Now
Shit happens.
It should have definitely been a motto of his life by now.
Shit happens.
And it tended to happen over and over and over again, and Number Five couldn't help but wonder how the fuck was he still alive and going. But hey, here he was still alive, still fucked up, still living an unhappy life.
Shit happens.
You know, the kind of shit you couldn't avoid even if you would really really want to. Like time traveling to a wasteland and getting stuck for almost forty-five years, joining the worse organization hell bend on ending the world that makes a murderer out of you, coming back to your family in your thirteen-year-old body, trying and failing to stop the apocalypse and save the woman you fell in love with, going back in time to fix it and somewhat live a happy life before you remember all your past errors and realize hey, the woman who you fell in love with is stuck here with you as a ghost.
So you know. Shit happens.
Fuck.
Five stopped writing for a moment and brushed his eyes trying to organize his thoughts as he was once again ruining the walls of his childhood bedroom with equations and formulas that would somehow work.
Whenever he got like this as a kid, like he thought the numbers were running around in front of his eyes, he would ask Vanya nicely to play something for him. The music would act as white noise in the back of his mind and help him focus better.
Licking his lips, he turned around and looked at his door which led to their hallway and would eventually lead him to Vanya's room.
He could ask her, and he was sure she would do it for him, yet he didn't.
Turning back to the walls he tried to pick up where he left off and continue.
It wasn't good. Ever since they saved Ben everything felt different. He was grateful they did really. The thought of Ben being stuck for seventeen years like a ghost with only Klaus who was in an out of sobriety to talk to was truly horrifying on so many levels, and not just because Klaus was Klaus. So he was glad, grateful even that this time around Ben was alive, and would get to live his life and grow up and move on and maybe have a shot at happiness which was taken from him all too soon.
But…
His hand stopped moving again, and Five crushed the pen between his fingers.
But…
His hand lowered to his side as he recalled those few moments, he got to spend with her.
'How are you here? How are you in 2006? You should...you shouldn't even exist if I changed it, or did I not?'
'At least you won't be alone now.'
'I never wanted this for you. I wanted you to be happy with me.'
'I was, and I will be.'
He felt his stomach sank again and something caught in his throat as he recalled how they pressed their foreheads against each other but didn't feel anything.
He looked at his walls again. Over the course of the last week, he skipped through his recovery and tried to work on his equations to figure out a way to return to 2019 before Vanya killed herself. Even if it wasn't perfect, he managed to figure out equations that would bring him close enough to the year expect he wasn't sure if the timeline he was choosing was correct. Traveling through time was challenging and risky already, but to try to do it through different timelines? There was no telling if it was even possible or what the hell he could unleash if he miscalculated not to mention there were two big reasons pushing him back.
Vanya was here. Vanya, who maybe not the one he didn't save and who was now stuck as a ghost here with them having to act only as an observer or talk to Klaus, but she was still Vanya who he spent four more years growing up than the original one. Vanya, who maybe wasn't the woman he fell in love in the eight days before the apocalypse, but she was still the girl his boyish mind that didn't use to have memories of his past was slowly falling in love with. The past Vanya might have seen those moments, but if he changed her fate and save her, she wouldn't be a ghost and therefore those moments, those gentle moments, which he got as a gift he never would have hope for, a gift to have a few more years of childhood and growing up with Vanya, would be gone remaining only his memory. Not to mention, he couldn't and wouldn't leave her alone her. He refused to fix it by leaving any version of Vanya in any timeline or time alone without him or at least some version of him.
That was why he was trying to also figure out a way to pull his previous self, which he sent into the wasteland when he purposely screwed up his equations. He still wasn't sure what it meant for him and how he ended up in the wrong time in the apocalypse. Was it a lope? Every time he decided to time travel his previous version showed up and messed with the equations?
Fuck
He was getting a headache just thinking about the endless possibilities.
There was also the second big reason which made it hard for him to properly work.
Ben
Ben was alive here. He survived, and if Five really time traveled again to his timeline Ben would still be dead. He couldn't do that to him. He couldn't do that to him or himself or his Vanya. He couldn't switch her life for Ben's.
He had to think. He had to figure out a way to fix it all and leave everyone happy and most importantly alive. He was already skeptical about it all. It felt like too much honestly. How? Even with Commission, and Fixer, hell even with dad and his powers and the whole Umbrella Academy how the hell was he supposed to achieve all that?
He glanced at his equations filled with flaws and little errors that could once again lead to a catastrophe before he tossed the pen on the bed and jumped out of his room to Klaus's.
His brother jumped a bit backward with the flask almost falling from his hand.
'Give me that!' snapped Five and grabbed him taking a sip. The hot liquid burnt his throat that once again wasn't used to the taste even if his mind recognized it instantly given how much he used to drink before.
'Hey, rude, ever heard of please?' asked Klaus and tried to take it from him, but Five tossed it out of the window.
'Five!'
'Is she here?' he asked Klaus ignoring his complaints about the alcohol, 'The woman, petite, brunette, Vanya's height?'
Klaus looked away from the window blinking, 'How do you-? Oh right,' his face showed realization, 'Diego mentioned you were really dead for a few moments. Well, good to see you alive and not as some ghostly pain in the ass-'
'Focus, Klaus, the woman?'
'Meine Geisterfrau,' he mumbled and sighed.
Five nodded.
His ghost lady
Klaus mentioned her before they went on a mission with Ben, and she said she went back with Five to 1993, so she was around and developed some relationship with him since he was the only one who could talk to her.
'She said…her name is Esther or whatever, but I didn't buy it,' said Klaus and shrugged his shoulders, 'Look, man, I don't know how she knew about Ben and what would happen. She's not exactly great to talk to right now.'
He frowned at that worried, 'Why? What's wrong?'
Klaus sighed, 'Sometimes, when ghosts are around for too long, like decades they start to lose it. I guess if you pass up your opportunity to get to the light you become confused and upset and well…turn into mindless screamers like most of them.'
Five's heart speeded up upon hearing that.
No
'So she has gonna mad?' he asked hoping his voice didn't reveal the terrible heartache he felt at that moment imaging something so horrible to happen to Vanya after everything she has been through she didn't deserve this. She didn't deserve any of the horrible things that happened to her this least of all.
'Well, it's not like total insanity more like she has dementia,' said Klaus and sighed, 'You know good days when she talks to me and is helpful and acts like a normal person who is alive, and bad days when she disappears mumbles to herself or sits somewhere just all sad and depressed all ghostly like.'
Five had to look away to hide his emotions upon hearing all Vanya had to go through while he was living his happy second chance with this version Vanya in their little bubble. How could she say she made peace with that? How? He would never. Even if he knew logically it would be a different version of him, but still him, he would still be jealous and greedy and want to switch places willing to kill his other self just to be with her. With his Vanya, with the woman, he fell in love with first and-
He shook his head focusing on why he came to Klaus's room in the first place, 'I need to talk to her.'
Klaus blinked and looked for a moment somewhere behind him, 'Uh, she left.'
Five almost smirked reading through his brother and his Vanya, 'She told you to tell me that?''
'No, what?' he asked with a lazy smile, 'Don't be silly.' Adult Klaus was a pretty damn good liar if Five might say so himself, but teenager Klaus still had a lot to learn.
'Remember when you pissed me off by stealing all my socks and burying them into the backyard?'
His brother seemed to weight his options for a few moments before he said, 'She's right behind you.' He remembered all too well how vengeful Five could be if someone really pissed him off.
Five turned around and Klaus made an offended sound, 'Well, excuse me, but he scares me more.'
'Good, I should scare you more than anyone,' said Five but tried to look to the direction Klaus was talking to show Vanya lying wouldn't help, and he wouldn't drop this.
'I'm going to need you to focus more and make her visible,' he said, and Klaus let out a chuckle, 'Right.'
Five shot him a look, 'I'm not kidding.'
Klaus watched him for a few moments before he chuckled again, 'Well, then you lost your marvels. I can't do that. You know I can't. If I could I would get dad off my back ages ago.'
Five crossed his arms and offered him one of his creepy smirks imagining it had just the effect he needed on this younger version of Klaus, 'And I think you just haven't been motivated enough so far.'
He watched as Klaus actually shivered upon seeing it, 'You're one scary dude, you know that, dearest brother.'
'Yup. Now come on, I have an idea.'
Causing Klaus to throw up and drink fluids to somewhat flush the last bits of drugs and alcohol out was a painfully slow process not to mention pretty annoying as he often begged and tried to bargain with him. Five never had much patience with his siblings, and now that he was back at least in mind, memories, and experience he couldn't help but feel just how much older he was compared to them. He was so old. Even before he was an old man but now, he was close to sixty-two and counting. There were decades between them and compare to him they were all children, young and innocent and not yet corrupted or broken completely by their upraising here, by his absence, by Ben's death. Could they grow up to be happier and better people? If he stayed could he save no only Vanya but all of them? Fix them? But he was so old. How could this go on? How many more times could he cheat death and go on until he was finally allowed peace of mind and happiness?
Sighing, he watched as Klaus silently fake cried while cuffed to his bed. It was all Klaus's fault, if he didn't try to get to his secret stash and almost ruin Five's hard work and force him to start over, Five wouldn't have to be so brutal.
'You changed, brother,' mumbled the sixteen-year-old boy, and Five's frown melted a bit. They notice. All of them. He was sure of it. At first, he thought maybe it was the fact that he tried to keep a distance between him and Vanya until he sorted out his feelings and what he wanted to do next, but when Ben apologized to him a few days ago and Five dismissed it, he caught his brother looking at him strangely. He was also sure he heard Luther and Allison talk about how much meaner he looked all of the sudden. Grace asked him if he was upset or if something was wrong almost every time, she saw him. Of course, Vanya tried to talk to him numerous times, but so far he managed to brush her off claiming he had too much work that broke his heart and made him want to punch himself.
He hated how often he promised her he would never let anyone hurt her, and yet now he was the main culprit behind her pain.
'You ready to try it again?' asked Five ignoring the comment from before. Did he frown more often than before? Talked less? Look more like a man on a mission. Did his eyes reveal all the years of pain he has been through? Did that make him a stranger among his siblings even more than he was before? He couldn't tell, and he feared he was too far gone to ever return to the boy they knew as their brother.
You don't belong here.
Klaus sighed deeply and shifted a bit to sit better on the bed. His eyes closed, and he took in a deep breath frowning in seeming concentration. He still had doubts that it would work. Five did too. In 2019 it was the first time Klaus seemingly managed to make someone appear.
Ben
Maybe he needed more time to learn and be without drugs for a longer period of time.
He was almost ready to call it quits for today when he saw Klaus's hands lightened in a blue light familiar to his own whenever he used his powers.
'So this is what you do now? Torture everyone you claim you care for and for what?' he heard a female voice behind him and spun around only to find Vanya, adult Vanya, appear in glowing blue light in the room.
He couldn't help but smile as he heard Klaus let out a happy sound probably as he opened his eyes now to have a look realizing his powers worked.
'Put on the earphones,' he told his brother instantly.
'Seriously?'
'Do it!' he snapped not leaving Klaus with any other option, but to pick up the earphones he left him on the bed prepared and put them on while cursing at Five silently.
Vanya looked behind him at Klaus and then back at Five, 'What are you doing?'
'I wanted to talk to you again-'
'By torturing Klaus? Not interested,' she said her face and voice revealing just how upset he was with him at that moment. He still couldn't help but feel ridiculously happy about it, nevertheless.
Everything inside him warmed up with the sight of her even if she was a glowing ghost he couldn't touch. He was just glad she was there even if he knew it was selfish, and it would be a million times better for her to be somewhere else. In the light as Klaus put it.
'Helping him sober up is hardly torture. In fact, I could easily say it's my way of showing love for my brother,' he said cheekily watching the tiniest smile pulling its way over her face before she pushed it down.
'I want you to stop. With the equations with planning. I know what you want to do, and I'm telling you right now I don't want it. This…this isn't right, Five. You came here to save me, to stop the future from happening and you did or you're doing that right now-'
'But I didn't!' he snapped and glanced at Klaus to see if he heard but the boy continued to watch his nail and ruining the paint on them.
'I didn't save you. You're here, dead. That is the definition of not saving you. I thought-I didn't think you would be here, a ghost, stuck, but you are which means I messed up, and I need to fix it. I need to go back and safe you-stop you,' he tried to explain but could see Vanya didn't agree with him her face still looking so defiant.
'No, I don't want you to. I…what I did is done. You came here, you changed the future already by that. I will move on. I didn't want to because you didn't remember about the apocalypse and Ben, but now both of those things are solved. You can help others. Luther, Diego, Allison, Klaus. You remember what went wrong with their lives, and you can help them be better. I am useless here. I will just wait until the light appears again and go.'
He shook his head and took a step closer knowing he wouldn't be able to talk to her, 'But you still died in the past timeline, Vanya. I can't…I can't stop thinking about it.'
'Yes, I died, but I'm here. I'm right outside those doors in my room wondering what the hell is wrong with the boy I love and why is he chasing me away,' she told him with a frown, and he tried not to feel absolutely guilty and like an asshole for knowing the other Vanya really was hurting like that because of how he was avoiding her.
'She's not you-'
'She is! You just- I don't know-you just won't allow yourself to see it. Do you remember how happy you were? A week ago? Before all this…just me and you, weren't we happy?' she asked with a plea behind her eyes, but he couldn't give her what she wanted.
'But it wasn't you and it wasn't me. It's versions of us. A pair of sixteen-year-old who had each other for 4 more years than we did. A girl and a boy. Not you and me. Not us,' he argued again, and Vanya shook her head desperately, 'When you kiss her, doesn't it feel the same?'
Five pressed his lips into a tight line.
Vanya gestured at him, 'It does. I know it does. When you talk to her, doesn't she sound like me? Talk like me? Think like me? She is me. The only difference is that she hasn't spent seventeen years in agony waiting for the boy she loved more than anyone in this world. The difference is that she didn't spend eight days with that boy terrified if the world would really end if her powers would be used against them again if she would really get a second chance. That's literally the only difference.'
'What if that's the difference that matters?' asked Five looking into her eyes that were now shinning in the blue glow as the rest of her. That was the problem, wasn't it? The difference in the memories Vanya didn't experience. That was what pushed them apart.
Vanya's hand fell to her side before she took a step closer. She looked so sad and small Five wanted to reach out and touch her knowing he wouldn't be able.
'I'm going to the light, Five,' she said her voice firm and steady nothing like the weak soft-spoken one she had when he came back to 2019. Her eyes held his. He could see that she cared about him. He could see that she still loved him. But he could also see that she was hurt and upset about his actions. It was torture to know he was hurting two versions of Vanya now. Gosh, he was such an asshole sometimes.
'And if you really love me as you tell me so often, you will…you will stay here and have the happiest life with me imaginable,' she stepped closer and reached out trying to touch his cheek but neither of them feeling anything, 'And you won't allow anything to ruin that happiness, not even yourself.'
Her hand fell to her side again her eyes lost the firmness and revealed their vulnerability once again, 'Please Five, promise me.'
He looked down at her noting just how short she was. The exact same height she was now. He would grow a bit taller, but the younger Vanya would remain like this the same. Same height, same body, same mind, same everything, and yet something was different.
'I can't do that, Vanya. I'm sorry.'
Her eyes closed as she offered him the most tragic smile he ever saw much more pained than the one she showed him in the vault when they talked about running away to a cabin in the woods, 'It's my own fault.'
He blinked.
'I shouldn't have fallen in love with a boy who still believes he's lost in time.'
Just like that Vanya suddenly disappeared leaving Five to helpless look around before he turned to Klaus and jumped over to him, 'What happened?'
He asked as he tore away his earphones before tossing them aside.
'Watch it!'
'Where did she go?' he urged his brother who looked around, 'No idea. She just left.'
'To the light?' asked Five, but Klaus shrugged his shoulders, 'I never saw the light. I only know because ghosts tell me about it. But I think she just wanted to leave the room cause she was done talking.'
Five nodded absently and set the earphones aside, 'Did you hear what we were talking about?'
Klaus quickly shook his head, but he did look like he wanted to say something before he asked, 'Who is she?'
Five was quiet. He didn't want to have to explain all of it to Klaus of all the people.
His brother however continued, 'I once asked her if she was one of our moms since she was always around. I used to think maybe she was my mom because she protected me from the mean ghosts who wouldn't shut up and scared me. She said she wasn't though.'
Five didn't say anything to that knowing that of course Vanya would stick around and make sure they were okay. How could she not? How could she not when it was exactly a thing like that why he fell in love with her in the first place?
'She's not.'
'Who is she?' asked Klaus, and before Five could stop himself he replied, 'A reminder of my greatest failure.'
When Five opened the door from Klaus's room, he stopped in track as he found Vanya behind it looking at him, 'Can we talk? Please?'
He watched her face, her beautiful and perfect you face and wished more than anything that he could ease the worry between the wrinkles on her forehead. He really wished he could make her happy. Unconditionally and without a single doubt happy. The way he did before he got his memories back before he saw Vanya again.
He nodded and motioned for her to come to his room. It was weird, to say the least. A week ago, he spent almost every waking moment with her and most of his nights as well. He loved her. God, he loved her so stupidly much, it was hard to see her like this nervous and worried. He wanted to comfort her. He wanted to reach out, touch her and kiss her, and do everything he did a week ago without any guilt or doubts that this wasn't right. That he didn't deserve this. Not when Vanya was dead and stuck here. Not when she couldn't get her happy ending. Not when he was torn with love for her. The woman he came back to and who let him sleep in her bed, and kiss her and loved her and-who somehow he couldn't fully see in this Vanya. Not yet at least. Not completely.
He saw the little things. He saw the same love she had for him, the devotion for her music, the care for their family, siblings. He saw how smart, funny, and wonderful she was making his chest tight and warm with her giggle that sounded the same exactly the same. It was her. It was Vanya, but…at the same time, there was something different. Most of it was due to the memories she didn't have of him even if she knew of some through the dreams or what he told her, but she didn't share the same feelings about them Vanya had, her life even if painful wasn't filled with loneliness and abandonment and isolation Five could relate to. He felt…he couldn't help but feel that this Vanya was still a child, uncorrupted, not weighted down by her past self traumas, and he should grateful and glad for that. That she could have a better life, happier, and he was, god he was but at the same time…he couldn't help the fear to creep into his mind knowing she would never be just as damaged as he was. She would always be better, pure, uncorrupted, and ultimately too good for him.
He closed the door behind them and turned around to look at her. It was the first time they were really alone without him trying to gently push her away claiming he needed to stay focus and work.
He wanted to kiss her. It was an urge somewhere deep down inside him ready to take control and make him reach out. He really wanted to kiss her badly. It wouldn't be the first time, he would do so. Not even close. He kissed the one who was now dead two times and this version more times than he could count. It wasn't like he didn't remember those times but somehow found it like even if at the moment he did press his lips against her never fully put himself into it, never fully appreciate it since his previous amnesia Five didn't know what it was like to lose Vanya, to have her bleed out in his arms after she…after she…shot herself. It was still horrible to think about it, and left the worse taste imaginable inside his mouth when he did.
'Look, I just want to know what did I do,' started Vanya, and Five's felt even more like shit for causing her to ever doubt herself or think that she could be the reason for his madness.
He reached out and put his hands on her shoulders, 'I'm sorry.'
It would be so easy to pull her close and hug her the way he did before, feel her body against his, and know she was alive and okay and forget about anything else. Because why bother with anything else if he had Vanya here alive and happy?
'You did nothing wrong,' assured her Five making sure she would believe him, 'I'm just…with what happened there is a lot on my mind, and I'm sorry for causing you to feel like this or think even for a second this is your fault and you should be worried and stress about it.'
She watched him carefully, the look of struggle and doubt not leaving her pretty face, 'You're lying.'
'I'm not, promise,' he said, and Vanya took his hands pushing them away from her. He would lie to himself if he didn't admit he felt a stab of pain when she did that.
He was such a hypocritical selfish prick, wasn't he?
Vanya looked a bit away, 'You…I don't get it. We…we used to tell each other everything. With the time-traveling, my dreams and powers, the Fixer…,' she glanced somewhere behind him, 'we were a…team.'
Her voice drifted a bit, and she blinked confused.
Five turned around to see what left her speechless like that before his eyes landed on the notebook he got from the air vent.
Shit
He turned back to look at her as her worried face now turned completely heartbroken, 'Oh.'
'It's not what you think,' he said automatically even if at that moment, he didn't have a single clue about what she was thinking, he just wanted her not to look like that.
'I guess I was wrong,' she said her voice growing smaller, the way it used to back when they weren't friends, back when he ignored her like the rest of them, back when she wasn't the most important person in his life. He realized she must have thought he lied to her when he claimed to not know where the notebook was. She thought he was hiding things from her and that he lied to her all this time and kept her out of things the way she was always kept out of missions, training, and the Umbrella Academy. She was a Hargreeves, she was a part of the family but not the academy.
She tried to walk away, but he grabbed her shoulder stopping her in her track. He couldn't let her think that. He couldn't let her think, all of that…all of what they had up until a week ago wasn't real.
'Five, let me-'
'I got my memories back,' he said cutting her off.
She blinked slowly and then turned around to look at him. Her brown eyes scanned his face for a moment before he caught the glimpse of realization behind them and her surprise was once again replaced with a certain sadness.
Gosh, he hated himself so much for causing her to look like this.
'I can see it…,' she said and raised her hand as if to touch his face but stopped a newfound fear and reservation in her face that wasn't there a week ago or even a moment ago before he confessed.
'You – when you first came back you had this look in your eyes like you had been through a lot of things like you were Five but not… not like before when you lost your memories you were back to your old self the Five before you time traveled but with this confusion and anger upon not remembering things,' she looked a bit away, 'Now you have that look again. Like you had been through a lifetime of pain and sorrow, and it changed you. Haunts you.'
He doubted she could have described it better even if she tried.
'Beautifully said,' he commented drily cursing at himself again for acting this way.
She nodded at the bed where the notebook laid, 'How did you find it?'
'I was the one who hid it. I didn't want dad to take it, and I didn't realize I wouldn't even remember where I put it so I hid it into the air vent in your room and forgot,' he said and shook his head at his own stupidity. He hoped next time he would start losing his memories and wits someone would offer him mercy in the form of a bullet to the head.
Vanya looked at him again, 'Why didn't you tell me?'
Five bit the inside of his mouth. He really rather not has to discuss it with her but seeing as she was here, and as she was hurting even more from not knowing, he couldn't hold it in. He could never deny her anything she wanted or needed now even more than ever as he fell completely and helpless in love with her.
'Because I needed to focus and didn't want to worry you more,' he said knowing it sounded stupid which was confirmed by her when Vanya shot him a look.
'I know, it doesn't make sense, but I'm…working,' he said lamely and watched as Vanya glanced at his walls, 'The apocalypse? Or the Commission?'
Five watched her wanting to reach out and brush her hair more than anything at that moment before he shook his head, 'You.'
She blinked and looked at him again, 'What do you mean?'
'I'm-I'm trying to figure out a way to get back to the timeline I changed. The timeline I came from and save you from…from getting shot.'
'From killing myself,' she corrected him, and he shot her a pleading look not to talk about it. It made him feel sick to even think about it. Her saying those words was like a chainsaw to his skin.
Vanya blinked, 'But, I don't understand. You already saved me. We're here and we know about my powers and know things and how and when they will happen and-'
'But this is a different timeline. In this timeline, yes, you are here and alive, but in that one, you're not and I'm…I'm trying to find a way to fix that,' he said and took a step away needing a moment out of her presence so he wouldn't do something stupid like kiss her or lose himself in the brown color of her eyes. Was it the fact that his body was young? Was it the fact that he remembered now everything? All the intense feelings of love and affection he held for her which were ripping him apart every second of every day? He couldn't explain it. He couldn't explain the urge of touching her, talking to her, loving her almost to the point it was suffocating, and yet the purest things imaginable.
She watched him not walking closer but still looking confused, 'But…didn't you jump here to prevent it completely, and you're here so you did or will. I-Five, I don't understand.'
He brushed his face helplessly not sure how to explain it without saying it before he took a deep breath and turned back around to save her. The thing was he wanted to say it. Even if he got his memories back, he didn't forget his previous ones with her up until a week ago. He didn't forget he spent four more years with her and got to know her better and love her longer, and learn to trust her and want to talk and discuss everything with her. It was madness. He didn't use to be like this. Yes, he used to want to talk to her, but when he was dealing with the Commission and apocalypse it was always on the need to know bases. Before he didn't feel this urge to pour his heart and mind open for her feeling like she would understand like he needed to talk to her like he needed to open up to her about all his worries and damn. When did he become so dependent on her in every aspect of his being? He was almost annoyed with himself for being so weak, but the love he felt her somehow allowed him to forgive himself.
'When I time-traveled from 2019 here after you died, I took you with me,' spoke Five.
Vanya opened her mouth to probably say she didn't understand again before he said, 'Your ghost. Klaus's ghost lady.'
Her eyes widened upon hearing that before she looked away trying to comprehend what he was saying, 'G-ghost…so my future-past self's ghost is here?'
'Yes, before you jump-started my heart again, I was dead for a few moments and saw her,' he said and watched as something cross her eyes, 'So now she's here stuck probably not able to go to the light or wherever so in other words, I didn't save her. Not really. I just fucked up again.'
Vanya stayed silent, and he really wished she would say something anything right about now. Why did it feel so much like they were breaking up?
Why did he couldn't help but look at her and feel like she wasn't Vanya even if everything inside him told him she was?
When she chuckled, he was almost startled by how hysterical and sad the sound was nothing like the cheerful noise that caught him off guard every time she did it after he came back to 2019.
'Never would have imagined I would have to compete with myself,' she said in a weak almost defeated voice he hated to hear her use.
'It's not like that,' he said, and she offered him a grimace, 'I know you. Since the moment, you woke up, I felt something…something was off.'
She opened her mouth but closed it again and turned around, 'S-sorry, I'm cutting down the pill today and I just…'
He walked toward her hearing the hiccup in her voice and as he spun her around he saw her eyes start to water. It broke his heart all over again.
'I love you.'
She offered him a pained smile, he wished to erase from her face entirely, 'I won.'
He sighed desperately remembering the time he was teaching her how to drive before the Fixer brought them a day back in time when he told her he wouldn't be the one who would say it first and she objected that he would make a game out of it.
He never saw anyone look as terrible about winning as Vanya did at that moment, and it made him want to pull her close and hold her in his arms and forget everything in between and just be fucking happy for once.
'But you want to save her…,' continued the girl hopelessly, 'you love her more. You fell in love with her first and you-'
He put his hands on her arms and cut her off, 'It's not like that.'
'Liar,' she said easily shaking her head tears falling down her cheeks now, 'I know you, Five. I know you better than anyone decades difference or not, you're still you and I know you…you like to do the impossible and just time travel back and save me. Save the ghost me.'
He gripped her arms tighter while looking at her his eyes on hers the image in front of him enough to tell her that she was wrong and that he would never do that and that he loved her and that he would stay right there with her.
He cursed their tragic luck and love and whoever was rolling the dice which caused them a fate like this always so close to being happy and always just out of reach from it.
But she was right about one thing. She knew him. She knew him, but he knew her just as well. Four more years with him or not she still felt like she wasn't good enough. She still felt like she didn't deserve this like it wasn't something that would happen for her. Even if he told her countless of times he cared, like, love her and wanted only her she still had doubts, she still looked at his fan mail with a hidden distaste she tried not to show, she still held her breath whenever a fan tried to reach out and touch him or when he was forced to talk some female like she expected him deep down that he would realize that she wasn't worth it, that she wasn't amazing, or special and he would go for someone better. And now she probably thought with the bitter irony of it all that that someone would be herself. Her past dead ghost self.
His hand reached into her hair.
He caught her weak attempt to stop him by putting her hand against his chest and opening her mouth to argue but ignored it forcing kissing her for a second before she melted into his arms all that sadness, desperation, and tension making them both come apart in heated brushes of their lips.
Five deepened the kiss making sure to hold her close in case she tried to ran not in the mood for any selfless or logical thinking when his lips could enjoy the feeling of Vanya's and his whole body and mind got once again captured by the sensation they could create.
It had been a week since he last felt it, since he last allowed himself to feel like this with her fearing he was being selfish and was betraying himself and both versions of Vanya when he did so. It was perfect and almost made him believe it would be possible for them to stay like this forever and just be happy. Hypnotized by the way her lips pulled against his with her tongue stroking his, he could almost allow himself to wish for it even.
Ghost Vanya was right. She kissed the same. She made him feel the same when they kissed like this and touch one another without thinking. Like this in a more primitive state of a mind when just their hearts and bodies did the talking, Five could really feel that this was Vanya. Just Vanya.
When he finally broke the kiss so they could get some air she spoke while breathing hard, 'Right now I almost wish you would have loved me less, so you wouldn't go.'
He pressed his forehead against hers and let out a desperate chuckle feeling incredibly exhausted all of the sudden, 'I don't think that it ever was or will be possible for me to love you less, Vanya, any version of you.'
He knew both of them realized he didn't say he wouldn't go.
'So you got your memories back, and you've gone insane,' said the Fixer as he nodded at himself and continued to work on cutting his food as he and Five sat together in the same diner. He wasn't sure if the man would get his message and if he would be able to meet with him today, but he somehow managed.
Five watched the man trying to place him. With his memories back the paranoia which was always a part of his natural behavior increased and he was sure he couldn't trust the guy one bit. He didn't recognize him and his name meant nothing to him. Whoever the hell he was he joined the Commission after he blew it up which meant Five had no idea what the man's game was. He claimed he helped them out because Vanya saved someone he cared for life but like hell Five was going to believe that. The only thing he seemed to like even if that was too strong of a word to use was his hater toward the Handler. That he could relate to as well.
'I just want to know if it would be possible-'
'It wouldn't,' replied the man and shot him a glare that Five without hesitation replayed him.
The man
watched him closely for a moment as if trying to guess if he would have an upper hand before he sighed, 'Look, you're far too intelligent not to see the absolute madness of this…I won't even call it a plan or idea, but fantasy.'
'I do, I know the future got changed after I jumped here and now Vanya won't grow up without knowing about her powers and with Ben alive, I want to keep it that way-'
'So why risk it by trying to jump not to the future but to the future of a timeline you already changed?' asked the Fixer with a snap before he lowered his voice, 'You…let's not sugar code this. You had a shitty life. Shitty childhood, shitty growing up in the apocalypse, a very shitty job working for the Commission and quite shitty almost romance with Vanya in the previous timeline given how it ended.'
'I know,' said Five with his jaw in a tight hold.
The Fixer sighed, 'And here you have a good life. Sure, your childhood and dad suck, but Vanya here is alive and you get to grow up with her again the way you should have and Ben is alive as you mentioned and you have literally the knowledge of things to maybe fix the future for all your other siblings too. So why? Why? Why would you risk it all to go back and try what? Save Vanya who is dead from killing herself anyway? That Vanya doesn't even exist anymore. It's a timeline that you cannot go back to because if you just to 2019 you will find everyone there fine because now she knows of her powers and she's training them to be in control. She managed to save your life with them. Do you know how hard she had to focus not to make your heart explode?'
Five watched him for the longest of moments with all the intensity he was told could scare weaker people. He didn't think he could easily scare someone like the Fixer, but it didn't mean he wouldn't try.
However, looking at him now, Five couldn't help but sigh in some defeat. Maybe he was too tired, or maybe it was because of what happened or that he just lost the edge, but he didn't feel like blindly drown in his own aggression, 'When I traveled to the past I brought Vanya's ghost with me.'
The Fixer blinked some of his own anger melting away revealing shock and confusion, 'Wait, what?'
Five nodded and looked away, 'I saw her, during the last mission for the Academy a week ago, I died for a few moments and saw her. My memories came back when I saw her.'
He frowned that he allowed that part to slip. It wasn't something the Fixer should know.
When he glanced at the man, he was quiet, his food left forgotten as he watched Five, 'So she's here but as a ghost.'
Five blinked at the way the man said it. He thought about it before. He couldn't tell if the man was lying or not when he claimed why he was helping them, but now he looked…he really looked a bit shaken by the new information like it was personal.
Five nodded, 'Yes, she is, and she's stuck well…apparently, since she was…,' he shook his head with a bitter smile, 'since she didn't want to leave us alone mainly Klaus she missed out on her chance of going to the light and now she's here and she's…slowly going insane the way some old ghosts do. I…I need to go back to the timeline and save her, but I can't do it risking to screw up all of this. All of this life I have.'
The Fixer closed his eyes for a moment almost in pain before he took a deep breath, 'No, you can't.'
'Which is why I need your help to somehow figure out how to do it-'
'Five-'
'I know it is next to impossible, but-'
'Five, you really can't,' cut him off the man with an odd look on his face. The anger was gone, and he looked genuinely sorry.
The man watched him for a moment as if he made a decision which both took a huge weight off his shoulders and added some more to his chest, 'The timeline where Vanya shot herself is already gone. It was changed the moment that you jumped back and took your own place everything started to change and fix itself in order to create a new future. Your and Vanya's future. Even if…even if let's say you manage to bring back your other self from the apocalypse and keep him here with Vanya you already altered your and her relationships. He won't remember what you and her share now and so it might take him years to fall in love with her, and her with him, and that is unacceptable and too risky for me.'
Five frowned, 'The hell is that of any importance to you?'
'None of your business,' he shot back before he calmed down a bit, 'Look, what you want is not possible. You can't have everything and have everyone happy. You knew this when you jumped back. The fact that she's-that the Vanya from the previous time is here is...unfortunate, but can't cause global destruction to this timeline. The timeline that we're all alive in now.'
'Look,' started Five, 'If this is about whoever Vanya saves for you, you can still arrange for her to do that even if I'm not here-'
'No, I can't, literally can't,' said the Fixer, and Five frowned, 'Why the fuck not?'
'Not your problem,' he said and started to work on his food again before he paused and looked up, 'Listen, you selfish asshole,' his tone was ice-cold as he spoke. Before he was snappy or upset with them or purposely tried to annoy Five with smiles and chuckles or almost lazy and boring behavior. This voice was different. It was close to how annoyed he was with the Handler when they came to the house but somehow worse colder, 'You had a shitty life, I get that. You got one glimpse of happiness when you went to 2019 before the apocalypse in Vanya, and you greedily want it back, I get even that. But I don't get if you are a complete moron or just that much of self-saboteur that you want to actually blow your second shot. Because that's what this is. Your second and last shot of happiness. And I think that deep down you know it and maybe now that you have your memories back and remember what a sad excuse of a human being you are you feel like you don't deserve it, so you want to fuck it all up like before. Well, I won't let you. I'm not helping you or Vanya out of the goodness of my heart, I have everything literally everything placed on you and I would much rather shot you, wipe out your memories and brainwash you to stick to what's in store for you than to let you ruin this for me. Do I make myself clear?'
Five frowned at him never being good with treats, 'You know who I am do you really think, I couldn't take you?'
The man leaned closer with a look which Five found disturbingly familiar before he said, 'I know exactly who you are Number Five, and given our history, I know I can take you.'
When the man leaned away, he started to eat his food mumbling about it being cold like nothing happened.
Five figured he wouldn't get anything else out of the man so he stood up before he paused for a moment, 'Why does it matter if me and Vanya would take longer to fall in love?'
The man continued to eat without looking up, but Five caught the briefest shift of his eyes, 'Got a time limit for something? Someone?'
'Just ask me already what you want to ask,' said the man grumpily rolling his eyes at him.
'Are you our kid?' asked Five trying to push back any emotion he might feel if the answer was a confirmation.
The man sighed, 'Don't bother guess, you're clearly not very good in it.'
The two men glared at one another for a while before Five took his leave. It was pointless. He couldn't read the man. He looked somewhat familiar but to think he was his son was a long shot. Still, there was a connection between them. The Fixer wasn't a part of the Commission when Five was in the previous timeline which means he only managed to get there after Five jumped and changed the future again. But who he was and who was the person Vanya was supposed to save or when was a mystery.
Five slowly made his way home. Instead of using his powers or stealing a car, he decided to walk and think about everything. It was the first time he left the house after Astrotech. Before he was still healing in the medical bay along with Ben and after he was too focused on his equation and what he learned. They didn't have any new missions which were a blessing since Five could now barely manage to stand dad barking orders at them.
He tried to take a deep breath and think about everything. Vanya, ghost Vanya, Ben, the others, the apocalypse, his time traveling. He felt like he not only aged when he got his memories but also added weight of hundreds of tons to his shoulders. He wished there was a way to work it all out. Save Vanya, and yet keep her happy and safe here, but how? He already felt out of place, and it had only been a week. He couldn't help himself. He wasn't a boy anymore or a teenager, he was an old man in a young body, but he was still himself. He felt too old and too different from his siblings.
You don't belong here.
What if he really didn't? What if maybe he could have belonged to 2019 where everyone was too fucked up and broken just like him but not here where everyone still had hope in their hearts and light behind their eyes still dreaming and waiting for freedom expecting only good things to come once they would leave the Academy.
What about him?
He didn't have plans for the future. Ha. What a joke?!
He didn't have plans for a life here. What would he do? Continue to grow up? Go to school? Get a job? Marry Vanya-?
Oh, he found himself stopping at the red light and waiting. Maybe he did have some plans, but he still felt that he was too old for this and didn't really deserve it.
When they were together in his room today when he kissed her and she kissed him back everything else faded away including his worries and doubts. At that moment, it was all perfect. Everything seemed to fit and nothing seemed to be out of place, but every other time? Could it be enough for him? Would it be enough for her?
He started to walk ignoring the snaps and shouts of the drivers who were forced to stop not to run him over.
Of course, it would be enough for her because she only wants you with her, you idiot.
It was true. Vanya would be happy just to be by his side and for him want to be by hers.
But could he give her that? Could he finally find it in him to accept that this was it? His second chance and he couldn't do anything about ghost Vanya only accept her decision at peace and find his own?
As he came to the street of the Academy he stopped in track looking at the crowd outside the place. It wasn't unusual that fans were around the house calling out their names and wanting to sneak peeks at them or talk to them or something, but this crowd was different. There were no cheers and posters and annoying girls in short shirts. No these people seemed like random passingbys. Why did they stop and look at the house like that?
Without hesitation, he jumped closer only now seeing the pieces of wall and furniture laying in the background and on the street.
Jesus, what now?
Five made another jump and found himself on their floor and in their hallway that looked messy.
'God-dammit!' he heard someone curse, and he quickly bent down finding Klaus holding onto his chest for dear life.
'Fucking hell, man,' cursed his brother again and pressed his head against the wall looking in extreme pain.
'What happened? Where's Vanya?' he asked without thinking.
Klaus opened his eyes, 'She…I think she blew up the room,' said Klaus sounding confused, and Five grabbed his collar to raise him higher, 'What the hell are you talking about?'
'She knew you had me materialize the woman, and she wanted to talk to her too, and then the Geisterfrau started to mumble her ghost dementia nonsense, and Vanya tried to…I think to comfort her and touch her and then there was blue and white light coming from the ghost, and she blew up the room-shit Vanya!'
Five turned around with horror to the now ruined rooms that used to belong to Klaus and Vanya that now didn't even have a wall separating them and had a large hole on the side that was supposed to have windows.
He quickly jumped inside looking around, 'Vanya! Vanya!'
Desperately looking around, he tried to find her but couldn't with everything in a mess and the floor covered with bricks, wood, and books.
'Vanya!' he tried again feeling his heart was in his throat as once again with his stupid useless luck he started to fear the absolute worse.
Finally, he heard over the rapidness of his heartbeat a soft whimper and turned around noticing her lying under the weight of Klaus's heavy closet.
He rushed over just as Luther showed up immediately spotting her, 'Shit.'
'Don't just stand there!' he snapped at the other boy.
'I know, I know,' said the teenage boy, and easily lifted the heavy closet like it weighted nothing with enough time for Five to pull the girl out turning her onto her back.
His eyes went over her face hoping she was alright not even daring to think the d-word, 'Vanya. Vanya, please. Look, at me. Please.'
He shook his head while brushing her cheek and trying to see if there were any visible injuries on her fearing the invisible ones more. She was under the closet so it must have fallen on her. She could have broken or raptured lungs or internal bleeding.
'Vanya,' he said softly. She had to wake up. She had to. It wasn't possible-he wouldn't allow himself to lose her again. He just wouldn't. He couldn't. He already lost her once in his arms as she lied motionless, dead, and he-he lost it. He had gone insane and time traveled not carrying if it would work or not but not being able to stay and watch her lifeless body when he knew he could do something, knowing he had the power to do something. He jumped, and yes, he got a fucking second chance, one he didn't deserve, not even close. The Fixer was right, he was a martyr and self-saboteur who couldn't accept his own happiness. But he had it, he was happy, he was here with her and they were growing up and until he got his memories back, he was the happiest ever, and he loved her. He was in love with her because she was right. It was her. It was always her. Ghost Vanya, new timeline Vanya, old timeline Vanya, Vanya from his memories. She was always the little girl who tried to comfort him when he showed up bloodied in the living room when she was only four years old. She was always the girl who cleaned up his room like she was a maid bickering with him like they were an old married couple. She was always the girl who giggled in the way that made his heart stop and start again. She was always the girl he taught how to drive while challenging her with passionate yet delicate kisses. She was always the woman who allowed him to sleep with her in her bed protecting him from his demons even after not seeing him for seventeen years. She was always the same woman who even if she didn't understand played him Vivaldi so he could work out how to stop the Commission and apocalypse. She was always the woman who told him she could forgive him even if he couldn't forgive himself, and she was the woman who laughed and agreed to run away with him to a cabin away from all of this mess. She was always the same. She was Vanya. Past, present, future, old timeline, a new timeline, ghost, or alive. She was Vanya, and he loved her. All versions of her. Every single one even the one who did cause the apocalypse that cursed him to be alone for forty-five years in the wasteland full of nothing but pain and ash. He loved all of her and every single damn version because every one of those versions was her.
'F-five,' she mumbled softly finally opening her eyes a bit but keeping a hand on her chest like it hurt.
'Hey, it's okay, I'm here. I'm here,' he said and nodded brushing her face while he heard dad and Diego appear.
'Number Seven, can you hear me? Where does it hurt?' asked the man, and Five would have punched him if he didn't fear that if he even for a moment let go of Vanya he would lose her.
'My chest,' she mumbled with a hiss, 'It's a bit hard to breathe.'
'She might have a fractured lung,' said the man, 'Let's get her to the medical bay.'
'Do you want me to...,' started Luther, always the Number One, before he was brutally shut up by the glare Five shot him knowing all too well what effect it would have on him. Not even as an adult could Luther deal with it, the teenager didn't even stand a chance.
Five turned back to Vanya with no intention of letting anyone else touch her, he brushed her hair softly, 'I'm going to pick up now, okay? Slowly.'
Vanya nodded and closed her eyes, 'Am I dreaming?'
Five picked her up making her cry out a bit hating himself that he caused her more pain at that moment more than anything else in the world, 'I'm sorry. You'll be okay, I promise.'
'Vanya, what happened?' he heard Ben ask from the hallway as he was helping up Klaus putting his arm around his shoulder along with Diego.
'Five,' he heard Vanya's weak voice. It wasn't her sad voice she used when she tried to almost blend in with the wall or surroundings fearing she was too unimportant and ordinary to even be heard. Not this was weak almost like she was falling asleep which made his blood run cold with fear, 'I'm sorry, but It's okay. I got you. We're all okay. You're going to be fine.'
'Am I dreaming?' she asked again all of the sudden, and Five wondered if she didn't hit her head, 'No, you just had a pretty big closet fell on you. Since Klaus apparently needs a wardrobe big enough to hide an entire three-generation family of fugitives,' he said trying to lighten up the mood.
'Hey!' he heard Klaus said before he let out a loud pained hiss.
'But I heard dad…and Ben,' said Vanya causing a terrible dread appeared in Five's chest as he quickly jumped her to the medical bay rather than let the others hear.
She hissed again, the jump not the best option for her.
'Sorry about that,' he watched her face carefully as she tried to relax it a bit 'What did you say before?'
'Hm…?' she asked as she let out a bit of relieved sigh.
'You said something about dad and Ben, what?' he asked sensing it was important and that there was tension in his shoulders now for a completely different reason not just because of fear for the girl he loved hurt laying in his arms.
'Dad and Ben, I thought I heard them,' she said with her eyes close and her hand pressed against her chest tightly.
'But they're dead,' she muttered quietly and pushed her head against his chest and shoulder.
A cold sweat ran down his back as he looked down at the girl in his arms barely holding back a shiver as he spoke, 'V-Vanya?'
'Everything hurts,' she mumbled a wrinkle between her forehead.
'What year is it?' he asked, and she groaned at him, 'I don't have a concussion, Five. Just my chest hurts.'
'Vanya,' he said again forcing his voice not to shake with urgency as he heard the others coming, 'Just…humor me.'
He watched her take in a deep breath as it must have been coming even more painful now to talk and remain in his arms.
'What year is it?' he asked again looking at her with a much steadier look than he felt as he heard the others approaching them closely.
Her eyes opened for the first time, and Five couldn't help but think that she looked exactly like she did right before she-right before she took that gun and-and…
'2019.
A.N: Hey, due to the new s02 some motivation and inspiration returned to me to make a new chapter and realize maybe where do I want to move the story next. To be completely honest, I am so guilty that I can't seem to move on with it as much as I should since it's my first fiveya story and you all seem to constantly come back and comment and it is really amazing you like it so much but seriously makes me feel so guilty that I don't update :D I almost wish I had chosen the other ending and finished it after chapter ten. But since I can't time travel, what is done is done. I will try to work more on it more from now on and update soon, but no promises. Anyway, thank you so much for the support you show all my works, it means a lot. I hope everyone is safe and is doing okay.