Hi, yes, I is back. I take my sweet time but I'm always back. Thanks for waiting for me, for those who are still reading and commenting this, I love y'all 3 ;; And specially my pal Cactus, who's always cheering me up with this, love ya bb 3. THIS ONES FOR U, THERE IS A HUG OK. I kept my end of the deal (?).

Anygays, have 4k words of, uh, words :D

Wednesday morning, Elsa woke up with a start.

Not the kind of startle that happens because of a nightmare, where everything spins from sitting up too quickly. The other kind, the worst kind. The one that occurs at the slightest sound of footsteps, at the squeak that comes with the opening of a door, at the sudden noise of something falling with seemingly no reason in the middle of the night.

One of the worst ways to get back to consciousness, if she had to be honest. It brought Elsa from the world of dreams to impending and unavoidable realities. Even if, with a quick glance at the ceiling lights, she knew she was in a safe place. All of this nothing more than her imagination from recent pasts.

Elsa breathed in through her nose, rubbing her eyes with cold hands, trying to lower the sudden frenzy a bit and the cold taking over her stomach.

Another noise, again. Akin to the crunch of a wrapper.

Still somnolent, Elsa raised her head. Cati had this giant L-shaped sofa, and they fitted the inflatable mattress against it like a Tetris. The table was moved to the side, with empty glasses, a potpourri of junk both sweet and salty, bottles of soda, and the Dr. Lemon they opened with the approval of the adult at home (and the promise it was the only thing with alcohol in it). They settled for cleaning up in the morning, as no one wanted to clean at three a.m.

The dog found them first.

"Ugh, no, Bobby." With a low whine, Elsa let her head fall back against the pillow with a thud. He was supposed to stay upstairs, so he wouldn't be all over them all night. Mostly because Melisa was afraid of dogs, even if Bobby was the tamest Bernese Mountain dog that could exist. "Bobby, stop chewing that."

Elsa called him with a whisper, trying to get his attention with a snap of her fingers, slowly to not make too much noise. Nothing. Perhaps it was her low spirit and the fact that the best she could offer was a scratch behind the ears. So, with all of the world's lethargy, Elsa sat down, careful not to cause too much movement.

A quick look confirmed that she was the only one awake still. Cati with her back turned to her, Emma snoring softly at the other end, Melisa covered from head to toe in one end of the sofa, and Camila still as a mummy at the other. Or rather, Elsa and Bobby, who decided had enough Doritos crumbs and was now going for something sweet from the table.

Running a hand through her hair with a heavy sigh, Elsa stood up carefully and managed to grab the packet of cookies before Bobby could take a bite. She earned an inquisitive look from him, and she just patted him on the head, then proceeded to grab as many packets as she could to take back to the kitchen, right next to the main dining room.

By logic, the door was closed. Elsa put her ear over the wood first, just to know if she should knock before entering. Being met with silence, she pulled down the handle with her elbow and went through.

Elsa was never the type to move with such confidence in someone else's home. The only exceptions were some specific relative's houses and, of course, Cati's. Maybe it was the fact that they lived so close to one another, spending evenings after school or sleeping over was something common ever since they became friends at thirteen. Most of Cati's family knew her by now, and they went on vacations and weekend getaways together. Even her mother, yesterday when they got back from the mall, hugged her in a way that almost made Elsa cry in front of everyone.

It was one of those things that made her snap back to reality. The current one, where her mom was no longer anywhere to hug anyone, and her house wasn't her house anymore, but that of her aunt and uncle's and her sister's. That reminded her this wasn't a simple outing with friends, as when they went out to the movies the first Sunday of February. This was all to distract her . Elsa told herself that much the day before. That she needed to move on as if nothing happened. Go out.

"Elsa, the hell are you doing?"

Elsas didn't know how she didn't scream. What she did do, was jump and hug the snacks close to her body that she realized only now, she was still holding.

"Catalina!" she exclaimed, hand on her chest while setting everything down on the counter with the other. Her friend made little effort to hide her surprised laugh, earning an offended stare. "God, you almost gave me a heart attack."

Cati rolled her eyes as an answer, at the same time she closed the kitchen door. As, yes, Elsa paid attention to those kinds of details. To observe was crucial, to then decide if to take action upon it or not.

At the moment, given who it was, it would be the latter.

"No, seriously. Why are you doing that now? I don't think it's even six a.m."

And for the first time in the morning, Elsa turned to see the clock over the kitchen threshold. It wasn't even five-thirty.

"Your bear woke me up." She nodded in the direction of the tricolor coat that was now walking towards his owner. "He almost ate the Milka, wrapper and everything."

Elsa held up the chocolate sandwich cookies as emphasis, half empty. She wasn't an expert but knew that chocolate was toxic for dogs, and Bobby had a strict diet.

Cati looked at him with a frown as she put her hair up in a bun.

"You want another visit to the vet, boy?" She crouched down to his level and squished his cheeks."It's too early for you to be this hungry."

Bobby barked in protest.

Still, between baby talks and negotiations, Cati managed to persuade him to go out into the garden instead of filling his bowl with food.

Elsa simply stared with curiosity from her place, leaning against the counter and feeling the cold of the floor on her bare feet. It had been raining at wee hours of the morning for the past three days, and the dampness from the dew was still heavy, making the air almost tangible as it entered the lungs.

However, she wasn't uncomfortable. Cati's kitchen was out of a catalog, pristine with white cabinets and black granite countertops. The type she saw in magazines from the early 2000s her mother bought on sale at bazaars. She always said she loved this kitchen, in fact, and every time she visited she would start talking about renovating theirs.

Her dad would say he liked the way it was built in the early eighties, that white walls with wood cabinets created a warm atmosphere that reminded him of his childhood home, for some reason. And her mom ended up agreeing that changing qualities made no sense. Until the idea reappeared months later, and so on. And when they finally decided to buy white paint for the cupboards last year, Elsa got pneumonia that left her in the hospital. And then it didn't make sense, if they were going to divorce.

"What?" She heard, and Elsa came out of her mind to realize Cati was talking to her from the end of the kitchen, her back against the backyard door frame.

"What about what?"Elsa frowned, confused.

She received a shrug in response.

"I don't know, you're the one staring."

A moment passed where they looked at each other in confusion, not understanding much. Elsa attributed the lack of reaction and her slowness to not being fully awake yet.

"Oh! Uh, sorry." Elsa rubbed her eyes back and walked up to the door to lean against the other side of the frame. Suddenly she didn't want to see window reflections on the kitchen island anymore. "I just spaced out, thinking."

Better to see Bobby get dangerously close to a flower bush.

"What about?" It was enough for Cati to look at her for two seconds, that he was already nibbling on some leaves, and Elsa couldn't hide her surprise at the audacity of this animal. "Bobby! Leave the plants!"

"Nothing, nothing. Nevermind." Elsa took advantage of the distraction to continue the conversation, and perhaps manage to escape. What was the point of remembering these things, anyway? The more she told herself that she had to move on, the more her head was bent on observing details and resurfacing the most useless memories of the most mundane things.

"Ay, don't be like that. Now I wanna know." Cati tugged at the edge of her pajama top. Slowly, but insistent nonetheless. "Tell me."

"I just remembered my parents always wanting to renew the kitchen but never following through." Elsa shrugged and crossed her arms, trying to detract from the importance she was adding to it by herself. "That's it."

She no longer knew why her mind went back to those kinds of banal things. Catalina neither, apparently. Because she didn't say a word, yet Elsa didn't have to look up to know her gaze was on her, that she was analyzing her to try figure out what to say in the most sensitive way she could find.

Had Elsa introduced the conversation she insisted so hard, she didn't want to have? Maybe.

There was a moment of silence. Those where all the ambient sounds get louder. The birds singing more and more as they woke with the dawn, Bobby's footsteps in the grass, the slightest squeak from the door hinges as Elsa alternated the leg she was leaning on.

"You didn't tell me anything." It was a whisper. As if Cati didn't want to break the calm in the air.

"I didn't say anything to anyone." Elsa didn't need any pity, nor explanations. They were all busy with their lives, on vacation, getting ready for exams. Plus she had too much on her mind to think of what to say without sounding like she was looking for attention. One doesn'tgo through life announcing personal tragedies.

Word got out anyway.

"Still, I'm sorry we couldn't make it to the funeral." She told Elsa before, as soon as they met in the mall. A pained whisper between an embrace as suffocating as it was welcoming.

"It's okay, Cati, really. You weren't even in the country." Elsa would tell her as many times as necessary. "I barely registered it anyways."

Barely.

'Barely' was hardly it.

Elsa knew her friends were at the funeral for a while, as well as some classmates. That there was an exchange for words at some point. Yet it felt like a dream, moments floating out of order and images as vague as they were sharp. It could have happened yesterday. Or two weeks ago. Or six months ago. The idea remained as distant as it was close.

"...Are you okay, El?" It wasn't a question of the moment, not in the trivial sense of the word. An invitation to be honest, if anything. Catalina was no stranger to grief or attending funerals of relatives she lost in worse circumstances than hers. She told Elsa, in those talks you have at the wee hours of the morning, about the death of her oldest brother, and she attended her biological father's funeral when they were fourteen.

Just as Elsa knew her secrets, Cati knew hers.

So she looked up. Only to confirm the concern of her voice in her brown eyes.

"It's... It's weird," she murmured, feeling the words slip on their own. "It's like everything's the same. But it only feels that way, because I'm doing different things. Living in another house with people with different ways... I don't know. It's dumb."

With a heavy sigh, she ended up sitting on the floor, hugging her ankles. She was getting tired of standing, for some reason. Cati sat next to her in the free space, leaning on her hands.

"Nah, it's not dumb. It happened to me with my dad." She hugged Elsa by the shoulders, and she laid her head on her friend's shoulder almost instantly. Catalina was the kind to make spontaneous movements. And even though Elsa wasn't fond of sudden invasions of personal space, the warmth she gave her was the same as Anna's. The kind that makes you want to hug back. "I always knew he didn't give much crap about me. And when my birthday came that year… I don't know, I was still waiting for him to call me a week later to go out for dinner and give me one of those stupid gift cards."

"...The world keeps moving." That was it, wasn't it? The world went on. Always went and on and on and one had to get used to its rhythm trying not to die in the middle. "Nobody waits for you."

"Then make them wait." Elsa raised her head to look at her in confusion. Cati shrugged as if it were obvious. "People sometimes need a break. And, uh, not like I'm saying anything but you could really use one."

"That's why I spent a month and a half in the south." And then she paid its full price in the seven days that followed, because that's how everything worked. If you want good things then you have to be willing to pay the prices.

"Family vacays never count, El."

"They do when it's with the family you like," she said it more like something casual, something taken for granted, not knowing what else to do than slowly bumping her knees together. This time it was Cati who turned to look at her, prompting Elsa to raise her brows. "What?"

"No, it's just… I find it weird you're saying it like that," she murmured. "I mean, I thought you would miss him."

Elsa still didn't understand.

"When?" It wasn't so weird to ask exact questions, right?

"I don't know." She drew circles in the air with her free hand, as if searching for the meanings. "Like, in general...?"

Did she miss him, now? Elsa thought she did, these last few weeks. That she missed almost everything, as people aren't perfect. They came with flaws and it was unrealistic to expect them to change just because it might bother you. It's a take it or leave it situation. Especially when it comes to family, since you can't choose it. So in any case, it's a way of learning to live with totally different people. It helps for the future, the life, being a human in society.

So Elsa nodded, like it was the most obvious thing in the world. Because she had to miss him, right? She should. She should.

Why, then, did her head shake by itself two seconds later?

Why did her head bomb her with all those peaceful nights of sleep she had until now, even if the mattress wasn't the comfortable sommier of her original bed, even if she kept looking at the stars on the ceiling in a strange room, or at the open door for what seemed like hours? With the day-to-day conversations with Anna, engrossed in pretending they had anything more important to talk about?

Why did her head bomb her with all the things that happened? The sensation of the humid cold soaking her in the wee hours of the morning? The dry cold, soaking through her bones. The cold she felt now, running down her spine and pouring through all her nerve endings. The heat . The one that burns, that melts parts of the skin, and leaves marks along the body.

The reason why even today, in one of the houses where she always felt safe, where she could sleep with the doors open and lightly hugging someone, she still had an extra layer of clothing under her pajamas.

"I don't know," Elsa admitted, her voice too shaky for her liking. "But I should, right? I mean he's- he was my dad. What kind of daughter am I?"

What kind of person was she? What kind of relative would do that with their close family? Could she really be so selfish?

She should .

"Or rather, what kind of father he was that you're having so many doubts." Cati's way of saying "stop blaming yourself for everything that happens". When it came to this topic, this whole topic , they had their opinions. Quite opposite ones. To the point that last year they didn't speak for months.

"People make mistakes, Cati." Elsa didn't know why that kind of comment got her so defensive. Why it always felt like a personal attack, sending pain right in the chest. Maybe it bothered her that Cati always came up with solutions as if everything was so easy. As if she understood.

"He really told you that?" An indignant but measured tone. Low. Elsa knew that with a simple nod she would unleash the kind of conversation she really didn't want to have. The typical one that came with that "stopping the blame" thing. And yes, he told her that, and her mother, and she heard half of her family say it, too. He also apologized, on numerous occasions. Apologies that Elsa accepted, with innocence, hope, or false pretense, for one reason or another.

"Catalina, it's too early for this." In every possible way. This Saturday would be fifteen days since she received the news. And today was fifteen days from Wednesday. And tomorrow would be fifteen days of Thursday. And Elsa no longer knew why she started to count the days. Why did Cati pay attention to that, too, if it didn't make sense anymore.

"Ok, sorry, sorry. I'll shut up." And it sounded more forced than she actually meant it. "It's just— you know how I am and— God, you worry me, El."

"Hm..." Elsa only rested her chin between her knees, watching Bobby entertain himself doing who knows what, sniffing among the flower beds on the side.

She felt Cati hug her again. The kind of hug where there's no other option than to adjust and rest the chin on her shoulder. Her arms resting at the sides without knowing how to respond at all. It was weird how physical contact worked. Elsa wasn't a hugging person. She wasn't a person of physical contact in general. She hated to greet almost everyone with a kiss on the cheek, people standing too close to her made her nervous and too aware of the null personal space. Hated when people jumped on her, or someone grabbed her by the shoulders out of nowhere. She had to suppress the grimaces and let her body go on alert. Especially in summer.

However, there were exceptions to everything. This was one of them.

"You don't deserve this, El," she listened, somewhere close to her ear. "None of it. You know that, right?"

Elsa could argue that yes, maybe she actually deserved it. Or maybe it wasn't a matter of "deserving", exactly, but it's the only thing left. Sometimes the alternatives are worse than what the situation at hand has to offer. Sometimes the only thing left is to take a deep breath and look for the positive side of things. Think of everything you have. Think that other people have it worse, that it could be worse . Much worse. Think that it was only one more year until she was of age and able to do whatever she wanted.

She could argue, yes, but something flooded her chest with a sensation that could only be translated in tears, instead of words. She didn't know the reason. Maybe it was the way Cati always said these things. The firm tone. The conviction that Elsa really had no blame or responsibility, even after knowing most of the story. A lot more than anyone ever knew.

"Thanks, Cati." Elsa wrapped her arms around her torso with strength. Feeling the fire of the contact on her body. Burning. Comfortable. Comforting.

The kind of warmth that comes from those hugs you just don't want to undo.

Around thirteen thirty, Elsa was back at her aunt and uncle's house. Her sister's. Hers?

Be as it may, having to cross a half-meter wooden door and walk the stone path to the entrance, instead of a black gate and three cobblestone steps to double wooden doors, tied a knot in her throat. This wasn't her home. And she wanted to stay and come back running at the same time.

However, as usual, there weren't many choices. So Elsa took a deep breath and put the keys in the lock, thinking that at least the mere fact of walking through a door didn't turn her stomach, nor it was the door of a foster home, nor the double doors with bronze handles of her father's cousin house, nor anyone else she wasn't sure she wanted to live with.

"Afternoon," Anna was having lunch in the living room and Elsa decided to greet her as usual. She didn't know how things were yet, but at this point, she wasn't going to seem spiteful. If Anna wanted to keep the tension, then it would be her problem.

"Oh hey! I thought you were coming later." Well, at least she wasn't the only one with such an idea. "Have you eaten yet? There are schnitzels in the freezer, if you want."

Anna pointed with her spoon in the direction of the kitchen, Elsa shook her head.

"Everyone was busy in the afternoon and, uh, I just had breakfast," she said, setting her backpack at the foot of the sofa as she took the other spot. They actually had breakfast at eleven, but she didn't feel like eating anything else at this point. Too much junk and too many chocolate cookies. "If there are schnitzels, why are you only eating mashed potatoes?"

"I got my braces adjusted this morning and my teeth hurt like hell." Anna collapsed dramatically on the couch, wrinkling her nose. "I already took ibuprofen and everything, but, uh, yeah. At least I have cute rainbow elastics."

"You should've texted me, I could have bought you apple puree on the way back." Her sister hit her with a pillow and exaggerated indignation, which Elsa threw back at her with a smile, happy to finally return to this , instead of reproaches.

"Ha. Ha. Super funny. I should've told you to get ice cream, though. Like, doesn't the cold numb the pain or something?" Anna mentioned it just like that, at the same time she checked something on her phone. Elsa frowned, almost clicking her tongue.

That's a myth.

She would've told her, but the words died at the tip of her tongue.

"Super off-topic, but I'm talking to grandma to visit her later today, and, uh, she assumed you're coming too?" Anna said, arching an intriguing brow as she played with a lock of hair. "I mean, you wanna? If you don't, I can make up some excuse or something."

She received an expectant look and, despite her good humor, Elsa had to think about it.

Visiting her grandma's house would be the same as visiting her old house. Her mom's paintings everywhere, family pictures, memories of rainy afterschool evenings, playing cards with chocolate milk and cookies at the side. They might not be the same ghosts, but they were ghosts either way. Besides, so many family visits were overwhelming.

Elsa nodded anyway, shrugging.

"Yeah, sure. Why not?" The day was beautiful, she had nothing else to do, and her good humor told her perhaps better things would come.

...Which, in theory, didn't happen.

Catalina is a character that was only gonna be a small high school acquaintance. Then she got to life on her own and basically told me all her life story. She's terrible. I love her so much lololol.
Also, I'd rather go the old route of using OCs instead of disney characters. Idk it makes me uncomfy :(.

Wherever you liked it (or not) please leave a comment and tell me whatchu think!