Chapter Nine: Heavy Thoughts
The sun was warm and inviting as I made my way toward breakfast. I was eager to fill my stomach, never taking it for granted. I remembered too many days where I went hungry, finding just enough to stave off starvation. Then I found Ben and we had far more than we could have hoped for. Life had been perfect. Then it all went to hell and I ended up here, living a life that I didn't want just to survive in a world that was determined to kill me.
It was all a bunch of bullshit.
To make it worse, I didn't hear Ben's voice as much anymore. I didn't smell him. I didn't catch the sound of Hannah's laugh and every dog that barked made me think of the one I'd let burn. Despite how prepared they thought they were…it would never be enough. So I would enjoy my three meals a day. Anything extra that wouldn't spoil was in a trunk within a trunk that was in my room. Anything could happen at any time and I wanted to be sure I was ready.
No one else seemed worried about it. That was one thing that drove me crazy about this place. No one knew what was outside these walls. They felt untouchable and for the most part they were. The Governor had done a good job at keeping everyone safe. If only they knew what it cost. The lives that had been sacrificed to make sure they remained oblivious to the ways of the world. Some of these people couldn't even remember the last time they saw a walker. They just lived in their little Woodbury bubble, day in and day out, not thinking twice about what lay beyond the wall.
The kids still went to school. Parents still shopped for necessities. Amenities had not been lost here. Women were still doing their hair and wearing makeup. People were getting regular haircuts and shaves. There was a doctor for everyone to get their checkups for anything big or small. Dogs still lived here, playing fetch with their masters.
I had gotten used to it and yet at the same time it made me sick. I wanted to scream at them and tell them my story. I wanted them to understand the carnage that I had to live with every single day. I wanted them to know what it felt like to take someone's life before they took yours. To watch the life of a loved one slip away before they turned. Or what it was like to become a murderer because the man who took you in asked you to do his bidding. He was cold and collected.
I was cold and collected.
Don't let this world destroy you.
How far I had fallen…
I was destroyed.
"I saw you out and about last night." Milton said appearing behind my shoulder as I got a plate of eggs and bacon.
"And?" I said without looking up at him.
"And I think you should be careful. The Governor would not appreciate you ignoring his curfew."
"The Governor knows that I can take care of myself. He also knows that I've been doing just that while I take care of his people." I retorted. "If I was going to try anything I would have done it long before now."
"It's not that. It's the company you keep."
Stopping, I looked up at him. "That is none of your concern. It never has been. Otherwise I'd be in your bed instead of Caesar's, wouldn't I?"
He frowned and walked away. Sighing, I found Karen, who looked at me like a wounded puppy. So I had been a little cold to her yesterday. I'd been up and down the entire time I'd been here. This shouldn't be a surprise anymore. But apparently it was. I knew I should feel guilty about it, and toward her there was maybe a slight measure of guilt. Enough that I felt the need to apologize to her.
"Listen, about yesterday –" I started.
"It's fine." She told me.
"Karen, let me finish." I said softly.
She shook her head, softening already, "You don't have to. I get it. You've never been warm and fuzzy. You're not happy here. You don't even want to be here. We're the in between of whatever you've got going on. I know I can't expect us to be close. Besides, you've gotten closer to me than you have anyone else."
I nodded, "That is true."
"So I'm sorry I was all hurt and whiny about it."
"It's fine." I smiled and started to eat again. I knew there was a reason I liked her.
We were just finishing up when she kicked my shin. Frowning, I was going to call her out on it when she nodded over my shoulder. Looking, Michonne and the blond were walking toward us, being led by Rowan. Grabbing my last piece of bacon, I nodded at her and stood, moving toward the trio.
"This is Caroline." Rowan smiled. "She's like you two. Someone we saved a little over a month ago."
"Hi." The blonde told me. "I'm Andrea."
Michonne gave me an odd look before she offered me her hand, "Michonne."
Not letting it faze me, I nodded, "Nice to meet you both. How are you liking Woodbury?"
"It's impressive." Andrea nodded.
Nodding with her, I smiled, "It is." Then I looked at Rowan. "Mind if I take it from here?"
"No. You know the place. And you can probably explain it better to them than I can." She smiled.
I waited for her to walk away before I started to walk. Assuming they'd seen the majority of the town, we moved toward the gates before looping around the other side of the road. No one was paying us much attention. Not enough to hear what we were talking about.
"If the Governor said you could leave today, I suggest you do it." I told them.
"Why?" Andrea asked. "This place is amazing. It has everything we need to survive. Better than that, people are safe and happy here."
"It won't last." I stated.
She frowned at me with an annoyed expression, "Why do you say that?"
"Nothing good does."
She sighed and nodded, "Yeah. I guess that's true. I had a good thing going for me before and that ended horribly."
"Me, too." I stated. "That is why I can honestly tell you that this place isn't worth the price of admission. He saved you. Now he basically owns you. He won't let you leave. Not without consequences."
"I don't believe that." Andrea smiled at me.
I frowned, "I'm not in the habit of lying."
"I still don't believe it." She told me and stepped away, smiling as the Governor walked toward us.
"She won't leave." Michonne told me.
Sighing, I nodded, "I'm sensing a level of stubbornness that will rival my own."
She gave a short laugh, "I believe you."
Meeting her eyes, we both sighed and nodded at each other. Following behind them, we kept our distance until we reached my apartment building. Nodding at Michonne, I gently touched her arm before veering off. Going into my building, I went up to my apartment. I'd barely stepped through when my waist was grabbed and I found myself against Caesar's chest. Laughing, I wrapped my arms around him, kissing him deeply.
"Hey, you." I smiled, running my hand across his hair.
"Wanna fool around?" He asked.
Grinning, I kissed him again, "I think I can handle that."
We did just as he said; fooling around until I was so tired I couldn't keep my eyes open. Neither could Caesar. It was fun and at times exciting. Most importantly, it made me momentarily forget everything else that was going on in my life. I forgot about Michonne and Andrea. I forgot about the Governor. The fire. That was what I liked most about being with Caesar. He made me forget. Even if I felt barely anything toward him, he made me forget.
When I woke up, the sun was low on the horizon. Confused on what time of day it was, I rolled over to say something to Caesar, but he wasn't there. Frowning, I got up and looked out the window. Judging from the look of the street, I'd slept through the day and the night. It wasn't something that I'd never done before but I hadn't done it for a while. I felt good, but I still felt a little annoyed with myself. Despite how much time we had in this new world, things still needed to get done and I wasn't a fan of losing the time I had.
Going to Karen's apartment, she opened it and smiled at me, leaning against the doorframe. "You do exist."
"What the hell did I miss?" I smiled, stepping inside.
"You missed the Governor's speech yesterday about the army. How they'd found them but the biters had gotten there first."
"And today?"
"Today has barely begun." She replied.
"At least I missed the speech." I smiled as I dropped onto her couch.
She laughed, "Caesar must have really worn you out."
"He has his virtues." I grinned at her.
She laughed. "Then you will need breakfast to regain some energy."
"What are Michonne and Andrea up to today?" I asked as we left.
"Andrea seems to have taken a liking to the Governor. Michonne is wandering around somewhere." She replied. "Why?"
"I think you were right." I told her. "I think I have an annoyance and an ally."
She smiled and nodded, "I think I can tell which is which."
"It makes me curious." I added.
Grabbing breakfast to go, I ate my bacon and then started on the cup of yogurt and granola as I walked around town, looking for Michonne. Finding her walking near a bunch of army trucks, I could only assume that they were brought back from the army base that the Governor had taken the others too. Judging by the look of them, I could figure out exactly what happened on that run.
"I think you can probably deduce what happened." I said nonchalantly, making her jump. "Sorry." I smiled at her.
"You knew?" She frowned.
"No. I just know." I replied. "Just because I wasn't there doesn't mean I don't know what these people are capable of. I've been on plenty of runs that end just like this."
"How do you live with yourself?" She frowned.
Shrugging, I couldn't help but not feel anything, "When you've lost everything, it makes it hard to care about anything anymore. Caring it a privilege that no many can afford."
"You're broken." She replied sadly.
Laughing, I nodded, "You have no idea."
She stepped up to me, her expression so intense that it was hard to look at her. When she spoke, it was with such emotion that it took all of me not to breakdown right then and there. "I've been where you are. I've seen what you've seen. I know exactly what you're going through and I can tell you that it will get better. People matter. The killing needs to stop. How are we supposed to survive if we wipe each other out? The dead already outnumber us. How are we to stand a chance if we don't hold on to our humanity? We need to stand together. Those of us who can live in this world without losing ourselves. People like you. People like me. People like Andrea and those she came from. People matter, Caroline."
"You don't know me." I frowned at her, attempting to keep my composure.
"No. I don't." She replied. "But I trust my gut and it's telling me that you're not this person. You're in pain. But this isn't you."
My stomach was turning and it took all of me not to hit her, or yell, or breakdown. So I did the next best thing. Anger. "You don't know me." I repeated. "Think what you want but what you see is what you get."
"I don't believe that. If I did then I would believe the same about me." She told me.
"Then maybe you should." I told her and walked away.
As soon as I was out of sight, I started to shake. She was a stranger. She didn't know the first thing about me and yet she sparked something in me that was setting my blood on fire. Taking the quickest route back to my apartment, I rushed to it, slamming the door open and shut. Turning Caesar was sitting on the bed, looking expectant.
"Get out." I told him as tears rushed to my eyes.
"Caroline, what's wrong?" He asked with concern.
"Get out." I told him again as I moved forward. Gripping his wrist I pulled him to his feet, pushing him toward the door.
"Babe, what is it?" He frowned, holding on to me.
"Please, just get out." I told him, still fighting the tears.
He nodded, pulling me into him just long enough to press a kiss against my forehead, then he was gone. The second the door shut, the tears spilled and sobs broke from me. Falling backward, I hit the floor, my back against the bed as I rocked back and forth, sobbing and screaming as if everything that hurt me had happened all over again.
I was still crying heavily when the door opened and Michonne stepped in. She took one look at me before she sighed and sat next to me. Looking at her, I nodded before starting to sob again. I hated how right she was. I hated how much I wished I could just forget. I wished I could be me from before all this happened but none of us could be who we were. You couldn't survive without changing into someone else.
"I don't feel anything anymore." I cried without looking at her. "I've killed so many people. Before here I still killed to keep the little food and water I had. I killed because people were going to kill me. I could justify it then. But now? Now I just do it because the leader of this godforsaken place tells me to. And I don't…I don't feel anything."
"Why are you telling me this?" She asked softly.
"Because if I tell the people here then they will come up with some reason to get rid of me. I haven't tried to escape because I don't want to die. I want to die but I don't – I don't want to die. Can you understand what I mean?"
"Yes." She nodded.
"I don't feel, therefore I do, and am too goddamn afraid to do anything about it. I distract myself so I don't feel. You're making me feel things I don't want to feel. I don't want to feel anything because I don't feel anything when I should."
"You're broken." He told me again.
"Very." I nodded. "I feel like I sound crazy right now."
"Not crazy. Just human." She replied.
Looking at her, tears were still falling down my cheeks, "How do I get fixed?"
"You need to leave here. You need to help me convince Andrea to leave here."
Keeping her eyes, I frowned, "Then what?"
"We survive." She told me and offered me a small smile. Nodding, my eyes were still wet but tears had stopped falling for the moment. "I haven't been here long but there is something about the Governor that rubs me the wrong way."
"I've always hated him. From the second I saw him, I hated him."
"Yet you stayed."
I nodded, "For all the wrong reasons."
"Not wrong, Caroline." She told me. "You did what you had to do."
Taking a deep breath, I let it out slowly, "It was an impossible situation. I should have died but I ended up here. I guess I took it as a sign."
"If you didn't know any better, this place would be perfect."
Laughing lightly, I nodded, "If you let everything else fall away, this place is perfect."
"Don't lose yourself, Caroline. Even a place like this shouldn't take everything you are away from you."
"Were you a philosopher before all this?" I smirked at her with furrowed brows.
She smiled, "No. I was definitely not."
There was a long pause before I frowned at her, "Can I make an observation?" She nodded at me. "You don't seem the trusting type. Let alone someone who would be sitting and reassuring a crazy person when she doesn't even know them. So why are you really here?"
She smiled wider and nodded at me, "Like I said. I know what you're going through."
"Your family?"
She nodded. "And I've been gone a lot longer than you."
Sighing, I raised my brows, "I could so totally go for some tequila right now."
She mirrored my expression, "Yes."
"I can probably track down some beer." I told her. "Vodka maybe."
There was a long pause before she said anything. "Or we could just sit here. Not saying a word. Knowing that we're not alone."
The tears came back and we sat there, me crying while she took slow deep breaths. Neither of us said anything else. We just sat there and as simple an act as it was, knowing that I wasn't alone, knowing that someone was here that knew what I was feeling. It helped more than anything else had. It was surprising and in a way terrifying.
When she left the room felt colder than it had before. It felt small, nearly claustrophobic. Deciding that I couldn't handle it, I got up and left it, practically running down to the street. As soon as the air hit my lungs, I felt better. Needing to escape for a few minutes, I made my way to the gate, seeing Shumpert on top of it. Climbing up onto the landing, I sighed and stepped next to him.
"Want down?" He smirked.
"Keep your eye out?" I countered.
He looked over his shoulder, "Be quick."
Smiling, I touched his arm before I dropped from the wall, keeping close to it before disappearing into the woods. I wouldn't be gone long and I wasn't looking to cause any trouble. Walking silently and slowly, I knew where I was going but I was in no hurry to get there. My mind was heavy and the more I walked the more I felt like I couldn't do this. But it wasn't about what I wanted. It was about what I needed and I needed to see it. I needed to go back.
I knew I was close when I started to see the burnt trees. Taking slow deep breaths, I kept moving forward, watching my feet as the ground became more ash than grass. Looking up, the cabin was in front of me, partially collapsed in the center, burying my family amongst the rubble. Stepping over the remains of the fence, I could barely make out the rows of crops. Stopping in front of the stairs, I fell to my knees, staring at my broken home. Remembering the moments where Ben would look down at me from the top, his shirt open with a cup of coffee in his hands. It was been so simple. But it was all gone. Sobbing, screaming into the sky, I slammed my fists into the ground.
"Why?!" I screamed into the sky. "Why would you give them to me and then take them away?! WHY?!"
Screaming until I couldn't anymore, I sat on my heels, letting tears stream down my face. This wasn't helping me. This was hurting me. I thought maybe seeing all of this again would somehow bring me a little bit of closer. But it didn't. It just reopened all the wounds that I had been trying so hard to close.
Hearing twigs breaking, I shot to my feet, spinning round to face whoever or whatever was there. Relief filled me and I couldn't help but smile. One of the horses had survived. He looked well fed. Hearing other sounds, I moved around the cabin to see our cow still grazing in the small pasture. A small goat for company. Somehow the fire had missed them. Looking back at the horse, he wasn't alone anymore. The mare was there as well, her belly large.
Laughing, for the first time since I'd lost my family I felt hope. Hope that this meant the world was fighting back. The world was giving me something and all I had to do was take it. Stepping toward the horses, they moved toward me, eager for attention. They could have run off. They could have lived free. Yet they stayed where home was. Even if that home was destroyed.
"Okay." I said hugging a long nose against my chest. "Okay."
Not wanting to lock them up, I also didn't want to take them with me. Woodbury didn't deserve this gift. The Governor didn't deserve this gift. Michonne was right. I was better than what I had become. It didn't mean the road was going to be easy. Killing had become second nature. I knew I would still shoot first and ask questions later. But maybe I could be different. I had been a different person with Ben. Without him I reverted to the person I'd been before him. Killing. Surviving.
"I want to be more." I told the horse. "Is that possible in a world like this?" The mare nickered and nudged me. Smiling, I pressed my forehead to hers. "I'm glad one of us thinks so."
Attempting to leave them behind, they followed me through the wood. Circling round, I ended up putting them back in the pasture with the cow and goat. The few chickens now pecking around. Amazed, I fed them what I could find, deciding that I would be back sooner rather than later. Feeling a sense of rejuvenation, I jogged back to Woodbury, climbing back up the wall and once again joined Shumpert on top of it.
"Where the hell have you been?" He frowned at me.
"Out." I told him.
"Caesar was looking for you. The Governor was looking for you. Milton was looking for you. Karen was –"
"Looking for me? I got it." I told him with annoyance.
"Get your ass off this wall." He said shooing me with his arm.
Smiling, I nodded and swiftly dropped to the ground. Rushing forward, I had barely gone a few yards when I skidded to a stop, looking up into the face of the Governor. Still catching my breath, I put my hands on my hips, furrowing my brows at him.
"Yes?"
"Were you outside the walls?"
"Yes." I told him, not wanting to bother with trying to lie.
"Did you come across anything?"
"No." I said shaking my head. "The woods are quiet."
"Nothing?" He asked.
I frowned harder at him, "Should I have found something?"
He kept my eyes for a long moment. "No. No, of course not. It's been a long time since the woods were truly quiet."
I nodded, "Well, they are right now. So I guess we're doing our job."
He smiled, "Well done."
"Thank you." I told him. "Anything else I can do for you?"
He shook his head, "No. You've already done a lot for this community. We're in your debt. I should be asking if there is anything we can do for you."
Smiling, I shook my head at him, "The safety and security that you provide is more than enough for me."
He smiled wide and put his hand on my shoulder, "I'm glad to hear that. Enjoy the day."
"Thank you." I told him and was moving again.
Going to Karen's first, I found her apartment empty. Deciding home was the next stop, I opened my door to see Caesar there. He sighed with relief before he had me in his arms. His grip was tense, making me feel like something had happened while I was gone.
"What's going on?" I asked letting him go.
"Where were you?" He countered, taking my head in his hands.
"Out. What happened?"
He sighed, frowning at me as he let me go. "Why do you do that?"
"Do what?'
"Go off alone."
"Sometimes I need to get out and clear my head. I can't do that here and I can't do that with a group of people out there. I just needed a little time alone."
"Do I mean anything to you?"
Frowning, the only thing I felt toward this conversation was annoyance, "Where is all of this coming from?"
"I don't know." He replied and paced away from me.
"Caesar." I said reaching for him. "Baby, what is wrong?" I asked. I'd never used any terms of endearment toward him before. Saying it now left a bad taste in my mouth. At the same time I felt the need to comfort him. And for some reason I wasn't ready for him to leave me. "What happened while I was gone?"
"You've been buddying up with the black chick." He stated. "You getting ready to leave me?"
Sighing, I shook my head, "No."
"Then why are you talking with her so much?" He frowned.
"Because she's like me. We can relate to each other. It's nice." I replied.
He sighed and nodded, his shoulders dropping. "I get it."
"Good." I nodded back at him. Wrapping my arms around his neck, I pressed my face into his neck, "Thank you."
"For what?"
"For caring." I replied, taking his face in my hands.
"Of course." He told me as if I was being ridiculous.
Kissing him softly, slowly, I deepened the kiss, letting our tongues touch as I ran my hand down his chest. "I care about you, you know."
"I know." He smirked. "It might not be much but I know you care."
Smiling, I kissed him again, sliding my hands underneath his shirt. Slipping my fingers into the top of his pants, I'd just unbuttoned them when there was knocking on the door. Meeting his eyes, he raised a brow and I nodded at him, kissing him once more before going to the door. Opening it, I felt a jolt in my stomach as I looked at Michonne.
"What's wrong?"
"Can we talk?"
I nodded, letting her in. Looking at Caesar, he nodded and stepped up to me, buttoning his pants again. He took my face in his hands and kissed me before letting himself out, closing the door behind him. Turning to Michonne, I wrapped my arms around myself, offering her a small smile.
"She won't leave." She told me.
"Why not?" I frowned at her.
"The Governor." She said with disdain.
Nodding, I sighed, rubbing my face with my hands before racking them through my hair. "So stubborn." She nodded. "I want to go with you." I told her.
"What?" She frowned.
"I want to go with you."
"Why?"
"Because you were right."
She smiled and nodded, "Okay."
"Okay."
"But I'm not leaving without her."
"We'll figure it out."
Standing there, we looked at each other; both knowing that we needed to leave but there was always someone we weren't willing to leave behind. This time it was her. And I would help her in any way that I could.