Beautiful Disaster

by My Writing Is This

The dead were walking and surviving was imperative. Caroline had hit the ground running. She tried to never look back. She was alone for too long. Learning to live and love again wasn't easy. People still mattered. Many would come in and out of her life and not all was as it seemed. She had to learn to be a person again and to find her place. And the one she was meant to be with.

40. Unexpected

Chapter Forty: Unexpected

Walking up the stairs, I let myself in the front door, balancing the plate of food on my hand. I nearly dropped it, tripping as I caught it, and regained balance before sighing heavily at myself. Moving again, I went to the kitchen and set the plate down.

"Eric!" I called.

"Upstairs!" He called back.

Making my way up to him, I ran my fingers through my hair. It had been a long few days and I was eager for Aaron to come home to take over. Finding him in the bedroom, he was severely unkempt as he lay in bed, staring at the ceiling. Sighing, I dropped onto the bed next to him, staring at the ceiling.

"Any news?" He asked.

"Nope." I replied.

"How long do you think they'll be gone?" He asked next.

"I don't know."

"It's already been three days."

"I know."

"Is that normal for Daryl?"

"Yes."

"What's the longest he's been gone?"

"A couple weeks."

"A couple weeks?" He frowned at me.

I looked at him, "They're going to be fine." He just sighed at me. "Daryl is far more capable than any other person here. He will bring Aaron back safe. You don't need to worry."

"I'm useless until my ankle heals. I should be out there with him."

"That was the point of having Daryl start recruiting. So you wouldn't have to."

"He doesn't get to make those decisions for me." He stated with annoyance.

Looking at him for a long moment, I knew what he was feeling, but he needed to see it from Aaron's point of view. "He loves you, Eric. He wants to protect you."

"I can protect myself."

"The world is different, Eric." I frowned at him. "Taking care of yourself doesn't mean what it did before the outbreak. Dying doesn't mean what it did before. Things are different and we should be afraid. We should worry and realize what it means to survive. Aaron is understanding more and more of what's at stake and he knows that he can't risk something happening to you."

"You go out there. Alone even. No one thinks twice about it." He stated.

"I know what the world is like. I understand it. I've lived in it longer than most. They know I know and that I can handle it." I tried to explain. He looked at me and nodded. "Also I'm super stubborn and worry far more about everyone else before myself. If I'm alone then people know I won't worry as much. Plus I know enough about the dead to survive. I've survived everything so far anyway."

"Not without help."

"I'm not saying I can survive on my own. I am saying that I was alone for a long time and survived."

"Yeah."

We were quiet for a while before I finally got up, "Alright, enough moping around, we're gonna take a walk."

"Not really in the mood."

"I don't care. You've laid around long enough." I said but he just laid there. "Up, up, up." I said pulling on him.

"Linny." He frowned.

"Up. Now." I stated yanking the covers back. "And you need a shower."

"Cast." He said holding up his leg and pointing at it.

Sighing, I turned and went back down to the kitchen, grabbing saran wrap. Going back upstairs, I wrapped the shit out of the cast to make sure no water would get in. Then I got him onto his feet and helped him into the bathroom. Leaving him alone, I waited outside the bathroom door, just in case he needed help. While he showered, I set clean clothes inside before I sat and waited again. When it finally opened he was dressed and looked much better. Getting the saran wrap off his leg, I handed him his crutches and we made our way downstairs.

Opening the door for him, it was a beautiful day. People were out and about, kids were playing in the street. Smiling, I was more than happy to just walk and take in the town, still unable to get enough of it. But when I looked at Eric, he looked as unhappy as he had been since Aaron left.

"Are you gonna mope around till the second he gets back?" I asked him.

"Aren't you worried about Daryl?" He countered.

"Of course I am."

"But you seem so okay with him not being back yet."

"It's not the first time he's gone off. He's our main hunter, forager, and scavenger. He's known to be gone for a while. He doesn't rush things and he makes sure it's done right. He thinks before he acts. He's smart and capable. He's pretty amazing. Aaron could not be in safer hands." I tried again to make him feel better.

We made two loops around town before we ended up back in front of the house. He still didn't seem convinced and was just a mopey as he had been when we'd started. Helping him back into the house, I went to the couch but he was already on his way back upstairs.

"Eric." I said softly.

"Thanks, Linny." He said kindly.

Only before I could say anything there was commotion from outside and I smiled up at Eric. He grinned before nearly falling down the few steps he'd gone up, quickly crutching toward the door. Opening it, he rushed out, swiftly going down the stairs and toward the gate. Making sure he didn't pitch over, I stayed close to him, seeing everyone starting to gather.

"They must have found someone." Eric said as he beamed at me.

Both excitement and anxiousness filled me. No one else had been brought in since we were and the first trip out for Daryl and they had successfully brought someone back with them. What would they be like? Would they fit in? I wasn't sure what to think. Only then I realized that it wasn't my place to think anything about it. This wasn't my community. It wasn't Rick's. It was Deanna's and she would make all the decisions.

Moving through the crowd, my eyes locked on Eric, when I finally looked up, I couldn't breathe. My heart started to race and for a long moment everything went out of focus, voices muffling in my ears. Only one thing was in focus for me. Then a voice started to reach my ears. Blinking repeatedly, Carl was repeating the same question over and over again.

"Do you know him?" He asked. "Mom, do you know him?"

My mind was moving a mile a minute. I looked at him and then I looked at the people around me, my eyes locking on Rick. He was already looking at me, swiftly moving toward me as he took in the expression on my face. I didn't know what to do. I reached for him when he stepped next to me, meeting his eyes.

"Do you know him?" He asked with a hard tone.

Looking back at the man they'd brought back, I nodded before slowly stepping forward. In the next second I was running, tears immediately streaming as I reached him, throwing my arms around his neck. Sobbing into him, I continuously ran my hands down the back of his head, squeezing his shoulder blades as I made sure that he was real.

"Ben!" I cried. "Oh god, Ben! I thought you were dead!"

"I know." He told me softly. "I know, baby. But I'm not. I'm right here. I never thought I'd have you in my arms again."

"I'm so sorry." I sobbed harder, feeling weaker than I ever have before. "I am so, so very sorry. I thought you were dead and I left. I just left you."

"You had no reason to believe that I was alive."

Letting him go, I took his head in my hands, "Hannah?" He shook his head. "No." I said as the tears were renewed. "No!" Wrapping my arms around his neck again, I once again sobbed. "I'm so sorry. Ben, I am so sorry. I should have been there."

"Linny, stop." He told me softly. "Stop, it's okay. It happened a while ago."

"What?" I frowned. "When? What happened? I swore I saw you all in the fire."

"Mozzie got us out." He stated.

"Where is he?"

He looked at me with heavy emotion, "He died with Hannah."

Covering my mouth, I sobbed, nodding at him, "It's how he'd want to go. He loved her."

"He loved you." He replied. "We searched for you. He had your scent, only then it, it disappeared."

"So much has happened, Ben. I have so much to tell you." I told him, smiling now. He was alive and he was here.

"Like why that man behind you is looking like I just stole his girl?" He smirked.

Looking behind me, Rick was staring at us, clearly unsure of what to think. But he knew who Ben was and what he had meant to me. Meeting Ben's eyes again, I nodded. "Yeah. There's a lot we need to talk about."

"I lost the girl." Ben smiled and laughed. "I came all this way. Lost everything. And I still lost the girl."

"Stop it." I told him, his head once again in my hands. "Stop. You being alive –"

"Means what? Does it mean everything changes?"

"Ben, you literally just got here." I frowned at him.

"I haven't laid eyes on you in months. Months! A lot can happen. I'm sure you grieved us for a while. But in this world, once someone is gone, you move on." He frowned back at me.

"That's not fair." I frowned at him. He nodded and stepped away from me. "Don't." I told him, gripping his hand. "Don't you dare walk away from me, Ben."

"Are you hurt?" Maggie asked him, stepping up to us. Her hand found my back and she smiled at me before looking at Ben.

"Not really. A few scrapes and bruises but nothing I can't handle."

"Let's get him to Pete anyway." Maggie smiled at me.

"First." Deanna said stepping toward us. "An interview. Unless you feel like you need medical attention first." She said looking at him.

"No." He replied. "I can handle an interview. I was told to expect one."

Deanna started to lead him away but she held up her hand, "Wait outside if you want to wait. Otherwise it'll be just me and him."

"But –" I started.

"No buts." She smiled. "He won't disappear."

Sighing, I nodded, following them to the base of the stairs. As soon as they were inside, I let out the breath I had been holding and turned back to my family. All eyes were on me now and I had no idea what to say. I had no idea what to feel or think or…anything. He was alive. I had left him and Hannah and Mozzie. I'd left them and then everything that had happened. I'd let him go. I'd moved on to both another group and with another man. What was I supposed to do now?

I hated to admit to it but this was a game changer. I was here because of him. If I had never thought him dead then I never would have left and we would have been together this entire time. I had already pledged myself to him a long time ago. Not pledged. But I'd committed myself to him and his daughter. I told her I wouldn't leave him. But then he left me only that wasn't what really happened.

Sitting down, I opted to not say anything. It was too fresh and since I had no idea what to say I figured silence was the best answer. Maggie came and sat next to me, Rick standing in front of me with a very upset looking Carl. I met Rick's eyes and smiled at him. I loved him. I didn't want to hurt him. He smiled and wrapped his arm around Carl, nodding at me before he walked away. I didn't know what he was thinking but whatever it was he must have thought I needed space. It was both true and also very wrong. I didn't want space. I was freaking out. But Maggie was here. I honestly wasn't sure I could handle more than one person at a time. Too much was going on in my head and I for one had no idea where to start to sort this all out.

Things were so different now. I had feelings for another man. I had grieved the one I lost and had moved on. Not right away. It had taken months for me to even consider it. But I had done it and we had just begun and now the man who I thought was the love of my life was alive and right in front of me. How did I just ignore that? How could I be with Rick and not feel like I was betraying him? What the fuck was I supposed to do?

"You okay?" Maggie finally asked.

"No." I replied honestly.

"How can I help?"

"Tell me what I should do." I told her on the verge of tears. "He's alive and he's here. But Rick is here."

"You love them both."

"I love Rick." I stated. "I loved Ben before and seeing him makes me so happy but does that mean everything I had with him is the same and that I just fall right back into that life with him? Because that life is gone, Maggie."

"But he's not. He's right here and I know that he meant the world to you."

"He did." I nodded. "Or does. I don't know. But things are different and I don't know what to do."

"Let's just wait till he's done. We'll get him checked out by Pete and then we'll go from there." She told me. "Sound good?"

I nodded, "Sounds good."

We were quiet as we waited and it seemed to be taken a hell of a long time for the interview to be over. We never heard any raised voices or anything, knowing that Ben was too much of a gentleman to make a scene in front of Deanna. The longer it took the longer I had to think and the more anxious I became. I wanted to know what he was telling her. I wanted to know what she was telling him. I just wanted him to come out of there and talk to me.

"Linny." Maggie said softly as I paced in front of the stairs.

"No." I told her.

"No?"

"I can't, Maggie. I just – I need to keep moving."

The door opened and both Ben and Deanna came out and stood on the porch. "It was very nice meeting you, Ben." Deanna smiled at him, shaking his hand. Then she was looking at me, "You can take him to the infirmary now if you'd like."

I nodded at her, "Thank you."

"I'm fine." Ben said as he slowly came down the steps and stood in front of me. "Don't worry about me."

"I always worry." I frowned at him.

He chuckled, "Yeah, I remember."

"So, infirmary. Now." I added.

He smiled and nodded at me. Taking his hand, I held it tightly, hugging his arm as tightly as possible so there was no chance of him moving away from me. He seemed relaxed despite the feeling I was sure he was losing in his fingers. Maggie got the door as I refused to let him go long enough to even grab the handle.

"Hey." Pete said with a frown as he took in my expression. "Hey, new guy." He said to Ben.

"This is Ben." I told him. "He needs to get checked out."

"I'm fine." Ben told him.

"Sit." Pete replied. "Caroline, you're going to have to let him go." He added with a smile.

Nodding, it still took Maggie's help to release him. He smiled at me as he worked his hand from the tightness my grip had been. "Sorry." I told him.

He just looked at me, keeping his eyes on me as Pete looked him over. Rosita came in as well, immediately starting to clean his visible wounds. I smiled my thanks to her and by the way she was looking at me, she had been told who he was. Staring at Ben, it was starting to feel surreal. Like if I blinked he would disappear. I didn't want him to disappear. I loved him. The longer I looked at him the more I felt it coming to the surface. Just like before, he was as entrancing to me as he ever was.

"He's good to go." Pete smiled. "He'll be fine. He's a little dehydrated so make him drink a bunch of water and he probably needs a good night's sleep."

"I'll make sure of it." I told him, not meeting his eyes.

"I'm fine." Ben told him. "I think I'll just be moving on."

"Enough." I shot at him. "You don't get to show up after all this time only to turn around and leave."

"You clearly have a different family now."

"What does that have to do with anything?" I frowned. "Did you want me to just be miserable for the rest of my life? I thought you were dead."

"I understand that." He frowned. "I guess I didn't think you'd latch on to whoever crossed your path." He shot back coldly.

Without knowing it was going to happen until it did, I slapped him. Tears were running down my cheeks, shaking taking me over as I stared at him. He looked ashamed, bringing his fingers to his cheek.

"I didn't mean that." He told me sadly.

"You have no idea how hard it was without you." I stated through my tears. "You have no idea what I've done. You have no idea, Ben. Just like I have no idea what you've been through or what you've done. But to imply that I didn't love you or grieve you or think about you every single day that's just – that's just cruel, and you're not cruel." I said scoffing as I shook my head, tears still streaming. "The last thing I want to do is hurt you. I would never do that. But you were dead and I did find people who I call family. But you have no idea how long it took me to get there. You have no fucking idea how hard every day has been without you."

He brought his hand up to my face but I flinched away from him. Turning, I fled the clinic, rushing back to the house and up to my room, slamming the door behind me. Only then it occurred to me that this wasn't just my room. It was Rick's. I shared it with the man I had fallen in love with. But I had fallen in love with Ben, too. How was I supposed to handle this?

Feeling dirty, I rushed into the bathroom, stripping and taking the hottest shower I could stand. I scrubbed my skin till it was red, sliding down the wall of it, sobbing into my knees as the weight of it all came crashing down. Ben was alive and well and here. I had been so ecstatic to see him and then he accused me simply moving on from him. Only it wasn't just that. The knowledge that both Hannah and Mozzie were now confirmed dead…I couldn't breathe. This wasn't how this was all supposed to end. I had already mourned them. I had already buried what I had of them for closer. I had let them go. I had to in this new world. I had to let them go. So I did. And now I come to find that I had been wrong the whole time. I'd left them and then Hannah and Mozzie were killed and I left Ben to face it alone. I'd left him behind and now he was back and he was alone and holding on to what we had only to come to find that I'd moved on.

How horrible was I?

Hearing the door, I looked up to see Rick. The sobs didn't stop as I dropped my head into my hand, shaking my head at him. I couldn't find the words. I listened as he took off his shoes and his jacket, his belt hitting the floor. Then he stepped into the shower. Sitting next to me, he put his arm around me, pulling me into his side. Resting my head against his chest, I wrapped my arm around him, the other around his knee as I sobbed. I didn't know what to do. It felt like I was living their deaths all over again. All but Ben's. I didn't deserve Rick being here with me. I didn't deserve his comfort. In this moment, all I wanted to do was leave Alexandria and disappear in the woods. Everyone was better off without me. I was becoming a source of pain, and I didn't want that. Not for anyone. I'd take my guilt and I'd leave.

When I'd calmed down, we finally got out of the shower, both silent as he changed and I got dressed. After, we both sat on the end of the bed, just sitting there. I wasn't sure if he was waiting for me to say something or if I was waiting for him to. All I knew was that I had no idea what to say to him. The only thing I could think of was to apologize. But I wasn't sure if that was fair or not to either of us. It was an honest mistake. I'd told Rick about him. We'd talked at length about it. We'd talked till we were both blue in the face. We'd talked about him and Hannah and Mozzie. We'd talked about it but to have it thrust into our faces was something neither of us were expecting or ready for. Especially when our relationship still felt new.

Rick slid his hand into mine and I gripped it tightly in both of mine. "It's okay." He told me. Tears filled my eyes again. "It's okay, Caroline. I know what he means to you."

Shaking my head, I met his eyes. The blueness of them beautiful and mesmerizing. They were the first thing I'd fallen in love with. They were the first thing of him I'd seen and in that moment, that was when it had clicked for me. That I could be happy again. That there was someone else out there that I could care about. It had still taken months for me to even consider it. But that feeling had always been in the back of my mind.

"I love you." I told him.

"I know. I love you, too." He nodded at me. "But you were his first. And you loved him. And now he's here."

Now anger was starting to seep into me. "So, just like that you're going to give me back to him? Is that it?"

"Linny…"

"No, Rick." I frowned at him, standing and looking down at him. "Do you think there is just a switch that I can turn on and off?"

"Linny…"

"I thought he was dead!" I yelled at him. "I thought he was dead and I mourned him. You know I did. You were there for it."

"I know." He told me again.

"I know you know, Rick." I shot at him, running my fingers through my hair roughly.

"Linny, just calm down." He said gently.

Sitting down next to him again, I took a deep breath. "The only time I've felt so happy to see someone was when I found you after the prison." Meeting his eyes, he smiled at me. "Seeing you that day was the best feeling in the world. Seeing him again, knowing he's alive, is the best feeling in the world. But I also feel so guilty for leaving him behind."

"You thought he was dead." He told me.

"I did." I nodded. "I did think he was dead. But he's not, Rick. What am I supposed to do?"

"You have to decide that for yourself." He stated.

Scoffing, I stood up again, "Always letting me make my own choices. That's not exactly what I want to hear from you."

"What do you want me to say?" He asked.

"What do you want me to do?" I countered.

He sighed, "I can't answer that."

"You can. You can tell me what you want me to do. I'm asking for your opinion in this matter." I told him feeling annoyed.

"I want you to choose me!" He yelled as he got to his feet. "Is that what you want me to say?"

"Yes." I told him. "That is what I want you to say."

He laughed lightly, shaking his head, "I saw the expression on your face when you saw him. I saw the way you reacted to him. I saw you embrace him and I knew in the moment that no matter what I tell you, I've already lost."

Laughing, feeling more and more annoyed, I shook my head at him, "You both think you know me so well. Ben said the same thing to me. That he'd already lost me and that was just seconds after being reunited with him. So, you both think you lost the girl. Maybe you both should lose the girl. I'm not worth the fight and deciding is going to be impossible. So…" I said and threw up my arms, moving to the door.

"Where are you going?" Rick asked as he followed me.

"Out." I told him harshly.

"Caroline, wait." He said before gripping my arm.

Whipping my head toward him, I met his eyes with a hard look, "Let me go."

He did and I swiftly left the house, hearing Carl say my name, hearing Judith making those soft noises that melted my heart, but I kept moving. Rushing out into the street, I swiftly moved toward the gate. I suddenly felt very trapped and I needed to escape. Just for a little while. Seeing Spencer at the gate, he looked at me with a sad expression as I moved toward him.

"Open it." I told him.

"Caroline." Rick said running up behind me.

"Don't follow me, Rick!" I yelled and then was moving through the gate.

Hearing him and Spencer talking, he didn't follow me. I wasn't sure if that was out of respect for me or if Spencer was looking out for me. Either way, I didn't care, I needed just a few minutes to wrap my head around everything. Maybe I was overreacting. Maybe it wasn't as big a deal as I thought it was. But the more I thought about it, the more it seemed to grow.

Moving through the woods, I kept my eyes open for danger, and yet didn't care if a fucking walker came for me right now. I was so confused and annoyed and depressed that if anything came for me, they'd regret it.

When the woods were quiet, I found a tree, climbing into it. Then I knew I could sit and think without having to worry about a walker stumbling across me. I could momentarily detach from the world and simply try and work through everything. I had been so happy to see Ben. But he was different. He was colder. He wasn't the same man who I had grieved for. I understood considering he'd been alone in dealing with Hannah and Mozzie's deaths. He'd been alone and I'd left him that way. He didn't seem to think me dead. He knew I was alive and yet I'd grieved him and let him go.

Then there was Rick. He was kind and gentle and yet rough when he wanted to be. He was smart and compassionate. He fought with everything in him to save those that he cared about. He led everyone, teaching them how to survive and to live in this world. He had shown me that despite the way the world was, there was still beauty in it. He was raising his infant daughter in this world and her smile alone was enough to believe that the world wasn't gone. Carl was growing up strong and smart and kind as he matured into a man as good as his father. I'd lost one family to find myself welcomed into another.

And it wasn't just the Grimes. It was Michonne. It was Maggie and Glenn. It was Abraham and Rosetta. Carol and Daryl. It was everyone. Everyone had welcomed me in. We had welcomed each other in. We had survived so much together and now we had been welcomed in by another family and had been given a home like we had known before all of this. We had a house, food, water, a neighborhood. We had everything we could ever need in this new world.

I thought I had everything I ever wanted. But I'd thought that before. With Ben. I had everything I wanted with him. A home. A life. A daughter. I had everything I wanted and then I had lost it all. I had lost everything. But I had been wrong. I had to make it up to Ben. I had to show him that I didn't just forget him. I still loved him. Of course I still loved him. But Rick…I loved Rick. I couldn't just leave him just because Ben was back. I would be doing the same thing to him.

"What am I supposed to do?" I said out loud. "What am I supposed to do?!"

Starting to sob again, I cried until I couldn't, thinking of Hannah and Mozzie before leaning against the large branch next to me, falling asleep, my mind and body completely exhausted. Hoping for just a few minutes of peace. In a span of just a few minutes, my entire world was once again turned upside down.