"Melinda called for you," Carisi called out as Olivia walked in to her office. "She said she tried your cell but couldn't reach you, she wants you to call her back."

"Thanks," she called out over her shoulder, "I'll call her back in a minute,".

She wasn't ready for the night shift. She was barely sleeping. If she wasn't plagued by thoughts of Elliot all night, the idea of Trevor certainly kept her from sleeping.

She closed the office door and dug her cellphone out and set her bag down in the cupboard. It'd been two whole days since she'd seen Trevor and it was starting to feel like an eternity. He'd called her before bed the night before and they chatted til early hours of the morning, but it wasn't the same as being in his arms.

She went to awaken the phone's screen but realized that it was dead.

No wonder Melinda hadn't been able to reach her.

She gave her eyes a gentle rub, careful not to rub make up in to them. They felt sandy and they kept watering. She sighed and plugged her phone in and turned on her devices, ready to get to work.

She muttered under her breath as someone knocked on the door – never a dull moment in SVU, she thought.

She looked up to see Fin. She felt bad about the day before; for being so mad without a reason. She waved at him and motioned for him to come inside. He closed the door behind him.

"Aren't you going home?" she asked him, he should have clocked off at least an hour ago.

Fin made his way to the chair that sat across from her and smiled, "I have some things to finish up before I go—hey, how are you feeling after the other day?" he asked – he'd had two days off and they hadn't managed to speak save for a few brief text messages.

Liv gave him a weak smile, "angry, can you believe the bastard turned up to my apartment later that night?" she was able to laugh. "I had Noah with me, I bitch slapped him so hard…"

"In front of Noah?!" Fin was surprised, unable to help himself; he laughed at the thought of his friend hitting Elliot. "Why?" he wondered if she really was okay, he couldn't imagine her clocking anyone for any reason – unless it was a perp and certainly not in front of her little boy.

"Noah was asleep-" she realized she was telling him far too much of the story. "Anyway," she changed the subject, "I'm not interested in seeing him or talking to him – that part of my life is over."

Fin surveyed her; she looked a little tired and there was something different about her, but he was sure he was about to blow up her day. He had promised Melinda he would talk to her, but now it didn't seem like such a good idea.

"Why are you staring at me like that?" she asked, "what's going on? What has that bastard done now?"

"Liv, I have to ask you something so I guess I'll just be blunt."

"Okay?" she was expecting a verbal vomit of concern and a lot of unconvinced questions about her feelings, but she wasn't prepared for what he was about to ask.

"When you went to Chicago, did you hook up with Trevor Langan?" he asked her gingerly.

He saw her face turn a shade of red, her eyes widened in shock – she certainly hadn't been expecting that. "W..what?"

"I'm not judging, I'm just asking…" he clarified but he had almost seen a wall around her begin to rise; her protection layer, he called it. He'd seen it so many times and neither of them acknowledged it.

"Did Melinda tell you that?" she asked him defensively, crossing her arms and resting them on the desk. She was embarrassed, not wanting to share Trevor with anyone yet – wanting him all for herself until she was sure.

As of their chat the night before, she was around 98%.

"No," Fin replied evenly, "it's just a rumor and I don't know where it started or who started it, but everyone is talking about you sleeping with the new DA's lackey and I wanted you to know." He paused, waiting for her response, her mouth was agape in horror so he continued, speaking a little faster, "I should have told you about Elliot and I regret not, so I needed to tell you about this."

"Who the fuck…" she thought, "nobody knows about him and I, just Melinda—" she paused and cursed, "fucking Elliot… he saw us the other night."

"I don't think it was Elliot," Fin replied gently, "Someone emailed me the other day just after you left. I told them it wasn't true… but, I'm guessing there's something about to it…"

Olivia held her forehead in her hands and felt like it was constantly just one bad thing after another. "I.." she paused, "I've been hanging out with him…" she admitted, "but so what? Why do I always have to explain myself?"

"Liv, you don't have to explain yourself to me…" he replied but he couldn't believe it. Trevor Langan – the scumbag that they'd spent the last few months cursing out because he undid all the hard work they'd done on the case.

"I do…" she sighed. "I know what we all thought of Langan, but… we talked and he left his public defender role because of the mistake he made defending Sanchez and I dunno, we just got talking and hit it off…" she explained to her long time friend. She shrugged, trying to make it feel and sound breezy, "I guess it felt right."

"Well if Elliot didn't say something and you've not mentioned it to anyone else," Fin suggested, "that leaves Trevor big-noting himself that he slept with Captain Benson."

As the thought occurred to her, she started to feel a little dizzy with disappointment. "Surely not?" she suggested feebly despite the sinking feeling that was growing in the pit of her stomach.

Rejection. Mistrust. Hurt. Nausea.

"I hope he didn't for your sake Olivia, but that guy… he's all about money," he told her.

She hated Fin in the moment for his self-righteousness, as though he didn't trust her judgment, but what she hated even more was the chance that he could be right.

She wanted to tell him that he was wrong, but she knew she'd sound stupid and look even stupider if his suspicious about Trevor were correct.

She stared at him for a minute and felt sad that despite the fact that Fin was probably her closest friend, she still didn't feel comfortable enough to share how she felt with him. She hoped he was wrong about Trevor, but the very part of her that had begged her heart not to trust was winning over again – and for good reason.

This is why you don't trust, it told her.

"Fin could you leave me alone?" she asked, not wanting to discuss the matter with him any further.

"Liv, I'm really didn't want to upset you-" he started, his warm eyes softening, realizing that she was truly shocked and upset. It had only been when he brought it up with Melinda that she had confirmed that she'd been seeing the disgraced lawyer.

He knew she was done though, from working together so long, he figured out how to read her body language. She was hurt and her wall was up. She would try desperately hard not to show her disappointment and upset over it, but it was evident to him – her friend of almost half of their lives.

She held up her hand to halt him and just shook her head.

"I'm fine," she said without thinking of it.

It seemed to be the Olivia Benson catch-cry that Trevor had figured out pretty quickly. It was something that fell out of her mouth as a force of habit; the words held virtually no weight to them anymore.

But they weren't untrue – she was fine and if turned out that Trevor Langan was the jerk she suddenly began to think that he was, she was still going to be fine.

Fin knew when Olivia had had enough. He felt terrible; he was pretty sure that she hadn't caught feelings for Langan and more than anything he wanted her to find someone who made her happy, but he didn't want her to settle just for the sake of it; certainly not with a person who didn't deserve her.

She heard the door click behind her and she tried to get it out of her mind. She had things to do and she had all but shirked her responsibilities from the day after she got back from Chicago so she was still playing catch up.

She had to get on to it and leave her personal life at home.

She opened her email and began to sort through them one after another, replying to the urgent ones and marking the others as to-do. She started on the pile of paper work, checking on the police statements at random to make sure they'd been followed up on while she was out of the office.

She drove herself in to autopilot and slowly started to forget about calling Melinda back and demanding to know what Trevor had told his little friends. She decided that she was done – she was done being sucked in by men only to be spat out when it suited them.

He walked the walk and as evidenced by the information Fin had just given her, Trevor sure loved the talk.

The detectives were in and out of her office all night, updating her on their case load and court appearances before she was called out to her first job.

Olivia found she was just going through the motions, saying the right things, taking statements and comforting the young victim as she was examined by the paramedics on scene.

"Is everything okay, Captain?" Carisi asked as they got back in to their squad car to head back to the precinct. "You've been quiet all night…"

"I'm just tired," Olivia replied, not looking at the baby detective who was sitting in the driver's seat. Carisi was mostly a serious man, but she loved his heart and his compassion. Out of all of the detectives, they were probably the two most similar in their approach to the cases that they saw in and out of the station.

"Is it because of the rumors going around—"

"About what?" she asked, leaning her head against the window, feigning exhaustion as she closed her eyes; and really, that wasn't far from the truth, but she was emotionally exhausted. She had spent the whole day bouncing around the accusations that she wanted to throw at Trevor – and at Elliot too, the two biggest disappointments that had come her way in the most recent time.

"Well…" Carisi began to tread carefully, not wanting to upset his boss, "there's a rumor about you and Langan-"

She sighed, "It's just a stupid rumor, God knows what he's told everyone but we just hung out a little bit based purely on the fact that neither of us knew many people at the conference, there's no substance to it," she lied, feeling the nausea rise in the pit of her stomach again at the thought of being played. "He's nothing."

Carisi nodded, "Still, it's shitty to have someone making up things about you like it's high school locker room talk, Cap – want me to go kick his nuts in?"

Olivia was getting frustrated; she was angry and devastated that the man who she had decided to let her guard down for, was capable of spreading malicious lies. She never truly believed he was like that.

She was able to mask her feelings with a weak laugh, "No Sonny, it doesn't matter," she murmured, "Trevor Langan isn't really important in the grand scheme of things," she shrugged, wriggling down a little in her seat, trying to get comfortable. She really wanted him to just stop talking.

"I'll drop it, sorry," he apologized, reading the room and understanding quickly that it was a sensitive matter.

Olivia could barely keep her eyes open when she got home. The sun was just coming up and she had ignored every single one of Trevor's messages. She greeted Lucy with a smile as she set her bag down.

Lucy was getting things ready for Noah's breakfast and organizing his school things. "Thanks honey…" she said to her nanny, resting her hand on the young woman's shoulder as she passed. "I'm just going to have a shower and I'll wake Noah up for school if you wanna relax," she suggested.

"Are you sure?" Lucy asked. She and Olivia had a close relationship and Olivia was happy for Lucy to sometimes make herself at home, after all, she spent as much time there as she spent at her own place. She had to feel comfortable.

"Of course, why don't you just make yourself something to eat and sit down, you get up way too early," she flashed her a meaningful smile. She didn't have a single complaint about the way Noah was cared for.

"Thanks Liv… hey, are you alright?"

She knew she needed to reel in her mood, it was obvious to anyone who knew her that there was something going on. "I'm fine, just had a big night, ready for bed but I want to see my little boy when he wakes up."

She made her way to her bed room and put her bag down. She grabbed a change of clothes. She took her make up off and got in to the shower; going through the motions numbly.

She closed her eyes and let the water run over her face. It was only then that she felt her entire body relax. Before she knew it, she was sitting on the floor of the small shower recess, balled up, sobbing silently over her own stupidity and shame.

She trusted him. She wanted him to be honest and righteous and everything that he claimed he would be to her. He promised her.

He'd promised.

She didn't want Elliot anymore and even if she did, it wouldn't have mattered, he still had a wife; just because he was back didn't make him any more available and she couldn't do all of that over, not after a decade of dealing with unrequited love – the most painful of all of the loves.

She ran her fingers through her hair and tilted her head up, letting the shower's spray hit her face like rain, washing away the tears and the hurt that she was holding inside.

She sat until she felt calmer, until she knew that all the tears had dried up. She wanted the sadness and loneliness to twist in to anger so that she would be able to face Trevor and tell him exactly what she thought of him.

She knew something for certain and that was that she was never going to be made a fool of again.

It felt nice to be in a pair of long silk pajama pants and a loosely fitting t-shirt, thought Olivia. She was over wearing her tight, boot-cut work pants. She tried to cheer up and save her sadness for when she was alone.

She woke her son and sat with him while he had a chocolate milk and some cereal. She had a weak coffee and turned her phone to silent. Trevor had tried to call twice already and it was only 7:30 in the morning.

"Mommy are you going to sleep today?" Noah asked.

"I am," she smiled, "I'll see you for a little bit before I go back to work tonight…"

"I don't like it when you're working night's Mom…" he informed her almost regretfully.

"I know baby," she smiled at him, "I don't love being away from you of a night but it's only fair that I work nights too, Amanda has to be at home sometimes with Jessie and Uncle Fin needs his beauty rest," she continued, making him laugh.

"I had fun the other night with Trevor," he told her for what felt like the 100th time, "will he eat dinner with us again?"

It felt like a punch to the chest. It was exactly what she didn't want. She didn't want her son to form an attachment. She hated herself for going against her better judgment.

Fuck Elliot and Fuck Trevor Langan.

"Not sure honey, Trevor is super busy, almost busier than I am, we'll have to wait and see."

"He had a big fat crush on you," he grinned to himself as he spilled milk down his chin, spooning the cheerios in to his mouth while he spoke.

It really hurt to know that her son had picked up on it. "Don't be silly, Noah, he is my friend, watch what you're doing," she snapped but instantly felt guilty.

His lower lip quivered, not used to being roused on by his mother. "I'm sorry honey, I shouldn't have snapped… Mommy is really tired and a little sad about a job from last night," she fibbed, "it's not your fault." She reached over and gave his hand a little squeeze.

"I didn't mean to make you angry," he said softly and she saw the film of water over his eyes. Noah was sensitive and he wasn't used to her getting mad at him for no reason.

Olivia felt terrible and could feel Lucy's eyes staring.

"I know you didn't, come here my sweet boy…" she reached out to him. He got off his chair and came around to her side of the table. Olivia glanced at Lucy and gave her a weak smile. "I love you, I'm sorry…"

"Don't you like Trevor?" he asked her, his childish perception was something that she didn't even think he was aware of.

"Trevor is a very good friend of mine, but he's not my boyfriend and he doesn't have a crush on me," she laughed, having to wear the mask of a clown when she thought about how well he'd had her fooled.

She gave him a little squeeze and a kiss on his forehead. "Okay, finish up with your breakfast and take your plate to the sink."

Olivia got up and sat down beside Lucy in the living room, "Mother of the year goes to me…" she joked feebly.

"You're tired, Liv, it's fine…" the young girl touched her arm affectionately. "Noah knows that… but he did really have a good time the other night, he was so excited to tell me that Trevor flies his own planes..." she chuckled.

Everything was just white noise and Olivia wanted to escape it. It took every fiber within her not to react to his name. Instead she just smiled.

"You know," she sat forward, "I might actually go to bed, I can barely keep my eyes open, I'm sorry."

"No sweat…" Lucy smiled. Olivia put her mug in the sink and kissed Noah's temple.

"Honey, Mommy is going to bed… I'll see you after school, okay?"

He nodded, "Okay Mommy, I hope you'll feel happier when I get home."

She smiled at him and kissed him again, "You always make me happy, Noah, you are my sun and my moon, but right now I just need to sleep, it's nothing you've done." She tucked his curls behind his ears, making a mental note that it was time to get her son a haircut. He hugged her tightly.

Olivia closed her eyes, her little boy was the most important thing, she thought, and it was important not to lose focus of that.

She buried her face in her pillow and waited for the sound of a silent house. Once she heard the front door close, her tension seemed to dissipate. She let the fat tears spill down the sides of her face as she picked up her mobile phone and scrolled through dozens of Trevor's messages.

The last one; "I'm sorry, I am acting like a complete psychopath, you're probably just caught up at a case. I'm not usually like this, I swear, I just really hoped to talk to you before you go to sleep."

She wiped her tears and replied; "Do not text me ever again. I don't want to see you and I don't want you to clog up my phone with your nice guy bullshit. Whatever this is, it's done."

Her loneliness became jarring whenever something that she felt had potential came to an end. She was tired of doing it all alone and she desperately wanted Noah to have a good role model – not someone who was looking to be his father, but someone who would never turn down an invite to provide a dependable, blue print of the way he should grow up. She wanted a man to teach him important things that she knew she could probably never teach herself.

Quicker than she could put her phone down, Trevor replied again. "What? Is this a joke? Why? What did I do?"

Another message and then her phone began to ring. She desperately wanted to answer it and tell him just how hurt and angry she was but she decided that he didn't deserve the satisfaction and he wasn't getting the best of her again.

She read the second message, "Olivia, did I overstep things with Noah? Are you just scared? What can I do to help you? I'm coming over."

"Fuuuuckkk!" she snapped loudly, her curse suspending in the silence of the apartment.

"Do not come over… I am going to bed and hopefully I'll forget you."

She put her phone face down and closed her eyes, squeezing them tight as possible, as if that was somehow going to allow her to sleep.

After around half an hour of tossing and turning she gave up trying and turned on the TV, hoping that there was something decent on that she could just lay and listen to.

She started to drift off finally, when she heard the door buzzer.

She sat up in fury. She had asked him not to come. She was angry that he had no regard for what she wanted. She got out of bed and marched with heavy footsteps down the short hall to the front door and picked up the intercom.

"What?!" she snapped, her voice livid and reproachful.

"Liv…" Trevor breathed.

He could hear that aggression in her voice – she'd only ever spoken to him like that once before, "Liv please talk to me, I don't know what happened, I'm so confused."

"Like hell you don't, Trevor—I trusted you." she shot back.

Someone coming out of the apartment block gave him the ability to get in to her building. He left her ranting at him over the intercom and legged it up toward her apartment.

Olivia stopped talking, realizing he wasn't there. She hung it up and cursed again under her breath knowing that someone had given him access to her allegedly secure building. She was beyond exhausted and felt like she hadn't slept properly since Chicago.

She didn't want him to see her in her unflattering pajamas. She didn't want him to see her tear-streaked face. She ran her fingers through her hair and sighed. There was a knock on the door that she had been anticipated.

Trevor was close to earning a slap just the way Elliot had.

She opened the door to find him standing in a suit, leaning up against the doorway.

His face creased with concern the moment his eyes fell upon her. She was a little disheveled and he knew she had been crying. "Liv, come here…" he held his arms out but she resisted despite how badly she wanted to be comforted.

"Don't-" she held up her hand, "I don't want to hear it, I'm not a fool and I won't be treated like one-"

"What are you talking about?" he asked, frustrated. It felt like they were having two very separate conversations and neither was hearing the other. He scratched his beard and ran his fingers through his hair. "What the fuck do you think it is that I did?" he asked in a tone that was almost begging.

She shook her head and he saw tears sliding down her face. His instant reaction was to slide his arms around her and hold her close to him like he had the day earlier. "Liv, please…" he continued. He watched her choke back her words before giving up entirely. "I don't think you're a fool…"

He didn't care that she'd told him to leave or that she didn't want him there, he hadn't done anything wrong.

He reached out for her and despite her weakening efforts to pull her away, he won her over. "Stop fighting me!" he exclaimed, his fingers pressing in to her arms as she seemed to temporarily give in.

"I didn't do anything to misplace your trust, Liv, I swear…" he murmured in to the silence. "Please don't find reasons to push me away."

She let herself melt in to him for a moment, remembering how good it was in his arms. She closed her eyes and let her tears fall unbridled down her cheeks, soaking in to his crisp, light blue business shirt.

It felt right and it felt comfortable and the strength and masculinity that he exuded made it easy for her to remember why she had trusted him to begin with, but it was also a startling reminder as to why he could have easily mistreated her and gotten away with it.

"No, don't…" she said firmly, using both of her hands to push his chest away from her. "Stop it."

"Olivia, talk to me, you owe me that much," he said, letting go of her, lifting his arms – knowing when enough was enough.

They stood face-to-face, one of them angry, the other looking done.

"I don't owe you anything. I can handle my past coming back to haunt me, I can handle having my ex kill himself, being kidnapped, held hostage, whatever else – I can handle it; so don't you dare think I can't handle some fucking … douche bag in a suit thinking he can tell the world we had sex…"

"What?" he sputtered, "what are you talking about?! I never did that!" he exclaimed. "Seriously?" he stared at her intrusively, his eyes hinted anger and disbelief. "You think I would do that? Why don't you talk to Elliot Stabler cos I haven't opened my mouth to a single fucking soul about you, Olivia. I never would!"

She wanted to believe him – she wanted to believe there was some way Elliot could have done this but she knew in her heart even if he was mad at her, he would never hurt her or tarnish her name.

But… maybe she didn't know him anymore, either.

"You should just go…" she didn't want him to win, she didn't want to be a fool even though every part of her was begging to believe him. It was just too hard to constantly have her heart broken over and over and over – when was it ever going to be enough?

She wiped her eyes, surely the fatigue was just amplifying her feelings.

"I think you're scared," he said to her, taking a step back, standing in the doorway. "I think you are scared of your own feelings but I know deep down inside you, Olivia, that you have genuine feelings for me and you can run as fast as you want as soon as shit gets real, but you can't deny-"

"Please," she interrupted him, stifling a sob, "I need you to go…"

He stopped, letting his sentence break off. As frustrated and as he was, he didn't wish to hert her. She already sounded broken – heartbroken and exhausted. He felt the bite of the iciness that she radiated toward him, but he knew better than to be fooled by that exterior. It was all to protect herself and after all that she had been through, he really couldn't blame her.

"I need to be by myself."

"That's the problem," he said, his voice resolute and his jaw clenching in to a hard line, "you think you can do everything by yourself – that you don't need anyone… but you're only hurting you."

She didn't respond, she started closing the door and Trevor had no choice but to take a step back. He felt desperate for her to just communicate with him; she wasn't the only one suddenly feeling hurt and cheated.

He gave up, watching the door click closed and the lock being latched behind it. He turned around and glanced down the hall, slumping against the wall, heaving a sigh.

How was it possible for his heart to ache over something that wasn't actually anything as she had so cleverly put it.

This had Elliot Stabler written all over it, he thought and it was time to pay him a visit.