TW: Discussions of rape and SA

I didn't remember going to sleep that night, meaning I had been caught off guard when I woke up, needing a few seconds in order to process where I was and exactly what was happening. Eventually I was able to recognize the noises that came from the hotel room as Dmitri snoring and what I believed to be Avery hunched over on the floor and pissing himself. Nice.

Touching my hands to my temples, I squeezed my eyes closed, hoping I could ignore and sleep off the feeling of my head throbbing and my stomach churning angrily.

I was going to be sick. I was absolutely going to be sick.

Suddenly wide away, I managed to get myself into the bathroom and over the lid of the toilet before vomiting the poisonous contents of my stomach rather violently.

I had thrown up more in the past six months than I had within the past six years and my god was I over it.

Resting my head on the seat of the toilet while attempting to ignore the lingering question in my head of who's ass was last on it, I gulped in air quickly, trying to both breath and calm my stomach at the same time.

"Kai… you okay?"

I looked up as best I could with my current blurry vision, recognizing Wyatt more by his voice than his silhouette.

"Yeah-" It was all I was able to get out before sacrificing last night dinner to the toilet gods once more.

He leaned over me, pulling my hair back and out of my face while touching his other hand to my back, rubbing it gently.

"You'll feel better once you're done puking."

"That's because I'll be dead." I said in between purges.

He had wrapped a blanket around himself when he got up and was now removing it, covering my shivering and aching body before brushing at my hair once more.

"Hang on." He said as he got back on his feet and moved to the sink. "I'll get you some water."

"I don't think I'll be able to drink it."

"You need to keep hydrated."

I wanted to tell him to fuck off but knew it wouldn't do anything. Wyatt wasn't a newbie or an idiot when it came to partying and realistically he likely knew what he was doing.

"Maybe I just have the flu or something." I groaned.

"You have a hangover." He giggled. "Two actually, one from the alcohol and one from the Molly. When your stomach settles I can roll a joint for you, it'll make you feel better."

I highly doubted that.

He handed me a plastic cup of water, which I sipped at slowly while wondering if I just brought the liquid to my lips that maybe he wouldn't notice I wasn't actually drinking it.

Instead he got down to my level, sitting next to me, and pulling me into his chest on the bathroom floor, leaning himself against the bathtub for support and wrapping his arms around me.

"I'm alright..." I grumbled.

He shushed me, leaning his cheek into my hair and taking hold of my hand gently. I didn't understand what I was feeling or why I was feeling it, but for some reason I had started crying. I felt disgusted with myself as last night memories fought their way back into my brain.

Everyone at school always called Wyatt a slut and that was what they would be calling me soon too. I felt dirty; disgusted with myself. Could you see it in my eyes? Could you tell what I had done? We had been in a public bathroom and I hadn't even taken him into a stall.

"Take a minute to catch your breath." He whispered. "You're gonna be alright, you're coming off of Molly, though… your depression is going to skyrocket for awhile."

That was stupid. I wasn't even diagnosed with depression, only PTSD and anxiety.

"Everyone is gonna find out what I did." I sobbed into his chest.

"No one is going to find out."

The tears blurred my vision now, causing me to rub at my eyes aggressively like a child.

"What the fuck is wrong with me?" I cried. "I'm not like you, Wyatt… I'm not a-"

I paused, catching myself before saying the word that was trying to come out. A gentle heat filled my face as a second wave of humiliation washed over me.

"A slut?" He finished the sentence.

"That's not what I meant..."

He didn't respond, instead just pulling me into him tighter as I cried, taking in deep and harsh breaths as his arms continued to squeeze around my waist. Last night had been a terrible idea and now I was paying for it. Everyone had heard me last night, everyone knew what we had been doing.

"Drink a little more water and brush your teeth." He said quietly. "Let's get you back into bed."

Turning my head and body slightly in order to stand up, I looked at him, my heart sinking when I saw the line of tears that had made their way down his face.

I had made him cry…

"I'm sorry..." I mumbled, wrapping my arms around his neck and pulling him into me. "I didn't mean that, I'm an idiot…"

"I don't think you're an idiot!" He spat out, throwing me off of him abruptly. His eyes were like daggers now and his face crinkled like he was finally going to crack. "You can't just talk down about yourself every time you make a mistake. Can you for once just apologize without making me feel bad for taking it that way in the first place? I know you think of me the same way that everyone else does, why don't you just own it instead of lying to me?"

He pushed me over, standing up and walking out of the bathroom before closing the door behind him, leaving me alone to think about what I had done.

He was wrong, though.

I didn't think of him the same way that everyone else did, and I was an idiot. I had the social skills of a turnip and most of the time I had no idea what I was doing.

I had to take a moment to breath before following him, putting my own current state of emotions on hold in order to help take care of his.

"Wyatt-" I called his name as I left the bathroom, caught off guard by the unmistakable absence of his presence. Giving the room a once over, I located him quickly on the balcony of the hotel room, seated on the floor of the open patio and smoking a cigarette.

Reluctantly, I approached and opened the door, sitting cross legged next to him without speaking at first, allowing a moment of silence before letting out a quiet apology.

"I shouldn't have done that to you." He mumbled, taking a deep inhale of his cigarette and blowing smoke through his nose. "You weren't ready..."

"I wanted you to do it..." I let out a fake exhale of laughter before continuing. "I had wanted you to do it for a long time, actually…"

"You could have asked at any time. I'm a slut, remember? I'd have done it..."

"I don't think you're a slut."

"I am one… even my parents think so..."

I wasn't sure how I was supposed to respond to our current conversation. Did I let him talk and just listen? Did I explain to him the thing I had been dreading to talk or even think about?

"They raped you..." I said after some silence. "The things you did weren't consensual."

"I agreed to do them."

"They were grown men; you were fourteen, twelve in some cases. You can't consent to that."

"Oral sex isn't rape, I've had sex with two people and I consented to both."

"Yes it is."

"It's not, Kai… it's just a blow job."

The tears were starting up again and my hands were shaking, my lip quivering to the point where I had to bite it. Not now… not here…

I had to say the words I was dreading. If I didn't say them my mind was going to pull me in. I didn't want to re-experience those nights again. Never again. I couldn't.

"I was eight the first time he made me do it..." I let out, squeezing my eyes shut and hoping that the memory would stay as far away as possible.

Wyatt looked up at me in confusion, cocking an eyebrow just slightly.

"What are you talking about?" He asked.

"He had made me touch him already at that point." I said. "He had to teach me how, I didn't know how to do it. After awhile it stopped being enough, though…"

He didn't speak right away, his face now flushed a light shade of pink as he took in the things he had said that I was currently responding to.

"You don't talk about when you were molested..." He eventually whispered.

"It wasn't enough for him. He had tried other… means… a few times. It hurt too badly, he didn't want me to scream. He used my mouth instead..."

I felt sick talking about it and I was worried I would vomit again, this time not close enough to make it to the bathroom.

"Kai… I'm sorry… I didn't know."

"You do not get to decide that I wasn't raped."

"Of course you were. You were only eight years old."

"You were twelve your first time. The age difference between twelve and eight it four years, just like the age difference between twelve and sixteen is four years… if, when you were twelve, you viewed an eight year old as a small child, you don't get to claim at sixteen that you weren't."

I wasn't exactly sure when the memories had started coming back. The nightmares came last night though, being held down, apologized to… he would sometimes cry while he did it, begging me for forgiveness but never stopping.

"I'm sorry..." Wyatt said again shamefully.

"You can't have sex with a fully grown man and pretend it's okay."

He looked at me in a way where I almost expected the sound of a record scratching to play, confusion filling his face.

"What do you mean?" He asked. "I wasn't having sex with an adult. I mean, my first time I guess she was almost an adult, younger when she made me do… some of the other things… He was my boyfriend at the time, though. That was all consensual." He paused. "Even if he hates me now."

At that moment, a light bulb suddenly went off in my head. The wheels that had been turning had stopped and I had realized the thing I should have figured out months ago.

"You lied to me." I said. "Didn't you? Haru didn't blackmail you after that first time. You were dating him."

"Kai, I don't wanna talk about this right now."

"You had sex with him. How could you not tell me that?"

Was this why he wouldn't take my virginity?

He shot up, the anger in his eyes not hidden.

"Because it's none of your fucking business!" He yelled, throwing the butt of his cigarette off the balcony. "For someone who refuses to talk about anything in your personal life I'm not sure why mine is just supposed to be a free for all! I had a life before you, you know, I wasn't just waiting here for the great Kai Hiwitari to sweep me off my feet and rescue me, the world doesn't fucking revolve around you!"

"Don't I deserve to know if you were dating the person who has spent all year harassing you!?"

"You don't, actually!" He sat back down angrily, digging his head into his knees the way I normally did when upset. "Please..." He sobbed. "Just go away..."

My heart felt like it had been ripped out of my chest… We had fought before, but something right now felt different, more intense. I had poured my heart and soul out to him and this was what I got in return.

It was everything I got when I was a little kid, after my mom had disappeared.

Seen but never heard.

Nothing felt real as I walked back into the hotel room, brushing the tears from my eyes and wondering if I should go and get Wyatt the blanket that he had draped over me. It was chilly outside, he must be cold.

I had left it in the bathroom.

Walking the direction which I came I went and grabbed it, caught somewhat off guard when I walked past the bed we had been sharing. Wyatt had left a joint rolled on it, one that he had planned on sharing with me. I think he had just rolled it minutes ago.

He had come in to comfort me, to help me… and I had called him a slut…

Sitting down in front of the door, I attempted to make myself as small as possible, leaning forward and breaking down completely.

I hated myself…

Now Wyatt hated me too.

Grunting noises interrupted my jumbled thought pattern as Dmitri's large body pulled up onto the bed. I think he had been sharing it with Avery originally, meaning he had gotten quite lucky that he had fallen off of the bed before pissing himself in his drunken state.

"What's all the damn racket?" He asked me, clearly not fully awake.

I didn't have to answer, it was easy to see the state I was currently in.

"Go back to sleep." I attempted to say quietly, covering my face as best as I could.

He rolled his eyes at me, getting out of bed and yawning. It was still the middle of the night.

"It'll pass." He shrugged.

"What will?"

"The drug effects. You're gonna be miserable for awhile but you'll be back to your old self eventually, the other kid will too."

He had glanced in the direction of Wyatt, still huddled into himself on the patio, back pressed against the glass sliding door.

"We're fine." I said.

"You're both going to be snippy for a bit, it might be best to give each other space while the effect wears off."

Wyatt had said the same thing before snapping at me, telling me that I would be extremely depressed for an undisclosed amount of time. It didn't feel that way, though… My emotions weren't just some drug infused falsehood. I had fucked up and now I was facing the consequences.

"What do you know, anyway?" I asked without lifting my head. I didn't want to talk to him. "You're just as bad as he is, you're basically my other stalker but your lies are so much worse."

He didn't seem even remotely bothered by what I was saying or the names I called him, instead standing on his feet and walking to the bathroom.

Although I tried not to look at him, it was hard not to notice that he was in nothing but his underwear and socks, scratching at his mess of dirty blond hair as he walked without making eye contact.

Although I wasn't at all attracted to Dmitri, he had what you would typically call a good body. He was muscular and extremely tall, likely able to touch the ceiling with ease if he wanted to.

As he turned his back to me, an electrical shock jolted through my entire body.

I had never seen him shirtless before.

There was no way for me to have ever noticed.

"Your back..." I said, standing up fast enough where I quickly became dizzy.

I recognized the scar immediately, a discolored mix between a triangle and an oval.

My own scar tingled as I took in what I was looking at, the branded mark that I had never realized that I shared with anyone. I didn't share it with anyone, though. I had only ever seen it on myself.

The smell of burning flesh, my own screams piercing my ears even though no one was making a single noise.

He didn't answer me, simply looking at me sadly before continuing to walk. He knew I wouldn't listen to anything he had to say.

They did it to all of them.

I'm different from a lot of people, I figured that was the one thing you could relate to.

"Dmitri-" I called out to him, stopping him in his tracks where he had been walking.

"What?" He didn't turn or look at me when he spoke.

Nothing he had told me had been a lie. Not a single word.

"Why do you hate him so much?"

I didn't need to say his name, we both knew who I was talking about. My main fear was that I didn't want to hear his answer, that it would set me off, bringing me down deeper into the abyss of my own mind.

"You already know why."

It was all he said.

Xxx

I woke up on the patio that morning, arm wrapped around Wyatt as I pulled him closer to my chest, blanket wrapped around us loosely. His hair tickled my nose and felt as soft as ever even when it was a knotted and unwashed mess.

I wasn't sure when I had gone to him, but the feeling of his skin brushing against mine brought that sensation back to me, the feeling that I had desperately missed last night.

"Are you still asleep?" I asked, giving him a gentle nudge before resting my cheek on the top of his head, breathing him in deeply.

"No…" He admitted after a moment.

"I'm sorry… for last night..."

Rubbing his eyes before forcing them open, he turned his head to look at me, a look that my own shame refused to allow me to make eye contact with. I wasn't sure I could face him yet.

"I am too." He sighed sadly. "It was the molly… coming off of it I just got so angry at you and you hadn't even done anything."

"I don't think you're a slut. I never did, I was ashamed of myself and I took it out on you."

"You didn't even call me a slut." He fake laughed badly, shaking his head at no one in particular. "Our brains are having a hard time adjusting to all the serotonin we used, it needs to make more, it'll take some time for us to be ourselves again."

I didn't know how any of that scientific stuff worked and couldn't tell you if he was talking through his ass or not, it didn't matter, though. He was right that we hadn't been ourselves last night.

I said nothing in response at first, instead hugging him tightly.

"I love you..." I whispered as the silence passed by. "I don't want to only say it when I'm drunk."

He blushed deeply, tucking a strand of hair behind his ear and avoiding the gaze of my eyes. I wasn't sure, but I thought I had caught the smallest hint of a smile.

"You don't have to say that."

"It's true." I mumbled. "Maybe I've been in denial, I'm not sure… but I'm not anymore. I love you, I know I do." Although the tears were coming back, they felt different this time. I wasn't ashamed of myself, I wasn't ashamed of the freedom that I desperately wanted. "I love you, Wyatt..."

Pulling him closer, I touched my lips to his, not even caring about the fact that we likely both had rank morning breath and extremely thankful he had suggested I brush my teeth after I had thrown up.

He kissed me back, not aggressively like he normally did, but the way it had felt when he did it for the first time. My first kiss, but all over again.

"I love you too, Kai…"

PSA: Don't do molly, the come down is absolutely not worth it. Like, I mean this with everything I have inside me, do NOT do it. Do pot instead.