Brief mild sexual content warning. I don't really like the flow of this chapter… but I'm not really sure how to fix it. I'll take any suggestions.

I hadn't spent the night with Tyson in awhile, meaning that I had forgotten how loud he snored and inevitably accepted that I wasn't going to get any more sleep here than I would have gotten in my own dorm. I had also calmed down from my emotional outburst and currently just feeling awkward that I had been crying in front of him. I wasn't the type of person to truly open up to those around me and my friends weren't an exception to that rule… outside of Wyatt, but he was my boyfriend.

I think.

I actually wasn't sure anymore.

Explaining to his grandfather that I was expected back at school for attendance, he agreed to tell him where I had gone, allowing the poor kid a few more hours of sleep. He deserved it after dealing with me last night.

Now I walked silently with my head held down in shame, still unsure of what I was supposed to do at this point regarding my life. Tyson's words had stuck with me, for someone who ignores everyone else around me I didn't handle being the one who was ignored very well. I couldn't keep waiting for Wyatt to come to me and tell me what was wrong, I had to go to him, to make an effort.

Accepting abandonment was easier…

Making it back to school just before breakfast, I decided to skip it, taking a shower and brushing my teeth instead. My stomach was growling but I had no appetite, sneaking onto the patio in order to smoke instead. I had woken up with withdrawals this morning, a sign that I should be cutting back. Now here I stood allowing toxic fumes to fill my lungs and hoping that it would someday kill me.

Finishing my bum version of breakfast, I put it out and flicked the butt off the third story patio before walking back inside and over to Wyatt's dorm where I knocked gently and secretly hoped he didn't hear it.

As expected, he opened to my knock quickly, not smiling at me but also not frowning.

"Where have you been?" He asked. "Someone complained about what your room smelled like and they sent someone in to clean the carpet. I had to pretend that you had borrowed notes from me in order to get in and smuggle the bottles of alcohol out. Which I guess wasn't necessary after all since they had all been emptied."

I blushed and looked down at the floor in shame.

"I've been having to get drunk in order to fall asleep." I admitted. "There wasn't a lot left anyway, though. I didn't overdo it or anything."

Getting out of the way of his door frame, he put a hand to the cress of my back gently.

"How about you come in?" He asked, leading me and then closing the door. His dorm was a mess, mostly filled with loose papers and dirty laundry. I sat down on his unmade bad and twiddled my thumbs, hoping that the right thing to say would come to me. I was determined not to cry again. I was so tired of crying.

"My visitation didn't go very well." I said. "If you can even call it a visitation. I wasn't there to spend time with my dad." His hand was still on me, and although I didn't sob the way I did at Tyson's there were still tears in my eyes, which I took a moment to brush away. "They found my mom, found a body I mean… they found my little sister too. I think that's how they knew it was her. There probably aren't very many unidentified remains of pregnant women and their unborn kids."

"I didn't know you had a younger sister." He responded awkwardly. I didn't blame him, how are you supposed to respond to someone telling you about their dead parent?

"Neither did I."

Pulling me toward him, Wyatt set a hand on the back of my head, saying nothing as he rested my cheek to his shoulder and wrapped his other arm around my waist. He held me tightly, an embrace I had been craving for days.

"I'm sorry that I've been pulling away." He eventually said.

"You were right about me. I'm nothing but drama and baggage."

"I was angry."

That didn't surprise me. I had a feeling he had been angry with me, or at least had enough of me. I wasn't an easy person to deal with and I knew why most people didn't like me, I didn't like me either.

"I'm guessing I got carried away the other night." I didn't pull away the way I normally would before speaking, instead keeping myself clutched tightly in his warm embrace, my head still nuzzled into his shoulder. "When I threw up on you, I mean. I was probably acting like an idiot or being an asshole."

"You are so cruel to yourself." He held me tightly. "I feel like I can't even scold you for any of your behavior. You're harder on yourself than I could ever be on you."

"Just tell me what I did," I said, sniffling slightly. The sleeve of his shirt caught my tears.

Removing me from his embrace with caution, it was now him who didn't look at me. For several moments neither of us spoke and I wondered if I should be doing more to ensure him that I could be better, that I would be better. I couldn't lose him too, not him.

"You tried to kill yourself..." He stated. His voice sounded cold, as though this had been eating away at him. "Didn't you… When you were at your dads."

My stomach dropped.

"No," I stuttered. "It was an accident. I didn't know that my mom was pregnant when she was murdered; I freaked out. I didn't know what to do." How did he know this? I hadn't told anyone about my hospital visit, that I had been placed on suicide watch.

"Kai!" He yelled, balling his fists on the knees of his pants. "Don't lie to me!"

There were tears running down his face and his eyes burned daggers, still he didn't look angry. He looked hurt, like I had just broken his heart beyond repair. Shamefully, I turned away.

"I don't know." I admitted. "I thought it was an accident. I wanted to numb the pain and the only way I know how to do that is to drink. When I found the bottle of pills I…" My voice grew quieter. "I wanted to sleep."

"You didn't want to wake up." He responded. He didn't ask it like I question, he stated it.

I don't know how long it took me to answer him. I may have sat there for merely seconds, it may have been minutes. Hell, hours may have gone by for all I knew.

"No."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

It was complicated. I hadn't necessarily gone out of my way to not tell him what happened that week, but in a case like this I wasn't in denial that not saying anything was the same as lying.

"You didn't tell me about your parents not wanting you home." I said.

"You know that's not the same thing. You could have died; I would have never seen you again."

"You don't want to see me now."

There it was, the thing I had been dreading asking him about. He had distanced himself from me noticeably and it was taking effect. I was hurt.

My words seemed to catch him off guard, causing him to respond with only silence and eyes that made it clear he was thinking carefully about his next words. He knew that what I said was right; he knew that I had noticed how he had been acting around me.

"I'm sorry." He said. "I can't even pretend that you're wrong… ever since that day on the roof things have been different between us."

"I'm sure you've never had an experience like that before." I set my hand on top of his. "That's why I didn't want you to be a part of that battle. I knew there was a possibility you would be put in danger."

"That's the exact problem, Kai. You don't want anyone controlling your life, you don't want to speak with your shrink or try and mend your relationship with your dad. You don't want anything to do with someone telling you what to do; you're obsessed with control. Yet you're just as obsessive about controlling those around you. If we're going to make this relationship work you need to be willing to allow me to make my own choices, even if they can end badly. I should be by your side supporting you and if need be I should be battling by your side too. You can't just keep me in the shadows because of your own fear."

Wrapping his arms around my neck, he embraced me tightly before pulling back and touching his lips to mine, an act that sent shock waves through my body and caused my stomach to flutter.

I had missed kissing him.

When he pulled back he had just the slightest hint of a smile, enough where you could still detect the sadness within him but also made it clear that he had missed this feeling as well.

"Do you really remember nothing that happened that night?" He asked, referring to my drunk shenanigans from Friday.

"No." I shrugged. "I'm sorry for acting like an idiot, though. Also for throwing up on you."

"That's not the only thing you did."

He was blushing, avoiding eye contact with just the slightest hint of a smile.

"Yeah, yeah… I'm sorry I stripped." How long were people going to keep reminding me of this?

"That's not what I'm talking about." He was touching the palm of his hand to his face, thin smirk now expanding. "You told me you loved me."

My cheeks immediately went hot and my stomach dropped. Had I really said that? I had thought about it before, questioning if maybe… I had never even been close to ready to say something as intense as that out loud, though. It was too much, we hadn't even known each other for a year.

"Oh..." I said quietly. "I'm sorry."

I couldn't think of anything else to say.

"I love you too." He said, now smiling at me shyly. My already flushed face grew warmer still, taking in my surroundings as he spoke, wondering if this would be another moment that I might forget someday.

"You don't need to say that." I said, hiding my face slightly.

Bringing a hand to my cheek, he pulled me into him once more, lips again touching mine but this time with less caution. I didn't understand what was happening, but my heart was racing now and my legs felt like jelly, causing me to question if I would even be able to stand up after this.

Taking the back of his head I leaned my weight into him until both of us were laying down. I had to focus on my breathing in order to keep myself calm, I didn't want to space out the way I always did when things got intense. All I wanted right now was to be present in this moment. A moment in which I was unbuttoning his pants cautiously as he looked into my eyes attempting to guess just from my expression if this was okay or not.

"You don't have to." He said quietly.

I wanted to tell him to shut up. For some reason him talking made it feel more awkward. Besides, he was aroused. If I backed out now I would just be a tease.

Actually, it was a bit strange. When I touched myself I never paid any sort of attention to what it feels like from the point of view of my hand… I had fantasized about him doing things to me, but had never thought about the other side, meaning that when face to face with another guys junk I was caught more off guard than expected.

Wyatt wasn't looking at me, instead leaning back and breathing deeply, anticipating what I was about to try and do to him.

"Your dick looks weird." Was all I said, realizing immediately after that I had just let out the least romantic thing possible and causing his eyes to shoot open and for him to arch an eyebrow at me.

"If this is your version of sexy talk we can just skip that part."

I didn't respond, instead bringing the tips of my fingers to it and touching it just slightly, an act which caused him to flinch in what I think was a good way. Apparently his smooth skin didn't get any less soft the further down south you went and I found myself wondering if he moisturized every part of his body. Taking it in my hand gently, I inspected it, now finding myself attempting to mold it like dough into the state I was more accustomed to touching on myself.

"Sorry," I said quietly as he pulled back, yelping in discomfort. "I'm trying to fix it."

"Trying to fix what?"

This was a terrible idea… I felt so incredibly awkward now. I knew I wouldn't be good at it but this wasn't even close to what I had in mind regarding my first time touching someone else.

"The skin won't go up."

"There isn't any skin to go up, I'm circumcised you idiot." He was both silently cussing and laughing, awkwardly fiddling with himself and propping his back up onto a pillow.

"So you're Jewish?"

"No, I'm American. Almost every guy is, it's an aesthetic thing."

I was incredibly confused but trying hard to focus on not ruining the moment any more than I already have.

"So can I touch it?" I asked awkwardly.

"Fuck yes you can, just be gentle."

A small amount of liquid had formed at the tip of the slit, now running downward and onto where my hand held him. Clearly my not knowing what the hell I'm doing didn't make him any less excited.

Just rub it… I thought to myself. You do it to yourself, you can do it to someone else. Okay yes but in my defense no one ever cut part of my dick off so I was working with something I didn't have any personal experience with.

Reluctantly, I took the tip in the palm of my hand, hoping I could use his natural excited fluids for lube. It seemed to be working, he had let out a small moan, which gave me the confidence to keep going.

"Is this okay?" I asked. He knew I was a virgin, but I wasn't sure he had anticipated for me to be this bad at it.

"Here..." He set his hand on top of mine and grasped it, essentially jacking himself off with my hand as a puppet. If I had felt awkward five minutes ago, it was nothing compared to how I felt at this very moment.

"I don't know what I'm doing."

He didn't speak, instead lost in a trance of grunts and moans.

"I'm close, keep doing what I was doing." He said as he took his hand off of mine and clutched his bed sheets tightly in his fists and cussing quietly.

Trying to match the rhythm he had been using, I was able to get a few squeaks out of him as his body continued to twitch every few seconds. Was this what I had looked like when he did it to me?

It didn't take long for him to convulse sharply, mostly because he was the one who really did the work, finishing with a gasp that sounded though he was trying to be quiet enough where no one would hear us and then grunting as the feeling of warm and somewhat thick fluid flowed down my hand.

This entire thing was so uncomfortable…

"I'm sorry I'm not better at it." I said shyly, inspecting the residue he had left on me. He cleaned himself up before handing me a dirty shirt, beads of sweat running down his forehead.

"Did you seriously just apologize for jacking me off? Your hand was on my dick, I truly don't care how good at it you are." He kissed me on the cheek before noticing he was still partly undressed and fidgeting with his pants. "I don't think you can claim you aren't gay anymore, though."

My current blush darkened.

"I don't claim that I'm not." I said. "I don't like talking about it, though."

I was the type of person who was private about my personal life. If I had a girlfriend I would feel the same way, the only real difference being that I wouldn't be expected to 'come out', no one would question it in the first place. Now I felt like something was expected of me.

"Have you ever actually said the words 'I'm gay' out loud?" Wyatt asked, wrapping an arm around me loosely.

"I don't like attention on me..." I was looking at the floor in shame, the way I always did when this topic came up. Why did I have to be anything? "I'm not like the guys you see on television, you know? You can't tell just by looking at me."

"Kai, I've known you were gay longer than you have." He giggled, pulling my head into him.

"You have not."

"Why do you think I was drawn to you in particular? I didn't even realize you were in the closet when I first met you, I just thought you were extremely private."

He was only joking, right? Was I one of those people who you could… tell?

I took a moment to think, my mind drawn back to everything that had happened during the time Wyatt had been avoiding me.

"Haru runs the school blog, by the way." I said.

"Yeah, I kind of assumed."

A mild shame washed over me as he spoke. He was right, it should have been obvious from the start who was running it, especially with how much time was spent mocking him in particular. As much as he slut shamed him, Haru seemed to be at least a little bit jealous at the amount Wyatt got around.

"I want to ask you something, but you don't have to answer it." I spoke, fidgeting with nothing in particular.

"Go ahead." He shrugged.

"When we first started hanging around each other you told me that you had only fooled around with a few people and that it was mostly rumors. Was that a lie?"

Pulling back just slightly, he looked away, face now a light shade of pink that made my stomach flutter.

"I didn't know you very well yet. I didn't want you to judge me for my past."

"Someones past doesn't define who they are."

He knew I meant what I said, he knew I didn't have an easy life growing up and that I hadn't always been the person I was now. I was cold, arrogant…

"I just wanted people to like me." He continued. "After everything with Haru I had a few guys ask me about it… They were nice to me."

It didn't feel right to ask him how many there had been, I knew it was a high number.

"They took advantage of you."

"I agreed to do it. I like making people feel good."

"It's called grooming." I said. "They were nice because they wanted something out of you."

"I'm aware of that, but at the end of the day I did it because I wanted to. In the beginning I liked the reputation. I liked feeling like a rebel who knew how to get guys to notice me. When I was in middle school I had this guy who I really liked…" He looked incredibly ashamed and I touched a hand to his shoulder. "He was older, experienced… He used to joke that all oral sex ever ended up being was something to jack off to later." He smirked uncomfortably. "You know, because most people aren't good at it. I thought if I learned how to do it and do it well then maybe he would be interested in me."

In a way it made sense. He had grown up an awkward rich kid in a homophobic family. It was likely that the only thing he had ever been told about the gay community were stereotypes regarding sexual acts.

I had grown up thinking the same thing…

"I should have asked you sooner..." I sighed. "Maybe I could have helped you through some things; told your parents off."

"Is that the real reason your English has improved?" He joked. "You just want to rip my parents a new asshole?"

"Someone has to put them in their place."

He hugged me tightly, kissing my cheek.

"You don't need to protect me." He said. "You've had a harder life than I have."

Although I don't think he meant it in a negative way, I still felt a sense of shame come over me. Wyatt clearly took notice in the way I tensed up, touching a hand to my cheek and pressing his forehead to mine gently.

"I'm fine." I stated without him asking.

"You always say that."

Do I?

"Really, I'm alright."

His eyes looked sad as he pulled back, looking at me with what I assumed was pity. There was a reason I didn't like talking about it… outside of the memories it brought back I also hated the way my past made people look at me, like I was just some sad little kid. I wasn't that little kid anymore.

"You don't talk about the abuse." He said quietly, causing me to grip tightly to the fabric of my pants.

"It was a long time ago, it's in the past."

"You said your psychologist thinks that you have PTSD." There was a lengthy pause. "What happened to you?"

I could feel my anxiety beginning to take over, the sound of my heart beating in my ears as my body tensed up. I could hear it… the sound of my own screams as they beat me. The taste of blood filling the inside of my mouth.

They held me down, pinning me to the wall and holding onto the butt of a lit cigarette. I was only able cry and squirm as one of them pressed the burning ashes to my bare wrists, to my chest, my stomach.

It hurt… I wanted my mom… someone needed to come and save me from them.

"Kai?"

I jolted back. I'm not in The Abbey anymore, I'm not a little kid anymore… I got out.

Not looking at Wyatt, I unzipped the hoodie I had thrown on and pulled one of my arms out, keeping my head down and my face hidden as much as I can while revealing the skin I usually kept concealed. I didn't hide the scars per say, he had seen them a few times, I wore short sleeves in PE and although I normally wore gloves, I didn't fear being seen without them.

He took the back of my hand, examining the scarring that coated parts of my wrist and arm. It wasn't noticeable from far away; no one asked questions about it. The scars were mostly from burns, the worst one being from an old fashioned iron heated in the hot coals of the fireplace. That one was on my back.

"They used to accuse me of being favored." I said. "They liked to hurt me."

I hated the feeling of intense heat. I didn't go to hot springs and would turn into an absolute asshole over having the most mild sunburn during the summer. I don't know why heat was their weapon of choice, maybe because they had easy access to it. More than just a weapon they also dangled it in front of our faces, the thing they accessed easily that we didn't. Warmth during the winters was worth more than gold to us.

Without speaking, Wyatt kissed my arm gently, taking my hand and interlacing our fingers.

"I'll never let anyone hurt you." He said.

If only he knew…

Sorry that the mild sex scene comes the absolute fuck out of nowhere and then doesn't go anywhere. Honestly I think I just wanted to write it, haha. After the depression porn lately I needed some humor and what's better than a sexually frustrated and super awkward virgin trying to give his first handy?