Chapter 40:
"So what exactly is going on with you and Sakura?"
Sasuke had been expecting that question all day. He takes a shot of sake and slams his cup back on the table, letting the alcohol slip down his throat and spread throughout his bloodstream unsuccessfully.
He savored the sting more than the taste. Something about burning tingle seemed nostalgic, like the first time he'd ever tried a fireball jutsu. He can almost feel the chakra forming within his lungs, threatening to erupt from his mouth.
Sasuke was dragon-like, when angry or frustrated. "I don't know."
And it was the truth. He had been thrown for a loop earlier, overhearing that Hojo really wasn't Sakura's boyfriend at all. Sasuke had no idea where to go from there—what to think—what to do. While that statement would cause relief for any other man, Sasuke can't help but be plagued by it.
He had bound himself to Sakura fully, until his heart stopped beating, when he took her in the darkness of her cool bedroom the first time they made love. Looking back, Sasuke feels like an idiot for not understanding just how much she meant to him.
Funny, all it took was the joining of souls to cause his epiphany. From 0 to 100, he'd gone from "Let's not do this." to "Marry me,"
In the end, regardless of his feelings for her, he had other obligations. Being in Konoha was dangerous—dangerous for himself and the people around. He would forever be a target, either because of his Uchiha blood or his Rinnegan eyes. That's why Sasuke had devoted himself to being the shadow of Konoha, to protect all within from the outside. His leaving was inevitable.
At least with Hojo around, Sakura wouldn't have been lonely. She can experience all of the things with him, that Sasuke could never be able to do. Evenings out, meaningful conversation, monotony…there was something beautiful about boredom.
Naruto rolled his eyes. "You're playing a dangerous game here, man. One I think you'll come to regret."
Naruto can recognize the irritability within Sasuke, though it wouldn't show to the naked eye. To anyone else, he was a proper man, sitting up high on his barstool with his hand cradling his brew. But, there was an incessant scraping noise caused by a thumbnail grating the edge of a wooden countertop.
Sasuke had never been one to fidget…
"I'm not the only participant. Sakura knows what she's getting into."
It was a lame excuse to Naruto, but an expected one. Sasuke mostly believed everyone was just as selfish as he was. If he wanted something, he took it. The end.
But Sakura wasn't like that.
Sakura could wait. Sakura could choose unhappiness for the sake of others. If it wasn't Sasuke, it would be no one at all—and the same goes for Sakura, too.
Naruto takes a swig of sake and then raises his hand, ordering a small bowl of dumplings because their earlier training had left his stomach a bit empty. "Maybe she's waiting for you to change. Maybe she thinks it's just a matter of time."
The brooding man says nothing.
When the bartender comes back around, Naruto reaches out for an entire bottle of wine and drinks from the lip, not bothering with tiny cups anymore. The dry, warm liquid goes straight to his head, helping tied words form into sentences he'd never say had he been sober. He sighs.
"You know, I'm starting to think Sakura really deserves that Hojo guy, ya know? He's never done nothin' bad to her. He's never hurt her, or told her she wasn't good enough, or broke her heart and left her all alone. Phew, I'd be one pissed off father if someone did that to my daughter."
"You're not innocent." Sasuke scoffs.
Naruto also left Sakura alone, to chase after him. Sasuke knew Naruto would protect Sakura when he abandoned the village. Sasuke knew she had friends and family to rely on. Sasuke didn't expect for an entire entourage of peers to come following after.
Naruto dips his cloudy, blue eyes towards his friend. "Sakura wouldn't have been alone if you wouldn't have left."
Sasuke sighs. "Sakura wouldn't have been alone if you would have stayed with her."
They both become silent. The barkeep cleans glasses and cups, welcoming in a few other patrons that manage to stumble through the small door of the bar. Nighttime has just fallen, and soon all of the youngsters will be out. The Jonin Exams started tomorrow, after all. Some wanted to get rid of the nerves for the final round, and many wanted to pre-game the entire event.
Naruto should really stop drinking—he knows this. But speaking to Sasuke was hard without losing one's temper, and under the guise of drunkenness, he may be able to get away with it.
"Stop wasting her time if you're never gonna be able to love her back, Sasuke. Like she deserves. It's not fair for her. Let her move on."
Two pale fist clench, his patience was wearing thin.
Sasuke knew what Sakura was entitled to. The things she deserved never stopped running through his head—they haunted him. That girl deserved the world and Sasuke couldn't give her anything close to what she deserved. Naruto was right. He was only speaking from experience, after all. Sakura and Naruto had become friends… Hadn't Naruto loved her too?
Too…?
It would take a long time for Sasuke to be able to say it, even within his mind. Separately they were just words. Like, "I love hot weather." And "Sakura loves dango." And even, "Sakura loves Sasuke." But…Sasuke lov—
It was too much…too scary to say. There was no denying the tightness in his chest at the sound of her name, at the touch of her hand, at the brush of her lips. But voicing it…saying it…it felt like he was putting a curse on her.
Everyone Sasuke had ever loved, had died. Life was so fragile. He couldn't handle it again.
"I don't know what the right thing to do is."
Naruto frowns. "Follow your heart. That's all I've ever done and look at where that got me. It's not like it's hard."
"That's luck," Sasuke continues. "And I'm not lucky enough for such things."
"So that's it, then? Your past is forever going to decide your future? Che, I never figured the great Sasuke Uchiha could be snuffed out so easily. Fine, if that's how you want things to end. You can be miserable but you're not going to drag Sakura down with you."
Sasuke glares. "What exactly am I supposed to do? Why does it just have to be me?"
"Am I supposed to spell it out for you?!"
"Oh, you can you spell now?" Sasuke says with a sneer.
"For fucks sake, she loves you!"
Naruto pays no heed to the few people in the bar as he releases his anger. He stands, slamming the butt of the sake bottle on the wooden counter, forcing foam up through the nozzle. "What the hell do you mean, "Why does it have to be me?" Because you're the only ONE! You can't control these things. They just happen! And I'm sure, everything inside of Sakura wishes she could just pick someone else. I wish the same thing! I used to wish for the same thing—pray that she took notice of me, or paid attention to me. But I wasn't right for her. I didn't care about her like…like I care about Hinata. I see that now."
The room is quiet. Everyone watches the scene with curiosity, and not even the bartender moves to interject. It's not as if he'd have much leeway between two top-of-the-world, hardened ninjas.
"She chose you. And she's going to continue to choose you, again and again. And it kills me to see someone so in love and not have anything—not hardly an inch of the same kindness returned. Even if you know it's not going to last, can't you give her even a smidgen of happiness while you're here?"
"Don't you think I'm trying?"
Naruto laughs at this. "Ohhh, it's so difficult. Just grab her ass, dude. Tell her she's pretty, kiss her when everyone's watching—do something. Oh what, the great Sasuke Uchiha is too cool to lower himself to such pitiful standards?"
"And that's how I'll show her?"
Sasuke's voice is calm now, calmer than it had been before, but dripping with cynicism. He does not stand, or puff out his chest, or even clench the table in front of him. Leveling his voice, he speaks calculatedly.
"I show her, by showing everyone else? Why…is it that my feelings aren't genuine unless everyone is aware of them? That's bullshit. I don't have to show everyone how much she means to me. I'm supposed to show her."
"Do you show her?" Naruto asks, plopping himself back down. "Do you tell her?"
"No."
No…no, of course not.
"I'm a fuck up, Naruto. I'm good at killing, bad at making friends. I'm conceited. I don't deserve the kindness and forgiveness I've been granted. But…I am grateful for it. I understand the way my head thinks and my heart feels. I can't…express it, like how others think I should.
You said it yourself—I've been narcissistic. I've done things with only my benefit in mind. I just…I swear… I never wanted to hurt Sakura. Not in a million years. That's the last thing I'll ever mean to do."
Naruto doesn't say anything, afraid to scare Sasuke off. Instead, he offers his ear intently, ignoring the eyes of those around them.
"I shouldn't have to prove my love to her for others to accept it. I just don't believe in that. I know how I feel, and that should be more than enough."
"You keep saying that," The kyuubi begins. "You keep saying that you don't have to prove it, but does Sakura know? Because I think she's perfectly content with being nothing more than a…a…release. I'm not saying this to make you feel bad but I know her. I know that she'll take whatever you can give. She doesn't deserve your scraps—she doesn't deserve what's left of you."
Sasuke feels numb. Drained. What if…what's left of me…is all I have to give?
It seemed as though so many people loved and fought for Sakura. She had a village behind her. She had family and friends, close companionship, a fulfilling job that relied on her expertise. So many people pried themselves into her daily life. She was so important.
Naruto enjoyed playing the part of big brother. He enjoyed being her shoulder to cry on, her hero, and the man that she could trust with even her darkest of secrets.
Ino was an advisor. Sasuke knew of her shitty recommendations, especially in the field of dating, and for some reason—as intelligent as Sakura was—she lapped up her information as if it were scripture. But Sasuke could admit his views on those sort of things were…perhaps…outdated.
Mebuki cared in her own way, as well as Sakura's father Kizashi. The entirety of Sakura's life—perhaps even before she was born—had been delicately crafted by her mother and every misstep caused the deepest rift between the two.
Her whole life, Sakura had been…guided. She walked blindly, keeping her hands on the shoulders of people who had may have had genuine intentions, but enabling outcomes. She was like a child to them.
Sasuke shakes his head. "Sakura and I can worry about that ourselves. I'll handle it."
Naruto laughs. "I know how you handle things. You're going to run back off when the exams end, aren't you?"
"Why is that your business?" Sasuke snaps back. "Why is Sakura any of your business?"
"Because we're friends. We're friends and I want what's best for her! Because you'll be gone and I'm going to be the one cleaning up after the mess you make!"
"And what if she doesn't? Why can't she decide what she wants to do? So what, if I'm bad for her? So what, if this will all be a huge failure in the end? At least I can say that I made my own choices, and won't have to live with regrets. That's what you—all of you—do to her. She's a woman now. Let her decide what she wants."
"Sorry, but I'm not so good at abandoning my friends." Naruto mocked.
"You're not abandoning her. You're backing up, and giving her the same right that everyone else deserves. The same choices that everyone else gets to make. And if she needs someone to cry on, someone to talk to, it will be me. I'll handle it. You don't have to anymore."
Sasuke stands suddenly, placing his ryo on the counter before turning his back on Naruto.
He thought highly of the whisker-cheeked man. If there was anyone's opinion he valued more than his own, it would easily be Naruto's. But Naruto is not Sakura's keeper—nor is Ino, nor is Mebuki. If anyone should fill that void, it should be him. He's made his promises, under oath of his clan, under legality of this village.
"What gives you the right?" The man huffs back, taking one final jab. "Hojo's probably more qualified at this point."
Turning to look over his shoulder, Sasuke stares deeply into the eyes of his childhood friend, of his brother without blood, of the man that saved his life and, in turn, allowed him the opportunity to love and grow.
Naruto Uzumaki, the start of everything.
Filling his lungs to capacity, Sasuke confesses his deepest secret. "I've promised myself to her. I belong to her."
Naruto rolls his drunken eyes, reaching for the heavy clay sake bottle for a final swig. "Yeah, yeah, you're so poetic."
The man shakes his head, trying to find words that weren't vague. "No, Naruto. Legally. Lawfully. As the head of the Uchiha clan, I've betrothed myself to Sakura. She's going to be taken care of."
Eyes wide, gripping the jug in his hand for dear life, Naruto lets out a shocked sequel before stitching together a coherent sentence. "What do you mean? Betrothed? Is that like, normal civilian terms or is this some sort of jutsu that I don't know about?"
"Husband," Sasuke bites out. "In the normal, every-day sense of the word you fucking idio—"
Sasuke doesn't get a chance to finish his final word. Naruto, stares at the broken bottle he'd just smashed against the man's head.
's going to hurt in the morning…
"So, what's going on between you and Sasuke?"
Ino is sprawled out on Sakura's sofa, eating strawberries as she flips through the channels of the TV. She opens another packet of sugar-free sweetener and sprinkles it into the bowl before popping a bright berry into her mouth.
It was a loaded question, and one that Sakura really didn't know how to answer. What was going on between them?
It felt more than a typical…boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. Things had been slow, agonizingly slow. For Sakura, it was raw emotion that had been built upon for years. It was love and lust and care, bundled all in one.
But what was it for Sasuke? Surly not just a good time…maybe it wasn't exactly what Sakura felt, but it was something more for him, too. The girl plops down beside Ino dejectedly. She feels like the worst friend in the world, because there's so much Ino doesn't know.
But, then again, it wasn't…really…any of Ino's business. It wasn't as though Sakura needed any more advice. And why else should she reach out to someone if not for guidance?
"Ino, you're too nosy."
Instead of being offended, the woman laughs. "You say that like I give a shit. C'mon, I'm not asking for the dirty details. I just want a summery."
"For what? Gossip?"
Ino takes this comment seriously. She's done something to offend Sakura. And whatever it was, it wasn't worth it at all. Ino's no closer to understanding anything. So, she decides to lay her head into Sakura's lap and wait. Wait for nothing, wait for something, but not to pry and push.
Sakura sighs. She closes her eyes to think, to find a beginning to all of this madness. Really, when did it all start? How far back would she have to travel in her memories?
The dull drone of the TV mumbles on in the background. Every channel is filled with news of the Jōnin Exams that start tomorrow. Bets have been placed, the stakes are high, everyone is wondering just what kind of crazy events will unfold in the newly refurbished battle arena.
Tickets were sold out for weeks now, but all of the participant's had been gifted two free passes. Though Sakura had not spoken to her mother since…the "incident", she still wonders if both her parents would give their support. Konoha natives are offered the best seats, other villages have been allowed both civilian and shinobi access for a high price.
There's so much going on in Sakura's life. It's all so stressful.
These exams meant a lot to her. Her end goal was to run her own children's clinic. Not Ino, or Naruto, or her mother or even Sasuke could preoccupy that one singular thought that remained atop her mind.
After another moment, and two ripe strawberries, Sakura finally comes up with the words. "It started out slow. So slow, I think that I really didn't notice how strange it was. There wasn't some…singular event."
Ino chewed on her lip, unsure of how to voice her concerns without hurting Sakura's fragile ego. "I know that…you have wanted to be with Sasuke since we were children. I did, too. And believe me, I'm not trying to compare my feelings to yours. I know things have changed and evolved for you—for the both of you. But I just can't shake the feeling that…well…that you're treating this tryst a lot more seriously than Sasuke is. He's a grown man. They have…needs. And after his reaction to me earlier when I'd touched the ring around his necklace, I'd say he's pretty picky with who he shares a bed with. Do you…in even the smallest of ways…understand what I'm trying to say?"
Sakura takes it to the chin. Of course she understood. Sakura didn't have the most pleasant of intrusions. Like her low view of herself, of her abilities and prowess, she also thought about Sasuke...and about what she meant to him…and why things were so different now.
"I was testing him earlier. Teasing, really. I know it wasn't appropriate but I promise if—if—he had followed my lead I wouldn't have done anything."
"With the ring, you mean? When you invaded his personal space?'
Ino looked up at the ceiling, staring past Sakura's head. "I don't know. I figured since he'd been around more women, he may have started to become comfortable with affections. I thought that…maybe you'd just been confused. Do you get what I'm trying to say?"
Sakura keeps her eyes trained to the TV.
"I just wanted some proof. When I saw those hickeys on you—in the bathhouse—I would have never guessed they were from Sasuke. He isn't like other men. That kind of scares me…the fact that he is unpredictable. I know that…in my personal situations…once you cross those boundaries with someone, it's hard to keep your hands off of them—to be tactful. When we were training though…I didn't see so much as a glance in your direction. I mean, hell, I've even snuck a few touches when my parents weren't looking. Genuinely, I'm trying to put you down in the softest way possible…I don't think that he cares for you the way I know that you care for him…"
Ino sits up, talking faster now, afraid for Sakura to start crying.
"Don't get me wrong, I did sense the tension between you two. Sex was almost inevitable, especially in such closed quarters. You're both two healthy adults who are conventionally attractive. But I didn't want that for you. I didn't want you to just be a release, and…and I wanted you to see that's all Sasuke thought of you as. He's a tough nut to crack and I'm certainly not the one to get past his boundaries like you did…but I thought I would at least tease him a bit. It really feels like he would treat any girl off the street as kindly as he treats you. I'm sorry to say that. Really. But I'm just looking out for you…"
"Ino," Sakura pushes out. "You don't see what I see, because he doesn't want to show you that side of him."
Another howling wind whistles along the front of her home, and a draft brings in a cool breeze. Sakura can feel a chill start from the bottom of her toes to the nape of her neck, and she rubs her feet together as the television flickers between commercials.
Ino nods. "I'll admit…it was a bit shocking to see him put his brothers ring on your hand."
At the mention of his ring, Sakura's thumb finds the piece and rolls it around her finger. "He kissed my hand."
"Sakura…strangers on the street will kiss your cheeks in greeting. I'm sorry…I just don't see that as something astronomical. I want to see what you see. Believe me. I do. I want to see you both walking hand in hand, happy, like any other lovers do."
"Ino that…that's just not who Sasuke is, though..."
Ino drops her gaze down and threads her fingers together, taking her hand away from Itachi's jewelry. "I know, and that breaks my heart. I want you to be happy."
Her head finds Sakura's shoulder and she leans into the girl, though she's smaller and bonier than what anyone would normally find comfortable. It was just who Sakura was. She would always be short and slender and boyish in shape. here was this maternal pull that drew her into Sakura…like she was helping her child get over their first real heartbreak.
Sakura was not a child, though. "Who says I'm not happy?"
The comment bewilders Ino, so much so that she pulls away to look Sakura directly in her face. "What do you mean?"
How on earth could she be happy? How could she be happy with someone who doesn't spare her passing glances, without sweet nothings, letters and words of affirmation, gifts and proof? Sasuke hardly even speaks. That was no way to live.
"I am not in love with Sasuke because I crave his attention. I could care less about that stuff. I've told you before, haven't I?"
"I want to hold his hand, and I want to tell him jokes and hear his laugh—his real laugh. I want him to talk to me about things that are important to him. I want to cook for him every morning and night. And more than anything, I want to fall asleep next to him and wake up in his arms with morning breath and messy hair and goofy grins…I want all of it."
"If I was concerned about a man who was blatant with his affections, I would have dated Naruto or Lee a long time ago. Sasuke isn't like that, and he's never going to be. I know that I'm precious to him, and that's all that will ever matter, even if he doesn't say it. And maybe, when he leaves after these exams, I won't be important to him anymore. I'm just happy that we've had this time together—truly, I am. It's better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all. If you want my happiness, you've found it Ino."
The blonde is flabbergasted. She's never heard her friend speak so earnestly and decidedly, except when she was sure of a medical diagnosis or giving urgent orders. Her eyebrows knit together. "And how will you feel when he leaves, Sakura? I can't see you depressed again. I can't."
Sakura can see the tears that brim up in her best friend's eyes, and God bless her. God bless Ino for being nosy, and for caring, and for giving her advice even though it's the exact opposite of what Sakura really wanted. God bless Ino for trying.
"You don't have to see me, Ino. It's alright. Let me be sad—I'll survive. I'm strong. You have to let me live, you know? You have to let go of my bicycle and let me learn how to ride it. It's okay if I scrape my knees along the way."
Ino remembers the smile that Sakura gives, back when they were children, laying in flowery meadows under the summer sun. Her face is no longer tanned and freckled and chubby, and her eyes aren't quite so big, and the girl has even grown into that incredibly large forehead of hers. Sakura is beautiful and powerful and independent. For the first time, in perhaps all of her life, Ino sees her for the woman that she really.
Sakura feels arms wrap around her in a vice, and she welcomes the tightness. It's been forever since they've hugged like this. A weight as been lifted off her heart and it's finally like she can breathe again.
And when they pull back to wipe their tears, a small peck taps at Sakura's window. Behind the pane is a messenger bird, the color of mud and dirt. Again, it's beak raps at the glass and Sakura peels away from Ino with a new pressure against her chest.
"Haha, of course…there's always something to dampen the mood." Ino says, eyeing the bird carefully.
Making her way to the window, the pink-haired woman grabs the note from the hawks talons and as it flies up high towards the moon, Sakura reads the sloppy handwriting.