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Chapter 2: Soldiers of endless wars. The understanding of silence.
As I laid on the floor I couldn't avoid thinking, it is really comfortable, I had never enjoyed the floor so much as right now, maybe it was the dry blood avoiding my breathing on my nose, maybe it was the fact I felt happy that I thought I helped Riven. Maybe is simply because I relaxed on the floor of the office.
It wasn't weird for me to spend days on the office, I had a small bathroom so I could clean myself without problems, plus I had a large medic kit, not all my patients are fond of words, some can express the same way the Maven of Strings did…man what a nasty left she has.
I see through the window at the night sky, I wonder…when Demacia changed so much? Memories invaded me of the first days as I came back. Broken and without my left leg…the people looked at me with pity, but the kind of pity you have for a dying animal. They didn't really cared and it was then that I understood…Demacia doesn't like remembering.
They don't like to remember the defeats we suffer, only the victories, they put their sight on other places as long as it keeps them happy and not focused on the reality that out there is a war…I still remember the trial, everyone thought I had abandoned the field. Rule number one of the Demacian Army. You can't back down. You advance forward endlessly till you fall.
I think is easy to imagine why people didn't like me much when I came back home. They thought I had ran away. If you ask me, honor is not worth it. The moment I saw the dark cloud killing both Noxians and Demacians I knew I had to run away. I took with me a soldier who was also trying to run but had gotten hurt.
Enough of memory lane. Trying to balance his body was a hard task but he pulled through and let himself fall down on the couch. Tomorrow would be long.
The morning sun woke him up from the couch, making his way to the bathroom and cleaning himself he took the spare clothes he often left in the office for times like this.
"Well, we are officially open for business…now do I have a patient today?" Checking the records he only found the note of Riven session. "Must admit I have been on a slow season" the payment of the institute would help him but that didn't meant he could just relax forever. "I wonder if she will come..."
Taking the pen from the side he wrote down a note for the possible left fist lady in case she decided to show up. If he remembered clearly from the day before Riven would arrive soon for the two hour session. His thoughts went on.
Already got the plan on mind, but I will only know if it works if she is willing to try it. As if on queue the purple flash appeared Riven in the middle of it. "Hello" Now that's surprising I wasn't expecting a hello from her. "Good day Riven, how was your day?" Try to be civil Cid, she is putting an effort, you can't seem childish now.
She smiled, a small smile but she obviously looked relaxed if her body language was any guide to go through with "It went well, I had the chance to train so that helped me sleep" Information, the best friend of the therapist, and nothing better than information that is given willingly "I see, I didn't knew you had troubles sleeping" the smile of Riven faltered for a moment, I had screwed up "I…have nightmares sometimes" Oh my…who is this lady, what did she do with the Riven who didn't spoke anything personal?
"Riven are you okay? Don't misunderstand, I appreciate you are speaking of things that can be personal, is just…You don't often show that side" She hold her left hand against her right elbow. I had noticed Riven often took her elbow in a grip when she lied, but often that was the right hand going for the left elbow.
"I…I signed the contract, I will put an effort in therapy…after all you helped me get access to the training room in the institute" Ah, acceptance and gratitude, well I'm glad she knows I only wish to help "You know I'm honor bound to help you Riven, so let's have an exercise today" Her eyes perked up at the idea of exercise, man I hate to break her bubble "Is not physical Riven, sorry" Her eyes lost the spark but still kept focused in her curiosity.
"I want you to close your eyes. I will be saying words at random, and you will answer me the first word that comes to mind for you. Easy right?" Nope, not easy at all. She would be exposing a lot of things to me if this actually worked. "I guess…so the first thing in my mind? That's all?" Yeah sure, not like it will actually give me an insight of what angers you.
"Yeah, first thing in mind. No need to think deeply" As I smiled I gesture for her to relax on the couch. "Now close your eyes, I will be using some random words to test your reaction time first okay?" She nodded, I took my pencil and paper to write, I had a clock at the side to measure the reaction times.
"Fish" "Food" Wow, quite fast in the reaction time. "Bowl" "Tool" Okay same time. "Dog" "Pet" I'm not even sure I finished the word. "Hammer" "Jayce" Oh I know him, the guy of Piltover. "Sword" "Path" mmm interesting.
"Okay so far your reaction time is impressive, let's start again, same principle though, first thing in mind" As she nodded her approval she looked relaxed for a chance. Maybe the fact I said her time was impressive helped her…okay time to play the game
"War" "Ionia" Oh man, quite fast. "Corruption" "Noxus" Okay, same time. "Path" "Redemption" Interesting. "Yasuo" "Bothersome" Ouch. "Zac" "Unnatural" Really? I'm still curious of who Zac is. "Demacia" "Stubborn" I will agree with you there. "Piltover" "Machines" Can't deny that one. "Shurima" "Weird" Honestly I don't know much of Shurima, but what I know convinces me it is weird. "Therapy" "Helpful" Point for the therapist, everyone say it with me! "Zaun" Silence….
"Riven?" As I look at Riven I notice she has opened her eyes, but they don't look at me or the wall in front of her…no, Riven is finally back to the root of that anger. Her eyes are….full of anger, but… is that guilt? A tear makes her road to her eyes as she closes them tightly. Before I can try to approach her she speaks.
"Is not fair…" Okay. Time out. Experience has taught me this could go horribly wrong or be what is needed…a damn it when have I been responsible "Riven what is not fair?" Question directly when in doubt ignore the alarms, time for answers. "Is not fair…what they did…" Trauma. She is on trauma. She is not even listening to me, she is on a trauma…she is wherever the anger lies.
"Is not fair! They were our soldiers! They were proud Noxians! We had lost the battle but still they took everyone out!" Riven screams loudly with tears on her eyes. You will have to be specific there Riven, Noxus has lost battles… my thoughts bring me to the notebook.
Ionia. War. The conflict on Ionia, it ended horribly when… Zaun. Zaun…didn't they attacked on Ionia too? They supported Noxus. Oh goodness. Riven was there. The battle of Ionia that they lost, she was there. Goodness what have I done?
"Riven! Snap out of it! Riven!" Her eyes still look at the past, emotional trauma, Riven is angry at what happened on the battle of Ionia and keeps screaming. She survived that hell… "Hey! Come on! Snap out of it!" She can't handle this anymore. The sound of my hand against her cheek silences her screams for justice.
Her eyes lose the look of the past, now she focuses on the present, and that present is angry, before I can mutter a word she punches me in the stomach and I fall down "Why did you slap me?!" Oh thanks! She is back! She is back! I can't avoid to smile as I stand up to get in my chair "Is good to have you back Riven" She looks at me confused. "What do you mean?" I get up from the floor, you know, she didn't hit me as strong as Sona…funny. "You were on trauma"
Riven eyes open up. She avoids looking at me. I guess this is not the first time she has an episode like this. "Riven…this is not the first time you hear it right?" she leaves the question float in the air, no answer comes. Times seems to have paused as the question floats and I'm in the same state. Just waiting for an answer. Maybe, I pushed my luck too far.
Silently without looking at me she breathes in and out, she seems to be pulling courage. "A healer…Soraka helped me the first time…" So it wasn't the first time. This is probably something more common to her than I thought.
"Just so you know Riven, you got to accept it. It wasn't your fault" She looks at my direction with her eyes open. "I know little of the conflict…but as far as I know your name doesn't figure as an important player of that battle" she looks down at the floor before speaking. "Singed is…." Knew it. The Mad Chemist. His name figures in the battle as the responsible for the massacre.
"Ionia had won…they defeated us. And before we could fall back the sky got dark, and the cloud fell down…" Sorry cutting memory lane "Hey stop right there Riven, you just got out of the trauma, I don't need you entering into it again" She relaxes, her breathing is getting steady, and her body doesn't look agitated anymore. "You are angry at what happened back then?"
She just nods "There was no honor…I broke my sword and took on the exile" I never knew her exile was self-imposed. I always thought she had been exiled hence her title. "You must accept that wasn't your fault" She looked at me, but even if she tried to express anger all I could see was guilt and sadness "I try…but Noxus…I fought for them, I am as guilty as them" "You are as guilty as you feel you are. You were a soldier, you lost. The end. You didn't killed two armies yourself"
My words seemed to weight down on her, last night I understood Riven is not a fragile person, she can be fragile yes, but she is tough, and she can receive the harshness in my words and actually will get them better than if I was soft. Her body was getting tense. "Breathe Riven, short and easy. Just breathe" She started to breathe before her body got agitated again.
What have I just learned
Riven is essentially angry at what happened in the battle. She is angry at the past Riven who fought for Noxus and failed in seeing the corruption of her country… She has an emotional trauma that makes her scream, probably her nightmares take her to the same battlefield.
"How you feeling?" Stupid question she probably feels horrible and "Okay…I feel okay" She looks honest. "Riven…the redemption you wish for…is something you won't get in silent suffering" she passes her hand through her hair. "I know…there is no redemption for me" I interrupt her "I didn't say that, I meant you need to speak of it, you are just another victim of that battlefield Riven"
Her eyes open up as plates as she tries to speak, she is choking on her words "Breathe in and out. Relax" Her breathing steadily composes and she speaks though her voice is barely above a whisper "You think I can get my redemption?" She has pretty much spoke her deepest fear. The fear of rejection.
She is nothing but a soldier who lost her home, her honor, she lost everything that identified her as Riven the Noxian. She is Riven the Exile. And the only thing the Exile wants is forgiveness. She wants to hear someone saying that she is forgiven…that she didn't lost her honor…this stupid war has taken too many…
"I think you can Riven…I think you can. You just need to let the past behind" She looks doubtful at me, but if her body language is telling me anything, is that she actually trust me "How?" an honest question. I don't really have an answer. "One step at a time. Walking one step at a time, making distance between you and the past"
Riven nods in understanding. I think she took notice of it. "You are walking one step at a time too?" And here I thought she didn't notice. "I can only walk one step a time with my leg" I hit my left leg and the prosthesis makes and echoing noise. Not too audible in the outside, but in the office where we are it sounds almost ominously.
"When?" I laugh a bit before answering "So now is my therapy? The Noxian conflict with Demacia is nothing new. I fought when I was a teenager" She nods, and makes a simple question "How?" I shrug my shoulders "Honestly? I don't know. A cloud full of darkness started enveloping the land, I took a soldier with me…I lost my leg and made a friend"
Riven nods "Is your friend Demacian?" I smile "Noxian" She looks surprised. "Needless to say Riven, what is spoken in this room stays here, I don't like people knowing my past" She smiles. We are just two victims of war, different battlefields, different opponents, but the war was the same. "I won't say a word" She smiles, and for the first time since I have seen her she is clearly relaxed.
Silence is comfortable, she needed this. She needed to let out all that was eating her insides. She lets herself fall on the couch "Therapy is awesome" I let myself fall on my chair "Yes it is right?" I laugh at myself, is not even been a day and I have been hit two times already. The Maven of Strings and the Exile. Who needs an autograph? I have an injury, that's better.
"Do I still need to keep coming?" I look at her "That depends on you, if you feel you are okay, you can go. I will vouch for you" Honesty is the best policy, and I have learned the hard way therapy needs for the person to be willing, there is no need to keep someone against their will. "I…I will keep coming, but today felt like a big step" I smile at her
"You gave one step forward, tomorrow you might give two steps back, but it doesn't matter as long as you keep trying to move forward" Riven looks at me quizzically "That doesn't make sense, If I give two steps backward then I would go back at the same spot the next day" I couldn't contain my laugh, goodness, how come people don't get her? She is an open book.
"Is just a proverb of Ionia Riven, don't take it too seriously" She laughs even though her body language tells me she didn't really get the joke. "Maybe one day, redemption will be mine" she smiles, and all her body shouts a word, as if the weight she was carrying suddenly got lighter
Free
"I'm sure it will" Riven is a serious person, so it surprised me to see her so relaxed, even more what she asks me "Who is your Noxian friend?" Had I taken water, I would have spilled it all over. "What?" She keeps on it "Yeah, do I know him?" I laugh at the idea "Maybe you do, but I doubt it" she looks focused trying to think "Is he someone important?" I laugh once again "A friend is someone important always" Before Riven can ask me more, the purple flash come again.
"Champion, I came to pick you up. Greetings sir" Honestly I'm getting a bit angry at the fact this people seem to be droning their words always. "Hello there, well Riven, I will see you next time" I offer my hand for a handshake. She accepts it and looks relaxed. "Till next time" They left in a purple flash.
I go for a glass of water and sit on my desk as I write my notes. Today session could have been horrible, but it all went well in the end. She has revealed the root of her anger. The path to fully heal will be long, and there will be holes on the road that will hinder the advance, but today was indeed one big step for Riven.
"Who knows, maybe one day her title will be The Redeemed…nah, too boring in sound, The Exile sounds cooler"
As I relax in the office I start to make a drawing on the paper. Is not beautiful, is not going to win me an art competition, but is a unique drawing if you ask me. Some detail here and there, and maybe I will be able to pull it. If it ends up well I could frame it. It is going to take some time to fully finish it. But that's okay, I got time.
As the time flows on the comfortable silence and peace of the office I hear knocking on the door. "It doesn't sound like her knocking" as I stand up the knocking gets louder, as if two people were knocking on my door. "I'm going there, no need to throw my door" in the moment I open the door a slender winged figure quickly enters making me fall as I lose the equilibrium of the left leg.
"Damn it! Can't you people enter calmly?!" as I close the door I look at my guest. Or should I say guests? Never knew what to think of this pair. "Demacia Wings. What do I owe the visit?" the bird looks at me for a moment before simply deciding that my coat hanger is a comfortable place to stand. I don't mind, I don't often wear coats, so I'm sure the hanger will appreciate being used.
She looks at me with clear dislike in her eyes "None of your business" Pff. Really? "If you are in my office either you came for therapy…or you are hiding from someone who was looking for you" Oh my, this is new. No signals of anything she knows how to keep her mouth and essentially her body sealed. Sadly for her the bird does seem surprised. Note to self, the bird is the key to understand her emotions.
She stays in silence listening to the outside "You know, if Garen is looking for you he will essentially find you" No surprise, no body movements, come on, something must tell me. The bird! It is seeing at her surprised like pointing at me…oh I see. He is asking for confirmation! Or she? What are you bird?
"I guess if is none of my business I will just open the door and surprise everyone with the fact the Wings of Demacia are in my humble office" As I move to the door she quickly stops me. …
"Don't even dare to try to tell him I'm here" Oh scary, sadly I deal with people scarier lady. "You know, I can simply go to Garen and tell him how you were hiding, trust me he will receive me" Ha! There! A slight twitch of the left eye! She is tense from my words.
"Why would he even receive you?" I smile like a man who is trying to sell a trinket "Oh because I'm a therapist, he knows me and I'm well known in the court, people often visits this office" A huge lie with a piece of true. Oh there we go…yes! The small twitch makes it presence and her left foot barely starts to make a motion, she is getting a bit desperate because she made a mistake.
"I…didn't knew" I laugh "There is a bunch of stuff you don't know, and I could fill books with the things you don't know, but it would be a boring book as it wouldn't have drawings for you to understand" Come on show me your anger…ah there it is, closing your hands and putting pressure on your knuckles, I hit a nerve, let's see if I can get blood.
"Why are you even hiding from Garen, is not like you screwed up anything" The anger got bigger if her knuckles are any indication…she screwed up badly eh? "I won't tell Garen…this office is a place in which words enter but they won't get out." She looks at me seriously, the bird makes a sound as if to indicate something to her. "I was supposed to make sure lady Buvelle was okay…but I lost her and if I can't find her Garen before he asks for my report he will have my head." Sona? She is missing?
Three knocks on the door interrupt my thoughts. "Hey, you are not in trouble, I bet the solution is knocking at the door" As I smile to her I open the door. "Welcome Sona" She looks at me with the same eyes of yesterday. Guess she still doesn't like my presence. "I took long to come because I tried to lose my bodyguard" She speaks in signs as I point to Quinn who is behind me with her mouth surely open of surprise. I make signs to Sona "That bodyguard?" "Lady Buvelle! I was afraid something had happened to you!"
Sona smiles at her, man sure she can change her expressions fasts. "She came to visit me for an article of music I was making" A huge lie, but I'm a good liar and I'm sure Sona doesn't want people knowing she comes for therapy. Sona seems to agree with me. "Quinn as Sona helps me with the article, why don't you go around and come back here in an hour?"
"Lady Buvelle will you be okay?" Sona nods smiling at her, before long both Quinn and the bird get out of my office. I laugh once I close the door and start speaking with signs to Sona "She was scared something happened to you" Sona just looks at me with the same expression of before, that cold anger of hers. "She shouldn't worry so much, I can take care of myself" I smile before making signs "Sure you do, that left hurt yesterday" I'm not sure, but for a fraction of a second I think Sona showed a bit of regret.
"You said you could help me right?" I nod in agreement "I can only help you as much as you are willing to try to help yourself" She looks at me with her eyes trying to look for lies or anything, honestly I have started to notice she doesn't seem to be able to make any sounds without her instrument.
"You can sit in the couch if you want" She does and I start to ask basic things, her name, why she plays. Basic things that I already had an answer in a way, I'm surprised she said the instrument was with her since she was left in an orphanage.
"How was the orphanage?" At this she gives signals of being uncomfortable with the topic. "I rather not remember it…" Interesting, avoidance, she doesn't want to speak of it, and is obvious there is something there. "Afraid of the monster under the bed?" She looks at me with eyes full of that cold anger. "You wouldn't understand" I laugh "Is hard to understand what I'm not being told"
Her expression remains the same…maybe a coin for a coin will help. "Tell you what. I will tell you my fear if you tell me yours" She looks at me with the same cold anger, but it looks slightly with a tinge of curiosity over there. "You already know mine, that's cheating" I smile "I didn't, but you have admitted just know my suspicions. I'm afraid of Jesters, I don't trust them" The cold anger changes into something like surprise and curiosity
"You didn't strike me as the kind of person that has a fear like that" I laugh at her words and forget to make signs as I speak "Everyone is afraid of something, but they rarely admit it" She looks at me with the same curiosity before speaking with signs "I thought the Demacians hold up the belief of no fear to anything" Goodness, I can't stop myself from laughing at her words. Lots of people in Demacia are afraid, spiders, demons, gargoyles, golems, shoes…yeah that one is a story of its own.
"Everyone is afraid of something, and there is nothing bad in being afraid" I take a moment before thinking how to explain the next part of my phrase "What is truly wrong, is to let fear dictate your life" Cold anger returns in her eyes. Guess I didn't made my point across. She starts to make signs too fast for me but I guess the general output of her phrase "Fear doesn't dictate my life"
"Why are you scared of the dark anyway? What is so scary of the dark that makes you tremble Sona?" She looks at me, but her eyes don't hold the cold anger…no they hold something more in them…sadness?
"You wouldn't get it…no one can get it" She stands up and when she opens the door Quinn is at the door with her bird, did she knew Quinn was there? Or did she just decided to leave. She smiles at Quinn before making signs for me "I will be back tomorrow at the same time, thanks for your time"
As they left through the door I'm left with my thoughts…what would happen in the dark? Everything is dark sure, but you can just…oh. I guess she was right, is not something people can understand. I go out from my office as I scream her name, she is not too far and they look at my direction. I make signs I'm not sure if Sona can see them, but I believe she might got my sign message.
"You can't ask for help when is dark, because no one can hear you scream right?"
Quinn looks quizzically at me without understanding what I said in sign language. But Sona did receive the message. "See you tomorrow. Therapist" For the first time, Sona smiles in my direction.
In the thoughts of Sona a good feeling appeared. Maybe the whole therapy thing does work…
And cut! Hope you are all enjoying it so far, I promise to keep trying my best so that you may enjoy reading this fic, hope you are enjoying it everyone! I'm honor bound to keep writing!