Chapter Twenty-four: Separated
Run. Keep running. It was all we could do to stay ahead of them. We ran as fast as we could for as long as we could. Only, we got winded. They didn't. Soon our breathing grew labored and our legs felt like they were turning to Jell-O. To top it off, we were starting to smell just as bad as the dead. Something that might actually benefit us. Our bodies were covered blood and guts. It seemed as if for every walker we killed three more would appear. We had attempted to take to the trees and let them just pass us by but it wasn't working. Their numbers simply grew and we had no choice but to get back onto the ground and keep running. It was exhausting.
"I can't run any more." Ray told me, taking heaving breaths as she shook next to me, both of us on our knees.
"I know, sweetie, but we gotta go." I told her.
"I can't, Linny." She cried.
Looking over my shoulder there were easily a dozen still moving toward us. Putting my hand against her shoulder, I got to my feet, "We don't have a choice."
Pulling her onto her feet, we started to move again. Walking as quickly as we could, they seemed to be gaining ground. If only we could find a road or a sign of our family. But there had been nothing. It made me terrified that the worst had happened. We didn't see anyone escape but we also hadn't seen any bodies. They were alive. They had to be.
It was a few hours later when we finally stopped. The woods were quiet and for now we appeared to be alone. Falling to our knees, Ray fell to her stomach, crying into the ground. Putting my hand against her back, it only fueled her tears.
"Quiet, Ray. We don't want to attract anything." I told her softly.
She nodded and pushed herself onto her knees, looking at me, "What are we gonna do?"
"I don't know." I told her. "We just need to keep going and we need to find Rick and the others."
"What if they're dead?" She asked.
"They're not dead." I frowned at her. "They got out of there."
She nodded, "I know you care about Rick but, what are the chances that he made it?"
"What are the chances that we made it?" I frowned harder. "They aren't dead, Ray. I won't believe it until I see it."
"Okay." She told me.
"Get up." I commanded. "We need to keep moving. Find a road or anything that will lead us to our family."
She nodded and got up. We walked until the sun started to set, telling me that we needed to make camp before we lost enough light to see by. Stopping Ray, meeting her eyes, she nodded and we started to look for anything that might keep us covered or at least offer a way to detect if they were getting close.
"We have nothing to use as an alarm system." Ray stated when we'd both failed at coming up with something.
"I know." I shot at her.
"Then what should we do?" She asked. Looking at her, I sighed, shrugging before I looked up into the trees. "Seriously?"
"It's the only fool proof thing I can think of." I told her.
"It already failed." She replied.
"I know!" I yelled at her. "I know, Ray! I do. I know that it failed. But I am lost on what to do next. Our home has been destroyed. Hershel – Hershel is dead. Our family is scattered and we aren't doing very well."
"I need you to tell me what to do!" She yelled at me. "You've done this before. You've lived in the woods. You know how to survive."
Tears sprang to my eyes and I shifted back and forth as I shook my head at her, "I don't know what to do this time, Ray. I just – I don't know what to do."
She was to me faster than I thought she could be. "Get a grip, Caroline!"
Scoffing, I paced away from her, "Is it so hard to you to get that I don't always have the answers? I'm not god, Ray! I don't have all the answers and we have nothing. Nothing." She just looked at me. "Look, we're both exhausted. Night is coming and we need to find a tree that will allow us to get some sleep. We'll take shifts."
She was mad at me. I couldn't blame her and yet I needed her to support me right now. I was hurt and scared and I didn't have all the answers. I wanted to find Rick and the others. I wanted to keep moving until we found somebody. Anybody. But so far that wasn't happening. We had each other and we had no idea how long we would be on our own. We couldn't fight each other. Not now. Not if we wanted to survive.
Sitting around the small fire, my shoulder was dully throbbing, shooting off sharp pains if I attempted to move it too much. Ray was sitting across from me, her face sullen, emotion filling her eyes. I didn't know what to say to her. We were stuck out here and I had no idea what we going to do. I needed to find Rick. I needed to find Michonne. Daryl. Maggie and Glenn. I needed my family.
"What are we gonna do, Linny?" She asked softly.
"I don't know." I replied.
There was a short pause before she repeated, "What are we gonna do?"
"I don't know, Ray." I shot at her. "I already told you. I don't have all the answers."
We were both quiet and for a long time we just stared at the fire. I'd already found a tree that looked wide enough to make falling off unlikely. Making the decision, I told her to keep the fire going while I attempted to find us something to eat. Moving as silently as possible, I came across a few rabbits but they moved too quickly for me. Looking up, a squirrel was pitching a fit, its tail going crazy as he chattered at me. Taking out my knife, I gripped the blade, staring up at it. It wasn't as afraid as it should be. Tossing it, it grazed the animal's rear, sending it to the ground but didn't kill it. Racing after it, I slid from side to side, slamming into the ground more often than I would have liked, finally gripping it. It gnawed violently on the outside of my wrist before I gripped its head and snapped its neck.
Sitting on my heels, I held it in my hands, tears once again in my eyes. My shoulder was screaming and all I could think about was Rick and Daryl. The days spent with snares or hunting. I knew what to do but without them I just felt a little defeated and helpless. I knew what I needed to do and I had to get over it and be what I needed to be for Ray. Taking a deep breath, attempting to will the pain away, I searched for my knife, finally finding it before I returned to Ray.
"I was getting worried." She told me anxiously. "Thought you might have left me."
"Never, sweetie." I frowned, going to her. "I will never leave you."
She nodded, "Okay."
Pressing a kiss into her hair, I set to finding sticks to cook the squirrel on. As soon as I had, I skinned it, cleaning it out before skewering it onto the stick. It seemed to take forever for the small mammal to cook. I turned it and check it and would have eaten it raw had I not been worried about the ramifications. When it was finally done, I ripped it in half, giving the bigger end to Ray. She simply smiled and took it.
"This reminds me of the summers my family and I rented cabins on the lake." I told her. "We made s'mores every night."
"I don't like marshmallows." Ray stated.
"Me, neither." I replied. "But it was still nice." She nodded. "What about you? Did your family make s'mores?"
"No." She replied. "I was spoiled and ungrateful. Even when the world fell apart I made my parents feel guilty. It got my father killed. Then my mother." She scoffed and looked at me. "I'll probably get you killed, too."
"No, you won't." I smiled at her. "You're stuck with me for a good long while."
She smiled and nodded, "Thank you."
"You're welcome."
"No, really, Linny." She said making me look at her. "Thank you. You saved me. You've taken care of me. I didn't think I'd ever have that. Not in a motherly type way."
"I know." I smiled. "But you do, Ray. You have me. And I'm not going to let anything happen to you." The air between us felt better.
"How's your shoulder?" She asked.
"It's fine." I lied, forcing a small smile for her. "You worked a miracle on it."
She scoffed and shook her head, but she smiled at me, "I'm just awesome like that."
Laughing lightly, I nodded, "You really are."
"You should sleep." She replied.
"There is no way in hell I am sleeping. You go ahead." I replied.
"You've been up for hours."
"I know."
"So sleep."
"You sound like Rick." I smirked.
"He's a smart man." She replied. I nodded, swallowing a lump in my throat. "He's okay, Linny. He'll be okay. We'll find him."
I nodded, "I know."
"You don't." She nodded. "But you can't grieve him yet. You don't know that he's dead. He's just…lost. We all are."
I couldn't help the tears in my eyes, smiling at her, "I want to be found."
Dropping my head into my hand, I started to cry. I wanted to be strong. I wanted to show her that everything was going to be okay. But I couldn't. Not right now. I just needed a moment of weakness. Hearing her move, she sat next to me, wrapping her arm around me, and gently rubbed my back as I cried. It didn't take long for her cries to join mine as she pressed her face into my shoulder.
When I finally calmed down, I wrapped my arm around her, letting her cry. She eventually fell asleep and I sat there, listening for trouble, hoping to give her a least a few hours before I was forced to wake her. It was well into the night when she woke up, both of us moving to the tree I had decided to sleep in. Climbing into its branches, I laid across a branch on my stomach, Ray sitting with her back against the trunk of it. Watching her briefly, I shut my eyes, swiftly falling asleep.
Waking up, I felt rested. There I had been no nightmares and there was something familiar and comforting about sleeping in a tree. I'd done plenty of that when I had been on my own. Hoisting Moz up with me. He was better at moving from branch to branch than I was. He was amazing. Remembering him was comforting. He had been such a good dog.
Sitting up, I stretched, reaching my arms high above my head. My shoulder complained but it didn't hurt as bad as it had last night. Smiling, feeling pretty damn good, I turned, opening my mouth to say something to Ray, only to find her gone. Frowning, I looked in every direction, listening, but there was nothing.
Dropping from the tree, I looked at the ground, searching for the direction she may have gone. Squatting, I shifted leaves, smiling before moving away from our little camp. Finding a stream, I saw a foot impression on the other side. Kneeling, I drank my fill, splashing water on my face and neck. Submerging my hand in the water, I didn't remove it until it was turning numb, putting it against my shoulder. There was a lot of heat and it felt so fucking good. Doing it twice more, I finally stood and jumped to the other side, continuing to follow my kid.
Hearing something, I stopped, listening. It was running. Definitely running. Turning toward the sound, Ray was rushing toward me, terror written across her face. Frowning, I started to rush toward her, only she raised her hand to stop me. Skidding to a stop, there was a raspy sound, making me pull my knife free.
"What the hell, Ray?" I asked her softly.
"I found a hoard." She replied, pulling on me.
"Let go, let go, let go." I told her as quietly as possible. She did. "Bad shoulder." I frowned.
"Sorry." She replied.
"It's fine." I stated. "Let's just get out of here."
Running, the sounds weren't going away. The walkers were everywhere. I hadn't heard anything. Nothing had happened that would draw them together. It didn't make any sense. But here we were, running through an ever shrinking pathway of walkers, seeing them closing in. Running faster, both of us were breathing hard, my legs already burning.
"We're not gonna make it." Ray said with fear.
"Yes we are." I told her with determination.
Feeling fingers against my shoulder, I spun, stabbing it without losing a step. Passing behind Ray, I stabbed another one, making sure she wasn't touched. Darting back and forth, I made sure Ray was safe from the danger that was starting to come at us from all sides. Seeing a break in the hoard, I gripped her, practically yanking her off her feet. Sprinting forward, we both felt air as we found ourselves running downhill. Scrambling up the other side, I knew that they would be behind us but the hill would slow them down. Running further, the woods were starting to grow quiet, finally making us slow and stop. Both of us bent over, our hands on our knees as we took deep breaths.
Looking at her, I started to laugh, "We fucking made it out of there."
She laughed with me, "Honestly didn't see that happening."
We laughed louder before we started to move. Only then something caught my eye, making me freeze. "Ray."
"What?" She said and started to look around.
It was as if everything was moving in slow motion. The walkers weaving in and out of the trees. Passing in and out of sight like ghosts. "Ray."
"Linny." She said and I could see the panic on her face.
"Run." I said, pushing her as we started to move.
Racing through the trees, something felt different about this. Why the hell was there so many of them? Was it because of the prison? Had what happened drawn so much attention? I thought we'd outrun the hoard. There was a break. Nothing about this made any sense. They never swarmed like this. They didn't gather on things. Something happened. Something else happened and that was why they were here. There was no other explanation. None.
"Linny." Ray said with panic in her eyes.
"Get down!" I yelled, swinging my knife as she dropped to the ground, slicing into a walker head. Gripping her, I practically tossed her away from me. "Run, Ray!"
"Linny, no!" Ray yelled as she got to her feet.
I stabbed several walkers before I faced her, "Get out of here!"
"Not without you!" She yelled.
I cut down more, turning to her, "Please, Ray. Live!"
Looking at her for only a second, I focused on the walkers again, knowing that this was the moment where I would die. I kept thinking of Rick, hating myself for never kissing him. God how I wish I'd just kissed him. But now I would never know what it felt like. But Ray would be alive. She would tell him. Just for a moment I could imagine her alive and having found out family, smiling and happy and safe. That was all I really wanted.
In the last second, my shoulder was grabbed and I was yanked backward, falling hard. Screaming as pain shot through my arm, I watched as Ray stabbed a walker, terror filling me as I watched a walker bite into her shoulder. Screaming in agony, I got to my feet, my arm nearly being bitten before I yanked it back.
"Ray!" I screamed.
She turned her head and looked at me, blood spilling from her, a smile on her face, "Find him, Linny. Be happy. God knows you deserve it."
"Ray!" I screamed.
"Go, Linny." She said as another started to tear into her neck. "RUN!"
Getting to my feet, I staggered backward, darting around a few walkers before I sprinted away from her. There was no sound coming behind me. She didn't scream. She didn't say anything. Running, my breathing loud in my ears, I wanted to stop and cry and scream but I couldn't get my legs to stop moving. One step after another I just kept running and running and running. There was nothing I could do. It should have been me. I should have died. It should have been me. It was supposed to be me.
Finally stopping, fell to my knees, I screamed on the top of my lungs. Screaming until it felt like my throat was tearing in two. Screaming until no sound would come out of my mouth. She was gone. Ray was gone. My kid was gone. I was supposed to watch over her. I was supposed to protect her. I promised her mother that I would. I was willing to give my life to make sure that she kept hers but…she didn't let me. She should have let me. There were so many things we never said. Things that I should have told her, taught her, showed her. There was supposed to be more time.
Sobbing, I fell to the side, curling into myself as grief once again folded me in its tight embrace. Filling my entire being as I grieved the loss of someone I loved. I loved her. She may have driven me crazy but that was family. She was family and now she was gone. I was once again lying on the ground, waiting for death to take me. Once again not caring if I lived or died. Death was the easy way out. There were better ways to make me suffer. Let me get bit. Let me turn.
Crying myself to sleep, I woke up shuddering, night having fallen around me. Uncurling myself, my body ached. Rolling onto my back, I stared at the sky, tears filling and falling from the corners of my eyes. Forcing myself to get up, my shoulder was throbbing, my head once again pounding, my chest feeling tight and painful. I felt like shit. The worst part was that I was utterly alone.
I was alone.
Starting to move, I staggered forward, not able to see anything. If a walker came for me now than I would be done for. I was almost wishing for it to happen. End my misery. End the curse of everyone I've ever cared about getting hurt because of me. I knew that it wasn't me but I still seemed to be more unscathed then them. Where was everyone? Why couldn't I just wake up from this nightmare? I would give anything to just go back to my boring little life in my boring little apartment and my underappreciated job. I just wanted to rewind time. I was okay with being alone then. I thrived on being alone. But now? I hated it. I couldn't stand how alone I felt. I had a family. I had found people who I loved who loved me back. I had people and now I had no one.
I had no one.
When dawn broke, I was still moving, staggering forward, shifting from side to side. It took several minutes to realize that I wasn't alone. Walkers were flanking me on both sides, behind me, and in front of me. There were few enough that I felt like I could get out of here if I needed to. If I wanted to. But I didn't want to. I simply kept walking, even bumping into a few as we all swerved in and out of the trees. I must have looked and smelled horrible if I was still alive. I didn't feel alive.
Stopping at a stream, I started to drink from it. I was thirsty and my body was running on autopilot, making me do things that didn't matter to me. Life. Death. None of it mattered anymore. Sitting on my heels, I was staring at my reflection. I really did look like hell. Blood and body parts were covering me. My hair was crusty and greasy and gross. My eyes looked sunken. I was so sick of looking like I had more in common with the dead than the living. Sighing, I glanced up, doing a double take as I saw someone standing across from me.
"Michonne?" I frowned, not sure if I was hallucinating or not.
"Caroline?" She replied as if thinking the same thing as me.
Then I was moving, stumbling in the stream, falling into it before I managed to make it across, staggering to my feet and threw my arms around her neck. We both started to sob, gripping each other as tightly as possible. Pulling her away from me, I took her head in my hands, just staring at her.
"I thought you were dead." She told me.
Laughing lightly, I nodded, "I did, too. But I hoped that you and the others made it out of there." She nodded. "Have you been alone this whole time?"
She nodded again, "I found tracks but I didn't follow them."
"When?" I asked frantically. "Where?"
"A side road a ways back." She replied. "Have you been alone?" Tears started to flow again as I shook my head at her. "Rick?" She asked. I shook my head. "Ray?" I nodded. "Where is she?" I just shook my head and started to sob again.
She wrapped her arms around me, hugging me as tightly as humanly possible. When walkers started to notice us, she wrapped her arm around my waist and started to lead me in a different direction. Following her, I still felt very detached from the world, stumbling more often than not.
The sun had barely started to go down when she stopped, looking around for a place to camp. Frowning, I watched her, trying to figure out what she might be thinking. There was a lot of day left and if she had found tracks I wanted to get to our family as soon as possible. We didn't have time to stop.
"What are you doing?" I asked her.
"You need to rest." She told me.
"I'll rest when we find the others." I frowned at her. "We need to keep moving."
She looked at me with a sad expression. "Caroline, you just lost your kid. You need to rest."
"She wanted me to run!" I yelled at her. "She wanted me to find Rick!"
"Linny." She said sadly. I was shaking and tears were falling down my cheeks again. "Let's just stop. We'll find them in the morning."
Nodding, I dropped in front of a tree, leaning against it. Staring at her as she made a small fire, I was so happy to see her and yet all I could think of was Ray. She had been trying to help and now she was dead. Her only mistake was running into too many walkers and the result was death. She was dead.
"It should have been me." I whispered to myself though it was out loud. "It should have been me."
Michonne stepped up to me, taking my hands, "Caroline."
I lifted my eyes and met hers, "It should have been me, Michonne. I was ready to die. I was going to save her but she wouldn't let me."
She smiled, running her hand down my hair. "She saved you instead."
I furrowed my brows at her, "It should have been me."
"She wouldn't have wanted that. You were everything to her." She replied.
"And she wasn't everything to me." I frowned at her. "She wasn't, Michonne. I have you and Rick and Maggie and Daryl. I have people but she only had me. She died for me."
"You would have died for her." Michonne replied sadly. "You would of."
"Would you have looked after her?" I asked.
"Of course." She told me.
I nodded, "She shouldn't have done what she did."
Michonne just sighed, running her hand down my hair. Lowering my eyes, I simply stared at the ground. She shouldn't have died for me. She was just a child. I'd lived. I'd fought and I was ready to die for her. Instead she made a rash and stupid decision. She killed herself to spare me. Why would she do that?
Find him, Linny. Be happy.
She thought I deserved it. I didn't deserve it. Not if this was the cost. She deserved it. She'd been through so much. She was the one who deserved happiness. I had been so hard on her, wanting her to be able to survive in this world. I wanted her to survive. I'd done my part. I'd already survived. I passed it on. She could have lived. But she didn't. She died.
"Here." Michonne said holding out a piece of the squirrel she'd just cooked. I shook my head at her. "Linny, you need to eat something. Build up your strength." I shook my head again. "She would want you to eat."
Meeting her eyes for a long moment, I finally nodded and took the food, eating it slowly. We were quiet after that. She ate and kept watch, letting me doze in and out, unable to stay asleep for very long. It was late when I finally stood and told her to get some sleep. She didn't hesitate, trusting me enough to shut her eyes and relax. She shouldn't. I couldn't be trusted. All I did was bring death to the people in my life.
Pacing, I was finally starting to piss myself off. It wasn't my fault. I had no control over the walkers or those who came to destroy us. I didn't let her wander off and lead those walkers back to us. I didn't have any power and yet I still felt like it was my fault. I should have done more. I should have been more prepared. I should have. I just – I just should have.
Waking Michonne as soon as it was light enough to see our surroundings, we started to move again. Not saying anything, Michonne was itching to break the silence. All I wanted to do was find Rick. He was my focus now. Ray was gone. I had Michonne. The next person I needed was Rick. Along with Carl and Judith. I needed to find him. I needed him. I needed them.
"What happened, Linny?" She finally asked me.
"No, Michonne." I frowned at her.
"Please?"
"Why?" I shot at her. "Why do you want to know? She's dead. It happened. It should have been me. What else is there to say?"
"It might help." She stated.
"No." I told her, shaking my head. "Just…no."
"Okay." She nodded at me. "I'm here whenever you're ready."
"I know." I told her, softening my tone. "I know you are, Michonne. Just like I'm here for you if you need anything."
"I know." She smiled.
Smiling back, I nodded at her, gently nudging her. "Thanks."
She led me back to the road where she'd seen the tracks. Both of us took them in, looking at each other before starting to follow them. Now that we had purpose, I was focusing so hard on finding them, picking up the pace as we kept moving. Both of us had our eyes on the ground, making sure we were still on track. Up ahead, there was a strip of houses, making me practically start to run, finding a giant can of chocolate pudding lying in the road. Picking it up, it was empty.
"They're here." I said and rushed to the house closest to me.
"Linny."
"Look." I told her.
Moving from house to house, we peered inside hoping with all of us to find our family. Feeling discouraged, I turned to look at Michonne, seeing her standing in front of a window, grinning and crying. My stomach turned and then I was moving. Rushing to her, I practically ran into her as I looked inside, seeing both Rick and Carl. Immediately starting to cry, I threw my arms around her neck, laughing and sobbing before going to the door. She beat me to it, knocking on it lightly. It took a long moment, hearing things being moved before the door opened. Carl immediately had his arms around Michonne, hugging her tightly. Then his eyes were on me. Grinning at him, he simply nodded and looked back inside.
"It's for you, too." He told his father.
There was a long pause before Rick stepped into view, meeting my eyes.
"Hi, Rick." I beamed at him.