It took a while for Eddie to get dressed and discharged, and every minute felt like an eternity. Every second that passed was another that Buck was beating himself up over what happened. And Eddie knew that for a fact because he was doing the exact same thing. He should've seen the signs and acted before any of this could've happened. Once again, he'd let Buck down.

He took an Uber, even though everyone insisted that they could drive him to Buck's. Eddie needed the time to himself to get his thoughts in order, without a knowing audience. Bobby would want to talk and be understanding, Hen would be inquisitive, yet supportive, and Chimney would throw in some life advice in between jokes. Eddie couldn't deal with any of that right now, or the high probability of them wanting to stay to make sure everything worked out. This was between him and Buck.

Eddie couldn't stop fiddling with the hat on his head. Besides the helmet he wore on calls, he wasn't much of a hat guy. But he didn't want the glaringly white bandage on his head visible at all if he could help it. And he didn't even want to think about how long he was going to be sporting a bald patch. Even if he made things right with Buck, that would be a reminder for a while.

He felt his stomach clench in nervousness as the driver turned onto Buck's street. Usually it would be a nervous excitement, but now it was dread. Buck's loft was one of his favorite places. Eddie could breathe there in a way he couldn't anywhere else. It was obviously because of the person who lived there, since he could say the same thing about the firehouse when Buck was on shift as well. And while Eddie had just seen it as him being around the best friend he'd ever had, it had gradually begun to feel like more than that, at least on his end. Now probably wasn't the best time to have this talk, but Eddie knew it needed to happen soon. The fear of this situation showed him that it wasn't worth it to waste time.

Eddie gingerly climbed out of the car as soon as it was parked. He'd forced himself to not show any pain when he was climbing in, since everyone was watching him. It hadn't been too hard, since the drugs were still swirling around in his system. But now that he'd been sitting in one spot for a while, dealing with the turns and bumps of LA traffic, the achiness was back. Eddie's head was throbbing and his back was sore. To top it all off, he hadn't taken the time to fill the prescriptions they gave him. Not like he'd take them though. He didn't like the way painkillers made him feel and he only took them when he was around someone he could trust. Like Buck. But he needed a clear head for this.

The elevator seemed slower and extra jerky as he rode it, but Eddie knew that was just his mind playing tricks on him. It was like the universe was messing with him to keep him from Buck even longer. He would normally take the stairs, but that would probably be pushing it. Eddie already felt like he was ready to pass out on Buck's couch, but that could wait until after they talked. He knew how to power through a concussion and even worse injuries, so he could deal.

Buck's door seemed so big and ominous when he was finally standing in front of it. That sounded dumb, since it was just a door, but it was a physical representation of the barrier between them. There was something inside of both of them that was blocking them from being completely honest with each other. From Buck's struggles, to Eddie's feelings. He didn't want that there anymore, and this had to be the first step.

"Buck?" Eddie called through the door, knocking firmly. Letting himself in with his key would be his last resort. He waited for a few moments, listening for any sign that Buck was inside. Eddie really hoped he was, because if not, he could be anywhere. Buck knew what it was like to drop everything and start a new life. He didn't think Buck would do anything that drastic right now, but it was still a possibility.

"Buck, you here? It's Eddie." He probably didn't need to say that, since Buck knew the sound of his voice just as well as Eddie knew Buck's, but he didn't really know what else to say. He needed to do this face to face, not shouting in a hallway for everyone else to hear. "You think you could let me in?"

The silence was stifling. It felt like those weeks during the lawsuit where Buck wasn't allowed to talk to him and Eddie never wanted to go back to anything like that. Those were some of the worst days of his life. And maybe he was being dramatic, since it had only been a few hours since they'd seen each other, but this was different. There was trauma pulling them apart and if it went unchecked, they might never make it back to what they once were. What if Buck realized it was too hard to be around Eddie? That the constant reminder would prevent him from getting better? Eddie prayed Buck wouldn't come to that conclusion, but the longer they stayed fractured, the bigger the rift would get.

"Please, will you talk to me? I can't stand this," Eddie said softly, unsure if his voice even carried through the door. He was not the type to lay his heart bare for all to see, but he would do it all and more for Buck. "Please, just give me a chance."

Eddie could make this right. He could. No matter what Buck needed, he'd give it. Even if Buck said that he needed space or time or that the sight of Eddie made him sick, he'd listen. But he needed to hear him say it. Eddie needed a definitive answer, instead of toiling away in limbo. It was time for the last resort. He could apologize for the intrusion later.

"I'm gonna use my key," Eddie announced. If Buck had a problem with it, he had time to stop him. When he didn't even hear a breath of protest, he slid the key into the lock. But it didn't work. "What?"

Eddie wasn't sure how many times he twisted the key, figuring it was just him doing something wrong. He had a head injury after all. He even flipped the key over, rechecked to see if he'd grabbed the right one, prayed Hen had brought the wrong set, and tried a different key out of desperation. But none of them worked. None of Eddie's keys worked.

"You changed the locks?" Eddie whispered, staring down at the knob until it went blurry. But they'd promised that they'd always have access to each other's homes. They said it was for emergencies and just to make things easier, like when Buck would take Christopher somewhere or when Buck was laid up and couldn't get to the door quickly, but it became more than that over time. At least it had to Eddie. It was about trust and opening up parts of each other that most people didn't have access to. But now that was gone? What had Eddie done to be shut out like this?

"Oh," Eddie choked out, trying valiantly to keep his breathing even. Even though he was about to break. What did this mean? How had they gone from making weekend plans to this? Had Buck really taken the time to change his locks while Eddie was unconscious in the hospital? It was already too late, wasn't it? "I guess that's my answer."

Buck was startled awake by the sound of knocking at his door. He hadn't realized he'd cried himself to sleep after finding the keychain. How pathetic was that? Tucking himself against his kitchen cabinets to hide from the world. He should ask whoever was on the other side of the door to put him out of his misery.

"Buck?"

Buck sucked in a sharp breath, covering his mouth before any sound could escape. It was Eddie. Eddie was outside his loft. Eddie was okay. Buck almost jumped up and ran to the door, but he held back. What was the right move here?

"Buck, you here? It's Eddie. You think you could let me in?"

He wanted to. So badly. But it was like there was a force preventing him from leaving the ground. Probably the crushing guilt that felt like it was suffocating him with every second that passed.

"Please, will you talk to me? I can't stand this."

But what could Buck say? Sorry that even with all the dangerous events they went through, he couldn't count on his best friend to not hurt him? If they could still be considered that, after all this. Buck had fantasized that they'd become more, but now it wasn't looking like they'd be friends at all.

"Please, give me a chance."

Buck was giving Eddie a chance. A chance to be safe. A chance to find someone better. A chance to get away from Buck before he could do something irreparable. Eddie would eventually see that this was the right choice. It was easy to forget about Buck, once things started settling into their proper spaces. Once the Buck shaped disaster was out of the way. Buck had been so many places and lived so many lives, but he wasn't in touch with a single person he'd left behind. That spoke volumes.

"I'm gonna use my key."

Buck's stomach dropped. He listened to Eddie trying the key and his tiny word of surprise. Buck could see Eddie's face so clearly in his mind and it made him sick. The denial and resignation and the pain of rejection.

"You changed the locks?"

Of course he didn't. He would never do such a thing to Eddie. But maybe it was better if he thought that. Maybe it would be easier for the hurt to turn to anger. Maybe it would keep Eddie away until Buck could leave and save them all.

"Oh."

Buck bit his lip as the tears started flowing again. Why did it have to be like this? Why couldn't Buck be stronger? Everyone else went through so much and they were fine. Maddie never attacked Chimney after what happened with Doug. And Bobby and Athena had been through so much together, but they were still so strong. Buck was too weak to be around anyone.

"I guess that's my answer."

Buck listened as Eddie moved around outside of his door, then there was nothing. He was alone again, just like he deserved to be. The tears kept coming, but he didn't make a sound. It felt like he couldn't. His body was too numb to do anything more than stare blankly at the place his best friend had just been.

Somehow, this felt worse than his panic attacks. At least then, he wasn't thinking properly. His emotions were too volatile to do much of anything besides ride it out. But now he felt the cold reality. That one moment during their call earlier had completely destroyed his life.

Buck wasn't sure how long he'd been sitting there, staring at the door, but it was long enough for the light outside to change. Where was Eddie now? Did he go back to the station to tell everyone that Buck wasn't who they thought he was? Did he go home to Christopher and tell him that he wasn't going to be around anymore? That when he promised to always be there, it was a lie? He'd meant it when he said it with his whole heart. If Buck could choose where to be for the rest of his life, it would be on that couch in the Diaz house.

So what was he doing? Why was he sitting here as if he wasn't in control of his decisions? Why was he going to repeat past mistakes by shutting everyone out, just like he had during the lawsuit? Even if he did end up leaving, didn't they deserve to hear why? Not to talk him out of it, but to get the closure they deserved?

Buck ran a determined hand down his face, wiping away the tear tracks. He didn't get to run off without facing Eddie first. Even if Buck ended up hurt in the end, Eddie deserved to know why this had to happen. To hear the truth about how Buck felt about him. To know without a shadow of a doubt that this wasn't Eddie's fault at all. To hear his goodbye.

Buck pulled himself up and strode determinedly to the door. He had to do this now, before he convinced himself not to. He'd search all night for Eddie, if that's what it took. If this was the last thing he ever did in this city, with these people, he was going to do it right. Buck threw open the door, only for something to tumble at his feet.

"Eddie?"