"Hi, I'm Killian, and I'm an alcoholic."

The answering chorus of "Hi, Killian" was expected and soothing - which had been completely unexpected when he'd first attended a meeting all those years ago.

"It's been a little over four years since I had my last drink," he began, "and this week, I've never wanted one more than I do right now." The room remained blessedly silent as he sat and considered his words for a moment. "I, uh… I let someone down," he explained vaguely, because Killian knew he needed to get this off his chest if he had any hope of beating back his demons once again. However, he also knew that he couldn't be too specific about what those demons were, given his line of work.

"I promised someone I'd be there for her. That she could trust me. But I let things go too far, and now… now I don't think I can ever be there for her again. Not in the way she wants or needs me to be right now. Hell, I don't even know if I'm ever gonna be able to be there for anyone in the future after this. I'll be lucky to spend the rest of my life sitting behind a desk. I just… I know she's struggling. I know because I see it. I see it in a way that people who aren't sitting in this room right now could never have a hope of understanding. She needs someone – someone she trusts. Someone strong enough to take that bottle away from her when she reaches for it, and I don't think she has anyone else in her life she can turn to for that. I want to be that person for her. I really do. But I worry that if I put myself back into her life, I'm just going to make things worse in the long run."

Killian reached up to grab at his hair, tugging on it painfully as his eyes swept the faces of the people in the room. He recognized every single one of them. He'd seen them all at various meetings over the years. He could even vaguely remember their own stories – but not their names. Never their names.

"I, uh… I don't know what to do right now. I don't know if I should help her now – if I should stop her from drifting down this dangerous path before it becomes too late and she ends up doing something stupid – something that will ruin her life the way we all ruined ours before finally getting the help we needed – or if I should stay away until this is all over. The last thing I want to do is risk everything we've worked so damned hard for over the last couple of months, but if she loses herself, it's all gone anyway. I don't know what to do, and the indecision is eating me alive. The only way I know to quiet those voices in my head is with a drink, but if I give in to that urge, I'm not going to be able to help anyone any time soon. I just… I just wish I could help her. I wish that someone would help her."

Killian finished speaking and fell silent for a moment as he allowed his wish to hang in the air, hoping that somehow, the universe would hear it and find a way to grant it. When that annoying voice of reason kicked in to tell him how stupid he was being, he mumbled a soft, "Thanks for listening," at his feet, and then sank back churlishly into his chair.

"Is there nobody else you can ask to look out for her?" a timid voice offered, and Killian raised his head to meet a middle-aged woman's eyes. He thought her name might be Carol… or maybe it was Karen.

"I've tried, but you and I both know that people who have never been through this struggle before have no idea what she will be going through right now."

Carol or Karen nodded her head sadly, and Killian sent her a small smile of thanks. While he didn't feel any better about the situation he'd found himself in, he did feel a little better knowing that others in the world understood how he was feeling right now. It was one of the biggest blessings of attending a meeting, and Killian had never valued it as much as he did that evening.

The rest of the meeting felt like a blur. Killian listened to the stories being told. He hummed and awwed in all of the right places, but he knew he'd never be able to recall a word of what had been said the moment he left the building. His mind was still stuck on Emma and the thirteen missed calls he'd received from her the day after he'd been suspended. Ignoring each and every one of those calls had felt like taking a knife to his gut, but the silence that came in the days that followed was somehow worse. Emma had clearly given up on him, and he hated the idea that she could be sitting alone in some strange place, believing that there was nobody in the world who truly cared for her.

"Do you wanna get out of here and get some decent coffee?" a familiar voice asked, startling Killian's attention away from the stale doughnuts he'd apparently been staring at, and over to the friendly face he'd so desperately needed to see after baring his soul.

"Please."

The other man nodded his head firmly and stepped aside to allow Killian to lead the way out of the hall, and through to the parking lot at the back of the building.

Killian had known Will Scarlet for a little over four years. When he'd been at his lowest point, it had been Will who stepped up to drag him out of the gutter and help him get his life back on track. Ever since, Will had been the person Killian turned to whenever he needed advice because, while Will had no idea what it was like to work for the FBI, he knew better than anyone just how damaging an alcohol addiction could be.

"So, do you wanna tell me what's really going on?" Will asked, once they were seated in a private booth at a local coffee shop, each nursing a mug of the strong, bitter brew.

"I fucked up," Killian sighed, "I mean, like – epic fuck up here. Not just the usual kind."

"So I assumed," his friend chuckled. "Do you wanna give me any more information, or is that all you can say?"

Killian considered the request for a moment before he finally said, "I slept with a key witness in a murder investigation."

The way Will's eyes widened would have been comical in any other situation. In this one, Killian couldn't seem to find his sense of humor.

"Oh," his friend finally squeaked out, before downing a mouthful of scalding hot coffee to cover his surprise. "That, uh – that was not what I was expecting," he finally said.

"Yeah." Killian rolled his mug between his hands before he finally said, "I knew it was wrong. I just – there's something about her, Will. I can't get her out of my damned head. She's beautiful and fragile and yet, so strong. I hate that she's going through all of this, but more than that, I hate that I had to let her down; that I had to step away to keep her safe."

"And are you sure you're actually keeping her safe?" Will asked. When Killian raised his head to offer his friend an incredulous look, Will added, "I'm just saying – a lot of people think that stepping away is the best way to keep someone safe. That's not always true, Killian. You and I know better than anyone just how isolating this disease can be. Are you sure walking away right now is really the best thing for her?"

"This time, it is," Killian declared firmly. "She's not just a key witness, Will, she's… she's also a victim too. We've been putting together this huge case against this guy, and if his defense attorney ever finds out that we slept together, the guy targeting her could walk free. He could literally get away with murder because I couldn't find the resolve to say no to her advances. I can't be the person who brings down this case. I can't be the person who puts her at risk again. I just can't."

Killian could see the wheels turning in Will's mind as he considered his friend's statements. He could see the questions forming and then drifting away as Will reminded himself that Killian worked for the FBI and couldn't reveal much more about his job without risking even more fallout with his superiors. Finally, he seemed to settle on what he wanted to say, and as usual, it wasn't at all what Killian had been expecting.

"I get that you're in a difficult position," Will began carefully, "I really do. But Killian – your sacrifice isn't going to be worth jack shit if this person ends up hurting herself in your absence. Think about that. Sometimes, doing what seems like the right thing isn't right for the person or the moment. Sometimes, doing the right thing means doing the wrong thing at the right time."

Killian sat in silence for a long moment, turning Will's words over and over in his mind.

Sometimes, doing what seems like the right thing isn't right for the person or the moment. Sometimes, doing the right thing means doing the wrong thing at the right time.

In the days that followed his suspension, Killian did his best to keep his mind off work and on literally anything else. For the first time since he'd moved in, he spent time not only deep cleaning his apartment, but painting it too. While he wasn't exactly a professional on that front, he was pretty happy with the final result. At least there were no longer grubby fingerprints on the walls and around light switches. Unfortunately, with so much free time on his hands, Killian found himself with a clean and tidy apartment by the end of the second week of his suspension – and with absolutely nothing else left to do.

After what could arguably be described as the most boring weekend of his life, Killian decided to head to the one place where he knew he'd find another distraction on Monday morning. Steeling himself for the third degree he knew his appearance would bring, he raised a fist to bang gently on the battered front door of his brother's apartment.

"Hey, man, shouldn't you be at work?" Liam asked as he pulled the door open.

"I'm, uh… I'm taking some time off," Killian replied dismissively, and Liam stepped back to allow him into his home.

The moment the front door was shut behind himself, Killian cast a look around the small apartment. His brother wasn't as neat and tidy as he was. Liam never had been, and that had only gotten worse when Ellie came into his life. While the space wasn't exactly dirty, Killian knew he could kill a few hours sorting out the apartment for Liam - if he could talk his brother into letting him stay.

"Where, uh… where's Ellie?" he eventually asked, taking a seat in the kitchen as his brother made his way over to the coffee machine to pour them both a mug.

"School," Liam chuckled. "It's ten am on Monday morning. Where did you think she would be?"

"Of course she is," Killian sighed, because he really should have known that.

"I can see why you don't take much time off if this is how it leaves ya," Liam teased, setting a steaming mug of black coffee in front of his brother.

"Yeah. It's, uh… it's a little odd."

For a long moment, the two brothers sat in silence, just sipping from their drinks. Killian could feel the weight of Liam's gaze on his shoulders, but he didn't want to lift his head and give his brother the chance to ask the questions he knew were on the tip of his tongue.

Eventually, Liam either grew bored of the silence or tired of his brother ignoring him, as he said, "Is there something on your mind, Killian?"

"I was, uh… I was just wondering if you needed any help this week," Killian lied. "I mean, I might as well put this time off to some good use, right?"

Liam offered his brother a half-shrug of agreement, but instead of answering, he simply changed the subject. "Did you catch that guy you were after?"

"Huh?"

"The case you had? The bad one. Did you catch the guy?"

"No. No, uh… not yet."

"Then why are you here?" Liam pressed.

Killian sighed to himself as he dropped his gaze down to the mug of half-finished coffee cradled between his hands. He should have known better than to visit his brother. Liam might be the complete opposite of him in almost every way, but he also knew Killian better than anyone else in his life.

"I just had to step away," he explained vaguely.

"Are you drinking again?"

"What? No!" Killian barked out. "How – How could you even think that?"

Liam offered him another half-shrug as he said, "You're hiding something from me, Killian. The last time you did that, you were drunk off your face every night of the week. What else am I supposed to think?"

"I've been sober for years," Killian shot back. "Four years, to be exact. So how about giving me the benefit of the doubt, huh? Geeze, I thought you knew me better than that."

A painfully awkward silence hung between the two brothers for a moment before Liam nodded his head and said, "You're right. I'm sorry. You didn't deserve that."

"Thank you."

"But you can talk to me, Kill. I'm here for you whenever you need it," Liam pressed. "I don't wanna see you go back down that path, so whatever it is, whatever's on your mind, you can tell me about it. I promise I won't judge."

Killian flicked a bemused glance up to his brother's face, and Liam barked out an embarrassed laugh.

"Okay, I won't judge much," he amended. "It's human nature and kind of a big brother's prerogative. I can't really control that."

Killian offered his brother a half-smile before downing the last of his now-cold coffee. "I appreciate that, but it's, uh – it's not really something I can talk about right now."

Liam didn't look too happy about his brother's deflection, but he did let the matter go, so Killian took that as a small win.

"Do you, uh – do you guys need anything done around the place today?" he asked, casting another look around the small apartment. It wasn't anything special – Liam could barely afford it as it was – but it definitely felt more homey than Killian's place ever had. "I figured now I finally have some free time, I might as well put it to some good use."

"Do you really want an answer to that question?" Liam snorted out.

"I need something to keep me busy," was all Killian said, but it was enough.

Before Liam left for work that morning, he handed his younger brother a list of tasks that he'd been meaning to do for the past couple of years – and after making himself another mug of coffee, Killian got started with the first item on the list.

Wednesday afternoon found Killian pulling all of the furniture from Ellie's room in order to paint the walls. His niece had never really had the chance to decorate her room before, which was probably why the walls had been plastered with posters of all her favorite musicians and actors. With plenty of spare time to kill, Killian had picked up a couple of pots of paint in the color she had chosen and driven straight to the apartment that morning to get started.

He was halfway through the second coat when his cellphone began to ring. Killian flicked a quick look over to it and froze when he saw the name lighting up his screen.

David Nolan.

David had called a couple of times during the first week of Killian's suspension, and Killian had declined every one of those calls. He knew his partner had questions, and he also knew David was intelligent enough to have come up with his own answers, but Killian couldn't face telling his partner the truth. So instead, he'd sent David a short message explaining that he needed some time away from the job and asking for some space. David had reluctantly given that to him, so seeing his partner's name on his screen gave Killian a moment's pause. By the time he'd decided to just ignore the call, the ringing suddenly stopped, and his phone fell silent and dark once more.

Less than an hour later, David called again. This time, Killian was in the middle of repainting a bookshelf and wasn't able to reach his phone before it stopped – but he wasn't terribly cut up about that.

When his stomach began rumbling a little after midday, Killian decided to take a break and make himself a sandwich. After seating himself comfortably on the small sofa in his brother's living room and tearing off his first bite, he pulled his phone from his pocket, intending to message Liam. He'd already finished the paint job for Ellie's room, so while he was waiting for everything to dry, he might as well prepare dinner for the three of them.

The six missed calls and four text messages from David drove all thoughts of food from Killian's mind.

His stomach wobbled a little as he dismissed each of the call notifications and then opened up his messages. Every one was brief in its content, and each one caused Killian's heart to skip a beat.

Call me. It's important.

I need your help, Killian.

Emma Swan returned to her home.

She's spiraling, Killian, and I don't know what to do!

Isaacs's words from the last time he'd been in the office echoed through Killian's mind, reminding him of the consequences should he choose to return David's calls. He wasn't supposed to be anywhere near this case. He wasn't supposed to know where Emma was, let alone how she was coping!

Killian's hand shook a little as he exited the app and opened up his contact list. Emma's name sat just below David's, and Killian's hand froze in place as he tried to weigh the pros and cons of placing a call to either of the numbers listed there. Unfortunately, all rational thought seemed to have fled his mind.

Screwing his eyes shut, Killian dropped his phone to the coffee table and his head into his hands. He didn't want to risk any further damage to his career. As tough as it was, he loved his job. He loved knowing that what he did helped to keep others safe at night. Taking dangerous criminals off the street was the ultimate form of job satisfaction, as far as he was concerned. And yet suddenly, none of that seemed as important as offering Emma some peace of mind during what was likely to be the worst time of her life. Surely Isaacs couldn't fire him for keeping their star witness out of rehab – or alive!

Shaking off those troubling thoughts, Killian picked up his phone once more and scrolled to David's number before hitting call.

It only took his partner two rings to answer his phone – but each one of them felt like an eternity to Killian.

"Thank God you called back," David said, in lieu of a greeting, and Killian thought he could hear the sound of a door closing over the line. "I need your help."

Killian opened his mouth to protest but before he could utter a single word, David cut him off.

"I don't know what happened between you and Emma Swan, and I don't wanna know. What I do know is that she doesn't trust me, Killian. She doesn't trust anyone in her life right now, and she is spiraling out of control. If she doesn't get some help soon, she's going to end up doing something stupid like vlogging about what's happening to her right now - and we've come too damned far in this case to see it collapse underneath us all. I need you to talk to her, Killian. I need you to calm her down. Talk her off that ledge because God knows you understand it far better than I do. I can't risk being the one that accidentally pushes her over it. I can't risk letting this guy walk free."

Killian sighed heavily as he allowed David's words to truly sink in. This was what he'd been worried about. Trust was hard to come by when you were struggling to stay sober. It would be virtually impossible to find when you were being stalked by some murderous super-fan.

"I don't know how much help I would be," he finally said, giving voice to the thoughts that were loudest in his mind. "I hurt her, David. I betrayed her trust. I don't think she'll ever want to see me again."

"You got through to her before, Killian. She connected with you in a way she never connected with any of the rest of us. If anyone has a chance of getting through to her now, it's you. Look, I know you've been taken off this case. I can guess why, and I'm not gonna start judging anyone for anything right now because we really don't have time for that shit. But I promise, Killian, if you do this for me, I'll make sure Isaacs never finds out you were there."

Killian considered his options for a long moment before finally nodding his head slowly. "Okay. I'll do it," he agreed. "I'll um… I need to get cleaned up here, and then I'll head over to her place."

"I'll take care of the rest," David promised.

Killian wasn't entirely sure if his partner said anything else after that. He disconnected the line in some sort of daze and then set about mechanically putting everything back into Ellie's room in all the places they occupied before. When he was finished, he scribbled down a quick note to his brother before locking the apartment and heading back to his own to take a shower.

Everything that happened in the time between Killian ending his call to David and finally pulling his car to a stop in front of Emma's home was a complete blur. He hoped he hadn't broken any laws along the way because there was no chance the news wouldn't get back to Isaacs, and his supervisor wouldn't take long to put two and two together to come up with four.

"Might as well make your firing worthwhile," he muttered to himself, as he stepped out of the car and gently closed the door behind himself.

Every step he took towards Emma's front door felt like he was taking a step closer to his own downfall, and yet, Killian knew he wouldn't be able to stop himself now – not even if he tried.

Sometimes, doing the right thing means doing the wrong thing at the right time.

Killian hesitated briefly when he reached the top step, wondering if Emma would even be in, and if she were, would she bother answering her door. If he still carried his badge and gun, he would have just let himself in. But that didn't feel right, especially after the way he'd left things between the two of them. Taking a deep breath, Killian reached out to press the doorbell and then waited patiently.

He forced himself to count silently to thirty before he lifted his hand to bang his fist down on the wooden door.

"Emma?" he called out. "Emma, it's me. Open the door."

A small electrical crackling noise sounded from somewhere to his left before an even smaller voice said, "Go away."

"Not until you open the door," Killian argued.

"I don't want to talk to you!" she snapped back, her voice a little stronger and surer this time.

"Then don't. Don't talk! Just let me in and listen to what I have to say," Killian implored.

He gave her a few long seconds to respond before he added, "I'll sit here all night if I have to, Emma. I'm not going anywhere until you hear what I have to say – and I'm not saying it through a fucking intercom."

There was another long moment of silence, during which Killian thought he might actually have to follow through with his threats to camp out on Emma's front porch, before the faint sound of the door unlocking met his ears. He waited to see if she would open the door and when it became apparent that she wouldn't, Killian took a moment just to steady his nerves before reaching for the handle himself.

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