Chapter 12
After gasping for breath in her car, tears running down her face for some time Arizona knew she had to pull herself together. She focused on what Natasha had told her, the steps for regaining control, finally getting her panic under control enough to drive home texting Amelia to meet her there with Sofia. Getting home before the duo she ran to the bathroom making sure to wipe away any trace of her earlier attack finishing she as she heard Sofia running into the lounge.
"Hey goose, how was Zola?" Arizona asked a fixed smile on her face. After lots of play Sofia was finally in bed, in the lounge Amelia was waiting,
"So, what did Callie want?" she asked, she'd been desperate to know all day, but had sensed the topic wasn't suitable for young ears so had held off asking.
"She wants to move to New York with Penny and take Sofia with her" Arizona felt the panic build again, "She wants to take my daughter away" she sobbed. Amelia hugged her tightly, rocking her slightly as Arizona cried hysterically. Amelia could hear words like biological, custody, and Penny through the sobs. The front door opened, Deluca entered, on seeing Arizona sobbing through a panic attack he excused himself quickly to his room. He wasn't stupid over the last 2 weeks he had heard his roommate screaming in her sleep, seen the bruises, and the way she tried to avoid being alone with him. He knew she'd been attacked but respected her enough to give her privacy after all she had supportive towards him so far.
Arizona finally stopped crying, Amelia handed her a box of tissues,
"Thank you" Arizona said embarrassed,
"Don't worry about it, what are you going to do?" Amelia asked sympathetically, "Are you going to fight it?"
"I have to because if I don't, I may never see my daughter again" Arizona said sadly. "I'm going to call a lawyer tomorrow" she checked her watch, it was late, and she had a busy day planned tomorrow, therapy in the morning, her appointment with David and now phone calls with a lawyer with a few hours of work in the afternoon, tomorrow was her first official day back.
She woke early screaming as her unconscious mind relived her rape. Sofia was there soothing her, Arizona took her daughters into her arm, hugging her tightly.
"I'm sorry if I woke you goose," Arizona apologised for the third morning in a row.
"It's okay mommy, why are you having bad dreams?" Sofia asked patting her mommy's face,
"I don't know baby, but you make me feel better" Arizona lied, hugging her daughter tightly checking the clock. They had time to go back to sleep before work.
Amelia offered to drop Sofia at school that morning as it was on the way to Grey Sloan but not for Arizona's counselling appointment which she now went to Natasha's office for. Arriving Natasha was waiting,
"Hey Arizona, how was your weekend?" she asked, sensing the unease in her client.
"Callie wants to take Sofia to New York, she didn't even ask, she just assumed I'd be okay with my daughter moving 6,000 miles away. She said I could visit whenever but she knows I can't just get on a plane; I can't just fly for 6 hours. She is my daughter, mine" Arizona began sobbing again her heart breaking as she thought about Sofia living so far away.
"Arizona control your breathing" Natasha urged as her client dissolved into a panic attack, watching as her hand mimed stabbing her false leg in the panic. She carefully coached her out of it.
"Oh God can she use this, if we go to court, will she know what we discussed, she'll know everything" Arizona panicked, standing up ready to run,
"Not in family court, not unless I think you are a risk to Sofia, or yourself and I don't" Natasha reassured, watching her client relax. They spent the rest of the session discussing coping strategies for her anxiety Arizona declining medication, she had tried that after her plane crash but didn't like how sluggish it made her feel, instead trying CBT and EMDR. Natasha hated using labels but had shared Arizona had complex PTSD and anxiety, not just from the recent events but likely stemming as far back as the car crash or even Tim dying.
Arizona left the session feeling both draining and hopeful, Natasha seemed confident even with the latest setback that she could get her life back. That she wasn't as broken as she felt. She searched for local lawyers finding the best one quickly calling and making an appointment for later that day. She needed to find out her rights and quickly.
Making it to the lawyer Lucinda Gamble just in time she laid out the details of her case, telling her lawyer everything, from the car crash to the affair, to her miscarriage to Graham. She knew she needed to be honest with her lawyer and once she had started talking she had found it hard to stop. Lucinda was an easy person to talk to.
"So do you think we have a case, do you think I can keep my daughter?" Arizona asked once she had finished, her lawyer had sat there clarifying points and jotting lots of notes.
"I think we have a case. Now it will be tight, Callie has the more stable relationship, you have the more stable village, Sofia is settled here, doing well in school. That will work in our favour. Does Callie know about the PTSD or most recent events?" Lucinda asked Arizona shook her head no,
"Okay that works in our favour, make sure she doesn't find out, any mental health diagnosis will go against us in court." Lucinda advised. Arizona nodded it made sense she could hide it.
"Great so first we will serve an injunction, it means Callie can't take Sofia out of state without court permission, then file for sole custody. It's likely she will counter sue so be ready, I advise you communicate via texts and e-mails for now, it's easier to prove what is said in court later. Don't lose your temper, keep calm, and start writing a list of people that can testify that you are a good mom" Lucinda instructed. Arizona nodded, their appointment over she made her way to Grey Sloan her perky mask firmly in place.
Moving every 12-18 months had made sure Arizona had grown thick skin and a thicker mask, only a few people alive or dead had ever seen her without her mask or even with cracks, she listed them in her head,
Mom, and dad, alive
Tim, dead
Nick, dead
Joanne, alive?
Callie, alive
Mark, dead
Meredith, alive
Cristina, alive
Derick, dead
Miranda, alive
Amelia, alive
Natasha, alive
Not even 10 people living could say they had seen the true her. Mask firmly in place Arizona entered the hospital. Bailey had been waiting and walked her to her office.
"Your consults," she gestured as the file of folders "we booked the OR from 1330, I have a free afternoon so have decided to scrub in" Miranda told her, "It's something I have been doing to support my surgeons, I did Neuro Wednesday, Peds Thursday and Ortho Friday, today is Maternal fetal, but as you are only working a half day I may have to observe tomorrow too" Miranda told her. Arizona nodded her thanks. She knew Bailey was only watching surgeons operate so she had an excuse to be in the OR with her without people getting suspicious and appreciated her support.
"I've put Doctor Warren and Deluca on your service," Bailey informed her, they were 2 great residents that would make her life easier.
After checking her consults Arizona went on rounds, only 3 patients all very simple surgeries as far as fetal medicine went, Amniotic Bands Release on a 24 weeker, a Fetal Blood Sampling on a 27 weeker and a Cord Ligation on a 20 weeker. All the mothers were happy to proceed, Arizona decided Ben would join her for surgery one, while Andrew prepped patient 2, which he'd then observe while Ben prepped patient 3 which they both could observe.
Arriving at the OR the patient was already prepped Ben had done the local anaesthetic and was scrubbed, Bailey was also scrubbed ready. She took a breath washing her hands, Bokhee was there too as Arizona was gowned and gloved. Bokhee passed her the scalpel, for a moment her hands trembled. As she flashed back to the last time she had operated. She took a calming breath remembering what Natasha had said, calming mechanisms, her hand steadied with her breathing as she began operating.
3 surgeries later and Arizona felt a lot more confident, there was a reason she completed a fellowship in 4 months, because she was talented, and he didn't get to take that away. She finished her charts before heading towards day care it wasn't her night with Sofia but that didn't mean she didn't get to see her. She was greeted with a flying hug that almost knocked her off her feet, gasping as her broken ribs jarred, she forced a smile onto her face hoping Sofia hadn't noticed.
"Mommy, you got to come and join our tea party" Sofia insisted taking her hand and pulling her to the table where Zola waited, wearing a princess crown, Sofia had a tiara in her hair, and gave Arizona a matching one. After 45 minutes Sofia jumped up, "Mamma" she hugged her just as tightly,
"Hey Mija, go grab your stuff its home time" Callie instructed, "Arizona can we speak outside?" she asked, Arizona nodded following Callie out of day care and down the corridor slightly out of earshot of their daughter.
"Seriously, you are suing me for custody?" Callie questioned, Arizona stood her ground, not flinching at her ex-wife's anger.
"I won't let you take my daughter away"
"We can't talk about it, compromise?" Callie asked her eyes sad, Arizona avoided looking at them fixing on a crack in the wall behind her, now Callie wanted to talk, it was too little to late.
"No, I would have but you started looking a schools, looking at apartments. It didn't even cross your mind to consult me before, didn't even cross your mind to think I might object to my daughter moving cross country without me, so no Callie there is no compromise, what would we do? Have Sofia fly cross country twice a week? If you can think of one contact my lawyer, we will discuss it" Arizona spat, before walking away head held high. She may have not been able to fight Graham but she could fight Callie.
Arriving home, she got out bread, making toast, taking a few bites before feeling nauseous, chucking the rest. Sighing she reached into her bag. Natasha had suggested she go to a help group, it was her 'homework' to at least consider it, Arizona flicked the pamphlets, rape support, amputation support, PTSD groups, divorcees groups, single mom support groups, even grief support groups. She sighed, not having a clue which one to go to first, which one was her biggest obstacle.
Getting her car she could feel her anxiety building, feel the panic bubbling in her chest, she parked her car at the school where all the groups seemed to meet. She walked past self-harmers support and gamblers anonymous, the signs of the frosted door making it obvious which was which, she walked past the single mom group and the divorcee group, then past eating disorders and alcoholics anonymous to find amputation support which ironically was opposite rape survivor's support. Arizona turned left, entering the room finding several sets of eyes on her. Women of all ages sat around in a circle several empty seats were free.
"Hey, is this survivors support?" she asked unable to say the r word, they nodded. One older lady in her 60's with greying hair came over,
"Have a seat, we were just about to start, my name is Megan" she greeted.
"Arizona" Arizona replied sitting between a teenager and a woman in her 30's.
"Nice to meet you Arizona," Megan said, "Okay so I want to make it clear as I do with every meeting, this is a safe place, everything said here should stay here. We respect people's right to tell their story, we listen, we don't interrupt, we are survivors." She clapped her hands together, "So I will tell my story, I grew up with an uncle, he used to visit me every night, I thought it was my fault, I thought I was dirty. I never told anyone for years, I kept his secret until he died. I thought I'd feel free, but I still felt dirty, I started getting panic attacks, self-harming. I didn't tell anyone not even my husband, but the funeral was a real trigger. Everyone stood there saying nice things, saying he was a hero. I told them the truth. Then my cousins stood up said he did the same to them. It was enough to drive me to counselling, and to this support group. Here I learnt from survivors, that it wasn't my fault my cousin was raped after me, he chose to do that not me, that I didn't have to report it, that I'm not dirty I am a survivor." Megan finished; the group clapped. "Would anyone else like to share their story, struggles or success this week?"
A few more women spoke up, one spoke about her struggle her attacker's trial was coming up and she was panicking about giving evidence. Some of the group gave her tips and tricks to help her overcome her anxiety, Arizona listening intently soon she'd be at court both with the custody case and with testifying against Graham. Some of the girls offered to go the courthouse with her holding her hand. Another spoke about her success going for a run in the park alone, in the dusk. Arizona said nothing during the meeting, while not normally withdrawn Arizona said nothing, still not ready to share as the meeting ended.
"We have tea's coffee, and cakes provided by Deborah if anyone wants to stay late." Megan offered. Arizona got up, torn between staying and making a hasty exit.
A woman came over, she was in her 40's with black hair tied up in a bun,
"it's a lot your first time, lots of emotions" she commented, Arizona nodded,
"Yeah" she agreed,
"It gets better, the first time is hard, the second time is a little easier. I'm Helen by the way"
"Arizona,"
"Nice to see you here Arizona" Helen said her easy manner making Arizona relax slightly. "We meet every Monday, Wednesday, Friday and Saturday mornings, some sessions are busier than others, but we are here if you want to share or sit and listen"
Arizona smiled, they all seemed so supportive, they seemed to understand what she was thinking, she needed that.
"Thank you" she got up leaving feeling lighter, outside someone bumped into her sending her flying, before she could hit the floor someone grabbed her arm.
"Sorry" he said, catching her arm, her breath hitched, "Arizona, what are you doing here?"
"Richard" Arizona said in surprise watching as his eyes trailed from her to the writing on the door she had just exited. Reading it he looked back sympathy in his eyes.
"Don't" Arizona held her hand up not wanting to hear any sympathies but wishing desperately she'd chosen PTSD or amputation to start with "What are you doing here?"
"Alcoholics anonymous, but I came down here for the bathroom" he pointed at the door next to the rape survivor's door. "Hey, do you fancy getting a drink, non-alcoholic for me, there is a great place just down the road I go too, sometimes I need to go somewhere clear my head before going home" he offered. Arizona considered his offer.
"Okay" she said, surprising herself.
"Great" Richard gestured to the toilet, "Wait here" he was back in 3 minutes, Arizona had moved up the corridor and was leaning against the wall.
"Are you ready?" he asked, Arizona nodded, "Follow me" he offered as they got to the car park. He got in the car driving for 2 minutes to a local bar. Inside Richard ordered a diet coke, Arizona a white wine. They sat at a table,
"They do trivia here every night, I come after AA when I'm struggling" he said, "I love trivia, it gets the mind thinking" he got out his pen and paper. "Any ideas for a team name?" he asked,
"Grey minds" Arizona suggested, Richard nodded writing it on top of their quiz form.
"I hope your good at sports, that's where I struggle, that and modern pop references" he said,
"You're not going to ask?" Arizona questioned, she had started preparing her story since bumping into him, he shook his head no.
"If you want to tell me I'm here," he offered, "I'm guessing Bailey knows, that's why she has been hovering in everyone's OR," Arizona nodded, "And my wife? She has asked after you whether your back at work twice in the last week" Arizona nodded again, "Okay" he said putting on his glasses.
"You won't tell anyone, what you saw?" She begged, "Only Miranda, Amelia and Katherine know"
"I won't tell anyone" He promised, "I'm glad Amelia knows she often joins me for trivia"
Arizona knew Amelia had her own crosses to bear,
"Okay is everyone ready for tonight's mind-boggling trivia" the host said. Both doctors focused they didn't get to the top of their field by not being competitive.
"Second place, not bad Robbins, it's on every night if you wanted to come again" Richard offered. Arizona smiled patting his arm.
"Thank you, I really appreciate this" she said sincerely it was nice to spend time not thinking about Callie, or work, or the attack. It was nice to spend time being normal and focusing on trivia after the support group helped her mind settled, she guessed that's why Richard came too.
Over the next few weeks Arizona got into a rhythm, with Sofia at Callie's she woke early, normally screaming covered in sweat. Sometimes Amelia would be there most the time she was alone, after showering she'd head to work, it might be early but often she found that's when she got the most work done. If the coffee cart was open, she would stop for a doughnut or coffee if not she would start the rounding. Normally she was rounding alone, speaking only to the night nurses for each floor leaving orders for her residents for when they arrived before retreating to the safety of her office unless she was paged for an emergency. Which happened a lot the night interns preferring to page an attending they knew was awake rather than waking one who was sleeping. The problem was they paged her for nearly every speciality, Gynae, Peds, Fetal as well as General sometimes, and while she didn't mind the distraction from her dreams, it did mean they started asking for her even when she wasn't on call.
At 0800 if she wasn't in the OR she rounded again with her residents, then 0900 began her scheduled surgeries unless called to an emergency. 1300 signalled the end of morning surgeries, normally Miranda, Amelia or Richard would come to her office bringing lunch, Arizona finding herself unable to brave the cafeteria and all the gossip that entailed. Then after rounding again on her post ops and prepping the pre ops Arizona would return to the OR scrubbing out at 1600 in order to go to day care as Sofia arrived after school. She'd spend an hour with her daughter going over homework or playing with toys, Zola and Bailey often joining in before excusing herself to return to work.
She actively avoided Callie at work, avoided seeing her, speaking to her, everything, no matter how much it broke her heart. Callie was the enemy, Callie wanted to take her daughter. No matter how much she loved Callie she couldn't act on it, because Callie didn't love her, Callie couldn't love her because she was going to take the most important thing in her life away from her. That didn't stop Callie from trying to approach her, from coming into the NICU, or OR, to waiting outside her office for her. Each time Arizona batted her away.
"Unless Sofia is staying in Seattle then talk to my lawyer" she'd tell Callie determined not to let her close. If she stood any chance of winning Sofia back she had to stay strong, keep Callie away, make sure she didn't suspected anything that had happened. If she opened up just slightly to Callie, she would end up telling her everything and that couldn't happen, if she opened up to Callie she would lose her daughter, if she lost her daughter she would lose everything. No Arizona said to herself for the thousandth time, Callie couldn't know, she had to keep her away, she had to make sure Callie knew nothing.
At 1900 she packed up for the day, often going to the support groups, she'd been to the amputation group as well as the PTSD group finding them all supportive, not that she had spoken at any of them. Instead, she had listened and learnt, the amputation group had a theme, the session Arizona went to was swimming, which pools were accessible, which legs worked best, which swimming teachers to use. The next one was on running, after that rock climbing. The PTSD group was discussing triggers, how to avoid them and how to cope once triggered. After was trivia with Richard and sometimes Amelia. If they weren't free, she'd return to work until 10, 11pm making sure she was so exhausted she could sleep for a few hours.
Then there were Sofia days, the day's she got to go to day care and pick up her beautiful daughter and bring her home, she'd start the same way but at 1700 she would finish, picking up her daughter from day care and taking her home.
She'd make something to eat, taking the time to stop at the store and pick up food so Sofia would have something healthy. They'd play games, read, and watch films, before Sofia's bath then bedtime. Sometimes she'd be called in leaving Sofia with Amelia or Andrew if they were home, if not calling Callie. As the only fetal surgeon in Seattle if there was an emergency there was nobody else to call, not that that lessened the guilt. She went to counselling still twice a week, on Mondays and Thursday's normally often having to get Amelia or Callie to drop Sofia off at school to make her appointment.
April had come back into her life, finding it within herself to forgive Arizona. She could see her friend falling apart at the custody case not knowing there was a lot more to it. She could also see how much weight she had lost and was honestly concerned about Arizona's health. Callie had found April and practically begged her to become Arizona's friend again. While April was the one who had to forgive Arizona it was Callie who had facilitated that without Arizona knowing. After all, if she was leaving with Sofia Arizona needed people around her and Callie had no doubt she would win the court case, Sofia was biologically hers and she was in a stable relationship.
This isn't a Calle bashing fic, hopefully its not coming across as such. I'm a bit worried about some of the reviews, Arizona is my favourite charecter Callie is my second favourite. They just have just an interesting dynamic. Callie is trying to talk to Arizona who is taking the advice of her lawyer and not talking. Both are being stubborn.