Chapter 8 Because I Got High
BRITTANY'S POV
Santana was first to jump up, I sat watching her. Oh my god oh my god oh my oh my god. Maybe I'm asleep. I throw my body back on the bed and close my eyes. I open them again. Santana gives me a look the clearly says what the fuck. OH MY SWEET BABY JESUS I am not dreamin'.
I get up and run to the bathroom tugging Santana with me.
"Brittany calm down, she won't hurt us!" Santana says unsure. I gape at her
"She has an ax, if you hadn't noticed, ya know, the large wooden sticks with blades on the end of them? THEY CUT DOWN TREES!" I wave my arms around to emphasize my point. Santana sighs and looks around our large bathroom. She picks up a razor and a bat of soap.
"if she wants to play dirty so will we," she begins shaving small flakes of the soap off until she had a hand full. "On the count of three I want you to open the door. And stand back." she begins the count, or so I thought. I mean who starts off with 3?
As soon as she says '3' I fling the door open and in hops Quinn with the ax. Santana, taken aback, flings the soap and it goes in my eye and Quinn's. Quinn drops the ax and runs around rubbing at her face and yelling. I feel my. Body being thrown over Santana's shoulder once again and then we're flying.
"On my god I've been dating Peter Pan and I never knew it!" I grin and giggle, the pain of soap in my eye gone. " I Caaan shooow you the wor-" I'm cut off as I hit the surface of our pool. I gasp and splutter, I feel myself being pulled up and out of the pool. I lay down, breathing hard. I turn to Santana who is staring at me. "Fucking faker.." I mumble. She scowls at me.
We stand up, I grab her arm and look at her watch. It's 3:45 in the morning. I groan and rub my aching face. I look down and smile at my ducky robe. Santana jumps up and walks to the sliding door we usually just keep unlocked. She opens it and jogs in. I glance up and see Quinn staring down at me. I squeak and follow San. I bump into her in my haste. She turns around, hand raised as if to hit me. I put my hands on my hips.
"You gonna hit me?"
"Baby no! I thought you were Quinn!"
"BANZAI!" Quinn comes soaring down from above, using Santana to break her fall. As she beats on my baby I take a moment to study her. She has scratches and mini bite marks along her arms. I pull myself together and run into the kitchen. I grab the holder we use for knives and shove it under the sink. No one needs an impromptu amputation.
I look around for something to distract Quinn so Santana could escape. I glance over to Rachel's side of the kitchen. A pineapple! I grab it and throw it at the back of Quinn's head like a football. And the crowd goes wild! Actually Santana just rolls away from Quinn's seemingly unconscious body, groaning and cursing in Spanglish.
Quinn hops up with the pineapple in her hand.
"Do all you crazy people have a high tolerance for pain!" Santana asks from her position beside me. I jumped, how the hell.. When the hell.. Did she get there.
"You threw a fucking pineapple at me!" she advances towards us, pineapple AND the peashooter from earlier in hand.
Oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god! I try hard to think of something to placate her.
"Cause...pineapples are sweet and.. You are sweet also, as well!" Spongebob...bitches like Spongebob.
"You really think I'm sweet?" she asks, dropping the pineapple but keeping a firm hold on the peashooter.
"Sure you are Quinnie!" Now this is the part where I inner monologue that we all dropped everything and hugged. No, Santana, probably still pissed about being used as a human landing pad HAD to speak up.
"Hell no! If by sweet you mean a schizophrenic psycho then yes! Your very presence gives me a toothache!" Quinn aims the peashooter at the ranting Santana and lets a perfect volley of them fly at Santana's mouth. Pink pink pink pink. San dives for the safety of the wrap around counter, I'm not too far behind her.
"Now Quinnie that wasn't very nice!" I admonish while holding a squirming Santana's head. "That's going to bruise." I tell her softly.
"It was like getting raped in the face by a million wasps.." see that's why I love her we are totes on the same wave length.
"You really only have yourself to blame, boo-boo." She scowls at me, she furrows her brow and looks up at me, "have you seen Berry anywhere?" My brain was somewhere else, I mean how else can I explain the overwhelming sensation of wanting to tear San's clothes off and ravish her? I run my fingers over her hip, she smacks me away.
"Baby please excuse my hands, they just want to touch they just want to feel they don't mean no harm, baby just excuse my hands! Please excuse my hands! I apologize they have a one track mind...squeeze on your behind.." da fuck am I saying? Santana is smiling creepily at me. I sway back and forth. I stop and inhale deeply. Oh my god! Is that WEED? I cough and look around I see smoke lazily coming from the vents. Santana starts to giggle, loud annoying giggles.
Quinn is head bobbing to a song in her head, Rachel and Wolff walk downstairs gas masks on both of their faces. How cute! He looks like a little hairy dog man. Santana stands up snorting and laughing. I try to grab for her, I need her..for reasons..because.
"Okay! I have put the kitten back in its cage, I am willing to forgive you Santana if you forgive Quinn. I have filled the entire house with grade A cannabis..." uhg I drown Rachel out and stumble towards her.
"You need to relax, so crack a bottle, let your body waddle don't act like a snobby model you just hit the lotto! Now where's the rubbers? Who's got the rubbers?" I wrap my arms around her, ignoring the squeaking protests I pull the mask off her face. I put it on top of my head, I notice she is holding her breath, she tries to run up the stairs but I grab her. She struggles in my arms for a few seconds.
I pull her arms back and start tickling her, she starts to turn red, a loud "HAW" is followed by gasps and giggles. I move away from her and throw my arms around Wolff. "So fucking fuzzy.." I pull him with me to the couch and plop down. Santana and Quinn are laughing and chewing on dried peas, the peashooter laid out at their feet. Santana notices me with Wolff and frowns. She wobbles her way to me and tries to pry my arms from around Wolff.
"Hey! Britt-Britt, hold me!"
"NO! I've found somebody new and you will never break my heart in two again."
"..what? Well!" I watch as she picks up the discarded pineapple from earlier.
"From now on you shall address me as Santana Squarepants Lopez! Cause I am moving in with that tampon that lives under the sea!" She snaps at me. I stare at her in contemplation, if she moves in with him I won't be able to stare at her in contemplation as often. Plus Santana Pierce Lopez flows WAY better. I let go of Wolff and hold my arms out for her.
"I did you wrong... you did me wrong. I take you back... you take me back." She tosses the pineapple behind her, smacking Quinn into a belly dancing Rachel. She hops into my arms and we hug. Quinn starts to yell and convulse. I turn to watch her. She picks the pineapple and takes a huge bite out of it.
"OM NOM NOM NOM now NO one gets the motha fuckin' PINEAPPLE!" She snarls. I raise my eyebrow, I cringe as she devours the pineapple in inhuman bites, by the time she is done with it she has only the leafy top left. She runs over and begins stabbing Santana and I with it. I slap at her to move.
"Move BITCH get out the way!"
"Earthquaaaake!" Giggles my wife. Wolff jumps off of the couch and runs away. I grab a couch cushion and slap Quinn hard in the face. She reels back and falls unmoving on the floor. Rachel runs over to her and lays on top of her crying and letting out loud wails. Santana starts to mimic her. I put my hands over my eyes.
UHG why can I still hear them?
I stand up and promptly trip over Quinn and Rachel.
"MY LEG!" I'm not sure who did the Wilhelm cry of SBSP but it was funny. I start to laugh hard, Santana, not wanting to be left out lays on top of me.
"One big room full of bad bitches," I laugh out. Quinn hops up sending us flying. A door slams open and Jay comes running in, gas mask and Wolff in tow. He has a gun in his hand. Oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god! I knew he was the butler in the kitchen with a torch type. I look over at Santana, her eyes are surprisingly clear. She looks away and nods at Jay he aims the gun at Quinn and fires. I watch as she crumbles in on herself.
I stand up and hide behind the pineapple fringe, "Fuck all y'all!" I brandish it at all of them, Rachel sighs and pulls it away from me.
"Shoot her JAY!" She growls at him as she pulls me close to her.
"Hey! Careful with my baby Berry!" Santana yells at her. I point at her, "DECIEVER!" I yell just as Jay's dart finds its way into my neck. I push weakly away from Rachel. I throw one arm above my head and the other around San, I start to dance
"She's nothing like the girl you've every seen before, nothing you can compare to your neighborhood whore, I'm trying to find the words to describe this girl without being disrespectful. The way that booty moving I can't take no more, have to stop what I'm doing so I can pull her close. I'm trying to find the words to describe this girl without being disrespectful." I turn around to grind my ass on her but just as I get comfortably bent down I look up just in time to get a fist from Rachel to my temple.
"Damn..girl." I fall to the ground, before I hit it I feel strong arms catch me and cradle me.
I am super sorry about not updating yesterday, I was sloppy drunk and I was remembering my grand pappy. This chapter is choppy, but I like it, I was laughing half the time I was bull shitting my way through it. Well leave me some feedback uhm special shout out to mushaboom21 I did 21 shots yesterday in honor of you friend! Thank you to my other reviewers as well! until next time xx