Olivia went back to bed after taking Noah to school. She hoped Trevor's day was going well.
Noah had asked dozens of questions around Trevor's presence to which she tried to field as honestly but as vaguely as possible given that she wasn't exactly sure what was going on herself.
Her feelings were overwhelming and … big and she felt positive about him and had passed the point of wanting to run from him, but was more interested in running at him with her eyes shut, but she knew to keep guarded too; to give herself permission to fall in love, but also not to be foolish either.
It was around 10:30 in the morning when she finally snuggled back in beneath the covers. She smiled to herself, rolling over on to the spot where Trevor had slept. The pillow still smelled faintly like the scent of his cologne.
She couldn't help herself, each time she closed her eyes, she thought of him and they popped back open. She reached over for her phone and curled her fingers around it. She drew it up in front of her, squinting til her eyes adjusted to the brightness.
She opened it up and began to tap away. I am aware that I'm being a stage-five clinger but… I wish you were still here in bed with me. I hope that your first day at your new job is going well, don't let Elliot give you a hard time if you run in to him. Can't wait to see your face… xo"
She stared at it for a few seconds too long, almost choosing to delete it. Finally, she hit send.
She closed her eyes and tried not to anticipate anything from him. She turned the TV on and listened to some mindless drivel in the background, distracting her from her own thoughts and fell asleep pretty quickly.
Trevor was tired from staring at a computer screen for most of the afternoon. He started to feel his eyes getting heavy around 3pm. It wasn't all bad, he had to get through dozens of inductions and online modules before be began his actual work outside of the office.
He looked down at his phone but there was still nothing from Olivia. He wanted to get another coffee but it he'd only been in the job mere hours, surely it wouldn't have been a good look to start disappearing randomly for breaks that he didn't yet deserve.
He rubbed his eyelids with the heels of his palms and sighed, looking back at the computer screen with his sandy eyes.
"How is it going in here?" Kara Milburn stuck her head in his new office and gave him a smile. She had been friendly, polite and happy to have him as part of her team.
"Yeah, not too bad," he smiled back, trying not to show how startled he was – or even how tired he was.
"Are you over doing all of the induction modules yet?" she asked with a little laugh.
"Oh, yeah," he chuckled, mimicking her body language and tone. He was too tired to give too much, "but it's okay, the sooner they're out of the way the better, right?" he offered.
"Yeah, but … I was thinking you might like to have a break. Why don't you go get yourself a coffee and then come and see me – I have some open case files that you might like to familiarize yourself with and we can talk about how you think you might move forward with them."
He nodded slowly, hoping that his brain was up for the challenge. "Thanks Kara, I might just do that, I'm hitting that afternoon slump."
"You're not a prisoner here Trevor," she told him kindly, "I know especially the first few days can be boring with all the computer hurdles, but you're allowed to come and go as you please for coffee or lunch or whatever. You have a work phone, I know how to reach you."
"Thank you," he said again, "I guess it wouldn't look good if I keep disappearing with absolutely zero workload on my first few days," he countered, sitting up straight.
"I know," she agreed, "but if you're anything like me, I'd be falling asleep in front of that screen without a bit of caffeine and some moving around so, take a break… let me know when you're back."
He locked the screen and reached in to the empty drawers of his desk and pulled out his wallet and keys and grabbed for his phone. He slowly got up and walked out with his new boss.
Liv woke up in a bit of a flurry. She hadn't bet on sleeping for so many hours. Noah would be home in less than thirty minutes and she was still in her t-shirt that she'd changed in to after she dropped him off at school.
That was some sleep, she thought with a yawn. She drew in a deep breath and suddenly remembered her previous evening with Trevor. A grin danced across her mouth and she forced herself out of bed.
She put on a pair of sweats and tied her hair back. She went to the bathroom and brushed her teeth and attempted to look a little more alert.
Olivia went back to her room, remembering that she'd sent Trevor a message before she fell asleep. She unlocked her phone and saw three messages.
She clicked on his contact as she gargled some mouthwash back in the bathroom. She spat it out and gave the screen her full attention.
Don't be crazy, you are not a stage-five clinger. I love to hear from you. I miss you too. There's a lot of induction crap to do so I probably won't see a case for around a week so Elliot won't have to worry about seeing me. Can't wait to see your beautiful face.
She smiled to herself and scrolled to the next one.
Eating my lunch in my office like the new kid at school eating his lunch in the library to avoid meeting new people. How is your day going? Have you spoken to your Chief yet? Don't chicken out Liv, I really think you need the break, I'm a little worried about you, truthfully. I'll check in with you soon.
Shit, she thought, she needed to call, she hadn't intended on sleeping so many hours.
The last message was less than half an hour earlier.
I'm getting paranoid that you haven't replied back. If you don't reply by 4, I'm going to call you. I'm sure you're fine but let me know you're good.
It was five minutes past four and she felt bad; she began to tap out her response but the phone began to ring. It startled her and she fumbled with it for a moment. She answered it. "Hey…"
"Liv…" he breathed with relief, "are you okay?"
"Yeah, yeah… I'm so sorry, I've literally just woken up and I was just replying to your text. I didn't mean to make you worry."
"Its okay," his tone softened once he realized she was okay. He didn't want to say it out loud but after what she had been through, but he worried knowing that Sanchez was on the street still – he was perhaps being paranoid, but given the way he'd witnessed her the night before, he wanted her as far away from Sanchez as possible. "I was just worried…"
"I fell asleep after I took Noah to school and I just woke up… I feel disgusting," she remarked.
"Is Noah home soon?" he asked.
"Yeah, in about fifteen or so minutes," she replied. "What about you, how are you doing?" she asked, a smile crossing her mouth as she found her way to the kitchen to turn the coffee machine on.
"Good sweetheart," he murmured, she noticed his voice seemed to sweeten and lower whenever he he spoke to her affectionately. It warmed her body through. "I'm finishing up soon…" his voice trailed. "Is it cheeky of me to want to see you tonight?" he asked gingerly, as if was afraid of her getting annoyed with him.
Olivia laughed lightly, "Mmmm… I should say yes, but my need to see you far outweighs my fears right now which is incredibly irresponsible of me."
Trevor laughed too, "You can say no, Liv, I am very aware of Noah, I'm just feeling a bit blah and would love to see you and I'm tired and broody," he admitted.
"I think since I didn't let you go to sleep until well in to the early hours of the morning, you could come over and chill out with us tonight. I don't know how or if we'll get much alone time, but it'd be wonderful to be near you."
Trevor smiled. "I'm there… can I come and cook for you?" he asked, looking around the bare office.
Olivia laughed, "you cooked a lot of food last night, I don't want to have to start relying on you for food," she replied, meaning it. It was a lifestyle she could become accustomed to.
"Let me…" he commanded gently, "I like to cook, it's a nice wind down, you can help."
She laughed again, "you are desperate to see first-hand how truly bad my skills in the kitchen are, aren't you?"
"Insanely," he flirted. "Didn't I tell you that bad chefs are incredibly sexy to me?"
He was happy to hear her laughing despite how tired she sounded too.
"Unfortunately I gotta let you go, I'll run some dinner ideas by you by text. What time would you like me to come over?" he wondered.
"Whenever you're ready… bring something to sleep in… if you want," she added as if she was concerned that he might not want to.
Trevor raised an eyebrow. "Cool, sleeping in the Nanny's room, am I?" he joked.
Olivia laughed. "We'll see how you behave," she retorted. "See you later Trevor."
"See you, love…" he let his voice trail off as she hung up first.
Lucy was still over, debriefing with Olivia about Noah's day. She often helped him with his homework in the afternoons if Olivia was home and busy with work stuff.
She'd spent around half an hour after Noah got home on the phone to the Chief discussing some time off. Nobody asked questions when she asked for time; it wasn't something she requested very often, but she knew Trevor was right, she needed a breather; it was all getting to be a little too much.
Garland was only new to his job but he knew her history and they had fit in to a groove immediately – he knew the Sanchez case had been close to home and he wasn't all that surprised to hear she was struggling after what Carisi had reported to him earlier that day.
She was granted two weeks leave if she needed it. She doubted she'd take the whole time, but it gave her a chance to check-in with her shrink and take a minute from the flash backs and the awfulness of him coming back to haunt her.
Olivia let Trevor in; she'd told Lucy they were having company and her nanny knew immediately who it was.
"Hello…" he greeted her, a sports bag slung over his shoulder. He was holding two bags from the supermarket. A grin spread across his mouth. He was about to lean over to kiss her lips but noticed both Lucy and Noah kneeling on either side of the coffee table, staring. It was a little off-putting, but with his hands full, he couldn't slide his arms around Liv like he wanted.
She stood on the tips of her toes and kissed his cheek in greeting but her eyes lingering over him told him all that he needed to know. "Uh… here… let me help you," she registered a little nervously that they were both lingering awkwardly with unresolved gestures and greetings.
"Trevor! Hi!" Noah called as his new friend stepped through the threshold. Trevor peeled his eyes from Olivia, allowing her to take the bags to the kitchen.
"Hi kiddo, how are you?" he glanced at Lucy and smiled at her, nodding in acknowledgement, "Hello, Lucy."
She gave him a wave and Noah made a beeline toward him. "Are you sleeping over again tonight?" he asked nosily. Trevor felt his neck heat up as he scooped up the child and gave him a hug.
"Noah, stop harassing Trevor," Olivia told her son with good-nature, loving the way he didn't hesitate with her son. She loved that he treated him lovingly and kindly and most importantly, patiently.
"Trevor is my friend too," Noah told him Mom as if she wasn't aware.
"Hey, hey…" Trevor interjected with a grin, "there's plenty of me to go around," he joked. He glanced back at Lucy and smiled again, "what are you and Lucy up to?" he wondered, "are you working on your homework?"
Noah nodded, "I have to do my spelling before Lucy goes home."
"Okay well, why don't you do that, Mom and I are going to cook dinner," he explained.
Noah laughed, "Mommy? You are going to make dinner?" he started to giggle like it was the funniest thing. Olivia couldn't help but to laugh at her child's backhanded roasting.
"Give me a break Noah, jeez," she chuckled, "I am trying and if we're lucky Trevor might be able to teach me how to make a nice dinner every now and then."
Noah seemed unconvinced but Trevor just stood, watching them back and forth, laughter ready to empty from his mouth.
"I like Trevor's food," Noah replied with an air of resolution.
"Thanks Noah," Trevor chuckled, setting him down.
"How are you going Lucy? It's been a while," Trevor remarked.
"Good thanks Mr Langan," she smiled politely.
"Please," he said kindly, "it's Trevor…"
"Come on," Olivia tugged on his arm, "I'm starving, tell me what we're making…" Trevor turned his heel and slipped off his shoes at the door and followed her about 8 steps to the small kitchen.
"Okay, okay…" Trevor opened one of the bags, "I told you Benson, I'm keeping it simple… will Noah eat salmon?" he asked.
"Salmon? I thought you said simple!" Olivia looked at him alarmed. "Noah won't even go near it."
"Firstly…" Trevor stopped unpacking the two bags and turned to her; she looked bewildered already. He smiled, trying not to be put off his game by the child and nanny behind him. "salmon is surprisingly easy and secondly, I didn't think Noah would eat it so I bought a little piece of chicken breast and I can make it in to a crumbed schnitzel or something…"
"What? Trevor… how long is this going to take?" she was half-amused but she wanted to make sure Noah was in bed at his bedtime.
He laughed, placing his hands on her waist, drawing her closer to him. "Would you relax, goodness me, Olivia… I know what I'm doing, just trust me, okay?"
She looked up in to his beautiful eyes and desperately wanted to kiss him, but just the same as Trevor, she was nervous about the prying eyes on the other-side of the kitchen counter. She felt his fingertips brushing the skin just beneath the hem of her shirt.
She could tell by the way he eyed her mouth that he wanted to kiss her too; they were both exercising the utmost restraint. "Ok," her voice retreated, "what can I do?"
"Do you know how to boil potatoes?" he asked, trying not to laugh. She stared in to his eyes for a minute, holding back her chuckles.
"Just … boil a pot of water and throw them in right?" she asked innocently, as if she genuinely thought there could be a chance of getting it wrong.
"Yes, hot water halfway, put it on a medium sized burner… see? You can do this."
Olivia smiled. He let go of her and helped himself around the kitchen, remembering where the plates were from the night before when he cooked.
He stepped beside Olivia who had the good sense to wash the potatoes before putting them in to the water. "What now?" she asked, watching him take a couple of plates down from a cupboard that was above them.
"Okay, come stand with me and I'll show you some thing easy." He unwrapped the two slices of fresh salmon, skin facing up. He handed her some olive oil that he found in the pantry. "Pour some over the salmon."
"How much?" she wondered.
"Its easier to add more than it is to put it back," he winked, "just pour it out slowly and I'll tell you when." She did as she was asked, feeling his hand resting on the small of her back.
"I feel like I'm 8," she rolled her eyes as he halted her from pouring more with her hand. Trevor laughed. "Don't be creepy, Captain Benson," he laughed.
He handed her some salt, salt it, then rub the salt in to the salmon skin.
"What? With my hands? Yuck, no thanks…"
He cocked his head to the side and stared at her with reproach, "Olivia, do you want to be useless in the kitchen forever?" he pressed but he was trying not to laugh.
She made a face and salted the skin as directed and gingerly touched the fish, rubbing her fingertips across the surface, closing her eyes and looking like she wanted to throw up.
"Oh my goodness!" he exclaimed with mock-exasperation, "out of the way," he told her, "It's not alive! Its not going to bite."
He rolled the sleeves up of his work shirt that he'd not bothered to change from yet. Olivia washed her hands, glad to have gotten out of touching it. He rubbed the salt in to the skin without any concern and Olivia leaned back against the kitchen sink and smiled at him. He looked sexy, moving around and taking charge in her apartment, she thought.
"Okay why don't you get me a plate and get some bread crumbs, an egg and some flour..."
She made a face but did what she was told. Trevor made up a little batter and washed his hands, taking the chicken from the packaging and crumbed it expertedly.
"Would you like a drink while you do all this work?" Olivia asked him.
"Sure..." he nodded to the carrier bag at the end of the kitchen counter. "I bought a bottle of something for you…" he smiled, "its still in the bag."
Olivia went to grab it. She grinned; a top end bottle of single malt whisky. It was too early to open it, not with Lucy around and Noah still awake. "Ooh thank you, probably should start with a wine first though, right?" she joked, taking the bottle and putting it out of the way.
Trevor chuckled.
"Lucy, would you like a glass of wine?" Olivia asked her nanny who she could hear talking to her son and going over his spelling words.
"No thanks Liv, I'm due at my next job in 40 minutes, I better not."
Olivia laughed, "Okay, better not," she agreed. She grabbed a glass for herself and Trevor and filled it up.
She went around to the living room and found Lucy grinning at her knowingly. Olivia's cheeks flushed as she sipped her wine. "How's the spelling going, babe?" she asked Noah.
"Good," he replied with a sigh, "I don't want to do it anymore."
"Okay, what do you think Lucy?" Olivia asked, glancing at her son's young Nanny. "Do you think he needs to work on it more, are we good?"
"We're good, he's got them all, Liv… he's doing so good, and Noah, did you tell Mom how you're doing at math?" she asked.
Olivia looked at her son expectantly, "I can do the big sums with numbers over 50," he told her.
"Whoa, big guns! I'm very proud of you," she told him, making her way to her son, kissing his forehead. "You're so smart, kiddo, maybe too smart for me," she joked, tousling his hair.
Lucy grinned at Liv, "Do you mind if I get going?"
"Of course – and I'm off for the week… I'm not cutting your hours, but you don't need to come over unless you want to, I've got things here…"
"Oh," Lucy seemed surprised, "well, you don't have to pay me if you don't need me, Liv, that's crazy." She stood up, grabbing her own things.
"No," Olivia argued, "it's not fair of me to spring it on you, just… look at it as some paid time, you deserve it."
"How about I come over and help Noah with his homework as usual and if you have any errands or whatever, you can do them and I can hang out with Noah…but I'm very happy to turn up as usual."
"I know you are and that's why I love you," Liv smiled, "but you deserve a break too. Let's play it by ear and if I need you, I'll call but feel free to make plans as though I don't."
"Okay… but homework as usual at the very least, for routine."
"Okay," Liv agreed. "Noah say goodbye to Lucy…"
Noah got up and gave his Nanny a hug. "Can you come tomorrow after school?" he asked, "Mommy doesn't play the same games with me that you do," he pouted.
"Noah," Lucy said softly, feeling embarrassed, "I'm coming to help out with your homework and we can do flash cards, but you and Mommy can have some time together as well."
Olivia tried not to take it personally; the fact of the matter was that Lucy and Noah did have a routine that she wasn't part of and it was never ever fair of her to feel jealous of that if she wanted the relationship between the three of them to work.
She glanced at Trevor who gave her an empathetic look. She took a mouthful of her wine and said nothing.
"I know, but can't you come here too?" he asked hopefully, reaching his arms up for another cuddle. Lucy obliged him.
"I think it'll be good for you and Mommy to spend some time together," Lucy replied, "you could teach Mommy the games that we play and when I come back, you can teach me the games that Mom has taught you…"
He sighed.
Olivia couldn't deal with it, she went left them to it. She wasn't mad or angry with Lucy but it was a stark reminder that she didn't spend enough time with her child.
Trevor washed his hands and came to Olivia's side, slipping an arm around her waist. He knew it had to be hard to hear her son almost admit that he'd prefer his Nanny to be there with him and his Mom. He gave her a squeeze. She glanced at him and acknowledged his comfort with a weak smile.
Lucy broke free of Noah. She looked at Liv, almost ashamed.
"Liv, could I have a word?" she wondered sweetly.
"Of course," Olivia responded.
"Hey Noah!" Trevor called, "come over here for a second and let me show you something cool…" Noah looked up and bounded over to Trevor, recovering from his little display of emotion.
Olivia stepped outside the apartment, following Lucy out. She closed the door behind her. "Olivia, I am so sorry about that," she started, her guilt taking over.
Olivia reached for her nanny's shoulder and gave it a gentle squeeze, "No, Lucy," she said quickly, cocking her head, also feeling terrible. "Honey, please don't apologise, you and Noah spend so much time together, I'm not stupid, I'm at work a lot and lately, he's not been getting the best of me—" she decided to be open and honest, "the truth is, there's been a really hard case that I've been working on and it's bringing up a lot of things for me, so I need a break. I need to take some time and reconnect with Noah and enjoy life a little."
"Liv, you deserve to enjoy yourself and when you're not here, you know Noah always pines for you to be here…"
Olivia smiled. "I know, I'm not mad Luce, and I don't feel sad or jealous, I just need you to know that if I've been off or … a little disconnected with Noah and even with yourself."
"You seem a lot lighter around Trevor," Lucy replied, "its nice to see that, Olivia. You and Noah both deserve it,"
"It's nice, but … its difficult. I don't want Noah to get hurt," she blurted out quietly, "he's already attached. Am I doing the wrong thing here Lucy?" she asked, knowing that her Nanny was probably only as experienced as she was in that area.
"I can't tell you that Liv, you know Noah as well as I do – we know that he's resilient and if it doesn't work out with Trevor, it'll be alright, he'll get through it – but don't make decisions for yourself based on Noah. He's still very young, he can adjust; you deserve your happiness with all that you've been through these past few years."
Liv nodded slowly and managed a troubled smile.
"Why don't I make plans for Noah and I to have a special night at my mother's on Friday and give you and Trevor a night alone… it's too early to be living in domestic bliss, right?" she joked.
Olivia finally laughed. "I dunno, it feels comfortable… but you're right, date nights are important. That'd be nice, thanks Lucy."
"You're welcome, enjoy your night with your two men," she flashed her boss a smile and leaned in to give her a hug. Olivia held her tight for a moment, grateful for the young woman who was yet another important component to her family.
She watched her head down the stairs with a little wave.
"Do I have to eat that one?" Noah screwed his nose up at the two pieces of salmon frying on the stove top.
"Yeah," Trevor replied, not cracking a smile. "It looks yummy huh?" he almost cracked a smile.
"I don't think I'll like it," Noah said carefully.
"Why not?" Trevor asked, setting the tongs down carefully and grabbing Noah, sliding him a little further across the kitchen counter away from the shallow oil in the pan. He didn't want him to get spattered when he began to cook the chicken.
"I'm just kidding," he told the small boy when he looked worried about offending. "I am making you a giant chicken nugget."
"oOoh," he replied, "I love chicken nuggets, I've never had a big one before…"
Trevor smiled at him and turned the salmon, skin down. They both looked up to see Olivia re-entering. She smiled to see them both by the stove. She picked up her glass and Trevor watched her guzzle it straight down.
"Hey…" Trev called to her. She glanced at him almost guiltily, holding on to the empty glass. "C'mon over here, we're making Noah's giant chicken nugget."
Olivia stood in front of Noah, to the side of the stove a little. "Wow, look at that, that looks yummy, doesn't it?" she asked Noah, "Did you know Trevor is making that special just for you?"
He nodded with a smile. Olivia felt Trevor linking an arm around her waist.
"It smells good, Trevor…" she remarked. "Thank you for making dinner for Noah and I again."
He smiled at Liv and pressed his lips against her temple. "It's my pleasure."
Dinner was uneventful. They put on a movie and Noah seemed to comfortably climb his way between them and somehow ended up sprawled all over both of them and fell asleep.
Around three quarters of the way through the movie, Liv decided it was time to put Noah to bed. She yawned and turned to Trevor but realized he was also sleeping. She smiled at both of her boys but she knew Noah had to go to bed and Trevor probably needed a comfortable night's rest too. Despite it only being just on 8, Olivia eased up and tried not to disturb either of them.
Once up, she scooped Noah up and carried him to his room. She covered him up and kissed his forehead goodnight.
She couldn't help but to chuckle to herself; Trevor was slouched down in his work pants still, his shirt was unbuttoned a little and half untucked. She leaned over him and took his face in her hands. "Trev, wake up honey…"
He took a deep breath and opened his eyes, a little startled. Once his eyes adjusted to Olivia, a smile fell over his pink lips. "Hi…" she greeted him softly, "you look uncomfortable…"
"Hello yourself," he murmured, reaching up for her, pulling her close until his lips met with hers.
"Did you bring a change of clothes or something to sleep in?" she wondered.
"Yeah… might go have a shower if that's alright," he said, "if I go to bed too early, I'll be awake all night."
"Okay…" she agreed, standing back up, taking his hand as if she was helping him up, but she knew she wasn't helping much of anything. Trevor got himself off the couch and Olivia went to get him a towel. She followed him to her bedroom and watched him get out some jocks and some gym pants; a fresh tank.
"How are you going after that whole thing with Lucy and Noah, earlier?" he asked. She sat on the edge of her bed and shrugged. She watched Trevor zip his overnight bag and put it aside. He moved the folded change of clothes out of the way for a moment.
"It is what it is, I try not to get upset about it. I'm well aware that Lucy's job is to create a close rapport with my son so it feels less like a babysitter and more like someone else that he can turn to and rely on and trust besides me."
"Yeah but… I'm sure it doesn't feel great when he expresses that he'd like her to be there all the time," Trevor suggested carefully.
Olivia considered his words and leaned her head on his shoulder. "It's tough sometimes but Lucy is great and she felt bad too… I know its just Noah wanting whatever he can't have in the moment."
"Yeah, that's right. Last night he didn't mention Lucy at all, it was all, "Mom this, Mom that…'" he explained, "he cried twice for you and we almost had tears a third time when he realized he had to go to sleep without you being there…"
"Do you think I'm a bad Mom?" Olivia asked, her sensitivity striking him in the moment. He hadn't expected such a question.
He laughed in surprise, "Are you kidding?" he asked, "No, Liv, you are fantastic as a mother… you are so maternal and sweet and I love watching you with Noah, it's kind of…" he paused and smiled at her cheekily, "it's a bit of a turn on…"
She managed a laugh.
"You are a great mother, you are capable, kind, loving and you always put him first."
"But I've felt so guilty for the past few months," she sighed, "I just don't know how I can keep doing it all…"
"You just do it, Liv, that's what you do – you're already doing it. You're taking a break and listening to your heart and I think that's incredibly admirable. You're doing the right thing for Noah and more importantly for you. You are no good to anyone if you're not in a good place."
She nodded slowly. "Thanks Trevor… you always say the right things…" she let a smile cross her lips as she looked up in to his eyes. He caressed her jawline, staring at her intently. He pressed his mouth against hers.
"Better go have that shower…" she told him with a little smile, resting her hand against his shoulder.
Trevor smiled. "Are you sure you're okay with me being here?" he asked, checking to be certain.
"Yeah, I really want you here…" she admitted. "I'm just tired still too, I think and I feel weird about not having much to do for a week... but I'm excited that I get to see you and I get to spend some time with Noah without having to worry about much else."
"I was excited to see you too," he admitted, "I love hanging out with you, cooking dinner, spending time with Noah too."
Olivia smiled to hear this, "I'm glad you are so kind to him, that's a serious deal breaker for me, you know?" she added. "I know it would be the same if I was hideous around Eloise."
He smiled. "No, I quite liked watching you with Eloise," he replied, "in fact, it made me less concerned about having you around when she is around too…"
"I don't have a choice here but to throw caution to the wind now with Noah, he likes you a lot and I think you guys have already created a little bit of a bond and that's my fault for letting it happen so quickly, but honestly… I'm trusting you to not break his little heart – I don't even care about me at this point," she admitted.
Trevor took her face in his hands and kissed her lips. "I'm not going to break your heart and I'm certainly not going to break Noah's heart, I can promise that."
"Okay…" she nodded, choosing to believe him. He eyed her for a few moments until he was certain that his words held their weight. He kissed her again.
Trevor released her and got up, "okay shower time…"
Olivia left him to it and went to the kitchen to do a quick tidy up. She heard her phone chime. She sighed and picked it up and checked the message. "Liv, I tried to contact you today at work to make sure you were okay after last night but Fin said you're taking some time. I just wanted to say that I was sorry if I exacerbated any weird feelings about what you've been through and just wanted to know how you were."
She read over the message twice and sighed heavily. "I'm fine Elliot. I have good supports in my life now. Yes, I am taking some time and I won't be working on the Sanchez case going forward. Thanks."
She felt heaviness sitting in her chest that didn't feel good. She was torn between the feeling of desperately wanting to patch things up with Elliot and wanting to never see him again.
She walked down the hall away past Noah's bedroom right til the end til she reached the bathroom where she could hear the shower running. She went to knock on the door but paused. Being vulnerable was too much; too hard, it was easier to just retreat in to her shell.
She took a few deep breaths. It was all new and it was all scary but soon it would be second nature to her, she thought as she knocked, closing her eyes, awaiting his response.
"Come in…" he called out.
She let herself in to the bathroom, the steam of the hot-water swirled around before her, creating fog on the glass and beads of condensation on the mirror. She could make out his back behind the shower screen and smiled to herself when she noticed he had to duck a little to get under the spray of the water.
"What's up?" he asked, opening the shower screen just slightly ajar so she could hear him.
"I just got a text from Elliot and it's made me feel weird… I dunno, its okay," she said quickly, changing her mind, avoiding looking at him, "sorry, have your shower, I'm just being silly."
"No wait…" he stopped her, grabbing her with a damp hand, "its okay… why don't you get in here with me?" he gave her an innocent smile, "I'll give you a hug and we can talk about it…"
She thought about being naked with him under the warmth of the water and couldn't help but to smile. "I hope you're not going to try any funny business," she joked.
He didn't say anything but smiled at her, cocking his head as if to tell her to stop it. She disrobed, and put her things on top of a towel so it didn't get wet from the steam. She opened the shower screen door and took a step in, feeling a little self-conscious.
He turned around to face her, his strong, muscular back, twisting around as the water trickled down his face, down his neck, mapping the droplets down south from his chest.
He was a sight. He ran his fingers through his wet hair and smiled at her. "Come here…" his hands rested on her waist, sliding around until he pressed her against him. He felt her bare breasts against his chest and closed his eyes. She always felt so right against his frame, her body fit perfectly within his. He pressed his lips against her forehead as he smoothed her back.
"What did Elliot say?" he wanted to know.
She managed a light laugh, "he was trying to be nice, asking how I was after last night… and I want to work it out with him, but… I also want him to disappear again, I don't have the capacity to work through all these fucking abandonment issues…" she blurted out.
She felt Trevor give her a little squeeze. "The boyfriend in me says stay the fuck away, but the man in me who wants you to get through it, says that you should maybe try to sit down with him… don't necessarily try to tackle the big things all at once, just… shoot the breeze, catch up – talk about the big things later when you're both feeling less apprehensive."
Olivia pulled away from him slightly and looked up in to his beautiful intense eyes. "I know it makes you feel weird, like you think I have some hidden feelings for Elliot, but … honestly, I don't… Maybe I did, maybe I wanted things to be different ten years ago Trevor, but that's over now… I want you and I don't want to be with anyone else."
He gave her a little smile. "Thank you," he murmured, "for saying that, it does make me feel a little better about it… I'm scared too, you know, I have abandonment issues as well, so it does help to hear that."
She smiled back at him. He leaned down to graze his lips along hers.
She wrapped her arms around him and let him pull her beneath the spray of the water. He chuckled, as she winced and tried to avoid the water in her face. He pushed her wet hair from her face and stepped in front of it, to shield her face from the full force of the shower spout.
"This does not feel attractive," she laughed, wiping water from her eyes.
He laughed, "you look adorable as usual," he replied, kissing her wet lips. Olivia reached up and took his rough, prickled cheeks in her hands and pulled him closer, feeling overcome with affection for him.
He was surprised, but went with it. He felt her tongue fill his mouth, sparking an instant arousal in him that made him come to life. He pulled away, "hey… w-w-wait," he murmured, "you can't do that," he laughed, "I don't want to be a pig," he said, glancing down, trying to get her to understand what he was getting at.
"A little flattering at least," she replied. "But… sorry," her hands left his face and slipped down his chest slowly and he realized that she knew exactly what she was doing.
She watched her own hands, avoiding his eyes. He lowered his head til they were nose-to-nose. He nudged her gently upward with his until she met his eyes. "Hey…" he whispered, letting one of his large hands fall from her waist to her backside, squeezing her soft flesh.
"Mmm?"
"What are you trying to do to me?" he asked, with a little smile. She seemed serious, but as soon as the words reached her, the very hint of her own smile seemed to cross her lips.
"It's just that when you refer to yourself as my boyfriend… it does things to me," she admitted.
He chuckled, "Yeah?"
She gazed in to his hypnotic eyes and nodded slowly.
"Yeah…"
"What kind of things?" he pressed, letting his hands explore their way around her bare skin. He felt her press herself against him and he knew that she wasn't playing around.
Her hands smoothed firmly along his back to his shoulders, digging in slightly, causing him to arch himself just a little; pushing his pelvis against hers. "What kind of things?" he pressed again, a little more firmly, taking her chin between his hands. He kissed her warm mouth briefly, letting his hand move down her neck, settling upon her shoulder.
"You turn my insides to mush…" she answered finally, "when you're being so sweet to me, it just… makes me feel like you have…" she hesitated, looking away from his eyes.
"Say it," her commanded softly, "finish that sentence, Olivia."
"It makes me feel like you already have a piece of my heart…"
He smiled and softly pressed his lips against hers, lingering, tasting the sweetness of the wine they had with dinner.
He reached down, letting his hands rest against her soft fleshy cheeks. He hoisted her up without warning which in the past had taken her by surprise and amused her, but this was serious now, she thought. It was serious in that she wanted him so much and his understanding and kindness had been a surprising and incredible turn on.
She had no complaints, not even when he turned around and pushed her back against the cold bathroom tiles. He felt her jolt from the shock and felt a little bad, but the feeling got lost in the cloud of lust that took over as he kissed her hard and passionately, feeling the making of an erection beneath them.
The water ran over his hair, down his face, getting in his eyes. He tried to ignore it, letting a hand explore her breasts, thumbing over the sensitive part of her nipple, bringing it to a peak. She groaned in to his mouth, causing his excitement to grow.
He leaned over and turned the tap off.
"What are you doing?" she exclaimed, a little frustrated.
"Olivia, I have water in my eyes," he laughed, "I think we need to take this to the bedroom…" he paused, staring at her, "is that okay?"
She nodded. "Yeah, probably a good idea, I would hate for you to not be able to see what you're doing."
He laughed, slowly letting go of her, she slid down to her feet. He opened the shower screen and grabbed a towel and wrapped it around his waist and grabbed her own from the rack on the wall and opened it out for her, wrapping it around her shoulders.
"Thanks…" she smiled. He kissed her lips and grabbed both of their piles of clothes and let her lead the way to the bedroom. Olivia closed the door behind them.
Trevor wiped himself dry and dropped the towel to the floor and took a seat on the foot of the bed; shameless in his nudity. Olivia let her eyes sweep over him; he was a big guy with the heart of gold. His playful smile spread across his mouth as he nodded her over to him. When she neared close enough, he reached for her wrist and pulled her closer between his open legs. He tugged gently at her towel that she had wrapped around her and tucked securely beneath her arm.
"What do you think you're doing?" she asked him, raising an eyebrow in the dimly lit bedroom.
"Getting close to you…" he replied, tugging a little more forcefully until the towel came apart and fell away from her curves. He knew that if she truly wasn't interested in him getting her naked and taking her to bed, she would have protested or moved away from him once he'd turned the taps off - or even as quickly as they had got to the bedroom, but instead she stood, eyeing him with intent.
He tossed the towel aside on top of his and let his eyes linger over her form for a moment. Her self-consciousness was replaced now by her vulnerability that she wasn't afraid to show him anymore. Still, he was sensitive to her feelings and rested his hands upon her hips and drew her toward him, planting a soft kiss against her stomach.
Olivia let go of a breath at the touch of his lips on her skin – it had been only two nights ago but she hadn't stop thinking about the intimacy between them. Her legs felt like jelly and they buckled slightly. Trevor pulled her in to his lap, letting his hands smooth slowly over the curve of her breast. She aligned her mouth with his and kissed him briefly.
Trevor kissed her back, breaking it every time their lips connected, both teasing her and frustrating her. "Wait…" Olivia stopped him. She was suddenly awash with a feeling of irresponsibility, "should we be doing this?" she asked him, thinking of her son.
He pulled away from her, "what?"
"Noah is just down the hall…" she reminded him. "I haven't had to ever worry about this-" she was conflicted.
He didn't want to push away her feelings or try to shut her up with more kisses despite how badly he wanted her. He tried to let out a heave of air without making it sound like a heavy sigh. "I'm not going to tell you what to do…" he replied, "its your call, I'm not going to have you resent me for anything I say."
She cocked her head to the side, feeling his fingers smoothing her hair, his fingertips grazing her shoulders. "Would you feel comfortable sleeping with me in your house if Eloise was there?" she asked, hating that she had just all but ruined the moment with her sudden sense of responsibility.
He let his eyes sweep over her face, "honestly? yes… just because I have a daughter doesn't mean I can't have private time with my Olivia;," he gave her a reassuring smile, "it just means I need to make use of the lock on my door and stay quiet so we don't disturb her sleep—and," he paused, "just be aware of the right time and place."
She rested her hands on his shoulders, he could practically see her brain turning. He didn't want her to feel pressure or to feel like she had to have the same values on the matter as he did. "Olivia," he began, "it's okay if you don't feel comfortable, I don't want to push you in to anything."
She raked her fingers through her own hair and sighed, feeling torn. "I am trying to just … remind myself to slow this all down because of how … I feel about you…"
He gave her a slight smile and took her hands. He tucked a lock of her damp hair behind her ear and slid his arms around her. "I know how I feel right now, Liv and I'm okay with you having strong feelings as well. I am so fucking attracted to you and it's weird because we are so different but… I relate to everything that comes out of this beautiful mouth of yours…" he paused to kiss her. "You are an enigma, Olivia Benson and everything you do and say makes me excited to be spending time with you – in this capacity or even just to be beside you – it's your call."
"What gives you the right…" she let her voice trail off with a laugh of disbelief.
He looked alarmed for a second, "What did I say?"
She chuckled again and kissed him back. "You are just… too good to be true and I always tell others if it is too good to be true, it usually is and it makes me very, very nervous, Trevor, I'm not going to lie."
He kissed her. "I happen to know for a fact that you are too good to be true – some may venture to call you something of a unicorn…"
She laughed.
"But, am I alone in how I feel? I mean, is this crazy? I just…"
"It is crazy," she murmured, closing the distance between their lips, "but you're not alone and I really want you…"
"I'm yours, Olivia," he replied, staring at her mouth, feeling his words against her lips.
She grinned and kissed him, "You can't keep this shit up, Trevor, my insides are going to burst with emotion…"
"Good," he grinned back cheekily. He kissed her urgently; his warm mouth crushing against hers with passion and the build-up of tension and emotions that had just been exchanged but that neither had fully exposed to one another yet.
Trevor's hand slid from her back around to her chest, covering her breast with his hand.
Olivia gasped as he had figured out already how much she enjoyed his touch just gently grazing her hardened nipples. He slowed his kisses, swirling his tongue inside her mouth, pulling her closer so that she could feel the bulge of his erection. He couldn't help but to let out a low groan in to her mouth, feeling her connect with him.
He pulled his mouth away from hers, feeling her back arch and her neck tilt with pleasure at the feel of his hands firmly finding their way around her breasts. He kissed his way slow down her neck, letting his wide, open mouth linger over skin leaving a wet trail over her throat and down to her collarbone.
She sighed with pleasure, feeling his tongue massaging against her soft skin.
He broke away from her briefly. "I think you better get in to bed, I'll make sure the door's locked," he told her matter-of-factly.
Even if Olivia had reservations, she was too weak to fight them. Her whole body was aflame with want for his body; for him to bury himself deeply inside of her. She wanted to replicate the feelings that she had encountered a few nights earlier.
She pulled back the covers and slid beneath them, covering herself up. Trevor locked the door and slid in to her small queen bed beside her. He planted a few soft kisses over Olivia's face, finding her breasts again. He pushed her on to her back and felt her creating a space between her legs for him. He lowered himself over her, covering her body with his.
Olivia couldn't help herself, she rolled her hips against his erection, watching his eyes fall shut in delight. "Stop it, you're making me ache for you…" he murmured bluntly. She let her hands smooth over his back down to his backside, squeezing his flesh. She could tell he liked it by the way he sighed between kisses.
He took one of Olivia's mounds of flesh in his mouth and swirled his tongue around and around her hardened peaks until she was tingling and her breathing became laboured. He nipped at her softly, careful not to hurt, but to tease her.
It seemed to work, Olivia writhed beneath him, doing her best not to make a sound. "Shit…" she hissed, letting her eyes close for a brief moment.
He lifted his head and looked her in the eye as he made a little show of circling her nipple with his tongue.
Olivia's eyes fell shut immediately again with the heady lust that filled her entire body. She was confronted by how blatant he was with his actions, the efforts he went to to pleasure her – how he didn't just move on after a minute or so of foreplay.
"You better stop…" she managed to whisper, clearing her throat, "keep up this pace and you'll be late for work…"
He chuckled, meeting her lips again for another passionate and urgent kiss, tasting her tongue and exploring her warm mouth. "Fuck it," he replied, "I'll take a day of leave," he joked.
Olivia laughed and pushed him off of her. He thought she was calling time, but he felt her hand rubbing her tummy as she lay against his side, curling against him, kissing him as her hand caressed him lower and lower. "What are you doing?"
"What do you think?" she asked him, "I'm about to touch you…"
Olivia wrapped her hand around his erection. His size seemed to dwarf her hand just like every other part of him. "You're so hard…" she remarked, feeling stupid for stating the obvious.
He chuckled, turning his head to meet her lips briefly. She stroked his length back and forth, letting her thumb brush over his circumcised head. He let out a soft sigh, "mmmm," he murmured a groan, "that feels so good," he told her.
She felt his hands reaching for her, stroking her back, his other hand falling over his breasts clumsily, losing his inhibitions. "Could you…" he began, "could you go a bit faster?" he asked. She loved that he was open enough to ask for what he wanted without being demanding.
She did as he was asked and reached underneath him to give attention to all parts of him. "Fuck…" he hissed. He grabbed her wrist tightly, "stop, or I'll come…"
Olivia let out a little laugh, letting go of him.
He flipped her back over, having a little bit left in his reserve. Olivia loved when he was able to position her exactly as he wanted her with little effort. She found it to be such a turn on. "Are you almost ready for me?" he asked.
"Almost?" she asked with a chuckle. "Sweetheart, I am more than ready for you…"
"Better just to make sure…" he murmured, kissing her breasts and planting a trail of warm kisses down her stomach, using his hands to caress the insides of her thighs.
Olivia knew what was coming. She rested back upon her elbows so she could watch him. She felt him planting soft kisses above her opening. It felt confronting and intoxicating to watch. She felt his warm breath against her apex. She sighed and let her head drop back.
She didn't have to anticipate his tongue for long. There it was, she thought, swiping along her, tasting her. Olivia flopped back on to her pillow, weakened by his mouth covering her. She felt him slip his fingers inside of her, exploring her as his tongue swirled around her clitoris the same way that it had in her mouth and around her nipples.
Olivia couldn't help but writhe around around beneath him, feeling overwhelmed by all the nerve endings that seemed to spark and pulse throughout her body.
Trevor grabbed her hips to steady her and started to read the signs that she was almost ready to climax. He eased off, kissing his way back up to her mouth. She tried not to be put off by him going in for a kiss, not thinking about her feelings on the matter.
Frankly, she just wanted him inside of her – nothing else seemed to matter except her pure want for him.
He pushed himself inside of her and suddenly she felt at ease. She forgot her surroundings for a second and went to groan out loud, but Trevor extinguished it with a kiss before it was released in to the air.
"Shhh…" he reminded her as he pulled away, pushing himself deeper within her walls. He gave her a moment to get used to him she took a deep breath and felt him take her hands, lacing his fingers through hers, pushing them down against either side of her head against the pillow as he began to thrust inside of her.
She moved with him, meeting his thrusts with the roll of her pelvis, feeling him hit deeper each time their hips crushed together. She was turned on by how well he moved and how much he got off on teasing her. He pulled himself all the way out of her, pausing to build her anticipation.
"Don't fuck around with me…" she muttered impatiently with a chuckle.
He chuckled too. "Okay, I'll get of-"
"Don't you dare," she warned him as he buried himself within her again, swiftly enough for her to feel as though she was melting against the mattress beneath her, her mind becoming a mess of dizziness and intoxication.
He leaned down and kissed her mouth, her cheeks, her jawline, knowing that he was surely head over heels in love with her and how crazy it was that it had struck him so quickly without warning.
He wanted to give her his best and he most certainly was.
"Can you…" she was breathless, barely able to continue, but she knew she was close, "faster…" she added, hoping he could string together her unintelligible attempt at direction.
He quickened his speed and gave short, deep thrusts that hit her centre, making her feel as though she could evaporate; as though every tiny nerve-ending throughout her body tingled to the point of black-out. She realized that as their trust and intimacy grew, their sex could only improve and become more mind-blowing.
She felt herself tensing up. Trevor kissed her, "Get it…" he said softly.
She was already coming and felt herself completely giving in to it, her inhibitions had been lost somewhere around the time he buried his face between her legs.
He continued to thrust inside of her, making her legs tremble and spasm. She felt his hands gripping hers tightly as his own body tensed as an orgasm tore through him, filling her up and spilling out.
"Fuck…" she cursed, clapping her hand against her forehead, self-loathe filling her for the moment.
"What?" he asked, alarmed, pulling out of her and laying down beside her, breathless.
"Protection…" she muttered, still panting. Her head was still fuzzy and she could barely think straight but the sensation of him inside of her was immediately sobering.
"Oh-" he "fuck, Liv, I'm sorry. I should have-"
"I know better than that…" she sat up, frustrated with herself, ignoring the head-spin that engulfed her. She steadied herself on the edge of her bed, her back to him.
She felt his hands curl around her shoulder. "What can I do? This is my fault—I'm so sorry," he was apologetic and concerned that she would shut down on him.
"Its just as much my fault." She twisted around to see his face. "Please tell me you're safe."
He slipped his arms around the front of her and kissed her warm nape. "I'm safe, I promise. I know for certain that I'm 100% safe."
She seemed to accept his answer, realizing that he was sincere. She let out a sigh. "Still…"
"We got carried away. Is there a chance you can still get pr-" he asked gingerly, not wanting to spoil what had just happened between them, but really it was his only concern.
"No," she said, "I'm on birth control," she replied, "for other reasons," she added awkwardly, not wanting him to think she made a habit of sleeping around. "I'm safe too," she said, giving him credit for the fact that he hadn't bothered to ask, not wanting to insult her despite her questioning him.
He pulled her close to him. "We're both safe. You can't get pregnant, we'll not make the mistake again," he promised softly, kissing her cheek.
She seemed to relent. "I'm sorry for freaking out…"
"No," he shook his head, "its okay, you're right we both should know better given our line of work."
"I need the bathroom," she told him, getting up and stopping to pick up her towel to wrap around herself.
"Do you want me to go?" he asked, wondering if they were okay or if she was upset with him and needed to be alone. "I mean- are you-"
She turned to him and gave him a funny look. He knew immediately that her concern had been eased - either that or she managed to shut it down to worry about later. "No Trevor, I don't want you to go… in fact, maybe you need to join me in the bathroom for another rinse off…. But, I gotta pee first."
Trevor smiled and scooted to the edge of the bed to pick up his own towel. "Okay, give me the signal when I can come in."