Trigger Warnings: Discussions of pregnancy & abortion.

THREE

"Woah, what happened here? Glad I brought some extra." Castle proclaimed when he arrived at his partner's desk to find a coffee massacre had taken place. Her vacant chair was pushed back a foot from the desk, where a takeaway coffee mug had overturned. Milky-brown liquid had then created a river from the rim of the cup, across the desk towards her computer keyboard, and then waterfalled down over the side of the desk and onto the floor.

He placed the two take-away cups in his hand at the far edge of the desk where they would be safe and clear of the mess. Then, he carefully picked up the knocked over cup and from its weight felt that not much coffee remained inside. At least the accident had happened towards the end of her beverage and not the beginning.

Gazing over Beckett's computer monitor, Castle called out, "Hey Ryan, are there spare paper towel rolls in the breakroom?"

"Yeah, why?"

"Beckett spilled her coffee," he said, gesturing with the now empty cup.

"Ohhhh so that's why she's been in the bathroom so long—I bet she spilled some on herself. But yeah, the extra paper towels are underneath the counter to the left of the sink."

"Thanks."

After retrieving a roll, Castle made quick work of the spill, which hadn't been as bad as he originally thought. He wondered if wiping the desk with a dry paper towel would be enough or if doing so would result in sticky residue, which would undoubtedly annoy anyone, his partner included. As he debated washing up with soap, which realistically would have required rearranging her desk a bit more than he felt comfortable without her permission, Castle realized that Beckett still had not returned from the bathroom though he'd been wiping up for at least two or three minutes. Considering Ryan had already made a comment about her being away "so long," that made him curious.

Feeling a niggling concern deep in his gut, Castle returned the paper towel roll to the kitchen and then crossed the hall to where the men's and women's restrooms were. He stood awkwardly in front of the women's door for a moment, not sure how to proceed. Societal taboo prevented him from simply barging inside yet going and fetching one of the female officers to check on her seemed rather silly. He hovered by the door for several seconds, debating his choices, when he ultimately decided it would be okay if he opened the door slightly and called out for her as long as he didn't stick his head inside.

Using the heel of his hand Castle slowly pushed open the door, but before he could say anything, his ears were alerted to the sound of violent sobs. These tears were not the ones of frustration one might have in the wake of ruining their favorite blouse or pair of pants with a stubborn coffee stain, but instead those of the gut-wrenching variety that came along with a major—and generally horrific—life event.

His concern elevated to maximum level, Castle pushed open the door and stepped inside calling out, "Beckett? Is that you?" He stood frozen by the trash can for several seconds, listening to the pitiful cries and hoping for a response. After ten more seconds, he took two more steps into the room and began to observe the area.

The women's restroom mirrored that of the men's, which he had used many times during his time as a police consultant. Two sinks hung on the wall just in front of him with a soap dispenser in between them. To his right, there were three toilet stalls, unlike in the men's which had two toilets and one urinal. Castle could see that two of the stall doors hung open enough for him to assume that no one was inside. The third and furthest from him was shut tightly.

"Beckett?" he ventured again, feeling it safe to take several steps in her direction. He stood awkwardly in front of the first sink for almost a minute before a terrible thought hit him: what if the distraught woman wasn't Beckett? What if Beckett, having soiled her shirt or pants, had gone down to the locker room to change? What if her outfit was destroyed such that she had to go all the way home to change? If that was the case, what did that make him? The creepy man in the women's bathroom trying to talk to a crying stranger.

Though it stood to reason that if the woman crying did not recognize his voice she might have called out in protest or yelled at him to leave, he still felt it prudent to try to identify her. As the bathroom stall doors did not go all the way to the floor, he decided to crouch down and try to see the woman's shoes. If the shoes were the perfunctory black loafers that went along with the women's uniforms, he would know the woman was not Beckett.

Cautiously, so as not to accidentally see too much of the poor woman, Castle crouched down until he could just barely see beneath the stall door. He could see the pointed tips of the woman's shoes enough to determine they were not the uniform-standard shoes, but the footwear was not what drew his attention the most. No, instead, what he caught a glimpse of a pink box that rested between the edge of the stall and the wall. The box was ripped open, but the black "PREG" text he could see told him all he needed to know. The story fell into place in an instant.

"Oh Beckett." He sighed out and rose back up into a standing position. He walked over to the stall door and tapped his knuckles gently against it. "Beckett it's going to be okay; I promise you that it will. Can you open the door for me?"

Before she could respond, the main bathroom door squeaked open and Castle's head instinctively whipped to his right. He found himself face to face with an obviously startled administrative assistant wearing a tan business suit. Forcing a charming smile across his face he said, "Hi, sorry, my partner isn't feeling well. Could you come back in a few minutes please?"

She stared at him wide-eyed for another few seconds before scurrying back out the door. Unsure of whether or not the woman believed him or was about to report him for being inappropriate, Castle turned back to the closed stall door. "Kate, let me help you. Please. Tell me what I can do."

Silence persisted for nearly fifteen seconds, making Castle worry that she had entered some sort of hysterical state where she could no longer hear the outside world, but ultimately, he heard the latch on the door click open. When the door swung wide, he saw her face splotched with red, piles of toilet paper used as facial tissue on her lap. He felt his heart shatter from how broken she looked and, god, he wanted to fix her. He would have done anything in that moment to take her pain away, to make it all better, but sadly there was very little he could do other than be her friend.

For the prior few months, ever since their open and honest conversation about the state of their marriages, Castle truly believed that their friendship had blossomed to a new level. They had grown steadily closer over their year of partnership, but now things somehow felt more intimate between them. That wasn't to say that they were intimate in any sense of the word—they'd barely done more than shake hands, but they shared more personal stories with one another. He'd learned more bits and pieces about her parents and her life before Grant and he'd shared some stories from his childhood and college years as well—not that he'd ever been as tight-lipped about his past as she previously had been. Still, it was nice to share.

Given everything he knew about her and everything he'd recently learned, Castle knew one thing for certain: Kate was not interested in having children—at least not in the near future. Thus, he felt confident that he had not misread her tears as joy and relief for a long-awaited pregnancy, but instead they resulted from fear, uncertainty, and, possibly, disappointment.

Though it took her another minute to do so, Kate gathered up her tissues and pregnancy test and slowly made her way out of the bathroom stall. As she passed him she said, "There's nothing you can do," in the most defeated tone he'd ever heard from her.

Noticing that she had forgotten the pregnancy test box, he picked it up and then let the stall door swing shut. "There's always something that can be done, Kate."

She scoffed when she stood in front of the mirror and began to wash her hands. "Grant wants a baby. He wants to start a family so I can stop all this 'police nonsense.' He'd never let me terminate."

Forcing his mind to skip past the "police nonsense" comment, Castle suggested, "What he doesn't know can't hurt him." Kate turned and gave him an incredulous look, so he held up his hands defensively. "I know, I know, and I'm not trying to encourage a web of lies between you and your husband, but your opinion matters too. Arguably more than his in this situation."

Tears beginning to well up in her eyes once again, she squeaked out, "I c-can't."

He nodded, dropped his hands to his sides again and offered, "For what it's worth: I think you'll be a very good mother."

A mirthless laugh escaped her lips. She grabbed a paper towel and dabbed it at the corner of each of her eyes before saying, "I very much doubt it, but it's not…it's not about having baby or being a mother. It's that if—if I have Grant's baby then I…"

"Then you're stuck; like me," he finished for her, his chest feeling a little tight.

Her expression immediately morphed into one of regret. "I didn't mean-"

"I know you didn't." He twitched his lips to the side as he prepared himself to confess something he wouldn't trust to anyone but her. "I love Alexis, I do. I do not have even one millisecond of regret when it comes to her, but… I'm almost certain I would not still be married to Meredith if she didn't exist. Hell, I'm not sure if we even would have gotten married."

Castle found himself holding his breath after the words left him, almost as though as they might turn around and attack, but they never did. The truth, sad as it was, was simply the truth. Those sentiments had no reflection on his love and devotion to his daughter, which was what Castle valued most in his life.

When Castle and Meredith's relationship had begun over a decade earlier, things were fun and uncomplicated. He made her laugh, she was fun to spend time with, and the sex was pretty amazing; nothing could have been simpler. Then, when Meredith had presented him with a positive pregnancy test, things had become more complicated. Meredith's parents had not enrolled her in the Love Match program, so they had no complications in the way of an upset or angry "soulmate," but that didn't mean Castle was sure he really, truly loved her in a life-long-love sense. Despite this, he proposed after picking up on the anvil-sized hints she was dropping about marriage.

The first few months of their marriage had been nice, but things had really begun to fall apart after Alexis arrived. It was no fault of the precious and perfect little girl, of course. As it turned out, Meredith simply did not have an affinity for motherhood—nor did she have a desire to make a great effort to be a good parent. As a result, Castle became the infant's primary caregiver, a position he grew to love, but it understandably caused tension in their union, which was already beginning to fray at the edges. Sadly, things would continue to decline between them as time went on, yet Castle felt a strong tie to his nuclear family for Alexis's sake. He had grown up with just a mother not a father, and he did feel that lack of dual-parental influence had affected him and thus he did not want his daughter to face the same fate, even if he suffered unhappiness in the process.

"I just-" Kate began but was interrupted by the bathroom door swinging open. The woman in the tan pantsuit had returned. This time, she scowled at Castle.

His cheeks turning pink, he muttered, "I'll be in the hall," to his partner. Then, giving a polite smile and nod, he slipped past the annoyed woman so she could use the facilities without him hovering nearby.

Only once he was out in the hall did Castle realize he still held the pregnancy test box. Knowing the closest trashcan was in the break room, he walked towards that location, but couldn't help examining the test box in the process. Looking at the non-ripped side of the box he could see that it said "Pregnancy Test" in black, block lettering and a cartoon of a woman who was obviously nine months along. What the box didn't have, however, was a brand. No First Response or Clear Blue. Heck, there wasn't even a drugstore brand on it. Flipping the box over, thinking there might be more information on the back, he just found printed instructions for how to take the test and something else in a green square at the bottom of the box that made him gasp.

"Beckett! Beckett!" He called out like a madman, calling the attention of everyone in the nearby hallway. She was nowhere in sight, so he rushed back to the door of the bathroom and called out her name again along with, "It's important!"

A minute later she stepped out into the hall looking reasonably put together, though he did notice for the first time a small coffee stain on the bottom of her blouse. Clearly, that was minor compared to the situation at hand. "What's going on?" she asked him, folding her arms over her chest.

He held up the box and said, "This test expired three years ago."

"WHAT!" she gasped, grabbing the box from his hands so she could examine it herself.

"Yeah, it's on the back at the bottom. Where did you get it?"

"I…I don't know. A random bodega. I walked for like three blocks trying to get up the nerve to buy it."

Castle hummed. "Well, how about I go and get you a name brand one before you worry any further?"

She gazed up at him with surprise. "You don't have to buy me a pregnancy test, Castle."

He shrugged. "You're upset; it's the least I can do."

She shook her head. "No…no I'm just going to tell the boys I'm not feeling well. I'll grab a test on my way home."

"Do you want to be alone when you take it or would you like some company?"

She smiled gently. "Thanks Castle, really, but I—oh shit! My coffee! I was in such a rush that I spilled it and-"

"Don't worry; I cleaned it up for you."

She looked at him with shock the at slowly morphed to admiration and something else unreadable. Perhaps it was a bit of embarrassment from the emotional upheaval he'd just witnessed, but whatever it was it made his heart flutter with admiration. Though he knew that he cared about her as a friend for quite some time, it was in that very moment that he realized that he'd become to care for her in a way that was beyond friendship and thus perhaps slightly inappropriate given their marital statuses. He didn't find himself worrying about that too much in that moment, though; he only wanted her to feel better.

"I, um…okay, you could meet me at my apartment if you wanted. You don't have to."

A smile came easily as he said, "It's no problem; I'll see you there soon."

Kate sucked in a deep breath full of humid summer air and immediately scrunched her nose at the putrid garbage smell that assailed her nostrils. She coughed slightly and then shook her head as she began speed-walking towards her apartment building. No matter how unpleasant the smell outside Walgreens was, at least she was no longer in the checkout line holding a pregnancy test that felt like a grenade with a wobbly pin. Though she knew it was completely irrational and most likely no close to being true, Kate felt as though every pair of eyes in the store was watching her, judging her.

She knew that as a twenty-nine-year-old married woman, buying a pregnancy test was a completely normal activity that should not have brought her shame in any way—and it didn't. What unnerved her was the sensation that everyone around he could read her mind and feel her dread. Unlike other women in her situation who were buying pregnancy tests, she was praying for a negative result.

Kate took her birth control religiously and, due to the nature of her job plus her generally neutral feelings towards her spouse, she didn't have sex terribly often. Thus, when Kate's period did not start the morning after her first placebo pill as it normally did, she felt mildly concerned, though since it occasionally started later in the day, she wasn't too worried. That morning, the second after her placebo pills began, when she woke up to find no evidence of her cycle commencing she felt all out panic gripping at her throat. She had never started her period that late before, so the only word flashing through her mind had been "pregnant."

In Kate's mind, getting pregnant was one of the worst possible things that could happen to her. She didn't really have negative feelings towards children as a general concept, but she knew that having children with her husband was something she didn't want because of how she feared it would negatively change her life. Though they did not have too many conversations around the subject (mostly because Kate always steered away from them with the skill of a Formula 1 driver), they did have several early on in their marriage. During each of those conversations, Grant made his thoughts on the subject quite clear. They would wait until they were financially stable enough for her to stay at home full time with their two children—yes, two children—until those children went to preschool. Then, she could return to the workforce in any capacity as she wanted as long as that job was not working in the field as a beat cop or detective. While Kate understood that Grant's concern was focused on her dying prematurely – something that she most definitely did not want either—it was his hardline stance on the issue that continually broke her heart and frustrated her beyond description.

As Grant's mind seemed unable to change, Kate knew her only option was to put off any discussions of children for as long as possible. Sadly, she knew that with her thirtieth birthday on the horizon, putting off those discussions would be harder and harder to do, but she hoped that the results of the latest pregnancy test she acquired would not bring that conversation to light much, much sooner than she anticipated.

When Kate arrived at her building, Castle was already in the lobby, chatting with the doorman. He followed her into the elevator and asked if she was able to find what she needed. She quipped, "Yeah, and I made sure to check the expiration date, too."

The rest of their ascent was silent until they reached the seventh floor when Kate said softly, "To the left."

"I remember."

He'd only been inside her apartment twice, though he'd met her in front of the building on several other occasions. The last time he'd been inside her apartment was around Christmastime when Grant insisted they needed to have a party to invite his coworkers to as part of an effort to become partner at his firm. Kate agreed, but only under the condition that she could invite coworkers as well and Castle had been one of her invitees. He'd brought his wife along, but they hadn't stayed too long since evidently the room full of lawyers weren't interesting enough to keep Meredith's attention.

Kate unlocked the door to the apartment that while not terribly cramped by Manhattan standards, certainly felt so compared to her partner's expansive loft. She dropped her purse down by the door, carrying on the Walgreens bag with her to the bathroom while instructing Castle to sit wherever he felt comfortable.

The instructions for the pregnancy test were more or less the same as the one she'd taken earlier, only this test had to sit for fifteen minutes before the results could be read instead of just five. In hindsight, though she had been relieved by the idea of a short five-minute results window, it may have been the first indicator that something was amiss with the extremely cheap test.

With the test sitting on the bathroom counter and the timer on her phone set for fifteen minutes, Kate returned to her apartment entryway and found Castle waiting patiently. "What can I do?" he asked her. "Make some tea? Distract you with funny stories? Or…or just sit here with you?"

"Ah…I don't know." She sighed and dusted her fingertips over her forehead. "The past hour has been so crazy. I…I think I just need a few minutes."

"Sure."

He followed her to the leather couch where she sat in the middle, and he sat to her left. Though in other situations she might have felt annoyed with someone sitting so close while she was trying to process her emotions, Castle seemed to have an inexplicably calming presence on her. True, when he'd first started shadowing her for research, she had been annoyed with him and found herself often set on edge by this insistence upon touching everything, especially items at crime scenes he was explicitly not supposed to touch. As time went on, she began to appreciate the lightness and joy he brought along with him. The attitude she had initially perceived as childish was actually just care-free—a feeling she hadn't felt for over a decade, if not longer. Though he could be very serious when it came to the gritty and sometimes terrifying details of a murder investigation, his general attitude towards life was not. Only in his reflection did Kate realize just how intense and void of fun her existance had become. She had inadvertently let a darkness creep over her, and she only realized it had been there after he helped her lift it away.

In the months since she discovered his wife's infidelity, they had grown closer in a way she couldn't exactly define. They were friends of course, but it was a little more than that. She trusted his opinion above anyone else's which made her glad he was the one sitting beside her. As crazy as it would have seemed to her over a year ago, she knew then that Castle would be the best person with whom to discuss whatever came next.

"Grant thinks its selfish of me to want to stay on the force after I have a child. Do you think that?"

"Of course not."

She shook her head as she felt the burn of tears behind her eyes once more. "We don't talk about it much, because it usually leads to a fight but… he says it's impossible for anyone who works in law enforcement to be a good parent."

"Some might say the same about those who work seventy hours a week doing corporate law."

Though she knew it was a purposeful dig at her husband, Kate wasn't mad at Castle's comment. Not only did she agree with his sentiments, but she always found it to be a sore spot that hours worked each week were not viewed equally when comparing his job and hers.

"The thing about parenting is: it's hard. It's really hard. Not only is it hard to raise a small, impressionable human to do, say, and think the right things, but it's hard to do all of that not only with someone else—a person who presumably has different opinions than your own, at least in some cases—but also with all the societal pressures put on you. Parenting magazines, newsletters from school, and don't get me started about the moms in the afterschool pick up line." Castle huffed out a breath and shook his head. "I don't think most people realize how hard it is until they're knee deep in it. I certainly didn't. My point is: it is hard—for some more than others. So, some police officers will struggle, others won't just as some lawyers will struggle and others won't. There is no profession that is categorically good or bad at parenting. If you care about being a good parent, if you want to be a good parent—you will be. I promise you."

She nodded, letting his words process inside her mind for several minutes before saying, "I know you're right, but it still scares me. Now…. now I define so much of myself through my work: solving cases, bringing justice to victims. I know that would have to change and shift so that my child was one of my main focuses. I know that, but…I can't imagine that life for myself. Even if I could talk Grant out of me taking three years of maternity leave instead of a few months and even if I could return to the force, I'd still have to make sacrifices. What if I couldn't solve a case because…because I had to take the baby to the doctor, or pick him up from daycare or I don't know, but what if something personal stopped me from finding a killer who went on to-"

"Hey, whoa." His large hand on her shoulder helped alleviate the spiral she was slipping into, but it didn't stop the tears from tumbling down her cheeks. He smoothed his hand over her upper back for several moments before saying, "Beckett, I know I like to call you the best detective in the NYPD—and you may very well continue to be the best detective—but that doesn't mean you're the only detective. You'll still have Ryan and Espo. You'll still have me. And, if you have to step away from a case to take your baby to the doctor because he's sick, that doesn't make you a bad person—quite the opposite in fact. It's not your job to stop all the crime in New York City. You're not Batman."

Despite her tears, a blip of laughter escaped Kate's lips. She reached for a tissue out of the box on the coffee table and quipped, "I thought he worked in Gotham City."

Giving her shoulder a squeeze he said, "You know what I mean. I know how dedicated you are to your cases, Kate, and that's always been admirable, but you're also allowed to have your personal life and dedicate time to your family as well. I have complete faith that you will balance both as best you can."

Though a few tears continue to fall, Castle's words did make her feel better, for if he could state such kind sentiments, it made her believe there was a possibility of them coming true.

They sat together quietly for the remainder of the fifteen-minute wait time. When the alarm on her phone went off, she looked over at her partner, who offered to check the test for her, but she gave him a smile and insisted she'd be okay. She put her phone in her pocket and walked confidently towards the bathroom. The test on the counter was digital and it clearly displayed the word NOT before the word pregnant. Kate's entire body shivered with the release of tension. She knew that she'd be on edge until her period actually began, but the name-brand, non-expired test at least gave her confidence that she, in all likelihood, was not pregnant.

Kate gathered up the test and its box so she could throw it in the kitchen trash can where it would be less likely to be discovered by her husband. Then, she walked out into the hall where Castle stood by the couch looking nervous. "It's negative," she said softly and then walked into the kitchen to throw away the trash. Back in the hall, Castle asked her how she felt, so she answered honestly. "Okay, but I'll be better when my period starts so I know for sure."

"You don't have any other symptoms, do you? Nausea? Unusual tiredness? Sore breasts?"

She narrowed her eyes. "Inappropriate question, Castle."

He held up his hands defensively. "Hey, I'm just trying to help. I've been through this before remember?"

"I don't have any of those symptoms. I'm a bit wrung-out, but I assume that's because I had a full-blown panic attack in the bathroom today."

He nodded. "Understandable. I'll get out of your hair, then. Anything I can do before I leave?"

"I…" She hesitated to make the request, as she felt it would sound rather silly if she said it out loud, but in her mind at that moment she thought there might only be one thing that could make her feel a little bit better. "Could…could I maybe have a hug?"

He grinned and opened his arms. "Of course, Beckett. My hugs are always available."

She took two steps forward and wrapped her arms around his waist as his closed around her shoulders. She found herself almost startled by how warm he was and by how nicely her head could tuck against his shoulder. They had never hugged before, but their embrace wasn't awkward. In fact, the more she let herself sink against him, the nicer it seemed. Pressing her fingertips against his midback she said, "Thanks for everything this morning, Castle."

He nudged his head against hers and promised gently, "Always."

A/N: Thank you for reading!