Chapter 27: Leeches and Toads
Hibari sighed as she walked past the door to Ranma's room. It had been a week and her fiancée had been taken away by the Chardins. She'd visited Ranma almost every night since, but had missed tonight and it was lonely without the little redhead. (And Ranma's cute male form too... Hibari wasn't too proud to admit she missed that view too.)
Well, maybe tomorrow she'd get better news. For now she just planned to head to bed. Today just hadn't been her day. Her chopsticks didn't break right at lunch. Her motorcycle had failed to start (the reason she missed seeing Ranma tonight). It had just generally been a string of ill results.
As she opened the door to her room she was greeted to a rather unusual sight. Her clothing was scattered everywhere, and a small creature-no, person(?) was rifling through her underwear drawer, muttering something about fishing.
Slinking over silently she pulled the emergency uzi she kept hidden behind her stereo out and swung it around to point at this small shrivelled being.
"Freeze!" she ordered as she unhitched the safety.
"Cheese? I love pictu-" the tiny man began as he turned to give her a peace sign. Apparently he had mistaken the click of the safety for that of a camera. "Woah there, girly. Let's not point firearms at an innocent old man!"
"You have until the count of three to step away from my underwear."
"You're quite unladylike, little-"
"One."
"You should respect your eld-"
"Two."
"You're getting on my temper mi-"
The shrivelled man's reply was muffled by the sound of Hibari opening fire. The tiny pervert moved quickly, but her micro uzi's rate of fire proved enough to force him on the run. In her outrage Hibari paid little attention to the damage she was doing to her room as she tried to hit the creep.
Unfortunately her magazine was soon exhausted. As she paused to reload the shrivelled creep propelled forward, the look in his eyes implying an intent to grope. Hibari managed to dodge his effort to latch on, but he still had a chance to grab for a moment.
Needless to say Hibari was feeling about the angriest she'd felt in her life. Shaking with rage she struggled to insert the new magazine.
Luckily Happosai was frozen in thought, staring at his hands. After a moment of shock he muttered a single word: "Fake."
"And that's the only reason I'm not calling in help to make this more painful for you," Hibari seethed, having finally reloaded and now pointing the barrel of her uzi at him.
Happosai turned to look her over, and as he did so the energy in the room seemed to shift. Hibari was able to recognise it as the old creep's aura, and struggled to keep her weapon pointed at him.
"You've got a good passion for the finer things in life, but you've gone a little too far... boy," Happosai declared after a moment.
Hibari's eye twitched and, despite Happosai's battle aura, she found the courage to pull the trigger. Unfortunately she'd unconsciously ended up aiming at where the head of his battle aura projected, not Happosai's true head, and the diminutive pervert leapt out the window (with his sack of stolen goods) before she could correct.
As the threat vanished into the night Hibari's adrenaline levels finally fell. This was followed by her dropping to her knees, staring into space. Whatever it was that just happened felt surreal, but also left her feeling violated to her core.
It took her a moment to notice that Tsugumi had arrived and pulled her into a warm maternal hug. Once the sensation broke through her state of shock Hibari grasped ahold of her older sister and began to cry into Tsugumi's shoulder.
"It's okay, Hibari. Just tell me what happened," Tsugumi said softly.
"There was this little creepy old man... he was going through my underwear, stealing all of it... and I tried to stop him, but..." the blonde muttered into her sisters shoulder.
A frazzled looking Tsubame rushed along from the hallway, glancing back over her shoulder as she moved (as if convinced whatever she saw would vanish if she took her eyes off it).
"My room is a total mess! My clothes are everywhere and-wait, what happened here?" the brunette asked as she took in the damage done to Hibari's room.
"He had to have been a top class martial artist," Hibari muttered. "The way he moved... It was superhuman. I tried to stop him..."
"With what? An uzi?" Tsubame replied sarcastically, before noticing there was indeed an uzi lying on the floor. "Oh... you take your security seriously."
"Well, come on, Hibari. Tonight you can sleep in my room, and then tomorrow we'll work on getting you new furniture," Tsugumi offered, helping her sister back to her feet.
Ranma's stomach gurgled as she lay in bed. Hibari hadn't show up yet... probably had to start studying for exams. Ranma felt an odd twinge of regret at being here, dealing with martial arts and family honour rather than studying with Hibari. Had she actually grown to like school? Or was it just the proximity to Hibari as they worked quietly together that she liked?
Well, part of it was probably her seeing school as a challenge rather than an obstacle now. Which meant she had to accept and conquer it the best she could.
But for now she just had her hunger to worry about.
Knocking at her window warmed Ranma's heart, and the redhead rushed over to open the window.
However it was not Hibari waiting outside, but Ukyo. The brunette was clad in her usual gakuran, battle spatula in tow.
"Hey Ranchan," she said as she hopped into the bedroom. "Phew, this place is fancy."
"Hi Ucchan. Is Hibari with you?"
"No. I'd have figured she'd already have visited. I grabbed a train and roofhopped from the station."
Ranma nodded. "That's a lot of effort. Thanks for comin' all this way."
Ukyo smiled and put a hand on Ranma's shoulder, taking in the lingerie look of the shorter girl's clothes and blushing slightly. "Of course I came out here. You're my fiancée. I would have come sooner, but business was slow and I couldn't close shop early without risking failing to reach rent... but I'm here now."
Ukyo was surprised to find Ranma suddenly hug her. "I missed you, Ucchan."
Ukyo felt a brief moment of bliss, before remembering something. "You know, there's something you've given your other fiancées that you still owe me."
"What's that?" Ranma asked nervously, taking a step back.
Ukyo leaned forward and place a hand under Ranma's chin. "A kiss."
As Ukyo's lips made contact with Ranma's the shorter girl nearly pulled away, but instead gave into the sensation, returning the kiss. Ukyo was definitely a good kisser. Better than Shampoo (who's main tool was cuteness rather than skill), and definitely better than Sanzenin (actually seeing the other person in the kiss as, well, a person).
As Ukyo broke away Ranma was left with an idea. Sure, Shui hadn't been real, but maybe that idea of adding a third person to the romance could still work. Ukyo and Hibari did get along, after all.
"Now then, tell me what exactly's going on, Ranchan. Since I am in the food martial artists' business myself, maybe I can provide a few tips."
Suzume was hurrying to school the next morning when she saw a tiny old man looking over a map. He was shorter than she was, and generally seemed to fit the mosquito faced description Hibari had given of the thief last night. As such Suzume decided to march past him.
"Little girl, would you mind helping an old man out?" Happosai asked, hurrying after her.
"I'm busy. Try asking someone else," the little bluenette replied curtly, increasing her pace.
"I may have been away from Tokyo for a while, but that is certainly no way to treat your elders," Happosai said, trying to sound stern while keeping his anger in check.
"I don't know you. If you keep following me... this is your last warning," Suzume countered, shooting the man an angry look.
"Now see here! A young girl like you should show resp-"
"HELP! I don't know you! Get away! I won't follow you to YOUR VAN! Don't touch me!" Suzume shouted, begin to run through the safety lessons Tsugumi and Hibari had both given her.
Every head on the street turned to see what was happening, along with many heads poking out of windows and over fences.
"You're lucky you're a child, otherwise I would teach you a lesson," Happosai hissed, before bounding off across the city.
To think, he'd only planned to ask the girl for directions. What had happened to the youth while he was in that cave? Hopefully Genma and Soun's children would be reliable.
Ranma groaned in pain as while sitting under the cold water of a shower. The desire to return to being male had been growing stronger the last few days. The pigtailed cutie couldn't understand why, but had tried to act on the desire.
Only to have internal organs crushed by the iron corset that came with Chardin bridal training.
At least the hunger pains were no longer front and center in Ranma's mind.
"Y-yakuza? Really?" Akane asked her sister as she watched Nabiki pocket the 1000 yen bill she'd just handed over.
The pair were standing on the roof of Furinkan, away from the lunch hour chaos below. Akane shivered despite the late July heat.
"I don't lie to a client who's paid full price," Nabiki replied casually. "I looked through my records to see why I'd recognised the name Oozora. They're the head Yakuza group in Western Nerima and Suginami. It seems daddy's friend got himself tied up in something quite messy."
"She seemed so nice though... I suppose I should still go thank them. D-do you have an address?"
"One better," Nabiki declared confidently. "After some effort I procured their telephone number. So you can send you thanks without risking your neck. Or wasting bus fare."
(Nabiki's extensive searching had in fact merely involved looking through a phone book, but it was better to give the impression matters had been more difficult than reality.)
When Akane got home she rushed straight to the phone. She noticed that some furniture had been moved into the kitchen, and vaguely wondered if Kasumi was doing some cleaning.
She'd ask after the phone call.
When someone finally answered Akane was overjoyed to hear a girl whose voice felt like that of a highschooler. "Hello, Oozora family residence. Who's calling?"
"Akane, er, Tendo Akane. I was hoping to speak to Hibari?"
"Oh... you want the pervert," the girl on the replied before calling out. "Hey! Hibari, you've got a call. Some girl."
"Did you call me a pervert, sis?" Hibari's voice shouted in the background.
"Only because it's true," the other girl yelled back.
"Ugh. Just give me the phone, Tsubame," Hibari replied. Akane her the rumbling noises of the receiver switching hands. "Hello, Oozora Hibari speaking."
"H-hi!" Akane replied, wondering just why Hibari's sister was calling her a pervert. She was starting to wonder about this whole idea...
The phone was quiet for a bit, until Hibari realised there wasn't anything else coming her way. "Um, who is this?"
"Oh! Right, your sister didn't say. It's Akane. I'm just phoning because me and Kasumi were talking and, well, we figured we need to do something nice for you and the Saotomes since we kind of owe you for helping us with this mess. We were thinking of maybe inviting you over for dinner? W-when Ran is free of this mess too, of course," Akane rambled, trying her best to stay calm.
"Thank you," Hibari replied, a bit surprised that such a big deal was being made out of all this. "Hey, did you want to sneak over to the Chardin's with me tonight to pay Ran a visit?"
"Uh, sure."
"Cool. I'll swing by around 8. Bye."
"Bye," Akane replied, before hanging up.
Akane was smiling as she walked towards the family room. She was going to get to properly thank Ran. As well as get to know her and Hibari. It would be nice to have other girls around who wanted to talk martial arts.
Reaching the family room her smile vanished as she was greeted to the sight of her father crying as a tiny old man sat jovially drinking saké across the table from him.
"Oh, I didn't know we had a guest."
"A-Akane... yes. I... this is my old master, he taught Saotome and I everything w-we know about martial arts," Soun stammered between sobs.
The old man put his drink down and gave Akane a once over. "Akane-chan!"
The shrivelled man lept towards her with alarming speed, grabbing ahold of her front. Screaming Akane began her best efforts to beat his skull in. Eventually he dislodged, yet seemed none the worse for wear.
"The girl's got pep. Too bad... wasted with her delicate feminine nature," Happosai declared.
"I'll show you delicate!" Akane roared, as she smashed the tv stand into the place he'd been standing.
"Tsk, tsk. I thought you would have trained her to respect a grandmaster more, Soun," the letch replied from across the room.
"What's going on?" Kousaku asked as he rushed to find the reason for Akane's scream.
Happosai bounded up to him, before leaping onto his shoulder to poke and prod Kousaku's face.
"I don't remember you having a son, Soun. Doesn't look much like you either."
Sobbing worse than ever Soun was a broken man. The master had returned, and his daughters were old enough to interest him. "Th-that's Sakamoto K-Kousaku. H-he's Harue's boy. She passed away recently, so I took him in."
Happosai seemed to show a brief moment of honest mourning. "A shame. She was a beautiful woman, and the world is an uglier place for her absence. But you look durable enough, Sakamoto-kun. No Kappei, but I think I'll train you up as if you were Soun's own."
"Kappei? Wait... the anime character Sakamoto Kappei?" Kousaku asked.
Akane shivered. "I hate that show..."
"Come on my boy, I'm going to run you through some basic testing!" Happosai declared, dragging Kousaku off to the dojo.
Once he was firmly out of earshot Nabiki and Kasumi's faces popped around the door frame.
"That was your master, daddy? He's a total creep," Nabiki said flatly.
"Let's not anger him. His wrath is a terrifying thing," Soun replied, staring off into empty space.
"Well, what shall we do with the furniture he moved?" Kasumi asked.
"Storage I suppose," Soun sighed.
Akane's indignations were briefly cut off by the sound of Kousaku screaming.
"The Master's methods are harsh," Soun muttered.
The Tendo dinner table was very awkward that night. All three girls sat staring at the shrivelled old man devouring half their kitchen (though Kasumi managed to be subtle about it). Soun simply continued to exist in a state of shock. Kousaku meanwhile was exhausted and kept dropping the same piece of broccoli.
Eventually Akane couldn't take it anymore. The man was a slime, a pervert, and clearly planning to eat them out of house and home. Still, her father had warned of Happosai's wrath, so she'd try to stay polite.
"So, Happosai-sensei... as a grandmaster, you wouldn't happen to know anything about the Chardin Family or Martial Arts Dining, would you?" she asked. Hoping to see if he could actually prove useful.
The old man paused his gorging to blink in thought. "Ho-oh, yes! I remember. It should be under 'J' for 'Josephine'... I found out she was Swiss later, but man... what a set of legs..."
"Under J? Where?" Akane asked, turning to her sisters.
"Master Happosai did bring many scrolls with him," Kasumi replied. "Grandfather Happosai, would it be okay if we looked for information?"
"Sure, sure," he muttered, apparently lost in thoughts of Josephine.
The three girls snuck off, Akane taking a moment to confirm that Kousaku had at last managed to get that bit of broccoli. He was now struggling with a bit of cod.
Reaching the room Happosai had claimed the sisters found it in chaos. Women's underwear was strewn about. Scrolls simply sat in piles. Nabiki found her eye twitching at the poor bookkeeping (while Akane's twitched at the perversion).
"This might take a while," Nabiki stated flatly as she started poking through texts.
Mousse had to admit that being held prisoner was a lot more boring than he'd ever realised. The only events in his day were when Shampoo came to bring him food. In cursed form every time.
He was fairly certain she was staggering his meals to keep him confused, but with no way to tell what time it was he couldn't say for sure. Sighing he ran his hand along his rough buzzcut, only to freeze halfway.
«That was Shampoo,» he muttered aloud. «Oh gods... I cut her hair. And she shaved me clean...»
Mousse collapsed against the wall. He may have been unsettled by Shampoo's new curse, but he'd still hoped he could somehow talk her into returning home and finding a cure. Having cut her hair in battle though... she had to hate him. Well, she had shaved him in response, and that was generally the ultimate insult a warrior of the Niujiezu.
His entire life's goal was lost now.
"Found it!" Nabiki announced happily as she pulled a book out from a pile of various tomes.
Akane hurried over to read with her. (Kasumi had been drawn away by the need to clean up after dinner.) The two felt various stages of disgust as they flipped through the book's illustrations of various inhuman looking practitioners of this foreign art. Until they came to one one named 'Monsieur Petite Bouche'.
"He actually looks human," Akane whispered. "Was he any good?"
Nabiki kept reading a bit farther to find out, not wanting to give her hopes any time to rise under false hope.
"He was," she whispered. "Through something called the Parlay du foie gras."
The sisters read along excitedly. There were warnings about it being a dangerous and unorthodox technique. And then... the next page was illegible, covered in crudely drawn, well, crude drawings of women. As well as what was almost certainly meant as a self portrait of Happosai, but with long flowing hair.
Akane felt her eye twitch once again, while Nabiki struggled to try and read despite the doodles. Unfortunately this proved effectively useless as the words she could make out were ambiguous at best.
"Well, it's a start at least," Akane sighed.
The sound of honking at the front door provided a welcome distraction, and Akane hurried out to see who was there. She found Hibari waiting patiently on a motorcycle, with a second helmet in her hand.
"Hey there," Hibari said happily as she waved. "You look a little tired. Are you sure you're up for the ride?"
"Anything to get out of the house right now," Akane replied, before walking up to whispering range of Hibari. "Daddy's old master is staying with us, and... he's one of the most unpleasant people I've ever met."
"I'm sorry to hear that," Hibari said, before handing Akane her helmet. "Well, hop on and hold tight."
Akane quickly pulled the helmet on before doing as instructed. The sudden burst of speed was exhilarating. As they whipped along the streets of Nerima Akane found herself wishing she had a motorcycle herself. It would probably be pricey, but bring Nabiki along to get a used one and she might be able to afford it.
"Is it hard to get a licence?" Akane shouted.
"Wha?-Oh! No idea!" Hibari replied, while weaving her way onto the Kan-Etsu expressway.
"Pardon!?"
Akane felt the taller girl shrug. "Licences are just a bit of legal paper. Never really bothered trying to get one."
Hibari felt Akane's grip tighten to a vice-like force, and began to find it difficult to breath (let lone steer.)
"You don't have a licence!?"
"I-I know how to drive," Hibari replied, gasping a bit. "Relax."
Akane's grip loosened slightly, but remained impressive. The raven haired girl stayed quiet for a while, trying to lose herself in the experience. She had always liked when her father would rent a car to take the family on vacation. This felt a little scarier, exposed as she was, but also more exciting for the risk factor.
"Wait a second. This is a toll road. Don't they check for licences?" Akane asked.
"Don't worry. My dad knows some of the guys who run this. I get a free pass," Hibari replied. "It's not too long either. We just need to get a little past the Musashino Line, and then we're off the highway for like... 10 minutes at the most."
Sneaking past the Chardin family servants had been fun, in Akane's humble opinion. Noticing how blasé Hibari seemed about this Akane had to wonder how normal a thing this was for the blonde. And found herself hoping that she could have more adventures if she hung out with Ran and Hibari more.
They at last reached the door to Ran's room, and found the petite girl looking a bit thinner. Despite that Ran seemed as filled with energy as Akane remembered, eyes sparkling brightly
"Hibari! It's good to see you. I was worried when you didn't come by yesterday," the redhead said, almost overflowing with words. "Oh! You brought Akane. Hey there."
"Hello," Akane replied, feeling slightly worried that Ran seemed almost disappointed she was there. "I-I tried to find some information that might help you, though all I could manage was a name. 'Parlay du foie gras'. Apparently, whatever it is, the technique lets someone with a normal mouth defeat folks like the Chardins."
"Well, that's a start. Thanks Akane," Ran replied, smiling warmly and helping Akane to feel welcome.
"I remember Tsugumi saying something about foie gras one time... I think she didn't like it because they mistreat the ducks... or was it geese," Hibari said, half mumbling as she tried to remember the facts.
"Tsugumi?" Akane asked.
"Her big sis," Ran explained. "Knows loads about cookin'."
Akane nodded. That was standard eldest sister knowledge, wasn't it?
"I'll try askin' the Chardin's about it," Ran said. "Hibari, you can try askin' Tsugumi. And, Akane, thanks again for helpin' out like this. Ya don't have ta."
"Don't be silly. My sisters and I owe you big time. And... well, I can't hang out and make friends with you two if one of you is locked away in here," Akane told the shorter girl confidently.
"There is one thing I want to ask," Hibari said. "I've been looking through the rules of Martial Arts Dining, and apparently it's points based? Which means they need a judge... Any idea who'll be judging?"
Ran shrugged. "I got the impression it would be that St. Paul lady."
"Really? That hardly seems fair," Hibari replied, growing a bit lost in thought.
Ryoga was leaning against a tree, enjoying the cool morning air as he vented over his worries.
"So you see, the girl I fell for ended up really being a boy. I don't know what to do. My heart continues to thump nervously whenever I think about Hibari, but... Ugh, should I just accept being gay?"
"Mmmroooooo?"
Ryoga nodded. This cow was the best conversation partner he'd found in weeks, he was sure of it. "Mhm, that's a good point. If I only date Hibari while he's in girl mode... it's barely gay. It might even be a way out of all this."
"Mmrooo."
"Thanks. It was good talking to you. I, er... I really hope this is a dairy farm," Ryoga replied, his smile vanishing for a bit. "Well, I have to get going, but I hope to see you around."
Ryoga stood up and patted some dust off his pants. He then looked around to study the countryside and try to get his bearings. Those rolling hills with all the pines... and the snow still on the mountains in the distance... Had to be frigid Shikoku.
"Hmm, if I remember correctly, Tokyo is about 700 km west of here," he announced, before turning due south and heading off.
By some miracle he was actually headed in the right direction for once. (But who knew how long that would last?)