turning toward Tyson, I leaned in and hugged him. Not romantically, not the way I hugged Wyatt, but the way he hugged Max and Kenny; even Rei sometimes. He seemed unsure of what to do, resorting to patting me in the back gently.

"I genuinely can't figure out if you're drunk or not." He admitted as I pulled away from him. I smirked slightly, blotting my eyes again. I wished I was drunk.

"Can I stay here tonight?" I asked.

He put an arm around my shoulder, pulling me into him just slightly.

"Sure." He said.

I want to make it known that I'm not making any love triangles, I've just taken notice in the anime that Tyson is an extremely affectionate friend and I feel like it wouldn't be unrealistic to have him get a tad mushy with Kai, even if it's not exactly in a romantic way. I'm leaving it up to interpretation if you feel like Ty may be hinting at his own feelings or not.