Buck slammed his apartment door behind him, sucking in desperate breaths. He'd like to blame the lack of air on the fact that he'd just ran a few miles nonstop, but that wasn't the only reason. It was actually a miracle he'd made it there at all, since his tears had blurred his vision the whole way. Maybe it would've been better for everyone if he'd just run into traffic. Then Eddie wouldn't have to worry about getting hurt by him again.

Eddie. He'd hurt Eddie. The man who'd been his best friend for years now. The man he spent more time with than anyone. The man who trusted him enough to give him his son if he died. Would that still happen if Buck was the cause of his death?

Buck let out a shout of misery, swiping his arm across the top of his kitchen counter. A couple of glasses flew off, shattering as they made contact with the hard floor. But Buck didn't care. If he'd been in his right mind, he'd be mortified by that uncharacteristic display. But Buck wasn't in his right mind. He didn't even know who he was anymore.

He'd hurt Eddie. The man he'd promised he'd watch out for since the day they'd pulled a grenade out of a guy's leg. He was supposed to protect Eddie from pain, not inflict it. Eddie had been through so much more shit than he deserved, and now Buck was just piling more on. What did that say about him?

The sound of his phone ringing in his pocket snapped him out of his spiral. The sight of Bobby's name on the display made his knees a little weak. Of course it wasn't Eddie calling. Eddie had been hurt by him. And it wasn't Chimney or Hen either, since they were probably busy trying to put Eddie back together. But Buck didn't think anyone could undo the damage he'd caused.

He set the phone on the counter, letting it ring itself out. Buck deserved to hear the shrill sound for as long as it lasted. He'd run away before receiving the punishment he was rightly owed for what he'd done. He would take any other suffering the world decided to dish out, but he couldn't stand the idea of hearing it from the people he cared about.

Maybe that made him a coward, but he couldn't listen to what Bobby had to say to him right now. Whether it be anger or understanding, just hearing the sound of his voice would rip Buck to pieces.

How could he possibly go back to work after this? How could he face anyone? Would they all be waiting for the moment he snapped again? If it happened once, it would happen again. Buck had been naive enough to think that the first panic attack would be the only one, but they just kept coming and coming. And now they were getting worse. It was fine if he was the only one hurt by them, but Eddie being hurt was unacceptable.

Buck robotically bent down to pick up the pieces of glass, just to give himself something to do. He didn't deserve to do the stupid relaxation techniques he'd learned after all this started. Eddie probably wasn't relaxing either.

Buck's fist clenched at the thought of Eddie and he hissed in pain as a shard of glass pierced his skin. He uncurled his fingers, finding a small bead of blood well up in his palm. His breath caught as he flashed back to how his hands looked after Eddie was shot. It felt like he would never be clean again after that. Like his hands would be stained red for everyone to see. So everyone would know how he'd failed to save the person he was closest to in this world.

Buck tossed the bits of glass back onto the floor and pressed the heels of his hands into his eyes, trying to stave off the next round of tears. What did he have to cry about? Of course he ruined everything he touched. He failed at what he was born to do and it never got better from there. Buck was always disappointing people, but he was too selfish to stop trying. And Eddie had let him in, to his inevitable detriment.

Maybe his time in Los Angeles was over. This had been the best place he ever lived, with the best people, but he should've known it wouldn't last. Moving around and not making real connections had been the better idea. It was terribly lonely, even while he was in beautiful places, surrounded by beautiful people. But that was safer. If he didn't care about anyone and no one cared about him, no one could be let down.

Buck took a deep breath and smacked his cheeks, trying to snap out of his spiral. There was no point in sitting amongst some shattered glass, contemplating his life. He didn't need the symbolism to prove how much he'd screwed up his life. At least this was one mess he'd be able to clean up.

Buck grabbed his broom and dustpan and started sweeping everything into a pile. If only it were this simple with everything else. He felt something different bump against the bristles under the cabinet, so he bent down to grab whatever it was. His vision immediately blurred with tears the second he realized what it was.

About a week ago, his building manager decided to replace the locks on everyone's units. Buck had gotten the standard two keys like he always did. The first was his of course, but the second was always earmarked for Eddie. They'd exchanged keys years ago, without much fanfare. It was just a given that they would have open access to each other's homes.

He hadn't given Eddie the new one yet because he'd wanted to find the perfect keychain for it. Eddie wasn't a keychain guy, but Buck liked to do anything to make him smile. He'd spent a ridiculous amount of time online looking for something, just for a few seconds of humor. And when he'd found the fake rabbit's foot, he knew it was perfect. For the man who didn't believe in luck. They both could've used some today, but it was too late.

Buck sank back down to the floor with the key clutched in his hand, not able to stop the tears from coming this time. He'd messed up so badly and now all he had left was an extra key and no one to give it to. Giving it to Maddie had never even crossed his mind. What did that mean? It was always Eddie. Buck would never have him after what he'd done, but it was always going to be Eddie.

Waking up in a hospital bed was getting kind of old. He hadn't done it that often, but even once was too many. Eddie was beginning to lose count, but that also could've been because of the dull throb in the back of his head and the spaciness caused by the drugs he could feel coursing through his veins. He hated all of this.

"Eddie? Are you awake?" Eddie peeled his eyes open, squinting painfully at the bright lights in the room. Why did they always have to be so bright? Didn't they know how much it sucked to wake up to a harsh glare in your eyes? "Eddie?"

"Bobby," Eddie murmured, acknowledging the older man. Couldn't Bobby do something about the lights? And then maybe tell him what the hell was going on. Then tell him when he could leave. In that order. "What- what-"

"You hit your head, but you're okay. A bit of a concussion, but nothing that won't be fine after some rest," Bobby explained. Eddie was glad Bobby knew what he needed, since he didn't seem to be able to get the words out. Although it was sort of strange for Bobby to be the one with him. Usually it was someone else. Someone who would be climbing the walls until he saw Eddie awake.

"Where's Buck?" Eddie asked, letting his eyes fall shut again. Buck would give him all the details, then lecture him about being more careful, then fuss over him until Eddie lost his mind. If Eddie could count on anything, it was that. But when Bobby didn't answer after a few seconds, Eddie could tell something was wrong. "Bobby?"

"Buck's not here," Bobby said quietly. Eddie forced his eyes open again, staring at the man he respected so much. He was holding something back, but for the life of him, Eddie couldn't remember what it was. That is, until someone dropped something in the hallway outside of his room. The bang was like a punch to his gut, knocking the wind out of his lungs and the memories back into his skull.

"Buck," Eddie whispered, remembering the loud noise and Buck's panic. Buck flashing back to an event neither of them liked to think about. Buck coming back to himself, only to find Eddie bleeding. Buck running off and Eddie powerless to stop him. "Where is he?"

"He took off and no one's seen him since. His jeep is still at the station and he isn't answering his phone," Bobby replied. "We figured we'd give him a chance to calm down, then find him once we saw you were awake and okay."

"I have to go," Eddie said resolutely, pushing himself to sit up straighter.

"Eddie, slow down. You have a concussion and you just woke up. You need your rest and pushing yourself isn't going to help anything," Bobby said, standing up to try to dissuade Eddie from moving too much. He wasn't having it.

"I don't care. I have to see him," Eddie insisted, looking around for the call button. The nurses needed to detach him from everything before he ripped it all off himself.

"Calm down."

"I can't! God, he's probably beating himself up over what happened. The longer I wait to see him, the worse it's going to be," Eddie groaned.

"Eddie-"

"I wasn't there in the way I should've been before, but I won't make that mistake again," Eddie ground out, staring over at Bobby seriously. "There is nothing you can say or do that will stop me from going to Buck."

"Told you, Cap," Hen smirked from the doorway of the hospital room. She was standing there with Chimney, holding a gym bag.

"I keep hoping my people will stop being so stubborn," Bobby sighed, shaking his head. "Today is not that day."

"Aw, come on. You love us," Chimney grinned, walking over to pat him on the shoulder.

"How are you doing?" Hen asked, standing over on Eddie's other side.

"I'll be okay once I see Buck."

"Well, good thing I've got something to help you out with that," Hen said, setting the bag on the edge of the bed. "We stopped by the station and grabbed your stuff."

"Thank you." He wouldn't have let the hospital clothes stop him from going to find Buck, but this was better. "My truck?"

"Still at the station. There's no way we're letting you drive like this," Bobby said firmly. Eddie nodded in agreement. Wrapping his truck around a pole because he couldn't see straight wouldn't help him get to Buck faster.

"And I called Carla. She's gonna take Christopher to my house for a sleepover, if that's alright? I already talked it over with Karen and we're happy to have him."

"Shit, thanks," Eddie groaned. He'd forgotten to even ask about his son, since Buck was usually the one who dealt with that when Eddie was indisposed. Eddie had come to count on Buck so much. There was no way he could do anything less for Buck.

"We look out for each other. That's what we do."

"And we all know you're the only one who can get through to Buck right now," Chimney added, fiddling with something behind his back.

"What's that?" Eddie asked, knowing it had to do with him. Chimney sheepishly brought his hands to his front, holding out a bundle of fabric. Eddie reached up to touch his head, feeling the bandage wrapped around it and the signs of something missing from a patch on the back of his scalp. "Shit."

"It doesn't look bad," Hen said quickly.

"It'll grow back. I know from experience," Chimney added with a smirk.

"But maybe that shouldn't be the first thing Buck sees when you find him."

"Yeah," Eddie sighed, accepting the beanie. It was going to be a big, glaring sign that something was wrong, but that was unavoidable. It was just hair and if that's all Eddie lost, he would consider himself lucky. There was something a lot more precious that he needed to get back. Someone more precious.