A/N
Hello (echo)! Thanks everyone for reading my story - I've been thinking about it and honestly, I think this is coming to a close. There's still a few chapters left but I am finding that there seems to be less interest in readers and I feel like its all dragging on just a little and I feel like every chapter is just that little bit more boring than the last hahaha. Anyway, there's upcoming nuptials and a few other things to take care of - but if there's any requests of things you want me to follow up on, drop me a comment. Thanks for reading and hope you enjoy this one! 3
"What do you hope to get out of this today?" the psychologist looked over her notepad at Olivia, taking off her glasses and placing them down beside her on a small table beside the large, black, leather armchair.
"Honestly?" Olivia rose her eyebrow, "I don't even know, I guess I just don't want to continue letting my past burden my fiancé and I don't want it to affect my kids."
Olivia surveyed the woman who had long, thick dark hair. She was around the same age and had pretty green eyes that until just seconds ago were covered with thick red-framed glasses. She was nice and a little easier to talk to than the therapist that she had chatted with after him.
"Those are realistic goals, Liv. I know when you're dealing with a lot of trauma it can be really difficult to delve straight in to it, so unless you feel comfortable with diving in, I could ask a few questions and you can answer whatever comes easiest for you, how does that sound?"
Olivia nodded. She felt uneasy and uncomfortable already and she knew that Rian, her therapist would be digging at her past in no time, mining away at the bits of her that felt the most pain when exposed to others.
"So, lets talk about your family — you've got three kids and a husband-to-be, Trevor, right?"
"Right," Olivia replied. She sat back in her own leather chair a little stiffly. "My beautiful baby Teddy is almost two months old and I have the sassiest little three year old, Eloise and my first baby, Noah — he's almost seven."
"Wow!" she exclaimed, "three under 7 years old, that must take some very careful scheduling," she chuckled, observing that Olivia immediately beamed proudly when she mentioned her children and Trevor.
"Yeah, they can be a handful but… most of the time I feel really grateful for them. I mean, I can't complain, we have a nanny who helps out, a lot of mothers don't have that luxury."
"A lot of women don't Captain the NYPD Special Victims Unit and have an ADA as a husband who also works around the clock too, I think no one is going to hold it against you if you get a little help," Rian challenged her.
"I know, but still. We have family close by and really, I'm old enough and should know how to do this," Olivia shrugged, "but I've never had a newborn before and it's a struggle some days…"
"No? Do you want to go in to that?" she asked, quizzical by what Olivia meant.
"Noah, my eldest, he's adopted. He is the child of a deceased victim I dealt with at work, the father was unknown and he'd been in and out of foster care and … it just all fell in to place."
Rian listened. She didn't respond right away, she wanted Olivia to continue on.
"Eloise is… she's Trevor's biological daughter from his previous marriage. Her mother suicided close to a year ago… and Teddy… well…" she sighed, "he was a little bit of a surprise. I became pregnant just before Trevor and I officially moved in together."
"Wow," Rian exclaimed, "Olivia, that is a lot right there…" she told her with an empathetic smile. "You had to get used to being a primary carer for someone else's child while your body was getting ready to make way for another child."
Olivia went to protest, "I loved Eloise, I am so sad that she lost her mother, I never would have wanted hat for her, but…" she sighed, thinking about Helena and the last conversation they had. She blinked it out of her mind, "I don't regret having to become her secondary parent… and I certainly don't regret Teddy."
"How is that working out on you all? Was there pressure on you to be Eloise's mother?"
Olivia shook her head, "No, never. She missed her Mom a lot immediately, she cried for her often and still has some nightmares, but she very quickly went from calling me Olivia to calling me Mom and for a short while, Trev and I corrected her but—" Olivia shook her head, "she's so young and she didn't fully understand what was happening and I couldn't constantly keep breaking her heart so Trevor was okay with whatever I was okay with — same for Noah."
"Still," Rian insisted, "it's a lot to take on very quickly, but I'm already getting the sense that you are incredibly selfless, would you agree?"
Olivia thought for a second before responding. She shrugged, "I just see what needs to be done and I do it, I'm not looking to be altruistic."
Rian chuckled, "Says the altruistic empath."
Even Olivia managed a laugh.
"And what about work, you're still on leave?" she questioned her.
"Yeah… I'm on extended leave, maybe until the end of summer, I'm not entirely sure, my Chief and I are keeping in close communication and when I'm ready, I'll go back."
"When do you think that might be?" she asked, "Do you have a timeline you want to loosely follow or do you think you might just know when you feel right to leave Teddy at home?"
Olivia shrugged. "I really am just trying to get through day-to-day at the moment. I'm tired all of the time so at this point, I don't think I could go back to work until Teddy stops feeding."
Rian nodded and picked up her pad to write some notes. "Olivia, I just want to ask you something straight-forward because I feel like you are the sort of person that appreciates a direct approach."
"I am," she agreed.
"Why are you here with me? We covered what you wish to achieve, but do you feel like you're falling short in any particular area?"
Olivia didn't answer right away, she held her space and thought about it and Rian could sense her emotions beginning to surface so she tried again, "Without details, can you tell me what you think your main barriers are at home or at work or in relationships?"
"I'm not coping at home some days. I am having nightmares about a situation that happened at work which I don't think I've entirely worked through. I feel Mom guilt daily about everything… I am struggling with a sense of family, accepting help," she shook her head and shrugged, "I guess I just constantly keep telling Trevor I'm fine because I'm not used to having anyone who actually cares enough about me."
Olivia felt her eyes begin to film over with water.
"I feel like I'm partially to blame for Eloise's mother's death. My son is going through a really hard time at school with bullying and it's breaking my heart and I guess… there's all the other stuff with my family history that's hard for me to run from."
"Olivia, that's a lot of stuff," Rian admitted, "but we can talk through it all, when you put it all like that, it does sound scary," she empathised, watching Liv reach for a tissue to wipe beneath her eyes, "and we're gonna bring in Trevor whenever you feel like you want to get his take, or if you want to discuss things with him with my help, we're gonna tackle all of this."
Olivia nodded, sniffing.
"Whatever you're comfortable with, though… so you tell me what you want to discuss for the rest of our session and we'll start with that," she smiled reassuringly at Olivia.
/
"How did it go?" Trevor asked Olivia as she closed the consulting door behind her. He jumped to his feet and came to her side. There was one other person waiting. Olivia glanced at her and gave her a feeble smile before looking at Trevor. She was trying to hold her emotions in but it was hard. She felt him take her hand as they went to the reception desk to pay for her session.
Trevor got his wallet out and handed over their insurance details without a word. Olivia spoke softly with the receptionist about her next appointment. She was handed an appointment card.
Trevor rested his hand on the small of Olivia's back while they walked back out of the building. She hadn't uttered a word and he was a little concerned. The first session had been an introduction, Olivia had told him, the therapy was actually just beginning.
"Hey," he let his hand fall in to hers, "how are you?"
She glanced up at him and shrugged. "I don't know, honestly…"
"Need some processing time?" he wondered, giving her hand a little squeeze.
"Yeah, maybe…" she murmured.
"Okay, that's understandable. Why don't we go home and you can do something for a couple of hours while I take care of everything."
"You've got work to do," she replied. "You've already taken your lunch break to come with me."
He rose an eyebrow, "Liv, don't… I just want to give you some time. Mom's at home with Teddy and Noah and I am working, but I can keep my ear out and I can sit Noah at my desk with me while he works too."
Olivia reminded Rian's words — the exercise to stop protesting help. If it was offered and she wanted to take it up but felt as though it was asking too much, she had to just accept, no questions asked.
"Okay," she replied softly, feeling weird about it.
"So when we get home, say hello to Noah and Teddy and Mom and go upstairs and do whatever you want — catch up on a TV show, sleep, whatever you like, okay?"
"Thanks…" she leaned her head on his arm as a little show of affection.
/
"Mom," Trevor began after Olivia took Teddy from his portable crib for a cuddle, "Liv is gonna just take an hour to herself upstairs, are you okay to stick around for a little?" he wondered.
"Of course, I can stick around as long as you need," she smiled, looking up from the dining table where Noah was working on some math.
"Thank you…" he walked past her to the kitchen, stopping to kiss her cheek and kiss Noah on the top of his head. "I'm going to do some work in the study but I was thinking that you, Noah, could come and sit at my desk with me and do some school work quietly, what do you think?"
"Its okay, Trev," Joan told him, "I can watch Noah and Teddy, I can multitask you know."
"I know," he replied, helping himself to a drink. "but I thought it would be nice to be able to work beside my son, what do you think, bud?" Trevor looked at Noah, "do you want to stay here and work on your math with grandma or do you wanna come and sit with Daddy and work on your reading or something else?"
Noah looked from his grandma to his father and shrugged, "I don't want to hurt Grandma's feelings," he said softly.
Joan grinned at him and looked to Trevor. "Grandma's feelings are not hurt, darling, you go and work with Daddy, I will take care of Teddy and your Mommy."
"Mommy is okay," Olivia smiled re-assuringly as she came in to the kitchen carrying her baby. "Promise," she added.
"Mommy have you been sick? Is that why you went to the doctor?" Noah asked. Olivia smiled tightly at him, wondering who had told him she was going to the doctor.
"No honey, I'm not sick," she replied. "Remember when you and Elly went and had a talk with that nice lady about all the big changes and about Elly's other Mommy?" she reminded him.
He nodded.
"I went to talk to someone about the big changes in our life, sometimes it helps to talk about things."
"Oh," Noah looked down at his schoolwork and thoughtfully before looking back at Olivia. "Because you're sad?"
She pulled a chair out beside her son, not minding that Joan and Trevor were witnessing the conversation. "No honey, I'm not sad about the changes we have, I'm very happy," she reached over and caressed her little boy's curls. "but sometimes Mommy and Daddy need some help to organise our thoughts a little better so that when you or Elly or Teddy need us, we do a wonderful job at helping."
"Oh," he repeated, taking in her answer. "You and Daddy are always helpful."
She grinned at him. "Thanks babe, I love you for telling me that."
"I love you!" he exclaimed, "you are the best Mom ever."
Olivia chuckled. "That's because I have the best kids ever," she winked. With one arm hooked around Teddy, holding him to her chest, she leaned over and gave her eldest son a little squeeze. "Thank you my love, you always make Mommy's day. I'm very lucky."
She meant it too, she was just a little bit emotional from Noah's sweetness. She got up from the chair and watched Noah pack his things.
"I might get something together for lunch, what do you guys think?" she announced.
"No, I think I will get something ready for lunch," Joan replied. "And I will take Teddy for an hour or so and you, my sweetheart, can go upstairs or watch TV or do whatever it is that you would like to do—"
Olivia glanced at her mother-in-law and to Trevor who did a terrible job at pretending to mind his own business by looking away, taking a comically long gulp of his bottled water. She sighed. "I don't feel great about this," she admitted, "in fact, I feel like I'm dismissing my responsibilities."
"Noah, go set up your things on Daddy's desk, okay?" Trevor told him. He waited for Noah to leave the room until he turned to Liv. "Olivia, your responsibility is to feel good enough for us to be able to get the best part of you. If Mom didn't want to do this for us, she would have told us she was busy, right Mom?"
"Right," she agreed, "even if you want to go out and do something for yourself… go get a massage or your nails done— anything, Liv, I want you to do that for you."
She felt her eyes welling up. "Thanks," she said, sniffing. Joan reached her before Trevor and gave her a little squeeze. She took Teddy from her gently and once she retreated, Trevor honed in.
He wrapped his arms around her and kissed her cheek. "Do you feel like sleeping?" he asked.
She shook her head and he understood immediately why. Two nightmares in a week kept her a little wired and unwilling to sleep easy. She slept better with Trevor beside her, holding her for the safety in his embrace. He woke her if he thought she was having a bad dream.
"Why don't you go get a massage?" he wondered. "Do you think that'd help?"
"No, I'm fine," she said with a little smile. Olivia noticed that Joan had taken Teddy in to the office to make sure Noah was setting up — probably to give them some privacy.
"Okay, well, I'll give you a massage later, how about that?" he offered.
Olivia chuckled. "I'm okay Trevor, I promise."
"Nah," he shook his head, "I'm gonna give you a massage later and get you relaxed and feeling well-rested."
"I love you," she murmured. "I think I'll just go upstairs and get in to my pyjamas and watch some trash."
He smiled back at her, "I love you too," he replied, "Please get all that 90 day fiancé trash out of the way before I come to bed," he joked.
Olivia laughed. She knew how low brow Trevor thought reality TV was, but she didn't care, she liked to sit and watch it and not think about anything else, indulging in the stupidity of others even she knew deep down that it wasn't actually real.
They broke their embrace and he kissed her lips. "I'll come and check on you in a little while…"
/
Olivia woke up in the early afternoon; surprised she had fallen asleep. Her arm had pins and needles and she wiped a little drool from the corner of her mouth. She knew she had fallen in to a deep slumber, she hadn't had a bad dream and she felt a little disoriented about what time it was.
She let her eyes fall closed again, unsure if she wanted to get herself up.
She just began to drift off when she heard footsteps. She opened her eyes and rolled over, hating to be crept up on.
It was Joan. "Oh, you're awake," she spoke softly and soothingly, "I'm sorry if I woke you."
"No, its alright," Olivia replied. Joan was holding a plate with something on it. "I was just dozing. What are the kids up to?" she asked.
"Don't worry about the kids. Noah is having an afternoon snack with his Dad and then they're going to work on some other stuff and Teddy had some milk and he's sleeping. I just came to bring you up something to eat."
"Oh, thank you Joan…" Olivia smiled and relaxed back on to her pillow. "You are such a blessing."
She smiled at Olivia, "It's just a lemon tea cake that I threw together after you went to sleep, would you like me to get you some tea or a coffee or something?"
"Ugh…" Olivia chuckled, "you really, absolutely are the best, but no its alright, I can come and get a drink, you've really done enough."
"Don't be silly. Tea or coffee."
"I will only agree if you promise to get yourself something to eat and come and sit here with me and have a rest too."
Joan smiled at her, "you drive a hard bargain, Olivia, but I'll take you up on that."
/
Olivia sat up and picked up her phone to text Trevor. "Hi baby, I just woke up from being asleep for over an hour. I've sent your Mom to come and hang out with me up here. Are you all good? If Noah is keeping you from doing work, send him up too, okay? I love you and thank you for letting me rest today. I know you're just downstairs, but I will talk to you about my session later but I really just wanted you to know how much I love and appreciate you for everything you do and how much you pamper me. You are absolutely my safe space and my home. I love you! I love you! I LOVE YOU!"
She smiled to herself and yawned and looked at the tea cake that she lifted up. She felt so lucky to have Joan around. She was such an amazing cook and she could smell the lemon in the cake as she lifted the plate. She sniffed it and she knew it was going to be good drenched in a lemon syrup. She knew it was going to be made only better with coffee or tea — she had told Joan to surprise her.
Her phone buzzed as she fixed the channel on to the pre-recorded shows so that she could continue on with her 90 day fiancé marathon.
She picked up her phone, placing the cake on her lap. She opened her instant response from Trevor and grinned.
"Noah and I are getting through all of our work together and I am so glad you had a rest baby. Lucy is here tomorrow and I have a couple of things that I need you to do for me but we'll talk about that later. I love you so much and I cannot wait to be your husband! I love you too my sweetheart. Don't worry about Noah and I, you and Mom can hang out, I love that for you both."
Olivia smiled at the phone and sent him a heart in reply just as Joan came in with Trevor trailing behind her. He held a plate and Teddy in his other arm. He quietly handed Olivia the plate of cake that belonged to his mother and then placed his baby son in to his crib.
As Joan set down a cup of tea for liv and one for herself on Trevor's side, he came to see Olivia and smiled at her. He leaned over and kissed her lips. "Love you…" he lingered over her and let his hand rest upon the soft, smooth skin of her cheek. He reached his fingers in to her hair at the back of her neck and swiped his thumb affectionately.
He loved the way that she looked at him with her large, warm eyes that allowed him to know how much she adored him. He couldn't help himself, he kissed her lips again.
"Love you too," she replied.
He retracted his hand and glanced at his Mom. "Are you okay there?" he asked. His mother was still quite agile and could get around without assistance but it never stopped Trevor from wanting to help.
"I'm fine, sweetheart," she told him.
"Okay, just text me if either of you need anything," he told them. He glanced at the TV and then back at Olivia and chuckled. "You're still watching this?"
"Shut up," she snapped but they all knew she was joking, "you know I like my TV thoughtless and superficial, you don't get to judge," she added.
"I'm not judging," he held his hands up in surrender, "I just think it's a little funny," he continued to chuckle.
"Enjoy…" she couldn't help but to grin back at him; he was cute and she could tell he was teasing her. He really couldn't get his head around the TV shows she liked to watch during her downtime, but he made the effort and never complained and she was glad about that.
She picked up her tea and took a sip, it was perfect. Joan had taught her the best way to take it — English style with a little milk and some sugar. "Thanks Joan, for my tea and my cake," she smiled, reaching out and touching the shoulder of her mother-in-law.
Joan smiled at her, picking up her own tea. "You're welcome, Liv. You know I would do anything for you, Trevor and the kids."
Olivia smiled and put down the tea. She picked up her small dessert plate that held the contents of an amazing-looking cake. She spooned a little in her mouth realising that she was hungry.
She made a noise of delight which Joan felt pleased about.
Since Trevor had announced Olivia's pregnancy, Joan knew she had to get over her own personal insecurities and inadequacies that came in the form of bitterness and cruelty all in an effort to keep her children's love at a distance, it was what she felt she deserved.
But she wanted; she wanted as a grandmother to have a relationship that Trevor's first wife didn't allow her to have and she wanted Erika to love her the way the daughter's of her friend's children loved them. She wanted to see Erika smile instead of crying whenever she was around and above all else it hurt far more to hurt her daughter because of her own selfishness.
Helena had been a lost cause; trying to be involved with Eloise had been a constant battle and constant heartbreak and anger at being pushed away. She felt that even though Trevor said he was trying to resolve the problems, that it was perhaps in someway what he wanted too — to keep her away from her granddaughter the way she had only wished she had been strong enough to keep her children away from their father.
The resentment toward her late husband was sometimes overwhelming but other times confused with how wonderful he had been before the trauma had set in. She knew that deep down he didn't want to harm his children, he only wanted the best for them - it was his trauma that took away his capacity to be the kind of father that they had talked about when they'd met.
She loved Olivia for her warmth and for her ability to look past her initial behaviour. Olivia was open-hearted and kind and tough but soft around Trevor and admirable for all that she had achieved despite her own trauma. Olivia was a perfect example of not letting trauma ruin a life. She loved how much her daughter loved Olivia too, how Erika raved about her and treated her like a big sister despite taking it sometimes a little too far— but that was Erika and always had been, teasing, stirring and sometimes a little mischievous but she was incredibly smart and sensitive and strong too, far stronger than she had been at her age.
Above all else, Olivia had been so trusting when it came to Noah and Teddy - she was happy to be able to have two new grandchildren as well as Eloise and nothing could have excited her more than to have yet another on the way.
"Joan?" Olivia prompted her, waking her from her reverie.
Olivia saw Trevor's mother blinking back tears. "Joan, what's wrong?" she asked.
Joan looked down at Olivia's hand on her arm again, her face wore a concerned expression.
"Nothing," she held a faint smile on her lips and shook her head as if she were afraid that her tears may fall. Olivia placed her plate down on her lap and grabbed her hand in hers.
"It's something," she prompted, "tell me…"
Joan reached up with her free hand to wipe a tear that had escaped. "I was just thinking of how much time I wasted pushing and pushing to the point of being so awful to my own children…"
Olivia could at least understand part of it.
"Its okay," Liv said softly to comfort her, "don't beat yourself up about it — you are making amends and I know for a fact both Trevor and Erika are so, so, so happy that the three of you are able to spend time together and Erika is so pleased that you're willing to work through things with her and hear her out."
"I am so ashamed of the way I treated Erika, we were so close when she was a little girl."
"I am sure that you can get that close with her again, I think it will make her the happiest, I am telling you — that fiery daughter of yours is burning for her Mama day after day."
"Thanks Olivia and I am so happy that Trevor found you," she lowered her voice. "Helena made life very hard for me when Eloise was born…"
Olivia nodded understandingly. It wasn't the first time she heard that. "It must have felt really upsetting," she reflected to Joan, "I couldn't imagine feeling like I was cut out of my sons life," she added.
"I thought it was Trevor… putting the blame on Helena."
"I doubt that very much, it sounds like Helena even blocked Trevor too— it was easier to hide what was going on," Olivia replied.
Joan nodded in agreement. "I have to be honest, I love nothing than being here with you and Trevor and the kids. I love being part of this household to help and spend time with them."
Olivia smiled. "I've said it before and I truly mean it, I'm always happy to have you here and you've been such an angel to me. I got so embarrassed when Trevor told me he'd asked you to come and help out for awhile."
She shook her head, "No, I don't want you to be embarrassed, it's so nice for me to be here for a couple of nights a week — I know you're going through something Olivia, and one of my biggest issues in my life has been accepting help and I don't want you to have that problem either, not when it's no problem from anyone."
"Thank you… it is hard," she admitted, "there is so much guilt involved," Liv added, "it makes me feel like a bad Mom when I know there are other Moms out there doing it all alone without any help or complaint."
"And if you had to do it like that, you would and you'd do it flawlessly, Olivia, I know it, but the fact is, you don't, you can ask for help. I just know that if your parents were around they'd be happy to chip in too."
"I don't know about that, but it's a nice thought," Olivia smiled wryly, letting her mind drift off momentarily, thinking of what her mother would be like as a grandparent.
"Trevor told me both of your parents passed on, that must be really hard," she added.
"Trevor didn't tell you about my father?" Olivia asked her, surprised.
Joan rose an eyebrow just as the door burst open.
It was Erika, surprising them both. "Heyyyyy jerk faces!" she joked, making her grand entrance, dropping her bag beside the door.
"Erika!" Joan scolded her with a smile; she was starting to understand her daughter's silly sense of humour which could have come across as rude or mean, but it was just her way of showing affection.
"Hiiii," Olivia smiled. It had been a few days since she'd seen Erika. She looked tired. She was wearing a pair of faded jeans, a t-shirt and what could have been described as a flimsy thin scarf. "What's with the scarf? It's like 85 outside today…"
Erika unwound it from her neck and in the dim light of the bedroom Olivia smirked at the nasty love bite on her neck. She remembered when Trevor had left his mark on her and her co-workers had noticed. "It was so embarrassing, one of my male students saw it and it started a whole thing, I had to turn in to a bitch to get it to stop."
"What?" Joan asked, clueless, "what is it?"
"A love bite Mom, your darling son-in-law left a love bite on my neck."
Joan made a face but managed a laugh. Normally she would have felt uncomfortable but the level of ease in the room made it less difficult to take part in the joke, to share the silliness with her two girls.
"Tell Sonny he better stop or he'll have to answer to me," Joan added, making sure they knew she was kidding.
Erika smiled wearily, "I just had to come over for a visit, I missed you guys and Sonny has been working nights and I've barely had time to see him and I had such a bad day," she sighed.
"He hasn't been that far away from you, still managed to find the time to maim your neck," Olivia shot back smartly.
Erika flushed and laughed. "Trev said you guys were having some girl time, can I interrupt?"
"You're not interrupting, darling," Joan told her, "why don't I go and get you some tea too—I made some cake, how does that sound?"
"That sounds good, Mom," Erika sighed with contentment.
"Don't get up, Joan, I'll get Trevor to get it…"
"No, don't…" Erika shook her head, "I'll go down and get it myself, I'm not useless yet, I'm holding on to all my gambling chips so when I feel like a whale I can exchange them for a lot of sympathy and favours."
They both laughed.
"Liv, I know this is probably pushing things, but do you have a pair of gym pants or something I can change in to?"
"Honey, are you kidding? You're not pushing anything, go in and get whatever you want…" Olivia replied, taking another mouthful of her cake.
Erika smiled and turned to her mother, "I'm gonna find Liv's sexiest dress and come and hang out in bed in it…"
"Suit yourself," Olivia replied not biting. "Also, there's a good chance I no longer fit any of my 'sexy' dresses," she added with air quotes, "so go for the gusto."
They watched Erika disappear in to the closet with a laugh.
/
"How's it going upstairs?" Trevor asked as he pottered around the kitchen getting dinner ready. He was almost done for the day. "And are you staying for dinner?"
"Can I?" she asked, hoisting herself up on to the countertop. "what are you guys having?"
"I dunno, I'm trying to figure it out, but of course you can stay… what's going on with you, anyway? You seem a bit down in the dumps." He glanced at his sister and his eyes registered the giant bruise just above her collarbone. He frowned, narrowing his eyes and made a face. "Gross, do I have to bitch slap this man of yours?"
Erika laughed, "as if you haven't left a dirty mark on Olivia…"
"We're not talking about me right now…" he shot back, the back of his neck heating up because he knew that she had him and she knew it too. "And don't change the subject, what's going on?"
"I think it's a mixture of hormones and just Sonny being on nights and since I took up my PHD again, I'm up late every night reading the driest fucking texts you could ever imagine," she sighed.
"How are you going to keep that up when the baby arrives?" Trevor asked, "I mean, realistically?"
"I don't know yet," she made a face like she was frustrated at the very thought. "I just want to get as much done now in case it's too had once baby is here."
Trevor knew that she was being unrealistic — that she wasn't going to be able to continue working right after giving birth, that she wouldn't have the capacity to study late nights with an infant, even still almost 2 months after having Teddy, Liv was still suffering baby brain and concentrating while being exhausted was totally out of the question. "Okay, well… if there's anything I can do, let me know." he leaned forward and gave his sister a hug.
He poured his instant coffee and finished making Erika's tea. "There you go."
"Thanks…" she paused, "Actually Trev, can I tell you something?" she glanced up pointedly toward the stairs to make sure their mother wasn't in earshot.
"Yeah, of course, what is it?" he paused, about to cut her a slice of cake. He wondered what she might have to say about his mother.
"I'm really worried about Olivia," she said quietly, "she just doesn't seem like herself and I have been wondering whether or not to say anything."
Trevor glanced at her and she knew by the way tension filled his expression that he was aware of something. "I don't know how much she wants me to say and how much she wants to keep to herself, but you're very perceptive, kiddo, she is struggling a lot at the moment with some personal things but today I took her to her second therapy appointment and that's why Mom and I have given her the day to just.. be. We haven't really talked about it yet, but I know it was rough, I think she just wants to chill out tonight."
"Oh thank goodness, I thought maybe she was being weird with me, like I did something wrong."
"No silly, Liv would tell you if you upset her, I'm sure of it…" she slid off the kitchen counter and grabbed her tea and her cake. "Okay, so I'll just smother her in love."
Trevor smiled. "Good idea, she'll love that."
"And you're going to make the best husband ever, Trev."
"I can't wait," he replied. "Off you go, Elly will be home soon and you'll need to watch your mouth so get all your curses out now," he joked.
/
Joan sat between the two women that meant the most to her as Erika gathered their empty plates and stacked them up, putting them aside on Trevor's nightstand.
"So wait," Erika interrupted, "is this guy, Michael, is he actually sincere or is she the one that's being insincere?" she asked about the TV show they were watching.
"I think he's a little bit of a moron and she's after the big bucks," Olivia replied with a shrug, "but it's all fake anyway so I don't think it matters."
They laughed as the show ended.
"Scandalous," Erika remarked in monotone sarcastically as she yawn. She leaned her head on her Mom's arm. "I never thought I'd be able to say I'm hanging out with my Mom and my sister in bed with a baby inside of me."
Olivia laughed and reached for Erika's hand across Joan's waist. "Why would you ever think that you might want to say that?" she giggled, "you say the weirdest things sometimes, but I'm so eternally grateful to have you both with me."
Erika gave her hand a squeeze as Joan put her arm around both women and kissed them each on the temple. "I'm a very happy Mom," she replied.
"I think my mother would have hated a moment like this," Olivia chuckled, "she would have thought it was frivolous and silly — she wasn't big on emotions."
"But she would have loved you in whatever way that she could have," Joan replied, not wanting to make any comment about Olivia's mother.
"Yeah, that's true, she did love me the best way she could," she replied thoughtfully.
"I'm sorry that your Mom didn't get to be a grandmother, that must be really hard," Erika replied.
Olivia shrugged, "My Mom didn't want to be a mother much-less a grandmother to be truthful."
"I'm sure that's not tru-"
"No, no, it's okay, I've made my peace with it and for her reasons, I don't entirely blame her." She glanced at her sleeping baby in his crib and wondered how anyone would feel anything but pure, burning love for their child.
"What reason could that be?" Erika challenged her.
Olivia thought about getting in to it but she'd already talked about it once that day, she didn't want to become emotional again.
"Honestly?" she sat up a little straighter, "it's probably another story for another time. I just want to hang out with you guys…"
"Sorry," Erika said quickly, "I didn't mean to pry," she added, surprised that Olivia wasn't as open about everything as she usually was.
"No, no," she replied, "I just talked about it a lot in therapy this morning and I think I'm all talked out for the minute about all that heavy stuff."
"That's understandable," Erika replied. She tried to change the subject, "Is there another episode?"
"No, I'm all up-to-date." she handed her sister-in-law the remote, "you can put something on though."
/
"Okay but be calm, baby," she could hear Trevor's voice from outside of the room. She could hear Eloise promising not to shout or wake Teddy but it didn't stop her from thundering in to the room excitedly to see her family. "Mommy!" she whispered loudly before grinning and waving at her grandmother and auntie,
"Hi sweetheart!" she exclaimed. Eloise made a beeline to her and Olivia held her arms out. Elly crashed in to her arms and let Olivia pull her in to her lap. She embraced her for a few moments, relishing her tiny body against her own.
"How was your day?" Olivia asked as Eloise pulled away.
"It was good, Mommy! I did a painting!" she crawled off her and cuddled her grandma and then Erika. "Where is my brother? Can I give him a cuddle?" she wanted to know.
"I think you need to just wait until Teddy wakes up," Erika told her niece gently, "it won't be long, he's been asleep awhile."
Eloise gave her aunt the stink-eye. "You're not the boss of me or my brother," she shot back with irritation.
"I know somebody who is just like their auntie Erika," Joan remarked as Olivia and Trevor both hid their smirks.
"Excuse me, little but actually, auntie Erika is the boss of you and your brother as well as Mommy and Grandma and I, so what she says is the last word. Don't speak to her like that."
"Yeah, don't speak to me like that," Erika repeated with a little smirk. "Auntie Ez has had a really tough day, you should be nice to me," she told the little girl who spread herself over the three ladies.
"Why?" Eloise asked, "did you do some colouring with your class at your school?" she asked, knowing her auntie was a teacher.
"Kind of," she smiled.
"Noah asked for hamburgers for dinner so is everyone okay with me making that?" Trevor asked.
"Can we make it a cheeseburger, Daddy?" Eloise asked excitedly, giving her father her full attention.
"Of course, I'll get up in a moment and come and help you organise dinner," Olivia smiled at him.
"No, it's fine, you can relax, I've got it."
"No, I want to," Olivia replied and she meant it. She was a little done with sitting around and her legs were beginning to cramp.
"Okay, but take your time, Noah and I are just doing dude stuff," he smiled.
/
"Mom are you staying here tonight?" Trevor asked as she helped him by taking some of the potatoes from the fry-pan where she had insisted on making some sliced and fried potatoes to go with the burgers he had been making.
"If you need me, of course I can," she smiled, "I think Erika is sizing herself up to stay here too, she's feeling very sensitive, I think it's the hormones."
Trevor chuckled as he stood by her with their backs to the family who were waiting at the dining table. "Poor kiddo," he remarked, "she can stay too if she likes. I was just thinking," he lowered his voice, looking over his shoulder, "do you think it'd be okay if after we put the kids to bed, if I took Liv out for an hour or so on a little… impromptu date?"
Joan chuckled but smiled up at her son, "you're such a good boy. While I had eye elsewhere, you somehow turned in to such a special man, Trevor, I am so proud of the man that you are."
"Aww," Trevor felt himself soften for the sweet moment between him and his mother — he couldn't remember such a moment. "Thanks for saying that, Mom," he put his arm around her and gave her a squeeze and kissed her cheek. "I love you," he offered.
"I love you too," she replied, reciprocating his arm around her; circling hers around him too. She gave him a little squeeze. "And of course that's fine, it might be nice to leave the house in this lovely balmy evening," she smiled.
It was a little warm, he thought, and the perfect weather to take Olivia to her favourite Frozen Yoghurt place. "That's what I thought," he agreed, "Liv loves summer and we haven't really been out of this house together for something other than kids, work or appointments."
He let go of his Mom and held out a plate so she could finish plating up the potatoes. "I remember you used to make fried potatoes like this for us when we were kids, just a bowl of fried potatoes, it felt like Christmas — even when Dad had his first restaurant, he stole your recipe, remember?" Trevor laughed, "the diners went crazy for them."
Joan laughed, "Yeah, I do remember. I'm surprised you remember that…" her voice trailed off.
"Of course I remember, those were good memories, Mom, not all of my memories of my childhood are terrible, most of the time it was pretty good," he informed her, "just you know… things went kinda south for a long time, but it wasn't you, Mom, you were just trying to protect us."
He sensed his mother tensing a little. "I never wanted you or Erika to get hurt, Trev…"
"I know," he said softly. He really didn't want to get in to it right as he was serving dinner, "don't worry Mom, we're fine, you can stop feeling guilty," he rested his hand on her back and gave her an affectionate rub.
"Thank you sweetheart," she said softly, biting her lip to keep her tears back. She continued to finish up with the potatoes as Trevor dressed all of the burgers he made.
Joan handed in him a plate with the potato slices. He used some tongs and shared them out over the plates.
"Oh, no thank you Daddy, I don't want a cheese burger," Eloise told Trevor, pushing her plate away as soon as it was placed in front of her. She smiled at him politely.
Olivia rose her eyebrow and waited for Trevor to react. Nobody else said a word. Joan sat down at her place and the table fell silent.
He pushed the plate back in front of her and smiled back, "Grandma and I just spent all that time making you a cheeseburger and some yummy roast potatoes and you are going to eat it."
"No thanks!" she replied in a cheery tone.
Olivia could practically see the steam emanating from Trevor's ears. She knew it was time to step in. One thing he strongly disliked in his children was ungratefulness.
"Eloise," Olivia started, "We're all going to be eating Grandma's amazing potatoes and Daddy's lovely hamburger and then maybe we can have some ice cream afterwards — and nobody is going to leave the table until they've eaten, including you."
Eloise stared at Olivia and gave her a slow blink which, if in any other situation, she would have found comical. "Well," Liv challenged her, staring her out until Elly looked away first. "What are you going to eat? Daddy's not going to cook you anything else, he is going to sit down and eat, aren't you Dad?" she glanced at Trevor pointedly. He sat down too.
"Mmm the cheeseburger is good," Noah said softly.
"See," Olivia replied to Elly, "there's nothing wrong with your burger."
"Grandma can make me some nuggets," Elly murmured quietly.
"Absolutely not," Trevor shot back, "you can eat your burger, or not, I don't really care, but if you don't eat it, someone else will and then you will go to bed with a hungry tummy and you won't get dessert and you'll be sitting here at the table alone all night after everyone else goes to have fun in the living room with a movie or some games."
"No!" she exclaimed.
"Well then sit up like the big girl that you are and eat as much as you can," he shot back, having no time for her silliness. "You asked me upstairs if I could make cheeseburgers and I made you one special just for you, so eat it and stop being rude."
Eloise hid her face. She leaned against the tabletop, embarrassed in front of the audience.
He took a deep breath and reached over to Liv, touching her arm in quiet gratitude for her having his back.
/
"I have a surprise for you, honey…" Trevor began, coming up to Olivia as she stood at the kitchen basin doing dishes. He rested his hands on her hips.
"Mmm?" she smiled to herself as she wiped down the sink, leaving the pots to air dry on the drying rack. "What is that?" she wondered.
Trevor lifted a hand from her waist and pushed the hair from the back of her neck and brushed his lips against her skin. He knew she couldn't resist him paying attention to the juncture of her neck. "Are you interested?"
"Yes, tell me the surprise…" she put the dish towel down and leaned in to him as his other hand slid from her waist around the front of her. She rested a hand on top of his and reached up, curling an arm around the back of his neck.
"Well, now that we've said goodnight to the kids, Mom and Ez are reading them their respective stories and I thought that you and I… we could go out and have our own dessert."
"Good one, but we probably shouldn't leave the house— I know your Mom loves being here and Erika too but-"
"Sweetheart," Trevor implored her, his voice lowering as he made a line of soft kisses down to her shoulder, "I already spoke with Mom, I'm trying to be spontaneous. I'm just talking an hour or so, I thought it's such a nice, warm night, we could walk down to your frozen yoghurt spot and we could walk…"
He covered her skin again, his mouth slightly open, dragging his lip over her warm flesh until they met together; repeating the action a few more times. She weakened within his embrace and he could see the goosebumps appear over her collarbone. He chuckled his low, deep bass-y chuckle that reverberated against her ear causing her to shiver.
"Doesn't that sound like heaven?" he wondered, nipping at the shell of her ear.
"You are playing dirty, counsellor," she warned him, doing everything but letting out a soft moan from how he was making her body instantly respond.
"So is that a yes?"
"Yes…" she nodded, "only if you promise to give me more of this behaviour when we get home…"
He squeezed her, "You are going to get a lot more of this and maybe some extra…" he promised.
"Okay, hurry up, a good walk is a quick walk…"
Trevor let out a burst of laughter and kissed her again.
"Gross," Erika remarked from the landing of the stairs, "you guys are so gross, this is the kitchen, food is made here."
Trevor let go of Olivia, "You have no idea what else goes on in this kitchen," he shot back with an angelic smile. "Right Liv?" For a moment, he saw the look of horror spread across his little sister's face. He smiled with satisfaction, knowing that he had finally got to her, out-shocked her.
"Right, us cuddling is probably the absolute least of your worries about what we do in the kitchen."
"Ok, Olivia doesn't talk like that, so I know you're kidding around." Erika shot back, helping herself to a soda from the fridge. "Do you have anything stronger I can add to this?" she asked, holding up a can of lime Le Croix.
"Uhhh you're pregnant…" Olivia reminded her.
"Fuck!" she cursed, "this is the second time I've really craved a huge glass of vodka or … something," she sighed.
"Are you alright?" Trevor asked her.
"Yeah, I'm fine, just a rough day, hormones, whatever, I think I just need to relax and spend some time with Mom and my baby nephew."
"Well, we're heading out for awhile," Trevor informed her.
"We don't have to, if you want to talk," Olivia said softly, knowing Trevor would be disappointed, but she sensed Erika had a lot going on.
"No, I'm fine—" Erika smiled. "I'll drink the La Croix and pretend it has vodka and I'll cuddle with Teddy and feed him if he wakes up and Mom and I can watch a movie…"
Trevor was relieved.
"We won't be home super late, just text us when you're both going to bed," Olivia told her, giving her a hug. "I better go get changed, I can't go out looking like…" she looked down at her clothes, "like this…"
"You look beautiful exactly as you are, but yeah… get changed, put on something nice and cool because it's really humid."
/
"I dunno how you pull it off…" Trevor remarked as he took Olivia's hand, exiting the lobby of their apartment. He gave her the once over and smiled. She wore a dark grey t-shirt dress and a pair of white converse. She looked adorable, she'd tied her hair back completely off her face which she didn't do very often but he loved it.
"Pull what off?" she asked, blankly.
"Looking so effortlessly beautiful without even trying."
She laughed, "don't be silly Trev, I don't even have any make up on, this is not the cutest I've ever felt."
"Well," he replied, "I am telling you that you're wrong, this is absolutely one of the cutest looks you've ever had and I love it when you don't wear make up," he added, "and when you wear your hair off your face…"
She smiled so hard that the muscles in her cheeks ached slightly. She gave his hand a squeeze. "Thanks, Trev…" she murmured. "I guess it's nice to be going out on our own for a reason that doesn't revolve around the kids."
"Yeah," he smiled, "that's what I thought; that it would be nice to just hang out one-on-one and have an impromptu date."
"I love you for being so romantic…" she remarked as they walked along the block — the crowds had dispersed for the night given that it was around 8. "You were so good to me today, giving me time and space, I really appreciate that … so thank you."
"You're welcome," he said simply. He lifted her hand to kiss the back of it.
"Do you want to hear about my therapy session?" she wondered. She knew he wanted to talk about it but he was unsure of how to approach it; he was like that, not wanting to pry given that therapy was private, but he had been concerned by how quiet she'd been afterwards.
"Only if you want to share, baby," he replied, dropping her hand and putting an arm around her waist, drawing her closer.
"I do… I guess I just needed to collect myself a little because its tough going in to someone who is virtually a stranger and trying to be as honest as possible and unpack some of the things you're too scared to say out loud."
"It's brave, Liv," he told her, enjoying the warmth of her against him despite the sheen of sweat that had formed on both of their upper brows.
"I don't know if I'm entirely brave yet, but I guess time will tell… today we talked about my Mom and I didn't expect it to be as tough as it was, I am always so cut and dry about her, but I think it runs deeper, the way I grew up, the way people identified me, the way I characterised myself —" she shrugged and sighed, "I dunno, maybe that's had an effect on who I am, maybe," she added the last part sounding uncertain. "What do you think?"
Trevor thought about it, letting her words rest between them for a moment. "Baby, I think that's a fair assertion," he agreed, "you are a natural carer because you didn't have a choice to be anything but that for your Mom. You can be as cut and dry about it as you want, but it doesn't take away the fact that the little girl inside of you is still grieving for the childhood that got all but taken away."
"Ugh," she choked out a sardonic laugh. "Why am I paying someone? I should just come to you…"
Trevor laughed too; at the irony. "I think your Mom was the first point of reference you had for love, how to love, how to be loved, how to accept help, all of those things," he continued, "same as in my family; trauma sits with us and it dictates how we move forward; some of us learn to mimic the behaviours and some of us learn how to cope and stay calm and take ourselves elsewhere up here…" he tapped his brain, "in order to get through the hard days."
Olivia nodded in agreement. "I think for different reasons you and I have become nuturers and protectors and we want everyone around us to always be happy that we're willing to forgo our own happiness in exchange for that," he finished.
It occurred to her that maybe Trevor wasn't happiest when he was with his family or even at times with her, but that his default mode was to try to make everyone else happy before himself. "Are you happy right now? Like at home with us?"
"Yes," he replied unflinching and without hesitation. "I am really happy right now with you and at home with our family. I am not crazy about Eloise's new developed attitude but I am crossing the line between furious and amused."
Olivia laughed, "I can't deal with that kid, every time she comes out with something I have to hold it back because I want to laugh so hard."
"I know," he chuckled, "I can see it in your face and then it makes it hard for me to hold it together…" they shared a laugh.
"I had a nice talk with your Mom earlier, I really do love her and feel such a soft spot for her despite everything that you and Erika have told me separately," she remarked.
"My Mom has changed dramatically, truthfully, since her birthday she's been almost a different person," he paused, "not different just… she's more herself; more the person I remember growing up, warm and kind and not so angry."
"I think your Mom held a lot of guilt and was constantly feeling as though she didn't deserve you both so she purposely kept you both at a distance…" she tried to explain, "I get it to a degree, maybe her way of dealing was less kind than mine, but I understand not feeling worthy enough to the point of always pushing back."
"Yeah, I get how she feels. I understand and I don't blame her. I told her tonight that nobody holds her to blame for my fathers actions… she did what she thought was the best for us at the time even if it was very clearly wrong; but she didn't want to struggle as a single mother, my dad would have surely been vindictive and kept money from her and made things extra hard and really… she loved him, I get it. I don't blame her," he shrugged.
Olivia rested her hand on his stomach with affection. "You're a good, kind man Trevor Langan and I am so lucky to have you…"
They continued to walk until they reached their destination. "Do you want to sit in or keep walking for awhile?" he asked her.
She smiled at him as they picked up their respective cups to fill and serve their own frozen yoghurt from the machines. "Let's sit for a little and then we can keep walking," she suggested.
"What flavour are you gonna have?" Trevor asked her with a smile. He already knew, she loved hazelnut flavour and she loved to get chocolate sprinkles over it and a little scoop of gummy bears that she ate separately at the end.
She cocked her head at him and smiled. She knew he was teasing; that he already knew. He kissed her as they walked over to the yoghurt machine where the hazelnut was situated. "What are you having?" she asked, nudging him in the arm as they waited for someone in front of them to finish up with he machine.
Trevor looked around thoughtfully. He liked to try something new each time. "Maybe I'll try mango today, I might get some passionfruit syrup over it," he shrugged.
Olivia smiled, finally enjoying herself and relaxing with the man that she was so anxious to marry.
They both got their yoghurt and Trevor paid. They found a space to sit in a little corner booth; Olivia enjoyed sitting close to him; so close that she could smell his cologne.
"You should wear your hair more like this…" he remarked, bringing his hand up to smooth the hair that was entirely pushed back from her face and tied up at the back of her head in a fairly high pony-tail. Her hair had grown a lot since they'd been together.
"Yeah?" she challenged him, "you like seeing my giant face?"
He chuckled and spooned some frozen yoghurt in to his mouth. "Don't say that, you look beautiful and I love it and I love you."
She leaned in and pressed her lips against his. She could taste the mango flavour. Her lips turned in to a smile. "I love you," she replied.
She started on her own yoghurt and closed her eyes with contentment and delight for the special treat that she certainly hadn't been banking on earlier.
"So what else?" Trevor asked casually, "besides your Mom, what else did you talk about in therapy?"
She thought for a moment as she scooped more in to her mouth. "A lot of it was Mom-focused… we talked about her for a long time and then we talked about how I was brought in to the world and a couple of shitty things my Mom said to me when I was a kid and how that might have really obscured how I feel about accepting unconditional love."
Trevor nodded. "Do you feel better for it or worse or… neither?" he wondered.
Olivia considered his question before shrugging. "I don't know yet," she gave him a weak smile, "it's too early to tell."
"You know, if you don't want to talk about therapy with me, I totally get that because I know it can be private — but if you ever come out of there just feeling like a bit of a mess and want me to comfort you without the questions, I'm happy for that too."
"Thank you, my heart, I appreciate that. She actually told me that my project this week was accepting help and instead of saying no to everyone trying to do something for me, to say yes and thank you instead."
Trevor chuckled. "Well, you kind of did that today— it took a few gos though, didn't it?"
"Saying no to help is my default," she shrugged, "but I'm trying and I'll keep trying."
"Good, that's the best we can all do." He continued to eat some of his frozen yoghurt.
"So, Noah told me something today and it reignited my fury and upset all over again with this whole bullying situation."
"What did he tell you?" Olivia asked, feeling like she was going to be upset.
"He was so good," Trevor smiled, proud of their little boy, "he tried so hard not to interrupt me and was so quiet during my work calls, but I told him that if he needed help or needed anything he could ask, that it was fine."
"Uhuh?"
He looked down in to his quickly disappearing yoghurt cup, "I asked him if he was ready to start his new school after summer and he said he was a little scared that the kids won't like him."
"Ugh," Olivia sighed, "I hate that they've built up that fear in him."
"Me too," Trevor murmured, "so we were just having a Dude chat and then I asked him if he wanted to go to a baseball game with me next weekend and he nodded but he wasn't excited, so I asked him what was wrong and he told me that he knew where his cap was now."
Olivia rose her eyebrow. Last time Trevor took Noah to a Yankees game they looked high and low for the cap that he'd bought the very first time they went. It had been Trevor's gift to Noah the day that they solidified their father-son relationship.
Olivia remembered Noah being deeply upset that he couldn't find it— they'd tore his room apart and eventually Trevor had given him his own cap to wear.
"Where is it?"
"He wore it to school for team sports day, remember? The kids dressed in their favourite sports team?"
"Yeah…"
"They took it away like they did with the book and destroyed it and Noah said he was really scared that I'd be mad so he put it in the trash because it was completely destroyed."
"Are you fucking serious?" Olivia hissed. "That poor kid," she shook her head, "no wonder he's fucking scared about school."
"Yeah... I decided I am going to call and speak to the principal of his new school and see if I can organise a soft start, see if before summer, we can take him in to do a half-day with one of us with him so we can make him feel more comfortable and watch him make some friends and enjoy his day."
"Oh," Olivia smiled, "that's a good idea, why didn't I think of that?"
Trevor shrugged, "Why should we have expected we might have to do something like that? That our own son is so fucking terrified of school that we would have to turn up and do a supervised learning day."
Olivia shook her head with annoyance. "Are you taking him to the game on the weekend?" she asked, the first she was hearing of it.
"Yeah if that's okay, unless you need help. Sonny's Dad got some tickets from a friend but can't go, so I thought Sonny and I would take Noah since he can't play T-Ball…"
She smiled, "you don't need my permission, sweetheart," she replied, placing her hand on his bicep affectionately.
"I know, but it's nice to check in, you might have wanted to do something with a friend or with Erika or … whatever, so I didn't want to assume."
Olivia grinned, "maybe Erika and I can do something on the Saturday," she suggested.
"Don't plan anything for Saturday," he said as if he were suddenly panicked. "I have something planned for you on Saturday." he didn't want to admit it, but he would have had to cancel and he didn't want to do that.
"Ooooh, what is it?" she wondered, a little bit of a thrill washing over her. She loved it when he surprised her because his surprises were always thoughtful and sweet and at times, overwhelming.
He laughed, "if I tell you, it won't be a surprise," he shrugged.
"Okay," she gave him her best closed lip-smile, accepting his answer. She scraped the bottom of her yoghurt and finished it off. She sat back, contented. "I could eat forty cups of that."
"Have another," Trevor nodded over to the machine. "If you want it, Liv, have it, I'm not judging you."
"No, I already feel like I need to come back from this baby weight."
"Olivia," Trevor steadied his hand upon her upper arm, "Stop it, I think you're beautiful, I think you're so perfect and you have lost so much baby weight already but even if you didn't, it's not a problem. Its frozen yoghurt, just get some more…"
She gave him a small smile and leaned in to kiss his lips. "Are you gonna have some more?" she asked.
Trevor was satisfied with what he'd had but he knew she wouldn't get more for herself if he tapped out. "Sure," he smiled re-assuringly, getting up from the booth and waited for her to get out after him.
Trevor laughed when he saw all the added extras in her cup. "Wow…." he remarked, "I have four children, don't I?" he joked. There were marshmallows, gummy bears, gummy worms, caramel and chocolate topping, sprinkles and little chocolate honeycomb balls.
Olivia began to laugh too. "Maybe a little…" she replied as they went to pay. She had all but accepted that he loved to pay for things, to treat her on a date. She was used to always pulling her purse out but he didn't even like her to bring it with her if it wasn't necessary.
"Let's walk and talk…" she suggested after they paid.
Trevor followed her out of the Frozen Yoghurt store. He couldn't help but to stare at her shapely legs all the way down to her casual but favourite Converse, wondering how it was that her legs looked so long and so tanned. The t-shirt dress fell so wonderfully over her curves too, he let his eyes linger over her backside and maybe it was a little of the pregnancy weight that had filled her out a little more in the most perfect of places, but either way, there was something so beautiful about her Mom glow that he felt like he either hadn't noticed, or had developed since Teddy was born.
She glanced at him over her shoulder and couldn't help but to smirk at his staring.
He caught up to her and smiled, watching her lips close over the small spoon in her mouth; her lips making a slight sucking noise that instantly made him feel a little weak. He had to look away, it was making him feel things he shouldn't have felt in public.
"What?" she asked, noticing him staring straight ahead. "What did I do?" she asked.
He turned back to her; the spoon was still in her mouth, resting on her cold, pink tongue in question.
"Nothing," he shook his head, "it's just… I'm having impure thoughts with your mouth around your spoon like that, I'm sorry."
Olivia laughed out loud. "Wow, we're both so sex starved…" she said quietly. "Surely after all this time we can have some alone time if the kids are asleep and settled when we get back?"
"Uhuh," he nodded, "I'm counting on it… I really…" he paused, "never mind," he added, "I'll save that talk for later."
She gave him a long stare, hiding a teasing smile that he found to be incredibly sexy.
"Stopppp it," he mocked desperation. Olivia continued to give him those eyes; the ones that he could barely look away from; the ones that made him just want to grab her and push her against a hard surface and kiss her hard.
She let out a soft laugh before finally turning to look ahead.
He laughed too. "Doesn't matter how much time passes, Benson, you know you've got me wrapped right around your little finger, right?"
She'd finished almost finished the smaller scoop of frozen yoghurt and was scraping around her candy in the bottom of the cup. She chuckled. "I have a bit of an idea."
"Well you do," he confirmed it, "and I love the shit out of how cute this looks…" he set his spoon in his cup of the Yoghurt he didn't really want and tugged at her grey dress. "I've never seen this before, you look good in it."
She looked up at him and gave him a little smile. "Thanks for saying that, you look good too, we should make more of an effort to do this, this is nice, you always look really hot to me, but I like when we go to effort and don't have clothes full of stains and stale smells all over us."
He chuckled. "Baby, I wanted to ask you something…"
"Yeah?" she wasn't sure what to expect, but she was curious. It didn't seem too serious, he didn't have his serious expression on. "What is it? Should I be worried?"
"No," he smiled. He tossed his empty Frozen Yoghurt cup in the trash and waited for her to finish eating her candy before she paused to do the same. He took her cold hand in his. She went to walk ahead, but he grabbed her hand and pulled her back. He took a few steps away from the bin and to the side of the path so as not to stand in anyone's way.
"What?" she asked with a smile.
He kissed her cold, sweet lips, slipping his arms around her, drawing her close. He towered over her, looking down in to her beautiful face, letting his eyes sweep over the smattering of freckles over her cheeks and nose that he could only ever recognise when he was close to her. "I love you so much," he murmured.
"I love you so much," she repeated, looking in to his pale-green eyes with a closed-mouthed smile that threatened to break in to a big grin with the overwhelming feelings that he gave her when he looked at her with his criminally attractive chiseled face.
"You are my person," he added. "And I know I've asked you to marry me, but what I'm really wondering is if you'll marry me next month?"
"What!" she exclaimed, grinning; feeling the exuberance hitting her hard. Trevor laughed at her reaction. He grinned right back at her, "really? that soon?" she asked.
"Too soon?" he wondered, but he knew from her response that she didn't care about timing.
"No! I would marry you tomorrow if I could," she replied. She reached up, taking his upper arms in both of her hands and giving him a squeeze before becoming overwhelmed by the idea. She shook him by the shoulders causing him to laughter.
"So, that's a yes! You still wanna go to Hawaii? I need to know the specifics and you need to get yourself a really nice dress and something for the kids and I'll set it up with Sonny and Ez."
"And your Mom too," she added quickly, "your Mom has to be there."
He nodded, "And Mom too."
"Wait, Sonny might not be able to get the time off," she said quickly.
"Leave that stuff to me, you just worry making sure you have a dress and that you know what you want me to wear and the kids and I will take care of the date, the time, the tickets and everything else."
He grabbed her hands at his shoulders and took them in his. He examined them for a second before looking in to her eyes. "I'm really excited to be your husband, Olivia."
"Me too, I am so excited to be able to say that I have a husband, even saying I'm engaged seems … crazy."
He let his thumb slide over her engagement ring and then the placeholder he'd bought on her right hand. "I've really locked you in, haven't I?" he joked, "engagement diamond on one hand and your Cartier ring on the other…"
Olivia chuckled and felt him threading his fingers between hers. "I don't feel locked in, I feel freer and more relaxed about life than I've ever felt, Trev, despite all my other weird feelings about life in general."
"That's okay," he said quietly, "we all go through it," he replied. He let go of her hands and wrapped himself around her again. "Wanna head home?" he asked.
She looked up in to his beautiful face, "yes, but… kiss me first…" she smiled.
He obliged her, bowing his head lower to meet her mouth. He felt her hands at his hips almost on his backside, pulling him against her. He opened his mouth, her tongue welcomed by his own. He'd missed her — he missed the thrill of their kisses being boundless. He missed being able to make love to her without someone crying every five seconds.
Ideally, they could have a night alone, but he knew that as much as he wanted, she wanted more. She made absolutely no secret of her need for him; of her insatiable urges that since Noah had broken his arm had been continually interrupted by Teddy or Eloise or something untimely that couldn't be put off.
She moaned in to his mouth as her warm body pressed in to his.
"Yo! Get a room!" someone yelled loudly at them followed by peels of laughter.
Trevor immediately pulled away and looked up a little sheepishly to find a group of youths looking back over their shoulder, laughing at the older couple making out shamelessly in the middle of the street.
"We gotta stop meeting up like this…" a voice said from behind him and he felt Olivia tense a little.
"Hi Elliot," she replied in monotone.
"Hi," he smiled. Trevor turned around too, feeling his stomach clench.
Elliot was in a pair of jeans and a casual t-shirt. It was surprising to Trevor that he wasn't working— unless he was undercover.
"Hi Elliot," Trevor greeted him politely. He watched Elliot discretely look Olivia over.
"What is this? Date night?" he asked in what seemed to be a genuine, polite tone.
"Impromptu date as good as we can get with three kids," Trevor replied. He pulled Olivia close and felt her putting and arm around his waist. She just smiled and let Trevor do the talking. She wanted to go home and take him to bed.
Elliot laughed - not in a mean way, but in a way that was genuinely light and happy for them. Olivia had her reservations but she was trying so hard not to let her ex-partner get to her anymore. She had everything she wanted and needed and Elliot no longer had power over her.
"Are you working right now?" she asked him.
Elliot glanced at Olivia and couldn't help but notice how at peace she was. He watched Trevor drape his arm across her shoulder - it didn't seem like it was to prove a point or to let him know who she belonged to, they both just seemed content and in particularly happy moods.
"No, I've just actually been to dinner with the kids and the grand babies," Elliot smiled. Olivia noticed the tenseness that had always taken up stage on his face wasn't there. "I'm just headed back home. I even managed to get Eli to come along and he decided to stay the night with his sister and her husband playing xbox or whatever it is they do now."
They laughed. "How's domestic life?" he asked, directing his question at Olivia.
"Good, really good," she replied, "it's nice to have time to just be a Mom and do Mom stuff that I haven't always had time for, so it's a bit new, but I do miss work."
"Typical Olivia," he nodded in understanding, "but enjoy your babies, work will never go away, your children will grow up right before your eyes and trust me, sometimes its not as cute anymore."
They all shared a laugh. Finally sensing some awkwardness, Elliot decided it was time to continue on, "well, guys, have fun on your date," he paused, catching his eye on Olivia's engagement ring as she let go of Trevor to slip his hand in his. "Whoa, that's your ring?" He looked up and rose an eyebrow at Trevor, "wow…"
Olivia blushed and stared down at the giant diamond on her finger that she thought she would find too gaudy or not her. But, with the ring on her finger she felt like it was perfect and beautiful and such an amazing gesture. "Yeah…" she murmured a little sentimentally.
"Have you got the date set or anything?" he wondered curiously.
"We were just discussing it, probably about a month away," Trevor answered as Olivia dropped her hand back down between herself and her tall fiancé. She knew there was an air of him that was happy to boast that he was marrying her and rather than being annoyed by it, she was kind of happy too. She didn't want Elliot to feels ad or jealous, but she wanted him to know that there was absolutely no chance for them and that maybe with time, if he could accept that, then they could perhaps heal as friends.
"That's very soon, are you gonna do the whole white wedding thing?" he wondered with a little smile, thinking back to the Olivia that he once knew that would have hated all of that.
"Ha!" Olivia rolled her eyes, "that's not for me and I think we all know that, we're just doing something with family," she replied simply, "and that's all we need."
"Well," Elliot nodded in recognition, "happiness looks good on you, Olivia," he told her sincerely and then he glanced at Trevor, "and you too, counsellor."
"Thanks, Elliot, that's very kind of you."
Trevor nodded in reply with a small smile.
"Have a good night guys," he waved and continued on his way. Olivia stood for a moment a little stunned. She looked over her shoulder to make sure he had passed.
"What the fuck was that?" she hissed at Trevor, "did I just witness Elliot not being a dick to either of us for the first time in awhile?"
Trevor laughed, "Don't be so hard on him, he's trying, even I can see that." They started to head back to their apartment.
"Have a good night…" she mimicked Elliot, not in a nasty way, just a little disbelieving of his calmness. "Yeah, I'm gonna have a good night…" she muttered, "getting my fucking hot-ass husband-to-be home and in to the bedroom to have my way with him."
Trevor laughed out loud this time. "Liv!" he exclaimed. "Don't be so mean," he chuckled.
"I don't mean to be mean, I just feel irritated with myself that I spent so much of my time mooning over him when I could have been mooning over you," she was able to laugh in spite of himself.
"Yeah, but … I was married too remember?" he reminded her.
"Mm the good ones usually are. But honestly, I don't think I realised what unconditional love is supposed to feel like until I met you and I think I've let go of some of my hurt with Elliot. I think a lot of things I hurt over before we got together are a little lighter now." she admitted.
"It's because when you're truly as one together with someone, you share the load of things, you feel lighter because I'm happy to shoulder some of those things with you, baby," he explained, "I don't honestly know how I could have dealt with Helena's death if you weren't around; I don't think I would have dealt. I would have been a mess, but you helped me navigate it and we're still navigating it…"
She nodded agreeing with him.
"I am just so grateful for what we have. Even if in the middle of the night I get woken up by Teddy's screaming, I still know I'm very fortunate and those tiny little moments when he settles and you get up to get me a bottle or the pump or just to sit with me…" her voice trailed off, "it's heaven to me."
Trevor lifted her hand and kissed it. "You're my soulmate and I never really believed in that kind of thing before until you came along… but everything is great. You're the perfect Mom, you're so good at everything you do, you are affectionate and funny and your compassion is your greatest strength — you're beautiful too, we have, and I hope you'll agree, the best sex and I just wake up every day feeling every bit as madly in love as I was the day before."
"Yeahhhh…" her voice trailed off with a contented sigh, "I think we better test to make sure our sex life is still adequate."
Trevor laughed, "Olivia Benson, you better stop, you really don't know what you're getting in to."
"I think I do…" she teased, nudging him.
"I guess we'll have to wait and see!" he shot back with a little smirk, pulling her close as they drew closer to their apartment, both of them picking up pace and walking with intention.