Beautiful Disaster

by My Writing Is This

The dead were walking and surviving was imperative. Caroline had hit the ground running. She tried to never look back. She was alone for too long. Learning to live and love again wasn't easy. People still mattered. Many would come in and out of her life and not all was as it seemed. She had to learn to be a person again and to find her place. And the one she was meant to be with.

42. Stupidity and Guilt

Chapter Forty-two: Stupidity and Guilt

Sitting in the gazebo, I held my cup up coffee, spinning the mug, staring into it as I tried to decide what to do. Ben clearly had expectations and I wasn't meeting them. The second he saw me, he knew what he wanted, and I couldn't give it to him. He wanted me and as hard as it was to admit, I didn't want him. Not anymore. The life we had together was over and there was no way to resurrect it. Everything we had together was gone. I'd moved on and I needed him to move on, too. But I had no idea how to help him do it.

"Hey." Maggie said sitting next to me.

"Hey." I smiled.

"How are you doing?" She asked gently.

I nodded at her, "Surprisingly well actually."

"Really?" She frowned.

"Yeah." I told her. "After his scene in the kitchen, I realized that I wasn't in love with him anymore. He's not the same man that I knew and I found someone else that I love more. Not to mention a family that I refuse to leave."

She smiled and nodded, "That's nice to hear."

Sighing, admitting it out loud was far more relieving than I had thought it would be. "I am in love Rick. I love you and Glenn and everyone else. I am sorry for everything that Ben's been through. I really, really am. But I can't change it. I can't bring Hannah and Mozzie back from the dead. I can't take away Ben's pain and I can't give him what he wants."

"Then what are you going to do?" She asked.

"I'm going to try and help him move on. That's all I can do at this point." I replied.

She smiled at me, "If you need anything let me know."

"I will." I nodded at her. "Thank you."

"Hey." Aaron said stepping up to us.

We both looked up at him. I could already tell by the look on his face that I wasn't going to like what he was going to say. "Why do I have the feeling that you have bad news?" I asked him.

He nodded, "He took off."

Setting the mug on the seat, I stood, "When?"

"Maybe ten minutes ago."

"Like he was leaving or he was being reckless?" I asked next. He just looked at me and sighed. "Damn it." I said and started to run.

"Linny!" Aaron said following me to the armory.

"Olivia, I need my gun."

She looked at me before stepping aside, "Whatever you need."

"Aaron." I said handing him his rifle.

Grabbing an extra clip, I rushed out, heading toward the gate. Being let out, I immediately started to run down the road, looking for anything that might make him move into the woods. He was feeling pretty low right now and I knew that he was going to do something stupid. He'd officially lost everything. He lost everything and if something happened to him it would be on me. Again. I'd already abandoned him without my knowledge and now I'd pushed him away. I couldn't handle his blood on my hands. Not right now. Not ever.

"What do you think he'll do?" Aaron asked me.

"Something stupid." I replied.

"Where do you think he would go?"

"I don't know, Aaron." I shot at him.

"Sorry." He told me.

Slowing to a walk, I looked at him, "No, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to snap at you. I'm just worried is all. And frustrated. And really pissed off."

That was when the shots started to go off. Immediately breaking into a run, I barely felt the ground as I raced toward the sound. Seeing movement up ahead, I was focused entirely on that, so when my arm was grabbed, I hit the ground so hard that for a moment I was dazed. Only as fast as it happened, I pulled my knife and stabbed the walker through the temple. Aaron was still rushing forward, killing the walkers that appeared in his path. Getting to my feet, I did the same, tearing the scalp away from one, making my spine tingle, before I thrust my knife up under its chin.

Rushing forward, I saw Aaron on his knees, leaning over Ben. My stomach dropped and I stumbled forward. Another walker gripped my ankle, fighting against it before shooting it through the head. I should have used my knife but I was officially in panic mode. Reaching them, I dropped to my knees on Ben's other side, hovering over him as I took his head in my hands.

"Ben." I said frantically. "Ben, wake up! Was he bit?" I said meeting Aaron's eyes.

"No." He replied. "No, I checked."

"Ben." I said as I leaned closer to him. "Ben, please."

"We gotta get him back." Aaron told me.

Both of us looked up as the groaning and growling of the dead drew closer. "We can't carry him." I stated. "We need help."

He nodded, "I'll stay with him. You run back."

"No." I stated. "No, Aaron. I should stay here with him. He's my responsibility."

"You're faster than me. You can get back, get help, get a car, and get back here a lot quicker than I can." He replied. Contemplating what to do, he gripped my arm. "Linny, you need to do this. For Ben."

Nodding, I stood, looking down at him, then Ben. Taking a deep breath, for a moment I couldn't move. Looking at him like this brought back memories that I didn't want to remember. Aaron said my name, making me nod again before I stepped away from them. Turning, I broke into a run, stabbing the walkers in my path as I bolted toward the road.

The second my feet met pavement, I felt like I was flying, sprinting down the road as fast as humanly possible. God I hated running. I hated it before. I hated it now. Only now it was about surviving and so I ran and I kept running. Even when my lungs felt like they were going to burst and my legs felt like they were liquefying.

When Alexandria came into sight, it wasn't just my lungs that felt like they were going to explode, my heart was pounding so fast that I thought I'd drop dead at any moment. Feeling the tiniest wave of relief, I was still several yards from the gate when I was grabbed, my feet momentarily leaving the ground before I turned to face who had me. Fear flooding my senses as I thought of facing a walker after running so hard. Only the fear was quickly replaced with a wave of emotion.

"Daryl." I said as I shook, practically gasping for air.

"What's going on?"

"Ben."

He didn't ask anything else. He simply nodded and then we were running toward the gate, yelling for them to open it. Racing through them, I yelled for Rick and Glenn and Abraham. I needed the men. I needed them to come and help me carry Ben to safety. I needed them to help me clean up the mess I had made. A mess that I had no idea I was making until it was staring me in the face.

"Caroline." Abraham said as he appeared in a run.

"I need your help." I told him.

"Linny!" Rick said rushing down the road.

"Rick!" I called back as I met him halfway. "He did something stupid."

"What's going on?" Glenn asked as he and Maggie appeared.

"Caroline." Deanna said appearing with Reg.

I was drawing too much attention.

"Get a car. Let's go." Rick told me.

Nodding, I was running again. Rick, Daryl, and Abe were the three with me as I drove like a maniac down the road. It took no time at all, leaving the door open as I ran into the woods. Only when we got to where I'd left them, neither of them were there.

"Aaron!" I yelled. "Ben!"

"What's going on?" Rick asked.

Growling came from all around us. Looking around there were more bodies than I had left behind. The shots must have attracted more than Aaron could handle. He had to move to save them and I was sure they were fine. They were fine. They had to be.

"Daryl." I said looking at him.

He was already looking at the ground, studying it and seeing what no one else could. I knew how to track. I'd been taught well. But in this moment I was starting to freak out. This was too much. I couldn't let Ben die without being able to talk everything out with him. I couldn't let Aaron die. Eric would never forgive me.

"This way." Daryl said as he started to move through the trees.

Following him closely, we were quiet as we listened for either of them. Then the shots rang. They were loud and consecutive. Rushing past Daryl, I moved toward the sound of them, yelling out to Aaron even though I knew I shouldn't. But I didn't feel like catching a bullet as we attempted to save them.

After a few very tense seconds, he called back, only then the group of walkers came into sight. Running the last few yards, I stopped and started letting off shots. I was still firing when the others rushed past me, taking out the stragglers before they were in front of Aaron. The woods were quiet again and everyone was standing in front of a tree. Aaron was telling them what happened. I couldn't see Ben from where I was and it took all of me to take that first step forward. He was an idiot. He put the lives of my family in jeopardy and that was something that I just would not stand for.

Finally moving through the small crowd of men, I took in Ben as he sat leaning against the trunk of a tree. "Are you okay?" I asked as I knelt in front of him.

"Yeah." He nodded. "One got the better of me."

Nodding, there was a brief pause before I slapped him hard across his face, a red hand appearing a few seconds later. There was an audible sound from the men behind me, telling me that they were just as surprised as Ben was. Good. They should be.

"Are you out of your fucking mind?!" I yelled at him. "What were you thinking?!"

"I was thinking it didn't matter anymore!" He yelled back at me.

"It matters, Ben!" I yelled back before lowering my voice. "It always matters."

"I don't matter to you anymore."

"That's not fair." I frowned at him. "And it's not about me and you. Because of you, my family is out here, too. You risk too much."

"I wasn't thinking about them." He shot at me.

"Obviously." I retorted.

"I hate to break up this little fun fest, but I think it would be in our best interest to get a move on it." Abe told us.

"Get up." I told Ben as I helped him to his feet. "Get moving." I added as I shoved him in front of me.

The men in my life surrounded us, leading us back to the car, everyone loading in. We took our time getting back and the entire time I pressed myself against the door, staring out the window. I was pissed. If he wanted to leave then we'd help him leave and he sure as hell didn't get to run off to get himself killed.

It wasn't just me who was silent. No one said anything the entire way back. You could hear the occasional sigh or soft clearing of throats. Other than that it was just the sound of the car. The second we got back I could lay into him. Right now in front of others was not the right time to make a scene.

I straightened as we neared the gates, my hand already on the handle. The second we were parked, I was out of the car, gripping Ben's arms as I forcefully led him to the infirmary. He was fine. I was sure of it. But he was still going to get a once over by Pete just in case. Throwing the door open, I practically shoved him into the end of a table. Rick had followed us but everyone else dispersed now that we were back and everything was fine.

"I'm fine." Ben told me.

"Shut up." I shot at him.

"What's going on?" Pete asked and I could smell the alcohol on his breath.

I wanted to yell at him. I wanted to ask him what the hell he was thinking. He was supposed to treat the wounded. How could he do that if he wasn't thinking clearly? But I didn't yell at him. I didn't ask him what he was doing. I didn't do anything but answer him. Now really wasn't the time to get into it with him. There were other things I needed to worry about before I tried to take him on. I knew it would be nothing but a fight the second I brought it up. The newcomer challenging the one who's been here the whole time. It would look like I was doing it in order to take over the infirmary. Forcing myself back to the present, I looked at Pete.

"Ben was an idiot. If you wouldn't mine, I'd like you to give him a good once over." I told him. "Please and thank you."

"Okay." He smiled.

Watching, shifting back and forth, Pete cleaned a wound on the back of Ben's head. I intently watched every move he made as he looked him over. Moving from head to toe, he was thorough. I couldn't fault him for that. Even though I was still wildly concerned about the stench of alcohol that everyone else seemed to be ignoring.

"He's good." Pete told me. "A bump on the head but that's it. He'll be okay. No bites or scratches. He'll be right as rain." He smiled and stood, taking his gloves off. "I don't even think he has a concussion that we need to worry about."

"Okay." I nodded. "Thank you. We're good to go?"

"Yeah." Pete nodded.

Gripping Ben's arm again, I yanked him from the table and shoved him in front of me. I was a little surprised that he wasn't fighting back. Rick opened the door and I shoved him out of that as well. I kept shoving him, leading him right back to the house. Rick opened the door for me, smiling as I shoved him toward the porch stairs, watching him stumble before he made it to the top of them and through the front door as I shoved him once more.

"Stop shoving me!" Ben yelled as he spun on me, gently shoving me against the wall.

"Hey!" Rick yelled and lunged toward him, only stopping as I held up my hand to him.

Keeping my eyes on Ben's, I couldn't hide my disappointment and anger. "I'll stop shoving you when you pull your head out of your ass and stop trying to kill yourself."

"That's on you!" He yelled as he paced away from me.

"Nothing is on me!" I yelled back. "The only thing that's on me is moving on!"

"You moved on pretty damn fast!"

"It was months after I thought you died when I met Rick. It was even longer that he and I decided to be together. You cannot fault me for thinking you dead." I told him, trying to get him to see my side.

He nodded, "I know. But it doesn't make it hurt any less."

"Killing yourself is not the answer." I shot at him. "You do not get to die as a way to take out your revenge on me."

"That's not what I was trying to do." He told me gently.

"Then what, Ben?" I asked him sadly. "Why would you run out into the woods, let them know you're there, and nearly get yourself killed? You can't do that, Ben. I already lost you once. Just because things are different, it doesn't mean that I want you to die. I need you to live. It gives me hope that this world cannot destroy all of us."

He laughed and kept pacing, "Linny, the world has already destroyed everything I've ever loved. Dying is no longer the worst thing that can happen to me. You should have just let me die out there. It would have saved both of us a lot of heartache."

"Because you don't think I'd mourn you if you died?" I shot at him. "Because you don't think that if I found you eaten or walking among them that that wouldn't destroy me even more?"

"You'd be fine." He said stopping and putting his hands on my face.

"I would not be fine, Ben!" I yelled at him, hitting his hands away from me. "I don't want to be with you anymore. I don't love you the way I used to anymore. But I would still be devastated if anything happened to you. You do not get to take the easy way out."

"Then what do you suggest I do? You have Rick and his kids and this family that you have created. What do you suggest I do? Because if you think I can stay here and live in a place where you aren't mine, you're out of your mind."

"I'm not going to make you stay. I am not going to beg and plead. If you want to go, that's fine. You can go. But let me help you. Let us help you. We can give you provisions and drop you off anywhere you want. You don't have to run into the woods halfcocked." I told him, my voice rising again. He just scoffed at me, shaking his head. "What were you trying to prove, Ben?"

"That you'd come after me." He stated as if that meant something.

"I don't want you do die." I replied. "But I didn't go after you for the reasons you wanted me to."

"You love me."

"I do love you. I'm just not in love with you anymore." He scoffed again and moved toward the door. "Where are you going?"

"Away from you." He replied.

"Ben." I said but he kept going. "Ben!"

"Go fuck yourself." He said nonchalantly before he slammed the door behind him.

Sighing, I wrapped my arm around myself, rubbing between my eyes. Looking at Rick, he seemed to think well of the conversation, a small smile on his lips. Smiling at him, I laughed lightly, knowing exactly what he was thinking.

"I'll keep an eye on him." Aaron told me as he appeared in the doorway.

"You don't have to." I told him.

He smiled at me, "Yes, I do."

"Thank you." I added. "Thank you for everything."

He nodded and left, leaving the room quiet. Looking at the top of the stairs, Carl and Michonne were standing there, Judith in her arms. They started to come down and I swiftly moved to the kitchen, getting myself a glass of water. Drinking it quickly, I filled it again, turning to the island as everyone gathered in.

"Why don't you guys give us a minute." Rick told them.

"Sure." Michonne smiled and took the kids into the other room.

Rick looked at me with a fond expression, "You okay?"

"I am." I nodded. "I'm just pissed off that he thought risking himself like that was a good idea."

"I know." He said coming around the island to me. "But he's still in love with you. He can't accept the fact that you've moved on."

"Well, I have." I told him, leaning into him as he put his arm around me. "I have moved on and am perfectly happy with the man I have."

"Good." He smiled and kissed me sweetly. "Because he's pretty happy with you, too."

"And he deserves to be happy."

"So do you."

Scoffing, I nodded, picking up Mozzie's collar. Rubbing it, I thought of my friend, feeling tears as I thought of what had happened to him. I had thought that knowing would somehow make me feel better. But it didn't. I realized that nothing would make it better. It was just one more thing that I'd have to live with. Even if I wasn't sure how just yet. Mozzie was gone. Hannah was gone. The man I used to love was gone. I couldn't change what happened to them and I couldn't help the pit in my stomach for not feeling guilty for not being in love with Ben anymore. The world had fallen apart and I'd found someone to love more in this world then the last. It didn't seem right. I felt like they'd all been stepping stones to Rick. The love I felt for him was more potent than any I carried for those who still walked this earth.

The collar I held was just a symbol of the life I used to have. A life that had died a long time ago. A life that no longer existed. Going to the garbage, I opened it up and tossed the collar into it. Rick frowned at me, making me feel like I needed to explain.

"That life is over. I can't bring it back and holding onto something that is lost won't do me any favors. I have my memories. They'll be enough."

"Okay." He said softly.

Stepping up to him, I took his face in my hands and kissed him deeply, "Thank you."

"For what?"

"For being you."

He smiled and kissed me again. This whole thing sucked but we would work it out and everything was going to be fine. Ben was the one who was going to be losing everything. If he didn't want to stay than he would lose everything he'd been holding onto. But that was his choice. I couldn't feel guilty for things that happened in the past that were out of my control. If I had thought him alive I would have searched and I would have found him and been with him. I would have never met Rick and even if I had I'd already be with Ben and things would have been different.

But they weren't.

I was happy with the way my life was. If he wasn't than that was on him. The world was unforgiving and if you couldn't figure out a way to live in it than you became what you feared the most. There was no saving someone if they didn't want to be saved. Ben was at the edge between wanting to live and wanting to die. I couldn't make decisions for him and even though there was a good chance that I couldn't save him, I sure as hell was going to try.