Chapter Five: How to Move On
Waking early, I shifted only to be met with immense pain. My whole body felt like it was pulsating with pain. Swearing to myself, I relaxed against the pillows, wanting to get up but couldn't seem to find the energy. The second my eyes opened, all I could think of was Ben and Hannah and Mozzie. Even though Ben was at the forefront of my mind. The way his hair curled when it was wet. The feeling of his touch. The warmth of him next to me.
Shutting my eyes, tears ran from the corners of them, taking a deep breath as I attempted not to breakdown. Then I swore I heard his voice, smelling his cologne at the exact same moment. Shooting up, not only did pain flood every cell of my body, but I was forced to once again embrace my reality.
Ben was dead.
He was never coming back and it was my fault. I shouldn't have left them alone. I should have stayed there and protected them. I could have done something to save them. Falling backward, I screamed as loud and as long as I could before I rolled onto my side, curling up into a ball and sobbed as my grief crashed down on top of me.
When the tears finally stopped, I still laid there, staring at nothing as I tried to make myself move. But I just…couldn't. If I just laid here and thought of my family then they couldn't be gone. There were alive in my head and if I just laid here and thought of them I could keep them alive. The more I thought about it the more depressed and sobs once again racked me as grief once again spilled from me.
Having quieted again, I once again stared at nothing, trying to see if that worked better than focusing on them. Only then I heard voices, making me force myself up. My body protested as I slid off the bed, gimping to the window. Looking outside, people were walking back and forth. They were sitting at table with cups of coffee or eating something. Dogs were being played with.
This place couldn't be possible.
This place wasn't sustainable.
This place was inevitably going to fall.
I needed to get the hell out of here. Only I had no idea where I was. Moving toward the door, I had to figure out where the hell I was and why. I should have died in the woods. It would have been better that way. Only I wasn't, instead I was in a normal apartment in what appeared to be a normal town. If only they knew how screwed they were.
Leaving the room, I went down to the main road. Looking in both directions, there were gates with guards on top of them, pacing back and forth. In the other was the town with seemingly normal people meandering around looking as if the world was falling apart around them. Slipping down an alley, I walked to the wall, looking up and down it. Following it, I looked for any way I could to get out of here. Looking for any flaw in the wall that I could use to my advantage.
"There you are." Karen said as she approached me. Frowning, I nodded at her. "I'm sure you're starving. Come on."
"No, that's okay." I told her. "I'm not hungry."
"When was the last time you ate?" She smiled.
"It doesn't matter." I shot at her as I tried not to show that I was starting to shake, my throat tightening. "My family was just murdered. I don't feel like eating right now."
She nodded, "Okay."
"New person." Another voice said from behind me. A Hispanic-American looking man said walking toward me.
Glaring at him, I crossed my arms, "Yes?"
"The Governor would like a word." He told me.
"I don't answer to him." I told him quickly.
He just smiled at me, "Either way, you're coming with me."
He moved to grip my arm, getting a punch from me that sent him to the ground. He bounced back onto his feet, facing me as he worked his jaw. He laughed and stepped up to me.
"What are you gonna do?" I asked him nonchalantly.
He just smirked, "Not a damn thing."
"Good." I nodded at him.
He stepped aside and motioned with him arm, "Would you please accompany me to speak with our leader?"
He was being awfully cordial. Spending a few long minutes just looking at each other, I knew that I wasn't going to be able to get out of this. Sighing, I nodded and motioned him forward. He nodded back, his smile growing, before he started to walk. I followed him to one of the main buildings, being led into it and upstairs to a door. He knocked before opening it and motioned me inside. Then he closed it, cutting me off from both him and Karen. Turning around, the Governor was sitting at the table with a spread of food on top of it.
"Please." He said motioning to the chair next to him. "Sit. Enjoy a meal."
"Why?" I asked.
"Because you're probably starving."
Scoffing, I shook my head at him, "I don't want a damn thing from you."
He just watched me with a curious expression. "I'd still like you to take a seat."
"Or what?" I shot at him. "This isn't my home. You are not my leader."
He smiled and nodded, "No I am not. But I'd like you to tell me your story. Where you came from and who you were with."
"No."
"Now, I'm willing to give you everything you need. A sense of home and family. All I ask in return is for you to tell me what happened."
"I don't need a sense of home and family. I had that. Now it's gone. What else could you possibly need from me?"
"Your home, was there anything left?"
"No."
"You lost everyone?"
"How callus can you be?" I countered with disdain.
"I don't mean to be callus. I simply wish to learn about what you've been through so I can help you move forward." He replied.
"Everyone is dead." I told him. "Everyone! They killed my family and I killed them."
"Simple as that?"
"Simple as that."
He nodded. "Are you sure you don't want to eat anything?"
"I'm sure." I told him and let myself out, pushing past both the man and Karen.
"Hey, wait up." Karen said following me.
Ignoring her, I returned to my task of examining the fence. But I wasn't alone long. Karen followed me closely, though she didn't say anything, she simply walked with me while I looked at the wall. Occasionally I bent down and examined something, making several loops before I walked to the middle of the town and started to watch. Karen stood with me, watching both me and the people around me, gesturing when they came to close or saying something very nonchalant but seemed to say more than face value.
"Are you my babysitter or something?" I finally asked her.
"The Governor wants to make sure you're taken care of." She nodded.
Scoffing, I smiled at her, "Sounds more like he wants me dead."
"It's still a little chilly. Do you want a jacket or anything?"
"No."
"What are you doing?" She asked.
There was a long pause before I replied, "Watching."
"For what?"
When I didn't say anything, she just stood there. People here were acting like the world hadn't fallen apart. The apocalypse never happened here. They were clearly delusional, walking around and talking to people like they were simply neighbors. They were cooking on grills and kids were playing in the streets. There were dogs barking and laughter. Nothing about this felt right. Nothing at all.
"Taking it all in?" The man from earlier said stepping up to me.
Karen had excused herself, finally leaving me alone. Only that hadn't last long. I clenched my jaw, the force of it hurting. I didn't want to talk to him. I didn't want to get to know anyone. I didn't want to be here.
"Not much of a talker, are you?" He asked as he crossed his arms, looking at the town with me. Sighing, I turned, watching a different direction. He turned with me. "You might want to rethink that." He went on. "The Big Man doesn't like it when he doesn't get what he wants."
"Not my problem." I stated emotionlessly.
He chuckled and moved in front of me, making me frown at him. "Is your story so bad?"
"And you are?" I countered.
"Caesar." He replied holding out his hand. "Martinez."
Looking at his hand, I met his eyes with a heavy frown, keeping my arms crossed as I started observing again, turning away from him to change my angle. He shifted with me, looking out over his home.
"What are you waiting for?" He asked. I didn't say anything. "You can't keep the silent treatment going forever." He added, getting only silence in return. "Alright." He said and nodded at his home. "Well, have fun."
He walked away, making me feel a little bit more relaxed now that I was alone. I would appear that I wasn't going anywhere so it wasn't necessary to have someone constantly standing with me. I wasn't stupid enough to do anything rash. At least not right now. If I thought too much I just felt weak, making me want to curl up right here and once again grieve my family. I had to wait. I had to know more about this place before I made my escape. But it'd barely been a day. And I was so goddamn tired. So tired that I'd give the Governor his three days and then I'd leave. He couldn't keep me here.
When dusk arrived, I was still standing there, listening to the town. At some point, a golden retriever came and sat with me, watching until it was called away. Though I hadn't acknowledged it much. Mozzie was dead and even touching another dog right now made me want to breakdown.
"Hey." Karen said stepping back up to me.
"Hey." I told her.
"You hungry yet?" She asked.
Looking at her, I nodded, "Yeah, I am."
She smiled and motioned to follow her. We were nearly too where the apartments were when a man stepped out in front of us. I frowned and took a step back while Karen smiled at him.
"Milton."
"Hello." He told her.
"What can we do for you?"
"Milton." He said holding his hand out to me. Nodding at him, my arms were still crossed. "Not very friendly, is she?" He said to Karen.
"She's fine." Karen smiled. "What do you need?"
"The Governor would like her to join him for dinner."
"No." I stated.
"It wasn't really a request." Milton stated.
Laughing, I walked around him, following the path we'd taken to the room he was providing. Going inside, I shut and locked the door. Standing in front of it, I waited. I knew that something was going to happen. Someone was going to show up and ruin my night. Only the longer it took the more relaxed I became. That was when the knock came.
"Who is it?" I called out.
"Karen."
"And?"
I could hear the smile in her voice when she replied, "And I'm alone."
Opening the door, she stepped in with a plate of food. Looking at it, I couldn't have been more excited for it. Trying not to seem too eager, I took it and retreated to the couch. Sitting down, I picked up the fork and started to devour the food. A nice steak with mashed potatoes and green beans.
As soon as it was gone, I felt exhausted. I hadn't done anything all day except for standing and watching and yet I felt like I'd been doing manual labor through the entire day. Looking up at Karen, I couldn't help the tears that filled my eyes. She sighed and sat on the coffee table, putting her hand on my knee.
"Do you want to talk about it?" She asked me softly.
I shook my head, "No. And yes." She smiled and nodded at me. "I was protecting them." I told her shaking my head again. "I've been protecting them. Ben would have died without me because he was too kind and trusting. Hannah was too young and naïve. She didn't know what this world was like. And Moz…" I said and trailed off.
"Moz?" She asked gently.
I smiled at her, "My dog."
"Ah." She smiled.
Taking a deep steadying breath, I wiped the tears from my cheeks, "He was my best friend. I'd met him at the clinic I worked at. His owners never came back for him and I couldn't leave the animals in their kennels so we let them out. And he never left me." I told her before my tears came back full force. "Now he's gone. They are all gone. They're dead and I wasn't there. I should have let the two of them go. I should have let them go and I should have gone back to the cabin. I should have been with Ben. I should have been with him. He needed me and I wasn't there." I rambled as I started to sob. "I loved him. I loved his daughter. I loved my dog. I loved all of them and now they're all dead."
"Caroline." She said softly.
"Oh God, Ben." I said and the sobbing started full force, shaking taking me over. "Ben! I'm so sorry! Hannah! Mozzie!" It hurt. "Oh God!"
"Caroline." She repeated as she sat next to me, wrapping her arm around my shoulders.
"What am I supposed to do now?" I sobbed as I dropped my head into my hands.
Pulling me against her, she held me as I sobbed into her, grieving my family. Finding myself laying in her lap, she ran her hand down my hair, gently rubbing my back as I continued to cry, feeling like they would never stop. Even when I started to drift off, tears fell freely, soaking into her jeans.
When I woke up, I was still laying on the edge of the bed, but was now alone. Getting up, I ran my fingers through my hair, taking a deep breath. My eyes felt puffy and sore. Going to the bathroom, I peed before taking in my reflection as I washed my hands. Gripping the front of the sink, I sighed as I took in the red rims of my eyes, the paleness of my skin. I looked like shit. Raising a brow at myself, I turned and went back into the bedroom, just standing there as I looked around, trying to decide what to do.
Going to the door, I stared at it for a long moment, putting my hand on and off the knob. Finally opening it, I stood there for another long moment before stepping out. Going down to the main road, I stood there and watched as people passed me by. Everyone smiled or waved or said hello. But I just stood and watched before moving down an alley and once again started to walk the fence.
It was quite for a while when someone fell in step next to me. Looking up, I scoffed and shook my head. The Governor was stoic as he walked with me, not saying anything, not even looking at me. Not wanting to say anything to him either, I kept walking. I told him I'd give him three days. Today was day two. All I had to do was make it through the day the night and by tomorrow night I'd be gone again.
"I'm surprised to see you out." He told me. "I thought you'd want to lock yourself away for a while."
"Moving makes me dwell less." I replied.
"I am very sorry for your loss." He stated.
Nodding, I looked up at him, "Thank you."
"I'm going to ask something of you. You don't have to answer right away, but I'd like you to think on it." He told me.
Stopping, I frowned up at him, crossing my arms, "Okay?"
"First, I'd love for you to accompany me outside the walls."
"Why?"
"So you can show me what you can do." He smirked.
"No." I told him coldly before starting to walk again.
He swiftly followed me, "Oh, come on. Humor me."
Stopping again, I spun and faced him, "I should have died out there. I was going to die until your men found me. Thank you for that. But that is where all this ends. I am not going to stay here, Governor. I don't belong in a cage. I need to be out there doing what I do best." I finished and moved away from him again.
"And what's that?" He called after me. Stopping for a third time, I turned to him. "What is it that you do best?"
"I kill people." I replied nonchalantly.
"Exactly." He smiled at me.
"What?" I frowned at him.
He stepped up to me, "I need someone who can do the hard things. I need someone who won't hesitate to kill those who threaten the security that I've worked so hard to build. So, I'm asking you to show me what you can do."
"You want me to work for you?" I frowned at him.
He nodded, "More or less."
"And in return I get a nice apartment, three meals a day, a shower, a home, people?"
"That and more." He nodded. "You could have a life here. All you have to do is say yes."
Keeping his eyes for a long moment, I turned and walked away from him, "I'll think about it."
"Come have lunch with me." He called.
"Fine." I replied.
Making my rounds, I ended up back at apartment number 7, pacing its floor as I tried to wrap my head around everything that had happened. I lost my family, my dog, my home, my sense of security. Not that I needed any of that to survive. I could survive. I'd taught myself how to survive. But it was worthless if I was alone. I didn't want to be alone. Not anymore.
When noon came, I made my way toward the Governor's apartment. Being let inside, he was sitting at the table, two plates already set with a sandwich and fruit already prepared. Keeping a close eye on him, I sat down. He smiled and motioned toward the plate.
"Please. Eat." He told me kindly. Nodding, I was starving, forcing myself to take small bites so I could still watch him. "You still don't trust me, do you?"
"No." I replied.
"But you're considering my offer." He added.
"Yes." I added before devouring the rest of the sandwich. Picking up the fork, I started to eat the fruit, still feeling paranoid. "We gonna leave after lunch?"
He nodded, "If that works for you."
"It does." I nodded. "I have nothing better to do."
"Grieving is something to do." He replied softly. "You're allowed to grieve your family."
"I know." I told him. "I've cried for them. I'll probably cry some more. But nothing I do will bring them back. What I can do is stop it from happening to anyone else."
"Other people." He said quietly.
"People killed my family. I no longer have any qualms with killing other people. It's a necessity. I thought I could stop thinking that way when I met Ben. Turns out I was wrong. People came and people killed my people. The dead I can handle. You can predict the dead. But the living? They can't be trusted."
"If they can't be trusted, how can I trust you not to kill me and everyone here?"
"I will kill. But I also know that I don't want to be alone. I have to trust someone. I'll just be extremely careful about it."
"You can trust me." He smiled.
"No, I can't. But you're the leader here."
"So you'll put up with me?"
"So I'll respect your position. After that I hold no trust toward you."
He looked at me for a long moment before he nodded, "I accept that."
"Good." I told him with a raised brow.
As soon as we were done eating, we left his apartment and made our way toward the gates. Stopping at the armory, Martinez was there, seemingly ready and waiting for us. He looked angry about something. I wasn't sure if that was because the Governor was recruiting me or if that was just the way he was.
"Hand her the gun." The Governor told him.
He sighed and handed me the hand gun. Dropping the mag, I checked it, shoving it back into the gun, checked the chamber and the safety before putting it in the back of my pants. The Governor simply smiled at me while Martinez how held a more curious look than anything. Raising a brow, I moved toward the gate. We were all let out; the trio of us walking down the street as if we were simply out for a morning jaunt. Though we all knew better and I couldn't look around fast enough to make sure no walkers were slinking toward us without us knowing. If we were caught in the middle of a herd, we'd be in trouble.
"This way." The Governor told me going down a beaten path. "We came across this on one of our excursions. It's served us well as a place to practice without drawing any unwanted attention to Woodbury."
We'd already been walking for the better part of an hour. Once we took the path it was easily another half hour before the trees gave way to a field. There were already a string of targets that were lined up. They looked military based, though I didn't know if that was right or not. Not that it mattered. They would serve their purpose one way or another.
"Alright, show me what you've got." The Governor told me.
Sighing, I moved to the middle target, stepping back until I was several yards away. I'd never been good at telling distance so I went as far as I could to feel like I'd show him something he wanted to see. Taking my stance, I took a deep breath, letting it out as I started firing, hitting each target down the entire line. Looking at the men, they still looked expectant. Martinez motioned to follow him, which I did reluctantly, being led to a small cart that had metal targets on it. He hit something and they started to rock back and forth. Sighing, I raised the gun and started to shoot. Hitting all the targets, I stopped and opened my arms questioningly at the two men.
"Almost." The Governor told me.
"What else then?" I shot at him.
Martinez raised a brow at me, "Can you hit a target on the run?"
Sighing, I dropped my chin against my chest before looking at them, rolling my shoulders, I nodded. "Go stand by the other targets."
They looked at each other before they walked away. Waiting a few minutes, I rolled my neck and shoulders some more, wanting to loosen up. I hated tests and this was stupid. I could shoot the damn gun. But now I had to prove it. Breaking into a run, I brought the gun up as I neared the targets, hitting them as I passed; shooting from over my shoulder as I hit them again. Stopping, I turned and walked back to the men, raising a brow at them.
"Satisfied? Or do I have to show you that I can do it while hitting a moving target?"
"No. No, I think we saw what we needed to." The Governor told me.
"Good." I replied. "Now what?"
The Governor was all smiles, "I'll let you know when we have the next mission."
I nodded, "Fine." I said and moved back toward the gates.
Being let in, I went straight toward my apartment, only to hear steps swiftly coming up behind me. Sighing, I stopped and turned, seeing Martinez smiling at me. He looked far too happy and I did not feel like dealing with him right now. I was perfectly okay with going and wallowing in my grief.
"What can I do for you?" I asked him.
"Just wanted to know if you wanted to grab lunch." He replied.
"No." I told him and went inside.
Going to the door, I stared at the shiny number 7; knowing that this was pure luck and yet felt like I was betraying the family I'd lost. Finally going in, I locked the door and walked straight to the bed, falling on top of it. Staring at the ceiling, I wasn't sure if I needed to sleep or cry or yell. All I knew was that I needed something to make me feel better. Killing people probably wasn't the best therapy but at least it would be something to fill my days.
By dinner time, I'd been alone for several hours, having done everything I could think of to feel better. Crying seemed to do the trick, though after I while I found that there was such a thing as enough, settling on just lying there in a pit of my own misery. I shouldn't have left him in the cabin. I should have stayed with him. But I was afraid. I was afraid that if we let them go then they would return with even more and we'd all die. I thought I was doing the right thing.
Oh how wrong I had been.
At some point someone came and knocked on the door, but after several minutes of ignoring them, they finally left. Skipping dinner all together, I slept on and off until the sky started to lighten. Getting up, I once again left the apartment and started to walk the perimeter, still looking at anything and everything, planning any escape that I might need to make. But the more I looked the more I realized that there really wasn't a flaw that I could use to my benefit. And really, all I wanted to do was walk and think and just…be. I still wanted to leave. I still didn't want to be here. At the same time, the Governor had done a decent job at giving me a reason to stay. As good a reason as anyone. He was right when he said that I wasn't afraid of doing what I had to do. If it kept me fed and sheltered, I guess it was the best offer I'd received in this godforsaken world. If I was going to die, I might as well go down fighting.