Beautiful Disaster

by My Writing Is This

The dead were walking and surviving was imperative. Caroline had hit the ground running. She tried to never look back. She was alone for too long. Learning to live and love again wasn't easy. People still mattered. Many would come in and out of her life and not all was as it seemed. She had to learn to be a person again and to find her place. And the one she was meant to be with.

43. Decide

Chapter Forty-three: Decide

Lying in bed, I stared into the bathroom, watching Rick get ready for the day. Smiling as I watched his muscles move, I was happy. I was happy with him and I knew I would continue to be happy with him. He was everything and I wanted to give him everything. But then I'd think of Ben and everything I took from him. The expectation of finding me alive and picking up where we'd left off. The idea of having a family again. But I couldn't give him that. I couldn't give him anything that he wanted. I didn't want him anymore.

Knocking on the door interrupted my ogling, "Come in."

"Hey." Michonne said as she slipped inside. Smiling, I felt a wave of emotion. She sighed and dropped onto the bed next to me. "It's not your fault." She told me.

"I know." I told her with furrowed brows. "I know that, it's just…"

"You feel responsible for him." She finished for me.

"Yeah." I told her airily.

She smiled, "Hiding in here isn't going to make things better out there."

"I know that, too." I said with a small smile. "But I made my decision. I'm not going anywhere and I am in love with that man in the bathroom there." I added, both of us looking at Rick.

"He's pretty amazing." Michonne smiled.

"He really is." I said and nestled closer to her. "I love you, too, Michonne."

"I love you, Linny." She replied.

Rick turned back into the bedroom, smiling at us, "I might have to get jealous."

"You could just join us." I replied teasingly.

He chuckled, "You'd like that, wouldn't you?"

"Maybe." I said and laughed, grinning at him. "What are you gonna do?"

He raised a brow and smiled as he turned to me. He had been about to put his shirt on but tossed it at me, crawling onto the bed and hovered over Michonne. My mouth gaped open as he leaned down to her as she laughed from underneath him. He feigned a kiss before he jerked toward me, rolling, taking me to the floor with him.

Bursting with laughter, I was on top of him, staring down at him as I trailed my finger from one side of his face to the other as his fingers moved up and down my back. Moments like this seemed rare. Moments where he was playful and wasn't worrying about what everyone else was doing. In moments like this it was just me and him.

Leaning down, I kissed him deeply, whispering, "I am in love with you, Rick. You and only you. You know that, right?"

"I do." He smiled, running his fingers through my hair. "I am in love with you, Caroline. You and only you." Laughing, he pulled my face to his kissing me slow and deep. "That is why you are going to shower and get dressed and together we are going to face this day."

Smiling, I kept kissing him, wanting this moment to last as long as possible. Then I slowly moved off of him, "Only if you promise not to do anything rash."

"He never does anything rash." Michonne smirked.

Laughing, I shook my head, "You're right, what on earth was I thinking?"

"Shower." Rick said pulling on a shirt before his lips found my neck. "You smell good."

"No, I don't." I laughed.

"To me you do." He said sliding his arms around my waist as he walked me toward the bathroom.

Moving as one, my body pressed against his, I brought my hand up to his neck, loving the feeling of his lips against my neck. As soon as we were in the bathroom, he started to undress me, shutting the door to give us privacy. Laughing as I let him undress me, my lips met his and for longer than we should have, we made out like school kids until he walked me into the shower and shut the door.

Singing the entire time, feeling happy in the bubble that was this bedroom, I sang the entire time I got ready. I only stopped when I stood at the door, my hand hovering over the knob. Taking a deep breath, I knew that my happy bubble was about to burst. I was going to have to leave this room and deal with what was going on. I was going to have to be strong and I wasn't sure I could. I was afraid to face him again. Afraid of what he would say. Every time he opened his mouth I felt like I was being cut, making me flinch as I gripped the knob.

Pacing away from the door, I took several deep breaths before I finally opened it. Walking out, I shut the door again, feeling like I needed to keep my bubble safe from all the negative energy. Standing at the top of the stairs, I looked down them, waiting for my stomach to settle.

"What are you doing?"

Shrieking, I slammed into Carl's door, looking at who was there. "Daryl!" I yelled and hit him. "What the hell?" I said hitting him again, but was smiling now.

He smiled and pulled me to him, "How you holding up?"

"I was feeling really anxious until just now." I smiled. "So, thank you for that." He nodded at me. "What are you doing here?"

"I don't want you alone with him." He stated.

Smiling, I sighed, "I'm safe with him."

"He shoved you."

"Lightly."

"Doesn't matter."

"He won't hurt me."

"Maybe not physically."

I didn't have anything else to say. He was right. He had shown to be quite capable of wounding me with his words. He didn't need to be physical to hurt me. Daryl was right, even though I knew I should face him alone, I would feel better to have him with me. To have Rick with me.

"Thank you." I finally told him.

He pulled me against his chest, pressing a kiss against his forehead. "Let's go."

Going downstairs, everyone seemed to be there, smiling and waiting. Going to the kitchen, Carol already had a plate ready for me, holding it up with a smile on her face. Smiling at her, I took it, pressing a kiss against her cheek before going to the table. With everyone watching it was hard to get more than a few bites down, not to mention Rick and Daryl had officially started to hover.

"I'm going to go back upstairs and lock the door if you don't give me at least five feet of space." I told them.

Rick smiled, leaning down and kissed me, "I should go."

"Okay." I told him, taking a bite of eggs.

"Daryl said he'd stay with you." He told me. "Unless you want me to stay."

"Of course I want you to stay." I replied quickly. "But…you have work to do."

He smiled, "Not really."

Laughing, I nodded, "Yeah, but you need to be seen by everyone. In fact, you all need to just go about your business."

"We're here to support you against the douchery of the man who has a massive hard on for you." Abraham stated with anger.

Smiling, I shoveled the food in my mouth to get it over with, taking the plate back to the kitchen. Filling a glass of water, I washed the food down, stilling feeling eyes on me. I wished it was something stronger but it was a little early for that. Not to mention the fact that alcohol wouldn't help despite how much I wanted it.

I finally faced my family, looking at my friend, "And I appreciate that more than I can say, Abe. But I'm a big girl. I can handle him. I lived with him for months. I know him."

"You knew him." He said as he stood and moved toward me. "It's been months since you last saw him. The man's been swimming in shit since then and he's come out with the flavor stuck on him."

"He needs help." I frowned up at him. "I owe it to him to help him."

"You don't, Linny." Glenn told me. "He's not the same. You said it yourself. If he's dangerous then we need to deal with him."

"Deal with him? What are you doing to do, kill him?" I shot at him, crossing my arms. He looked at me sadly. "If you so much as look at him with murderous intent I will walk out of here with him. We aren't murderers, Glenn. We don't just decide that just because one of us gets hurt. We help each other through whatever shit we've got going on. This isn't any different."

"It is different." He replied. "It's different because you thought he was dead and now he's here and you don't know what to do about it."

"And you causing him harm is going to help me with that?" I asked.

He sighed, "No."

"No." I frowned. "And you're right. I don't know what to do about it. But the support I need from all of you is to let me figure it out and just be there for me. Is that too much to ask?" I asked before I left, slamming the door behind me.

Walking as fast as I could, I went as far away from the house as I could get. Taking a deep breath, I slouched against the wall, trying to figure out what I was going to do and who I was really mad at. They were only attempting to look out for me and I couldn't be mad about that. But they couldn't hurt Ben. I would protect him. I was the reason he was out there alone. Getting up, I started to walk to the gazebo. It was a good place for thinking. Apparently I wasn't the only one who thought so.

"Hey." I said softly.

"Hey." Ben replied.

"Can I sit?" I asked. He nodded. "I know you hate me right now. You were expecting more from me and I've fallen short of that."

"It's not your fault." He said with as kind a tone he could muster.

"But leaving was." I frowned at him. He met my eyes. "I saw what I was most afraid of and I simply believed it and left. There was nothing there for me anymore. You were all gone and I couldn't deal with that. I nearly died but was found and taken to a different community."

"Taken?" He frowned.

"It wasn't by choice." I told him. "I was hurt and running from walkers. I was going to die and I passed out. But I woke up in a bed in a community I never knew existed."

"Did you go back to the cabin?" He asked, his tone softer.

I nodded, "I did. Several times."

He nodded, "I thought you were dead too, Linny." It was my turn to frown at him. "You ran off and there were gunshots. You didn't come back and with the fire and everything, even after we got out, you weren't there."

"Why didn't you take the horses or anything with you?"

"There wasn't time. And I know a lot less about them than you do. I just had to get away from there. I searched the woods for you but you were just…gone. I didn't know what that meant so I told Hannah that you were alive and that we'd find you. I told her so many times that I started to believe it. But I knew. I knew, Linny. You were either dead or one of the walkers." He said and took a deep breath, letting it out slowly. "I couldn't handle either of those so I just kept moving and kept lying to her. Then when she was gone, finding you became my mission. It's what kept me moving. It's what kept me alive."

"I'm so sorry, Ben." I told him as tears filled my eyes. "I am so very sorry."

"You didn't look at all?" He asked with a hurt expression.

I shook my head, "I saw you in the cabin. You were dead. I had no reason to believe that you were alive and so I just…died inside. I was dead for a long time." I told him, meeting his eyes. "I was with people and I became a murderer. I killed before I met you but I became ten times worse after you. I killed without thought and without question. I was actually starting to like it."

"That's not you, Linny." He frowned.

"It was." I nodded at him. "For a long time it was. It was me before you and me after you. You were the light in the dark."

"And after, when you met Rick…?"

I smiled, "He was the light, too."

"Everyone seems to adore you."

"I'm easy to like." I said and nudged him. "But we've been through a lot together. I should be dead more times than I can count. We've saved each other. We've become family and then we found this place and it was like we could finally be whole again. I didn't think it could get any better and then they brought you here."

He laughed lightly, "Only I've been more of a nightmare than anything else."

"Yeah, you have." I told him honestly. "But I know that that's not you. It's who this world has made you become but it's not you. The Ben I know is kind and compassionate and wants to help people."

He laughed harder, "You used to always tell me that that would be what would kill me. You were the hard one that killed and I was delusional to think that I wouldn't have to. I've killed people but it always killed me. After the fire and Hannah and Mozzie…I killed, Caroline. I killed and I realized that you were right all along."

"I don't want to be right." I frowned.

"Doesn't matter. You still were." He said and sighed.

There was a long pause before I asked the hard question, "What are you going to do now?"

He met my eyes again, putting his hand against my face, "I have no idea."

"What do you want to do?" I asked next.

"What do you want to do?" He countered.

"I want to stay here with Rick and my family and keep surviving like we have been." I told him honestly.

"What do you want me to do?" He asked next.

Sighing, I took his hand, holding it in both of mine, "I don't know, Ben. I have no idea what I'm supposed to do." He put his hand against my face, gently pulling it toward his. "Ben." I said stopping him.

He scoffed, letting out a small laugh, "I guess we really are over."

I nodded, "We are, Ben. But I'm still so fucking happy to see you alive."

His hand found my face again, "You, too."

"Linny?" Rick said from behind me.

Ben frowned, sighing before taking his hand back, "I guess you gotta go."

"No, I don't have to go. But I do have to talk to him." I smirked. Getting up, I stepped up to Rick. "Hey."

"Everything okay?" He asked.

"So far, so good." I smiled at him, crossing my arms.

"What's the plan?" He asked next.

"We're talking." I frowned at him.

"And?"

"And what, Rick? We're talking. What do you think I'm doing or what do you think I should be doing?"

"I just…" He started.

"You want me to kick him out right now?" I frowned.

"No."

"Then let me talk to him. Nothing is happening."

"Alright."

Sighing, I moved him out of sight from Ben, talking softly, "Rick, nothing is happening. I'm not going to let anything happen. I am in love with you. Him being here doesn't change that. It doesn't change anything. I just – I want to spend a little time with him. Especially if he's not going to stay."

"Okay." He nodded, taking my face in his hands. "I love you."

I smiled at him, "I know."

"Be safe."

"I will."

Watching him walk away, I went back to Ben, seeing him now standing and looking at me sadly. Stepping up to him, leaving very little space, I tilted my head up to look at him, remembering all the moments we had together. All the effort he had put into our relationship. All the fights and the happiness we shared.

He smiled and put his hands on my arms, "You're starting to look at me the way I remember."

I nodded at him. "Yeah." The word was more air than sound. "You were a miracle, Ben. I was so broken when I stumbled into you. Then you died and I was shattered. Then I met Rick and his group and I was put back together piece by piece. You and Hannah and Mozzie haunted me for months. I used to feel you touch me and used to hear Hannah laughing and Mozzie barking. I was haunted."

"Until Rick."

"I still have nightmares." I told him. "Sometimes."

He stared at me for a long moment, "I just want to kiss you."

Smiling, I nodded, "Me, too." He leaned down to me, but I lifted my hand, putting my fingers against his mouth. "But I'm not going to. That will open up a wound that took a long time to scar over. I can't do that. Not to me. Not to you. More importantly, not to Rick."

"I understand." He told me, gently taking my face in his hands.

"Want me to show you around?" I smiled at him.

He nodded, "Yeah."

It was almost effortless to spend the rest of the day showing him everything that Alexandria was. It was almost too easy to fall into the way we used to be. It felt like old times. He relaxed and was the same playful, happy guy that he was when I met him. He bounced movie quotes back and forth with me like we used to. We talked about all the arbitrary things that had nothing to do with this world. A reminder of what we had and what we could have. It felt the same and when I looked at him, I was back at the cabin in the happy life that we had created.

A child laughed and I spun, seeing a young boy run by. Sighing, I looked up at Ben, "Sorry."

He smiled and nodded, "I hear her laughing all the time."

"We ran into a few dogs when we were on the road." I told him. "We were hungry and tired and so were they. One was a shepherd," I said and couldn't help but smile, "and I would have done just about anything to win him over and take him with us." Then my smile faded. "But before I could do anything they were blown away. All of them." He frowned down at me. "For food."

"You ate dog?" He frowned with shock.

"Of course not." I replied quickly.

He nodded, "For a second I was going to be extremely surprised."

I smiled and shook my head, "I couldn't bring myself to do it."

"I wouldn't think so."

I laughed a little, "It's like you know me or something."

"Only everything."

Smiling, I nodded, even though I knew that there were things I hadn't told him. But he still knew just about as much as anyone. He knew more about the me from before. Rick knew more about the me from now. Between the two of them it was pretty even. Making my mind give and take as it played tug-of-war.

"So…" He said as the air between us grew quiet.

"So…" I smiled as I looked at my hands.

"It's been a nice day."

Now I looked up at him, "Very nice. I've missed you."

"I've missed you, too."

"Mom!" Carl called as he jogged toward us.

I frowned, "Everything okay?"

"Yeah." He said wrapping his arm around me. "Dinner is almost ready."

I nodded, moving the hair from his forehead, "Let's go."

"Caroline." Deanna said as she walked toward us.

"I'm so popular all of a sudden." I said softly as I turned toward her, pulling Carl closer to me.

"A word?" She smiled.

I looked at Carl who looked uneasy and then at Ben who had a very similar expression. "Of course." I told her. "Carl, will you please take Ben to the house. I'll be there in a few minutes."

He nodded, "Okay."

"Thank you." I said pressing a kiss into his hair. "Tell your dad to be good." I added and smirked as I moved him away from me. Then I looked at Ben, "You be good, too."

He put his hand against my face, smiling, "Yeah."

Then I was walking down the road with Deanna. "How are things going?" She asked.

I sighed, "Feels like old times."

"And with Rick?"

"I'm happy." I smiled. "Rick makes me happy."

"So?"

"So, I will have to let Ben go. But it's been so nice to see him. He looks the same. He smells the same. He feels the same. It's just…"

"Not enough anymore?" She smiled.

"It's not that." I frowned. "It's just…different. They can't be the same and I'm not the same. I'm…Rick's. I am Rick's and I can't – nor want to – change the way I feel about him. Ben is amazing but he's not Rick."

She smiled, "He'll be pleased to hear that."

I laughed, "He already knows. I just have to tell Ben that, as bluntly as that, and let him make his own decisions."

"I think he's already made it." She said as she looked back the way we'd come. "I think you both just needed one more good day."

Smiling, I nodded at her, though as soon as she said it, the truth of it dropped on top of me like a bucket of cold water. Tears filled my eyes and then her arms were around me, letting me cry into her, gripping her tightly.

One more good day.

One more.

I knew I was going to have to let him go. He needed to make his own decision on whether to stay or not. But I knew that he would go. I would tell him the truth and he would leave. The thought making me feel like I was losing him all over again. Feeling as if I could feel the fires heat against my skin.

"I know, sweetie." She told me. "It's going to be hard. But you are strong, Caroline. You are stronger than you think and you can handle anything that happens. You were made for this world and I know you will bounce back from this."

Laughing, I let her go, wiping the tears from my cheeks, "Made for this world?"

She nodded, "Yes, Caroline. You are in your element and you can fit into any scenario. This has definitely set you back a little, but you will come back stronger than ever."

Sighing, I nodded as I crossed my arms, "Okay."

"You don't believe me, do you?"

"I think I'm more focused on the pain right now than what's going to come after." I replied. "He's going to leave and I don't know if I can handle that."

"Would you leave with him? To protect him?"

Looking at her, I sighed again, "No."

"No?" She smiled.

"I belong here." I replied. "I belong with Rick. I'm not going anywhere."

Her smile grew, "Good."

Smiling, I nodded, "Yeah."

"I guess you should go to dinner." She added.

Looking at the house, I nodded, "Wanna come?"

She laughed lightly, "I don't think I want to know what's going on in there. And you need to do this on your own. I can't be there to buffer you."

"Jerk." I smirked at her.

She laughed harder, "Go to your men, Caroline."

Sighing, I nodded, attempting to loosen my neck a little. "This is gonna be fun."

She gently shoved me, "Go."

"Thank you." I told her before moving toward home.

Walking slowly, I was anxious to get there and at the same time I found myself slowing down even more. Taking slow deep breaths, I let them out just as slowly, trying to calm my nerves. My heart was pounding in my chest and I didn't know what to do or say when I walked in there. I couldn't just come out and tell Ben that he should go. That he was right to leave and that I wasn't going with him. Or to tell him to stay but I was staying with Rick and we would never be together again. Both seemed cold and heartless when all I wanted to do was make it better but every scenario made me feel worse.

Standing at the base of the stairs, I should have gone in to make sure everyone was getting along. But everyone should be in there and, if anything, I knew that Maggie would keep everyone in line. Deciding that I wasn't ready, I sat on the steps listening to the voices inside. They were talking and laughing, making me wonder who was being laughed at. It sounded like everyone was having a good time. I didn't want that to change. Happiness was rare. I wanted the sound of them to last forever.

"What are you doing out here?" Daryl asked as he sat next to me. "Shouldn't you be in there?"

I nodded, "Yup." He just looked at me. "I'm not going anywhere, Daryl." I added. "This is my home. You are my home. Everyone is. And I'm in love with Rick. I fell out of love with Ben a long time ago. He was dead and I had to move on. I'm just not sure how I'm going to tell him that; to make him understand that I'm not trying to hurt him. I wish him everything that this life has to offer, it just can't be with me anymore."

He just looked at me before glancing over my shoulder. He gave me a sympathetic expression, pressing a kiss against my hair before he stood and down the stairs, "You just did."

Frowning at him as he walked away, I looked over my shoulder to see Ben standing at the top of them. Sighing, I ran my fingers through my hair, bowing my head as I focused on the stair between my legs. I listened intently as his loud steps slowly rang in my ears before he was sitting next to me. I couldn't bring myself to meet his eyes. He sighed loudly, wrapping his arm around me. Feeling tears again, I covered my mouth, trying not to make any sound. He pulled me into him, wrapping his arm around my head as I pressed it against his chest. His other was firmly around me, holding me tightly as I cried.

"I'm so sorry." I cried into him.

"It's okay, Linny. We both knew how this was going to go." He replied. Leaning away from him, I met his eyes, hot tears falling down my cheek. He smiled as he brushed them away with his thumb. "I was never going to stay."

I smiled at him, nodding, "One more good day."

He chuckled lightly, nodding back at me, wiping the hair from his face, "One more good day."

Taking slow deep breaths, I wiped my cheeks dry, nodding before I got up. "Let's feed you, let you get a good night's sleep, give you supplies, and then…"

He smiled as he stood, "And then I'll leave."

The tears started again and he pulled me against his chest. Covering my face with both my hands, I pressed my forehead against him, not caring anymore about how loud I was being. This whole thing sucked and for a moment I felt like I was making the wrong decision.

"Linny." Rick's voice interrupted us.

Leaning away from Ben, I looked up at him, smiling as I once again wiped the tears and snot from my face. Ben ran his hand across my hair, pressing a kiss against my forehead. Looking up at him, I smiled and nodded. He let me go and went back inside, leaving Rick and me alone.

My boyfriend stood there a minute before he held his hand out to me. Going up the steps, I took it and he swiftly pulled me into his arms. Crying again, I gripped him as tightly as humanly possible, burying my face in his shoulder.

"I don't know if this is good or bad." He told me softly.

Letting him go, I crashed my lips against his, kissing him urgently. He let me, his arms still firmly around me. "He's leaving." I finally told him, taking a deep breath to try and steady myself. "He's leaving and that makes me really sad."

"Why?" He frowned.

"Because I already thought him dead once. The thought of him being out there alone again because of me makes me sick. He should stay. But if he stays he'd have to live with the fact that I am no longer his. I'm not in love with him anymore. He knows that. He can't accept that so he's leaving. It's too painful for him to stay."

Rick nodded, "That's big of him."

"Am I supposed to just let him?" I frowned at him. "Just let him walk out of my life? It might actually be for forever now."

He gently ran his fingers through my hair, taking his face in his hands, caressing my face with his thumbs. "It's his decision to make."

Feeling tears again, I nodded at him, "And I really want to let him make his own decision but…I don't want to send him out to his death."

"He made it this far." He nodded.

Frowning, I was suddenly pissed at him, "Are you saying this out of jealousy?"

"What?" He frowned back at me.

"Is this some sort of competition to you? Do you want him to leave because you're worried about what might happen?" I shot at him. He didn't say anything. "Please tell me that that isn't it." I added, feeling my energy drain from my body. "Please, Rick."

"That's not it." He told me. "I trust you. I don't feel threatened by him. I just don't want you to feel like you're to blame for any of this. You did what you had to do. You did what you thought was right. You don't owe him anything."

I nodded, "Yeah, well, I feel like I do."

"Linny." He said softly.

Sighing, I hugged him, resting my head against his chest, listening to his heart beating. "I'm with you, Rick. I just don't know what to do."

"You're going to do whatever you feel is right." He told me.

Shutting my eyes, I just stood there with my arms wrapped around him. The scent of him calming and familiar. Ben was familiar but it didn't feel like this. I knew what I had to do. It didn't mean that it wasn't going to hurt like hell.

"Hey." Maggie said coming outside, closing the door behind her. "Should we start without you?"

"No." I told her, rubbing Rick's back as I let him go. "We're coming."

He took my head in his hands and kissed me deeply, "I love you."

"I love you, too." I smiled at him.

Going inside, I faced my family with a smile on my face. I sat there and we all talked and laughed and ate. Ben found it fun to tell everyone all my embarrassing stories from the months we had lived together. He had mentioned Hannah and Mozzie without losing the smile from his face. He had put them in the past and had moved on. That's what we all did. It was what we had to do.

When dinner was over, we all moved to the living room, once again sitting and talking to each other. People were asking questions and Ben was more than happy to answer them, making heat rise in my cheeks and everyone else laugh. He had always been good at making people laugh and making the atmosphere light and happy. Abraham had gotten everyone beers and enjoyed bantering with Ben a little making the room roll. I was next to him on the couch, leaning against Rick, his arm around me, keeping me against his chest.

It was late when everyone started to filter out, leaving just me, Rick, and Ben awake. Maggie was asleep in one of the chairs, having stayed under the impression that she would be taking Ben back home with her. Waking her gently, I sent her home before sending Ben up to mine and Rick's room.

"You sure you're okay with this?" I asked him.

"You're just going to be sleeping next to the guy." Rick stated. "I'll crash here on the couch. I don't mind at all."

I nodded, "Thank you, baby. I really do appreciate it."

"Anything for you."

Smiling, I kissed him, "I love you."

"I love you." He said kissing me again. "And it's only for one night. Just sleep on my side of the bed."

I laughed lightly, pressing my lips to his, telling him again, "I love you."

"I'll see you in the morning."

Smiling, staring at him, I gripped his fingers until I was too far away, making my way upstairs and to my bedroom where a man who wasn't my boyfriend was waiting for me. Opening the door, he was sitting on the end of the bed, rubbing his hands together with his elbows on his knees. As soon as I was through, I shut the door, turning to him to see him on his feet.

"Are you sure this is okay with him?" He asked.

I nodded, "Yeah. Just, sleep on the right side."

"Why?" He frowned.

"Because that's my side of the bed." I replied. "Per Rick's request."

He laughed, "He's a good man, Linny."

"He really is." I nodded again.

Changing into something more comfortable, he stripped to his boxers and crawled into my side of the bed. Doing the same at Rick's, it felt weird to be on the opposite side of the bed. For a while we just laid on our backs, staring at each other. Then he rolled over and faced me. Doing the same, I smiled, putting my hand against his face.

"I'll always love you, you know." He told me.

"I know." I smiled. "I'll always love you, too. I'm sorry it all went down the way it did."

"Me, too. But I understand, Linny. I get it. And you've done well for yourself. These people are amazing. I'm happy for you."

"They could be your people, too, you know."

"I know." He smiled. "But it wouldn't be the same and I don't think I can be here if I never get to be with you again."

Sighing, I nodded at him, "I understand."

He nodded, "I figured you would."

Staring at each other, I watched him fall asleep. I knew I should sleep but I couldn't bring myself to do it. Instead I just laid there, watching him, knowing that this would be the last time I'd sleep next to him. It was probably going to be the last time I'd ever be with him. The thought made sleep impossible and I couldn't take my eyes off of him.

When I couldn't take anymore, I got up and went downstairs, looking at Rick who was sleeping on the couch. Stepping to the front of it, I put my knee on the cushion and gently lowered myself down on top of him. I heard him chuckle as he wrapped his arms around me. Shutting my eyes, I fell asleep against his chest.

Waking to Rick shifting, I shot up, startled for a moment before I sat back down. "Hey." I said to him.

"Hey." He said softly. "You okay?"

I nodded, "Sure."

He smiled and tilted my chin up, kissing me sweetly, "You better get back up there."

I smirked at him, "So I can pretend to have been there all night?"

He chucked softly, nodding, "Yes. It's more for him than you anyway. You couldn't sleep without me for one night."

Sighing, I relaxed against him, letting him hold me up, "I do kind of like you, you know."

"I had my suspicions." He said and kissed me sweetly.

"I love you." I beamed at him.

"I love you." He replied. "Now go."

Nodding, I went back upstairs, opening the door to see Ben still sleeping. Lying back down, I put my hand against his face, smiling at him. Falling asleep again, I was woken by lips against my cheek, opening my eyes to see the blue of Ben's. Smiling, I stared at him, wanting to memorize every inch of his face and the feeling of his touch. I had forgotten.

"We should probably get up." He told me.

"We probably should." I replied. "But I'm not ready quite yet."

"If we don't, we never will. At least I won't." He stated and got up. "Mind if I shower?"

"Of course not." I told him with furrowed brows. "I'll have breakfast waiting for you downstairs."

"Make it a smorgasbord." He smirked. "Last meal and all."

I rolled my eyes, "It's not your last meal, Ben. We'll set you up nice. Then it will be up to you to keep it."

"Are you saying that I won't be able to?"

"You've made it this long. I'm sure you can handle yourself." I smiled and left, closing the door behind me. Going downstairs, Carol was already making breakfast, talking to Rick in hushed voices. "Morning." I told them.

"Morning." Rick smiled, embracing me as I moved against his side.

"How you holding up?" Carol asked.

"I'm gonna be fine." I told her. "Just don't think worse of me if I turn into a blubbery mess the second he leaves."

"Never." She smiled.

Rick pressed his lips against my temple, whispering, "I love you."

I turned my head into him, whispering back, "I love you, too."

Helping Carol, I felt the need to keep myself distracted. As soon as Ben was in sight, I sat him down, serving him the biggest breakfast of his life. Leaving him to eat, I went back upstairs to shower, wanting the few minutes alone to try and prepare myself for what was going to happen next. Standing under the stream, I jumped when I felt fingers against my back. Turning, I laughed lightly as I looked at Rick. He simply smiled and started to kiss me. Pressing my back against the wall, the water flowed over us, making it too easy to rub against each other, being aroused despite the day's circumstances.

Already breathing hard, I ran my hands across his hair, kissing him repeatedly as I felt him harden against me. Shifting so he was between my thighs, he smiled, gripping my ass as he lifted me up the wall. He moved closer to me and I reached down, positioning him so he could slide into me with ease. Keeping my legs tight around him, he rocked against me, pressing me hard against the wall as he quickened his pace. Gripping his hair, I pressed the side of my face against his, breathing heavily as pleasure started to course through me. Feeling myself start to tighten around him, I arched backward, feeling his lips against my chest. I couldn't help the happy moan that escaped me as I felt him release, climaxing together. Laughing lightly, our lips continued to graze flesh as we showered together, taking far longer than we should.

Finally leaving the room, I couldn't help but be all smiles. Rick had successfully distracted me and I knew that the right decisions were being made. Going back downstairs, Maggie and Glenn were here, both talking with Ben. He would fit in so well here and yet he was leaving. Stepping up to them, I wrapped my arm around Ben's waist, leaning into his side.

"Hey." He said and pressed a kiss into my hair. "I guess I should get going. I want to make a decent dent in the day."

Nodding, I had to swallow emotion despite the smile on my face. "Yeah."

The door opened and Aaron came in, holding a full pack, complete with a frying pan, sleeping bag, and lantern. He smiled at me sadly as he stepped into the kitchen with the rest of us. He looked around the room, looking as guilty as I felt.

"Here." He told Ben as he handed it over. "This should get you pretty far as long as you ration. Rosita is getting a couple jugs of water ready for you, too. It might be heavy but I think you'll manage."

"Thank you." Ben said holding out his hand.

Aaron smiled and took it, "I'm sorry to see you go."

"Me, too." Ben smiled and glanced at me. "But I've made it this far. I'll survive."

"Yes, you will." I smiled up at him.

Ben took a deep breath, "Alright, let's do this."

Holding as tight to his hand as I did when he'd arrived; we left and moved toward the gates. Walking slowly, I tried to keep my breathing even as I attempted not to breakdown. This was it. The moment I would once again say goodbye to him. But he was alive. There was always a chance that I would see him again. Or he might even change his mind and come back. At least I would know that he was alive somewhere out there. He knew how to survive. He would make it.

When we stood in front of the gates, I couldn't help the tears as I smiled up at him. "Please take care of yourself."

"I will." He smiled. "Maybe we'll even meet again someday."

"I hope so." I told him. "I kind of love you, you know."

"I love you, too."

Stepping back toward Rick, the inner gate was opened and Ben looked out at the outside world. Crossing my arms, I was still attempting not to cry, looking back up at Ben. He smiled, staring at me.

Looking at Rick, I sighed lightly, "Don't get mad at me."

He smiled and nodded, "I figured it was coming."

Smiling, I looked at Ben, rushing forward and threw my arms around his neck, hugging him tightly. Then I let him go, keeping one arm around his neck, my other hand against his face as I kissed him. I kissed him like I used to. The passion was gone but I couldn't let him go without kissing him one last time. Finally letting him go, it lasted longer than it probably should have.

"Be safe." I told him. "Pay attention to your surroundings. Be careful who you trust."

"I will." He told me. "You, too."

"Always."

He laughed and kissed me once more. "For good luck."

Laughing, I nodded, "I hope it worked."

The outer gate was opened and he stepped out, turning back once more before he turned and walked down the road. As soon as both gates were closed, I let out the breath I had been holding, letting a tear fall down my cheek.

"He's gone." I said as I stared at the gates. "Again."

"He's alive." Maggie said as she wrapped her arm around me. "He'll be okay."

Nodding, I bowed my head, covering my eyes as my shoulders bounced. Moving out of her embrace, I walked away from everyone, wanting just a few minutes to once again grieve my loss. Even though he was still alive, it still felt like I was losing him all over again. Going to the gazebo, it was quiet and I knew that everyone would give me space.

All but one.

Rick sat down without saying a word. He wrapped his arm around me, pulling me against his side. I cried into him, letting out all my emotion, hoping Ben couldn't hear me from the other side of the walls. I thanked God for Rick. He may not be the kindest or the funniest or the most playful, but he was everything I needed. He was everything to me and I knew that I had made the right decision. Ben had made the right decision. But it didn't change the fact that it hurt like hell.