Beautiful Disaster

by My Writing Is This

The dead were walking and surviving was imperative. Caroline had hit the ground running. She tried to never look back. She was alone for too long. Learning to live and love again wasn't easy. People still mattered. Many would come in and out of her life and not all was as it seemed. She had to learn to be a person again and to find her place. And the one she was meant to be with.

33. Before Part II

Chapter Thirty-three: Before Part 2

Weeks had gone by. We were officially out of gas, food, but were surprisingly lucky with our water supply. It was amazing how fast time went even though there was nothing to do. No job. No home. No car. Nothing like the world we used to live in. Only, nothing had turned into walking and surviving. Sean and I never made it out of the state. Things hadn't gone our way from the start. We had run into a herd of the dead that made us take alternate roads that led us in a big circle. We ran into a few people, some who wanted to help and others that wanted to hurt. In the end, we ended up on our own in the woods. We knew that anywhere populated would bring us closer to the dead. The woods seemed safer, coming across fewer numbers of both the living and the dead. Not to mention that there were plenty of places to hide.

"Orion." I pointed as we lay under the stars.

"Big Dipper."

"Little Dipper."

"And," He replied, "that is pretty much all the constellations I know." Then he laughed and looked at me.

Laughing, I nodded, "Me, too." Rolling over, I put my hand against his face, rubbing his cheek as I stared into his eyes. "I can't be sad that the world has ended when I get to spend it with you."

He laughed and brought my face to his, kissing me deeply and passionately. "I have wanted this since the second I laid eyes on you."

Smiling, I brushed my nose against his, "What took you so long?"

"I was trying to be faithful to my wife."

"Then she was the one who left you."

"And I was free to leave and find you."

Grinning down at him, I kissed him repeatedly. Reaching for his pants, about to show him a good time, there was the rattling of cans and my head jerked up toward the sound. Pushing against his chest, I got up and picked up the knife that was next to me. Moving toward the trap, I could hear it. I didn't hesitate to stab it through its head, shoving it away from me. Making sure the line was intact; I went back to Sean, cleaning my blade before dropping onto my stomach next to him.

"You're getting good at that." He commented.

"I have to be. We have to be." I replied. "There are no second chances with the dead. You have one chance. I'm not going to die and become one of them. I'm not going to let you. So I will master the knife and the gun and whatever else I have to in order to keep us alive."

"You're kind of amazing." He smiled, trailing his fingers across my arm.

"Thank you." I smiled. "I am aware but it's nice to hear."

"I think you're better than me."

I rested my arm on his chest, leaning against him, "You've taught me a lot about surviving out here. Thanks to you I think we'll survive this apocalypse and help repopulate it when it's over."

Laughing, he pulled me tight against him, "I'd follow you anywhere, Caroline."

"Good." I said and kissed him. "I'd follow you anywhere, too."

Falling asleep, we had not only the can alarm system but Mozzie was more than affective at letting us know when danger was near. He made it okay to fall asleep even though we were in the open. He made a lot of things easier. He helped us find and catch food. He could smell out nearby water sources. If any of us were amazing it would be him. Together we all made a very affective team.

When morning came, we packed up, checked the snares from overnight, and headed on our way. We were lucky enough to have caught three rabbits and the meat would keep our stomachs full for at least a few days. As long as we didn't get too carried away. Rationing was hard when you were used to eating what you wanted when you wanted. It was hard to adjust knowing that you could literally starve to death if you weren't careful.

"What I wouldn't give for a big, cheesy pizza right now." I told him as we walked.

"Beer." He replied. "I want an ice cold beer and an oversized comfy chair."

Moaning with longing, I nodded at him, "And cheese popcorn."

He laughed, "You and your damn cheese popcorn obsession."

"I'm sorry." I told him. "It's just so damn delicious."

Hearing cracking of sticks, Mozzie's hackles rose and we pulled out our knives. Hearing the first sound of the dead, there was only one. Looking at each other, we moved on. One wasn't enough to make us to go out of our way for. One you could escape and it wasn't worth the risk of something happening.

"After we're done refilling, I think we should find shelter for the night." He told me as he squatted at the stream.

"There's a few hours of daylight left." I replied.

He nodded, "I know. But I'm ready to stop for the day. It's not like we have a destination in mind."

I couldn't argue with that. "Someday we'll come across a place we can call home. We should just make a cabin out here. We could build four walls that would protect us."

He smiled, "Would you like that?"

I smiled and nodded, "I would like that. I'd like that very much."

"And just be with me for the rest of your life?" He asked. "You don't think you want to find a group of people that we could call family?"

"That would be nice, too." I told him. "But at the end of the day, all I really need is you." Then Mozzie was pressing against me, asking for attention. "Yes, of course. You, too." Petting him, I looked at Sean who was giving me quite the adoring look. "What?"

"Why couldn't I have met you years ago?" He asked. "I would have gotten out of my marriage, been with you, and we would have been together a lot longer."

"I don't know." I told him. "I'm just happy it happened. Every day with you feels like we've been together forever. And I'm happy."

"Me, too." He said and pulled me to him, kissing me deeply. "You make me happy."

Grinning, we continued to kiss until Mozzie started to give his own, making us separate. Finding a spot that would do well for camp, we set up the traps, started a small fire, set the rabbits to cook, and sat on our blanket. I was between his legs and he was holding me tight against him. I felt like I could fall asleep, safe and happy in his arms. Only then Mozzie started to growl. It wasn't a walker kind of growl but a human one.

"Well, well, well, what do we have here?" A man's voice spoke from behind us.

We looked up but before we could do or say anything, we were both grabbed, being hoisted onto our feet before being forced onto our knees. A rope had been thrown over Mozzie's neck, making him bark and flail before one of the men managed to pin him to the ground. There were five of them, four men and one woman. They looked like they'd seen better days but they were bulky enough, and the woman was smiling a knowing smile.

"Sean." I said softly.

"It's okay." He replied.

"Is it though?" The man spoke again. He was young and looked like he used a lot of drugs in his day, but he looked strong. "Is it okay? I'm thinking the opposite might be more accurate."

"What do you want?" I asked him with as much bravery as I could muster.

"You two appear to have been quite lucky. You have food and water. Weapons. A fucking dog for protection." He replied. "I'd say you two are very well off."

"If you promise not to hurt us, we'll share what we have." Sean told him.

The man looked at his comrades. "Yeah, you see, that's not really how we do things. In this world, there isn't a whole lot of sharing. You take so you can survive. Kill or be killed."

"You don't have to kill us." I stated quickly.

"You're right." He nodded. "I don't think I do. You seem like decent people so I think I'll let you live. However, you'll have to work hard since we're going to take all your shit."

"You don't have to –"

I was cut off as I was hit over the head. Falling forward, Mozzie was barking frantically and Sean kept saying my name. Only then there was a grunt, the sound of laughter, and before everything fell away, there was the sound of a thud as he fell next to me.

When I woke up, I was still on my stomach. It took my vision a long moment to gain focus and with it came the sound of walkers. I could see them ahead of me and above me, lifting my head, there was easily a half dozen surrounding us.

"Sean." I said rushing to his side. "Baby." He was on his stomach and I swiftly rolled him over. "Sean." I said with my hand against his face. Leaning down, I started to shake when I felt no air against my cheek. "Sean!" Putting my head against his chest, there was no sound. "No, no, please."

Swiftly starting CPR, I looked around me as I compressed his chest. Everything was gone. Breathing into him, I kept going. The food was gone. The blanket. Mozzie. Everything. They'd taken everything. I breathed into him again. What had they done to him? What were they going to do to Mozzie?

"Sean!" I yelled, breathing for him again. "Please." I said taking his face in my hands. Starting compressions again, he coughed and rolled toward me. "Thank God." I said putting my hands on him. "You're okay."

"What the hell?" He said as he rolled onto his back again.

"Sean." I said taking his face in my hands.

"Are you okay?" He asked.

Smiling, I nodded at him, leaning down and kissed him deeply, "Baby, are you okay?"

"Yeah." He said and sat up. Sitting on my heels, I held onto him as he looked around. "It's all gone."

"It's all gone." I confirmed. He leaned against my shoulder, resting his head. "We're gonna be okay."

"Thank you." He told me, meeting my eyes.

I smiled with tears in my eyes, "I wouldn't make it long without you."

He smiled, brushing my bangs out of my eyes, "You would."

"You don't get to die."

"Neither do you." He smiled and then kissed me.

Taking a deep breath, I let it out slowly, telling him, "We should move."

"Yeah." He said looking at the dead. "What are we gonna do about them?"

Picking up a rock, I launched it at one of the dead, hitting it square in the face. There was a crunching and wet sound as it slumped over the trap line. "What we have to do." I replied.

Tossing a few more rocks, I cleared our way, helping him onto his feet as we started to move again. Keeping him going for as long as I could, when we finally stopped to rest, he leaned against a tree while I stayed standing, scanning every direction for humans and walkers alike.

"Caroline, you need to rest." He told me.

"No, I don't." I replied without looking at him.

"Baby." He said getting me to look at him. "Come here." He added, holding his hand out to me.

Sighing, I took his hand and he pulled me down into his lap. Straddling it, I took his head in my hands, pressing my forehead against his. "Are you still feeling okay?"

He smiled, "My chest hurts a little where the love of my life saved me, but other than that I feel fine."

Laughing lightly, I started to kiss him, leaning as far into him as I could, "I love you."

"You are by far my most favorite person." He whispered.

Grinning, I was kissing him again, "And you're mine."

Walking till the sun started to set, we made camp as best we could. Making a small fire, Sean laid by it, letting out a heavy sigh. Smiling at him, I sat next to him, refusing to lie down despite how hard he was trying to make me. I was too anxious to sleep and I had an overwhelming need to never sleep again.

---

Staying awake all night, watching him sleep, nothing happened. There were no dead and no living. When the sun was up, I gently woke Sean, wanting him to sleep and yet felt the need to keep moving. Maybe we'd luck out and find a hunting shack or something. Anything to give us a sense of security.

"Did you sleep at all?" He asked me as we walked.

"No." I told him. "But I feel good. I'm okay."

He sighed and pulled me against his side, "You're not. That's two nights now."

"I know. And I am." I said looking up at him. "As long as we both stay breathing, I'll stay awake for as long as I have to."

"Tonight you sleep. In fact, it's nearly midday, we should stop and you can get an hour or two."

"No." I told him.

"Don't be stubborn about this." He told me kindly as he pressed a kiss against my shoulder. "Please, baby." Meeting his eyes, he kissed me deeply, "Please?"

Sighing, I nodded, making him pull me in front of him, kissing me properly. "I love you."

"I love you." He replied. "Now rest. It's my turn to keep watch."

"Okay." I smiled.

Lying down at the base of a tree, I tucked my arm underneath my head, watching him for a few minutes before I fell asleep. It felt so good to sleep. This new world offered little in the sleep department and now that the living had become as bad as the dead, it made me never want to sleep again. But I trusted him. I trusted him with my life.

"Caroline!" My name was screamed.

Slowly waking up, I cracked my eyes open, nearly coming face to face with a walker. Scrambling up, I fell backward, seeing walkers moving all around us. Looking at Sean, he had a rock in his hand, beating them as best he could. Getting to my feet, I grabbed the nearest rock, darting to his side, slamming it into the face of a walker that was about to bite him, I took his hand and started to pull him forward.

"Run!" He said as he took the lead, my hand firmly in his.

Moving past a set of trees, several walkers seemed to appear out of nowhere. Leaping backward out of the reach of one, I spun, hitting the temple of another with the rock. It fell and didn't get back up. Turning yet again, I gasped with how close the walker was, pushing against it as it took me to the ground. My hands were slipping against it, blood covering nearly all the skin I could see. I cried out as my hand slipped, only then there was another between us, forcing it back. It turned its head and then I heard Sean scream.

"No!" I screamed as I shoved it away from him. He fell to his knees, gripping his shoulder. "Get up." I said as I took his head in my hands. "Get up, Sean."

"Go, Linny." He smiled at me.

"Get up!" I screamed before pulling on him.

He got up and I put his arm around me, running. The dead were coming but we still had the advantage of speed. Stumbling, I jerked left before falling to the right, taking us both down a hill, landing in a stream. It was deeper than it looked, slipping and falling, being moved downstream before finally making it to the other side. Clambering up the embankment, I helped Sean, once again putting his arm over my shoulders before keeping us moving.

"Caroline, I need to stop." He told me, falling to his knees.

"Sean." I said with panic, looking around as I dropped to my knees in front of him. "We need to find shelter."

"I'm a dead man." He told me. "We both know it."

My shaking all but subsided. Glaring at him, I took his head in my hands, "You're not dead yet. Now move."

He smiled and nodded, using my shoulders to get back onto his feet. Moving forward we were both breathing hard, pushing ourselves as hard as we could. When the sun was getting low, and the woods became dark, I was starting to feel the fatigue and I was thinking far too much about the bite that was inflicted against the man I loved.

"There." He said pointing off. "Do you see that?"

Following his line of sight, I sighed, "Thank God."

Staggering forward, he let me go, leaning against the side of the shack as I searched for a decent sized rock. As soon as I found one, I looked at Sean, taking a deep breath, letting it out slowly as I slammed it against the door. No sound came but that didn't mean anything. Throwing the door open, I rushed in, the rock held high. Looking around, seeing a cot, an old worn table, and a few random items in the corner, I swiftly walked out, gripping Sean and helped him inside. There was a blanket on the cot and I swiftly set him down onto it.

"I'll find some water." I told him, running my hand down the side of his face. "Use the blanket for now. I'll start a fire when I get back."

"Linny." He said gripping my hand.

"Linny?" I smirked at him.

"Yeah." He said softly.

"Since when do you call me Linny?"

He smiled sheepishly, "It's what I call you in my dreams."

Smiling, I knelt, moving between his legs. Taking his head in my hands, I started to kiss him, loving him with all of me. In the next second he gripped me, swiftly laying me on my back. The heat between us rose so fast, everything but him seeming to blur. His hand reached for my pants, mine doing the same. All our clothes were lost and he made love to me with more passion than I'd ever felt before. Every inch of me was on fire, even though blood was dripping onto my shoulder from his. Kissing him as deeply and as passionately as possible, I flew higher than I ever had before, squeezing him as we arched together, moaning with pleasure before we started to come down.

"I love you more than anything." He told me with his lips against mine.

"I love you more than anything, too." I replied, running my hands up and down his chest, trailing my finger through the hair of it. Though a wave of sadness moved over me. "I can't lose you. I won't survive without you."

"You will." He smiled at me. "You will, baby. You're going to survive this whole damn thing."

Meeting his eyes, there was a glistening in them despite the smile on his face. Forcing a smile for him, he started to cry, dropping his face into my neck. I swiftly started to cry with him, holding him as tightly as I could, never wanting to let him go. When he started to calm down, I forced myself to do the same. I needed to be strong for him. I needed to be there for him.

"I love you." He told me as he met my eyes again. "Never forget that."

"Never, baby." I smiled, kissing him deeply, "I love you."

It was still a few minutes before we got up and started to get dressed again. Doing the same, I stopped him from putting on his shirt, taking a closer look at the bite. It was still bleeding a little, veins of infection moving outward from it.

"How do you feel?" I asked him.

"I don't know." He smirked. "I can't decide if I'm actually feeling something or if it's just psychological since I know what's going to happen."

Smiling, I helped him put his shirt on. "Maybe a little bit of both."

"Maybe." He smiled and took my face in his hands, kissing me again.

"I'm going to go find you some water." I told him.

"I'm fine, baby. I don't want you to leave right now."

"Sean, you need food and water. At least water. You need something before it gets too far and we don't really know how quick that'll happen."

"I don't want to die without you." He told me.

"You won't." I frowned at him. "Baby, I am going to be with you for the rest of your life." His brows furrowed and he nodded, dipping his chin. "Sean, I will never leave you. No matter what happens."

He nodded at me, "Find a weapon."

Swallowing a lump in my throat, I nodded, leaning up and kissed him again, "I'll be back soon."

"Okay." He smiled.

"Rest." I commanded. "Please be here when I get back."

"I will be." He nodded.

Kissing him again, he wrapped his arm around my neck, keeping my lips against his. "Love you."

Forcing myself away from him, I swiftly left, knowing that if I didn't I never would. Looking in every direction, I moved away from the shack, making sure I was far enough away before I stumbled to my knees. Screaming and sobbing, I dug my hands into the ground, letting all my agony out where Sean wouldn't see. I couldn't show him how much this hurt. He was the one who was bit and was going to die. He was the one who was going to be hurting far more than me.

Sobbing for a good long while, I finally got to my feet, my cheeks were burning and tears still fell, but I needed to find water. I needed to find him something that would help him. Even though we both knew that there was no help for him. Bending over, I started to cry again, straightening, continuously blinking to keep my vision clear.

Coming across a stream, for a moment I was excited, then I realized that I had nothing to carry it back to him with. Dropping to my knees, I started to sob again, screaming again, needing to get it out. Needed to release the emotion that was pouring out of me.

"What am I gonna do?" I asked aloud. "What am I gonna do?!" I screamed.

Looking up and down the stream, I hoped to find something that had been dropped. Hell, I'd take a body right now that I could loot. A water bottle. A flask. Anything. I would literally take anything right now. Only there was nothing. I didn't find a goddamn thing. My desperation went as far as trying to hold a mouthful of water with a leaf. I couldn't make it more than a few yards without losing over half of it. Sitting and silently crying, I didn't make my way back to him until the sun was nearly down. I lost my way more than once before I finally found the shack again.

Taking a moment outside to compose myself, I went inside to see Sean sleeping on the cot. Leaning against the door, I rested my head against it, letting silent tears fall from the corners of my eyes. Finally moving toward him, I side sat on the floor, putting my head in my hand as I stared at him. Gently touching his forehead, he was warm. Biting my lip to stop myself from crying, I got up and started look for anything usable. In the corner of the room was some sort of pot, not one for cooking yet not flower-like either. Picking it up, a smell hit me that made me hold it as far away from myself as I could. Going outside, I dumped out some gross ass shit, getting as much of the liquid out as I could before starting to shove as dry a grass as I could find as well as small branches.

Digging out a small space on the ground, I set to making a fire, smacking the rocks together so much that my thumbs were cramping up. But finally I managed to get a few flames. Setting other sticks on fire, I dropped them into the pot. For a while there was a lot of smoke, no matter how hard I blew into it, but after a while it finally started to ignite. Adding enough so it came out the top a little, I took it back inside with a small group of twigs.

"You're here." Sean said as I set it down on the small worn table.

Smiling, I went to him, "I am."

"Did you find water?" He asked.

"I did." I nodded. "Only I have no way of getting it to you."

He laughed a little, coughing lightly, "Yeah, neither of us thought that one through."

Grinning, I leaned down and kissed him, "We'll be all right though."

"You will." He said gently brushing my bangs from my face.

Sighing, attempting to hold it together, I ran my fingers through his hair. It had gotten longer since the world had ended. So had his beard, but I didn't mind. I'd take him any way I could.

"What am I gonna do?" I asked him.

"Survive." He replied with conviction. "Promise me, Linny. Promise me that you will survive. You're not allowed to die because I did. Promise me that you will go on. You'll find someone so you're not alone. You'll fall in love again."

"Sean." I frowned, shaking my head.

"You will, Linny. You will fall in love again and that's okay." He smiled. "Promise me."

"I promise." I told him, the words sticking in my throat.

He laughed lightly again, "You can do better than that."

"How can you ask me to promise you something like that?" I frowned at him. "I've wanted you and only you for months and we only got weeks together. Weeks. How can you ask me to fall in love when I've barely begun loving you?"

"Because you have a bigger heart than anyone I've ever met." He smiled. "You need someone to face the world with, Linny. I'm giving you permission to fall in love and make that happen."

"That's not fair."

"It is fair." He laughed. "You're too amazing to not have someone. A counterpart. A lover. The love of your life."

"Sean."

"I'm not the love of your life, Linny. If I was, I wouldn't be leaving you. But you know what it feels like now. You'll know it when you find it. When you find him, whoever he may be."

"I don't want him. I want you." I cried.

"And you'll have me until I die." He smiled. I nodded. "Promise me."

"I promise you, Sean." I told him even though my heart wasn't in it. "I promise I will survive and fall in love again."

"Don't let this world destroy you." He frowned. "You are the kind of person we need in this world."

Laughing, I shook my head, "I think the fever is getting to you."

"Caroline." He frowned harder. "Please. I'm serious. You are amazing and kind and I know that this world will make you hard but you still have to hold on to who you are."

"The world won't make me hard." I told him. "You dying. Losing you. That is what will make me hard."

He smiled, caressing my face, "I am in love with you and I know that this is going to be hard but you are strong enough to handle it. Just…think of me every now and again, and when you meet the love of your life, I hope he reminds you of me. Find me again, Linny. I'll be waiting for you."

That did it.

Goddamn that did it.

All I could do was nod before sobbing took me over again. I sobbed into him, my chest hurting with the effort and yet I couldn't stop. He couldn't die. I needed him. I needed him far more than he thought I did. I had so much more to learn and experience with him. He may think me strong but right now I was anything but.

Having cried myself to sleep, my head was against his chest and I could hear his heart and his breathing, wanting to memorize the sound. I woke to him coughing, hearing the liquid in his lungs as I opened my eyes. Swiftly getting up, I sat on the edge of the cot, looking down at him. He looked sick. He was getting worse.

"I'm sorry I slept." I told him, dabbing his forehead with my shirt.

"Don't be." He smiled. "If I could save you from watching this I would. But we both know that you won't listen to anything I have to say on the subject."

I shook my head, "Hell no."

He laughed before coughing. Then he gripped my arms and I helped him sit, watching him vomit something disgusting onto the floor. He laid back again, shutting his eyes as I wiped his mouth clean.

He took my hand, "Thank you."

"You're thanking me for wiping vomit from your mouth?" I smirked at him.

He cracked his eyes open, "Will it stop you from kissing me?"

Smiling, I leaned down and kissed him deeply. Whatever it was tasted gross and there was the hint of blood. Feeling emotional again, I smiled at him, "Nothing will stop me from kissing you."

"Good." He replied. "Keep going."

Laughing, I started to kiss him again. He brought his hand to my face, his thumb running along my cheek as I did the same. Even though I knew every line of his face, every sound and every move that he made…if felt as if there wasn't enough time to engrain it in my mind. I didn't want to forget one thing about him. I wanted to carry him with me. I wanted him so engrained in my mind that I could easily imagine his face and the sound of his voice. He may be leaving me physically but I wanted him to be with me mentally for the rest of my life. Was that so much to ask?

"It's too quiet." He whispered as I stared down at him.

"I thought you were sleeping." I said softly as I pressed a kiss against his forehead.

He coughed a little, "I was, but I felt you watching me."

Grinning, I leaned down and kissed him, "I was staring quite intently."

"Fill the silence, baby." He told me softly, starting to drift off again.

We'd done this before. I knew what he wanted and I would never understand why. I didn't have a good voice. Just because I loved singing, it didn't mean I was any good at it and didn't mean that I wanted anyone other than myself to hear me.

"Please." He whispered.

Sighing, I shook my head at the ceiling, grinning down at him. Then I started to sing, "I could stay awake just to hear you breathing. Watch you smile while you are sleeping. While you're far away dreaming. I could spend my life in this sweet surrender. I could stay lost in this moment forever. Every moment spent with you is a moment I treasure."

Continuing to sing softly to him, he fell asleep quickly, and I kept singing. If that was what made him feel better then I'd go through all the ballads I knew to comfort him. I wasn't the one who was dying but if my selfishness was enough to keep him alive than I would continue to be selfish.

I watched him die for the next two days. We talked and we laughed and we shared things that mattered most to us. We told each other what we wanted the other to know before it was too late. Then I watched him slip away one gasping breath at a time. I knew I should have ended his suffering sooner but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I was still being selfish. I sang to him at the end, per his request, staring at him until he took his last breath. I'd remember it forever. There was a sense of relief in it. It was over. He wasn't in pain anymore.

I sobbed over his body for hours until I felt the twitch of his fingers as I held tight to his hand. My other was against his face and I felt the twitch of his cheek as he came back to life. I stared even then, watching in horror as he took a breath, only he wasn't actually breathing. He didn't need to breathe anymore. It was an involuntary response to whatever brain activity was brought back. Then I watched him open his eyes. They were now white and muddy. They weren't the chocolatey brown that made me melt every time I looked into them.

They were dead.

He was dead.

I knew I couldn't leave him like this. In the hours where he was sleeping, I had managed to sharpen the end of a stick, knowing that I would have to do what he had asked of me. He didn't want to roam the earth as one of them. He wanted to stay dead. I knew I had to do it. Lingering too long, he was starting to knead my forearms as he started to growl. Attempting to pull himself up.

It was time.

I didn't let him sit up. Pulling my arm free, I took the stick, stabbing him though his eye. I knew it would be soft enough so the stick wouldn't break. He stilled immediately, his arm falling off the edge of the cot. I'd never be able to forget the feeling of it. The sound it had made. The smell of death that was lingering in the room. It was too much. No one should have to do this. No one should have to see or hear or smell what I just had to see and hear and smell.

Sobbing into him for god knew how long, I once again cried myself to sleep. My body and mind needing a reprieve as I drowned in my grief. When I woke, the smell of death was stronger, making my eyes water. Pushing myself up, I looked down at him, unable to stop staring at the hole I'd put through his eye. I shifted my gaze to the stick that was laying on the ground. Grabbing it, I screamed as I broke it into as many pieces as I possibly could. It was easier to blame the stick than myself.

My fit of rage went further than the stick as I destroyed the table, tearing at the walls, feeling my nails bend and break. Using all my energy, I ended up on my knees, breathing hard as I took in my bloodied hands. Tears were hot on my cheeks as I lifted my eyes to Sean. Sobbing once again took me over as I scrambled across the floor to him, taking his hand, hugging his arm to my chest as I rocked.

"I'm so sorry." I sobbed. "I am so, so sorry. Sean! Please! I am so sorry!"

Continuing to sob, I pressed his hand against my cheek, the coolness of his skin feeling good against the heat of mine. When the sobs finally stopped, I still held his hand, rocking as I stared at the floor. My mind was now moving through everything I could have done differently. It was my fault. There had to be have been something I could have done that would have prevented this.

"I shouldn't have slept." I whispered. "If I hadn't slept, I would have been awake to help him."

Looking up at him, I knew that I had to bury him. It would only get worse the longer I waited. Forcing myself to move, my body ached, making it hard to steady myself. Staggering outside, I looked for a patch of earth that looked like it would be easier to dig into. Settling on an area underneath a large red maple, I tore large pieces of bark from a stump in an attempt to help dig the hole. When that didn't work, I went for the pot, only that was worse. In the end, I did it mostly with my hands. They were already beaten only now all of my nails were bent, broken, bloody, and dirty. There were scrapes littering my hands and arms. My hands were shaking uncontrollably and my arms felt like Jell-O. But it was done. It was shallower than I would have liked, and the thought of animals coming for him made my stomach turn, but I couldn't make it any deeper. I just…I couldn't.

Going back into the shack, I spent a long time just staring at him again. My body needed a rest and I just wasn't ready yet. I wasn't ready to say goodbye. I wasn't ready to keep going without him. I had lost everything. I lost my love. I lost my dog. I lost everything we'd accomplished along the way. I lost everything. And now he expected me to just keep going. He expected me to find people and fall in love and live a life worth living.

THERE WAS NO LIFE WORTH LIVING!

Not anymore.

But I made a promise to him. I made a promise and I knew how disappointed he'd be if I didn't keep it. At the same time, it seemed so much easier if I just ended it now. There was no life without him. There was no life worth living when I was all alone. Nothing was guaranteed and I couldn't even imagine how I was going to find others out here. I had no direction. I was lost. This wasn't how it was supposed to be.

Falling to my knees, I couldn't stop the sobs from starting again. "I can't do this." I sobbed. "Sean, I can't do this without you. It's too hard." Doubling over, I let my head fall into my hands. "I can't do this. I don't want to."

Sobbing, I didn't stop until the sound of growling caught my ears. I was making too much noise. I was bringing them in. Turning, the walker staggered over the threshold. Staggering to my feet, I felt like one of the dead. He didn't want me to turn hard. But I already felt like I was gone too. I watched as it moved toward me. Its jaws snapping. It was missing an arm. The other was hanging from nothing but tendons, swinging as it attempted to walk a straight line. Its teeth were exposed, part of its scalp torn and flapping.

It was getting closer.

Part of me wanted to just let it bite me. Spill my blood and devour me and then it would all be over. I'd be with Sean again. I'd be happy. This life wasn't worth living if this was what happened. It wasn't fair. Nothing about this was fair and it was killing me. Why not just let it end here?

The walker had closed the distance between us, falling forward so it could latch on to me. In the last second, I shoved it backward, screaming as I fell to my knees from the effort. It sat up, but I didn't let it stand. Moving behind it, I took the collar of its shirt and dragged it outside and away from where I was going to bury Sean. Throwing it down, it tried to sit up again but I slammed my foot into its face. Gripping the trunk of a tree, I slammed my foot down onto its head over and over and over again. Even after it was torn apart, I kept crushing it, finding a measure of relief as I destroyed what made it keep living.

I was once again feeling drained when I finally moved back to the shack. But I didn't stop and stare this time. I lifted his torso up, hooking my arms underneath his before I started to drag him from the room. It seemed easier for some reason. I was exhausted and yet he seemed lighter than I had thought he would be.

Reaching the grave, I gently lowered him into it, making sure he was comfortable. The thought made me laugh. He was gone. He didn't need comfort anymore. But my laughs soon turned to tears and seeing him lying in the ground sent a new wave of grief crashing down on me and I once again stared and sobbed. I'd never felt anything like this before. This…this was something no one should have to feel.

Burying him, I felt the most defeated I ever had in my life. I didn't know I was able to feel this low. Kneeling at his grave, I stared at the dirt. I stared at the tree above him. I stared at my hands. I couldn't seem to make myself blink. I was so exhausted. Needing to make some sort of marker for him, I gathered rocks, digging them up if I had to, and placed them in a cross over the fresh dirt. Gathering smaller ones, I wrote his name with them above his head.

Lingering for a time, I finally forced myself to walk away from the man I loved. He couldn't follow me where I was going. Not anymore. Even though I had no idea where that was. I had no destination. I had no home. No partner. I was truly and completely alone. The weight of it ebbing and flowing as I walked. Tears streamed and in this moment I wanted nothing more than to die myself. More than once it became more than a thought as I actually considered it. But I kept going back to the promise I had made. Sean made me promise him and it was important to keep it. He was right to ask what he did and yet it felt so impossible. What would the world be if we lost all our humanity? Those who still had it needed to hold onto it as tightly as possible. Sean used to tell me that. At the same time the world was already ruined so who gives a flying fuck if we survived? No one would remember me anyway. I never made it home and if they were dead than everything I ever was, was gone. I just didn't see the point of it. Not anymore.

Living sucked.

Despite hating life and wishing myself dead, I kept walking. My mind repeating everything over and over and over again. Living seemed to become an unconscious act. My mind was lost while my feet just kept moving. One step at a time. I didn't eat. I didn't drink. I hardly slept. Part of me wanted to just fall asleep and be eaten without being able to try and stop it.

Late one night, I sat in the dark, listening to nature as I stared off at nothing as I dwelled on Sean. Shutting my eyes I pictured his face, my fingers running up and down my arm as I remembered his touch. Then the tears would start and I once again grieved the man that I had lost. It wasn't fair. Nothing about this was fair and I knew that the world didn't deal in fairness but…how could it start the way it did and then end like this? Why was I alive and he was dead?

It should have been me.

Anger didn't take long to set in. I needed someone to blame. For a while I blamed myself. Only then it shifted and I started to blame those who had attacked us. The people who took everything, even our dog, and disappeared into the woods. Focusing on that anger, I went back to where it happened. I looked at the ground and thanks to Sean, I knew what I was looking for. I could figure out what direction that they went and I could set out to find them. I didn't know how I was going to pull it off but I knew that I was going to kill them. I would do whatever I had to, to get Mozzie and our belongings back. Sean was in those bags and it would be another way of keeping him with me.

I would get it back.

I'd get him back.

It took nearly a day just to figure out which way they went. I was inexperienced and I wasn't thinking straight. All I knew was that I needed to find them. Once I finally found a trace of people, nearly a week went by as I tracked them down, moving back and forth, giving up before setting out again. I couldn't leave Mozzie to suffer them. I couldn't let them get away with what they did. I wouldn't. They would pay.

I was roaming after dark, not having any way of protecting myself from the walkers. Now that I had a mission, I didn't long for death anymore. Not my own. I longed for the death of those who had wronged us. Hearing the crackling of a fire, I slowly moved toward the sound. As I got closer I could hear talking and laughter followed by growling and a yelp. Mozzie. It was them. My blood started to boil and it took all of me to keep my calm. Moving up behind them I couldn't just charge in. If I did then I'd be dead and Mozzie would have no one to help him.

Circling their little camp, I sat and waited, watching as they pulled things in and out of my bag. Seeing Mozzie muzzled and tied to a tree opposite of where they were. He was too much in the firelight for me to get to him. Clenching my jaw, I sat crouched, waiting for one of them to move. At one point the wind shifted and I saw Mozzie's head jerk up, his ears turned in my direction. It took all of me not to say something or to show him that I was here. He knew but he wasn't sure. Not yet.

Keeping quiet, I watched and waited. And it paid off. The woman stood and started to move away from the camp. Silently moving to follow her, as soon as she had dropped her pants, I grabbed her around her throat, squeezing tightly so she couldn't make a sound. Swiftly checking her for a weapon, I pulled my knife from her belt loop.

"Rookie mistake." I told her, showing her the blade. "Are you ready to die?" She attempted to struggle and there was the sound of liquid hitting the ground. She'd pissed herself. "Good." I told her with disdain. "I want you to be afraid. This is for what you did. This is for Sean."

Stabbing her several times in her stomach, I held her tight until she couldn't hold herself up anymore. Leaving her there, I moved back toward the camp, waiting for another to get up and move. As the minutes ticked by, it didn't even seem like they were concerned about their friend. She was gone and they were just sitting there, laughing and talking.

It seemed to take forever for one of them to get up, only before I could move to follow him, there was a sound from behind me and I turned to see the woman moving toward me. Swearing under by breath, she hadn't been bitten or scratched. I'd simply killed her and yet she had risen. Only in the next second I realized that she could be very useful. Moving behind her, I gripped the back of her shirt, leading her forward. She was slow and clumsy and it took all of me not make a sound.

When I finally was close enough, I shoved her at the back of one of the men and watched as she latched on to them, digging into their neck. I ducked down as they started to panic, one pulling out a gun and just started firing. He hit not only the woman but his friend as well. Another had his gun up, clearly not sure what to do. Coming up behind him, I swiftly took the gun from him, shooting out his knee before the shoulder of another, a stomach, and then through the head of the woman and the man she had latched on to.

"This is mine." I told the man I'd taken if from.

"Jesus." One of the others said.

"You left us for dead." I smirked. "Well, guess what? I didn't die. But you sure as hell are." Shooting him in his gut, I turned to the man I was standing next to. He was holding his knee. "You will die in agony. You will bleed out and I will smile as I watch it all happen."

"Oh God!" One of the others was carrying on.

Shooting the one next to me in the chest, I went to Mozzie, releasing him and unbound his mouth. "Good boy, baby. You're such a good boy." I told him.

"Who are you?" One of them asked.

I stood and looked down at him, watching as he coughed up blood. "Thanks to you, I am your own personal nightmare."

"We didn't kill you." He cried.

Frowning, I stepped toward him, "No, you simply left us defenseless in hopes that the dead would take us. Well, you got one of us. My boyfriend is dead."

"I'm sorry."

"No, you're not." I shot at him. "But you will be." Shooting him in his groin, he started to scream bloody murder. "That's better." I smiled at him. "Like you said. This world is all about taking. Kill or be killed. Well, now you're on the other side of that. How does that make you feel?" His screams nearly drowned out my words. "I'd watch it, buddy. All that noise is gonna bring walkers right down on top of you. They are going to eat you while you're still alive." As if on cue, there was growling from the woods. "Speak of the devil." I said and swiftly started to gather everything up. Putting it all in my bag, I put it over my head, letting it rest against my lower back. "Come on, Moz." I told him and slipped into the woods.

Bypassing the dead, we could hear the screaming as we moved away from them. For a few glorious minutes I felt like I had avenged Sean. I had made the ones responsible pay with their lives. A life for a life. But then that faded and I fell to my knees, vomiting the bile that was in my stomach. Then the tears started yet again and I just felt disgusted with myself. Five people. I'd just killed five people. I'd never killed anyone before and I did it with a smile. I enjoyed killing them. What kind of person does that? Who was I becoming?

At the same time, that was what this world was doing to us all. Turning us into murderers and thieves. We did what we had to do to survive and killing was going to be a part of that. I understood that. At the same time, Sean's voice was in my head: Don't let this world destroy you. Killing would destroy me. He knew that his death would make me hard but had he foreseen this? What kind of monster was I?

Either way, I kept moving. I had survived. I would survive. I'd do it for him. And I wasn't alone. He wanted me to find people but people were the enemy. I had Mozzie. I wasn't alone. And I loved that dog and him me. I was loved. I wasn't alone. For all intents and purposes as long as I lived I'd fulfilled my promise. I loved Sean. I didn't think I'd ever feel anything like that again. Not in a world like this. Everything was fucked up and I was prepared to do what I had to do. As horrible as it was, I knew I would kill again. I knew that I would defend myself at the expense of another's life. I just couldn't see it any other way.

Death was a way of life.

Death was what I would become.

Death was what I was.