omg here it is, the chapter to end all chapters lol... in that its so long and we can blame GabrielaM who assured me that a long ass chapter is better than a short one. I was going to break it up but I was told no! So if you have to read a bit and come back another day and finish it, thats ok too.
I have been working on this for days. My state has gone in to harsh lock down which means my place of work has been shut down so I am no longer working for the time being until we open again... you know what that means. Btw some of you seem very fun so if you want to connect with me on instagram, please DM here to exchange socials, I've made a lot of friends through writing this :) Its not to have ppl to talk to.
ENJOY THIS and thanks again to every one of you who have commented, it seriously makes me excited to write more. If nobody commented I think i'd be far less likely to continue updating it. Also, thank you again to Lise and Abbie for helping me with the pregnancy/kid stuff. HEARTS.
"Olivia, you've been vomiting, you don't have to come." Trevor told her. He regretted the words as soon as they left his mouth but he was concerned about her.
She looked a little pale and off but still, she stood in the mirror and zipped up the back of her dress as far as she could. "Unless you don't want me to come, I am not going to let a little bit of vomit keep me from supporting you and Eloise," she said firmly. "Can you zip me the rest of the way?"
Trevor frowned and finished straightening his black tie. He came up behind her and zipped her up. He placed his hands on her shoulders and looked at her reflection and gave her a weak smile. "Of course I want you there… but I don't want you to feel rotten."
She smiled at him and turned to face him. "I'll be okay."
"I think you need to see a doctor, this on-and-off nausea is weird… how long's it been Liv? Over a week, surely."
She rolled her eyes, she didn't have the heart to tell him it'd been going on much longer than just one week, "Its just the menopause thing, its okay, I'll see someone anyway just to make you feel better—but let's talk about it later. I'll go get Eloise dressed," she opted.
"I can do that…" his voice trailed off but Olivia knew he needed to collect himself. He was serious and his mood was dark. He was affectionate toward her if not a little overbearing, but he was anxious about how the day was going to go. He wasn't sure if he had the capacity to deal with Eloise's emotions, but he knew with Liv there, he would get through it.
"Thanks for staying Lucy," Olivia thanked her nanny. She had come back to the house after taking Noah to school so that Olivia and Trevor could get ready and have some time.
She looked at Eloise and realized Lucy had already dressed her and tied her hair back neatly. Liv smiled, "Oh thanks for getting her ready," she smiled. "Thank you for putting on your dress, Eloise," Olivia added, facing the little girl.
"Wanna thank Lucy for helping?" she prompted her, taking her from Lucy's arms.
"Thank you Lulu."
They both laughed, "Why does this kid love to give everyone nicknames?" Olivia remarked, kissing Eloise; her deep fondness for Trevor's daughter had developed so quickly.
"I noticed she calls Noah, NoNo sometimes," Lucy remarked.
"NoNo, Lulu, Livvy… what else you got under that sleeve of yours?" Olivia chuckled, stroking the little girl's hair.
"Good luck today Liv," Lucy said as she headed at out the door, "I mean, I hope it goes well, as good as it can…"
"Thanks," Olivia said goodbye and saw the nanny out the door, both she and Eloise waving her off.
Olivia felt Trevor reach for her hand as they neared the front of the church. "Daddy, that building is pretty…" she pointed to the stain-glass windows of the grey brick church.
He stopped walking and looked around, realizing he needed to try to mentally prepare his daughter for what they were walking in to.
Olivia stopped beside him. She glanced at him wearing his sunglasses to hide his emotions. Olivia had her own eyes hidden by her large rounded-edge square sunglasses but more because she felt a little insecure turning up as Trevor's new partner to the funeral of the mother of his child.
"I just need us to have a talk for a moment, sweetheart," Trevor spoke to his daughter.
He pushed his glasses up on upon his head. Eloise looked at her father expectantly. "We are going to say goodbye to Mommy and see Grandma today," he told her.
"I'm gonna see Mommy?" her eyes lit up.
"No baby," he said, "its very hard for Daddy to explain so that you understand, but when someone dies we have to say goodbye, we go to church and we say our prayers for the person, in this case, Mommy, and Mommy is inside the church too, she has a special resting place and we'll see it when we go inside. But we can't see her, we just know she's in a special bed."
Olivia could hear the trepidation of Trevor's voice, stammering on his words, unsure of if what he was telling her was the right thing, or if maybe he was expecting too much from his three-year-old.
"Will Mommy know we are saying goodbye?" Eloise asked.
"I think so…" he gave her a brave smile, "I believe so…" he kissed his daughter's cheek and pulled his glasses back down.
Olivia squeezed his hand tightly. She felt him squeeze it back as they continued on toward the church.
Mira met them outside. She seemed so happy to see Eloise. "Ohhh honey!" she greeted her, taking her from Trevor's arms. "Oh baby, it's so good to see you!"
"Grandma!" Eloise exclaimed happily. "Grandma I missed you! Daddy said today we're saying goodbye to Mommy!"
Mira smiled at Trevor and then at Olivia nodding hello at them. She glanced back at her granddaughter, "Yes, today we have to say goodbye to Mommy," she glanced at Trevor, "Is it okay if I take her inside?"
"Of course," Trevor agreed, he paused, "just… be careful with the words you use… please."
She took Eloise inside while both Olivia and Trevor waited outside. Trevor recognized some distant family members but no one bothered him. He glanced at Olivia and gave her a smile. "Awkward, huh?"
She nodded, "A little… I feel like I shouldn't be here, like I'm intruding."
"No baby, you're here for me and Eloise."
She lifted his hand and kissed the back of it.
"Trev!" he heard a voice behind him and turned to find the source of the sound. Olivia was surprised to see him smile with a look of relief flooding him. She felt a stir of jealousy when she laid her eyes upon a tall, brunette with the most beautiful azure eyes she'd ever witnessed. Her smile was model-worthy and made Olivia feel immediately insecure.
Trevor let go of her hand and made his way to the woman who was clearly much younger. He wrapped his arms around her and hugged her tightly. "I can't believe you came!" he exclaimed in a voice that sounded like he had spoken to this person and expected her.
The woman hugged him back and kissed his cheek.
"As if I wouldn't be here for you," she replied with a familiarity that made Olivia uncomfortable.
Despite the woman's height, Trevor was still much taller, he leaned over her, burying her face in her neck. Olivia felt put out, annoyed that he had forgotten she was there and the stirring in the pit of her stomach didn't help.
As Trevor pulled away they shared a moment. "Thank you," he said sincerely.
"Where's Elly?" she asked, "did you decide not to bring her?"
"She's inside with Mira…" Trevor replied. Quickly remembering himself, he turned around to face Olivia, "Oh, I'm so sorry, baby, come here…" he held out his hand for her. "Ez, this is Olivia, I'm sorry you guys have to meet in this situation but…" he paused, "I'm glad you're finally meeting."
"Nice to meet you, Ez," Olivia replied, smiling tightly at the, tall gorgeous bodied woman filling out a simple black dress.
"Erika," she corrected Olivia smiling as widely as what felt appropriate for a funeral but she was genuinely happy to meet Trevor's new partner, "and I can see you're confused, I'm Trevor's little sister."
"Ohhhhh," Olivia smiled, not wanting to grin with relief either, remembering where she was. "So nice to meet you Erika," she replied, giving his sister a hug. "Look at you, you are so beautiful," she remarked.
"Oh, that's really kind. It's really nice to meet you in the flesh, I feel like I already know you, Trevor has sent me dozens of photos of you both." Erika replied.
Olivia rose an eyebrow at him, "Really?"
Trevor smiled at them both. "Come on, we should go in…" He interrupted not wanting to make anyone feel awkward. He took Olivia's hand again.
"Are you planning on going to the wake?" Erika asked him, walking along side of him.
"No, we have to get back home and pick up Noah from school," he explained. "Do you want to come over after we get out of here?" he asked her.
"Uhmmm I don't think I can," she said regretfully, "I took a couple of hours off but I probably should get back."
Trevor was distracted as they crossed the threshold in to the church. Olivia immediately realized why he was frozen in to place. "What the actual…." he stopped himself from cursing and let go of Olivia's hand.
At the foot of the altar was Helena's white coffin that Mira and Eloise stood over. He marched forward all the way down the aisle between two sides of pews until he got to the front. "No!" he hissed at Mira, "I will not have her traumatized!" he said, pulling his daughter from Mira's arms, avoiding looking in to the open casket where Helena was resting.
"Trevor-" she began in a pleading voice but he wasn't having it.
"Come on babe," he said to his daughter, "better go sit down, huh?" he tried to smile but he was wondering exactly what his daughter had seen.
"Daddy, Mommy is a asleep, you can say goodbye to her if you want to," she said softly, touching his tie.
He felt a pang of sadness sweep over him, realizing his ex mother-in-law had specifically taken her to the open casket to see her mother. He was sad, angry and frustrated that he wasn't able to control what his daughter had been exposed to.
Olivia came to his side, "Livvy, I saw Mommy!" she told her excitedly.
Olivia tried to smile. "I see that," she replied, "You okay, my heart?" she prompted Trevor.
"I'm furious," he replied in a calm way so as not to alarm Eloise. "Daddy, I want to see Mommy," she told him. "I know she is just sleeping, but she's not going to wake up, right?"
"Elly," Trevor began gently, "did Grandma take you to see Mommy?"
She nodded. "I want to be with Mommy for one last big minute." When she noticed her father's hesitance, she took his face in her hands, "Daddy? Are you scared or sad to see Mommy? Its okay…"
His anger seemed to fall away upon the realization that his daughter wasn't traumatized – if anything, she seemed happy to see Helena and not disturbed at all.
"Come on…" he said in a whisper. He realized he was the one who didn't want to see his ex in a coffin – he wasn't sure he could handle it, but he knew he had to do it for his daughter. They made their way back over to the coffin and the few people that stood around paying their respects dispersed giving him room for his daughter.
Trevor looked down and was taken by just how peaceful she was. "Baby," he spoke softly to his daughter, "Do you want to say something to Mommy?" he asked her, "this is the last time you're going to get to see her."
"Mommy is sleeping now forever, isn't she, Daddy?" she asked softly, matching his tone. Trevor glanced up and saw his sister and Olivia standing side-by-side. Olivia was wiping her eyes. He looked away before his eyes welled up.
"Yes," he replied solemnly, "Mommy isn't going to wake up. So we just have to say our goodbye now and we won't see her again after today…" he explained. "What would you like to say to her?"
She thought about it for a moment, "I want to say bye Mommy, I love you," she said softly.
Trevor nodded and smiled through the tears that blurred his vision. He looked down regretfully at the woman he was married to for over ten years. She looked at peace, free of the concerns and the stresses and tension that he could always tell took up space within her.
"What do you want to say to Mommy?" she asked him.
"I want to say…." He started looking for the right words, "Goodbye, to your precious Mommy," he said, swallowing a lump forming in his throat. "I am sorry that I failed you, Helena," he blurted out, his voice uttering his words in a whisper.
"Its okay Daddy, Mommy isn't sad or angry anymore, she just had to go to sleep because she was tired."
Trevor nodded. He felt the presence of Olivia at his side. "Livvy, do you want to say something to Mommy?" the little girl prompted her.
"Yes babe," Olivia replied. She offered to take her from Trevor. Elly put her arms out and Trevor let her go without protest. He stood at the head of her coffin and Olivia noticed the stream of tears spilling down his cheeks wordlessly.
"I'm sorry," he said to the shell of his ex wife laying before him. "I'm sorry for making it worse…" he knew Helena's struggles, he knew about her upbringing and the parts of it that were responsible for creating the darkness inside of her that she tried so desperately to fill up. He was just sorry that his love had never been enough.
Olivia balanced Eloise on her hip and comforted Trevor with her other hand, rubbing his back gently.
"Daddy don't cry," Eloise told him softly, "Mommy isn't sad anymore," she insisted.
Trevor wiped his eyes. He gave his best smile to Eloise. "you're such a big girl," he remarked, "you are being so brave." He kissed her cheek.
"You can be brave too, Daddy…" she replied.
He smiled again, sniffing.
"Livvy, what are you gonna say to Mommy?" Eloise pushed.
Olivia drew her closer. "I wanna tell your Mommy thank you for saying that I am a great Mom to Noah and I want to tell her that I'm going to take the best care of you and your Daddy and make sure she'd be happy with how Daddy and I raise you…"
Eloise seemed satisfied with Olivia's answer.
"Do you want to give Mom a kiss or touch her hand?" Olivia asked. Trevor balked at the idea but Olivia could see that it was helping Eloise to see her mother physically.
Eloise nodded. Olivia leaned her over and she kissed her Mom on the cheek.
"Its time to say goodbye to Mommy," Trevor told her, "you're not going to see Mommy again after this, okay? This is the last time and I need you to know that it's okay to be sad and it's okay to cry…"
Eloise stared at her Mom for a few seconds, as if she was letting her father's words sink in. "Bye bye Mommy, sweet dreams."
Olivia heard Trevor choke back a sob. Eloise turned to Trevor, "Mommy isn't going to wake up is she?" she confirmed.
Trevor shook his head, wiping his cheeks.
Eloise looked back at her mother. "I love you Mommy." She waved at her and reached for Trevor again. He took her from Olivia. He looked at her sadly, trying to control his emotions.
Olivia couldn't hold her own emotions back, she felt the tears welling up and wetting her eyes. Eloise took Trevor's face in her hands. "Don't cry, Daddy, Mommy is okay now," she said with a smile.
His daughter's sweetness and simplistic way of framing her mother's death pained him. He tried to hold back his tears but he her tiny, child-like gestures of affection and compassion made it hard for him to keep it all at bay. She just didn't understand the gravity of losing a parent at just three years old.
"I know that, sweetheart. I love you," he murmured.
Eloise smiled. "I love you too, Daddy." She kissed her father and circled her arms around his neck, her tiny hands gripping on to him as he glanced at Olivia. He glanced back down Helena and took a deep breath. He reached down and touched Helena's hand and gave it a little squeeze. It took a certain amount of bravery to touch her, but it felt okay and not strange at all.
Her hand within his felt both familiar and foreign at the same time. "Goodbye, Len…" he murmured. "Rest…" he added in a whisper.
Olivia's hand fell in to his as they slowly made their way to a pew in the second row to wait for the service to begin.
"How are you feeling?" Olivia asked Trevor when they were finally alone.
"I dunno…" he sighed. "I feel relieved for Eloise, I think she dealt with the day better than I did."
Olivia gave him an empathetic smile. "Kids can be more resilient than us," she replied, stripping down and getting in to bed. Trevor got changed and went to the en-suite to brush his teeth. They were both emotionally exhausted and putting the kids to bed had been tough. Eloise was chatty and wanted to tell Noah about seeing her Mom which had been hard to explain away to him after she had finally gone to sleep.
Trevor spat out the white foam of the tooth paste and turned to see Olivia wearing one of his black under-tank tops with a pair of briefs. He couldn't help but to give her a once over and a cheeky grin as he finished rinsing his mouth.
"What?" she asked, leaning against the doorway waiting for him to finish up.
"Nothing," he shrugged, still a hint of a smile crossing his lips. She threaded past him to get to her own tooth brush. She felt his eyes lingering over her and had a fleeting surge or insecurity but breathed it away as quickly as it came. "I just… really like it when you wear my shirts…" he remarked as he lingered behind her as she began to brush her teeth.
She almost jumped at the grazing touch of his hands resting upon her hips. She glanced at him in the mirror and couldn't help but to smile, her mouth full of toothpaste suds.
They shared a laugh as she spat it out. "Trevor…" she warned him weakly, trying not to lean to far forward to give him any ideas.
"What!?" he chuckled innocently, "what am I doing? I'm just admiring my beautiful woman…" he let his voice trail off.
She pushed past him and headed back in to their room leaving Trevor a little puzzled. He watched her turn the main light off and crawl in to bed. She closed her eyes with a look of relief like she couldn't stand to be upright for any longer.
"Olivia, are you okay?" he asked as he got in to bed beside her.
"What?" she asked, opening her eyes up to glance at him quizzically. "Why wouldn't I be okay?" she asked, "I mean… apart from the obvious emotional day."
"I dunno, you just gave me a weird vibe, sorry if I made you uncomfortable," he apologized, remembering that sometimes she could get in to her own head.
"You didn't make me uncomfortable," she smiled, turning to face him.
"Well, you look exhausted," he replied and it was true. "I mean, totally hot, don't get me wrong," he winked, "but you do look tired, it's been a big day." He ran his fingers through her locks. She leaned over and kissed his lips.
"I just wanted to tell you, you have the most wonderful daughter…" she told him, "I didn't think I could fall in love with her any more than I already am and then when she was trying to comfort you… it really… it was so moving."
"I think her empathy is beyond her years and I love that about her and I'm only just discovering those little parts of her that I didn't recognize before because I didn't get to spend prolonged periods of time with her."
Olivia smiled.
"And to be honest, Liv, the first few months of us being together was me spending more time with Noah because of how the custody agreement was going... One thing that I've always found to be incredible is Noah's warmth and emotional intelligence. It's not a surprise, you're his Mom, he takes after you… but I don't know where Eloise gets it."
"From you, stupid," she joked. "You are one of the most compassionate people I've ever met and you are so good to have around when I'm emotional and not myself. You always say the right thing and make me feel better."
"Thanks Olivia, it's nice to hear that, sometimes I second guess myself."
She reached out for his exposed shoulder and gave it a squeeze. "I love you," she told him wearily, her eyelids appearing to be heavy.
"I love you too," he replied, "more than you could know." He leaned in and kissed her forehead. "Sweet dreams, okay?"
It was the words he said to her every night as if it would serve as an insurance for the dreams that might enter her slumber – a cover note to keep out the bad and allow only the good.
"Sweet dreams," she repeated. He watched her eyes fall closed. He was concerned with how utterly exhausted she seemed to be. In the morning he was going to insist on her making a doctors appointment.
He switched off the light and felt Olivia roll over, her back facing him. It was the exact action that she carried out every night as soon as the light went off. She nested her body in to Trevor's. He wrapped an arm around her, and just as he did every night, he slid his hand over her warm breast.
He felt her shift beneath him, jumping slightly at his touch. He felt her hand cover his and gently push it away.
He couldn't help but to feel hurt—as if she didn't want to know about him. He wondered if she was put out by his emotional response at Helena's funeral. It was true he had lost control as her coffin was being lead out of the procession, but she had been sweet and supportive and assured him that his emotions and feelings were valid.
"Liv?" he questioned her.
"Mmm?"
"What's wrong?" he asked with a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach. He hoped so much that she wasn't second guessing their arrangement.
"Nothing, my boobs are just… really a bit sore and sensitive," she admitted.
"Oh…" he wasn't sure if that was the truth. It seemed that every time anything escalated beyond a kiss, she extinguished it before it developed in to more. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make you feel uncomfortable…or hurt you."
"No, its fine, just … not tonight," she murmured.
"Okay… sorry." He slowly let out a sigh. He wasn't sure what was going on but it was unsettling. The menopause symptoms felt like they were wearing a bit thin but he didn't know any better.
He closed his eyes and tried to go to sleep.
There was nothing that Olivia hated more than visiting the doctor and put it off for as long as she could before Trevor finally put his foot down. She knew that he was starting to get weird vibes but she couldn't help how she was feeling. There was a part of her that felt that once she got the formal diagnosis it was the sign of a new chapter in her life – old age. She was avoiding it like the plague.
The nausea had started to ease a little but she had promised him she would speak to Melinda about checking her iron levels and making sure everything else was okay.
She was planning on catching up with her anyway; it'd been some time and since she'd been back at work for almost two weeks, she'd caught up enough to take time out for friends.
Trevor opted to pick up Noah after school and then Erika would drop Eloise off after spending a day with her while she finished up with Elliot and Fin on their Sanchez case file and then Trevor had insisted that she take the night for herself and meet with Melinda for a drink.
Olivia was nearly falling asleep at the desk just as it hit five o'clock. When she was home she'd been having a nap every afternoon around the time Eloise slept and it seemed to energize her a little. Coffee was still making her nauseous despite the fact that she'd even tried different milks but nothing really seemed to fix it.
"You okay Liv?" Sonny asked, sticking his head in to her office after she got back from the Organized Crime precinct. "You need some caffeine?"
She looked up and gave him her best weary smile. "I'm fine thanks, I'm just going to meet up with Warner for a drink, you good with everything?" she asked.
"Yeah for sure, I'm good. Noah got T-ball this Saturday?"
Olivia nodded and groaned. "Shit, I forgot… Trevor and I are both on to work."
"Oh, do you want me to take him? I'm not on."
"No, no, its not your job to take my kid to his sports games…" her voice trailed off, frustrated with herself for forgetting.
"I don't mind Cap… or I could come work for a few hours for you so you can get down there."
"I might be able to make it down there if its quiet here," she thought. "I appreciate your offer, I'll keep it in mind, Sonny, thanks…"
"How are you doing?" Melinda asked Olivia when she saw her, "you look tired, been working too hard?" Olivia slumped down in to the booth and tried hard not to rub the make up from her eyes.
"Hardly…" she laughed, sinking down with relief. "I've just got a lot going on, running around after a six-year-old and a three-year-old is no joke."
Melinda shook her head and grinned. "You have really softened, Liv. I don't mean that to be rude but, Trevor has actually turned you to mush and its so nice to see that work/life balance we've always been talking about getting."
"Ah," Olivia chuckled, "the eternal struggle." She stared at the glass of wine before and couldn't bring herself to drink it. She knew her feelings were stupid but what if, she thought. There was still such a tiny mustard seed of doubt that welled within her.
"I might get some water…do you mind? Sorry, my stomach has been really out of sorts."
Melinda rose an eyebrow. "Sure…"
She watched Olivia suspiciously. She got up to go to the bar to order a glass of water. She watched as she returned with ginger ale instead. "Liv, what's going on?"
"What do you mean?" she asked half-smiling, she was totally clueless.
"I have never seen you turn down a wine after work," she laughed, "are you seriously okay?"
"Yeah, I'm just going through … the change," Olivia rolled her eyes, "my body is betraying me, I'm getting too old for this and I've just taken on a lot with Eloise… not complaining though."
Melinda rose her eyebrow and made a face that showed Olivia that she wasn't convinced. "You're 44 Liv, I highly doubt that you going through menopause? What symptoms are you having?"
Melinda was confused. She wondered why at such a young age Olivia would have expected menopause would have been a completely normal explanation for exhaustion and an upset stomach.
She shrugged. "I haven't had a regular period for around a year, its been on and off and now its everything else, constant exhaustion, I feel hot and nauseous and things have kind of cooled off between Trevor and I, he is worrying so much but I know it'll pass…"
When Olivia looked back at her friend she noticed the look of absolute disbelief on her face, as if she was making a mockery of her. "What?"
"Liv, there are dozens of other things that could be causing those symptoms but I think we should go and do some blood work, or a pee test. You've just ticked off about 3 pregnancy symptoms."
"What!?" Olivia laughed; more of a cackle, something that sounded strange coming from her own mouth. "No," she said staring at her friend, "no, don't be silly. No, no, no."
Melinda knew immediately there was something inside Liv that had already thought about it, that had taken the suspicion and shoved it down until it was deeply buried because the idea of being pregnant at 44 seemed too ridiculous to acknowledge.
"No, I can't be…" she continued to protest. Melinda said nothing, she let Olivia start and stop speaking several times, giving her friend reasons why it was just not possible.
"Why not?" Melinda pressed, "are you on birth control? Are you using protection? Why not?"
"I'm too old…" her voice trailed off, seeming less convinced now that Melinda had called her on it.
"You are not too old, Olivia, you could be missing your period because of stress and lack of sleep, it's not just a sign of menopause. What else is going on?" she asked her. "What other symptoms do you have?"
"Vomiting… most mornings… from coffee or whatever I put in my mouth… even toothpaste makes me vomit. The pure exhaustion is what's killing me. I'm sensitive to the touch, he is starting to think I'm avoiding him."
"But your breasts hurt and you feel bloated and you are generally feeling overly emotional and self-conscious," Melinda spoke for her, not being able to help but smile. "Liv those are all the things I went through when I was pregnant with my daughter."
Olivia stared at her slack-jawed. The reality of what Melinda was insisting, had hit her hard and it seemed so stupid that she believed it was menopause.
"How has Trevor not wondered? How did you not notice?" Melinda demanded to know, wondering how on earth Olivia had missed it. "You know, Olivia, for a detective, this is poor work," she offered her a smile.
"Trevor is a bit clueless with all of this kind of stuff…" she let all of her friend's words sink in and felt her hands trembling. She glanced up at her, her eyes full of tears. "I can't be pregnant, Mel, this can't happen. It's too soon, the dust hasn't even settled on his wife's grave…"
Melinda reached for Olivia's hand. "Honey, this is life, you can't plan for anything and if you plan for these things they don't happen. Life is messy and complicated and beautiful and if you are pregnant, you guys will figure it out. He doesn't seem like the man that runs away from responsibilities does he?"
Olivia wiped her wet eyes and stared at her for a moment before they filled up all over again.
"Olivia!" Melinda got up and moved around her side of the table and put an arm around her. "It'll be okay. Isn't this a wonderful thing if it's the case?" she asked, "that you, most loving, empathetic, maternal woman that I know is going to have another child? That Noah and Eloise will get a sibling—it will knit together that family unit so perfectly!"
Olivia wiped her cheeks with the heel of her palm. "I don't know…"
"You do know but its okay to be scared, you put a full stop to your family after Noah and then Eloise came along and as much as you might not want to admit it, you're the next best thing she has to a mother… and you told me how much Noah keeps wanting to call Trevor his father… let it happen, Liv, Trevor won't run, I promise."
"How do I tell him?" she asked, "he will be so mad at me…"
"No, Liv, he won't. You aren't using protection I gather? He can't be mad at you."
"We had a discussion a little while back when I kind of flipped because we didn't use anything and I told him I was on birth control and I was, but I stopped shortly after because it was a new product and it was making me break out and I figured with the early menopause thing it'd be okay."
Melinda couldn't help but to laugh, giving her friend a squeeze. "I have no idea why you would have had it in your head that you're menopausal, Liv…"
"My Mom went through it early – and I had the symptoms, or at least some, the last time I went to a GP she suggested it was that, but that was before Trevor… I never went back for the follow up."
"Okay, let me finish my drink and we can go back to the lab and I can do a blood test or we can get a pee stick, up to you."
Olivia shrugged. "What's faster?"
"The stick…" she smiled reassuringly. "Whatever happens you know that you have friends you can lean on, right?"
She nodded.
Olivia's hands were shaking as she arrived home. She felt she had opened Pandora's Box and didn't quite know what to do with the new information that Melinda had given her. She wanted to vomit again but for entirely different reasons.
She let herself in the town house and set her bag down. She wished she had eaten. She had told Trevor not to count her in for dinner but as she smelled the scent of the roast potatoes he'd done; her mouth began to water. She hoped there was something leftover.
"Liv, is that you?" she didn't recognize the voice at first, but quickly realized as she entered the living room that it was Erika, Trevor's sister.
"Hey," she was surprised, she met the younger woman in the living room. She had Noah asleep along the couch with his head in her lap and Eloise on the other side of her sleeping against her. "Where's Trev?" she smiled warmly.
"Trevor had to go to work but he said you were out with a friend and he knew if he called you, you'd rush home. I dropped Elly off and ended up staying for dinner."
"Oh… thank you so much, for staying with them. He could have called me and I would have come home, but thanks…"
"Its okay it was fun getting to become an aunt for the second time, Noah is fabulous…" she told Olivia, slipping out from beneath him gingerly.
"Thank you," she smiled. "Here let me help you—" she scooped up Eloise who was flanked beside Erika. She slid out successfully from the couch and Olivia laid Eloise back down and covered her over with a blanket.
"Would you like a drink or something to eat?" Olivia asked.
"No thank you, I'm fine. Trevor and I had a couple of drinks with dinner," she replied. "So…. It's nice to finally meet you away from the craziness of everything," she flipped her long, beautiful honey-brown hair from her shoulders.
"You too," Olivia smiled. She made her way around the kitchen and saw some left overs sitting on a plate in the fridge and felt so happy. "Oh my gosh," she gasped and laughed in spite of herself, "Sorry," she apologized, "I didn't end up getting to eat tonight, are you okay if I eat in front of you?"
Erika laughed, "No of course not, go ahead. Trev did make that plate for you, he said he was worried about you at the moment."
"Yeah," she swallowed a pang of guilt in her stomach. "I actually just met with my friend tonight, she's part of the forensics unit at work, the medical examiner and she just did a few little tests at the lab, blood work and stuff, honestly it's easier than going to a GP," she replied. She didn't lie, but she was aware she was stretching the truth.
"Are you feeling okay? I know this comes across as incredibly rude, but let me preface it by saying you are beautiful, but you do look a little ready for bed. Want me to stick around until my big brother comes home?" Erika offered.
Olivia smiled and it did sound good, but she didn't know his sister very well yet. She knew she should have made some effort to chat to her. "You are welcome to stay as long as you like, always, please know that, but I am fine, I think I just have to slow down a little with work and get that balance, you know? I'm not trying to replace Helena, but I do have another child to worry about now."
Erika smiled at her and nodded. "Yeah, I'm sure it's a lot to take on, it's a role you didn't ask for."
"I may not have asked for it," Olivia replied, "but I do welcome it, I welcome every part of Trevor's life – his daughter, his sister," she smiled, trying to bury the anxious energy that filled her stomach.
"Truthfully, the relationship between Trevor and I was slightly strained for awhile because of Helena. I couldn't handle the way she treated him so I had to take a backstep, but we've gotten closer again and I desperately don't want to lose that, we don't have anyone really but each other."
"What about your Mom?" Olivia pressed.
"Yeah our Mom is fantastic grandma to Eloise and she will adore Noah, but she's not the person that Trevor and I look to for sound emotional support."
Olivia nodded with understanding.
"I know we're strangers, but my brother is so happy, Liv, I hope you know that. No disrespect to Helena, but she didn't love him or make him feel the way you do… the way he speaks about you…" she smiled, "he lights up and I love that for him, so thank you."
Olivia felt her face flushing with redness. "Thank you… he's actually…" she paused and met Erika's beautiful azure eyes that were lighter than her brothers and more piercing, if that were even possible. "He's the love of my life… I've actually never had anyone like him either. So."
"So whennnn's the wedding!" Erika laughed at her own stupid joke. "I'm kidding, I'm kidding…"
Olivia felt her stomach turn to mush at the idea of another lifetime commitment coming before marriage. "Oh, I don't think that's on the cards any time soon," she said softly. Or at all…. she thought.
"This son of a bitch…" Trevor muttered as Elliot came out of the interrogation room. He glanced at the detective who looked like he was barely holding his anger together.
"You're telling me," he fumed. "You want to come in there with me and tell him what he's up against?"
When Trevor really thought about the trauma that this one man had caused so many victims and how he had personally affected Olivia, he realized there was no part of him that wanted to leave without speaking to him first.
"Sure."
He finished his coffee off and threw the paper cup in the garbage as he followed Elliot back in to the interrogation room.
"Trevor… Wondered when you'd grace me with your presence again," Sanchez laughed watching his ex-defense attorney walk in.
Trevor didn't say anything. He pulled out a chair and sat down across from the murderer with only a cold metal table separating them.
Sanchez was a big man, he wasn't as tall as Trevor but he was built. His arms were huge and his chest puffed out as though he had definitely had some help bulking up.
"I spooked you in to batting for the other team, huh?" he laughed again. Trevor was fine with his patronizing laughter because he knew that once Sanchez knew what they had on him, his laughter would be extinguished.
"Mr. Sanchez, do you realize that this time you won't be slipping out of these charges?" Trevor asked him. Elliot took a seat finally too.
"Well, maybe I'll get myself a defense as good as you," Sanchez smiled. "How is your detective girlfriend going?" he asked. "And your son and daughter, how are they? Didn't realize you were in bed with that bitch."
Trevor ignored both of his questions.
"We have strong evidence that connects you to the death of Allegra Hewson, Kylie Hudson, Anh Tran and the kidnapping of a three-year-old."
"It won't stick, I'm Teflon, Trevor, you worked that out pretty quickly." Sanchez replied.
"Ah," he retorted with his own little smile, "but, I know you, Viktor" Trevor's smile grew, unable to help how much he was going to enjoy delivering his own punch, "I know your tricks, I know your manipulation, I know the excuses you make and the way you love to defend yourself." The smirk from Sanchez's face seemed to fall away and was quickly replaced with a scowl.
"You think you have the upper hand, friend, but let me tell you, I gathered 3 months worth of case files in preparation for your defense and chatted to you every day and recorded those conversations, I think I know how you work and that is going to be your downfall, Mr. Teflon."
The scowl turned in to a fit of rage that nobody had been prepared for. Faster than Trevor realized, the gun-metal silver table in the interrogation room had been up turned, the corner of it making contact with Trevor's cheek.
He stumbled back, startled, dizzied by the pain that sent him reeling. He had jumped to his feet and could hear Elliot yelling for back up. It happened in a flurry of commotion – Trevor was shoved hard against the wall by the walking muscle that couldn't control himself any longer. Trevor felt his head hitting the back of the wall and then the closed fist to his cheek bone.
Everything went black.
Olivia and Erika were chatting away and getting to know one another. There was a part of her that wanted to be alone, but she knew as soon as Trevor got home, his attention would be on his sister and not on her and she needed to stay as inconspicuous as possible with her symptoms until she was ready to tell him.
The thought of telling him was one of the scariest things she could think of. She imagined every reaction possible – anger, abandonment, happiness, delight – but the fear that stayed with her the longest was the idea of him
Olivia heard her phone ringing from her handbag and excused herself to get it. She answered and made her way back to the dining room. "Hello?"
"Liv, it's Elliot-" he began.
"Hey, what's up?" she asked him casually.
"Liv, I don't want you to worry about this because everything is okay, but Trevor's took a hit from Sanchez-"
Olivia felt her body go rigid. "No!" she exclaimed in horror, staring at the young woman in front of her. "No! Where is he? Is he okay? Elliot!"
"Liv, Liv!" he could hear her stammering and panicking, struggling to make sense of what to do. "Listen to me Liv!" he rose his voice sternly.
"He's fine," he repeated. "Trevor is fine he hasn't been seriously injured but he is at Mercy being checked over at ED. I can send someone to come and sit with the kids if you want to come down."
"I'm coming," she said, "Trev's sister is here… I'll come now. Are you there?" she asked.
"I am, he doesn't seem to have any concussion, he's just nursing a very sore cheek but I swear he's fine." He added.
"Okay," her hands were shaking. "I'm on my way, tell him…" she paused, "tell him I love him."
"Will do," Elliot winced, "see you soon Liv, let me know if you need something."
She hung up the phone and stood in shock staring at Erika trying to steel herself so she didn't freak her out. "Trev got hurt at work, he's okay," she said quickly, relaying the words out loud, trying to convince herself more than his sister.
She saw the color drain from Erika's face. "I promise he's okay, sweetheart, I'm going to go to the hospital. If you want to come with me I can get someone to come sit with the kids."
"Are you sure he's okay?" Erika asked.
"Elliot wouldn't lie to me, they just took him to the hospital to get checked out."
"You go, I can stay with the kids…Can you phone me as soon as you get there?" she asked.
"Of course. Thank you so much. I promise that he'll be okay." Olivia was busy grabbing her bag and slipping her shoes on, calling out a goodbye as she quickly dashed back out the front door, forgetting everything that had been filling her mind since she left the lab.
Trevor held a cold ice pack against his cheekbone and laid against the upright gurney. He felt embarrassed and stupid. A nurse fussed around him. He didn't think any of it was necessary, he just wanted to call Olivia and go home to bed.
"How long do I have to sit here before I can go home?" he asked politely.
"We like to wait around an hour, you took two pretty serious knocks," the nurse pointed out with a smile. "Just relax, you need to be here for observation just in case."
He sighed. "I'm fine. I can go, honestly."
"Don't listen to him, he is staying for as long as you think is appropriate," Olivia told the nurse from the doorway. Trevor looked up and despite his embarrassment, he could help but feel a wash of relief flood him.
"Hey baby," he smiled, at her wearily. He knew she would have been worried. "Elliot called you, didn't he?"
She nodded and came to his side and wrapped her arms around him. "I came as soon as I heard… " she murmured, feeling his body warm against hers. She drew him in so tightly as though she was afraid of letting him go again.
The nurse left them to it.
"I'm okay baby, I promise," he could see that she was becoming emotional as she pulled away. "I just had a bit of a knock to the face,"
She covered his hand that held the cold pack to his face. "Show me?" she pulled his hand away and saw the dark bruise forming. She ran her thumb along it and planted a soft kiss.
He couldn't help but to smile. "Liv, I'm fine, it's just my precious, beautiful face…"
She managed to laugh at the same time she stifled a sob. "I really thought something terrible had happened when Elliot called—you have to be careful, we can't lose you."
"I promise I'll be more careful, baby," he assured her.
He slipped his arms around her and kissed her forehead. "I love you, thank you for coming but I am 100% okay."
She looked him over as if she was surveying his words, making sure that he wasn't lying to her. She took his hands in her face and let her eyes sweep over him, looking for telltale signs of him lying, showing pain or for injuries that no one else had picked up.
"I can't have anything bad happening to you," she told him, realizing more than ever just how much it rang true, "I couldn't do any of this stuff on my own," she let a little sob escape her throat.
"Liv, it's okay, I'm fine," he soothed her, taking her in his arms again. He felt her crying. He glanced up and saw Elliot standing in the doorway with two coffees.
He knew the look that crossed his co-workers face was one of regret – but despite that, he knew that he was doing his best to put his feelings for Olivia aside to do his job and provide support where necessary and Trevor could at least respect that.
He gave Elliot a weak smile. Elliot stepped through the threshold and came to set the two coffees down. Olivia withdrew from her embrace with Trevor sensing the presence of another person. She wiped her eyes and turned to find Elliot.
"Sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt, I just wanted to bring you both a coffee."
Immediately Olivia felt annoyance. "What actually happened?" she asked, wiping her cheeks.
Elliot and Trevor exchanged looks and it annoyed Olivia. "Tell me," she pressed.
"We were interrogating Viktor Sanchez and … he didn't like what Trevor had to say," Elliot said, "he flipped up a table and went after him. Trevor got hit by the table and then he was thrown against the wall and took a fist to the cheek.
"Are you fucking kidding me?" she asked, standing up straight, turning to Elliot, "What the fuck is wrong with you? How could you let that happen!" she rose her voice at Elliot.
"No Liv," Trevor went to protest, "it wasn't Ell-"
She glared at Trevor, "No!" she snapped at him, "You shouldn't have been in there!" she shot her fury back toward Elliot, raising her voice, "where were you? You let him go in to interrogation without security or another officer present?"
"No!" Elliot snapped.
"I bet you were fucking pleased!" she went at Elliot, digging an accusatory finger in to his collarbone. "One complication gone for you, huh!?"
"Olivia!" Trevor spat out with frustration, "I'm fine! It is not Elliot's fault."
She and Elliot stood toe-to-toe. She glared at him with hatred filling her entire body, enraged by Trevor's injuries. "Stop trying to involve yourself in my life… whatever you think this … is…" she motioned between them back and forth, "It's over. It was over a damn decade ago. Just stop. If anything happens to him I will never forgive you."
Elliot took a deep breath and she could tell that he was holding him back. He looked at Trevor. "I'm going to go… feel better."
Without a word or even another look at Liv, Elliot turned and left.
He knew it wasn't worth it to fight with her when she was clearly distraught. He had never seen her with another man before, not in an affectionate, girlfriend-type way. He had never seen her in love with another man and it hurt.
He had been thrown when he'd seen her holding hands with Trevor back when he first returned from Italy, but to see how deep her feelings were, the way she had been emotional, clinging to him as if she were afraid he could fade from her embrace made his whole body ache with sadness.
And perhaps, closure, he thought.
He wondered sometimes if the future would hold something between them – if, when she was done with Trevor, they would find their way back to one another, but he had witnessed some of the conversation, their interactions, their affection. Liv was happy with Trevor and they were clearly committed.
The hope that had been snuffed out in his own heart was only eclipsed by the genuine want to see her happy. Selfishly, he wished her happiness included himself but he was smart enough to know that even if they both put their feelings on the line, he didn't think he was able to appropriately handle another relationship so soon after Kathy – if at all.
Elliot left the hospital, scolding himself for thinking as if there was even a chance.
It was time to bow out, to respect Olivia and Trevor and support them because at the very least he missed her friendship. He didn't want to fight anymore and he most certainly realized how much energy it took up to resent Trevor. He had enough going on, enough stress, enough sleepless nights and more than enough strained relationships in his life.
"Olivia, that wasn't necessary. I don't need my girlfriend defending my honor, it's not Elliot's fault." His head was thumping and he was frustrated and feeling slightly emasculated by her outburst. He pressed the cold pack back against his cheek bone.
She turned back to him and shook her head. "It shouldn't have happened, Trevor… you shouldn't be here."
"Olivia, come here…" he watched her pacing back and forth around the room, distraught and looking for someone to blame.
He put his feelings aside for a moment. He was surprised by just how upset she was by his minor injuries. She was still wearing her clothes from work so he realized she hadn't even been home long enough to relax with a wine. She glanced at him and he knew she was emotional, "please," he added, "come on…"
She sighed and made her way to his bedside. He scooted over and patted an empty spot beside him. "It would make me really feel better if you sat beside me and kept me company 'til I get the all clear to go home."
She did as he asked, sitting on the edge. "Liv, please just relax." She turned to him and shook her head slightly. She reached for the cold press that he held in his hand but no longer against his face.
"Show me…" she said at last, her voice soft, free of anger. He turned his head so that she could see his cheek. She reached up and ran her thumb over the bruised spot ever so slightly. She took the cold press from him and held it there. She kissed his healthy cheek and closed her eyes, resting her forehead against him, thanking whatever was responsible for him being okay.
"I'm okay," he said again, almost as if she needed to hear it repeatedly.
He felt her slowly exhale, letting go of the air that she was holding on to. "Don't do this to me again, I can't deal with the scare…" she murmured. He slid an arm around her and turned his head slightly to kiss her forehead.
"Did you get home? Or did you come straight from your night with Melinda?" he asked, wanting to change the subject. He took cold press again from her and moved it away, it was numbing his skin and giving him goose bumps.
"I got home and found Erika there… I didn't get to eat dinner so I just finished off the plate you left for me, thanks for that…" he kissed her forehead again.
"I had a feeling you wouldn't eat," he smiled but the pain in his cheek bone quickly dispersed it. "Erika ended up staying for dinner and she had a lot of fun playing some games with the kids… when I got called in, I didn't want to disturb you and then Erika offered to stay, I hope you don't mind."
"Why would I mind, Trev? She's your sister, she's really nice. I like her a lot. We sat in the kitchen and had a really nice talk and then… I got the call…"
"She's still at home with them I gather?" he asked.
"Oh shit, yeah I'm supposed to call her to update her." He leaned forward and picked up his phone from the hospital tray table and passed it to her. "Just text her and tell her I'm alright."
Olivia ignored him and looked for her contact. "What is she saved as?" she wondered, not being able to find her.
"Ez," he replied. "Childhood nickname, my parents hated it so I used it more," he explained.
Olivia found her and sent the call through.
Olivia stood in the bathroom brushing her teeth, relieved that Trevor seemed 100% himself. He wasn't hurt and he didn't seem affected at all save for the dark spot on his cheek bone that was turning in to a bruise. He was putting Noah to bed and grabbing some soda to add to a glass of whisky he wanted to wind down.
Olivia lifted her t-shirt slightly and stared at herself in the mirror. She knew at best she was around 8 weeks pregnant – it was a guess, but it was when she was able to trace back her upset stomach and her weird aversions to food.
She stared for a moment, noticing a slight swell in her stomach, it could have easily been mistaken as bloating, which she had before. Now, though, she thought, the slight curve on the lower part of her stomach seemed to make more sense.
She couldn't help but feel a mixture of happiness and fear that brought back that swirl of nausea again.
"Sweetie, what are you doing?" Trevor asked, startling her. She quickly pulled her shirt down and looked up at him almost guiltily.
He came in to the bathroom and gave her a soft smile. "Olivia, you look beautiful, stop worrying about your weight."
She almost breathed a sigh of relief that he didn't pick it up. She let him slide his arms around her. "K…" she agreed.
She got in to bed and slid down on to the pillow while he sat up, looking at his phone and sipping his whisky. "I guess if one positive can be taken from this, there's actual evidence of Sanchez committing a crime today," he remarked, taking a sip and letting the warm smokiness of the whisky dance upon his taste-buds.
It was an instant relief; the tension fell from his shoulders.
"That's one way to look at it, I guess," Olivia replied over her shoulder.
She couldn't really concentrate on much else besides the pulsating in her brain from the what-ifs that bounced around her head. She was very aware that he could possibly want to break up with her if he didn't want the pregnancy.
She almost jumped a mile, feeling his hand on her shoulder. "Olivia, can I ask you a serious question?"
She rolled on to her back to face him. "Yeah…"
"I feel like… something is off with us, at first you weren't feeling very good and you still won't go to the doctor, but there's a part of me that feels like that's an excuse for something bigger…" she went to say something but he stopped her, "and then you almost recoil when I touch you now and I've barely gotten a word out of you since we left the hospital." He paused before he spoke again. He held her eye contact, "honestly, it's starting to hurt a little. I don't know what's going on so I can only assume it's me."
He watched her eyes fill with tears and immediately spill over. He really couldn't believe how emotional she was. He didn't mind, but it was exhausting when she kept insisting that the cause was nothing serious.
"Liv…" he started, "I don't know what to do here…" he was exasperated and frustrated that she was holding something in.
She eased herself up so she was sitting. He didn't make a move to comfort her immediately. "We need to talk."
"Shit… should I finish my drink?" he asked, a feeling of dread filling him up.
"Maybe," she murmured. He stared at her for a moment trying to determine whether or not she was about to break up with him.
"Wait before you say anything-" he started, "I know its been hard with everything that happened with Helena and I'm sorry if I've made you feel less important-"
Olivia knew he was expecting her to give him bad news about their relationship – and maybe she was, but she didn't want him to think that they were going to be breaking up on her account.
"Trevor- I'm pregnant." She spoke over the top of him, letting the words fall out of her mouth as though they she had to push them over the edge of a cliff and she was watching for how long they'd take to land – if the innocent casualty, their relationship, could withstand the impact.
"Wait, what?" he almost choked on his words.
"I'm pregnant," she repeated, not even daring to look at his face.
He sat for a second; shocked in to silence. He blithely stared in to space, his eyes glazed over by the questions coming to mind hard and fast. He felt woozy again. He was still holding his whisky in his hands and chugged it down all in one go. He didn't care about the burn in his throat or the heat that felt as though he would could suddenly begin to breathe fire.
A family of five.
One more than two.
Three children to look after, Liv would be a mother again; he would watch her stomach swell over the coming months with the growing of a child within her.
"How?" he asked finally. "I mean…obviously I know how but- I thought you were using birth control."
Olivia's shoulders slumped; his voice sounded accusatory and even though his question bothered her, she knew it wasn't an unreasonable thing to ask. She raised a hand up to cover her face. Saying it out loud made her feel even stupider, "I thought I was going through menopause, the lack of period, the other symptoms… I figured it didn't matter, I stopped taking it."
"Okay," he said in an even way. "How far along, do you know?"
"I'd guess around 8 weeks…"
He finally looked at her and realized that when he found her in the bathroom, she wasn't obsessing over her weight she was trying to figure out if she could see a swollen belly.
He thought back and realized all of the vomiting and the aversions to food made sense –she'd avoided alcohol for awhile too, "how long have you known about this? Have you been hiding this from me for awhile?" he tried to keep his tone even but the idea of her keeping something so big from him made him angry.
"No!" she exclaimed, "I found out tonight."
"But you haven't let a glass of wine pass your lips for weeks, Liv, don't lie to me," he insisted. His tone emotionless, almost cold, she thought.
"I'm not lying to you!" she snapped, frustrated. She hadn't expected him to be so … sterile about the news. She would have almost preferred him to be angry. He wasn't angry, he wasn't upset, he just seemed irate if she was pushed to call an emotion. "I've felt like shit for weeks, that's why I wasn't drinking."
"So you're pregnant…" his voice trailed off.
"You know Trevor, I feel like this is pretty one-sided; you seem irritated with me but you know where babies come from too and you were totally okay with blowing inside of me before you even knew I was on birth control!"
"How does that even matter anyway?" he said with a frustrated laugh, running his fingers through his own hair, "birth control only works if you're actually taking it, Olivia!" he watched her get up out of bed and pull on a pair of sweats.
"Fuck you, Trevor," she muttered, ignoring the tears falling down her face. "I don't need anything from you, I don't expect anything from you, I can do it on my own, just like every other fucking thing that's ever been important in my life, I just feel stupid for believing that this time I had someone who's words would be backed up by their actions."
"Wait," he said, holding his hands up, "Olivia-"
She ignored him and made her way back downstairs.
"Fuck!" he cursed, getting up and heading down after her.
He found her at the bottom of the staircase sitting on the last step, sobbing in to her own hands. He felt terrible. He made his way down and took a seat on the step beside her. "Olivia, stop running from me," he said quietly, slipping an arm around her. "I just… need to process this, this is not what I expected to hear today."
"Don't touch me," she murmured, wriggling him away. "I don't need you."
He found himself smiling because he knew she didn't mean it. He knew it was her go-to defense when she felt threatened or scared. "Yes you do and if you don't need me, I definitely need you," he told her, trying again with his arm around her and leaning close, speaking softly. "Just…" he started, "just hear me out, okay?"
He pulled her hands away from her face and looked at her tear-stained cheeks. "Liv, come on, look at me…"
She finally dared to. "I didn't mean to sound like I was blaming you, we are obviously equal parts responsible for this baby of ours," he added. She felt a tiny bit of relief hearing him refer to it as theirs.
"When we were going to Connecticut, you said you wished it was earlier, that you would have loved to have children with me, was that bullshit?" she asked, "I know its easier to throw those lines out there when you know its not going to happen…"
"Of course I meant it," he replied sincerely, taking her cheeks in both of his hands, "its just a lot right now, there's been a lot of changes for us and for the kids, it just … I dunno, it's timing and also I'm still processing."
He kissed her forehead.
"What are you saying? You want me to give this baby up?" she pressed. "Because this is the only opportunity I've ever had to experience carrying my own child and I-"
"No, Olivia, I would never suggest we give up our baby," he said with an air of certainty, silencing her words.
"Trevor, I really can do this on my own, if this isn't what you want – I get it, I'll move back in to my apartment with Noah, we'll be fine."
"I get it, Liv, you don't need me," he rolled his eyes, "you can do anything on your own, you're wonder-woman-"
"Don't patronize me," she breathed in, angry, trying hard to not lose her temper. Her emotions were all over the place and she was struggling to contain her heartbreak at the idea of them not being able to navigate this particular complication.
"Olivia, I've had a lot happen tonight and I did not expect you to give me this news… it's a lot and you can't be angry with me for processing. I don't want you to move out. I don't want you to do this alone and I certainly don't want you to have my baby and expect nothing from me."
"What do you want me to do then?" she asked, shaking her head feeling as though she was ready to break down again.
"I want you to relax and in the least demeaning way possible, calm down and stop being angry with me." He felt her shivering in his arms, finally melting away. She started to cry. He wrapped his arms around her and held her close.
"We'll figure it out," he added, stroking her hair. He kissed her temple. He tried to find some of the positives in order to make her feel a little better. "Hey… at least I know that my touch isn't repelling you," he tried to joke. "I was a little scared."
She reciprocated his embrace. It felt good to have the air clear between them – despite the surreal feeling knowing that his girlfriend was carrying his child, he was relieved that he didn't have to keep wondering and keep trying to figure out which version of Olivia he would get.
"What else do you know about this pregnancy?" he wondered, trying to keep her communicating and not shutting down on him.
She shrugged and wiped away her tears, pulling from his embrace. "I don't know, I just…" she tried to compose herself, "Melinda realized before I did, I feel so fucking stupid," she admitted.
"What made you think you were going through menopause?" Trevor asked, "I don't ask to be rude, I'm just trying to follow your thought process."
"I guess… I just feel old… and then my period became abnormal and I mentioned to my GP and he said that it can be hereditary, early menopause, it happened to my Mom early so I just… assumed," she sighed. "And then…I was taking a new kind of birth control from when we met and it made my hormones fuck with me so I figured, no period, menopause, it'll be fine…"
"Right," Trevor nodded, "I'm sorry that I was mean upstairs, I didn't intend on making you feel stupid, I was just…" he sighed, "I guess for the past few weeks I've started to think that you were depressed or… were maybe hiding something from me, maybe taking on Eloise had been too much, I dunno… I've tried not to worry about it, but you wouldn't tell me and—"
"It's because I didn't know," she shot back, fresh tears filling her face like she was concerned he might not have believed her.
He brushed them away. "I know… it's okay, Liv… come on, let's get you up, these stairs are cold and in to bed, I don't want you to get a cold." He didn't just have to worry about taking care of her anymore, he had to take care of the child that had been given life inside of her. She was only wearing a t-shirt and underwear.
He led her to their bedroom and watched her head to the bathroom again to wash her face.
Trevor poured himself another drink. Once in bed, he drew her close to him. "I love you, okay? Don't forget that."
"I love you too…" she murmured.
He took a big mouthful of the whisky before setting it down. "Oh wait," he gave a little laugh, "that's why you didn't want me to touch your boobs anymore, are they sore?" he wondered.
"Yeah, achey and so fucking sore," she admitted.
"Fuck… when I made you bleed…" his voice trailed off, "Did I hurt the baby?" he asked, "is that why you were bleeding?"
"No," she said quickly, "that's normal for that to happen apparently… it doesn't mean anything bad."
"Okay," he accepted her answer. "what other things has our baby been causing you that's been out of character?" he asked, trying to be gentle, not wanting to suggest she had been hypersensitive.
"I can't stop crying at every fucking thing that wouldn't normally make me even blink twice," she sighed. "Like, why am I even crying right now? I'm not even sad, just… tired which I guess is another symptom."
Trevor found himself chuckling. "You've had a baby in you this whole time…" he finally smiled, "my baby." He paused, taking her shoulder and giving her a cheeky smile. "Wait, its my baby, right?"
She slapped his shoulder, thankful that he was smiling. "You better be joking," she muttered.
He turned his head and kissed her lips. "So, the exhaustion part of this pregnancy, did Melinda suggest anything?"
"Take it easy at work, organize shorter shifts…she'll get the blood results back tomorrow but she did a litmus test which showed a positive result."
"Sounds like good advice." He paused, "Sorry that I didn't ask, but how do you feel about this?"
She paused and shrugged. "Any feeling I have has been overshadowed by the fear of telling you – that you might leave or want me to leave and I'd totally understand it…"
"Forget me, I'm not leaving and I'm really sorry that you felt scared to tell me," he frowned, "I don't ever want you to feel scared to approach me with anything…" He asked again, "What do you feel about it all?"
Olivia thought before she answered, "I don't know… on one hand its all I've ever wanted is to give Noah a brother or a sister but I feel like I've just done that with Eloise but… the idea of you and I sharing a child together is also… special and kind of … in a way brings us all together as one."
He smiled. "That's positive, Liv. I think this is just something else we have to adjust to, in particular I need to process, think about it all, it doesn't mean I'm unhappy, it just… has to sink in."
She nodded. "I am going to need to sleep while you do that, I can barely keep my eyes open and I'm supposed to be starting at 6."
"I think you need to just listen to your body. Get to work when you can, don't put too much pressure on yourself. Goodnight, my Olivia."
She managed a weary smile and kissed his lips. "Goodnight…" she wanted to ideally stay up and talk more but the overwhelming exhaustion coupled with all the crying she had spent her day doing, she felt spent.
She laid down and curled beneath the covers and closed her eyes.