The soft sheets felt deliciously cold as he rolled her on to her back. His lips trailing down her neck causing her to shiver and bury her hands into his messy jungle of hair, and his hands... oh his hands, Merlin - rough and firm from all those years of Quidditch, yet undeniably tender as one hand ghosted up her leg, pushing aside the sheets that entangled them and held him to her. He looked up at her with his trademark crooked smile as her other hand trailed down his chest. His hand on her leg moved higher (and higher, Merlin!) and she pulled his head closer, sighing into his lips.

"Lily..." he breathed.

"Mmmm," she moaned.

"Lily!"

Lily's eyes flew open.

"We'll need to leave soon, dear." Her mother's face barely slipped into focus before she left the room.

Lily needed more than a moment to orient herself and realize it had been just a dream. Her legs shook just a little bit as she walked to the bathroom.

Since that night at the Leaky Cauldron, this wasn't the first dream of its kind. As if living with the knowledge of what happened wasn't mortifying enough. She cringed at her reflection and brushed her teeth vigorously, as if that would erase it from memory.

Lily hadn't thought it was possible to get from Platform 9 3/4 all the way to the Gryffindor common room without encountering James Potter, but luck seemed to be on her side. She had briefly caught sight of the back of his head in the Great Hall, but she certainly wasn't looking for it.

"You've been awfully quiet today," observed Marlene as they were changing into their pajamas.

"Really?" Lily replied, trying to sound offhanded.

"Anything happen over the holidays?" she asked, looking concerned.

Lily could feel the rest of her friends looking at her. "No, of course not," she replied quickly. Too quickly perhaps, judging from Marlene's raised eyebrow. "Just... Petunia was a bit much," she lied. Marlene nodded understandingly and that was that. Lily pulled the covers over herself and prayed for a dreamless sleep.

It had been a week since term started, and Lily had managed to avoid as much as making eye contact with Potter. It came at the price of a painfully heightened awareness of his existence in the periphery of her vision. Much to her surprise, it hadn't been very difficult. Almost too easy; she was almost certain Potter was avoiding her too. The post-break hustle kept her busy between prefect duties and catching up with schoolwork, but it wouldn't be long before her friends noticed something was up. Lily worried all the way to the prefects' common room.

"Oh," she exclaimed, stopping short at seeing a tall boy elbows-deep in the prefect filing cabinet. She had expected to find herself alone in the prefects' common room at this time of the evening. Upon recognizing him, she narrowed her eyes. "Wait, what are you doing here?"

"Oh hey Evans," Sirius drawled, as if it was the most natural thing for him to be there. "Moony asked me to wait here for him."

"And I suppose Remus told you to - what, rummage through the detentions file while at it?" Lily accused.

"That's what that is?" Sirius' feigned innocence fooled no one.

Lily smiled despite herself. "How did you even get in?" she asked as she closed the file Sirius had been looking at and pointedly replaced it on the shelves.

"When will you realize that I can get anywhere in the castle?" He flopped onto one of the couches, flinging one leg over the arm and carelessly flicking his hair from his face. "What?" he asked mildly as Lily continued to glare at him. "Can't a bloke wait around for his friend?"

She shot him a disapproving look, knowing it would be a wasted conversation to pursue. She picked up next week's prefect schedule and started going through it, even though she had already perused it.

"When did Remus say he'd meet you here?"

"Come on now, one would think you don't want me around Evans."

"One would certainly be right!" she shot back, unable to hold back a smile. Despite what she said, Sirius' company wasn't entirely unwelcome.

"Ouch, that hurt!" Sirius dramatically clutched his chest causing her to laugh out loud.

"Oh stop it now," she chided playfully as Sirius continued theatrically dying from an imaginary wound to his chest. Sirius grinned, dropping his arms.

"How's Adhara?" Sirius asked abruptly, his low, serious tone a stark contrast from moments ago.

And then it occurred to her that perhaps Sirius wasn't there to see Remus at all. Lily cleared her throat and started slowly, "I - er - she's alright I guess."

He drew a marble from his pocket and rolled it in his palm. "Her brother give any trouble over the break?" His casual tone was not fooling her one bit.

"Sirius..."

"What?" his chin squared defiantly.

"Don't do this."

"I don't know what you mean," he said, his gaze doggedly fixed on the marble.

"Oh I think you do."

"I was just enquiring after a friend." He tossed the marble in the air and caught it with effortless elegance.

"Friend?" teased Lily.

"Isn't she?" He now had his wand out and was making the marble dance in the air.

"I can never tell with the two of you."

"Right."

Lily's eyes followed the marble idly knowing that Sirius cared more than he liked to let on. Sirius and Adhara were much too alike in all the wrong ways, she thought to herself sadly. She never really knew whether their relationship ever went beyond the physical. They'd go through long periods of not talking with small interludes of friendly behavior, but to this day she'd never seen them go on an actual date. The marble was now mimicking the movements of a bouncy ball.

The extended silence and Lily's own curiosity got the better of her. "What are you both doing?"

The marble paused mid-air for a fraction of a second before being snatched up by Sirius' deft hands. He looked at her, his grey eyes unreadable. "Damned if I know." Despite his light tone, Lily saw something flicker in his face.

"It shouldn't be this hard, Black," she said softly.

Sirius let out a derisive snort. "It really shouldn't, Evans." He shot her a knowing look.

The irony didn't escape her. Her neck grew hot, and she panicked for a moment wondering how much Potter had revealed to him. Surely they told each other everything, she thought. She would have to live with the excruciating knowledge that Sirius knew what had happened. She found herself wishing she was at the opposite end of the castle.

"Well," she started in a business-like manner, gathering the parchments in front of her. "Surely you can meet Remus someplace else-"

"Oh come on Evans," he cut in smoothly. "What gives?"

"Well, as I've already pointed out, you're not supposed to be here." She said evasively and proceeded to pretend packing her bag in the hope it would prompt him to leave.

"That's not what I'm asking," he said, swinging his leg to sit up straight. Her stomach twisted uncomfortably.

"I don't know what you're referring to," she replied, mirroring Sirius' earlier stubbornness.

"Oh hell! Drop the act, you two." Lily's face snapped up just in time to see Sirius rolling his eyes. "I've lived through the insults, the mutual dislike, James' annoying crush - yes it was annoying for me too - and then the civility, the friendship, followed by - I assure you, to my earnest displeasure - the sexual tension, and now this... Whatever this is!"

"I - er," Lily was mortified, and suddenly extra-conscious of her arms hanging loosely by her side. "Did Potter say something?" she asked warily, leaning against the table and folding her arms.

Sirius let out a short laugh. "Evans, I don't care if you both snogged that night." Lily's face grew warm. "All I know is that Prongs hasn't been his old self since that night at the Leaky Cauldron. He didn't go home for three days after, crashed with me upstairs, and barely spoke a word the whole time. And now he's avoiding you like dragon me Evans, what's a bloke's best friend to think?"

So Potter hadn't said anything. Some of the feeling returned to her legs. But then why would Sirius bring it up? Something he said struck her - "What do you mean he is not himself?"

"He just isn't," Sirius shrugged. "He might have everyone else fooled, maybe even himself, but not me."

Lily's head was racing, none of the thoughts lingering long enough for her to ponder, yet casting behind so many burning questions.

"What do you want from me?" she asked weakly at length.

"I know what's going on between you two is none of my concern-"

"It isn't."

"-and in any other situation, I could care less. But I know you don't hate Prongs, and you might even care about him." He paused, looking at her earnestly. "I just thought you should know that James is struggling too."

"I'm not-" Lily began defensively.

"Marlene talks." He cut in carelessly, silencing her. "And I have a feeling this recent mood of yours has nothing to do with your sister."

She was forcefully reminded of her last conversation with Sirius, one where he had displayed ressemblent insight. To think if Petunia hadn't hurt her, she wouldn't have embarked on her impulsive little trip to the Leaky Cauldron, where she wouldn't have run into Sirius working the bar, and Potter would have probably ended up in the hospital beaten blue instead of alone in the back alley with her.

"I wouldn't have pegged you for the perceptive type," Lily replied wryly. She barely registered Sirius' grin in response.

"I wouldn't have pegged you for the bar fight type. Very Marauder-esque of you if I may say so myself."

"Words a girl always dreams of hearing," she replied flamboyantly clasping her hands together.

"Oh and by the way, you owe me for covering for you that night. Your little bar brawl almost lost me my job and lodging at the Leaky Cauldron."

"I'm so sorry," she gasped, sincerely horrified to have put Sirius in that situation. "I had no idea-" She stopped short at the twinkle in his eyes. "You prat!"

He guffawed at her indignance. "A few confounding spells took care of it. It still doesn't hurt to have Lily Evans, Gryffindor's prefect extraordinaire, owe you one." He winked and rose from his seat, shoving his hands into his pockets. "I guess Moony forgot he'd asked me to meet him here."

"You're not fooling anyone you know." Lily called after him as he walked out. He raised his hand above his head in a casual two finger wave, not skipping a beat.

"Sirius," she called, unable to help herself from saying the next few words,"do you think James still - er- still..." She faltered as Sirius turned to look at her.

The incomplete question hung between them as he looked at length into her flushed face. "You know Evans, I really don't know what to tell you," he replied darkly before walking away.

"You're playing with fire, Evans," he said hoarsely, his eyes a pooling brown and glistening with golden anticipation as they looked into hers.

"It's a good thing I'm a witch then," she replied, raising her eyebrows in invitation, her hands traveling to rest on the buckle of his jeans, pulling him closer.

Lily couldn't stop her head from replaying parts of that night. She tossed in her bed, punching the pillow as if that was the reason she couldn't fall asleep. The run in with Sirius had forced her to confront what she had been avoiding for weeks now: she'd rather drink a flask of Armadillo bile than admit that the real source of her embarrassment was not that she had hooked up with James Potter, but that she had wanted to, and liked it. She hated that Sirius had guessed her growing attraction for Potter, but she remained convinced that was all it was - attraction. Stupid, hormonal attraction...

"Once you got bored, you moved on. A different girl every week, sometimes even two. You seek change, excitement. You'll be miserable with me."

Something flashed in his eyes. "And you?" His strange voice lowered to a whisper.

She looked up at him, and she could feel her heart tearing as she uttered her next words. "I'll be miserable with you too."

She pondered on her firm convictions, faltering just a smidge. Had she been right to not date Potter? Surely he had just been trying to do the right thing asking her out then. Years of staggered attraction had culminated in the... escapade, but to think it could lead to anything meaningful was idiotic, Wasn't it? She groaned out loud, hating how she felt just then. Had she put herself in the same situation she'd persistently advised Adhara against? It wasn't exactly the same, she reasoned, ignoring the part of her brain that remained unconvinced. Surely it was nipped in the bud. Besides, if she were being completely honest with herself (and she indeed was) she had come close to entertaining the thought of dating Potter a few times even before that night; but her reliable left brain had only foreseen disastrous outcomes. They had nothing in common, she told herself firmly, and were better off as friends.

'But were they friends anymore?' a snide voice sounded in her brain. The voice had a point. Had she ruined the very thing she was trying to preserve? She had quite enjoyed their bantering friendship this past year, she admitted ruefully. James Potter's infectious laughter and roguish grin flashed before her eyes. She realized with a pang that she missed him.

Lily gave up trying to sleep and made her way down to the common room. Maybe some reading might help, or perhaps warm milk if she could only remember where the kitchens were located. The deliciously empty warmth welcomed her as she made her way to the most comfortable spot by the fireplace.

"Oh!" For the second time that day she jumped, unexpectedly confronted with the presence of someone else. The high back sofa had hidden him from view until she was right beside him. "Oh - er - I didn't..." she stammered, unprepared for the encounter.

Initially startled, he appeared to have pulled himself together. He wordlessly closed the book in his hand, vacated his seat and began to walk away. Lily looked after him, hurt and affronted.

"Potter!" she called. He paused and turned around, looking at her expressionlessly. "I - er - you don't have to..." She flapped her hand vaguely at the recently vacated seat. He shrugged and seemed prepared to resume his stride. "James!" she called again, increasingly annoyed at his demeanour.

He raised his eyebrows, mildly quizzical, as if he didn't care for what she was about to say.

"Does it have to be this way?" she asked, hating that her voice clearly betrayed her hurt. "Oh stop pretending!" she chided as he feigned ignorance.

He complied but his expression was unreadable. "Can I help you?" The temperature of the room seemed to drop a few degrees to match his tone.

She blurted out the next few words, not even trying to keep the emotion out of her voice, "Why are you being like this?"

"Like what?" he asked with an air of mild exasperation.

Lily was infuriated by how little he seemed to care, and how much that seemed to affect her. Pride overtook her as she forced composure into her voice. "You were here first," she replied coolly, "I can find another spot."

"Don't bother." His tone mirrored hers as he strode toward the exit.

Lily, smarting from his attitude toward her, considered letting him go; however, she couldn't help herself. "We don't have to be this way, you know."

He turned around to look at her, his face bearing an uncharacteristic hardness Lily had never seen before. "Really Evans?" he retorted sarcastically. "Pray tell me, how do we have to be?"

"Oh I don't know," Lily mirrored his sarcasm, "maybe you could start with acknowledging my existence?"

"I assure you I'm perfectly aware of your existence."

"Well your actions imply otherwise," she accused.

"Let me ask you this," he said feelingly, taking a stride in her direction, "haven't you been avoiding me this past week?"

"I - er - well, okay, yes I have," she conceded forcefully, not wanting to give him the satisfaction of seeing her discomfort.

"Well?" he said with the air of someone having proven their point, as Lily very well knew he had.

"I - I thought..." she drew in a deep breath, struggling to digest this hard, cold version of James Potter. "I thought we were in agreement."

"We were," he replied curtly.

"Then why can't we be normal?" she asked forcefully.

"Normal?"

"Yes," she insisted, his short responses irking her. "Normal."

He let out a short derisive laugh.

"Oh come off it," she snapped. "Your exploits aren't really a secret, and I don't see you treating anyone else you've slept with this way. Didn't you and - and... Marlene once...? - and she's still one of your best friends!" At this point she didn't care how she sounded. His blatant hypocrisy was downright insulting.

"Why, Evans." He looked and sounded genuinely surprised. "I thought this is what you wanted."

"What in the flippety floppity flobberworms gave you that idea?" she exasperated.

"Oh I don't know." Sarcasm returned to his voice, grating on her nerves. "The fact that you've been avoiding me like Venomous Tentacula until now?"

Lily knew he had a point, but she was still determined not to be wrong-footed by the likes of James Potter. She replied defiantly, "But I am not the one walking away."

James took a second before responding. "No." He paused, looking hard at her. "Not tonight, you aren't."

Laden with meaning and laced with something she couldn't recognize, his tone struck a chord of agonizing familiarity that hung between them as they looked at each other.

"I - I didn't..."

"Oh but you did Evans," he replied with a wry smile.

"I meant -"

"You made your meaning perfectly clear that night."

"So that is it?" she asked bitterly, "You're merely angry that I rejected you?"

James snorted indignantly. "Merlin Lily! Do you think-? What even-?" He spluttered, his face blazing.

"Tell me I'm wrong," Lily challenged, emboldened by his lack of composure, "if it isn't your stupid bruised ego-"

"Bruised ego!" James exclaimed angrily. "Salazar's saggy balls!" He swore, shaking his head disbelievingly. "It is increasingly incredulous how infuriatingly wrong you can be about everything!"

"You-" she began hotly.

"Tell me Evans," he interjected with a tinge of nastiness in his voice, "is this the first time you have, as you say, rejected me?"

"No but-"

"Then," James cut in forcefully taking another stride in her direction, "I suppose I'm not the one with the bruised ego."

It was Lily's turn to be indignant. "I don't- I'm not... I'm not pining for you if that's what you're implying."

He let out a short, sarcastic laugh. "Believe me, I know."

"Alright then." She folded her arms defiantly.

Moments passed in silence as the burning fire illuminated the atypical hostile expression on his handsome face, the embers distractingly reflecting on his glasses giving him a blazing appearance.

"I thought you of all people could be mature about this," she said, discomfited by this new version of Potter, "I guess I was wrong."

"Wouldn't be the first time you were wrong about me," he shot back.

"I suppose I was wrong about us being friends too."

"Yeah. I suppose you were."

It was as though his words had conjured a chill that enveloped her, rendering her impervious to the fire's warm embrace. With an unpleasant lurch in her heart, it occurred to her that James Potter had probably walked out of her life for good. She steadied herself with a deep breath and looked away lest he see how much this affected her.

"Well, would you look at that, I've been fooling myself all year," she said bitterly.

"That makes two of us."

They stood at an impasse, equally matched in stubbornness, neither willing to walk away nor speak the next word, the faint crackling of the fire filling the obstinate silence