Chapter Twelve: Acceptance
Starting to wake up, I was aware of the hard floor underneath me. Aware of my hand being held and a rag moving across my forehead. I was also aware of my shaking and the fact that my body felt like it had been weighted down. The lids to my eyes so heavy that I couldn't bring myself to even try to open them. God I felt like crap. I didn't have control over my body, but I could hear voices. They were muffled at first, clearing as I continued to come to.
"We can't send them away."
Maggie.
"We can't trust them."
Rick.
"That girl gave her life to give you time to get Glenn and Maggie out of there." The older man said kindly. "From what Maggie said she would have let herself die to protect Daryl from his own brother."
"We still don't know them." Rick told him.
"And we won't unless you give them a chance." The old man stated. "She can't go anywhere right now, anyway." He added when Rick remained silent. "She's lost a lot of blood. She's been stabbed and shot. The stab wound worrying me more since a serious infection has started to set in. If we can't get that under control she'll die before she makes it to the door."
My hand was let go and then Michonne was speaking. "You need to help her."
"You're right." The old man replied. "Rick, let me help her."
There was a long pause before he replied, "Fine."
There was the sound of the crutches, then a hand was against my forehead. "Maggie, we need to start an IV. She's lost a lot of blood. We need to clean and debride her wound and then stich them. She also needs antibiotics in her system." Finally managing to crack my eyes open, I met his. "Hello." He smiled. Furrowing my brows, I couldn't get my voice to work. "It's okay. Nothing's going to happen to you."
"Here." Maggie said as she knelt next to him. "Hi." She smiled.
I was silent as they put in the IV, muttering back and forth to each other. Staring at the ceiling, I waited for the pain that was about to be coursing through me. It was going to hurt like hell and I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to handle it. I already felt like I was on the cusp of life and death. Any more pain might just tip the scale.
"How is she?" Glenn asked.
"She's weak." The old man told him.
"Who is she?" Another woman asked.
"Her name is Caroline." Rick told her.
"She helped save us." Maggie added.
"Is she gonna make it?" The woman asked.
There was a pause before the old man replied, "I don't know."
Watching the old man, he held up scissors in front of my face, letting me look at them. "The edges of your wound need to be cut due to the infection setting in." I let out a soft noise. "You are going to be in quite a deal of pain. We don't have a way to sedate you so I need you to try and hold still. But you need to keep holding on to that fight in you. You gotta hang on a little bit longer. Can you do that?"
"Y-yes." I whispered, still shaking uncontrollably.
He took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "We have to turn you onto your side so I can stitch both wounds." I moaned a little in response. "Rick." He said. "Carl. Carol."
"It's gonna be okay." Michonne smiled down at me. "You've made it this far. Just a little bit longer."
"S-sure." I told her as tears slid from the corners of my eyes. The man, his son, and the stay at home mom stepped forward and I looked up into Rick's face. "Be – be gentle – with me." I mumbled, smirking at him. Not wanting to die on bad terms with him.
He chuckled, "Something tells me you're not the gentle type."
Laughing lightly, it quickly turned to screaming as I was turned onto my side. "Holy shit."
"Well done." The old man smiled at me.
"Sh-shut up." I told him airily and laughed lightly.
He chuckled at me. "Now the hard part."
"Just – just do it." I told him, gripping Rick's arm.
"You with me?" He asked gently. Nodding, I hugged his arm to my chest. "Go ahead." He said as his hand found my arm.
"Michonne." I said softly.
"I'm right here." She told me and I felt her hand on my hip and back.
Groaning with anticipation, Maggie poured alcohol against the wound, making me cry out and my shaking intensify. Then I was screaming, Michonne, Rick, and the other two were holding me down to keep my as steady as possible. Screaming as loudly as I could, my throat felt raw, slowly turning to moans, slowing even further until I was barely conscious. But I could feel everything.
"Linny?" Michonne said with her hand against my face. "She's barely breathing."
"Hershel." Rick said with an air of panic.
"Just a few more minutes and we can role her onto her back." The old man, Hershel, told him. "She'll be okay."
"Hershel." Rick repeated with his hand against my face.
"Caroline?" Hershel said, feeling another hand against my face.
"Mm." Was all I could muster.
"Just a little longer." He told me.
Finished with my side, they rolled me onto my back, hands against my arm. Then more alcohol was poured and I felt the scissors against my skin before the needle was once again moving in and out of my flesh. When my side was done, he moved to my shoulder, cleaning and stitching the skin together where Rick had shot me. Staring at the ceiling, I felt like I wasn't even in my body anymore. The pain was a dull throb, completely tolerable, making me unsure if it was even happening or not.
"All done." Hershel said and leaned over me, taking my face in his hands. "Caroline?" He said softly. "I need you to blink for me." Shutting my eyes, it felt like forever until I could open them again. "Good girl." He smiled. "Now get some sleep."
Not having to be told twice, I fell asleep with ease, feeling like I could slip away at any moment.
When I woke next, I felt better and yet still exhausted. Opening my eyes, I was looking at the bottom of a bunk. Turning my head, there was a set of bars, the door open, voices drifting in as well as the coo of a baby. Attempting to sit up, pain erupted and tears spilled from the corners of my eyes. Hearing steps, I looked at the doorway to see Rick step into view, cocking his head as he looked at me. Meeting his eyes, he stepped in, bending down at the side of the bed.
"Hey." He said softly.
"Hey." I whispered.
"How are you feeling?" He asked.
Shaking my head, I took a deep breath, "I don't know."
He nodded, putting his elbow on the bed, scratching his brow. "Yeah."
"Is she awake?" Maggie asked.
He turned his head and looked at her, standing up and stepping away from me. "Yeah."
She stepped in, sitting next to me, putting her hand against my forehead. "Your fever broke." She smiled at me. Taking her hand, I gripped it tightly, furrowing my brows at her. "You're okay. So is Michonne." Nodding, I still held tight to her hand. She smiled and held it firmly in both of hers. Shutting my eyes again, I took a deep breath, letting it out slowly.
"Maggie." I heard Glenn say from the doorway.
"I'm fine, Glenn. I'm just going to sit with her for a while." She told him.
Attempting to doze off again, I couldn't due to the voices that were drifting in. Opening my eyes, I gripped Maggie's hand tightly before slowly sitting up, fighting through the pain. Taking slow breaths, for a moment the world spun but then steadied.
"You should rest." She told me.
I nodded, "I know. But I can't. What's going on out there?"
"There's a debate about a group of people Carl found in the tombs." She replied.
Nodding again, I slowly got to my feet, looking down to see my feet bare. Smiling, the coolness of the concrete felt nice. "Shall we?"
"No." She told me. "You need to rest. You shouldn't be up."
"I know." I told her, letting her go as I stepped from the cell.
All eyes were immediately on me. Smiling, I took a few tentative steps forward, unsure of how I would be on my feet. Finding myself surprisingly steady, I smiled as I stepped up to Hershel, holding my hand out to him.
"Thank you." I told him.
He took my hand, smiling at me, "I'm happy I was able to help."
Looking at my stitches, I smiled wider, "You're a Veterinarian."
He smiled and nodded at me, "Yes, I am."
"I'm a CVT." I grinned at him.
His grip on my hand tightened as he grinned at me, "Then you are even more welcome. You probably know more than I do."
Laughing lightly, I nodded, "I was good at what I did."
"I have no doubt." He replied, letting my hand go.
Looking around, there was one person I didn't see, my stomach dropping. Feeling a phantom touch across my back, it took me a long moment to ask, "Where is Daryl?"
Rick looked at me sadly. Glenn was the one who replied, "He left."
"Left?" I frowned. "After all that he just left?"
"With Merle." He added.
Laughing, I started to pace, "Of course he did. Fucking Dog."
"Hey." Rick said stepping toward me. "It was his decision. He made a choice."
"The wrong one." I shot at him. "Did you even try to stop him?"
He straightened, looking at me with a dangerous look. "You don't know us, Linny. Just like we don't know you. You don't get a say in what I did and didn't do. You don't get a say in anything."
Laughing, I paced and nodded at him. "I'll just get Michonne and we'll leave. We're clearly not wanted here."
"Now just wait a second." Hershel told me. "You are wanted. You put your life on the line for my daughter and Glenn. You risked your life to protect Daryl. Rick knows that."
"Hershel." Rick said warningly.
"We've lost enough people, Rick. We need to start trusting the good ones when they come."
"Linny."
Looking, I rushed to Michonne, throwing my arms around her neck. "I'm glad you're okay." I whispered into her ear.
"You, too." She said hugging me tight. "How are you feeling?"
"Still a bit like shit but it's still an improvement." I smiled at her. Looking at Rick, I crossed my arms. "So, have you made up your mind on what you're gonna do with us yet?"
Rick scoffed and stepped up to me, "Believe it or not, I've got bigger problems than you."
He turned and walked away, making me follow him. "Rick." I said but stopped, seeing a whole new group of people. "Oh. Hello."
Rick was standing in front of a tall, burly black man, who had an extremely kind face. Just behind him was a woman that looked enough like him that led me to assume she was his sister. But I could be wrong. Behind her, there was a man and his son, all of them looking uneasy.
"I'm Tyreese." The man told Rick.
He held out his hand but Rick didn't take it.
Hershel and the others had followed him as well, introducing the others, "Sasha. Allan. Ben."
Ben.
I flinched at the name.
"How'd you get in?" Rick asked.
"Fire damage to the administrative part of the prison." Tyreese told him. "Wall's down."
Rick frowned at him, "That side's completely overrun with walkers. How'd you get this far?"
"We didn't. We lost our friend Donna."
"They were lost in the tombs." Carl told him.
Rick turned to his son, clearly not impressed with him, "You brought them here?"
"He had no choice." Hershel said defending the boy.
"I'm sorry about your friend." Rick told Tyreese. "We know what that's like."
Feeling emotion creep in, I didn't know what they had been through, but I knew what it felt like. I knew far too well. It made me want to stay that much more. I felt like being with this group would help fix me. Fix us. Looking at Michonne, she looked like she was struggling, too. I was sure she lost people. She lost Andrea, even if it wasn't to death; she'd lost her to the Governor.
"Hershel said you could use some extra hands." Tyreese told him. "We're no stranger to hard work. We'll go out and get our own food, stay out of your hair. You got a problem with another group; we'll help with that, too. Anything to contribute."
Rick barely paused before he replied, "No."
"Please." Sasha told him. "It's like "10 Little Indians" out there. It's just us now."
"No."
"Let's talk about this. We can't just keep –" Hershel tried to tell him.
"We've been through this. With Tomas, Andrew. Look what happened." Rick told him. "Look at them."
"That's not fair." I told him.
"Axel and Oscar weren't like them." Carol told him.
"And where's Oscar now?" Rick asked, making silence fall. "I can't be responsible."
"You turn us out, you are responsible." Tyreese frowned at him.
"Rick." Hershel said and he walked over to him. "You've done so much for us. I appreciate that. We all do. We owe you our lives. We've done everything you asked without question. And I'm telling you you're wrong on this. You've got to start giving people a chance."
Rick looked at me and Michonne, not sure what to say. Only then he looked up, seeing…something. He started to repeated 'no' over and over again. Looking up, there was nothing there. Keeping my eyes on him he stepped forward, past everyone in the room.
"Why are you here? What do you want from me?" He asked the emptiness. "I can't help you. Get out!"
"Rick." Hershel said.
"If you just let us –" Tyreese started.
"Get – get out! You don't belong here! Why? Get out!"
Looking at Michonne, she looked as concerned as I did. Tyreese and the others looked worried taking a step back. Holding my hand out, I stepped toward Rick.
"Rick."
"Get out!" He bellowed.
Tyreese nodded and he stepped back, looking at his people before they all turned and left. Looking back at Rick, I couldn't help the anger that filled me.
"What is your fucking problem?" I shot at him. "If you push everyone away all you're going to do is end up alone. Even your own people won't put up with you. You need to start to trust people again, Rick. I don't know what happened to you but you need to let someone in."
"Like you?!" He yelled at me.
"Yes!" I yelled before calming. "No." I replied. "Not me. But someone. I want to stay. I want Michonne to stay. I need you to let us stay. But how can I even ask that if you can't even control yourself?" Then his eyes were on me. It was obvious that he wasn't seeing me. He was seeing someone else. In the next moment his arms were around me, his face pressed against my neck. "What are you doing?" I asked him.
"Lori." He whispered.
For a moment I was going to retaliate against him for his closeness. But then the baby popped into my head. Rick's baby. The mother was no longer here. Wrapping my arm around him, I brought my hand to the back of his head, looking at Hershel. He nodded at me sadly.
"It's okay." I told him.
"I'm so sorry, Lori." He whispered.
"I know. But it's okay." I replied. "Rick, it's okay."
But it wasn't okay. Nothing about this was okay. Lori was his wife. The mother of his children and she was gone. They said there had been more of them. She must had been lost when they took the prison. She had given birth to a beautiful little girl and would never see her grow up. She was gone and he was left in this world to raise her and Carl. He had people. But he was alone. I knew what that felt like. To be surrounded by people and feel so alone that you can hardly stand it. Looking for anything to fill the void. He hadn't succeeded at that yet. The void was open and it was sucking him in.
"It's okay." I told him airily. "It'll get better."
Then he seemed to get his senses back, letting me go and walked away. Looking around at everyone I was feeling the pain from my own loss. I needed air. I needed to get away from these people who were looking at me with questions that I didn't want to answer. I had my own that I didn't want to ask. Not right now. Moving down the corridors I'd been led down before, I let myself out into the exercise yard. Taking a deep breath, I pushed down the tears that wanted to come out. There wasn't time for it.
"Linny." Michonne said as she followed me.
"I'm sorry." I told her. "I needed to get out of there."
"It's okay." She smiled. "I understand. I'm just happy you're up and moving around."
Nodding, I met her eyes, "It feels good to move."
"Now what?" She asked.
"I don't know." I told her. "I have no fucking idea."
"What if Rick doesn't let us stay?"
"He hasn't kicked us out yet."
She scoffed, "He's not exactly the most stable right now."
"I know." I nodded. "But he has a baby and his wife is dead."
"How do you know it was his wife?" She asked.
"I clocked his left hand." I told her, getting a smirk from her. "What?" I smirked back. "I'm a single person, I was single for a very long time. You get good at noticing that left ring finger." She laughed lightly and nudged me. My smile fell and I sighed, "He's hurting, Michonne. And I understand exactly what he's feeling."
"I know." She told me sadly. "I know you do."
"We're staying until they say otherwise. We'll help them fight the Governor."
"Okay." She smiled. "I guess we should start planning."
Nodding, I was looking out over the space before us. "That bus would be a good place to lay down an initial assault."
She nodded again, "I'll check it out."
"Okay."
"But you're not in charge here, Linny. Don't try and push them into doing anything."
"I don't want to be in charge. I'm simply thinking of how the Governor is going to come in and what move he'll make. Believe it or not, I'm the best weapon we have right now."
She nodded, "I get it, Linny. I'm just saying."
Smiling, I gently took her hand, "I appreciate that."
She went one direction while I went another. Going back inside, Rick wasn't there but Glenn appeared to be taking the lead, drawing out a map of the prison on the floor.
"Right. Now you said you found Tyreese's group here?" He asked Carl.
"Yeah." Carl replied.
"We secured this."
Carl pointed to the map, "He thought he came through here."
"Means there's another breach." Glenn said, clearly thinking. "Okay. The whole front of the prison is unsecure. If walkers just strolled in, then it's gonna be cake for a group of armed men."
"Why are we even so sure he's going to attack? Maybe you scared him off." The blond girl offered.
"He's coming." I told them. "He'll come and he'll hit us hard."
"He had fish tanks full of heads. Walkers and humans. Trophies." Michonne said as she stepped up to my side.
"We should hit him now." Glenn stated.
"What?" The blonde exclaimed.
"Not a good idea." I stated.
"He won't be expecting it. We'll sneak back in and put a bullet in his head."
Sighing, I looked at Michonne before Glenn. "I can work with that."
"We're not assassins." Carol told him, her eyes darting to me. "And you're not a part of this."
"Like hell I'm not. He tried to kill me, too. And don't forget that I'm the reason Glenn and Maggie are alive."
"You know where his apartment is. You and I could end this tonight." Glenn said to Michonne.
"So do I. Doesn't mean we should." I frowned at him.
"I'll do it myself." Glenn told her, getting her to nod. "Okay."
"We're not okay yet." I frowned. "Michonne, he nearly killed you. The only reason you got away was because you managed to stab him. That was luck. Don't expect it to happen again."
"You can't go." She told me. "You're needed here. You can fight and you know what he'll do. I'll go with Glenn. I can do it."
"It's not about being able to do it, Michonne. You know my story. You know why I don't want you to go."
"I'll come back." She told me gently.
"Son of a bitch." I said and paced away from her.
"He didn't know you were coming last time and look what happened. You were almost killed." Hershel told Michonne before looking at Glenn. "Daryl was captured. And you and Maggie were almost executed."
"You can't stop me." Glenn stated.
"I'll knock you out if I have to." I shot at him. "Hershel is right."
"Rick would never allow this." Hershel added.
Glenn frowned at him, "You really think he's in any position to make that choice?"
"Think this through clearly. T-Dog lost his life here. Lori, too. The men that were here." He said and paused. "It isn't worth any more killing. What are we waiting for? If he's really on his way, we should be out of here by now."
"And go where?"
"We lived on the road all winter."
"Back when you had two legs and we didn't have a baby crying for walkers every four hours."
Listening, both were right. I could see both sides and I couldn't decide which one I wanted to support. But I was only half a part of the group. Rick was unsure but Hershel didn't seem like he would allow us to be kicked out.
"We can't stay here." Hershel told him.
"We can't run." Glenn stated.
I looked up as Maggie walked away. It seemed like the decision had been made.
"All right. We'll stay put." Glenn told us. "We're gonna defend this place. We're making a stand. Carl, you and I will go down to the tombs. We need to figure out where the breach is."
"You got it."
"You're gonna need some help." Michonne told him.
"No, in case anything happens, I need you out here." Glenn stated.
"Then I'll go." I told him.
"No. You stay here, too."
"You can't do this on your own." I shot at him.
"And you're in no condition to be fighting right now." He shot back at me. "Rest. Save your strength. We're gonna need it when he shows up." I nodded at him. Then he looked around at everyone here. "Who's on watch?" No one said anything. "Damn it."
"Hey." I said to him. "I'll go." He shot me a look. "I can shoot just fine and my lungs are in working condition. I won't do anything stupid and you can trust me."
He nodded, "Okay."
Looking at Hershel, I stepped toward him. "The baby's mother." I said softly. "Was she Lori?" He nodded at me. "Was she his wife?" He nodded again. I already assumed it but I wanted to know. "I'll be in the tower." I told him before starting to walk away.
"Caroline." He said stopping me, making me turn to him. "He may not say it but we need you."
"I'm not going anywhere." I smiled before walking away. "Where's my gun?" I asked Carl. "And my knife?"
"I'll get them." He told me.
Following him, I watched him get my things. "Thank you." He nodded before starting to walk away. "Carl?" I said stopping him. "I'm really sorry about your mom."
"Where's yours?" He asked.
"I have no idea. Probably dead." I replied.
He nodded, "Then I'm sorry, too."
"Hey." I said stopping him again. "I left my parents long before the world ended. But I found people and lost them, too."
"We've all lost someone." He told me.
"I know." I nodded. "I just…I get it, okay?"
He nodded, "Okay."
Fail.
Sighing, I found my way to the tower, climbing up to the top, looking out over the prison grounds. My hand found my side, putting slight pressure as it ached. But I was grateful that my head wasn't hurting. Rolling my shoulder, the stitches in my arm pulled, making me hiss with pain. Gently touching them, I sighed, lowering my arm as I started to circle the tower, taking in everything around us. He was coming, but after what happened he would need to rally and prepare. It would buy us maybe a day. He knew where we were. He knew that we had nowhere to go. This place could be made secure. We could survive here. Glenn was right when he said we had to fight but we still had to be smart about it.
Hearing steps, I faced the door before relaxing as Maggie came into view. "Hey."
"Hey." She replied.
For a while she just walked with me, circling as we made sure we were still safe.
"Will you tell me your story?" She finally asked me.
I met her eyes, smiling, "Will you tell me yours?"
She smiled sadly at me, "You don't trust very easily do you?"
Laughing, I averted my eyes, "Maggie, it took me all of one second to agree to help save you and Glenn. I didn't hesitate. I didn't question. I just agreed. If that's not trust, I don't know what is. I simply don't divulge a lot of information about myself to people who may still kick me out."
"We're not kicking you out." She told me.
"You don't know that." I retorted. "Rick's in charge, right? What he says goes, right?"
"He's struggling right now."
"I know." I nodded. "I get it. I understand. That's why I'm not going to fight him. He's not in a good place. I know what that feels like."
There was a long pause before she spoke again, "Will you tell me your story?"
Laughing, I looked at her, "Why do you want to know?"
"Because everybody has one."
"It's not because you want a distraction from whatever happened to you in Woodbury?"
She smiled, "Maybe that too."
Laughing lightly, she moved to my side, "Okay." Taking a deep breath, I tried to decide where to start. "Want my story from before this started or the story that got me here?"
"Whatever you want to tell me."
Laughing, I shook my head, "I don't want to tell you anything." She looked at me sadly. "But if I want in and if you want me to tell you, than I will."
"I don't want to pressure you."
"Then I'd prefer to keep my story to myself."
"Why?" She asked. "Is it that bad?"
My expression turned dark as I looked at her, "I think I can focus better if I'm on my own."
She just smiled at me, "Too bad."
Remaining silent, I kept watching and circling. She did the same but I felt like she was watching me and not our surroundings. She was trying to figure me out. Trying to get me to say something that I just didn't. My beginning was…whatever…but what got me here was nothing I wanted to talk about. I didn't want to talk about the dead. I didn't want to relive that pain.
"I was a CVT in Atlanta." I told her softly. "I was born and raised in Minnesota but I got tired of the cold and I wanted a break from my parents."
"How come?"
I smirked at her, "Because they loved me too much."
"They were smothering you?"
"Yeah." I nodded. "I loved my parents but I needed a change. I needed to just go and be on my own. I wanted to know that I could do it. And I could." I smiled. "I ended up in Atlanta and found a clinic to work in that was more like a dysfunctional family. I loved it. I had friends. I had a nice apartment."
"No pets?"
I shook my head, "No." Sighing, I laughed a little. "I was dedicated and addicted to my work. I was there more often than not. It was a clinic and a boarding facility so there was always plenty to do. We had kennel attendants to deal with the boarders, but I picked up shifts or helped out when they needed it." I said and paused. "I loved what I did. It didn't pay much and it really is an underappreciated job, but I had a passion for it and I was happy with what I had."
"That's all anyone can ask for."
I nodded, "And then the world went to hell."
"Did you have a group?"
It took me a long moment to reply. Remembering. "No." I told her. "No, I – uh – I ran into a couple of my coworkers at the clinic when it started. I couldn't leave the animals in cages to starve to death."
"They didn't stick with you?"
"No. They were looting. So was I. My dad had tried to warm me about what was happening so I was slightly prepared. I was armed. I had a few days' worth of food and water." I paused. "When I was done with the animals I started to load up on everything I might need for first-aid or pain. Then we left." I told her. "My plan was to drive back up to Minnesota and join my family. But I obviously didn't make it. I drove until I ran out of gas."
"All alone?"
"No." I smiled.
Find me again, Linny. I'll be waiting for you.
I cleared my throat. "I found a companion. His name was Mozzie. He was a German Shepard that had been boarding at the clinic. He stuck with me when I escaped. But then – and now I'm…" I said trailing off.
"I'm sorry."
"Me too." I told her. "God I'm sorry. I'm sorry every fucking day. I'm sorry and I'm angry and I'm sad. He was my best friend. He protected me and kept me warm. He fought with me and made me laugh. He was such a good dog." Tears were coming again. "He was with me for months. We survived by scavenging. Eating the occasional squirrel and rabbit when he managed to catch one. He took care of me when I was at my lowest." I felt myself growing distant. "I was always the one taking care of people. I liked taking care of people. But Moz…he – he took care of me."
"I'm sorry." She replied.
Since I'd already started, the rest started to just pour out. "Then I met Ben," I said softly, her eyes moving to me, "and his daughter Hannah. She was five and she was beautiful. And Ben – he – he was pretty much the kindest man I'd ever met. He gave too much and asked for too little. He was a good person who had managed to stay hidden from the world." I paused thinking of the cabin. "He took me in when I tried so hard to not let him. He made me feel for him. It took months but I finally let him in and I fell in love with him. We were the perfect little family." I smiled, getting her to smile back at me. "For a while anyway. Our biggest argument was always what we would do if anyone showed up. I said kill them. He said give them a chance." Looking at her, I took a deep breath, "I've killed people, Maggie. It was always in self-preservation. But I wasn't going to risk Ben and Hannah."
"We've all done things." She told me gently.
"We have." I nodded. "Only then the day came when people showed up and they wanted what we had, and we had a lot. We had food and a home and animals and a garden. We had everything we needed and they wanted it. While I was fighting them, Ben was protecting Hannah inside the cabin. At some point, a fire started and it killed not only the people we were fighting against but Ben and Hannah as well. Mozzie was inside with them. All of them died in that fire."
"Linny." She said softly.
"I wasn't there and they died." I went on with anger. "I killed the people responsible and then I tried to run but I couldn't. The dead were coming and I was going to die. I wouldn't have cared but I was found by the Governor's men. I was brought to Woodbury and I was just so sad and angry all the time that I just kept killing. I didn't care who they were or what they did, if the Governor said they had to die than they died and I didn't think twice. I was actually starting to find pleasure in it." Scoffing, I shook my head, meeting her eyes. "Then Michonne and her friend showed up. I talked to her and she triggered something in me. I didn't want to be a killer. I wanted to be safe and happy like I was. I wanted to keep my promise." I said and paused, looking at my hands. "I wanted people who didn't ask me to kill. I didn't want to be a murderer anymore. I just wanted to feel better!" I yelled. "I just wanted to feel better. And something about her made me feel better and I knew that I had to get out of there. So I did. And now I'm here."
"I am so, so sorry." She told me, tears in her eyes.
Straightening, I pushed all my emotion down, "Yeah, well, shit happens and I guess we just have to move on from it. Otherwise it'll just haunt us."
"Is it haunting you?" She asked.
I met her eyes, "Every damn day."
She stepped closer to me, putting her arm around me. "You're accepted, Caroline." She told me, making me tense. "You're also forgiven." She added, making my emotions push back. "You need to forgive yourself. Bad things happen and people react differently. Shutting down is easy. Facing it is the hard part. But you're strong and you can handle it. Just face it."
Sighing, I leaned my head against hers, "Thank you."
We just stood there for a long time, not saying anything. I had nothing left to say and I didn't want to hear about what happened to her. I didn't want to know what she had lost or who. I didn't want to think about any of it. I just wanted to forget and move on. Carrying Ben and Hannah and Mozzie was getting so exhausting. But being here, helping these people, it was slowly lifting the burden of them. I never wanted them to be a burden and despite Maggie telling me to forgive myself, I didn't think I ever could. It was still my fault that they were dead. It was still all on me.
"I've lost everything." I whispered, not even meaning to say it out loud.
Maggie simply whispered back, "Now you've found something."
Turning, I wrapped my arms around her neck, shaking and silently crying as I hugged her as tightly as possible. "Thank you."
"Thank you, Linny." She told me. "You're accepted. You're home."
Laughing, I leaned away from her, wiping the tears. "You don't even know me."
"I can tell you're a good person. Don't fight it. You're one of us now."
"And Michonne?"
She nodded. "Her too."
Nodding, I hugged her again, "I hope you don't mind reminding me of that every once in a while. I'm kind of broken."
"Not at all." She told me. "You may be broken but now you've got us to help put the pieces back together."
I let her go again, my emotions under control, "There are a lot of them."
She simply smiled at me, "I like a challenge."
Laughing, I nodded at her, once again looking out at the prison yard. Taking a deep breath, the sweet air filled my lungs and for a moment everything seemed right in the world. It may have only lasted that one moment, but it was something. It was a start. But all my anger and depression was just under the surface, hidden from plain sight but able to be reached at any moment. But I would need my anger before too long. When the Governor arrived I was ready to give him all I got. I would help Glenn plan and fortify this place. I would protect it just as I should have protected the cabin and my family.
God help anyone who tried to take it from me.
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