SIX

"I'm in love with you."

Kate suddenly felt as though all the air had evaporated from her chest. Her gut reaction was to push herself away from the situation so she would have more space around her; for some reason that always made it easier for her to think. Due to her shock, however, she completely forgot about her injured ankle, so when she pushed herself up off the bed and felt pain, she flailed such that she sent her washcloth full of half-melted ice flying. In her attempt to right herself, she ended up tumbling back against the wall, where she half fell, half slid down it.

"Oh god—Kate!" Castle leapt off the bed, sending playing cards flying as the mattress bounced, and rushed around to see how she was doing. "Are you alright?"

"Um…yes." She replied, though her tone made her sound uncertain, mostly because she wasn't. Between the shock of her partner's confession, the pain in her elbow from smacking it against the wall, and the discomfort in her ankle from her earlier injury, she was going to need a moment.

"Here, let me help." Castle reached down his hand to hoist her up and she grabbed onto it. He lifted her with ease and seated her back on the edge of the bed, where she stared at him wide-eyed. "I…I'm sorry if what I said shocked you, but I wouldn't have said it if I didn't think you had feelings for me, too. You do, don't you?"

"It's…it's not that simple."

"Yes, it is."

"No, it's not," she said firmly. Then, feeling the need to move, she stood up off the bed and began to pace. Stepping on her ankle definitely didn't feel great, but it didn't hurt enough for he to stop, so she kept going. "It's not simple at all, Rick; we're both married."

He gave a conceding nod. "Yes, but we don't love our spouses."

She shook her head. "We made commitments."

"Before we knew each other." He walked over to her and reached out his hand to gently touch her shoulder. "C'mon Kate, this isn't new. We've been dancing around this thing for a year now, haven't we? Maybe even longer?"

She held his gaze for several seconds before nodding ever so slightly. Her heart was hammering beneath her ribcage, but she couldn't hide the truth from him, not when he was so close, not when his fingertips were lighting small fires on her skin in the places where they touched. Had they been dancing? They'd tip-toed, sauntered, and, hell, even waltz around the issue for at least a year, but those issues that remained weren't just huge, they were gargantuan.

"Kate." He sighed out her name and made it sound like an illicit drug. He slid his hand up across the top of her shoulder and to her neck, where his thumb brushed across her pulse point. She swallowed hard, and allowed her torso to drift towards his, but before they could get more than a few inches from each other she stepped back abruptly.

"No—we can't have an affair."

A streak of anguish crossed his face. "I—I know that. I…I just wanted to kiss you," he confessed softly.

Feeling tears burn behind her eyes, Kate brought up her hands to cover her face and said softly, "God, what are we doing? What are we doing?"

"Being honest with each other," he said, his tone equally quiet.

She let out a tragic laugh. "I haven't even been honest with myself."

His fingers closed around each of her wrists, and she let him slowly pull her hands away from her face. He held her hands close against his chest and said, "So be honest with me right now."

Kate felt a wave of anxiety pulse through her, for she knew if she said the words they would be out there and she couldn't take them back, but if she didn't say them, she'd break both of their hearts, and she couldn't live with that either. "I'm scared," she whispered. "I'm scared of what this will mean, of everything that'll come after."

He gripped her hands a little bit tighter. "I'm scared, too. I don't know what the future holds for me and you, for me and Meredith, for you and Grant…but what I do know is how I feel about you—how I feel when I look at you, how I feel when you smile. I try to get you to smile all the time, because your smile is my favorite thing in the world. It's why I bring you coffee. And why I tell you jokes. And why I like to tug at your pigtails just a little bit." He smirked, and a laugh fell from her lips. Despite the hammering of her heart and the twisting of her stomach, he still made her feel lighter somehow.

Castle dropped his left hand from her right and used it to reach forward and gently cup her cheek. Her brushed his thumb across her skin for several seconds before using it as leverage to draw her in. Kate let herself sink towards him right up until the point where she could feel his breath against her lips. A jolt of fear shot through her and she leapt back, shaking her head. "Sorry, sorry. It's just…if we do this we can't take it back."

It wasn't just the kiss that scared her, it was the fear of losing control. For a year she had forced herself to keep all fingers and toes on the correct side of the line. She rarely if ever touched him. She most certainly didn't hug him. Because touching could lead to kissing and kissing could lead to—well, things she wouldn't let herself think about because she was married and therefore those things were off the table. The problem was: she had never wanted to kiss anyone more in her entire life, so if he did kiss her, how the hell was she ever going to stop?

"I know, but we can't live in limbo either, right?"

After ten seconds, she nodded, and briefly dipped her gaze to his lips, which was the only invitation he needed. In half a second his lips were on hers with firm pressure, but the way his hands gently cradled her neck still made it feel gentle somehow. For another two seconds she held herself back, afraid to get too close, but when she heard a soft moan come from his mouth, she let herself go and simply surrendered.

Her senses completely overwhelmed, Kate had no idea how Castle had managed to get them from where they stood by the television, to the other bed in the room so quickly and without her noticing, but the next thing she knew her knees were buckling against the edge of the mattress and his hands had moved down to her low back so he could move her into a reclined position. His tongue swept into his mouth and the moan she made in response was bordering on indecent, but she didn't care. God, it was so wrong, but it was also so, so right. How could kissing anyone feel this good?

She lay back on the bed, her knees instinctively falling apart so he could settle between them. He arched his torso above hers, but the more her fingers threaded through his hair the lower he sank until their hips fell in line with each other. The first twitch of his hips resulted in his belt buckle grazing against the apex of her legs sending sparks shooting out to all four of her limbs and, damn, she was getting turned on by this.

Damn! She was getting turned on by this.

"Wait, wait," she breathed out, her hands pressing firmly against the top of her shoulders.

"Sorry, am I crushing you?" he was breathless, but still concerned. He used his grip on her waist to rotate them so they were more side by side. He presumably thought this solved the issue, because a moment later his lips were on his jaw, and his left hand was skimming up her body. Whether he meant to or not, his thumb grazed against her nipple and even through her bra cup the full-body tingles were back with a vengeance. It had been so long—so very long that the last thing she wanted was to stop him, which meant that she absolutely needed to stop him.

"Castle, wait. Stop."

"Okay. Okay." He slid away from her, leaving his hands resting gently against the wings of her shoulder blades. Gazing at her he asked, "Are you okay?"

She let out a little squeak of uncertainty, but then nodded. "Yeah, yeah. I'm just…you're really turning me on."

"Oh," he laughed. Confidence bloomed across his expression before he asked, "Does that mean you want me to stop or keep going?"

As much as it pained her to do so, she said, "Stop. Please."

He nodded and pulled his hands away from her body. She gave him a soft smile and sat up so her legs dangled over the end of the bed. She raked her hands back through her hair, then turned back to him with a cautious expression.

"Sorry I got a bit carried away."

A laugh escaped her lips and then she trapped the bottom one between her teeth. "It's okay; I'm not sorry about it. It's, um, it's been a while since I've felt that." Her confession wasn't strictly accurate for she wasn't convinced she had ever before felt that—that level of attraction, that level of connection, that level of turned on from barely more than kissing…

"Same. It's been at least a year since I've had sex."

"Oh. Well, Grant gets…if we don't…but I never—never mind." She abruptly cut herself off before she rambled on too much about the limited amount of sex she had with her husband to "keep the peace" to the man who had just professed his love for her. Castle didn't seem too bothered with it, though. He merely remained on a reclined position on the bed, his body half propped up by his elbow and forearm flat against the mattress.

They sat in a comfortable silence for several minutes before Castle said, "So…what are you thinking?"

"I…I'm not entirely sure. I'm somehow shocked about all of this happening even if it feels like it's been a long time coming. I'm relieved. I'm terrified. I'm…a lot. A lot is going on inside my head right now."

He smiled. "Fair enough."

"What are you thinking?"

He pushed himself up so that he sat beside her. He twisted his torso she he could face her and then gently placed his hand over one of hers, which rested against her thigh. "I'm nervous. I don't want to keep living in limbo. We've been circling around this thing for a while now, I think. We were always building to a moment like this, I just didn't know when it would come."

Kate nodded, agreeing to those sentiments. It had taken an embarrassing amount of her mental energy over the prior year to stop herself from consciously thinking about romantic things when it came to her partner. Naturally, her unconscious thoughts focused on him as well and after each and every dream she had about him, the ache in her chest pulsed stronger. Then, she'd look at her husband, remember what a predicament she was in, and come crashing back down into reality.

"The thing is, Kate: I want to keep working with you because our partnership means a lot to me. You're one of my best friends and I love hanging out with you. I love you, but…the reality is, I don't know that it's healthy for us to keep living in this state without moving forward."

"Moving forward?" she asked tentatively.

"Leaving our spouses and giving this thing a real shot."

Kate's breath hitched in her chest and the sting of tears once again returned to cloud her vision. She known from the start that's what he was implying but hearing him saying it out loud made the reality of it feel almost too much to bear.

"That's what you want?" she asked softly; he nodded. She pressed her lips tightly together, trying to stop the tears, but it was no use. A sob escaped her lips and she fully dissolved into tears, bringing her feet up to tuck beneath her and curling her shoulders forward to bring her chin closer to her chest. Without hesitation, Castle slid up behind her and looped one arm around her waist and pressed his cheek against her shoulder so he could hug her from behind. They remained that way for almost five minutes before her sobs quieted and she excused herself to the bathroom to clean herself up.

After wiping her face off with a cool washcloth, Kate gazed at her puffy-eyed reflection in the mirror and took slow, even breaths to attempt to calm the trembling she could feel in her hands. In her gut she knew the answer. She knew what she had to do. It would be scary and hard, but sometimes the best things were, weren't they? And, after feeling Castle's lips against hers she knew there was only one possible choice for her to make.

Exiting the bathroom, she found Castle on the bed furthest from her, his elbows propped against his thighs, his chin in his hand. When she stepped further into the room he gazed over at her, curious.

She cleared her throat as she sat down on the bed closest to her. She mirrored his position with her elbows against her thighs. She leaned forward, bringing their faces just a foot apart.

"Do you remember my pregnancy scare? When you found me crying in the precinct bathroom?"

"Yeah."

"I've known since then. I knew that there was something special between us, something I didn't want to deny, but was too scared to fully admit to. The past year that's just been building and building to the point where, like you said, I knew there'd be a breaking point. You're my best friend, Castle, and I wish more than anything there was a magic wand I could wave that would change our circumstances and make it easy for us to just be together, for things to be uncomplicated, and for us to be able to just be together, but…the thing is, the thing that kept me up at night because I've gone over it again and again in my mind…Grant—he will make this very difficult."

That was what her fear boiled down to: not that Grant would be angry, because he most certainly would be furious. Not that he would scream at her, or fight with her, because he would certainly yell, but she was confident it would never come to physical violence. Not that he wouldn't berate her and accuse her of terrible things; he would, but she didn't care. No, the thing that shot cold terror through her veins was: what if he didn't agree? What if he simply would not let her go?

Castle appeared deep in thought for several moments before he said, "Can I ask you something? I mean this in the most nonjudgmental way possible but: does he love you? Truly?"

As Kate had debated that exact fact in her mind many times, she had a prepared answer. "He loves the idea of me. When we first met, he was really into the idea of soulmates and having this perfect, happy life handed to him on a silver platter. And that person I was when we first really got together—scared, broken, traumatized, and in desperate need of an anchor—he loved that girl. He wants someone to fix, someone to control—but not in an evil, manipulative sort of way. He just…he wants to make the decisions; he wants someone to go along with his thoughts and his ideas...but I'm not that girl anymore."

Castle leaned back; his brow raised. "I can't hardly imagine you ever being that girl."

She smiled. "I know. It's hard to think about when I look back on it, too, but my mother's murder sent my world spinning. In hindsight I probably had some sort of depression. I felt like such a shell in those days, content for Grant to just lead me along. But then I found my work, I found purpose and I became who I am now."

He reached over and snagged her hand. Giving it a squeeze, he pointed out, "Who you are is extraordinary."

She squeezed his hand in return. "Well thank you, but I owe that in part to you."

"Untrue! You were extraordinary when I met you, Ms. Youngest Female Detective in the NYPD."

She felt her cheeks blush and she dipped her gaze momentarily before pointing out, "Yeah, I could do the job, but I was just all about the job. Laser focused, struggling with anything close to a work-life balance despite the ever-growing fury of my husband. But you…you helped me find the real me—the person who was dedicated to the job, but still knew how to laugh and have fun like I hadn't since before my parents died. That's why I want to be with you."

"Kate." He breathed out her name before crossing the distance between them and wrapping his arms around her. She hugged him back, linking her hands together so tightly her knuckles turned white, but that didn't matter, because she never wanted to let him go.

"You know…I know this is a dramatic route to take, but you can sue a spouse for divorce," Castle said gently.

Kate pulled back and gazed at him. "I know; I've looked into it. Why did you look into it? Not for Meredith…"

The corners of his lips twitched upwards. "No, for you. Meredith…well, she'll throw a tantrum of course, but it'll be just for show. She's been threatening to pack up and move to California for ages now, so I think that's what she'll do. She'll be able to buy quite a mansion once the settlement check clears."

Though there was jest in his tone, Kate still frowned. "Sorry it'll cost you so much money."

He waved a hand dismissively. "It'll be fine—I'm really rich, you know?"

She let out a bark of laugher. "Yeah, I guess I'd heard that somewhere. What do you do again?"

Grinning, he brushed his thumb along the crest of her chin and said, "It's going to be okay, Kate. I'm sure of it."

His words filled her with the belief she so desperately lacked in that moment. They reminded her that he would always be there for her, standing beside her as her partner. Together, they could figure anything out—that was what he always said to her. All those times those words had been specifically directed towards a stubborn case, but now she knew they had a dual meeting. Together, they could—and would—weather this storm—just like they had the one slamming rain against the windows.

Leaning forward, she brushed her lips over his, and pressed their foreheads together before sighing out, "I love you, too."

"Oh, Kate." He gathered her up in his arms and rolled them sideways into the mattress so they could lay with their foreheads joined and their limbs tangled together, neither of them interested in moving for quite some time.

By the time the rain outside had reduced to a light tapping against the windows now and then, Castle had decided he was having the most bizarre yet wonderful night of his life. He and Kate had confessed their love for one another. They had agreed to embark on a relationship together. They had laughed, cried, and been silly together. All of which had taken place in a run-down hotel in Jamacia, Queens during one of the worst hurricanes to ever hit the five boroughs.

After snacking on their M&M's and crackers, Kate requested a break from heavy topics, so they went back to their card game. They eventually moved on from Go Fish and played a few rounds of poker. At one point, he'd attempted to take a peek at her cards, mostly just to see what she'd do. He'd been caught, of course, and she scolded him by smacking her in the arm. He'd tossed his cards at her which had begun a small card throwing war. Kate had rose up on her knees to rain the cards down on him, but he tackled her around the hips and they collapsed in a laughing heap onto the mattress.

Shortly thereafter they decided to see if the TV news would provide them with information about the current state of the flooding. In short: it wasn't good, so Castle changed the channel to something a bit more lighthearted. He'd asked if she wanted to cuddle, but she said they shouldn't. Instead, they sat side by side with their backs propped against the headboard, but she did agree that they could hold hands.

When the movie on one of the only TV channels available became uninteresting, they went back to talking, swapping stories about themselves mostly on the topic of strange vacations. Though they'd been working together for two years, Castle never tired of hearing one of her stories, especially since he still felt he didn't know enough about her. This was exactly why he was looking forward to spending a lifetime with her.

Kissing Kate had been, as he suspected and hoped it would be, a life-altering moment. He'd dreamed about it for months—a year, arguably—and the moment didn't disappoint. Unfortunately for their predicament: one taste of her simply wasn't enough. He didn't want to have an affair with her, not only because he knew that was wrong, but also because he knew what it was like to be married to a cheating spouse. And, yes, kissing the way they had was teetering on the absolute edge of being called an affair, but the key difference was they didn't intend on continuing to behave that way and they intended to end their respective marriages.

The coming weeks would be challenging for him in many ways. He very much doubted that Meredith would agree to a divorce in a calm, rational manner. He didn't think she really wanted to remain married to him, at least not in a romantic sense; it simply wasn't in her nature to do anything without a fuss. And then there was Alexis. How was he supposed to explain divorce to his nine-year-old? How would he make her understand that this did not change how either parent felt about her; it simply had to do with how they felt about each other. It wasn't anyone's fault; sometimes love, or what one thought was love, just didn't last.

Castle knew it would be a delicate balance for him. Alexis was his number one priority and he loved her more than anything else, but his feelings for Kate fell in line just behind. He felt confident that one day the three of them would make a family, but he also acknowledged that day was a long way off. Divorce needed to happen first, then he'd make sure that Alexis was okay, and had everything she needed to feel loved and supported. Then he and Kate would begin their relationship. On that point, he was fully confident. They were already so close as friends that becoming lovers would only make things better for them. He could hardly wait, but he would, because they all needed to be in the right headspace first.

As eight o'clock came around and they both began dodging calls from their respective spouses, Kate suggested that they actually go to bed rather early so they could get up in time to be on the road by six. Though Castle balked at the idea of such an unpleasant waking out, he ultimately agreed. He knew that she was right when she said they needed to get home as soon as possible. Plus, if they returned to the city that early, he'd be able to walk Alexis to school.

Their hotel room lights were out by nine and, thanks to the physically and emotionally exhausting day they had, both fell quickly to sleep. Their rest didn't last, though, for Castle woke around midnight to a strange sound. He chalked it up to just the oddities of the hotel and tried to roll over and go back to sleep, but he could not for the sound was too persistent. The more he paid attention to it, it also sounded rather…rhythmic.

"Are you awake?" he heard his partner whisper right around the time he realized exactly what he was overhearing.

"Mmm," he grunted.

"Do you hear that?"

"Mmm," he grunted again. "They're celebrating the end of the storm."

"Castle!" she half-scolded, half-giggled.

"C'mon Beckett; this can't be the first time you've heard hotel sex."

"No, but-" She was caught off by an illicit moan and the clear words, "Yes, Daddy!" which had them both dissolving into a fit of giggles.

"Shh! Shh!" Kate coaxed after a few seconds. "They'll hear us."

"So what? Mommy and Daddy need to dial it down a few notches."

"Castle! Stop!"

He hummed and rolled over so her could face the bed she lay on. It was too dark in the room to be able to see her, but it felt more intimate somehow. "Did I ever tell you about the one time that hotel management scolded Meredith and I?"

"NO! What? Are you serious?"

"Oh yeah. When she gets drunk, she's so loud. Like, ridiculously so. And we…it was right after Alexis turned one—our first trip since she was born. She really threw caution to the wind and, yeah, sure enough the people in the room next to us complained, which honestly was fair. I was pretty embarrassed by the whole thing, too. I paid the other rooms' bar tab for a night to make up for it."

"Wow."

At her shocked-sounding tone, he said, "I'm guessing this has never been an issue for you."

"Absolutely not! Though actually that does remind me of the one time Grant and I went away with his parents and the bed was just…it was the squeakiest best of all time. It was almost like the owners of that cabin somehow made it more squeaky as a joke."

He chuckled. "I'm sure."

"Anyway, you basically just had to walk past the bed, and it squeaked. Getting in and out of it was ridiculous. So that first night…he started to get a little frisky and I was like absolutely not because his parents were in the next room. Anyway: we ended up having sex on the floor."

"Nice. Is that the weirdest place you've had sex?"

"I'd hardly call the floor a weird place."

"Just trying to get your vibe, Beckett?"

"Oh, I see, you're trying to understand my sex vibe for our future relationship at midnight during a hurricane?"

"Technically I believe the hurricane is over."

"Mmhm well perhaps this is a conversation for another time?"

"Sure. I don't want to make you feel uncomfortable."

"I'm not, I just…I don't really have an interesting answer. A coat closet, I guess? With my high school boyfriend. We were hiding from his parents."

Castle chuckled, but silently made note of the answer. Since Grant was her love match, there was a part of him that wondered if he was the only man she'd been with. Not that it would have mattered strongly to him either way; he was just curious. "That's pretty good. Mine's an art gallery."

"Like…in the bathroom or…"

"No. Among the art."

She scoffed. "I…don't even want to know. Goodnight, Castle."

"Night, Beckett."