Author: PreppyPrincess5103
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
Summary: Harm. & Mac begin their life together, while both deal with the reality of Harm's decision to resign his commission. Spoiler alert: Mac doesn't handle it very well. (Continuation of It Started in Russia, and Everything is Going to Be Okay)
Notes: This was hard for me to post. I asked a friend of mine to read it, and we got into this ridiculous argument over whether or not the way I wrote Mac made her a horrible person. Her comments gnawed at me, hence the amount of time it's taken me to post this. I finally decided to ignore my friend because in this situation I see myself in Mac. My father wasn't abusive, but he was an alcoholic and left when I was a child. He died when I was 22 and I didn't feel anything for myself. I felt sad for my grandmother and my uncle, but I never felt like I personally lost anything. I imagine Mac the same. I hope you guys don't think she's horrible here – I know I don't.
Part Fourteen
"Mac? Are you here?" Harm tossed his keys on the table and toed off his shoes. "Mac?" She came out of the bedroom, and he felt his heart drop. He could instantly tell she had been crying. They walked towards each other, meeting in the middle. He pulled her to him and kissed the top of her head. "What happened?"
Mac used the heel of her hand to wipe at the tear tracks on her cheeks and swallowed. "She's dying. She has a rare form of pancreatic cancer, that's already spread. The doctors she's seen have given her no more than six months."
He tightened his arms around her as she buried her head in the crook of his neck. "I'm so sorry, sweetheart." He held her for a minute, and then stepped back when he felt her squirming.
She wiped her face again and swallowed. She turned from him and walked over to the sofa. She sunk into the cushions and pulled her knees up to her chest. "I'm not sad that she's dying." She looked up at him and bit her lip as he walked over to the sofa. He sat next to her and tucked her hair behind her ears. "What kind of horrible person am I?"
"You're not a horrible person." She looked down at her hands, and he sighed. He tugged her arm and pulled her against him. He wrapped an arm around her and kissed the top of her head again. "You're not a horrible person. You have so many feelings about your parents. I'm sure it's understandable for your feelings to be all over the place."
Mac shook her head and pushed herself off of him. "That's the thing. I'm not feeling all of these different emotions. I'm feeling next to nothing. I don't feel sad, or angry, or happy, or relieved. I feel nothing."
He frowned, completely confused. "I don't understand. If you aren't sad or angry, why are you crying?"
She shot up and began to pace. "I'm crying because I'm obviously a horrible person. I'm horrible. How can you possibly want to marry me?"
He stood and grabbed her hand. He pulled her to him again and wrapped his arms around her tightly. "Stop it." She squirmed, and he held her tighter. "Stop." His voice was gentler this time, and he ran one hand over her back. "You are not a horrible person. You're amazing."
"Then why don't I feel anything?" She began to cry again.
He kissed her head again, and then pulled back to place feather-light kisses on her forehead and cheeks. "You're not a terrible person. You don't feel anything because she's not a part of your life. You've seen her once in approximately seventeen years, and that experience left you more or less indifferent toward her." Mac sniffled, and he loosened his grip. "Can I pretend to be a therapist for a moment?" She nodded and he smiled. "You were so angry for so long, but you started the process of forgiving her after you saw her last year. You started letting all of that resentment and anger go." He shrugged and ran a hand over her disheveled hair. "With those negative feelings gone, there isn't really anything left."
"I feel like I should feel something. More than what I do feel, anyway."
He shrugged and led her back to the sofa. "What do you feel?"
She shrugged and leaned against him. "Basic sadness that a life is ending too soon. I feel… I'm hoping that her doctors are able to make her comfortable, and that she doesn't feel much pain."
"You're a good person, Sarah. Don't doubt that." He started to continue, but the doorbell rang, and they looked at each other. He stood to answer it, and she grabbed his hand.
"If that's her, please tell her… I don't know. Just tell her I'm not home. I need more time before I see her again."
He nodded and kissed her hand before releasing it. He went to the door and opened it hesitantly. His eyes widened when he saw his mother on the other side.
"Surprise!"
"Mom!" He opened the door a little wider and stepped into the hallway to give her a hug. "What are you doing here?"
She frowned at his reaction and eyed him suspiciously once they parted. "You're acting strange. What's going on?"
"Nothing. I'm just shocked to see you. What are you doing here? Is Frank with you?"
Trish switched her handbag from one shoulder to the other, and crossed her arms over her chest. "Yes. He's in town for business, and I joined him so we could visit. Now what's going on? You don't have another woman in there, do you?"
His eyes widened in shock. "Mom, no!" He ran a hand through his hair and sighed. "Mac got some upsetting news today, and I wasn't sure who was at the door. And then I just wanted to make sure everything was okay."
Trish softened and touched her son's arm. "Is she okay?"
"She will be. Come on. Let's go inside." He opened the door and forced a smile. "Look who I found!"
Mac saw Trish and bolted off of the couch. She straightened her clothes, and wished she was still in the green top and jeans she had on earlier. She felt so unkempt in the yoga pants and tank top in comparison to Trish's crisp white pants and pretty blue blouse. "Trish. Hello! How are you?"
Trish walked towards her and gave her an appraising once over. She took Mac's hand and squeezed gently. "What's going on?"
Mac's tongue darted out to moisten her lips. She opened and closed her mouth a couple of times before finding appropriate words. "My mother is in town. She has cancer."
"Oh, sweetheart." Trish pulled her close and wrapped her arms around her.
Trish beamed at Harm as he showed her around Hammer Aviation. He definitely had her eye for beauty, and the property was impressive. "This is just wonderful."
He grinned and opened the door to the building that would house his office. "And this is my office. I haven't hired a receptionist yet. I figure it's not all that necessary for the first few months, since I don't have any customers yet."
She moved around the outer room, studying the frames on the wall. Instead of photographs he had commissioned artistic renderings of many types of aircraft, and they were all professionally matted and framed. "These are lovely." She gestured to a plane that looked just like Sarah. "Where are they from?"
He stood next to her and smiled. "Jack Keeter is dating an artist. He had her paint Sarah last year for a gift. I loved it so much I asked her to do more for the office. Mac suggested the frames and the thick white matting." He ran his finger over the dark wood of the frame.
Trish turned and faced him. "So, her mother is here."
Harm glanced at her, and moved to the door to the inner office. "Come see my office." They went inside and she shut the door behind them. The room was tastefully decorated, with dark furniture, a plush rug, and framed Navy memorabilia on the walls.
She walked over to the desk, took a seat in his chair, and spun in a slow circle to take in the entire room. When she was back in her starting position, she noticed a framed photo on the desk. She picked up the frame and studied it. It was one she had taken of the two of them at the Rabb Farm on Thanksgiving, and they looked so relaxed and happy. She looked up at him and smiled. "I don't think I've ever seen you as relaxed and happy as you are now."
He grinned and sat on the leather loveseat across from the desk. "I don't think I've ever been so relaxed and happy." He looked at the frame in her hands and leaned back. "Life isn't perfect of course, but it's pretty damned good."
"I'm so glad, sweetheart. All I've ever wanted is for you to be happy." She returned her gaze to the photograph and studied Mac. That poor girl. "So, her mother is here."
He sighed and stood, and took the photo from his mother. "She arrived last night. We had plans to go out, so Mac made plans to see her this morning. She told her that she had pancreatic cancer, and the doctors have given her about six months."
"Can I ask a personal question?" He nodded, and she laced her fingers together. "What is Mac going to do? Is she going to offer to go to her home with her? Is she going to invite her to stay here with the two of you?"
He cocked his head to the side and studied her for a long moment. Finally, he sighed. "I don't think she's going to do anything. Which is why she's so upset. She doesn't feel anything, and feels like that makes her a terrible person."
Trish's heart ached for the girl. "It doesn't though." She studied the bracelet she was wearing, and ran her fingers over the small sapphires. "It's hard for feel grief for someone you don't have pleasant memories with. Her mother abandoned her. She's feeling more than I think I would in her situation."
The Next Day
Mac opened the door, and forced a smile. Her mother was standing on the other side. "Please, come in." She held the door open and allowed her to come inside. "Can I get you anything? Tea? Coffee?"
Deanne shook her head. "No, I'm fine." She looked around the apartment and tried to smile. It was a nice apartment. She followed her daughter into the living room, and paused to look at mementos arranged on a bookcase. Her eyes fell on a framed photo of Mac with her uncle. She hesitated only for a moment before picking the photo up.
"That was my law school graduation."
She looked at her, and then back at the frame. "What school did you go to?"
Mac tried to remain calm. She didn't want to yell or cry, but this was something she should know. A mother should have been there. "Duke. For law school anyway."
Deanne continued to study the photo. Mac was smiling broadly, and Matt looked so proud and incredibly handsome. She was holding a massive bouquet of pale pink tulips in one hand, and her diploma in the other. "Matt brought pink tulips to the hospital the day you were born." Mac didn't say anything, and she sat the photo down. Her eyes moved to another one, and she bit her lip. It was another photo of the two of them. This one was taken when she had been a little girl, and was taken at Red Rock Mesa. She was on her uncle's shoulders, with her arms outstretched and a huge smile on her face. Deanne knew she had to have been the one to take this photo, but she couldn't remember the day. She moved her eyes over the rest of them, all of her daughter and her fiancé with various people.
Mac silently watched her mother study memories from a life she hadn't been a part of, and bit her lip to force back tears. She could have been part of some of these days and events. She could have been in that graduation photo if she had wanted to be. She knew Sarah Rabb would have welcomed her into her home for holiday celebrations. She could have been a mother to her at anytime and she chose not to. "What are your plans?"
She turned away from the bookcase and glanced at the furniture. "Can we sit?" Mac nodded, and took a seat in the chair, while her mother took a seat in the center of the sofa. "I want to die at home. Not in a strange bed like Joe did. When the end comes, there are hospice folks who will come to me, so I won't be in pain."
Mac couldn't stop the tear that fell down her cheek, and she took a deep breath. "Would you like me to be there? At the end? I'll come if you want me to."
Deanne inhaled sharply, and then slowly shook her head. She was happy her daughter was a better person than she was, but knowing that made her feel even more ashamed. All she and Joe had put her through, and here she was. Happy. Successful. In a seemingly good relationship with a good man. It looked like she had friends. She had a good life. Deanne cleared her throat. "Sarah, I was a terrible mother to you. Not just for leaving you with him, but for everything I put up with for your entire life. Your childhood was horrible, and it was all my fault. You don't owe me anything."
"I know." She twisted her engagement ring around her finger and cleared her throat. "I know I don't owe you anything. But no one should have to die alone."
She shifted to the end of the couch that was closest to Mac, and placed her hand on her knee. Mac flinched at her touch, and Deanne pulled her hand back. "I don't mind dying alone." She shrugged. "I want to die alone. I don't want to spend my last moments in a room with someone I hurt as badly as I hurt you." She swallowed hard, and folded her hands in her lap. "The only reason I came was because I thought that you deserved closure. I didn't want you wondering at various points if I would show up and cause more pain. I'm here because I'm selfish, and I wanted to see you one last time. I needed to know that you really are happy and that you have a good life." She looked around the apartment and smiled. "I see that you do."
Mac nodded. "I do. I have a very good life. My fiancé is a good man. I have a good career. I have comfortable shoes." She smiled to herself and shook her head to clear the memory. "My life is good, and it's full. And I'm not sorry you're not a part of it." She bit her lip and forced herself to take a breath. "But I am sorry that you never wanted to be a part of it."
Harm and his parents returned a few hours later and found Mac in better spirits. He gave her a gentle kiss, and ran his hand over her hair. "Are you okay?
She nodded and smiled softly. "I am. I feel better." She would tell him about the visit when they were alone, but for now she squeezed his hand. Ever since Deanne had left, she had been thinking about the night that she and Harm had told his parents about their engagement. Trish had offered to fill the void that Deanne had left, and to be the mother figure to Mac that Sarah Rabb had been to her. Mac had been touched, but uneasy at the thought of having someone in a maternal role. "When are you guys going back to La Jolla?"
Frank shrugged. "I'm not entirely sure. It depends on how the meetings go tomorrow. Tuesday or Wednesday most likely."
Mac nodded and looked at Trish. "My friend Maddie and I are going to look at wedding gowns tomorrow after work." Her tongue darted out to moisten her lips, and she tried to steady her nerves. "I was wondering if you'd like to join us?" The smile Trish gave her made her feel instantly ridiculous for being so nervous.
"Oh, I would absolutely love to!" She reached into her massive Louis Vuitton bag and pulled out a bridal magazine. "I was hoping you'd ask. I saw some gowns in here that would look stunning on you." She gave Mac a once over and grinned. "Although I'm pretty sure anything would look stunning on you."
"Mom." She glanced up at Harm, whose eyes were wide and he had a strange expression on his face. "Maybe take it down a notch."
"Nonsense." She waved him away and moved to Mac. "Come sit with me darling, and show me what kind of dress you're thinking about."
Harm glanced at Mac, and relaxed when he saw her smile. It was a little tentative, but she looked happy and willingly moved from her chair to sit next to his mother on the couch. She pulled open one of the drawers of the coffee table and pulled out a well-worn copy of the same magazine. He grinned as he noticed all of the bright pink tabs all throughout the issue.
Trish looked up and glanced at her husband and then her soon. "Harm, I think now is a great time for you to take Frank to see the airfield." She watched as he rolled his eyes and her husband grinned. "We have dinner reservations at 7:00. Try to be back around 5:30." Harm saluted her, which made Mac laugh, and she smiled as they left the apartment. She turned back to Mac, kicked her heels off, and pulled up her legs. "Now. Show me those dresses."
End Part 14