Hey guys, heres the next chapter... what do you think?
"Thank you for everything, for the rush to get all this done, I really am so grateful," Olivia told Trevor with tired smile as they got in to bed. Olivia was going to express as much as she could and then wait for Teddy to wake up for his feed. Trevor was going to get up to do the second feed to give her some time to sleep.
"You're welcome," he smiled. He nursed Teddy, holding him against his shoulder, enjoying the infant's warmth. Olivia smiled at them. "I am so tired that I feel drunk," she remarked.
"Why don't you sleep while you express."
She glanced down and laughed. "I feel like a cow, this is not a natural feeling, I don't care what anyone says."
Trevor laughed. "I think its all pretty amazing, honestly and I like that you're really open about it."
"What do you mean?" she asked.
"Helena was so… private about having time to herself to express milk and she hated it if I was near her, she'd cover Eloise so I couldn't watch which… sounds maybe creepy from me, but I-"
"Its okay to be curious and interested, it's a pretty amazing thing if you think about what the body can do…" she finished for him, "you've seen more intimate parts of me than my boobs," she added with a laugh.
He nodded, "I think that's what it is," he chuckled, "curiousness because it is amazing what a woman can do to prep for it's child… and all us men have to do is ejaculate, pretty pathetic in comparison."
They shared a laugh.
"Soooo…. Guess what I got told when I took the kids with Sonny earlier…" he began.
"What?" Olivia asked, wondering if he was going to share the news about Erika and Sonny moving in to together.
He smiled. "Sonny's parents are pushing him to propose," he chuckled.
"What!" Olivia exclaimed, "Are you kidding? How does he feel about that? How do you feel about that?"
Trevor laughed lightly and Olivia was surprised; she half expected him to be concerned, even irate.
He shrugged, "I guess that Sonny has proven himself to me and I've seen my sister with him and she's so … different. She was with Mitch for 7 years and she wasn't as happy as she is now."
Olivia was pleased to hear the logic from her husband-to-be, "but it hasn't even been a year for them, what like 6 months?"
Trevor laughed, "Yeah… he said he knows its way too soon but he told me it's on the cards."
"I wonder how he feels about not having kids."
"We talked about that yesterday morning," Trevor informed her, "he said he gets sad that he can't give her that, but they talk about it a lot and they both agree that down the track they will look at adoption or foster care."
"That's positive… I hope Erika will want to adopt, when you want a baby so bad, it doesn't matter if its biological or not, you still have that same capacity to bond and love."
He nodded, "doesn't even have to be a baby, my capacity to fall in love with a six-year-old the way that I did with my biological children was surprising even to me. I thought it would be more effort than it was."
Olivia leaned her head on Trevor's bicep and tried to ignore very soft whirring of the milk pump. "How are you finding that?" he asked, nodding toward the pump, "is it okay?"
"Yeah," she smiled, "it's good, its quiet and it doesn't hurt, its really comfortable and I've already got almost a full feed for him from one breast so maybe I can get a second feed from the left side and start freezing my milk."
"Whatever you think—" Trevor replied, "I know you have that natural ability to know what's right, I'm just here to marvel over both my baby and his mama," he winked, turning his head to kiss Olivia.
She finished up with the pump and dragged herself up out of bed. Trevor offered his help but she knew she had to start getting around on her own.
"Thank you for really knowing how lazy I am, it speaks to my soul," she turned back to him, giving him a smile over her shoulder as she made her way to the corner of the room, pulling open a sliding cupboard behind a large built-in wall unit which hid a small refrigerator with an ice box freezer at the top of it. She placed the one of the sachets of milk inside the ice box and the other inside the refrigerator.
Trevor laughed, understanding that she was talking about the fridge. "I just thought it makes things easier than going up and downstairs all day for things. Also, it's hidden behind the cupboard, out of the way of little hands so that we can keep Mommy and Daddy snacks in there like chocolate and sugary soda…"
Olivia chuckled as she made her way back to bed. "I like the sound of that, actually, I'll tell you what I need, a giant, cold, freezing coca cola. Can we make that happen tomorrow?" she asked him as she came back to bed.
Trevor smiled at her, "Of course baby, whatever you want..."
"Thanks." She kissed his lips. "Thanks for being so perfect."
"I love you Mama," he winked. "Why don't you have a little rest while I sit up with Mr. Teddy and read for awhile and then when he needs a feed, I'll do the diaper and then pass him over to you and we can swap."
"I love you so much. I can't tell you how good it feels to be in our bed…" she eased down and got comfortable, wincing on the way down.
Trevor eased down too, picking up his book on the bedside table while he adjusted Teddy on his chest, pulling the covers up around them. He couldn't help but rest his cheek on his son's warm crown and smile at Liv. "I love you too, Liv…" he reached over and stroked her hair. "Have a good rest."
"Thanks…" she stared for a moment at Trevor and Teddy looking both so restful. Olivia reached up and placed her hand on her son's warm back in his tiny plain, blue terry-cloth onesie that was just a little too big on him.
She closed her eyes and fell asleep almost instantly.
/
"OK guys, I need you to be a little quieter, the baby is asleep, Mom is asleep and we need to just be respectful."
Eloise sighed and put her hand on her hip and glared at her father, "that baby is always asleep."
Trevor gave her a warning look. "Elly," his tone was sharp, "do not sass me. You are supposed to be getting ready for school. I need you to do it more quietly."
"I'm really sorry, Trevor," Lucy apologized, catching up with the almost-four-year old. "she bolted from me…"
"Its okay," Trevor smiled, realizing Eloise was missing a sock. "She's just a little out of sorts because of the B-A-B-Y."
"I know that that spells baby!" Eloise glanced over her shoulder with irate at her father while Lucy got to her knees to help her put her second sock on.
"You are…" he began but let a breath out, "you are getting a little too smart for your own good, young lady," he told her. He and Lucy shared a smirk.
"Noah, are you almost ready to go?" Trevor called out.
"Daddy, I can't find my book," he said, frowning as he came in to the kitchen with his school bag.
"Which book is it, son?" he asked, still a little bleary-eyed from waking up later than he'd meant to. He picked up his spare glasses from the kitchen counter where he had left them the night before and put them on.
"My Math notebook, I was doing homework with Uncle Sonny yesterday and now I can't find it."
Trevor took Noah's school bag that he'd flung on the floor in a bad mood. He placed it on the kitchen table and opened it and pulled everything out. He sighed, "Noah, it's right here," he called out.
"Daddy…" Noah began, quietly, looking up at his father, putting his arms around his waist, "I don't want to go to school today, can I please stay home with you and Mom?" he asked, knowing that the answer would be no.
"Bud," Trevor began, squatting down, taking his hands, "You don't need to miss school, Mom and I are both going to be here when you get home, we are going to be busy with Teddy."
Noah burst in to tears. "You're always busy with Teddy," he said sadly.
Trevor gave him a hug for a moment before pulling away. "Listen," he said seriously, "we've only been home for a few days, you are right, we have been really busy with Teddy, but he is so little and he needs us… but soon when Mom and I have it all figured out, things will go back to normal."
"No it won't," Noah replied. "Teddy is staying and you and Mommy don't care about us as much."
"Noah, don't do that," Trevor said seriously, "that's hurtful to me and Mom. We do care about you and Elly just as much but now you have a brother and you need to be kinder to all of us about it and you need to be patient."
He was a little frustrated with Noah but was trying his best to be patient too. "Now, go put your shoes on, I'm taking you to school today."
"I don't want to go to school!" Noah stomped angrily. "I won't go! I wanna see Mommy! You're not the boss of me anymore!"
"Noah," Trevor began calmly but with a hint of warning to his tone, "drop that tone and drop that attitude right now. I've had enough."
Noah ignored Trevor and made his way upstairs, yelling out to his Mom. "Mommmyyy!" he darted up the steps with Trevor right behind him. He grabbed Noah at the top of the stairs. He let out a loud yell and began kicking and fighting him.
"Mommyyyy!" he yelled.
"Mom is asleep!" Trevor snapped at him, "you need to stop this! You are going to school!" he added, angry and irate.
Noah went limp and began to wail loudly, hitting Trevor hard, a stab of sadness washing over him.
"Do you need a hand?" Lucy asked Trevor carefully, not wanting to overstep. She stood at the foot of the stairs.
"No, thanks Lucy," he replied. "Could you just take Elly to daycare and I'll worry about Noah." Trevor drew Noah close to him, feeling guilty for losing his patience so quickly.
"Okay," she turned back and called out to Elly. Trevor winced, the volume of people in the house was louder than he wanted and he knew that there was no way Olivia hadn't been awoken.
He ignored Noah's cries and took him back downstairs.
"Give Daddy a kiss goodbye," Trevor told Eloise, bending down, warning Noah to calm down. "Would you like to give your brother a hug too? I think he's feeling sad today."
Eloise nodded and kissed Trevor's cheek. "Noah, Eloise would like to give you a cuddle."
Noah said nothing and let Eloise wrap her arms around him and for a moment Trevor was able to smile. He and Lucy exchanged little winning grins. "Okay thank you, Elly that was very kind. Have a good day and be good for Lucy."
"Bye Daddy! Bye Noah!"
He saw them out the door and felt a little relieved.
"Noah, are you calm?" Trevor asked him.
He nodded. "Daddy I don't want to go to school, I miss Mommy," he said between hiccups.
Fuck it, Trevor thought to himself. One day off school bonding with his brother might have been just what he needed. Olivia had been relegated to their upstairs bedroom due to her c-section cut and was discouraged from moving up and down the stairs too often.
"Come on, we'll go upstairs and see Mom," Trevor suggested.
/
Olivia was brushing her teeth and getting ready to have a shower when Noah and Trevor came in.
"Mommy!" Noah exclaimed, running in to the bathroom, wrapping his arms around Olivia's bare legs, knowing to be gentle because she was still tender.
"Hey babe," she greeted him, she looked up, her eyes meeting Trevor's. He gave her an apologetic expression. "why have you been crying?" she asked, "I could hear you fighting with Daddy."
Olivia had considered going out to see what the commotion was, but she knew better than to undermine Trevor when he was trying to pull rank.
"I don't want to go to school, Mommy, I wanna be with you and Dad … and Teddy," he added and Trevor almost laughed at the fib.
"What do you think about that, Dad?" Olivia asked, Trevor.
Trevor shook his head and shrugged, "Dad's tired, it's Mommy's decision now."
"Please Mommy, please, I promise I'll be good."
"Okay," she said, "But I don't want to hear anymore yelling, you're growing up too much for that, you can use your words now." She said to him.
"Okay," he said softly.
"Go and get changed out of your school clothes, I'm having a shower. Maybe Daddy would like to call your school and let them know you won't be coming today."
"Is Teddy okay?" Trevor asked watching Noah disappear out of the room looking happier.
She nodded, "Yeah I just fed him, he just wanted a comfort feed and went back to sleep." She breathed in, "Lose your battle with Noah, did you?" she teased.
He laughed, "I'm tired and he was so upset. He really is a little put out and I think he misses time with you. I think it might help a little…but also I'm tired."
Olivia smiled at him, he hadn't even realized he had repeated himself. "Why don't you call Noah's school and bring Teddy downstairs and we can put him in the hammock in the living room and hang out there today with Noah."
"That sounds good… we can take turns having naps," he joked.
He kissed Olivia softly. "Call out to me when you want to come downstairs, I'll come and help."
"Thanks honey," she replied.
He left her to it in the shower and checked on their baby as he passed. He was sleeping snuggly in his bassinet by the bed. He made his way down the hall and found Noah looking for some clothes.
"What are you gonna wear?" he asked him.
"I wanna wear my pajamas, can I wear my pajamas today, Daddy?" he wondered.
Trevor looked down, he too, was still in his pajamas. "Yeah sure bud, whatever you want." He realized that unless someone had alerted him to it, he would have walked Noah to school in his own sleeping clothes, that's how tired he'd been.
He couldn't remember a time he felt like that.
"Noah, we need to talk about your behavior just before. It is not acceptable for you to punch and kick when you're upset, do you hear me?"
Noah turned away from his pajama shelves in his closet and glanced at the man that he called his father. He nodded slowly. "I'm sorry."
"Its okay, I didn't get hurt but I'm what is hurtful and upsetting is when you say that Mommy and I don't care about you or have time for you anymore. We are trying very hard to make sure Teddy is happy because the beginning time is very important for a baby."
"Was it important when I was a baby?" he asked.
Trevor smiled. "You know what, I may not have been in Mommy's heart when you were a baby, but I was certainly in your life."
Noah looked surprised. "You knew me when I was a baby? How?" he asked, curiously.
Trevor took a seat on Noah's bed and patted the spot next to him. Noah came to sit down. "When you were a baby, Mommy needed some help with some work stuff and she asked me to help her. I got to spend some time with you and I saw just how much you made her happy," he told him sincerely, "you weren't as small as Teddy is, but you were so sweet and it made my heart so happy that Mommy had you."
"What did you help Mom with?" he asked.
"Just work things, but you were around a lot because you were so small and she didn't want to let you out of her sight – the same way we feel about Teddy," he explained.
"Was I a good baby?" he wondered.
"From what I witnessed and from what Mommy told me, yes, you were the best."
Noah smiled.
"So, please know that Mommy spent just as much time with you when you were a baby, its really important that you try your very hardest to be patient and kind," he implored the child.
"I just miss cuddle time and Mommy playing with me."
"I understand that, but for now Mommy is still recovering from her surgery and she is really sore and tired and Teddy is tired too. You know what you could do to make Mommy happy?"
"What?" Noah asked.
"You could ask her if she needs help with Teddy, or you could help Mommy and I with some chores or with Eloise… sometimes Eloise needs help too, you need to be a good role model for your brother and sister, Noah, no more shouting and crying, okay?"
He nodded.
"Okay, I'm going to call your school and I want you to get changed out of your school clothes and put them neatly on your bed. I'm going to take Teddy downstairs and I want you to come downstairs when you're finished in here."
"Okay Daddy," Noah agreed. Trevor leaned over and kissed him on the forehead.
It was twice now that Noah had pulled out the you're-not-my-dad card on Trevor. He wasn't sure how they could get around it, but it stung each time it happened. He knew his son didn't mean it, but it hurt.
/
"Mommy why does he do that?" Noah crinkled his nose watching his Mom feed curiously. Olivia was comfortable in the big circular couch that she and Trevor had argued about buying. He didn't the idea of a circular looking-day-bed inside their living room and feared it would be out of place. He was glad she won that argument though, it didn't look bad and it was a comfortable space that was big enough for the both of them and a kid or two as well.
"Why does he do what, babe?" she asked, knowing what he was getting at.
"Why does he do that, it's private," he said.
She smiled. "Noah, it's not private, it's how your brother gets his milk, it's normal. He's too little to eat food like you."
"Milk comes from you?" he asked, giving her a disbelieving look.
Trevor and Olivia laughed as he folded some of the freshly washed baby clothes.
"Yes honey, milk comes from a Mommy's chest as soon as the baby arrives and sometimes if I'm tired, we put some of that milk in a bottle and Daddy or you or Eloise can help feed him with a bottle."
Noah observed for a few minutes before giggling, "That's funny," he remarked.
Olivia and Trevor exchanged amused smiles. "Why is it funny?" Trevor laughed, coming to sit down beside Noah.
Noah looked at his Dad and shrugged, "Cos I can see Mommy's boobies," he giggled again.
Both Trevor and Olivia were too tired to try to talk him through it, instead they laughed at his immaturity. He got back up and went back to the laundry.
/
Olivia set Teddy down, she needed to breathe. He had cried all night and her head was aching. Eloise screamed and cried until Lucy peeled her away. Trevor had gone to take Noah to school.
She wasn't sure she could deal with it; the screaming of her infant made her feel inferior. His diaper was dry, he wasn't hungry and no matter how much rocking and consoling she did, he wasn't stopping.
Olivia made her way to the bathroom and closed the door. She took three deep breaths and went right back out to pick up her red-faced son. She held him in her arms and blinked back her weary tears.
"Come on, baby," she murmured, bouncing him gently, "please, please stop crying for Mama," she begged him. "Please… Mommy needs sleep, so do you…"
The bedroom door opened up and she felt relief flood her to see Trevor walk in. He looked disheveled. He was wearing wrinkled jeans and a stained t-shirt. He took one look at her and came to her aide.
"Honey, let me take him," he knew that Olivia was barely keeping it together.
"Its okay, I've got him…"
"Liv, just go and have a break…" he said gently, coming to her side.
"Trevor, I've got him!" she snapped.
He held up his hands in defeat. Immediately Olivia broke down in tears and whispered a repeated apology to him.
"Its okay, baby," he murmured. He put an arm around her and kissed the crown of her head. She slowly pulled Teddy from her shoulder and passed him to Trevor. He kissed her again, "go and have a shower and I'll take little man downstairs."
"I feel like such a shit Mom," she muttered, hating that she had so much trouble getting him to sleep.
"No, you're not… come here…" he held an arm out.
She shook her head; she knew she was about to sob at any given moment. He let her go and took Teddy downstairs. He hadn't slept solidly since 10pm the night before and even then he'd been lucky to have had two or three hours of light, broken up sleep. Olivia, he thought with a sigh, she was emotional and hormonal and also hadn't slept in probably longer than he.
He picked up his phone to put some soft music on, hoping for a calm environment for his son. He turned the coffee machine on, ready for his second coffee of the day. As he looked for a playlist, he saw a text from Erika.
"Hey Trev, how are you guys going? You've been a bit quiet. Carisi has two days off, do you think we could come over and see Teddy if its okay? If today isn't good, maybe tomorrow?"
He picked up his phone, "Please, please, please come over… Neither Olivia or I have slept… around lunch time might be good?"
He went to the living room and found baby sling and wrapped it around his body and tucked Teddy in, carefully tucking his beautiful 2-week-old-face against his chest.
He rubbed his son's back while he made coffee. Erika replied quickly.
"Okay big brother, your baby sister and her man to the rescue! Carisi and I will come over and sit around with Teddy so you and Liv can have a couple of hours sleep. Love you guys, hold tight."
He sipped his coffee with relief as Teddy finally began to settle. He turned the calming music up and moved around, cradling his son rubbing his back until he was satisfied that he was asleep. He went upstairs again to let Olivia know his sister and Carisi were going to be visiting.
Once upstairs, he slowly and carefully unraveled his son and played him in his temporary bassinet. Despite his fatigue and the fact that his eyeballs hurt and he could barely think straight through the headache that was pulsating his temples, he felt full of love for the tiny little bundle of sleeping joy.
He knocked on the door before letting himself in. He found Olivia sitting on the edge of the bath sobbing. He felt himself choking up because he understood exactly how she felt; worn down, exhausted, fed-up and incapable. He sat down beside her and wrapped his arms around her. She reached up, grabbing on to him.
"Its okay," he murmured, feeling tears welling in his eyes. "I understand… it's okay to cry, this is really fucking stressful," he commiserated.
"Why did I think I could do this?" she blurted out tearfully. "Why did I think-"
"We can do this, it's just… we both didn't have all of these other responsibilities the last time we became parents, we skipped past the hard parts…" he mumbled in to her hair. He planted another kiss on the crown of her head. He rubbed her back and let her cry, feeling tears falling down his face too from sheer exhaustion. "But we can do it."
When she noticed, feeling a droplet of one of his tears upon her cheek, she looked up, surprised.
He gave her a weak smile.
"Trev…" she took her face in his hands thumbed away his tears.
"I'm okay," he told her sincerely, "I'm just tired too and the crying… him and you, it just hurts me…" he told her gently.
"I'm sorry…" she apologized, finally calming down.
"Don't…" he sniffed. "Its okay to feel how you feel, even the kids are feeling it."
She embraced him closely again. "I love you so much," she murmured.
"I love you too," he replied. "But listen, I do have some good news…" he announced wiping his eyes, knowing that Erika wasn't going to be too far off and then finally they could sleep.
"What is it?" she wondered curiously, wiping the tearstains from her face.
"Erika and Carisi wanted to come and see Teddy and I told them to come as soon as they want. Erika said they'll come and hang out for a few hours so we can get some sleep…"
"Really?" she asked, feeling relief blanket her. "I should express some milk…" she said quickly, "so that they can feed him if he needs."
Trevor almost laughed at her one eighty, the excitement of being able to have a few hours of rest.
"Teddy is asleep right now, goodness knows for how long so why don't you go take the pump downstairs. Lucy made some pancakes and they're in the fridge, so eat something okay?"
Olivia nodded. Still in a towel, she went back to their room and left Trevor to clean himself up and change his clothes and do his hair and have a quick shave so that he felt a little more human again.
/
Erika took one look at Olivia and felt so sorry that she hadn't offered to come sooner. "Oh Liv!" she gushed, coming to her side, cuddling her warmly from where she sat at the kitchen table trying to stay awake long enough for her sister-in-law to arrive. "You look so, so exhausted."
Olivia hugged her back, "Don't… I don't want to cry…" she chuckled, trying hard to keep her emotions at bay.
Erika got up and hugged her brother while Sonny, carrying a few bags leaned over to kiss his boss' cheek and nodded with acknowledgement at Trevor. "I'd kiss your cheek too, Trev, but I don't think it's your thing."
Trevor laughed and jokingly stuck his cheek out in Sonny's direction.
"Get a room guys," Erika rolled her eyes dismissively, secretly loving how much her brother and her partner liked one another.
"Teddy is upstairs, he's finally asleep," Trevor told them, "but he will be up soon…" Olivia glanced at the baby monitor. They had been too scared to move him.
"Well, we brought lunch…" Sonny announced, lifting a bag to show them.
"Oooh food… maybe I'll get to eat something without being interrupted."
"What can I get you Liv, I have an entire lasagna compliments of my Mama and Erika told me that you guys love Mexican food…"
"Sonny, if you don't have Mexican food in that bag," she nodded toward it, "you need to leave my house right now, don't mess with me…"
He began to laugh. "Lucky I'm not messing about, Erika come help me get some food for the hungry parents…"
Trevor went to help, getting up from where he was sipping coffee number three, a double shot, black, no sugar. It was purely just to get him through but it wasn't really doing much.
"Okay, you guys sit still, relax and we'll bring you some food…" Sonny told her.
"I'll get up…" Olivia said, lifting herself out of her chair.
"No, no, baby, you stay there…" Trevor said softly, resting his hands on Olivia's shoulders and leaned over to kiss her temple. "And as soon as you've eaten, go upstairs to bed."
"We were actually thinking, we'll take the kids tonight…" Erika offered, "Sonny's sister is coming to dinner at his parents for Friday night dinner with their kids, it might be nice for them to play and we can spoil them rotten…"
"You guys don't have to do that—" Trevor replied.
"Yes they do…" Olivia blurted out. "Don't be polite, we need sleep… if Eloise wakes me up one more time with a kick in my back I will start sleeping in her bed and you can deal with all of the kids," she threatened him in monotone but finally cracked a smile when she saw dread crossing his face.
Erika hid a smirk. Trevor widened his eyes, exchanging looks with Sonny. "We don't mind and Mom loves them," he added. "We'd offer to take Teddy too, but I'm guessing you don't want anyone to babysit right now."
"Give it a month…" Olivia said, "when his sleep schedule is a little better…but you guys are so welcome to come here and hang out with him." She was so tired that she felt dizzy. She yawned loudly and waited for someone to put food in front of her.
Erika handed Trevor a plate which he took to her with a half unwrapped burrito.
"Thank you guys…" Liv stared at the food for a moment with a sense of gratitude and emotion washing over her. "This is so kind..."
"Olivia!" Erika came to her side, "please don't cry it's just a burrito."
"We are so tired that everything is setting us off," he explained. Olivia half-laughed at her own stupidity.
Erika passed another burrito to her brother and both of them began to eat. On instinct, Trevor ate fast, expecting that he'd be interrupted at any moment.
"I'll have to make up a bag for the kids, remind me…" Trevor remarked, thinking while he was eating.
"Just relax big bro," Erika told them both. "Eat your lunch, we will do what needs to be done, I'm a responsible adult, or have you forgotten?"
As if on cue, Teddy began to cry from the baby monitor. Trevor went to set his burrito down.
"It's okay," Olivia said, "I'll get him, you eat."
"Neither of you are moving, I'll go and get him," Erika said. "Eat your lunch, kids!" she joked.
Carisi made himself useful finding containers to portion out the lasagna to freeze for them. Erika returned with the infant and Olivia couldn't help but to wince at his cry that became angrier.
"I just changed him," she told them, "am I able to feed him?" she wondered.
Olivia got up; her body felt like led and the tears prickled behind her eyes. She ignored Trevor's attempts to get her to sit. She opened the fridge and showed Erika where his milk was kept. "I use these…" she showed her to a sterilized container where the teets were kept.
"Okay, thanks… just go sit, Liv, I can heat it up, its fine…" she assured her.
"Its supposed to be at a certain temperature, around 100 degrees…" she warned her sister-in-law. She glanced at her son's angry face. "Here, let me take him…" she said, "he might need a cuddle."
"Olivia, do you trust me with Teddy?" Erika asked her gently.
She peeled her eyes from her son and finally looked at Erika with tears in her eyes and nodded. "Yes…"
"Then please just sit down and eat your lunch, Sonny can take him for a second and I can heat up the milk and I'll feed him in the living room and keep him quiet for a little before he goes for another sleep." Olivia stared at her for a moment. Erika smiled encouragingly, "Come on, it'll be okay, you're tired, you guys both need rest."
Olivia sighed and nodded again, trying to keep herself together. She went and took a seat again. Trevor reached over and took her hand and gave it a squeeze. "Baby, its okay," he lifted her hand and kissed it.
They finished their food and Erika returned with Teddy in the same sling that Trevor had been using earlier.
"See," she smiled at the three who had all been chatting, but Sonny sensed that they were both so tired that they were incapable of much trivial conversation. "Everything is under control."
"Go sleep guys… I'll call Lucy to pick up both of the kids and we'll wake you up when we go unless you wake up first."
"Thank you," Olivia said in a whisper, "Thank you so much, you're a saint…"
Erika smiled.
/
"Try to relax…" Trevor told Olivia gently. "Teddy is just downstairs…"
"I honestly don't think I can stay awake anyway," she replied. "What good am I to Teddy if I can't concentrate? Even Noah or Eloise, I keep losing my patience with them and I hate myself for it," she sighed. It bothered her a little that Noah had become totally uninterested in his baby brother. She had considered that Elly might have had the bigger problem adjusting, but Noah acted as though Teddy didn't exist.
"Its okay…" he told her gently. "I'm gonna have a quick shower so I can sleep better."
She nodded and sighed. He disappeared in to the bathroom and paused at the doorway. "Come and join me," she rose an eyebrow wondering if he trying anything which would have been absurd.
He caught the look and his expression softened, "Baby, don't be silly," he chuckled, "I'm not suggesting anything…"
She pulled herself up and joined him. The intimacy of sharing a shower without having to tag team or rush felt nice. Feeling his body around her felt nice and the warmth of the water flowering over them did make her relax more.
They dried off and Olivia felt the exhaustion hit her hard. Trevor reached for her towel and watched her climb in to bed not even bothering with any clothes.
He joined her and kissed her cheek. "Okay baby, have a good sleep," he kissed her lips softly. She inched closer enjoying the skin to skin contact.
She closed her eyes and concentrated on her breathing to allow her to relax. She knew Trevor had fallen asleep instantly by the even rising and falling of his chest.
/
Olivia opened her eyes sleepily before feeling a jolt within her, remembering that Teddy wasn't by her side. It was a bizarre feeling. She sat up quickly before feeling Trevor's warm hand on her back. "Its okay," he told her, "Teddy is fine, he's asleep downstairs with Erika and Sonny took the kids to play at the park to get rid of some energy."
She turned to him and smiled weakly before laying back down, covering herself up. "How long did you sleep for?" she asked him in between yawns.
"I just woke up, I just texted downstairs," he smiled. "Its nice to hear silence, isn't it?" he asked.
She smiled wearily back at him and nodded.
"Do you want to sleep more?" he wondered, "you could go another hour or so if you wanted, its only 4…"
"No, but if I could have a solid, interrupted sleep like that at least once a day I would feel so much better," she admitted.
"Soon…" Trevor replied. He was happy to see her looking incredibly refreshed and well-rested. "Soon we'll have him on a proper sleeping routine and you'll be able to enjoy regular sleeps."
"Thanks for doing this all with me," she said gratefully. "I wouldn't cope if I didn't have you, you've been the perfect Dad."
He leaned over and kissed her lips. "I know we've been tired and grumpy with everything, but I still wouldn't change any of this."
"Me neither," she murmured, "and I feel even stronger about that now that I've had some sleep and my upset seems so silly and over the top."
They both chuckled.
"Hey… I was thinking before… do you think it's an issue with Noah?" she wondered out loud.
"With what?" he asked as she was about to answer, it dawned on him. "Ohh, with Teddy?" He gave his itchy eyes a rub with the heels of his palms and thought about it.
"Yeah…"
"I think his indifference is a little troubling—I think he's jealous but not in the same way Eloise is jealous, because she makes her standing in this family very clear," he smiled.
Olivia laughed too, Eloise was strong-willed, full of character and since they'd brought the baby home, blunt as a stick. "I know what you mean," she interjected, "it's that he never uses his name, he doesn't even look at him—he walks away when we start playing with him…"
"I think we should just let it go a bit longer and try to include him more, ask him to help out, maybe it's a phase," Trevor suggested with a sigh.
"Yeah, you're right… I just don't want it to drag on too long."
He sat up, sliding back against the bedhead and Olivia got up to use the bathroom. Trevor smiled. "You poor thing, you were so exhausted that you didn't even put clothes on…" he remarked.
"Like you can talk," she shot back, closing the bathroom door.
When she returned he held his arms out. "I need some cuddle time with my baby Mama…" he told her. She grinned at him. He was so sweet. He pulled the covers back, allowing her to climb in to his lap.
"Don't get any ideas," she warned him.
He laughed, "I'm not… I just missed this intimacy too…" he admitted. She straddled him, tucking her legs behind him as he wrapped his arms around her, her naked chest pressing in to his. She closed her eyes, enjoying their closeness as she rested her head on his shoulder.
"I love you…" she murmured, feeling his large hand cradling the back of her head, running through her hair. She circled her arms around his neck.
"I love you too, honey," he replied.
She breathed a deep sigh of contentment and closed her eyes. "I almost forgot what it felt like to feel a little bit human."
"Maybe we can ask Erika and Sonny to come maybe a day or two a week… just so we can get a big sleep…"
"I don't want to bother her," Olivia murmured.
"Are you kidding? Maybe you were too tired to notice, but she was striding around with Teddy, so happy with herself after she got him from upstairs, I think she'd love it," Trevor told her.
Olivia chuckled. "Yeah… she does love those kids, I love her so much for that…"
"And also, she loves you so much, she loves having a big sister, she was always obsessed with the idea when she was a kid."
Trevor kissed her forehead.
She lifted her head and met his mouth for a lingering, soft, kiss. She took his face in her hands and smoothed the skin of his cheeks with her thumbs, letting her fingers disappear in to his hair that was a little on the too long phase.
He stared down in to her brown eyes and a faint smile crossed his crooked mouth. She let her thumb brush over them. His smile grew as he puckered them and kissed her fingers. She smiled back at him. "Can we never let our kids get in the way of how much we need one another?" she asked softly as if she might have been concerned that the baby was creating distance between them.
"Okay, but… are you worried about that right now?" he asked. "I mean, do you feel like that's happening?"
She thought for a second, "No, just that we're so tired we haven't had the time to take notice of each other, I know it's hard to want to cuddle or just spend time with each other right now, but… I don't want us to not try."
"Okay," he smiled, kissing her. "Promise… as soon as we start getting more sleep it'll be better. Right now we just have our hands so full… we need to get Eloise out of our bed, she's killing me," he added with a laugh.
"Yeah… my back! She has strong little arms and legs in her sleep…" Olivia chuckled. "But it's gotta stop, I know we just feel too tired to argue but our days are numbered before Noah thinks its an open invitation for him too."
Trevor chuckled. "Okay tonight I will make her go to her own bed. We just have to be really strict about it."
Olivia agreed. "No giving in just because we are tired and don't want to deal with tears."
"Where's your phone?" she asked him. He reached to the bedside table and handed it to her. She found his messages and texted Erika. "it's Liv, I miss my baby… could you send me a photo? I'll be down soon."
Trevor laughed. She scrolled through his phone for a moment before she got to his camera. "Here… let's take a pic of two tired-ass parents."
"Liv, we're naked!" he protested.
"I'm not planning on sending it to anyone and besides…" she leaned in so only the curve of her breast was visible, a tiny peek of the pink of her nipple. "We haven't taken a photo together in forever, people will assume we're now in that loveless, joyless sham part of the relationship!"
He laughed. "But you just said that you weren't going to show anyone, so why does it matter?" he pointed out her flawed logic. She ignored him and held out the camera and waited for him to turn to face it. She was smiling and her cheeks were glowing. She looked more relaxed and at ease than she had been earlier.
He couldn't help but to smile too as she took a couple and found her favorite one. She sent it to herself before handing his phone back to him. "Might make it my background," he joked.
"You do you," she replied dismissively.
He studied the picture for a moment. "We look happy and content…" his voice trailed off as he put the phone down.
"Aren't you?" she wondered.
"Yes, absolutely, yes, yes, yes!" he replied enthusiastically, wrapping his arms around her and rocking her playfully, causing her to laugh at his silliness.
He laughed too. He stopped, pausing to kiss her. "Anyway, I think we should try to sleep a little longer."
/
Trevor struggled to go back to sleep. He left Olivia to it once she had drifted off again and got out of bed, pulling on some pants and a fresh shirt. He felt a lot better.
As he drew closer to the living room he could hear Erika and Sonny discussing things, he stopped short, trying to figure out if he should interrupt or back pedal in to the kitchen and give them some space.
"Do you think that maybe we should try looking down the road of IVF?" Sonny asked Erika gently.
"Now?" she wondered, her voice sounded a little surprised.
"I mean, we should look in to it, maybe…I'm not saying we have to act on it now, we're not even married yet, but… it's maybe an avenue we should explore."
Trevor felt a pang of sadness for his sister. He knew how she felt about it all and he knew there would have been a part of her that felt like pressure was suddenly upon her.
"It's such an expensive route, Sonny, I've been there with no results and the money came out of my pocket because my ex was adamant that it wasn't his problem therefore-" she paused, "I don't want to disappoint you," she murmured.
He decided to step in, he had to protect his sister, he never wanted her to go through what he'd had to help her endure after her ex left her. He didn't want Sonny to push it and he didn't want to see his sister upset.
"Hey…" he greeted them, smiling weakly.
He saw Erika's eyes spill over with tears that she tried to ignore while holding his son. "Hey, what's wrong?" he asked, quickly sitting beside her. "Why are you crying?"
"We were just having a discussion," Sonny replied, "an emotional one." He slowly took the baby from Erika's arms and set him down in the rocker.
"Oh," Trevor replied, "are you okay?" he asked his sister who wiped her tears away.
"Just IVF conversations…"
"Oh," he repeated. He glanced at Sonny and recognized that Sonny was worried Trevor would be furious with him. "Is that what you both want to do?" he asked her.
"Look, Ez," Sonny implored her, "I love you, if we don't have kids, that's fine, we'll have plenty of nieces or nephews to keep us busy…I don't want to be with anyone else. But if you want a baby and you've never been given a reason why you can't, there's reason to hope that you still might be able to."
"I don't know if I can go through it all again… the build up, the hormones, the hope and then the subsequent failure and the disappointment on everyone's faces."
Trevor hugged his sister. "Can I interject where I am very aware this is none of my business?" he asked.
Sonny looked at him, it was a little awkward, but he knew how close his girlfriend was to Trevor.
Erika looked to him expectantly. "I think you should explore all avenues, not just IVF. I think you should look at adoption, surrogacy, everything, get all the information and then make a decision. I know you say all of those things brought you so much heartbreak, Ez, but no one is going to disappointed if you don't come to the end of the line."
"It's also money," she said, "it's expensive."
"Sweetheart," Sonny began, "we will be okay, we will work it out, I don't expect you to pay for it on your own? I don't even know if I'm okay to have kids, this is something we'll be in together. I think your brother is right, I think we should look at all avenues, not for right now, but to be prepared and to have a plan if that's what you want but no pressure—of course."
Trevor smiled at Sonny. "Even adoption is … so, so expensive." Erika remarked. "I have money saved and money from my Dad but – I didn't expect I'd have to blow it all on trying to figure out my own reproduction."
Trevor gave his sister a squeeze. "Ez, don't worry about money…" he told her, "money comes and goes. You both have great jobs."
She nodded.
"And, Sonny is right. This is not the same situation it was with Mitch. You have a partner who is not selfish and emotionally abusive, Sonny will be with you this full way and so will Olivia and I, for whatever you both need."
"Thanks," she murmured, wiping her eyes.
/
"Olivia," Trevor began, waiting for her to get up and dressed. The kids were back home and they were leaving soon to go with Erika and Sonny for the night.
"Yes?" she was drying her hair with a towel, dressed in active pants and one of his own hoodies. He smiled at her.
"Before when I was downstairs talking with Erika and Sonny, they were discussing exploring IVF or adoption…as you can imagine Erika has her reservations but there's also a concern about money," he informed her, "And I want to offer to pay for it. She made reference to blowing part of her inheritance on IVF with Mitch and she is trying to guard herself emotionally and financially and I want to just … offer to take that financial burden away. What do you think?"
Olivia smiled at him and sat down. She picked up his hand. "Baby, it's your money-"
"No, it's our money. You're going to be my wife, it's our money and I want you to be involved in those kinds of decisions."
"It's most certainly not our money, but take that debate away, I think you can offer, I think Erika and Sonny may be too proud to accept but never-the-less, you can tell her what you've told me."
He nodded. "I just don't want her to ever have to worry about money and I didn't realize that Mitch made her pay for her IVF herself because it was her problem."
Olivia's mouth dropped open. "Are you fucking kidding?" she was shocked. "Wow, what a piece of shit."
"Uhuh, and if I had of known that in the beginning I would have never allowed her to try to have a baby with that subhuman," he blurted out. She stood up and pulled him up by the hand. "Lucky she is with someone inherently good now."
Trevor agreed. "Thank goodness for Sonny Carisi," he sighed as they made their way downstairs to spend some time with the kids before they left to go to Sonny's parents for dinner.
/
"Noah, can you come help Mommy for a minute?" Olivia called to Noah from the couch.
Noah came in a little reluctantly watching his Mom with the baby. "What is it?" he wondered.
"Could you do me a big favour and sit on the couch and hold your brother while I use the bathroom?" she wondered.
"Can't Elly do it? I'm doing my homework…" he replied, bored. She rose her eyebrow. "Noah, I'm asking you because you're older and more responsible and you promised to help me, remember?"
He nodded, seeming hesitant but knew better than to argue. "Okay."
She lifted herself out of the couch and waited for Noah to settle in her spot. "Okay honey, I need you to be careful and hold his head up, got it?" she warned him.
He nodded again. He held his arms out and stared past Teddy and at the television. "Noah," Olivia wanted his undivided attention, "watch what you are doing, I am trusting you to be responsible with Teddy." She waited til his blue eyes burned in to hers. She knew he didn't want to be helping at all and she couldn't help but to feel disappointed.
"I will be careful, I promise," he said, looking up at Olivia. She stared at him for a moment before heading in to the kitchen. She smiled at Trevor, "I'm going to the bathroom, I've left Noah holding Teddy, can you keep an eye on him?"
"of course." He flipped the dish towel over his shoulder and went to check on Noah. He was staring at the TV, the baby on his lap. Trevor observed for a few moments and realized not once did Noah look down at his brother or pay him any attention despite the baby wriggling around and breaking free of his swaddle.
He felt frustrated that their eldest son clearly felt detached and if anything, a little annoyed by Teddy. He went back to the kitchen feeling satisfied enough that the baby was safe. Not wanting to worry Olivia, he decided to say nothing and try to talk to Noah himself.
She returned a few moments later, "Everything okay?" she asked the man who was she was more than ready to become the wife of.
"Yeah," he smiled, "why?"
"You just had your troubled face on…"
He shook his head, "No, everything is fine," he assured her. She leaned over and stood on her tip-toes to kiss her fiance's cheek before going back to the baby.
"Thanks Noah," she scooped up Teddy. "You were such a big help, I appreciate it."
He shrugged, "that's okay…" without a word, he left her to it and went to play with Eloise at the dining table where Trevor was watching them while making dinner.
She hushed the baby to sleep and took him upstairs to his crib, trying to ensure he spent all of his sleeping in the nursery until night time.
She returned down with the baby monitor and turned the volume mostly down and sighed with contentment at the quiet, peaceful household. The kids were drawing quietly too and Trevor was nearly finished with dinner.
"Baby, what amazing dish have you outdone yourself with tonight?" she wondered, coming to his side as he stirred some brown gravy. He had cooked a well-rounded meal almost every night since they'd been home despite how tired they'd all been. She couldn't have been more thankful.
She slipped an arm around his waist and rested her head on his shoulder. He reciprocated her embrace and kissed her temple, smiling at her show of affection.
"I'm making some crispy roast potatoes and chicken and just a mix of vegetables, that okay?"
"Mmm it sounds amazing and it smells amazing too. I love you, you are such a blessing."
He smiled at her and gave her a little squeeze. He kissed her again. "Why don't you go rest, its about half an hour away."
"Okay… thank you."
"Its my pleasure, love," he replied. She walked past the kids and glanced at their drawings. Eloise loved to draw her family sometimes with her Mom in the sky and sometimes with a dog but lately the drawings were mostly of Trevor, Olivia, Noah and herself holding the baby. Holding Teddy was always so exciting to Eloise and she had to be reminded often that she needed to be calm.
"Very nice, Elly," Olivia grinned at her, she leaned over between the two of the kids. She glanced at Noah's drawing, "What's this one, babe?" she asked him.
"It's my Skylanders and Teddy." She rose an eyebrow. "Is that Teddy?" she asked standing before a bunch of blobby drawings.
He nodded.
"Uhh… are they battling your brother?"
"No Mom," he replied as if he was frustrated with her question, "they're just looking at him."
"It looks like they're battling him," she insisted, a little concerned.
"They just want to see my brother," he replied with exasperation, picking a different colored pencil to begin filling in the lines.
"Okay, okay…" she held up her hands, she told herself she was making something out of nothing. She made her way back to the living room to get a micro-nap in before dinner.
/
"Daddy, I loved my dinner," Noah told Trevor as he finished almost everything on his plate.
"You are getting to be such a big boy," Trevor remarked.
Noah smiled at back at him. "Thank you for my food."
Olivia grinned, proud of her son's immaculate manners. Eloise was busy drawing in a pool of gravy.
"Elly, come on, you need to learn from Noah about manners. Use your fork please, Mommy cut up your food for you, get your fingers out of your plate," Trevor warned his daughter.
"I don't like it," she screwed her nose up at the chicken.
He was about to insist that she eat, but Olivia leaned over and took the chicken from her plate and put it on to her own. She cut a small bit off and put it back on Elly's plate. "Eat that bit there, please… Daddy spent a long time making dinner for you, so you're going to eat at least a little bit."
They caught eyes and Trevor gave her a wink, loving that she had stepped in, unprompted with the exact same approach that he was planning on taking.
"Can we eat ice cream?" Elly asked, looking down at her food with a scowl.
"Eat your dinner and I will have a think about it," Trevor replied.
Olivia and Trevor excused Noah and made Eloise sit longer while they cleaned up the kitchen together. Eloise whined and cried but Trevor was sick of her not eating and wanting to eat dessert instead.
"Maybe you should just let her go…" Olivia caved first, speaking quietly, hating to see the little girl cry.
"No, Liv, she has to learn that she can't always get her way." He turned to Eloise. "Honey, I'm giving you five minutes and if you don't eat your dinner then you're going to have it tomorrow for dinner and every meal until it's gone."
Olivia had to turn away so she didn't laugh of the stupidity of his threat. "Come on Trevor, at least make the consequence something you can actually follow through on," she pressed her lips together and walked away, watching Noah head upstairs.
"Babe, twenty minutes and then it's bath time, okay?" she warned him.
"Okay Mommy," he called back down from the landing.
Eloise began to cry, whining about having to eat the chicken. Olivia came around and sat down beside her with a sigh. "Elly, you have three mouthfuls here, okay?" she told her logically, "just put it in your mouth and chew and swallow, it's easy. It's really yummy," she promised, "Mom, Dad and Noah all ate ours, Daddy wouldn't give you food if it was yucky."
Eloise sniffled and hiccupped. Olivia picked up the fork and put a little of the chicken on it. "Here you go, on the count of three," she handed the fork to her, confusing her by counting fast and not giving her an option out of it. She put the food in her mouth and chewed with displeasure, making a face and trying not to cry.
Eventually she swallowed it.
"See that wasn't so bad?" Olivia smiled, "Just two more to go…" she took the fork from her and pushed the next piece on to the fork and did the same. Eloise swallowed a little faster and Trevor shook his head with amusement and frustration. "Good girl, just one more, you can do it! And afterwards we can discuss ice cream."
It was enough of a bargain for her to put the last bit of chicken in her mouth.
She whined still, crying as she finished up. Trevor took her plate away without a word. "Okay," Liv began, "you don't need to cry about it, but we can have a quick cuddle and then you need to calm down and go and sit in the living room and play quietly for awhile."
She let Eloise climb in to her lap and embraced the little girl, smiling smugly at Trevor over her shoulder.
Trevor chuckled and shook his head.
"Okay… Dad do you think we can have some ice cream tonight?" she asked once Eloise had pulled away and calmed.
"Maybe a little," he replied. "I'll go upstairs and see if Noah would like some."
"That's a crazy concept…"
Trevor was just happy that Eloise had eaten.
/
Trevor glanced in to Noah's room and couldn't find him. He continued down the hall and got closer to the nursery and could hear Noah's voice. He grew worried about what he might find. He tip-toed closer and closer until he got to the doorway. He could see that Teddy was awake making soft sounds, his arms always managing to break free.
He watched Noah, wondering what he was doing.
"And this one," he held up one of his Skylander action figures, "this one's name is Stump Smash, he's really fun because he doesn't look scary but he's really powerful," he held the figure between the rails of the crib a safe distance from the baby's face. "See?"
He put it down and picked up another one, "And this one is called Zook and he looks a little funny but he's a special one of mine," he put the toy down and stared at Teddy for a moment before shrugging, "when you're big like me or Eloise I'll let you play with him?"
Trevor felt his breath catch, realizing that whatever fears he had about Noah's detachment were unfounded.
He felt a weight lift from his shoulders and overwhelming sense of love for his eldest son. He felt his eyes welling up, watching Noah gently reach in and stroke his brother's face. "Did you know, I am your big brother?!" he asked Teddy, "that makes me the boss, well, it makes Daddy the boss, but after Daddy it's me," he added.
He reached down to another Skylander figure. "This one is my favorite one Teddy, his name is Camo and I have lots of others that Mommy and Daddy bought for me that I will share with you but you're too little and they look scary and I don't want to scare you,"
Trevor found himself grinning, blinking away his tears. He was so proud of Noah's gentleness and his happy chatting away to his brother. He wondered how often it occurred that Noah found private moments with Teddy.
He put his toys down and watched Teddy wrap his fingers around Noah's pointer. "Daddy said when you are older you're gonna be my best friend. I hope he's right because I don't have a best friend except Eloise and sometimes she's annoying because she's a girl." Finally, Noah sighed, "I'll tell Mommy you're awake, you must be hungry because it's dinner time."
Trevor took a few steps back as Noah began to gather his toys and turn around.
"Noah?" he called, pretending to look for him.
"I'm here," he called, coming out of the room.
"What were you doing?" Trevor asked casually.
Noah shrugged, "I heard Teddy waking up so I played with my toys on the floor so he didn't cry because he was alone."
Trevor grinned at him. "Thank you, Noah, that was really thoughtful. I bet Teddy loved the company."
Trevor went in to the nursery and Noah followed him. "Daddy do you think Teddy knows me yet?" he asked, "because he doesn't say anything, how do I know?"
"He knows exactly who you are. He can tell by your voice and he's starting to be able to see properly. In a few weeks time he will think, Oh that's my brother, Noah!" Trevor explained.
He scooped up Teddy and put him on the changing table and had Noah help him with his diaper change. "Yucccckkkkk," Noah held his nose and made a face as Trevor uncovered the gift that his youngest son had left for him.
Trevor laughed, "Buddy, you were pooping like this when you were a baby and guess what?!" he asked, "Mom had to do this…"
Noah giggled. Trevor finished up and took the baby downstairs with his eldest beside him. "We're gonna have some ice cream, what do you think?" he asked him.
He didn't need to look at Noah to know what his reaction was. Noah would have never turned down ice cream.