Hello all! I hope the few of you who are still reading enjoy the chapter! So many fun things to come! Sorry it's been so long since an update. I'll attempt to do better moving forward! I mean it this time. Please feel free to drop a review or two. Haven't heard much so I will admit I'm beginning to question this story. Lol. But I still love it and am more then excited to get a little further into the the real meaty parts of this story. Can't wait to see what you all think when the time comes!
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Chapter Forty-one: I Hurt You, You Hurt Me
Shivering woke me up, the night's chill seeping into my bones. It took me a moment to remember where I was, nearly falling out of the tree. Rubbing my face with my hands, I licked the sleep from my mouth, running my hand down my face. Gripping the branch, I attempted to exit it gracefully; only I slipped, slamming my torso onto a branch. The force of it flipped me and I landed hard on my back. Coughing, I groaned as I got to my feet, looking around to make sure I hadn't attracted any unwanted attention. A few twigs snapped, making my pulse race, but nothing came after it. The woods were silent, making me relax and look toward home. I'd been gone long enough, even though I'd decided nothing about what to do.
I wasn't even halfway when I heard rustling. Swiftly moving behind a tree, I listened, bending down and searched for some sort of weapon. Feeling a decent sized rock, I gripped it tightly, ready to do what I had to. Listening as the steps came closer, I took deep breaths, only then there were voices. Frowning, I listened intently until I could hear them clear enough to tell who they were. Sighing, I let the rock slip from my hand, moving from behind the tree and toward the voices I knew so well.
"She's out here because of you." Ben accused.
"She's out here because she's in pain." Rick replied.
"You don't even know her." Ben shot at him.
There was a long moment of silence before Rick replied, "I know just about everything there is to know about her." They both stopped and I couldn't deny that I was curious, slowly moving closer so I could hear the answer. "And do you know how I know that?" Rick asked him calmly.
"How?" Ben asked, only there was uncertainty in his voice.
"Because of you." Rick stated sadly. "She was broken. She had fallen into the wrong crowd but she saved my life. She saved me and my family without knowing who we were or why we needed saving. She let me shoot her to ensure our escape." He explained before pausing, taking a deep breath. "But when she finally started to come around, she told me about you and about Hannah and Mozzie. She told me how much she loved you. She was convinced that love in this world was a hindrance and that she was never going to fall in love again. Not with anyone or anything. She'd had her chance and she'd failed him. You. So don't tell me that I don't know her. I know her better than you. And she knows more about me than anyone. We bonded in our losses."
"What loss did you face?" Ben asked.
"I have a son and a daughter. I lost their mother the day Judith was born. My daughter was cut out of her belly when she had complications. Then she was eaten by a walker after her son shot her in the head so she wouldn't turn." He explained.
Feeling emotion again, this was harder to listen to than I thought it would be.
"Caroline and I both taught each other that we are capable of moving on. That it's okay to love someone again. To let them in. She lost you. I lost my wife. Only now you're back and that changes things." Rick finished and started to move on again.
"I didn't know." Ben replied.
"You haven't been around long enough to ask." Rick stated. "You came, you saw, you accused, and now the woman in question is off probably wallowing in her guilt."
"I didn't mean to…" Ben started before trailing off.
"I'm sure you didn't." Rick replied. "But I am sure that you knew how she might react."
"I was too shocked about what I saw."
"Me and Caroline. I get it. But seeing the way she greeted you was just as hard for me."
There was silence again. Not caring to hear any more, I sighed and called out to them, "Rick."
"Linny." He said, his voice immediately in my direction. Stepping out from behind a tree, I moved toward the sound of his voice. "Linny." He said again.
I was close. Seeing their shapes in the night, I stepped up to them, wrapping my arms around myself. Smiling, I waved at them, feeling like opening my mouth would only bring trouble. Rick smiled at me while Ben looked anxious. Nodding at them, I sighed and started out toward home again. They moved to either side of me, escorting me back through the woods. It was awkward the entire way. It was like the words that none of us were saying was putting so much tension in the air that each step was exhausting. It made me almost want to disappear into the dark all over again.
When the gates came into sight, several people were standing there. "Seriously?" I frowned.
"Yeah, well, people care about you." Rick smirked at me, his hand finding my neck.
Sighing, I wrapped my arm around his shoulder, momentarily leaning into his side. Seeing Ben glance at us, I swiftly stepped away from him. As soon as I was through, Maggie's arms were around me.
"I'm fine. Nothing happened. I just fell asleep."
"I'm so sorry." She told me.
Nodding, I sighed, "Me, too."
"You okay?" Glenn asked as he wrapped his arm around me.
"Not really." I replied, forcing a smile for him.
"Running off isn't the answer." Abraham frowned at me.
"I know." I told him. "And I wasn't running. I simply needed space."
"Can't imagine why." Deanna smiled. "Come with me."
My family all brushed against me as I followed her toward her house. "Am I in trouble for leaving?" I asked her.
She laughed lightly, "Of course not. I simply saw the trapped look in your eye and thought you could use just a little bit more space between you and them."
Smiling, I wrapped my arm around her, "Thank you."
Going into her home, we went into the den, both sitting in one of the chairs. As if he knew we were coming, Reg appeared with three drinks, sitting on the couch and looking at us with a smile on his face. He looked so innocent and adorable that both Deanna and I smiled at each other before laughing.
"So, what are you going to do?" Reg asked.
Then we were both frowning. I looked at Deanna before I replied to him. "Well, Reg, maybe you can help me with that. What would you do if you fell in love with one man only to think him dead, spend months getting over him and then when you finally fall for someone else, the said dead man comes back and he's really not dead? Then, to top it off, the little girl of said dead man and the dog that was your kid are both confirmed dead, and you weren't there. What would you do, Reg? Is that answer easy? Not to mention the looks and awkwardness that is surrounding every conversation you have since said dead man and news of death has been discovered. What would you do? Hell, let's make bracelets, WWRD, What Would Reg Do."
I downed the drink and found that the awkward silence was following me everywhere.
"Well, I think this is more of a women's conversation." He smiled and stood.
"I'm sorry." I told him quickly. "I didn't mean to be such a bitch."
"It's all true though." Deanna stated.
Nodding, I sighed, looking into my empty glass.
"I'll get you a refill." Reg smiled and held his hand out for the glass.
"Fill it up, baby." Deanna smiled at him.
Staring at my hands, I ran my fingers through my hair, sighing and feeling drained. When Reg came back, the glass was full of the amber liquid, burning as I downed half of it. I hated hard liquor but I needed the effect of it right now.
"So, what are you going to do?" Deanna asked.
"Do I have to do anything?" I frowned at her.
"Two men are looking to you for answers. One of which is my constable who I would like to see unburdened as soon as possible."
"Meaning?" I frowned.
"Meaning I think he'll be highly distracted until you make a decision. Rick or Ben."
Sighing, I sipped the drink, "I told you about Ben."
"You loved him."
"Love him." I corrected. "He's alive and I still love him."
"And Rick?"
"I love him, too." I replied and took another large swig. "There is just something about him that is exciting and makes me feel alive. He's the opposite of Ben. Ben is kind more than he is hard and Rick is…not." I said and laughed lightly. She nodded and smiled at me knowingly. "What are you thinking?"
"I think you have a complicated decision to make. But I also think you should go home and sleep on it."
Furrowing my brows, I looked at her, "Home is a bed that I share with Rick."
She smiled and nodded at me, "Yup."
"What are you really saying?"
"I think you need to discuss this with him. Ben will be set up with Maggie and Glenn. Maggie's agreed to keep an eye on him."
Nodding, I sighed and finished the drink. "Okay."
For a long moment we just sat there, then she laughed at me, "You don't want to go now, do you?"
"Michonne and Rick have been super close since before me."
She sighed, "I don't think it's that easy."
"No." I replied. "I don't think it is either."
"I think he's cared about you a lot longer than you think. It's finally happened and I feel like he's not going to make it easy to give you up."
Smiling, I nodded, "Thank you."
"Go home." She told me.
"Yes, ma'am."
Getting up, I put my hand against Reg's arm as I passed him, going to the door and letting myself out. The streets were empty, my family had officially dispersed back to their homes. Taking my time, when I finally moved up the steps to my home, I pushed the door open to see lights on. Carl was standing there, obviously waiting for me to come home.
"Hey, Carl. What's going on?" I frowned at him.
"What are you doing?" He shot at me, clearly angry.
"Carl, sweetie, let me explain."
"You don't have to explain. I get it. I just don't see how you can do this to my dad. I thought you loved him."
I swiftly took his head in my hands, "Carl, I do love him. Your father brought me back after I lost the man I thought I'd be with forever."
"And now he's back." Carl stated as he pulled away from me. "So, you're just going to drop my dad?"
"That is not what's happening." I told him angrily. "But don't you think I deserve a few minutes to wrap my head around everything? Don't you think I owe that to your father and to me and to Ben?"
He didn't say anything.
"What's going on?" Michonne asked softly from the landing on the stairs.
"I'm sorry if we woke you." I told her.
She sighed and came down, running her hand down the back of Carl's head. "It's fine."
"We're just talking." Carl told her.
"Sounds more like you're accusing her." Michonne frowned. "Hasn't she had enough of that today?"
He nodded, "Yeah."
"Then why don't you head to bed. You can talk about it tomorrow when everyone has had a chance to sleep and to process." She went on.
He nodded and moved toward the stairs.
"Carl." I said, making him stop. He turned and looked at me. "Even if I'm not with your dad, I'll still love you just as much. That will never change."
"It will if you're not here anymore." He stated and went upstairs.
Sighing, I moved to the couch and dropped onto it. Michonne came and sat next to me, smiling at me with sympathy. Meeting her eyes, I offered her a smile, taking her hand. She held it, waiting for me to say something.
"Be hypothetical with me for a minute." I told her. "If Mike were still alive and he randomly came back into your life after you moved on with someone else, what would you do?"
She simply smiled at me for a long moment, "I would be second guessing everything, just like you are now."
"Okay." I nodded. "Good. For a while there I thought I was being ridiculous."
She laughed lightly, "No, you're not. I can understand your side of it. I can understand Rick's side. Ben's side."
"You understand more than me." I smiled at her.
She sighed, "I understand that this is going to be hard for you. But know that you have family here. We have your back and we won't let anything happen to you. Ben is welcome to stay. But you need to make peace with Rick if you don't choose him. He's a good man. But I'm sure Ben is, too. Don't rush anything, Linny. Just see what happens. Maybe things have changed and Ben isn't who you want anymore. If that's the case it's okay. It's okay to not love him as much as you used to. It's okay to love Rick. God knows he deserves some happiness."
"He does." I said quickly. "He really does and I'm happy to give him that. But before, with Ben, we had the perfect little life."
"But that's gone. It's over." She told me gently. "He may still be alive but maybe your relationship with him is based on that life. Look around at the life you have right now and think of who you can see in your future and how you see them."
"You're right." I nodded. "Thank you."
She squeezed my hand, "Just don't rush into any decisions."
"Okay."
"Promise me."
Smiling, I squeezed her hand back, "I promise."
"Good." She smiled and stood. "Now go to bed."
Laughing, I nodded, following her up the stairs. She went into her bedroom and I went to Carl's and Judith's. Letting myself in, Carl was still awake, looking up at me as I stepped up to Judith's crib. Leaning down, I pressed a kiss against her forehead, running my fingers across her soft hair, breathing in her baby smell. Straightening, I watched her sleep for a few minutes before I turned to Carl. Going to the bed, I forced him to move over, sitting next to him. He had a comic open and was attempting to ignore me, but it wasn't working. He finally lowered it, turning his head and looked at me.
"I know you're mad at me, but –" I started.
"I'm not mad." He told me. "Hurt maybe, but not mad."
"I don't want to hurt you." I frowned putting my arm around him. He leaned into my side, sighing. "I'm just as confused and hurt as you are. It's not easy to think someone dead and then they appear out of the blue alive and well."
"I know." He replied.
"And it's not just him being alive. It's knowing that his daughter and my dog are officially dead. They had been alive after the fire." I said feeling myself grow distant. I could still feel the heat of the cabin fire. "Now they're gone and I wasn't there. He's been through so much and I left him alone to face that. I wasn't there for him and I think that makes it harder." I told him.
"Why are you telling me all this?" He asked.
"Because I trust you." I replied. "I trust you completely and I want you to know these things. I don't want you to wonder what's going on. You're old enough to be confided in and right now I feel better talking to you."
"You're avoiding my dad." He smirked up at me.
Smirking back at him, I rubbed his arm, and nodded, "Yes, I am." We laughed before growing quiet again, "Alright, go to sleep."
He nodded and scooted down as I stood up. Pulling the covers up, I leaned down and brushed the hair aside from his forehead before pressing a kiss against it.
"I love you." I whispered to him.
"Love you, too." He replied. Moving toward the door he said my name, making me turn to him. "I don't want you to disappear."
"I won't." I told him. "I promise you that I won't."
"Good." He said and rolled over.
Pressing a kiss against his hair, I finally left, closing the door behind me. Taking a deep breath, I finally went to the bedroom door, slipping inside of it. Changing into something more comfortable, I crawled into bed. Lying on my back, I looked over and all I could see was Rick's as he lay on his side. Rolling over, I wasn't sure if he was sleeping or not, but I tentatively reached my hand out, trailing my fingers across his skin. Hearing him sigh, I knew that he was awake but he apparently didn't want to look at me. Moving against his back, I pressed my lips between his shoulder blades.
"I'm sorry." I told him. "Rick, I'm sorry."
He rolled over, putting his arm around me, his fingers trailing up and down my back as he met my eyes. "Don't be sorry."
"But I am." I told him, putting my hand against his face. "This is all very unexpected."
"I know." He nodded, pulling me against his chest.
"Rick." I frowned, running my fingers through his hair.
"Linny." He smiled.
Smiling, I shook my head before kissing him, running my fingers down his face, my thumb finding the dimple in his chin. He pulled me tighter against him, wrapping his arms around me before rolling on top of me. Grinning, I encircled his shoulders with my arms, bending my knee at his side, running my other foot against his leg.
"Hey, it was just getting to the good part." I told him when he stopped, leaning away from me.
He grinned and kissed me again, "I'm not going to have sex with you."
"Rick." I frowned at him.
He just smiled and started to kiss me again, "I'll kiss you all you want, but that's it."
"You're mean." I told him but kept my lips against his.
After a little while, he rested partially on top of me, his face pressed against the side of mine. I could feel his breath against my neck and shoulder, the warmth of him comforting. Trailing my fingers up and down his arm that was draped across me, I stared at the ceiling. I was content in this moment. He wasn't mad at me and yet I knew that he was hurting. But right now I was with him and in this moment I felt like it was going to be where I stayed.
When I woke up, I was alone, making me sigh and roll over, hugging Rick's pillow to my chest. Shutting my eyes, I had every intention of dozing, when there was the sound of steps, I shot up, looking to see Ben standing in the doorway. Sighing, I brought my knees up, wrapping my arms around them.
"Hey." I said softly. He just looked at me. I sighed at him. "Come and sit." I told him.
He did, sitting nearly as close to me as he could get, "Hi, Linny."
"Ben." I smiled at him.
"I see you stayed with him last night."
"I've been living with him for months. The sharing of the bedroom is new." I told him.
"How new?" He asked.
"Over a month." I stated.
He nodded, "So you two are together?"
"Yes." I replied honestly.
He nodded again. "So what does that mean for me?"
I frowned at him, "I don't know." He nodded yet again. "Stop nodding at me like that." I told him annoyed. He looked hurt. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to snap at you."
"I'm sorry for just showing up like this. But I didn't know you were here until I got here."
"Good to know." I told him. "I'm kind of glad about that actually."
"Why?" He asked.
"Because you didn't have time to raise your expectations." I smirked at him.
He reached his hand up, gently putting it against my face, "I never thought I'd see you again."
Tears filled my eyes, making me straddle his lap, wrapping my arms around his neck, "Me neither."
He held me tightly, breathing me in. "I missed you."
"I missed you, too." I told him, doing the same.
He smelled the same. I loved that smell. Letting him go, I got off of him, sitting next to him instead.
"I still love you." He told me.
"I still love you." I replied, running my fingers through his hair. "Ben, I am so happy that you're here. I really truly am. You're alive and that means the world to me, but…"
"But?" He asked sadly.
"I'm not the same woman you knew before the fire. Things have happened and I'm not the same as I was."
"You've found a lot more people." He stated.
"And you can stay here with us." I replied quickly.
"Us." He said and nodded. "So, I take it you're no longer mine."
"It's too soon to tell but I can't drop everything just because you're here." I told him honestly. I didn't want to lie to him.
He laughed and stood, starting to pace in front of me. "I've been through hell. I finally found you and you're so engrained with another group that you don't even care."
"I do care." I shot at him. "But do you want me to ask what happened to them? Do you want to tell me how the dead killed Hannah and Mozzie? Do you want to relive it?"
"Stop it." He shot at me.
"What do you want from me, Ben?" I asked him.
"I want you with me." He replied. "Like we used to be."
Shaking my head, I looked at him sadly, "Nothing is like it was before."
"Caroline?" Rick's voice said from the door.
Running my fingers through my hair, I moved around Ben, stepping toward him. "Hey."
"You okay?" He asked, looking at Ben.
"Yeah." I told him, crossing my arms.
Ben looked at us before he smiled, scoffing before he left the room. Watching him go, as soon as he was gone, I couldn't help but feel a little relieved. We needed to have a more in-depth talk about everything, but now wasn't the time. Things were just too weird right now. The realization that he was alive. Knowing what we both had lost. Having moved on without him. This sucked, but I couldn't bring myself to leave the family I had grown to love. I couldn't do it.
"Are you sure you're okay?" Rick asked.
Smiling, I wrapped my arms around his neck, gently playing with his hair, "I will be." His grip tightened and I could sense the protectiveness. Also the jealousy. "It's okay."
"Is it?" He asked.
Running both my hands through his hair, I kissed him, "It is."
"Does this mean I won't lose the girl?" He asked.
"Not today." I smiled and kissed him again.
He kissed me back but he was frowning, "That's not very reassuring."
Brushing my nose with his, I ran my hands up and down his chest, "I know. But promise me something."
"Depends."
"Don't fight with him until I have a chance to work things through with him."
He sighed but nodded, "I promise."
"Thank you." I told him and kissed him again. Then there was the sound of Judith crying. Sighing, I looked toward the bedroom. "She slept in again."
"I'll get her." He said and moved away but I kept his hand.
"I'll get her." I smiled at him, kissing him once more. "You're going to be late if you don't get a move on it."
"That's okay."
"Have you had breakfast yet?" I asked him as I walked to the adjacent room. "Morning, sweet pea." I smiled at Judith, picking her up.
"No. But I'm fine."
"Rick." I frowned. "We have the resources to actually eat here. Please do not skip meals. You need the energy."
"And you could use the weight." He told me with a raised brow.
"And I'm working on that. We all are. We can sustain ourselves here. So please don't –"
"Skip meals." Rick finished for me.
Smiling, I leaned in and kissed him again. He tasted like coffee and toothpaste. Not the best mixture but I didn't mind. He took Judith from me only to have her start to fuss, reaching out for me again. Taking her, I placed her on my hip, starting to move downstairs.
"For how much she loves you, you might as well be her mother." Rick told me with that air of annoyance.
"She loves you more, she just doesn't realize it all the time."
"No, she loves you. Maybe if I grew some breasts and started lactating."
Laughing loudly, I eyed him with disbelief, "Seriously, babe?"
He just grinned and kissed me, practically squishing Judith as he pulled me against him, his lips moving with mine.
"We should have stayed in bed." I told him softly, my words muffled against his mouth.
"Later." He replied before we realized all the eyes that were on us. "Ben." He said when he saw him standing there. "For some reason I thought you left."
"Be nice." I told him.
"I can see why she likes you. You can make her the mom she's always wanted to be." Ben retorted.
"That has nothing to do with it." I stated as I passed the baby off to her brother. "Morning." I told Carl, pressing a kiss against his hair.
"Linny." Daryl said as he pressed a kiss against my cheek.
Then Michonne was next to me, "You okay?"
"Everyone just loves you." Ben went on.
"And everyone doesn't know you." I shot at him. "Stop being an ass."
"I'm not."
"You are. And you're not an ass so trying to be one isn't doing you any favors."
"Because you know me so well."
"Ben." I told him shortly. "Enough."
"I came here for sanctuary and I find the love of my life that has moved on to some redneck –"
"Hey!" I yelled, making everyone jump. "That is more than enough!" Judith started to cry and I swiftly lowered my voice. "You do not get to come here and judge me for the people I'm with. You were dead, Ben. I swore I saw your body. I was wrong and I'm sorry about that. But these people are better than anyone I've ever come across."
"Better than me?" He asked angrily.
"In this moment, yes. You're acting like a spoiled child." I told him, getting a glare from him. "You're better than this, Ben. You're not acting like the man I knew."
"And it's obvious that you're no longer the woman I loved."
"You're right, I'm not, and I told you that."
"So that automatically means you stay with this prick."
"I said enough!" I yelled. "Carl, take your sister for a walk."
"But, Mom." He said looking up at me.
Looking at him, I smiled, "An adult conversation is about to ensue and if something should happen I'd like the two of you to be far away from it." He just looked at me. "Please, sweetie."
"Okay." He said and left.
I waited until I heard the door close before I spoke again. "You do not get to come here and disrespect my family in my own home. What we had was a dream that is long past. Seeing you means the world to me. But we clearly aren't the same people and it is impossible to go back to the way things used to be. We've lost too much and there is so much more we can lose."
"You maybe, but I've already lost everything." He retorted. "I watched my daughter get torn apart by walkers. I had to hear her scream as I tried to save her, only to hold a mutilated arm in my hand. I had to listen to Mozzie scream as the walkers ate into his stomach, his blood and guts spilling out onto the ground."
"Stop it." I told him as nausea filled me.
"I had to bury the pieces when I finally managed to kill them all. But I couldn't find them all so I simply buried the piles of blood."
"Stop."
"I prayed for death but every time I came face to face with it I kept going, knowing that I had to find you." Then he was pulling something out of his pocket. "I wanted to give you this." He threw it onto the counter and I took in Mozzie's collar, stained with blood. "I was going to sugarcoat their deaths but since you're so well off here and so seasoned of the way the world is then I'll just lay it all out for you. I suppose I could have brought you the few teeth that I found. The spare bones from both Hannah and Mozzie."
"Stop it, please."
"That's enough!" Rick yelled at him.
"Bring you scraps of fur. The pieces of bloody fabric that used to belong to my daughter!"
"She said stop!" Daryl yelled before punching him across the cheekbone, sending him to the floor.
Rushing to the sick, I threw up into it, shaking horribly as my mind painted the picture of my family's death.
"That's what I've been facing." Ben told me from the ground, picking himself back up. "I've been walking around, carrying that weight, praying to god that I find you. Now I have and you've forgotten all about us."
"I already thought you dead!" I yelled at him, getting in his face. "I'm sorry I did but it's true and yes, I moved on, but that doesn't mean I forgot. I think about you and Hannah and Mozzie every single day. You're alive and that is amazing and I am so relieved, but after everything how can you be so fucking cold and cruel? Do you want to hurt me so badly because I didn't wait for you? Because I didn't wait for a dead man to find me?"
He just looked at me before storming out. Standing there, everyone was quiet. I was sure they didn't know what to say since I didn't know what to say. I didn't know what to think or how to even react to this. I used to imagine that he was still alive and that we'd have this epic reunion and life would be good. But this was nothing like I had imagined. This was ten times worse than anything I had imagined. This wasn't the way it was supposed to be. We weren't supposed to end up like this. Cold and detached and suffering. I didn't know what to do.
"Linny." Rick said softly, pulling me into his arms.
Wrapping my arms around him, I hugged him as tightly as I could, burying my face in his neck. He pulled me away from him, running his fingers through my hair before taking my head in his hands. Smiling, I put my hand against his face, running my thumb across his lips. He leaned in and kissed me. Melting against his chest, I kissed him back, wrapping my arms around him as I deepened it. Michonne had been right. The life I had with Ben was over. What I wanted had changed and he was no longer the perfect man that I had made him out to be in my mind. We were different people and we weren't meant to be together anymore. I loved the man in my arms right now. We had brought each other back from our grief. He'd saved me and I couldn't turn from him. Not for anything. Or anyone.