Heres a new update, peeps... Trigger warning: assault, violence.
Lemme know how you like it and thank you to my new readers! Its been a bit quiet in response, Im starting to think its a little bit of a long winded saga now. OOPSIE hahahahaha. I regret nothing.
"Please…" Olivia sobbed, exhausted, barely holding herself together. "Please, please, please just… sleep…" she implored her infant. He was red-faced and furious, his cries getting louder, waking up Eloise who had been beside her.
"Its okay," Olivia sniffed, rubbing Eloise's back, "close your eyes babe…"
Eloise started to whimper and soon enough both of them were crying and Olivia gave up. She let herself cry too, none of them happy and everyone exhausted.
Eloise tried to climb up alongside Liv who was trying her best to feed Teddy. She was becoming frustrated and Eloise was pulling at her, disrupting her attempts to get him to latch on.
"Honey, I need you to stop," she told Eloise firmly, trying to compose herself, "I need you to lay down, I can't cuddle you, I am trying to feed Teddy," she begged her, "just give Mommy a second…"
Eloise wasn't listening.
The bedroom door opened and Joan let herself in. "Oh, Liv…" she murmured, realising how worked up her daughter-in-law was and Eloise was trying to climb on to her.
"Elly," she glanced at her granddaughter, "come over here with Grandma," she ordered her, circling the bed and picking her up. She laid her back down on Trevor's side and tucked her in after a quick cuddle. She rubbed Eloise's back and soothed her.
Olivia felt relieved to have some help. She wiped her eyes and tried to stop her crying, trying to will Teddy's screaming to a halt. He kept spitting out her breast, not wanting to take it. She'd tried everything; his diaper, food, sleep, cuddling him and nothing was calming him down.
Eloise whimpered a little but Joan talked her softly back to sleep. She came around to Olivia and said nothing but slipped her arms beneath Teddy. "Liv, take a minute, go and wash your face, sweetheart," she spoke kindly to her, in a motherly way that Liv couldn't deny felt comforting.
"I don't know what he needs…" she murmured in reply, wiping her own eyes.
"Its okay, it's okay to feel like this, Olivia, please, leave him with me and I'll take him downstairs and try with a bottle and you just take some time for you and come down when you've managed to feel a little calmer that's what Grandmas are for."
"Thanks," Olivia wiped fresh tears as she got up to go to the bathroom. Joan reached out and put a hand on her arm. "Just breathe, Liv, you're a great Mom, but even great Mom's have difficult times."
"Thanks," Liv murmured again, placing her hand over Trevor's mothers to acknowledge the comfort. Joan took a crying Teddy downstairs while Liv went in to bathroom to cry. She desperately wanted to call Trevor, but she didn't want to bother him and knew that Noah needed his attention.
/
"Here, have a warm milk…" Joan handed a mug to Olivia. She had Teddy wrapped in the sling over the top of her nightgown and Olivia had never been more grateful.
"I think you worked a miracle," Olivia remarked, nodding at her quiet son. "Thanks," she added, taking the mug.
Joan smiled at her, "I'm sure you know this but sometimes when you are worked up or emotional, baby picks up on it that's why it can be harder to settle him…"
"I know, I always forget that until the moment has passed and Trevor has waltzed in and taken him and calmed him down." Olivia replied, sipping the warm milk.
"He knew Mommy was upset and so he was upset," she smiled down at the infant who was looking around, waiting for his milk to be warmed as if he hadn't been screaming for the past twenty minutes. They both moved toward the living room.
"I can take him if you like Joan, you don't have to stay up all night."
She chuckled. "Olivia, I'm an old lady, I don't have anywhere to be — the older you get, the less you sleep."
"I know but…" she paused as she sat in her favourite spot, she let out a breath. "Its hard to accept help sometimes," she admitted, "I'm not used to having so many people ready to pick up for me."
Joan smiled at her. She got comfortable, setting her own mug down and cuddling her treasured grandson. "You know, Olivia, I do know how you feel… I have been going through a transformation," she paused and laughed at the idea, "fancy that, teaching an old dog new tricks…"
Olivia was able to smile wearily.
"I didn't have anyone else to rely on when my children were young. I had a husband but he wasn't reliable and I couldn't trust him around the kids and I felt like I was barely holding it all together and when my husband died, I wondered why on earth I had put up with it all — why I hadn't left and why I put up with the abuse and the loneliness and the feeling of always failing my children…"
"We make the decisions that we think are the right thing to do at the time, I guess." Liv replied wisely - it was something that she had grown to understand about people when it came to domestic violence or abusive relationships.
Joan nodded. "You're right about that. I built up a resentment toward my kids, Erika especially because she was always questioning me around why I didn't leave her father, Trevor remembers more, but Erika has heard the stories and I just so badly wanted her to find the right person so that she never had to feel like I did, to have children so that she would understand that sometimes you can do everything in your power to love them and still it might not be right…" Olivia could tell that Trevor's mother was getting a little misty-eyed. "When I look at Erika, she just reminds me of all the mistakes that I made, I desperately don't want her to endure any of that. She made me so angry, but I've realised I was angry with myself for letting my husband lay his hands on her."
"I think Erika can be forgiving if you explained that to her," Olivia replied, being sensitive with her words. "Its been one of the nicest things to watch, you both mending that relationship - because the relationship I walked in to the first time we met was tumultuous at best and toxic at worst…"
"I didn't come off very likeable, I'm sure. But I'm trying to acknowledge my own personal trauma so that I can be softer with her. I have to take responsibility that even though I may not have meant to cause her any pain in her childhood, I still did — Trevor too, I still have to apologise and be warmer and kinder and accept that I deserve the relationship with my daughter that I have desperately wanted all these years but have done everything in my power to sabotage it."
"Of course you deserve that. It wasn't your fault you had an abusive husband, you didn't ask for that. You were a victim too, Joan."
She said nothing. "Well… all I know is that I don't want to lose this chance to see my daughter happy, to be a part of her child's life and to be close with both of my children, it's what I always wanted." Joan swallowed the lump in her throat and turned to look Olivia in her eyes, "I just want her to be able to rely on me — you too, Liv, I love that I'm here with you, that we are just starting to get to know one another outside of your relationship with my son."
"I love that too," Olivia replied sincerely, "you're always welcome here, always…you're so kind to have accepted Noah without any question and I am so, so happy for my son that he gets to have the family that I didn't."
"I know what you've been through," Joan spoke softly, "I read about it recently, by accident, actually… and I spoke to Trevor about it and he explained that he was your adoption lawyer with Noah and then helped you again after your kidnapping."
Olivia's smile tightened. She didn't need anyone to bring him up. Teddy had woken her up from a nightmare about him, a bad one, one that had her sobbing before she even had issues settling him. It felt like he had been haunting her since her late pregnancy.
On the nights that she was so exhausted, she couldn't help but let it all enter her mind again, she didn't have the power to shut it out. She and Trevor talked around it at times but she found it very hard to verbalise her feelings and everything was just a little bit stressful, she didn't want to add more to it. She felt like he didn't even deserve any discussion about him, yet it was starting to intensify.
"Yeah, he's the reason I got to keep Noah, I was lucky."
"You didn't do anything wrong either," she said to Olivia, "you fought to survive, my sweetheart, and you deserve the world - Trevor is so, so deeply in love with you — the way that he talks about you, he way that he loves Noah," she smiled, "I've never seen him so … soft."
Olivia was relieved that Joan didn't want to discuss her kidnap in details; it was too much. "He's everything…" her voice trailed off. "But it's still hard to get used to. Before Trevor it was just Noah and I, that's it… my squad are good, they helped me coordinate Noah in a jam but…. I'm their Captain, I climbed the ranks, I have to be tough."
"I understand, sweetheart," she replied to Olivia warmly, "but we're all family now and that's what we're here to do, to support you. I know by the time Erika gives birth, you're going to be there for her just in the same way. Grandma Langan will be jumping from house to house — and let me tell you, I am just so excited for that."
Olivia felt affection for her mother-in-law. She reached across between the space of the two couches, holding out her hand. "Thanks, Joan, that means a lot to me, I appreciate your help tonight, I did need help. I do need help. I've just jumped from having one child to three and it can be hard some days."
"But you're doing such a good job and you and Trevor do everything so well-synced, I'm always impressed by how well you both manage with the three of them."
"We try… Trevor is such a great Dad, I can't even tell you… The Moms on the school runs love him, the women at Noah's school are … awful to me, but good grief, they all almost fall over the second they see him, one Mom even boldly asked him to coffee…" she laughed, "but he's so focused on the kids and me which is so … amazing to know I've got that solid rock."
"He is very focused on the things that are important to him," she told Olivia, "and I know that the four of you are everything to him."
Liv smiled again to herself. She let out a contented sigh and finished sipping her milk. "I can take him if you like, I can just feed him and let him co-sleep."
"No, it's okay, he's at peace, why don't you sleep. I imagine it's going to be a big day tomorrow and you're going to want some rest. Erika is coming early with Sonny and they'll bring some breakfast and I can rest when they arrive so you can express as much milk as you like or we can bring Teddy down a little later so you can have some time."
"I feel terrible that you're not going to sleep."
"I'll sleep," Joan replied, "I'll wait til he wakes up and I'll feed him and put him to bed in the hammock here and I will sleep when he's asleep."
"Okay," Olivia relented, "thank you."
"That's okay, go upstairs, get in to bed and enjoy some Mommy snuggles with Elly and if I need you I can wake you up."
"Please do," Olivia agreed.
/
Trevor awoke around 6:30 in the morning with Olivia's hand on his shoulder. He stirred slightly, feeling her lips at his temple. "Mmmm…" he smiled before opening his eyes, forgetting where he was.
"Hi baby," she whispered, he felt the grip of her hand rubbing his upper arm. Before he went to sleep he had undone a few buttons of his white button-down work shirt and discarded his suit jacket and tie. It wasn't the most comfortable sleep, but he'd been sleeping on and off, waking each time Noah did.
He eased up, rubbing his eyes. She took a step back, allowing him the room to extricate himself from the bed beside their son. "Hi sweetie," he gave her a weary smile. He sat on the edge, trying to wake himself up. She held up a coffee for him and placed it down on a bedside table. He noticed that something was a little off with her. She looked absolutely exhausted, as if she hadn't slept at all. Not wanting to insult her, he said nothing about it.
"Oooft, I love you so much, Benson…" he turned his attention to the coffee and held out his arms invitingly. Olivia couldn't resist him with his fluffy, messy hair and disheveled business attire. He really was an amazing father. She missed him overnight. She wrapped her arms around him and let his embrace swallow her up in to his warmth and love. She closed her eyes, feeling her tension dissipate immediately.
His embrace always felt like home.
"I missed you," he murmured before she had the chance to say it.
"I missed you too," she spoke muffled against his shoulder. He sucked his neck back a little so he could see her face. His eyes lowered to meet hers, still a little taller than her from his seat on the edge of the bed.
She pouted her lips, Trevor obliged her for a soft, kiss, letting his mouth rest against hers for a prolonged period of time, savouring it.
"Love you," she said finally.
He took her face in his hands and stroked her cheeks with his thumbs. "I love you…" she looked as tired as he felt. "Did you sleep okay?"
"Not really, I was up with Teddy until about 2 and your Mom helped me out… we spent a little bit of time downstairs together, I had a bit of a melt down," she admitted, lowering her eyes as if she was ashamed.
"I'm sorry you had a bad night…" he kissed her forehead, "but no need to feel bad about it, Mom would have loved helping out, she would have really yearned for all of this when Elly was a baby. She loves you too, it brings her joy."
Liv smiled faintly. "I'm glad your Mom is around, it's nice to have a Mom of some sort," she murmured.
"I'm happy to share my Mom with you," he added, kissing her again.
She let her head sink down upon his shoulder again and cuddled him close, tight, bear hugging him, showing him how much she needed him. He could feel it in her touch.
"How's Noah been?" she asked, hoping that her son hadn't been in too much pain through the night.
"He's uncomfortable and a little nauseous but he's fine. I tried to get some more info out of him than what he told us earlier, but he's really just not interested in talking about it too much."
"It doesn't matter," Liv replied, "I already know what I need to know and on Monday I am going to pay a visit to the school and I'm going to get Fin to go and see the mother, I am not letting them get away with this."
"The longer I've laid here with him, the more I agree. I want to scare them and I plan to follow through with the school, I'll just need to talk to Kara about it," he told her, "but I am happy to do it as a private case, I just don't know if it's a conflict of interest."
"Oh," Olivia smiled, reluctantly pulling away from her man, "its definitely a conflict of interest."
They both managed a laugh.
"Baby, you look so tired, why don't you go home and get changed and have a shower and come back later?" she asked him.
"I might go home just to get a change of clothes and see my other two babes," he smiled, "but I will be back before the doctor comes to see him and they can tell us what the game plan is."
"Okay," Olivia smiled. "I'm so glad to have you with me, love," she told him sincerely. "I realised last night how much I rely on you and I am just so grateful for you, from the bottom of my heart, I deeply appreciate you."
"Oh," he smiled, drawing her near again, feeling his heart swell with emotion for her. "You have no idea how lucky I feel to have you, baby, I love you so much and I'm always here for you…"
"I know," she smiled, "I used to feel like… there would be something, like, we were just moving along but one day you would find reason to leave."
"I'm not going anywhere, we've got a family now," he smiled and kissed her, "and I couldn't stay away from you if I tried, you're too wonderful."
She grinned back at him and kissed his lips right back.
"Okay," she spoke softly, "go, go get changed, you look disheveled," she chuckled.
He smiled too and stood up straight. He straightened his shirt and done up the buttons properly. He slipped his shoes on and Olivia helped him with his jacket top. He kissed her softly on the side of the cheek.
/
"So, Noah, what we're going to do, is we are going to give you some medicine through your arm and it's going to make you really sleepy," the anaesthetic specialist explained to the little boy. "And when you wake up, your arm will feel a lot better and you will have a really cool cast on it that you can have all of your friends sign," he flashed him a smile.
Olivia gave her son a little squeeze and kissed his temple. "How cool is that, Noah?" she asked, "but the best thing is, you won't feel as much pain when you wake up," she told him.
Noah buried his face in to his Mom's chest, the whole situation proving to be a little overwhelming to him.
"Thanks," Trevor told the specialist. "he's just a little upset and he's in pain still."
"Its okay," he smiled back at the parents, "but Noah will be in great hands."
"Can one of us come in with him until he is asleep?" Trevor asked.
"What we like to do is give a weak sedative so that he will sleep before we take him in, it takes a bit of pressure off and some of the scariness of general anaesthetic," he explained.
Olivia nodded, happy that her little boy wouldn't have to feel like they were leaving his side. "Babe, when you wake up, Daddy and I will bring you a nice food surprise," she told him, kissing him again. He hadn't been allowed to eat before his surgery.
"Can I see my sister and brother when I wake up?" he asked softly.
Olivia watched Trevor's eyes film over. He got up and came close to Noah's side as the anaesthetic specialist said he would be back with Noah's first dose in a short while.
"Of course you can see your brother and sister," Trevor told him, swallowing the lump in his throat. "Are you excited about having a cast on your arm?"
Noah shook his head. "I don't have school friends to write on it," he pouted.
"Ohhhh honey," Liv felt like she might cry but held it back. "You have all of your friends at t-ball, they love you and want you to get better so you can get back to smashing some home runs." She ran her fingers through his curls.
"I can't play T-Ball can I?" he asked, "not with a stupid cast," he asked.
"Well, we'll see. But you can still go to the games and support your team," she told him, "and we'll make sure you don't miss out on the fun stuff, I promise."
Noah sighed. "Can I go home tonight?"
"Not tonight," Trevor answered. "Maybe tomorrow though," he replied, "and we will get some school work for you so Grandma and Mom and Auntie Erika can help you."
Olivia got up from the side of the bed and tucked his fish stuffy beneath his healthy arm. "I love you, babe…" she told him, "do you have anything you want to talk about with us before your operation?"
He shook his head. "Nothing at all?" Trevor pressed.
"I'm a little bit scared," Noah admitted.
"Oh bud," Trevor murmured before Olivia had the chance to say a word. "its totally normal to be afraid but I promise you that Mommy and I will never let anything bad happen to you." He ran his fingers through his son's hair. "All you need to do is relax and breathe and when you wake up it'll be all good."
Olivia sighed, hating the whole situation.
Less than 15 minutes later the specialist came back with an orderly. Olivia held Noah's hand while Trevor came to her side, holding her, knowing that she was struggling with seeing her son going through pain and surgery.
The anaesthesia specialist slowly administered the sedative.
"Sweetie, close your eyes," Olivia coached her son softly, "take in some nice big deep breaths and Mommy and Daddy will be here for you when you wake up."
She saw tears silently running down her son's face and her heart broke. She kissed his cheeks and wiped them away. "Sweetie, its okay," she soothed him. "I love you so much."
"Mom's right," Trevor confirmed Olivia's words, leaning over and kissing him too. "I love you so much, my son."
Noah was already out like a light.
/
"What's wrong honey?" Olivia asked Trevor.
He shook his head as they sat in the surgical waiting room. She sensed Trevor was upset. She got up from her seat, realising he was emotional. "Babe…" she pressed softly.
"Its nothing," he replied. She watched a tear slide down his cheek, followed by another one.
"Trev…"
"it's nothing," he said firmly, standing up, "I need to take a little walk," he told her almost as if he was irritated with her.
She sat back down in her seat, hurt. "Ok," she replied. "Go then… I'll wait for our son on my own."
He went to take two steps toward the door and stopped. He took a deep breath and wiped his eyes. He reminded himself that there was no shame in showing Olivia his emotion, that she wasn't Helena and she wouldn't judge him.
He turned around and let out a sigh. He sank back down. He reached for Olivia's hand. "I'm sorry," he murmured.
"Trev, you always tell me what's wrong…" she said softly, "I know you're worried about Noah, but don't change how good you are at communicating."
"It just…" he tried to speak, "when you were in surgery," he puffed the words out, overcome with emotion. He was afraid if he said too much he might come undone. "It was hard…"
"Its okay, I'm fine…" she whispered, linking her arm within his and leaning against him, "and Noah will be too."
"It just turned… so quickly and I'm just scared."
Olivia laced her finger through his and gave his hand a squeeze. She lifted her head and kissed his jaw. "I promise he will be fine," she added. She got up and settled herself on his legs and wrapped her arms around him, feeling him enveloping her in his embrace. She tucked her head beneath his chin while he clung tightly to her.
"I love you," he told her.
"I love you too baby," she replied.
/
"You got him?" Trevor asked, making sure she had their son secured.
She nodded. They were back in Noah's room and Olivia was so relieved that his arm was plastered from only his elbow down. He would have more mobility than they had expected.
Noah whimpered softly after awaking from the anaesthetic. He was nauseous and still a little disoriented and cried for Olivia. She held him in her arms while Trevor held a barf bag over his mouth right as he began to throw up.
Olivia made a face and rubbed her son's back. "That's it, babe… get it all out…" she said softly.
"Good boy," Trevor waited until he was done and took the bag away. He got Noah a cloth and was met by the nurse who apologised that she was a little late. He cuddled in to Liv and closed his eyes, almost instantly asleep again.
"I guess this is me for the next few hours," she managed to joke.
"If he continues to vomit we can administer some anti-nausea meds," the nurse informed them, "just give me a buzz," she nodded to the nurse's bell.
"Thanks," Trevor smiled.
"He should recover almost entirely within an hour or two," the nurse added, "then we'll get him something to eat."
"Okay, thank you." Olivia smiled. She got comfortable with Noah.
"Why don't you take a nap," Trevor suggested with a smile, in love with Olivia a million times over for her softness and for her compassion when dealing with their son. He remembered how take-charge she was when Eloise had been sick the previous month. She was able to console him and their daughter and had been their rock.
Nothing had changed with Noah. He knew she was emotional, tired, feeling like a wreck, but none of that was acknowledged til she knew that her family was okay.
"I don't think there's much else to do," she smiled at Trevor.
"I don't think so either, Mom said she will bring Teddy in a little bit later so we can have some time with him and you can feed or express or whatever you'd like to do."
"Your Mom is a saint at this point, I love her." Olivia smiled wearily.
Trevor smiled. He brought a chair up close to the bed and put his phone up. He reached for Olivia's free hand and laced his fingers within them and swept his thumb across her hand affectionately as she closed her eyes.
/
"Am I gonna be able to play T-Ball?" Noah asked eating some cheddar and crackers on his bed as the doctor finished examining his arm.
The doctor grinned at him as cracker dust fell down the front of his tank top. He came around a little later than expected from the anaesthesia and had a small reaction, vomiting and running a low grade fever. Olivia dressed him down to his underwear and clearly he was feeling much better.
"I'm so sorry kiddo, your team is going to suffer a blow out without you this season, I need you to keep that wrist safe for at least 3 months."
Noah's eyes widened and he looked to Trevor and Olivia, "3 Months?!" he exclaimed in disbelief, "Wait, how am I gonna see my team mates?!" he looked like he might cry.
"Its okay bud, we'll still go to all the games and you can sit on the sidelines and cheer your teammates on and maybe we can find other ways for you to help with the team," Trevor assured him. "And we can find another activity for you to do until your wrist heals, okay?"
Noah nodded with a pout.
"I'm sorry Noah, but I'm sure your team mates will want you to be feeling 100% healthy before you play again," the doctor told him.
Interrupting their appointment with the doctor was Joan arriving with Teddy in her arms. Noah's attention immediately shifted. He grinned, "Grandma!" he exclaimed, "Teddy too!"
"Hi my darling," she greeted him. Trevor grabbed his infant son, missing him so much from the night he'd spent and the very short amount of time he had seen him in the morning.
The doctor finished up and promised to be back in to check on Noah in the morning.
"Hi Grandma!" he greeted her. She leaned over and hugged him close to her carefully. "Look at my arm!" he exclaimed as she pulled away.
"Ohhhh you have a cast on your arm, I bet that hurt but I just know you would have been incredibly brave!"
Noah nodded in agreement causing Olivia and Trevor to smile.
"Where's Eloise?" Noah asked, "I haven't seen her."
"Your sister is with Auntie Erika and Uncle Sonny, sweetie," she told him. "But maybe she will come in a little later, she misses you very much, she told me that this morning."
Trevor passed Teddy to Liv knowing that she had missed him too. She smiled at her infant as she listened to Joan's conversation with Noah, feeling grateful for all the supportive people in her life.
She nestled him in to her chest and rocked him absently, looking up to meet Trevor's gaze. "Love you," he murmured, running his fingers through her hair.
"Love you," she repeated with feeling. She reached up and let her hand graze the small of his back as he stood up beside her chair.
Joan looked up at Olivia and Trevor. "Why don't you both go home and get some sleep and I can stay with Noah for a few hours. What do you think of that, Noah?"
"Yeah!" he grinned.
Olivia grinned back at her sweet son. "Maybe Grandma needs a nap," she replied.
"Grandma had plenty of sleep," Joan replied.
"Mom, it's okay, you've been such a huge help already," Trevor told her.
"Nonsense, Trevor, I missed out on all this time with my big boy, didn't I Noah?" she asked, smiling at him. She reached in to her handbag and pulled out something. "Look what Grandma got you…" she showed him a packet of brand new colouring pencils and after digging a little deeper, pulled out a diary sized sketch book.
"I thought we might like to draw some pictures, I remember Daddy told me that you love to do art."
"Yeah, look!" he showed Trevor and Olivia.
"Aww that was so kind of Grandma, what do you say?" Olivia prompted him.
"Thanks Grandma, I love them, will you draw with me?" he asked.
"Of course, while we do that for awhile maybe Mommy and Daddy can go home and have a rest and we can call them if we need them."
"I think we're getting pushed out, Liv…" Trevor smiled.
Olivia chuckled. "Okay, okay…" she agreed. She felt like the most panicky part about Noah's injury had passed and that she would be able to relax a little better.
They got their things together and if Olivia was honest, all she could think about was a nice, long, hot bath with a tiny glass of wine. She wondered how much milk she had. Trevor assisted her, putting on the baby wrap as they got ready to leave.
"Hey bud, give Dad a big hug…" Trevor commanded gently. "You gave us all a big fright yesterday… we are so happy to see you're feeling better now."
Noah obliged with a big smile for his Daddy. He wrapped his healthy arm around Trevor. Trevor was careful and hugged him back too, giving him a little squeeze. "Love you, Noah."
"I love you too, Daddy," he exclaimed. Trevor caught eyes with his mother and noticed the recognition in her eyes. He appreciated that she treated Noah with the same love and kindness that she treated Elly and Teddy with.
"You're okay?" Olivia asked him, giving him a hug too. "You're okay with me going home with Daddy for awhile?" she asked, "because you can say no if you like and I'll stay."
"No Mommy, it's okay, Grandma and I are gonna draw." Olivia was reluctant to go but she was tired and emotionally and physically and all she could think about was relaxing and cuddling with Trevor in bed, even if it was only for an hour.
"Okay, you get Grandma to call me if you want me to come right back, okay?"
"We'll be fine. We'll find plenty of things to do…" Joan assured them both. Olivia allowed Noah a minute for him to smile at his little brother and say a little hello and give him a kiss on his head before they left.
/
Olivia let out a huge yawn when they were out in the fresh air. "You've had a rough few days, baby…" Trevor remarked, holding her hand. "You probably need a big sleep."
"I'm fine," she replied with a shrug.
"Hmm," he smiled to himself. "Can you not start doing that again?" he asked. Before she had the chance to question him he continued, "I'm fine, I'm okay, it's alright…" he added, recalling the catch-cries that came from her mouth in the first 6 or so months of their dating.
She let out a sigh. "I actually had a bad nightmare this morning about him - first one in a long time," she admitted, "I think it's a mixture of what happened with Noah, not having enough sleep and feeling a little inadequate around Teddy."
"Okay," he murmured, not expecting her to blurt out so much. "Which one do you want to tackle first?" he wondered, "because I am ready to reassure you on each count," he told her squeezing her hand. It was unseasonably cool outside and he felt her leaning in to the warmth of his chest.
"I dunno, none of them really, I don't feel like talking about them right this second, can we just go home and relax in bed til Erika brings Eloise home? I kind of miss cuddling with my husband, honestly."
"Okay," he agreed simply, "but I do want to talk about it."
"Later though," she added.
/
Trevor texted his sister and asked if it was possible for them to watch her for a little longer, explaining that Olivia had had a bad night and needed a good rest.
They got home to an empty house and Olivia couldn't help but to feel relieved. "How's this?" Trevor asked, "I'll put Teddy down for you and you express some milk and I will run you a really hot bath and pour you a glass of wine and you can just soak and relax."
"Its okay, I think I could probably feed…" she replied but he could tell she was just trying to be responsible.
"Liv, please…" Trevor said softly, "lemme take care of you," he added as he set his keys down. "I want you to just unwind a little, have a rest."
"Okay…" she relented. "But give it twenty minutes, I think my boobs are full, I might just try to give him a feed if he'll take it and I'll express if I can." She was stalling, her eyes felt like they could just close at any second, but she desperately didn't want to revisit the dream from the early hours of the morning.
Trevor followed Liv to the refrigerator. "Honey," he said, resting his hands on her hips as she opened the door and glanced to the shelf which had all of the small bags of her expressed milk that she they had organised by date. "There's plenty of milk, look…"
"I know, but if I don't either express now or feed him, my boobs are going to burst." She sounded a little down in the dumps and Trevor knew he needed to back off a little and let her do what she felt was the best thing. With one arm around Teddy, wrapped tightly in a cocoon against her body, she closed the fridge and turned to Trevor. She gave him a tired smile. "I'm gonna go and have some skin-to-skin time with him, I feel a little like I've neglected him."
"You haven't," he said quickly, following her upstairs. "You're a good Mom, Liv, please stop second guessing that."
He was sure that she breathed a heavy sigh. Once in their room he helped her unravel the wrap knowing that she was more than capable of doing it herself. "Hey, why don't I get you a bath and you can feed him while you're in the bath, it might be that perfect amount of relaxation to get everything flowing and you get that skin-to-skin time."
Olivia finally smiled, "That sounds like a good idea, thanks baby."
He felt relieved— that he could help in some kind of way. He was starting to feel a little useless. He disappeared in to the bathroom and Olivia began to dress down, placing Teddy in the middle of her bed as she got undressed. She surveyed herself in the mirror with an upturned nose.
She missed her pre-baby body. She hated the scar from her c-section but it had healed nicely and the doctor had assured her that before she knew it it would be all but a faint line as proof of her son. She had lost a lot of the weight but she still carried a little extra and mostly she tried not to worry about it; Trevor never let her feel self-conscious about it, but it was all just feeling a little too much.
She drew her eyes away as soon as she paid attention to some of the scars from him… When she surveyed her body, she never allowed her eyes to spend too long on the nicks and burn marks, but every now and then she was drawn to them and it too easily caused flashbacks. It was easier not to actively allow herself to think about it.
Exhaustion triggered her the hardest. With exhaustion came the nightmares and the more often with the nightmares came the flashbacks. It had been awhile since she'd had a bad one; since she and Trevor had first met, she thought, since she had told him what had happened.
They rarely spoke of it again, she figured it wasn't something he really wanted to hear about, much less something that she wanted to continue talking about.
"Liv?"
she looked up to find Trevor standing by their bed about to reach for Teddy, wondering how much time she'd lost staring at herself, transfixed by the dark memories that sucked her in without her even realising.
"Yeah?"
"You didn't hear me calling out?" he asked, "what's wrong? Are you sure you're okay?" he was concerned, she was acting a little out of sorts.
"I'm exhausted, Trev, that's all, I'm sorry… I just went off with the fairies for a moment," she explained. She tried to smile but she knew he was aware that she wasn't in a smiling mood.
"Its okay," he replied, "let me change Teddy's diaper and you go get ready for the bath. I'll bring him in for you."
"Thank you, love…" she let her voice trail off as she made her way in to the huge bathroom. She sat on the edge of the tub and took a few deep breaths to clear her mind.
/
Olivia sat up and let Teddy feed. Trevor left her for a moment to get her a glass of cold water from the fridge in their bedroom and came back to sit beside her. It wasn't that he trust her alone, it's just that he could see just how tired she was and didn't want to risk her nodding off with Teddy in her arms when she was so relaxed.
"Here…" he handed her the water and she gulped it down realizing that she hadn't had anything to eat or drink all day.
"Thanks…" Trevor took the glass and eased himself down on the bath mat beside the tub. "You don't have to babysit me, Trev, I'm okay."
"I know, but I just want to spend some time with you…" he replied, "as long as I'm not annoying you."
She smiled as she caressed Teddy's dark hair with her wet hands. "You never annoy me…"
"Does it feel good to relax with him like that while he feeds?" Trevor wondered, not being able to help himself but to reach over and caress his son's half submerged body.
"Yeah, but if he decides to shit I am going to be in a lot of trouble," Olivia managed to laugh.
Trevor made a face, "I sincerely hope that doesn't happen, that's one way to make bath time an unfavourable event," he chuckled.
"I'll get you to take him as soon as he's done if he doesn't just sleep," she told him, "and then I'll lay here and express if there's anything left."
"Okay," he smiled.
Olivia got the sense that Trevor wanted to talk to her about what she had admitted to him in a moment of vulnerability when they walked home from the hospital.
"You know," she began, "I know you're worried about me, but I promise that I'm okay," she added. "I think I've just had a few nights without sleep and it makes everything else feel bad and it makes me extra emotional."
Trevor listened to her and let her words settle before he attempted to respond. "I don't doubt that you're okay, Olivia, because you are an incredibly strong and resilient woman, but that doesn't mean that when you're going through some struggles that you shouldn't lean on me or talk to me about it."
She went to respond; to protest, but he wasn't finished, "I know sometimes you require a little time to process your emotions, but I want to support you and so does everyone else so…" he shrugged, "show me that beautiful vulnerability that you usually have no problem showing me…"
She smiled at him, letting her eyes meet his. He knew she was trying to hold back tears and eventually the smile turned in to a grimace as she tried very hard to not come undone. "I'm just avoiding becoming so emotional that I won't get anything done."
"Its alright," Trevor murmured. He reached over and cupped her cheek on the opposite side of her face. "I don't mind if you become emotional, I don't mind if I have to get Lucy to help a little more or Mom or Ez… I would rather do that than have you hold on to whatever is going on within you so tightly that it starts to spill over in other ways."
He wiped some escaping tears with his thumb from her cheeks. "Please, Liv… tell me… remember how you felt after you told me about him?" he continued to implore her, "it was hard, but you did it and afterwards you told me that you felt lighter."
She reached up and wiped her opposite eye. She glanced down at Teddy and saw that his eyes were closed and that his tiny little cupid's bow lips had stopped sucking for milk. "Can you take him and put a diaper on him and put him to bed for a little while?" she asked, drawing in a deep breath.
Trevor tried not to feel disappointed by her change of subject.
He grabbed the baby towel and scooped up his son and took him to their bedroom. Olivia tried to compose herself. Trevor was right, she hadn't stopped thinking about her dream since she had managed to get herself back off to sleep the night before.
It had been a long time and she hoped an even longer time before it happened again, but she couldn't deny that it had affected her day and her emotions.
She really wished she had that glass of wine.
/
Trevor went downstairs after he put Teddy to bed, rocking him for a short while after he changed his diaper. It was almost 5pm. He picked up his phone and texted Erika.
Hey how's my kid going? I hope she's not being a handful. Thanks for holding on to her longer. I am at home with Liv and Mom is with Noah and I'm just a little worried about her. If Elly is being too much though, let me know, she's got a little bit of sass at the moment so if you need a break it's fine.
He went in to the kitchen and got himself the largest wine glass he could find. He filled it with some left over pinot and took a minute for himself. He took a big mouthful and filled it again and picked up his phone. He texted his Mom to give her the heads up, to let Noah know he would be back as soon as he could be.
He received a reply from Erika.
Hey stink pants (that's what your precious daughter wanted me to call you), we are fine. If it gets too late just face time us and say goodnight and she can spend the night here with us. Please don't worry, we have everything under control for you guys, you've both had a crazy week, take it easy. I don't mean to be rude but your kid doesn't miss you, she's busy getting piggy backed around the horse by Sonny who I'm sure will complain of a sore back tomorrow and we've watched movies, eaten too much sugar and I think we're in for a busy night before an imminent sugar crash."
Trevor was able to smile.
He replied. Too much sugar? doesn't miss us? busy night?! ha! I think she's your problem now, you can keep her! Let me know if she's about to crash out or face time us. I've not really seen her for two days and I feel terrible but … if you promise she's okay, I will come pick her up as soon as Olivia comes to the hospital in the morning. Love you
He took the wine glass back upstairs and found Olivia sitting up straight as if she was about to get out of the tub. "What are you doing, baby?" he asked, "just relax," he told her, setting the glass down.
She looked up at him, his voice had startled her.
"Sorry," he apologised in a softer tone, "I didn't mean to sneak up on you…"
"It's alright," she replied.
"Got room for me in there?" he asked, nodding at the tub.
"Got room in that wine for me to have a sip?" she asked, finally cracking half a smile.
Trevor beamed back at her. "Of course I do… I texted Mom, she and Noah are fine and apparently Elly is getting piggy-backed around the house by Sonny and she's giving them grief but she's probably going to stay with them for the night unless she freaks out between now and then."
"I feel so bad about that…" Olivia sighed. She watched Trevor disrobe casually, pulling off his shirt and taking down his pants and removing his underclothes. She scooted forward and allowed him to awkwardly and safely slide in to the tub behind her.
"More water?" she asked him after it had settled. Her bath had been shallow for the most part for the baby's sake, but now they could fill it higher.
"Sure, but don't burn me," he joked knowing how she loved to have the water extra hot.
She said nothing as her hand laid stationery on the faucet. He was about to pick up the wine glass when he noticed her shoulders shaking.
"Olivia?" he questioned, slowly realising that she was silently sobbing.
"Liv…" he repeated, sitting forward. He slid his arms around her and embraced her firmly. He felt an ache within him when he realised just how deeply she was hurting. "Oh, honey…" he murmured, "is it something I said?" he wondered.
He realised in an instant after he went over the words he had just said out loud and how ordinarily she wouldn't have blinked twice, but she was incredibly sensitive, exhausted and had admitted to him that she'd dreamed of him. Perhaps making a light-hearted joke about her burning him may not have been the best thing that popped in to his mind, he thought, feeling a little stupid.
Olivia felt embarrassed that the word alone could trigger something inside of her that unleashed a feeling of deep, irrational fear and regret.
"I'm so sorry, I shouldn't have made that joke," he tried again, "I love you so much."
He held her tightly, letting her cry it out.
He rested his cheek on her bare shoulder and stroked her hair with his damp hands.
"I feel so stupid…" she murmured through her tears when she was finally able to speak. She rested her arms over his. He would never understand quite how much his firm bear hug helped to comfort her, she thought. She relished his body wrapped tightly around her, non-judging, just compassionate and comforting.
"Don't you ever feel stupid for getting upset over the things that have happened to you," he replied firmly. She felt his long fingers gently raking through her wavy hair. "I'm here, Liv, if you want to talk about it…"
She turned slightly to the side so that she could see his face. He scooted forward, allowing her to turn herself around to face him, resting her legs over his. He drew her closer until he was all but embracing her. He took her cheeks in his hands and kissed her ever-so-softly upon her lips. "I love you and nothing that you can tell me will make me feel differently."
She averted her eyes to the light covering of hair over his sculpted pecs. "I dreamed about the burns," she said, "all those things that he did," she paused and cleared her throat, trying to stop herself from shaking when she let her mind go there. "it was more of a-" she wiped fresh tears with the heel of her palm. She still couldn't bring herself to look at him, "more of reenactment of what happened, like reliving it in my dream."
She dared to look at him. Trevor was so serious, his forehead was creased with concern for her, deepening his faint worry lines. His eyebrows were fused together, concentrating on every word that left her mouth. Her body trembled and her mouth felt dry. "Its okay," he said quietly.
"It makes it hard for me to want to go to sleep," Olivia admitted. It finally made sense to him, the reason she had avoided going right to bed when he had afforded her the chance. "And before when I was getting changed, all I could see were the scars and I had a brief flashback."
He had suspected it, she had disappeared mentally when he had finished drawing her bath. He had come to find Teddy whining and Olivia transfixed by her own reflection — as she wasn't usually one for vanity, he figured she was surveying herself so closely for a reason.
"I'm so sorry that you are going through this, that it still comes up…"
She wiped more tears. "When I see my scars… I try to block them out, I try to not pay them attention because when I do, the smell, the unfiltered terror, the look on his face — it all comes at me hard and fast."
"I didn't know that, Liv…" he replied. She had never admitted that to him before. He too, never spent too long focusing on the scars that he had left. It was something unfathomable to commit an emotion to when he had found out exactly how they had got there, but they weren't her, they were blemishes, just some lines here and there that could have easily been explained away as birth marks. "I'm sorry."
"I hate them, it makes me hate me and I never felt that way about my body before him. He took my confidence."
"Baby, I know for you those scars have a deep trauma attached to them, but I want you to know that they are so insignificant to me in terms of how I view your body. I think you are incredible and resilient, Olivia Benson and you are my absolute favourite superhero in every essence of that title." He kissed her cheek.
She hated to contradict him, but he was missing an important point. "I know you don't care and that you will always love me unconditionally," she replied, trying her best through her tear-filled voice, barely being able to choke back a sob, "but they're not insignificant to me," A few sobs escaped, hating that she was taking away the beautiful words he'd spoken. She drew in a shaking puff of air before she spoke again, "I'm confident that you love me, honey," she wiped her face again with her trembling hands, "but I don't feel confident about this…" she glanced down at a scar along her right shoulder, small, barely noticeable to anyone but herself. "Or this…" the most noticeable, just above the valley of her breasts. She traced her finger over it.
Trevor watched her, feeling his eyes fill with tears, not expecting her to reveal just how broken she was feeling. "Olivia," he whispered, trying to swallow the lump in his throat. He took her hand, "how long have you been holding this inside?" he asked, realising this wasn't just something she had been holding back from him over the past 24 hours.
She gave a weak shrug.
"I'm sorry," she apologised, "I don't want to make you feel uncomfortable, that's the last thing I want."
"I'm not uncomfortable my love," he told her with conviction and sincerity. "and please stop apologising to me, your feelings are so completely valid," he told her, taking her shoulders in his hands, holding her firmly. "I'm here, I'm still not going anywhere."
Olivia inched closer to him and rested her head on his shoulder. He drew her in as close as he could. She snaked her arms around to his back, holding tightly to him. "I'm scared of sleeping," she blurted out, "I don't want to dream of him again,"
Trevor didn't quite know how to respond. "You have to sleep baby," he told her softly, "I'll stay by your side or on the phone or wherever I need to be until you go to sleep-" he was desperate to have the answers but he knew it was futile.
"I'm being irrational, I know."
She lifted herself so she could see his face. He shook his head and gave her a tiny glimpse of a smile - not a happy one, it was a smile of love and recognition, "No, love," he said quietly, "you're not being irrational, none of this irrational. What happened to you was a nightmare in itself," he sympathised.
"Can I tell you something else?"
"Of course, Liv, I want you to tell me…"
"Every time someone says things unfavourable to me about Helena, or when they say nice things about how I've slipped in to the role as Elly's Mom, it eats me up a little…"
"Why, baby?" he wondered, "I hope you don't feel any guilt."
"I do," she murmured. "I feel like … I had a hand in her death."
He shook his head slowly again. "No, honey, you didn't. What makes you think that?"
"The time we went to the hospital before she passed, when you left us to talk, she started telling me that Eloise didn't deserve to have a mother like her, that you taking Elly from her was the kindest thing you could do, she asked me to promise that I'd love Elly unconditionally and that I'd be kind to her and it was alarm bells and I asked her if she was suicidal," Olivia's words came tumbling out of her mouth, troubled by her own emotional weight as she told him, "she said she wasn't suicidal but she didn't know how long she would take to be Elly's Mom again and that she couldn't deal with how she would think of her knowing about her addiction when she grew older…"
Trevor was a little surprised that Olivia hadn't told him sooner, but he understood.
"And I should have known, I deal with people every day in her situation — I know when someone is showing classic symptoms of being suicidal, I just …"
"Olivia-" he stopped her, he ran his fingers through her hair, laying his hands stationary on either side of her face, "Olivia stop-" he said as she went to speak again, "Helena finding her way in to an opiates cupboard was a very, very deliberate thing to do and I think when we went that day she had already made the choice, nothing we could have stopped her and it most certainly isn't your fault."
"But what if-"
"Olivia, she harmed my child for the first three of her years. I did research, Eloise displayed all the signs of addiction when she was born, she kept my family and me away from my little girl who needed us the most and she lied to me and cheated on me and who knows how long she left my daughter screaming in her crib or without meals because she was going through her addiction after she made me leave…"
"I know but-"
"Liv," Trevor commanded her name firmly, "it is not your fault she did this. The hospital was negligent, even if you flagged her comments, she would have taken her life if thats what she was set on. You are not at fault, do you hear me?"
Both of their eyes were thick with a clear film of water, Trevor's spilled over first, tears ran down both of his cheeks, his gut wrenched with pain for the weight of Olivia's hurt and internal struggles. "I am so sorry that you are feeling like this, Liv, but you are not guilty of this and you should not feel guilty about him or thinking or dreaming about him or even for getting upset over what he did. You're allowed to scream, shout, cry, hit something, smash something —" he felt Olivia brushing away his tears before hers fell too.
"I wanted to tell you about all of what she said to me but I was scared you'd hate me for not saying something-"
"Why?" he asked, "no amount of warning you could have given anyone could have stopped what happened if she had already planned it in her head," he told her, "and you asked her if she was suicidal, she said no…"
Olivia nodded. Trevor kissed her forehead. "I know that I don't have all the right words to say but I wish so hard that I could take this pain away from you, Olivia, I would do it, I would do anything for that in a heart beat, love…"
"I know," she sobbed. "I wish I could make it stop too…"
"I wonder if you being exhausted has triggered all this, or is this something you just … you dont talk to me about? That you hold inside?" he didn't want her to think he was accusing her, he was just concerned that she may have been trying to save his feelings.
"Its just been…" Olivia stopped to compose her voice and stop herself from shuddering from all of the tears, "since Teddy, since those last few weeks of pregnancy, people being so intimate with my body, I think… and probably the exhaustion too, when I'm too tired to fight away the bad thoughts and the memories—" she admitted.
"Okay," he replied simply. He drew her in closer, embracing her tightly again. "Well, honey, I don't want you to deal with this alone, I don't want you to hide it from me. Don't try to save me from your feelings, I can manage… I want to know what's going on in your heart and in your head…"
"Okay," she repeated.
He caressed her bare skin on her back absently trying to think up something that would help her in the very present. "Maybe tonight you stay here with Mom and you get Mom to sleep next to you," he suggested.
She shook her head, "I don't want to leave Noah tonight."
He shrugged, "I don't mind…"
She shook her head. She gripped him just that little bit tighter. "I don't want to leave your side either." Her words came out like a guilty admission - her quiet vulnerability seeking compassion and comfort from the man who had her heart.
"Okay," he replied gently, "we'll both stay with Noah… Mom can stay here with Teddy."
"I'm sorry for being needy, but I do need you right now," she informed him. He tightened his embrace too and planted a kiss upon the crown of her head. "I need you too, my sweetheart," he replied.
She pulled away and looked up at him. She managed a smile as best as she could. "I love you so much," she told him.
"I love you too with all of my heart, Liv…" he returned her smile. She sent his soul afloat and she made his skin tingle with the warmth of her embrace and the glint of clear film covering her eyes. It made his heart want to overflow with emotion and affection. He always wanted to be close to her in a physical and emotional sense. He didn't want her to distance herself in any kind of way. He worried for her state of mind and hoped it was something that time and sleep would cure.
She tucked her head beneath his chin, pressing her chest against his, feeling her heart beating hard from the anxieties and sadness that had been plaguing her.
Olivia closed her eyes tightly enjoying the freshness and protectiveness of his embrace. She felt safe in his arms, she knew he would never let another person harm her just the way that he turned in to a ferocious papa bear the second her son had been hurt. She knew if someone harmed her, he would see his anger through and somehow the idea of him going to battle for her made her feel secure.
/
The next morning Trevor woke to soft voices. He pulled himself from the chair. He had slept close to the hospital bed with an arm around Olivia all night. She was so tired that she hadn't really moved during the night - neither had Noah either, they slept close together.
He could hear Olivia's laughter. He looked up above the bed and could see that the TV was on and the two of them were watching cartoons. "Mommy I love Bugs Bunny," Noah giggled.
"He's funny, isn't he?" she asked, "when I was little I used to like Porky Pig."
Noah laughed again, "he's funny."
Trevor smiled to himself. A nurse had brought in a more comfortable padded chair for him when they arrived. He sat forward, pulling the hospital blanket away from him. He stretched and gave a yawn. "Morning team…" he greeted them, standing up. His back ached a little but he was just happy to see Olivia looking a little less tense.
Both she and his son greeted him with smiles. "Good morning, love," Olivia replied. He kissed her cheek and circled the bed and kissed Noah. "Good morning Daddy!" Noah grinned, "you both slept here allllllll night," he informed them as if they didn't know.
"We did," he winked. "We had a sleep over. Did you sleep okay?" he asked them both, but looked to Liv.
She nodded and gave him a little smile.
"Mommy has to get up and go home and feed Teddy," Olivia told them, "get some milk ready for him and pick up Eloise on my way."
"Can I come home today?" Noah asked, "I miss Elly and Teddy."
"I think so, Bud, but we have to wait to see what the doctor says, okay?"
Noah nodded as Olivia slowly got up out of bed.
/
Things felt a lot more peaceful once everyone was back at home and Noah, although still a little sore, everyone was happier.
"Can I draw a picture on your arm?" Elly asked almost shyly when she saw Noah's new cast.
"Not yet, Elly, Grandma and I are going to do a special art on it first." he informed her. "but when we are finished you can put your name on it."
"Okay. Can I sit next to you and look at it?" she asked curiously.
Noah glanced at his sister suspiciously. "Oohhhhkay," he said slowly, "but be careful because my arm still hurts, doesn't it Daddy?" he glanced at Trevor who sat beside Olivia on her favourite couch.
"Yes bud, it's going to be sore for a few days, so Elly you have to be very careful not to hurt Noah."
She eased herself back in to the couch next to him and they focused on the Toy Story 2 movie that they'd both asked to watch. Elly quickly forgot about Noah's cast.
Olivia smiled at Trevor, glad that the oldest two were happy for their own space; it allowed them to both be able to sit side by side, sharing a glass of wine that they hadn't been able to have the night before.
"You know I was thinking-" Trevor started.
"SHHHHHHHUUSHHHH!" Eloise pressed her fingers to her lips and glared at her father. "we are trying to watch!"
Olivia pressed her lips together and looked away.
"Excuse me, little miss sassy pants," Trevor stared her down, "don't be rude to me or Mom, we are allowed to talk softly, you'll just have to listen harder."
"It's rude to talk in a movie," she insisted, "that's what Auntie Ezzie told me when we watched Frozen."
"Sounds like Auntie Ez was trying to get some quiet time," Trevor muttered. Olivia nearly choked on her mouthful of pinot. "Just watch the movie, Eloise, don't worry about what I'm talking about."
She sighed heavily and looked at Noah. "Daddy is so rude," she whispered loudly.
Olivia pressed her face against Trevor's shoulder. She had no ability to hold back her laughter with Eloise. She found her attitude to be mostly harmless but hilarious.
"No he's not," Noah replied, "now you're talking, be quiet."
"Hmph." Eloise turned back to the movie.
When Olivia rose her face from him, they shared an amused expression. "Do you hear her?" he whispered, "how is this child developing so much attitude?"
"She's got a point though, honey, it's rude to talk over the top of a movie," she winked, "she's not saying anything that isn't true."
Trevor shook his head and grinned at her. "You are supposed to be on my side."
She laughed and kissed his lips. He could taste the traces of wine on her tongue and relished her warm mouth lingering over his. She let her eyes travel to his mouth. He grinned. "Love you, so glad for us to sleep side-by-side tonight…"
"Me too," she agreed. He took the wine glass gently from her hands and took a sip. "in fact the second this movie goes off, I'm going to bed and so are these little maniacs," she nodded toward the kids.
Trevor smiled, taking another sip before passing her the glass back.
"Look," she whispered. She nodded toward the kids and watched Elly.
She patted Noah's healthy arm. He glanced at her absently, distracted by her touch briefly. "What?"
"I like your arm bandage, I'm sorry your arm got hurt by the stupid fucking kid!"
Noah burst in to laughter at her curse word.
"OH NO!" she exclaimed, glancing in horror at her Dad and Mom. She clapped her hand over her mouth, shocked at what had burst out of her mouth. "I'm sorry Daddy! I said a swear! I didn't mean it!"
It was the first time she had shown remorse for her bad language. He wanted to react, but Olivia gently touched his arm.
"Elly," she said firmly, "that's a really bad word and you know you're not supposed to say it, but thank you for saying sorry, I know it was an accident, but if you swear one more time you are going to have to put money in the swear jar, it won't be for just Mommy and Daddy, you got it?"
She nodded solemnly. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean it. It was a mistake."
Noah was still giggling gleefully, he was happy that his little sister had acknowledged his own sentiments about the school bullies, but her sheer bravery for letting the word fly out of her mouth without respect to any consequences made him lose himself to laughter.
"Don't laugh at me! That's not kind!" she told Noah, narrowing her eyes, upset.
"Noah," Trevor tried to calm him gently with his own tone. "I think what Elly wanted to say to you was that she's upset that someone at school hurt you."
Elly nodded seriously, her bad word already long forgotten. Noah was still smiling but knew he needed to be serious. "I know," he said with a shrug as the smile faded. "Thanks Elly, you're my best sister." he gave her a little hug until Trevor advised them to watch the movie.
/
"Oh my goodness," Trevor sighed with contentedness, "it is so good to be back in my own bed."
Olivia smiled at him. "Tonight has felt nice and calm. The kids were in good spirits, Teddy has been pretty good, I had a good sleep last night and I won't wake up alone."
She kissed Teddy goodnight in his crib near their bed just as Trevor had. "I hope he manages to sleep through for at least four hours."
"Olivia when he wakes up, let me get up, okay?" he said, "I really want you to concentrate on getting a few night's of solid sleep."
"You have to work."
"I know, but I spoke to Lucy and my Mom today. For a few weeks Lucy will be staying here for two nights and Mom for one and you and I can take care of the other night's together."
"Trev," she sighed, "I kind of want to just get through this on my own, there are plenty of women in my shoes who don't have this kind of help-"
"And those women didn't go through what you went through with him, they're not you. I'm concerned about you. And honey it's okay to need help, you need to reach out during that time instead of pushing away. Lucy will be here to help with Noah's school work three days a week. Mom will help the other days or she will help with Teddy while you help him— it'll just be for a few weeks."
"Okay…" she sighed, "I feel bad-"
"Well stop it, Mom is excited, she loves being with us and spending time with the kids and the kids love it too, okay? It means family dinners more often with Erika and Sonny and more family time in general. Is that okay?" he asked.
"Of course. You know how much I love our family…" Trevor smiled and kissed her. "I've also talked to Kara and I'm doing some office work from home two or three days a week and will just go in to meet with clients or to court."
"Kara is absolutely the best boss after Christian," she replied. "She has been so understanding."
"I know, but she's a working Mom, she gets it. Things happen that we can't control," Trevor shrugged.
"Thanks for helping me in a practical way, Trev," she said sincerely, "I already feel a little lighter. It helps when you're so physically comforting but when you step in and take the reins from me, I do feel just that extra bit more supported; your words always match your actions and you promised that from the beginning and you've never let me down."
He simply smiled. "I just love you so much, baby and I really want you to feel at your best all the time…. which brings me to my next subject," he drew in a breath and wondered how she might take his suggestion. "How do you think you might find visiting a therapist again? Not the same one, someone different, life has changed really fast for the both of us and it's brought up a lot of feelings, for you especial-"
"I've thought about it already," she replied, "I can call the NYPD Benevolence organisation and they organise therapy free of charge because of the nature of what happened to me."
"Well, if you want to go with someone independent of the police, that's fine too," he told her, thinking that something more specialised than a counsellor would be better suited.
"Maybe," she murmured.
"Can we look for someone together?" he asked, "someone who is right." he added.
"Okay," she agreed.
"Good, I was just thinking that I'm so worried about saying the wrong thing or something that isn't helpful. I don't want to give you bad advice, I'd love for you to talk to me, but I think you need the professional coping skills that I probably can't help with."
"But I love you for trying and once again thinking of practical ways to help," she replied.
"I love you too," he replied. "Now turn that lamp off and get over here so I can snuggle you!"
"Actually, can we leave it on? Is it gonna bother you? You can turn it off when I fall asleep-"
"What if we leave the bathroom light on? Is that okay?" he asked. She nodded, as long as there was some slip of light, she knew she would be fine. He got up before she got the chance and turned the light on and left the door ajar. Olivia turned off the bedside lamp and waited for him to get back in.