Never Again
Twas the night of the annual Trafalgar Memorial Hospital Gala. What could go wrong? A lot.
Written for the One Piece Secret Santa event.
Notes: For DeviSan. I hope you like it.
Sengoku sighed as he looked around the room and shifted slightly in his seat. The hard backed chairs and the long, shiny mahogany table gleamed under the fluorescent lights above. And sitting around the table, shooting daggers at each other, was the most absurd group of people for which he'd ever had to arbitrate a case.
"We are gathered here today to discuss the settlement of the destruction of the historic Baratie building owned by the City of Grand Line allegedly caused by Donquixote Industries and Baroque Works Incorporated located in the district of Old Town Water Seven." Sengoku paused to take a breath. "Here to discuss the incident are Donquixote Doflamingo, President of Donquixote Industries, Sir Crocodile, President of Baroque Works Inc., Doctor Trafalgar Law, President of Flevance Memorial Hospital, Donquixote Rosinante, Head of Philanthropic Outreach of Flevance Memorial Hospital, Eustass Kidd, Lead Singer of the rock band-"
"Heavy metal." Sengoku flicked his eyes to his interrupter, the red head giving him a glare over a ripped jeans jacket. Punk died years ago didn't he know?
"Heavy metal band, Victoria Punk, and last but not least, Monkey D. Luffy, Lead Singer of the rock band-"
"Alternative rock." Sengoku closed his eyes, pretending for a moment that he was elsewhere, and not in a room with these people, specifically his great godson.
"Alternative rock band, The Straw Hats, and of course, Mr. Koby on behalf of the City." He looked around the table, only Koby offering a friendly smile. He rolled his eyes and went on, "the damage to the historic structure is listed as follows: twelve broken windows over 100 years old, water damage in the main dining room, and the burning down of the entire west wing of the venue." Sengoku shook his head and pursed his lips.
Crocodile glared around the room, before flicking open a lighter and setting about smoking a cigar. His dark suit looked like it absorbed nicotine for a living. "Do you have to do that in here?" Law hissed.
"Thought you enjoyed the smell of nicotine, Law," Doflamingo smiled widely at him. Golden eyes narrowed in response. Rosinante, seated next to Law, flushed..
"Oh, so you're coming to his defense now? I see how it is," Eustass drawled from the end of the table .
"See what? I don't see anything," Luffy picked his nose and looked bewildered as Doflamingo turned his glare toward Kidd instead.
"Idiot," Crocodile said around the cigar in his mouth. And, as if that were the trigger, the room exploded in a fit of curses, taunts and snarled comments hurled at one another. Sengoku pinched the bridge of his nose, thankful that this was not a full court case or outside the sanctity of this room would be a mob of press and reporters.
"Alright, alright, ALL OF YOU BE QUIET!" He roared, his raised voice shocking the rest of these idiots into quiet for a moment. They settled back in their seats, glaring, none more murderously than Law. "In order to proceed, I want to know what the hell happened, starting with you, Dr. Trafalgar."
The young man pursed his lips and folded his arms, then with the deepest, most aggrieved sigh Sengoku had ever heard, he opened his mouth and began.
Law sighed as he sank down into the chair in his office on the top floor. He closed his eyes, leaning back and popping his shoulders, enjoying the blissful silence. No beeping of hospital machines, whining patients, or pressing questions from various departments. Just sweet, sweet, quiet. After a moment, he reopened his eyes and stared at the picture of his beloved dog, Bepo, on his desk.
How he longed to be home and sit in front of his fireplace, Bepo curled at his feet. But it wasn't to be, for before he went home, Law needed to finish looking over the plans for the next day. It was going to be a very important night, after all, it t'was the night before the Trafalgar Hospital's first annual holiday charity gala.
He rubbed his goatee and eyed the folders on his desk. There were to be two holiday galas this year and he had yet to look over all the details. That was Cora's job, and at the end, all Law had to do was give things a once over, sign off and actually attend the fucking events.
He scooted the chair closer, the back wheel squeaking slightly. He made a note to complain to Shachi about it before opening the first folder.
The blonde, toothy grin of the President of Donquixote Industries looked up at him. God, even when Doflamingo was trying not to look like a shit head, he couldn't pull it off. The garish red suit didn't help. If Cora wasn't so camera shy, Law was positive that he would be the public face of his family's business.
He flipped through the pages; a band, charity auction, catering, blah blah blah. The usual and expected things. He could schmooze with the bastard for a night, after all, that money was going to pay for a brand new, state of the art, specialty treatment ward. Law signed his name on the line. Tomorrow night, the venue would be decorated, catering would panic in the kitchen and Law would spend the evening making sure to kiss a lot of ass. And, after the party, he would send all his collected tips off to various NGOs to make Doflamingo's stock dip a little.
He looked at the photo of Bepo again. Soon. Soon.
Law popped open the second folder allowing himself a moment of utter childishness as he stuck his tongue out at the smug face of Sir Crocodile, the President of Baroque Works Incorporated. He should really just have his Vice President do the photo shoots. She, at least, had the sex appeal factor. But Nico Robin was nearly as reclusive as Cora. Shame.
Again, a band, an auction, catering. The usual. Someday they should spice it up and have a bingo event instead. Law snorted, the image of Crocodile calling out bingo numbers far too funny. Tomorrow night, Law would put on his best black suit and pretend to be interested in the latest dealings the various departments of Baroque Works were up to. He'd flatter Crocodile, smile, flutter his eyelashes. Then the next day he'd have his lawyer pull up papers for various patents and screw Crocodile over.
Yes tomorrow night he would-
Wait.
Law tapped his fingers on his desk. Tomorrow was the gala for Doflamingo. But no, it was for Crocodile? Wait. Waitwaitwait-
He frantically opened Doflamingo's folder, looking at the dates for the caterer, the band, the set-up. Everything was scheduled and paid for tomorrow night. He grabbed the Crocodile folder and felt his heart stop.
No.
No. The band. The caterer. Tomorrow night.
Law looked up and at Bepo for a long excruciating moment before he picked up the phone and pressed the buttons too hard. It rang a few times before a cheerful "Law! I was just about to leave the office, what's up?" followed by the sound of something likely breaking.
"Rosinante," Law hissed, using his full and proper name so he would know how pissed he was, "what the fuck did you do?!"
"So after you realized the error, you reached out to Mr. Donquixote Rosinante, correct?" Sengoku eyed him. Law's irritated golden eyes stared back and he nodded once, so stiffly that Sengoku was concerned he would break something. "In that case, I would now like to hear from Mr. Donquixote Rosinante," it felt very strange to refer to his long time friend so formally, but this was a legal matter, not a friendly one.
"Oh, this should be good, asking the mute to speak," Crocodile growled.
"He doesn't speak to those he doesn't like, like a dog," Doflamingo's teeth flashed. Law's fist clenched on the table.
"But… dogs can't speak," Luffy tilted his head. Eustass snorted.
Sengoku cleared his throat, all eyes returning to him. "Go ahead Mr. Donquixote Rosinante."
Rosinante nodded, leaned back in his chair, and opened his mouth to continue the explanation of events.
"What the fuck did you do?!" Cora blinked, running quickly through his head what he'd done all day. Signed a number of grants, requested funds from the City, sent a few emails… What could make Law upset enough to use his first name? Oh. Wait. He knew what this was about.
"How did you know I slipped on the stairs? Was it Penguin who told you? You know he exaggera- ouch!" he cursed as the paper he was folding into an envelope cut into his thumb. Another one? That was the third paper cut today! On top of the ones from yesterday!
"You slipped on the-? Nevermind! No, the events tomorrow!"
"What about the event tomorrow?" Cora tilted his head, sucking on the tiny cut on his thumb.
"Not event, EVENTS! Plural!" Law practically screeched into the phone. Cora glanced at the photo of Bepo on his desk as if he could glean answers from it.
"Wha-"
"The fundraisers with Doflamingo and Crocodile are BOTH tomorrow night!"
Oh.
Oh no.
"It was at this point that you called the venue, after office hours, to confirm the mistaken scheduling?" Sengoku interrupted him. Rosinante nodded. He shuffled through his papers and pulled out the transcript.
"You confirmed with the venue, the transcript here states that they were under the impression the scheduling was on purpose. Is that correct?" Again Rosinante nodded.
"So it's their fault!" Eustass pointed a finger at Koby, who to his credit, didn't flinch.
"This would be no one's fault if these two could have acted like the adults they claimed to be!" Law snarled, glaring at Doflamingo and Crocodile.
"Yes, yes, we're getting to that Dr. Trafalgar," Sengoku sighed, holding up a hand to forestall whatever smartass quips were going to come from Crocodile or Doflamingo's mouths. "So, Mr. Donquixote, it was early in the morning the next day that you reached out to both Mr. Crocodile and to the elder Mr. Donquixote to explain the situation?"
"Yes sir."
"And what were their responses?" Rosinante took a moment to pull out a cigarette and light up.
"Weak brand," Crocodile commented snidely. Law opened his mouth to snarl something back, but Doflamingo interrupted him.
"Fitting isn't it? Fufufufu."
"That's a mean thing to say to your brother," Luffy frowned. Everyone rolled their eyes. It was public knowledge that Donquixote Doflamingo and his younger brother, Donquixote Rosinante, heirs to the Donquixote fortune, were not on the nicest of terms.
"It comes from a place of love," Doflamingo chuckled as Rosinante shot him a glare through the smoke.
"Please keep your comments to yourselves so Mr. Donquixote can continue," Sengoku rumbled. God they were like children. Rosinante put out his cigarette and Sengoku felt a moment of pity for him.
Rosinante closed his eyes and counted to three in the early morning light before picking up the phone and dialing the direct number to Ms. Nico Robin. It rang once, twice, a third time before the ever pleasant and polite voice of Crocodile's right hand woman picked up.
"Rosinante, what an early hour for a call. I do hope no one died," her voice was even as always despite the awful things that usually came out of her mouth. He almost told her that yes, someone had died, and that person was him but dramatics was Doffy's thing.
"Good morning Robin. Last night, I discovered a…problem with the event scheduled tonight." Problem was such a fun word. It could mean anything from a minor inconvenience like drinking the last of the milk to the utter absurd, like accidentally killing your neighbor.
"Oh? Did something happen?"
Rosinante sighed and grit his teeth. "Somehow, the venue double booked us, and after speaking with them, we are unable to change it. So after speaking with Law, and considering the possibilities...we were hoping to propose that you share the venue, create one gala instead of our yearly two."
Robin clicked her teeth. "Oh no, quite the conundrum. Who is the other party? We want to make sure they align with our image, of course."
Here it was, the kicker. "Ah, now before I tell you names, know that they have already agreed." A lie. "And are willing to make concessions on space and... decorations." Another lie.
"How gracious of them, I'm sure we could lend the same courtesy, now please, don't keep me waiting any longer, the suspense is killing me," Robin drawled.
"...Donquixote Industries."
There was dead silence on the phone.
"Oh Rosinante, of course we would be willing to share the venue," he could practically see the utterly dreadful gleeful smile on her lips. Oh he was going to regret this.
"Fufufu, putting words in my mouth little brother?" Doflamingo smiled widely. Rosinante flushed redder than Eustass' hair.
"Wish something else was in there instead," Crocodile muttered around another cigar.
"Oh Croc-y, was this the way to your heart at last?" Doflamingo placed his hand over his almost blindingly pink floral shirt in mock surprise.
"Die," Crocodile snarled.
"Children," Sengoku glared at them, more annoyed about having to use his chastising tone of voice on grown adults than their stupid comments.
"Haha you got scolded," Luffy laughed. Law covered his face with his hands.
"Mr. Donquixote," he gestured at Rosinante, "why did you lie to Ms. Nico Robin?"
Rosinante fidgeted a little, signs that Sengoku recognized as distress, if only because he'd been a part of his life since he was so young. "Because-"
"Because I told him to." Law grumbled, cutting in.
"Oh no, not the good doctor!" Eustass Kidd gasped and rolled his eyes, clutching at his heart. Luffy snorted. Law gave him a look that could curdle milk.
"I knew they would never agree unless the other agreed, because they both have embarrassingly large egos and equally small-" Law winced as Rosinante elbowed him in the side.
"Equally small what?" asked Luffy instead.
"Dicks," the heavy metal singer grinned ferally. Crocodile's eye twitched, the vicious hook on his arm glinting menacingly. As much of a press statement as a blunt weapon. The celebrity types were so ridiculous.
"Would you like to find out Law? Too bad I don't do sloppy seconds from my brother," Doflamingo laughed loudly as Rosinante almost lunged at him, Law holding him back.
"I heard differently in college," Crocodile drawled. Doflamingo turned towards him, Rosinante too. The temperature dropped in the room.
Time to step in.
"EVERYONE. If we could focus on the matter at hand? You can all kill or whatever one another after this case is settled," Sengoku said loudly.
"Hey Koby, can we get lunch soon?" Luffy whispered to Koby, who gave him a pained smile.
Everyone sighed.
"According to the guest lists, after BOTH," Sengoku gestured at Crocodile and Doflamingo, "parties agreed, extensive changes were made. Crocodile, you directed both Riku Doldo, Charlotte Linlin, and Gecko Moria to the event personally correct? Despite the very publicly documented court cases and litigation going on between Mr. Donquixote and the aforementioned guests?"
"I am allowed to invite whomever I choose to an event I am funding," he said smugly. Eustass chuckled under his breath. Sengoku gave them both warning glares.
"And you, Mr. Donquixote, invited Mr. Nefertiti Cobra, Mx. Emporio Ivankov, and the recently ousted Mr. Galdino, correct? Despite knowing that Sir Crocodile was in the midst of several lawsuits with them?"
"They are my friends, why wouldn't I?" The amused glint in Doflamingo's glasses was a sight to behold. A bad one. Sengoku took a breath, ignoring the sudden loud rumble coming from Luffy's end of the table. Eustass gave his fellow musician a surprisingly sympathetic look.
"So, by the evening, the guest lists were edited and your," Sengoku pointed at Doflamingo and Crocodile, "respective teams had set about making last minute changes to the decor and menu. Correct?"
"Can we skip all the crap about who they talked to 'n get to the part that matters? I'd like to not grow old and die here," Eustass growled.
Sengoku counted to three in his head before he answered. The red headed, stud wearing, ugly plaid patterned idiot had a point. "Alright, Mr. Eustass-"
"Your name is Used Ass? That's hilarious!" Luffy cracked up. Sengoku made a mental note to murder Garp later.
"It's EU-STASS you moron!" the red head raged, looking like he was about to strangle the lanky laughing moron. Too much like Garp, Dragon dodged that genetic bullet somehow.
"Shut up Straw Hat-ya," Law cut in before Sengoku could.
"Sorry sorry, Used Ass, shishishi," Luffy continued to giggle but he covered his mouth with both hands to try and stifle it. His fellow musician still looked like he was going to murder him.
"As you were saying Mr.-"
"Kidd. Just. Kidd." It sounded like his teeth were grinding into dust.
"Mr. Kidd. I believe you had something to say," Sengoku gestured for him to go on, Luffy barely getting himself under control and Law looking like he wanted to either commit murder or die himself. Sengoku wasn't sure, but he probably wasn't going to receive any holiday gifts from Law this year. Probably next year either. Rosinante sure liked them spiteful.
"Alright, here's the low down," Kidd growled, kicked his boots up onto the table and launched into the story.
Man this was a kitchzy gig. Kidd eyed the "upper echelons of society" with a raised eyebrow. They better fuckin' tip. A woman in a striped dress passed him, her skin like honeyed almond butter and an ass that could cover a country. Damn. "Kill, we're gonna slay these hoity toity morons," Kidd muttered as Killer approached him.
"Hey, we beat out Apoo for this, should make some good money. I think I see Kaido over there, talking to…whoever that huge woman is. If we impress him, we could make it into the big-"
"Fuck Kaido. I ain't selling out to some fuckin' record label," Kidd growled. Killer was quiet for a moment, then nodded. He'd back him up, he always did.
"The rest of the crew is setting up, you see that the other wing got a different band? What's up with that?" Killer crossed his arms before his eyebrows went up as the famous athlete, Hawkeye Mihawk, walked through the front doors.
"Yeah, the Straw Hats. Heard they're pickin' up steam in the East. Whatever. We're better than them, we're goin' to the top, Kill," Kidd growled. There was a sudden commotion as a stupidly tall blonde in a pinker'n'hell coat sauntered into the venue.
"That's the boss. Let's go see how Heat 'n Wire are doing," Killer tapped him on the shoulder. The Baratie was one of those old ass buildings that should have been torn down ages ago but they kept around because it was a part of history or some sentimental shit. Those dumbasses didn't have to try and deal with acoustics designed over a century ago.
They crossed through the main lobby, nobody even looking at them as they passed, too caught up in sniffing each other's asses. Whatever. When he was the hottest name in music, they'd look and he'd do the ignoring.
The stage where the others were almost done setting up was okay, people starting to trickle in. The decorations really clashed with the decor of the building though. Pink and gold and yellow everywhere. Weird shapes like the "high design" crap you saw in magazines about places you'd never see were hanging from the ceiling. It was festive somehow though, with tiny hot pink metallic trees on every surface and huge baubles filled with…something that changed color according to the levels of noise they detected. Or that's what the woman who showed them to the stage had said. That might be cool. Maybe they could play loud enough to break them. He grinned sharply.
"We're ready to go Cap," said Heat as they got up on stage.
"We're gonna blow their-" the sound of a guitar floated down the hall, but none of them were playing. "Fuck, the Straw Hats are already going! Let's kick their asses!" Kidd yelled at the rest of his band.
After the first four songs, there was a sizable number of people hanging around in the big ante room, including a number of recognizable faces. Kidd saw the Influencer, Basil Hawkins, watching them play in the back corner.
"Alright guys, let's take 5," Kidd called out. He hopped off the stage, sweating and hungry. He'd seen quality free food earlier and was determined to grab some of it. "You, Victoria Punk boy," came a smooth voice from the dark corner. A man with some of that free food stuck to his face gestured for him to come over.
"Yeah?" Kidd shrugged.
"Young Master Doflamingo will pay you extra to drown out the band that's playing on the other side."
"Hey, Bon-chan told us that too!" said Luffy loudly. Sengoku raised an eyebrow.
"Do you know who this man was, Mr. Kidd?"
"Don't know his fuckin' name but he drove this guy," he pointed at Doflamingo, "here this morning."
"Bon-chan works for that banana," Luffy pointed at Crocodile. Law let out a snort at the nickname Luffy had dropped on a man the World Economy News had accused of turning the once great city of Alabasta into a banana republic for his services.
Sengoku sighed. "Well?" he looked pointedly at Doflamingo and Crocodile.
"Tch, it wasn't my fault that the guests he invited were prone to getting into heated arguments with my guests. The music was to keep it quieter," Crocodile scoffed.
"My art pieces functioned best with the type of music Used Ass here can play, or so I was told, and I'm nothing if not a lover of the arts," Doflamingo bared his teeth at Kidd. Kidd bared his teeth right back.
"You didn't have to play louder," Law hissed, attracting Kidd's ire and a raised eyebrow from Luffy.
"But I wanted to! And anyway everything was fine till they ran outta food," Luffy pouted.
Please don't let that be the inciting incident Sengoku begged. "Please elaborate Mr.-"
"They ran outta food!"
"You ate it all!" Kidd and Law yelled.
"Some of that might have been Charlotte Linlin…" Rosinante's comment fell on deaf ears as Luffy and Kidd began yelling at each other. It was the word fire that jumped out at Sengoku and made him slam his meaty hand down on the table.
That shut them up.
"What did you say about the fire?"
The two singers looked at each other and then sank back down into their seats, looking guilty. Neither of them had a poker face worth shit.
"You fuckers," Law muttered.
Luffy sent a pouting glare Law's way. "It wasn't my fault! See what happened was…"
MAN THAT WAS A HUGE TREE! He stared up at it, craning his head back to try and see the top. Big, fat, heavy ornaments hung from its hilariously hot pink branches. It was like if a unicorn and a Christmas tree had a really, really big baby.
And next to it was the place that Zoro kept looking at, where all the fancy wines were being handed out. BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY, on the other side was the food table. Cheeses and little meats and cakes and cookies and fruits and weird stuff he'd never had before but liked so far. The weird little squishy black circle stuff was real good on cheese.
And if he hurried, he'd beat that big old lady to it! And maybe Nami wouldn't notice that he'd gone for it again. She wasn't paying for it, so shouldn't she be happy? Oh well. Luffy slipped through the crowd, narrowly avoiding Vivi's dad's eyes. He didn't have time to talk now, there was food he had to grab!
As he reached the table in the enormous lobby, his heart fell somewhere below his stomach. Most of the food was gone, except for some measly crackers. This was now the worst holiday gig ever, even worse than that time Gramps made a roast and ate the whole thing without giving him, Ace or Sabo any. Oh well, he'd have to grab those crackers to tide him over till the next set break.
Luffy reached for them at the same time as another hand did. Their wrists bumped. Oh hell no. "I saw it first," Luffy said as he turned and looked up into the face of a funny looking guy with bright spiky red hair. The guy glared down at him.
"Like hell! I saw it first Straw Hat!"
"No, I did!" Luffy glared at the jagged looking guy, his fingers closing around a cracker.
"Put that down, it's mine!" Jaggy snarled and closed his hand around Luffy's. So it was like that huh?! Luffy yanked his hand back and shoved the cracker in his mouth. Jaggy got right up in his face and they glared at one another.
"Oh, crackers," came a voice from off to Luffy's right. A man he didn't know with an X shaped scar on his chin grabbed the last one and walked away. Both he and Jaggy seethed after him.
"What an asshole!"
"Yeah, stupid head," Luffy stuck his tongue at the guy's leatherclad back. A second passed and Jaggy went back to being mad at him. Whatever, the food was gone, nothing mattered anymore. He blew a raspberry at Jaggy and walked back to the big room where Zoro 'n the others were. Zoro was doing something to his guitar and Usopp was doing something to his drums. Looked boring. But Nami was talking to some fancy looking blue haired guy with a pet rat. That looked fun!
"Whoa a rat!" he rushed over and poked at it, Nami letting out that noise she does whenever he or Zoro did something she didn't like.
"Luffy! Sorry, he just uh, likes animals. Ask next time you fool!" she hissed at him. But the blue guy didn't seem to mind.
"You're the lead singer right? I like your stuff," he said. Luffy frowned a little. He'd been hoping that he could make the mouse talk like the weird bird guy that had been wandering around.
"Does he do tricks?"
"Uh, no," the blue guy scratched the back of his head.
"Oh. Lame," Luffy pouted. First no food, now this. Nami made that noise again.
"Luffy, why don't you go get some food?" she said, grabbing his collar and smiling that way she did when he did something wrong, which was always, so maybe it was actually just her face.
"There wasn't any left!" he pouted. The mouse ducked out of sight in the guy's pocket.
"Why don't you go check the kitchens then?" NAMI WAS A GENIUS! He gave her a huge grin and raced off to find the kitchen. He'd been there before when Sanji was working here so he knew the way!
The kitchens were on the other side so he had to pass through the big room with the big huge pink tree again. It only got weird on that side of the building though. Whereas his side was all decorated in lots of dark green and silver and black, this side was bright gold and more pink. He was kinda jealous, this side looked more fun.
He reached the hallway where all the waiter guys with trays and stuff kept coming from. But there, at the end of the hallway on the other side, was a familiar face. Jaggy. They looked at each other. Luffy was gonna get the food first!
They both rushed forward towards the kitchen doorway, shoulder to shoulder, pushing and shoving! Then barely fit through and into the chaos of the kitchen. It smelled like heaven. Luffy could hear one of the chefs directing the other chefs, and the blaze of fire and chopping of knives. This was the most magical room ever.
A huge tray of food sat near one of the big furnaces, waiting for someone to bring it out to the front. He and Jaggy looked at it. Their eyes met. In unison, they bolted towards it. It was gonna be his!
Jaggy stuck out his leg, and the floor came up to meet Luffy's face.
"You thought it was a good idea to trip someone in a busy kitchen?!" Law screeched and Sengoku closed his eyes. According to the reports in front of him, the fire had been started by hot oil on a stove being spilled and causing the flames to spread very fast and very hot.
"I didn't trip him, he fell over my leg!" Kidd crossed his arms.
"No I didn't! That food was mine!" Luffy yelled back.
"The kitchen staff shouldn't have let anyone unauthorized into the kitchen, so really it's their fault," Crocodile shrugged. Koby looked affronted.
"Really, the venue should pay for the damage their sprinkler system did to my designer coat," Doflamingo chimed in. Rosinante gave his brother a disgusted look.
"Neither of you are any better than these two morons, you did the same fucking thing," Law growled, pointing between Crocodile and Doflamingo and Kidd and Luffy. Sengoku jumped in before the two business executives could start slinging a volley of retorts in Law's direction.
"Please elaborate Mr. Trafalgar."
"With glee," Law grinned, his teeth like little pointy devil horns. The holiday spirit was dead with these idiots.
This was one of the more stressful nights in Law's life. Med school exams were better than this. Law strode toward the podium in the middle of the lobby, his ears still throbbing from going back and forth to the opposite sides of the building, the music so loud he might scream.
But it was almost over. Get through the auction, and the event was done. At least with this many big names, the hospital might get a lot more funds than he was expecting. Almost wasn't worth the number of arguments he'd broken up among people tonight. Kaido and Linlin, Kaido and Newgate, Linlin and Newgate, so many others. This was always a sniping-at-one-another kind of event, but this was on another level.
He breathed a small sigh of relief as he spotted Cora through the crowd, standing next to Mihawk. The only invite who was on both Crocodile and Doflamingo's lists.
"Alright, Cora, I need you to go find your stupid bastard of a brother for the auction," Law mumbled, exhaustion dripping from his voice. Cora gave him a sympathetic smile, a stain of some sort on his tie. He left to go do Law's bidding without a single comment.
"Crocodile has been cornered by Ivankov over there," Mihawk spoke up suddenly, pointing. Law looked at him, surprised, as he sipped wine.
"I-"
"I'm on my way out, please pass along my compliments to the wine sommelier, it's excellent," and with that, the enigma of a man nodded at Law and let him be. If only the rest of the world could be as succinct as that man.
Instead, they were whatever horror Law was walking into as he spotted Crocodile standing in the main lobby stuck between Emporio Ivankov and one of Doflamingo's bright pink trees.
"Excuse me, Sir Crocodile, we're about to start the auction, if you'd come with me?" Law cleared his throat. Mx. Ivankov gave him an amused glance. Whatever they'd been saying to Crocodile had obviously gotten under the man's skin. Law wasn't sure he'd ever seen him so flustered. Doflamingo had chosen a colorful collection of guests, that much was certain.
Crocodile pushed past them and marched away, Law frowning as he had to hurry to keep up. They entered the lobby, the silver and green clashing with the pink and gold. The massive tree near the back almost floor to ceiling windows stood out like a sore thumb.
"That tree is horrific," Crocodile hissed, and Law wasn't sure if he was making conversation or not. As they approached, Law saw Cora approaching with Doflamingo behind him. A glass of wine sat in Cora's hand and Law didn't blame him a bit.
As they reached Law and Crocodile, Doflamingo called out, "Croc-y! Or should I say Croco-boi? How do you like my trees?" he gestured forward, the pink of his feathered coat matching the tree behind them. Crocodile's eye twitched.
"How did you like my band? They managed to out metal your metal group didn't they?" he growled back. Doflamingo's eye twitched. Cora caught Law's eye and Law knew that he too wished he were at home with Bepo.
"Gentlemen, let's open the auction shall we? Remember, we're doing this for charity," Law said through gritted teeth.
"Oh, Croco-boi, I hope you'll enjoy the last item on the list," Doflamingo chuckled. Law furrowed his eyebrows. Had the items changed? He looked at Cora who was taking another sip of wine. One of the staff came up and handed Law the list of items and a microphone.
"Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for coming tonight. We are starting our auction!" he smiled, or hoped it was a smile. Based on the look on Cora's face, he wasn't succeeding. After a few more calls, the crowd gathered around them as a cart with the first item was brought out.
With that, the auction began. It was all going smoothly, guests bidding on art, exclusive experiences, and the usual menagerie of things the ultra rich thought were fun to waste their money on. Law's face almost twitched as he auctioned off a statue made of Amber Lead, right after the sale of an antique barrel of dance powder.
Neither Doflamingo or Crocodile had bid on any item yet, and as it got closer to the end of the auction, Law wondered if they would. Everyone was here to see what these two assholes were going to drop millions and millions of beri on, and they had yet to drop a cent!
He reached the last item on the roster, and Law realized with dread that all that was written on the paper he held was "Surprise".
"We've reached our last item, which is a surprise even to I," Law said through a grimace. The crowd chuckled and whispered among one another. Doflamingo's grin was ominous. Law almost didn't want to remove the sheet that was draped over the item.
Like ripping off a bandage, he grasped the sheet and pulled. His stomach dropped. Before him was the most hideous thing he'd ever seen. Pink, yellow, neon green. Colored baubles were knitted into the fabric. A sort of Christmas tree and reindeer motif was just barely visible.
The label above the item in the glass case read:
One of a Kind, Designed by Giolla, Holiday Spirits cashmere sweater.
Law read the description into the microphone, the crowd laughing. Doflamingo's eye twitched and he snatched the microphone from Law. "I'll bid two million! It's only fair as one of the hosts," he crowed over the crowd. Crocodile flushed and Law blanched as the scarred man raised his bidding flag. Three million. Doflamingo smiled like a cat that had cornered a mouse.
The bidding war took off, back and forth they went, glaring at one another. At 50 million beri, Law felt the night was almost worth it. That alone would pay for the new ward he wanted to fund! Cora on the other hand was on another glass of wine. That should have been the first clue that something was wrong.
The price kept spiraling up and up and soon enough the crowd was chanting their names, egging them on. Both of them were red in the face now, flecks of spittle on their lips, determined to outbid the other. Determined to cow the other into submission.
"300 million!" Doflamingo screamed, a full 50 million more than Crocodile. The crowd was stunned into silence before someone let out a whoop.
"Like you could afford that! 350 million!" Crocodile snarled. And at that moment, there came a great screeching and blaring sound from the fire alarms along the walls. Everyone jumped, looking around wildly and then screaming as the ceiling sprinklers turned on.
In seconds, all was chaos, and worse, Cora in his frantic looking around and startlement, slipped on the now wet floor. As if in slow motion, the wine glass in his hand flew out and splashed across Crocodile's vest. Law's mouth dropped open.
"Red's really your color fufufufu!"
And Crocodile snapped. He reeled his fist back and punched Doflamingo in the face, the tall man falling backwards into the pink tree.
"Some people just can't take a joke," Doflamingo chortled. Crocodile looked on the verge of hitting him again.
"At least I can take a punch," Crocodile retorted. A vein throbbed in Doflamingo's forehead.
"Needless to say, the tree should have been more stable, really, again, this was all the venue's fault," the elder Donquixote said through gritted teeth. Koby let out a noise of disbelief. Sengoku stared at everyone around the table.
"So a historic structure was destroyed all because you idiots couldn't act like sane adults?" Sengoku finally spit out. Law looked at him in a way that said he might continue considering Sengoku as family depending on his verdict.
"I find Donquixote Industries and Baroque Works Incorporated to be at fault, case closed. Have your lawyers work out the details," he sighed.
"Does this mean we can get lunch?" said Luffy before Doflamingo or Crocodile could say a word.
Sengoku nodded and the boy gave him a grin that could break hearts.
"C'mon Jaggy! Let's get food 'n you can show me how you did that sound you made at the party during your last set!" he grabbed Kidd by the arm and practically yanked him from the room. Law and Rosinante looked at one another, got up, and without a word left the room, but Sengoku didn't miss the spiteful little smile on Law's face. He hoped Bepo would appreciate having a happy owner for a few days.
Doflamingo gave Sengoku a scathing look and muttered "I always hated that place anyway, should build something better there," as he got to his feet.
"Tch, like a casino," Crocodile suggested. The two men looked at one another before a wide genuine grin crossed Doflamingo's face and he draped an arm around Crocodile's shoulders.
"I like the way you think." The two of them left the room, Koby staring after them before looking at Sengoku.
"Are…are all cases like this?" he asked, a lock of pink hair slipping out of the ponytail he had it in. Sengoku sighed and clapped him on the shoulder without answering.
Notes:
The wish was for Doflamingo having a very pink Christmas Tree and Crocodile absolutely hating it. This is the scenario that came out of my brain. I have never written any of these characters before so I hope they aren't too OOC. I also have barely ever written a modern era AU type thing before either. This was fun, I had a good time making up fake arbitration. Also, the chaos all these idiots bring together. Very fun.
This was my gift to DeviSan for the #OPSecretSanta2021event. Check out the tag on twitter to see everyone's amazing stuff!
Let me know your thoughts and happy holidays! As always, thank you for reading and you can find me on Twitter at buggyisbest!