Four Years Chapter 18, an escaflowne fanfic

A.N. Another Chapter begins. I feel a lot of emotional things are worked out here. This was one of the chapters I was most looking forward to writing, simply because I felt it was a long time coming and it is such an opportunity for healing and understanding between Van and Hitomi. I hope you all enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed typing it up.

Disclaimer: I do not own The Vision of Escaflowne nor any of the characters therein, this is purely non-profit fan-made fun.

"There are two kinds of light - the glow that illuminates, and the glare that obscures."

-James Thurber

Chapter 18: Dual Light

13 October, 1996

Earth

Hitomi couldn't stop the nervous shaking in her hands as she paced the length of her bedroom waiting for three minutes to be up. Yukari sat on her bed looking just as worried as she watched her alarm clock tick down the seconds.

Seven days ago Hitomi's biggest problem had been the fact that she was struggling to reacclimatize with her schoolmates. She was so far behind in classes it seemed likely that she would have to repeat a year which she desperately didn't want to do. She wanted to stay in the class with Yukari. Everyone else in the school either treated her like glass or like a side-show attraction. Her abilities to read tarot and her disappearance combined with the fact that Amano had not been allowed to study abroad for the last six months due to being a suspect in her case, had turned her into a celebrity of sorts.

Seven days ago, she'd been trying to fix her life and reach out to Yukari and those on the track team. Her guilt over Amano had only lessened after he had procured his papers and the ability to leave after the holidays. The only friend who was speaking to her like normal was Yukari, and back then she was simply curious as to what had happened.

Seven days ago, she'd told Yukari about everything, including where her hickies had come from. Eleven days ago she'd talked about her first experience with her best friend and had blushed as she had divulged things that she never thought she'd share with anyone. Seven days ago she still stupidly thought this was all she had to worry about.

"Time." Yukari said, her voice nothing but a whisper and yet it felt like bellow in the silence of the room. Hitomi froze, eyes wide and fearful. She couldn't move toward the dresser where a simple white stick with a pink cap lay inconspicuously.

Neither moved for several long heartbeats as Hitomi wished she was still blissfully unaware as she had been eleven days ago, before Yukari asked if she'd used protection and reminded Hitomi what it was she had felt she'd forgotten upon her return.

"Hitomi?"

She flinched and looked at her friend, tears already filling her eyes and she clutched at her waist tightly, trying to keep from falling apart. She'd completely forgotten in the rush of trying to catch up in school, the stress of her shattered social and academic life, that she had had unprotected sex multiple times, and that today was day 26 of her cycle. She should have her period any day now.

"Do you want me to look at it?"

Hitomi flinched and then shook her head, straightening her back and fisting her hands at her sides. She could do this. She had to do this. She walked over and grabbed the pregnancy test and took a single breath before looking down.

The breath left her lungs in a whoosh and she slumped, falling onto her bed next to Yukari.

"Well?" Yukari pressed and Hitomi let out a soft laugh holding out the test for Yukari to look at. "Negative."

"Not pregnant (1)." Hitomi conformed with a smile that was just a little bit disappointed. She wasn't ready to be a mother, and she certainly did not want to put herself, her friends and family through something as shameful as a teenage pregnancy(2). However, a part of her was saddened at the thought of not having proof of her time with Van. The idea of carrying his child wasn't bad by any means, though right now was defiantly not the time.

"I'm so relieved…" Yukari said, slumping beside her.

"You're relieved? I'm the one taking the test." Hitomi laughed easily, pushing all thoughts of babies from her mind.

"I still can't believe you did that." Yukari said and Hitomi turned to look at her friend. Yukari had not once judged her. Not as she told her the story of her time on Gaea, how she figured out Yukari liked Amano in the "return home that never actually happened", or as she told her about losing her virginity to the young boy-king whom she had fallen in love with. So, her words were not accusatory by any means, they merely expressed Yukari's honest shock.

Hitomi turned to stare at her ceiling. "Would you have done any different?"

"… no. If I knew Amano was leaving for good, never to return…" Yukari let the words trail off and Hitomi smiled. It was reassuring to know that her best friend would have been just as reckless had she been in her place. "How can you be so certain he will come back for you?"

"I can't."

"!" Yukari sat up looking down on Hitomi with a pained expression and Hitomi sighed, sitting up as well.

"I can't be certain, and I'm not. I just… hope he does, and believe he will."

"And what if he doesn't?"

"…" Hitomi let her eyes drift to the window. The nights had become cold and the days were becoming shorter with the seasonal change. She wondered how Van was doing. She had felt stress from their link as well as frustration and anger. She was curious what it was that was stressing Van out, but so far nothing but emotions had gotten through between them. She hoped he was well. "… if he doesn't come, then I will have no regrets."

Her answer was as honest as she could manage and she turned back to her friend with a smile. Yukari seemed not to understand but let the topic go easily enough, and the two of them left the room to get snacks for studying. The fear and worry from moments before forgotten.

When Hitomi missed her period completely, she chalked it up to stress. When she lost weight because she couldn't keep food down, she again thought it was due to her stress and the fact that she had been benched for the season due to her absence from track meetings. Hitomi didn't question it until winter finals approached and her nausea was almost as good as an alarm clock for keeping time and she could no longer blame her absent period on stress.

By then, she had no other excuse not to test again, and her concept of regret shifted dramatically.

Seventeenth Day of the Ninth Month

Seventh Year of Carusfatum

"Celena! You are wearing a dress! Please come down." Millerna pleaded with the woman who was already more than half-way up a tree in the royal garden of Fanelia. "That girl… how can she be such a tomboy?"

Chid snorted, wondering if the Queen of Asturia realized her own hypocrisy in that statement but refrained from pointing it out. His Aunt was very kind and fair, but she had quite the temper, and informing her that Celena wasn't all that different from herself would not go over well at all. Instead, he kept his eyes lowered so as not to see the white undergarments of the woman who had been badgered into wearing a dress for no other reason than Millerna wanted to dress her up. At least, that was how Chid understood it.

"Celena? Please?"

"I am so glad to be free from that duty." Merle said casually as she arrived with some snacks for the group.

"I just don't understand why she had the urge to climb the tree now." Millerna pouted, and turned to pick out one of the baked goods that Merle had brought.

"Thank you, Lady Merle." Chid said, choosing his own and watched as the cat woman blushed at the curtesy.

"No problem. I figured you all could use it." She turned to Millerna then, setting the plate on the simple table that was placed not far from them. "How are you doing?"

"It hasn't even been a day yet, Merle." Millerna chided gently. "Van made certain everything was in order when he left. So far, aside from Celena deciding to take up acrobatics," Blue eyes narrowed up at the girl who was seated astride a tree branch watching them with a blank expression of disinterest. Eventually, Millerna gave up with a sigh, "Nothing has happened yet."

"…"

"Were you expecting something, Lady Merle?"

"?" Merle's head came up and she looked around before shaking her head in the negative. "Not really. I just… it feels wrong without Lord Van."

Millerna gave her a friendly pat to the shoulder. "He will be back before you know it. Then you will have to adjust to having Queen Hitomi around."

Merle made a face. "Why does that not make me feel better?"

Millerna laughed and it drew a smile to the other woman's face as well. They were clearly joking but Chid felt a very real concern creep up and he frowned looking down at the pastry in his hand. They had all just assumed Van would wed Hitomi. It had all seemed rather simple, and it was only now that he questioned the action.

"Is she so ill-suited to be Queen?" His question drew both of their attention to him and neither noticed when Celena dropped out of the tree silently and stole a pastry from the table before scuttling away again.

"What do you mean?"

"… I know you were mostly joking just now, but I question just how well Hitomi would actually fair in such a position." He admitted with a frown. "It is no easy burden to be a ruler. And while I respect Van's choice, and believe Hitomi to be an impressive person, I do not remember her being all that capable as a ruler."

"…" Millerna bit her lip, not having a response for that, Merle, however, did. The cat woman looked off toward the wall of the palace. Chid noticed it was the wall that lead to the part of the surrounding town in which one would find the Orphanage. He'd seen it once before and had even spoken to his own advisors about implementing a similar program in Fried to deal with the war orphans and so he was rather hyper aware of its location.

"… I would have agreed with you once." Merle said with a soft laugh. "Before we returned to rebuild, I thought it was impossible for Lord Van and Hitomi to ever work out because of that."

"You have changed your mind?" He asked, curious despite himself.

"Yes." Merle's smile was soft and filled with memory when she spoke. "Shortly after arriving, Hitomi started asking both Lord Van and I about Fanelia and Gaea. She wanted to know about currency, history, the barter system and anything else we could tell her. She said it was merely for her own curiosity, but I think she noticed her own flaws and was trying to make up for them."

"So, she was actively trying to better herself to take on the task of being Queen." Millerna sounded proud for some reason.

"Yes. She even managed to suggest a solution to a problem Van was facing in regards to the six fiefs. I heard it was such a good idea that Emos tried to pass it off as his own."

"!" Chid was shocked to hear such a thing. Emos was a proud man, and while Chid had only met him a few times, it seemed impossible that a man like that would behave in that manner.

"She also resolved a minor issue when Van was unavailable." Merle was smiling again. "… when she left, I had no doubt that she could rise to the challenge. She won't be able to do it properly right away, but I do believe she will give it her all and become a capable queen in time."

"That's high praise coming from you." Millerna teased and Merle stuck her nose in the air in false affront.

"Well, I can't always kick her down." Merle said, preening a little, and the two laughed again, that was, until a stained, slightly torn and familiar dress dropped down upon their heads.

"!" Chid startled and then froze, an awkward blush staining his cheeks as he became aware of what this new development meant. He quickly averted his eyes to his toes, not wanting to see Celena in her undergarments should the woman decide to drop out of the trees again.

"What the—Celena!" Millerna shouted and from the sound that followed, she likely jumped to her feet, bundling the ruined dress into her arms. "This is enough! You can't run around in your undergarments! You are a lady!"

Merle had started to snicker at his side. "Wow, I never thought I'd pity Allen…"

"… Celena is… one of a kind." Chid managed, summarizing the woman in as pleasant a manner as he could. He wasn't entirely aware of all the details surrounding her. What he did know was that she was a prisoner of Zaibach for at least ten years and she had no memory of that time. She was mentally more a child than an adult and she was as head strong and stubborn as her brother. He didn't wish to say it aloud, but he knew the woman was damaged, and was not likely to ever lead what other's would call a normal life for a Lady.

"Why is she throwing her dress?"

"… well, Aunt Millerna thought she'd try and impress some… manners onto her while Allen was away."

"Oh." Merle said. "That was dumb."

"I heard that!" Millerna snarled, but was soon too busy chasing a nearly naked girl when Chid heard a thump followed by running footsteps. "Get back here young lady!"

The afternoon and conversation was rather ruined at that point, as before Millerna could catch Celena, Trent had approached with a servant who had an important message from Daedalus which needed Millerna's attention and so Celena was left in his and Merle's care. Thankfully, Merle was smart enough to retrieve Celena's usual clothes which the girl happily changed into and then joined them quietly, polishing off the rest of the baked goods swiftly.

He was relieved at the end of that charade as well as to know that Hitomi had the capability, if not the practice, to take on this role. He imagined she would be getting a baptism by fire if the letter was as dire as he suspected it to be, and should the weather indeed result in the famine Dryden predicted.

They should be fine.

Chid thought, his lips curling into a smile. Hitomi and Van were both strong and capable people. Together they were a force to be reckoned with and he felt rather foolish for having doubted that, even for a moment.

His gaze wandered to the mystic moon, barely visible in the daylight, and he wondered how things were going.

"They will be back." Celena said suddenly, causing him to flinch and stare at the girl who was currently poking at a flower, not even looking his way. "Jeture is guiding them."

"… right. Of course." He agreed.

"You are creepy. You know that right?"

"Lady Merle!" Chid was aghast that she had said that but was forced to back down when Celena looked at the woman and shrugged returning with her own statement.

"And you have whiskers. Do you know that?"

"?" Merle seemed both confused, insulted and unable to respond. Chid decided it was best to stay out of this argument as it made little sense and Celena didn't seem bothered by whatever Merle had to say. His eyes strayed back to the Mystic Moon and his thoughts returned to his friends and the memories he had of fortune telling and seeing the unseen before the War changed everything. Once, he had wondered what mysterious things lay upon the surface of that distant moon. He still wondered, though his desire to see it for himself had waned with time.

I hope they are safe.

"… what is wrong with you?" Merle asked of Celena and Chid sighed, amending his thoughts a bit.

Please come back swiftly.

Van had been surprised that Hitomi had recalled the melody for Fanelia's lullaby at all. He only distantly recalled singing it to her when the nightmares were bad enough that she was unable to sleep even with him at her side. It made him happy that she had even tried to bring this into Anil's life. After the second time through the song, with his addition of words, Van could tell that Anil had fallen asleep.

For all the energy the boy had in his waking moments, once he was tucked into bed and still, he actually fell asleep quite swiftly(3). Despite this, Hitomi continued to hum, her fingers carding through Anil's hair gently. Van sat at her side, waiting, only to realize, three repetitions in that Hitomi had no plans to move anytime soon. Frowning, he gently placed his hand on her shoulder to draw her attention, and he watched as she bit her lower lip. The melody halted but she neither looked his way, nor did she stop gently caressing Anil's head.

He was confused for a moment, before realizing what it was he was seeing. Hitomi was finally dealing with the trauma of having lost Anil before her very eyes. He had observed her all day and seen the way she clutched at Anil, the manner in which she watched him and the way her fingers twitched in the boy's direction when he moved from her sight. He knew she wasn't as calm as she had let on, but he'd honestly been fooled by her act at some point.

She is afraid he will vanish if she lets him out of her sight.

"He's safe. He's not going anywhere." Van whispered into her ear, attempting to ease some of the tension and fear that was keeping her here.

"… I… I just can't…" Her voice trembled slightly, and Van sat closer, embracing her from the side, his hand moving along her arm to cover hers as it stilled upon their child's head. He held her, not pulling her away only stilling the hypnotic motion.

"Feel his warmth, Hitomi. He's home. He's here. You won't ever lose him again." He spoke slowly, gently bracing her as the tremors began anew. He did have to pull her away when he feared her uncontrolled trembling might wake Anil, but he remained with Hitomi on the bed, allowing her to watch their son sleep for a long time. Eventually, her shaking stilled, and she leaned heavily against him and only then, did he dare to escort her from the bed and then the room.

The hallway was dim and silent; he couldn't even hear Allen in the guest room and assumed he must have retired for the night as well. His eyes strayed to the only other door in the hall he had not been shown and assumed that was where he and Hitomi would be sleeping. However, Hitomi seemed to have frozen directly outside of Anil's bedroom door.

She was staring at the door and her fingers had found their way into the fabric of his shirt front and had twisted there tightly, showing just how much she didn't want to move. He was tempted to ask her if she wished to sleep beside Anil but wondered if that would set a precedence or habit that would be even more problematic in the future.

Anil's bed isn't big enough for an adult to sleep comfortably in.

Van hadn't seen Hitomi's bed, but he doubted the three of them would fit comfortably in it. He let out a breath and then his eyes landed upon the couch in the living room. He could just see the end of it from where he stood. He was fairly certain if they sat there she could see Anil's bedroom door from it.

He began to pull her in the direction of the couch. Hitomi resisted a moment, "No… I, I don't think I can sleep right now."

Van gave her an understanding nod and pointed to the sofa. "Then let's talk for a while, until you can."

Hitomi followed the direction he indicated with her eyes and her lip trembled a little before she nodded her head and whispered, "… thank you."

He placed her where she could keep an eye on Anil's door and even returned to push the door open slightly so that she could see the sleeping figure before returning to her side. The second he had sat she pressed her hand into his own, squeezing gratefully. Silence fell like a heavy blanket as he tried to think of a topic to talk about; anything that might help put her fears at ease. He feared talking about how Anil had been in Fanelia this past week might only serve to agitate her further by reminding her of his absence.

But… would knowing he was fine help calm her?

Van had to admit that he was lost on how to handle the situation and he didn't like the feeling of not knowing what to do. Hitomi leaned against him resting her head on his shoulder and softly spoke up first before he'd come to any sort of decision.

"Tell me about Fanelia now. How has it grown? Does it look the same? Is Emos still… Emos?"

Van snorted at the last and cleared his throat to cover the sound. "Yes. The council is still as ornery and bothersome as ever."

"I'm sorry." She said, but unlike the apologies from before, the words were light and an affectation of her commissary with him which made him smile.

"They are your problem now too."

"… damn." Her explicative shocked a laugh from him. He couldn't recall a time he'd actually heard her curse before. "So, did the other advisors return?"

"No." Van shook his head. "We implemented your idea, but I disallowed the new heads of the fiefs a position on my council."

"How did you fill the vacancy then?" Hitomi asked, her voice sounding less tense.

"… it was a slow process. I appointed two of my senior knights first."

"That makes sense."

"Does it?" He asked, surprised by her assessment. "Emos and Idus did not think so."

"Of course they wouldn't." Hitomi shook her head. "They are far too concerned with lineage and their supposed nobility to consider what might be better for Fanelia as a whole."

Van's smile couldn't be suppressed. He'd forgotten how nice it felt to be understood like this. Hitomi had only just started showing this side of herself when they had said goodbye. He was grateful for its return.

"That's four. Your council should have six, shouldn't it?"

"I brought in Bora from Arzas. He was the leader at one point, but he has been replaced as his age has progressed."

"Oh. Does he stay in the central city of Fanelia, then? Or does he make the commute with the caravan?"

"He comes with the caravan most times. He will stay in the palace during times when the council may need to have reoccurring meetings. But he prefers to stay in Arzas."

"And the last?"

"Sorna. She is an elder from another caravan that travels between Freid and Fanelia. There was an incident regarding some young members of the caravan. When she came to retrieve them we had the chance to speak and I was impressed with her knowledge and unique view of outside politics."

"I'm sure Emos hates her." Hitomi sounded pleased with that and Van laughed quietly.

"Yes. He does."

"It sounds like you have surrounded yourself with many voices from varied backgrounds." Hitomi stated the obvious, but he had the impression she was praising him. He nodded his head and basked in it. For as much of a headache as his council could be, they truly were one of his greatest assets.

"… so, how is the rest of Fanelia?"

"…" He paused to consider how to explain. "Fanelia is doing well. We have had three years of good harvests. There has been lasting peace since the last issue involving Basram. Though there are still some contest on the border with Freid. Chid and the Duke of Basram have handled things so far."

"What caused the uprising?" Hitomi hedged carefully. Van almost responded out of habit, the explanation they had come to at the time, had been discontent from the reparations required of them and a preconceived notion of bias. Now, thanks to Dryden, he had a better idea as to what had actually happened.

He wondered if he should tell her of it now, or wait until she had settled in Fanelia. He didn't want to overwhelm her, especially now, but at the same time, this was serving to be a good distraction. She would have to know anyway.

If I inform her now, it won't be a surprise upon our return.

"… or do you not have an answer?" Hitomi asked, brows furrowed.

"No. We have a few good guesses."

"?" Hitomi was now looking up at him, and her grip had relaxed a bit on his hand.

"At the time, we had assumed it was due to discontent due to the reparations demanded." Van began. "There was also talk about Fanelia being biased against Basram for their actions in the war. They believed we were withholding grain from them for this reason." Van shook his head. " The truth, was that Fanelia experienced a low grain yield prior to the uprising. It was so soon after our initial recovery that it was a difficult for everyone. We all assumed the high tensions and lack of food lead to these thoughts and accusations. We managed to diffuse the situation by bringing proof that neither Asturia, Freid or Egzardia received any more provisions than Basram."

"That makes sense… but, do you no longer think this is the case?"

"… no. I do believe this is the case, we just have more information in regards to the situation." He paused and Hitomi waited patiently for him to expound. "Last year, and again this year, the northern Duchy of Daedalus has suffered severe winters which has negatively affected the harvest yield. The rains to our southern-most fief has received an overabundance of rain which will likely also affect the grain yield from that area and the western most fief is experiencing a lower than normal rainfall."

Hitomi's brows were furrowed and she looked like she was focusing especially hard on his words. Her free hand had come up and she was biting her thumb nail.

"I wouldn't call it a drought as of yet, but if we don't get rain there soon…" Van sighed.

"… did the same thing happen the year before the uprising?"

"Yes."

"… La Nina." Hitomi whispered eyes wide.

"You… you know of this?"

Hitomi nodded. "Yes. We experience something similar here. There are two weather phenomenon that occur in tandem every two to three years. They are called El Nino and La Nina." Hitomi began. "It really has to do with the heating and cooling of the ocean… I don't fully know the details to be honest… I only learned of the signs of each in my science classes."

"They teach such things in schools?" Van was rather impressed. Of course, he had never attended an official academy so he didn't know what was taught. However, Dryden's research and the fact that no one had made the connection before this, made him think that such topics were not covered on Gaea.

"Yeah… there are… a lot of things that are considered part of basic education here." Hitomi smiled and shrugged by way of explanation. For a brief moment, Van actually regretted that Anil would miss out on such an education, but he was not willing to leave either Hitomi or Anil here any longer. "… I'm sorry to say there is no known way to stop this from happening. All you can do is prepare for it."

"Dryden was kind enough to send word of this. He had kept detailed records of this pattern. We have taken some action to hopefully remediate the affects next year's lowered yield will present."

"… so, when we return, it's going to be busy." Hitomi said with a smile, though he couldn't tell if the smile was amused or not. Van chose to simply nod in response. "Well, I guess it's better to be thrown into the thick of it. You don't have time to doubt or worry too much when you are simply trying to stay afloat."

"…" That was one way to view it, and he was glad she wasn't overly upset by this turn of events.

"Have you considered reaching out to Basram and Zaibach about this?" She asked, head tilted slightly. "If you can send the data Dryden has compiled on this weather pattern as well as the records of Fanelia's declining grain yields, it might go a long way to appeasing them and assuaging their paranoia about being mistreated due to past actions."

Van pressed a kiss to her forehead and wrapped an arm around her shoulders to express what he felt. She always had been quick on her feet, and this only proved that he was making a wise decision to take her as his queen. Hitomi flushed and smiled, cuddling close, her eyes wandering back to Anil's room.

"Dryden likely has already thought of that, but I will include the records we have in the next missive to Zaibach and Basram as well. A show of good faith is never a wrong option."

Something in what he said must had reminded her of something as she sat up suddenly and pulled from his arms.

"Hitomi?"

"I forgot again." She chided herself and was suddenly up, moving to a bookshelf and pulling out several large books all with similar covers before returning to sit at his side. "Sorry, I don't know why but what you just said, reminded me that I wanted to show you these."

Her smile was self-satisfied and filled with expectation. He was honestly a little concerned that he might disappoint her if his reaction wast what she was expecting, when she sat back down and ran her hand over the cover reverently.

"I… I began putting these together when I realized I was pregnant."

"What are they?"

At his question, Hitomi opened the cover showing glossy pages with hand-written notes in a language he could not read next to portraits like those decorating her home. It took him a moment to realize what it was he was looking at. He didn't understand what the dark black and white portrait was, nor what the white stick taped inside was, but he could guess they were some kind of proof of her pregnancy as there was also a portrait of Hitomi with a very swollen belly on the opposite page. Turning the page he was gifted with more portraits which told him exactly what these books were.

This was a compilation of memories. Of all that he had missed.

Emotions swelled inside and were suffocating him in such a tender warmth he was nearly incapable of breathing at all.

She recorded it all. For me…

"… so, I know it isn't the same, but, I wanted to give you a chance to… be a part of it all. So I wrote it all down." Hitomi said, pointing to the items and explaining what each was, though most of the words made little sense to him. "This is the home pregnancy test, and this is my first ultrasound."

She was explaining, and even reading a few of the entries for him. He wasn't quite able to respond at first, drifting along listening to her explain each photo and excerpt. There were pictures of Anil directly after his birth, his red squished face and matted tuft of hair so different from how he looked now, pictures at each stage of his development; pictures of when he first sat up, rolled over, crawled, his first tooth. Everything was dated, marked and documented.

She was opening the second album she had brought over when it was simply too much and he stalled her with a gentle hand, turning her face to him and pulling her into a hug, his eyes burning with tears he refused to let fall.

"?"

"… thank you." He managed to get out after a few painful heartbeats, and he felt her arms return his embrace.

"I'm glad you like them." Was her cheeky response, and for it, he pressed his lips to her own in a kiss that expressed everything words simply fell short of.

His kisses were addictive and should be labled as a controlled substance. Hitomi melted into the contact, happily forgetting everything except for the warmth of his breath, the taste of his lips, and the gentle, coaxing pressure that was more reassuring than any words could ever be. It was also, frustratingly controlled.

She had been the one to request that they move slower in regards to their physical reunion, mostly due to her own physical changes that made her insecure after having a baby, but still, the fact that he was kissing her so sweetly and deeply without crossing into that burning, all-consuming passion from before, was equally endearing and aggravating.

She knew why she'd placed the limitation. They both needed time to reacquaint and learn each other, but right now, losing herself in his arms, hiding in the blissful cover of his wings and forgetting everything else sounded so sinfully tempting. She broke the kiss before she could do something she'd regret and buried her head against his chest to pull his attention back to the book.

Van relaxed, his head bumping against hers and he looked down with her as she opened the book that contained the memories from Anil's second to fourth birthdays. Between reading him the entries, her eyes inevitably strayed to the open door in the hallway where she could see Anil sleeping soundly. She had not expected to react so violently to seeing him again, nor how much she would need to see him sleeping safe in his room once he'd been returned. She had a whole new understanding for Van's mother when she went out to search for Folken.

… it must have nearly killed her… waiting with no hope… no answers…

Hitomi swallowed hard and pressed closer to Van, grateful anew for his existence and the fact that he had been able to give her that reassurance even from so far away; that he was still giving her it now by simply understanding and remaining at her side.

"Here, Anil was just turning two years old." She pointed to a picture of Anil that she had taken in the yard of this house. Anil was being held up by Amano and he was touching the leaves on the persimmon tree out back. She clearly recalled that day, as poor Amano and Yukari had learned of Anil's wings in a very shocking way. "Anil was always getting startled and his wings would just…" She made a popping noise with her lips. "It scared me to no end…"

"Anil said something about that." Van said calmly, his fingers running up and down her arm soothingly.

"He doesn't even remember that half of it…" Hitomi grumbled. "He would sneeze and rip his cute little baby clothes right off himself." She pouted recalling how she had very few mementos from Anil's infancy for that very reason.

Van chuckled and pressed his fingertip to the words she'd written beneath the picture. "What is written here?"

"June 25th, 1999. Today Anil decided to explore the back yard. Discovering he was tall enough to climb the lower branches of our persimmon tree, he managed to get up the tree before a butterfly spooked him. His wings popped out ripping his shirt. My friends Amano and Yukari saw this happen as Anil then cried out, "Uncle 'Mano" and leapt into his arms, wings outstretched like he didn't have a care in the world." Hitomi dutifully read, a smile curling her mouth. The last sentence however, reminded her of her previous thoughts and she spoke it with slight hesitation. "I suddenly have a new appreciation for what your mother must have dealt with raising you."

They were silent a moment; her dealing with sudden awkwardness from having said that to him, and Van likely remembering the mother who left him far too soon. For all the insights she had gained into Varie's possible frame of mind and feelings, Hitomi just couldn't understand her leaving Van at Anil's age to go search for Folken. Yes both boys were her babies, and it must have killed her to wait with no hope and no answers, but Van was only five. He was still so very small and he needed her just as much.

Of course, this was something she could never speak of nor could she think of writing it down for Van. She already felt foolish for what she had just read.

"Mother always was chasing after me." Van said finally, and thankfully he sounded bemused rather than upset. He did, however, change the subject swiftly, "Merle refers to Anil as a demon spawn—"

"She, what?" Hitomi choked on her own shock and startled laugh. It was insulting and amusing that Anil had managed to gain such a nickname from the cat-girl and in so short a time.

"—I imagine I was not so different."

Hitomi smiled and looked up at Van. He seemed content in some way, and after that, it was easier to read the notes she'd written years before when she had been scared but brimming with hope. Page after page, she shared the memories of their son and with each entry, a little more of her anxiety ebbed away and her eyes grew heavier until she yawned around the words she was trying to read.

"Come." Van commanded gently. "Let's go to bed. You can show me the rest tomorrow." Van's larger hand pushed the album closed and he plucked it from her hands to place safely upon the table before them.

His suggestion made sense, yet Hitomi went ridged. Her eyes darted to Anil's bedroom door, and a bolt of adrenaline pushed aside the fatigue momentarily. "… I… I'm not sure."

"You are tired and tomorrow will be here soon." Van said with a mild chiding tone that was surprisingly effective without being insulting. Her concerns, though, were not logic based and as such, his logic wasn't working.

"I know… I'm just…" Hitomi bit her lip and closed her eyes. "… I'm scared."

"What are you afraid of?" Van managed to ask this without any sort of tone. It was surprising actually, and she wondered if this was how he sounded when he was dealing with his council, or other matters related to ruling Fanelia. It was kind and inquisitive without censure. Or maybe, she was just so tired that she was incapable of hearing it anymore.

"… I don't want to lose sight of Anil." That was easy enough to admit to.

"Hmm. If we leave both doors open can you see him from the bed?"

Hitomi had to think about it a moment, as she hadn't really thought of it before. Most of Anil's life she had simply used the baby monitor so that if he needed her she would hear him right away. In fact it was still there in his room. She hadn't bothered to turn on the one in her own room in a while but it was still there.

… I could turn that on, and see if I can watch him from the door way.

At that thought, some of her anxiety was appeased.

"… I don't know."

"Let's find out." Van's smile was kind and she allowed Van to bring her to her feet and start to guide her to her room. Once in her room, it was easy to see that, if she moved to sleep on the left side of her bed instead of the right, she could indeed see into Anil's room. She could even see his sleeping face. An exhaustive relief washed through her and she sagged, nearly forgetting Van was there at all. That was, until she heard the familiar and also alien sound of his sword clinking inside its sheath as he set it against the wall beside the bed.

Her mind flashed back to seven years ago, to the shadowed room of a palace; one in Freid the other in Fanelia. Her heartbeat picked up pace for a moment and she was almost afraid to turn around as the sound of fabric assaulted her ears. She knew if she turned Van would likely be stripped of his shirt. Due to her request she knew he'd sleep in his pants, he might have also kept his shirt on for good measure and the sound she'd just heard could have been from the bedsheets being turned down. Regardless, if she turned, Van would be there, at her bedside just as she dreamed, hoped, and agonized about for so long.

I don't know if I'm ready for this…

"Hitomi?"

And she was afraid.

What if it's not the same? What if I can't sleep with him beside me?

Her thoughts kept spiraling up and out of control, becoming more overwhelming with every breath. It was exactly what had happened before when she realized she was pregnant, and just like then she started to close off, determined to resolve the problem herself, until a warm, steadying hand touched her shoulder carefully.

"!" She jolted and turned, eyes caught and trapped by intense brown.

"… this isn't just about Anil, is it?" Though the wording was a question, the way Van said it was a statement. Hitomi wanted to lie, to deny it all but faced with those eyes, and bombarded by the memory that she had asked him to be open and honest, she swallowed back the urge and, ignoring her dry throat, answered.

"… it's been so long… what if… what if it's..?"

Weird.

She didn't have the courage to say that, but her mind was so frazzled she simply couldn't think of another way to word the question. She stood there, the unfinished question hanging between them and then, Van was pulling her to sit down upon the bed beside him.

He had not removed his shirt and the bedding had been turned down she noticed with an odd sort of detatchment. His hands held her own as he faced her, his expression calm and relaxed.

"If you would rather, I can sleep on the couch."

"!" Hitomi straightened, her hands tightening on his own. Even before she had fully processed the offer, she was speaking, "No! I don't have any clean blankets out, and that's just foolish. There is plenty of room here in—" Her words broke off at the sound of Van's stifled laugh.

Her cheeks flushed again and she pouted a little. "It's not that funny."

"No. It isn't." He agreed, though his lips were still curled. "Since you don't want that… why don't we just try it out."

"…but, what if it seems strange after all this time? What if we aren't used to sharing a sleeping space and it's just… uncomfortable?" She voiced her fear in a whisper, feeling more like a child than the twenty-two year old she was.

"Then we will have to become used to each other again."

It was so simple. Said so easily, that Hitomi could find no argument against it. She didn't bother changing into her sleep clothes. Her leggings and long button down shirt were comfortable enough to be slept in and so it was a matter of seconds for them to crawl beneath the blankets and snuggle down together. Her heart was beating harshly against her ribs as she lay up on her side only to be drawn securely into Van's arms. She was stiff for a moment, the feared awkwardness clearly there between them, but swiftly following was the soothing warmth of his body, the smell of the fields and when she allowed herself to listen to it, the steady thrum of his heartbeat.

Hitomi let out a shuddering breath, her eyes focused upon the form of Anil, laying in sweet repose; safe and sound. Her own form was embraced in warmth and tenderness. Her body relaxed quicker than she had anticipated, and that languid, drowsiness that had been lost to adrenaline was swiftly returning. Her breathing was starting to slow and deepen, her eyes began to lower, her thoughts transient and fleeting when Van spoke softly against the shell of her ear. His voice was deep and reverberated through her entire being, bringing goosebumps to her arms.

"I am here. You and Anil are safe. I will protect you."

The words, sweet and sticky like candy, sparked a sudden epiphany that momentarily brought her thoughts into order.

Oh. That's what was different.

Hitom's mouth dropped open and she clutched at the arms embracing her, feeling foolish for not having realized it before. She had been worrying over his request, not understanding what could have changed from the time the war had ended and before she had left to make Van feel more secure. She hadn't realized what had been lost between them after her departure that he would make such a request; that she depend on him. Now, it seemed so obvious she nearly laughed aloud.

She had trusted and depended on him to keep the nightmares away. Every night that she had sought him out to sleep by his side, she had unconsciously been relying on him in a way that was all but unnoticeable to her, but it had been reaffirming to Van. She had relied on him openly and often on an emotional level and that had been enough.

Could it be that simple?

"See, it doesn't feel strange at all." Van said, rather smugly from behind her and Hitomi smiled. She lifted her hand to twine her fingers through those that rested on her waist. He had been so gentle, so careful with her tonight, and she had remembered that this was how Van had always been.

Loving, kind and patient.

Sure, he had been awkward and a little clumsy in the beginning, but Van had always been kind, considerate and thoughtful. Now was no different, and while her mind and insecurities tried to complicate things, it would seem that for Van, at least, it really was just this simple.

I've been such a fool…

"Van?"

"Hmm?" He sounded sleepy.

"I…" She started, and then, cleared her throat when the words got stuck, "…I need you."

"?" He didn't say anything, nor did he move or alter their comfortable position, but she knew he was listening to her all the same, so she licked her lips and forced the words out while she still had the courage.

"I can't promise to do it all the time, but I will work on relying on you more. I just… I wanted you to know… that I do. I need you. You are my strength… and… I appreciate that you are trying so hard… for us."

"…" His silence was unnerving and she held his hand tightly, forcing herself to calm, to believe in what she knew of Van. She breathed slowly and deeply, watching Anil and focusing on the warmth at her back, the feeling of safety that she had only ever felt when wrapped in his arms and let her body relax back into it.

I don't need him to respond… I just wanted to tell him.

The feeling of familiarity returned quicker than she thought possible, and in the stillness of the night, she felt herself begin to drift once more. Her eyes slid closed, her body sinking into the mattress and into the solid, protective form at her back gratefully, and just as she was losing herself to the sweet embrace of sleep, a soft press of lips to her temple registered. The kiss was accompanied by a whisper of words that followed her tenderly into her dreams(4).

"Thank you."

It was easy to fall asleep, and Hitomi was unsurprised to find her rest was better than it had been in years and that for the first time in far too long, she was free from nightmares of any kind, her dreams, instead, were filled with fields of swaying wheat, clear skies and falling bright white feathers from two angels flying lazily above her.

18 September, 2003

Earth

Anil opened his eyes to the soft glow of sunlight drifting in through the curtains of his bedroom. He blinked groggily, and slowly as the room came into focus. His door was open and across the hall he could see into his mother's bedroom. She was laying upon her side, facing him, sleeping soundly.

I'm home..?

He sat up, rubbing the sleep from his eyes and clutched Balgus to his chest. He was in his favorite pajamas and for a moment, it seemed as though his trip to Gaea had all been a dream. However, folded neatly on the chair by his desk were the clothes his father had given him which proved he had not dreamt it all.

An elated smile stretched his face and he clamored from his bed, almost running into the open door to his mother's room. His grin widened further when he saw his father also sleeping beneath the blankets beside his mother. He wriggled, pleased that his plan had worked. He had saved his family! He'd brought his father home, and now they would return to live together in Fanelia as they had always meant to. He had stopped Fumio's plot to take his mommy away and saved the day.

He, Anil, was a superhero.

Filled with pride, Anil climbed onto the bed and forced his way between his parents, who grunted and shifted at his intrusion until he was squeezed between them. He giggled overjoyed to finally be able to do this. He'd wanted to try this ever since a classmate had spoken of it once when sharing what they liked most about the weekends.

This really is the best thing, like, ever!

He was trapped between his mommy and daddy, and within moments both had moved to hug him, effectively sandwiching him between them. He had never been so pleased to be squished.

"You are so pleased with yourself." His mother said sleepily, lifting a finger to tap his nose.

"Yep!" He agreed, squealing when his mother changed tactics and started to tickle his sides. "Daddy, save me! The tickle monster's got me!"

His father seemed confused but dutifully snatched him up and out of range, but his victory was short lived as his father then took his turn to poke at his sensitive ribs and sides.

"Ah! Mommy! Mommy save me!"

"Oh, so now I'm mommy? What happened to the tickle monster?" She teased, but she reached out to stop his father's dancing fingers, stalling him with a gentle touch. She then leaned up to press first a kiss to his father's lips and then another to Anil's forehead. "Are you hungry?"

"Yes!"

It had been a while since he'd had breakfast made by his mother, and he was excited. He sat up bouncing in place until both his parents were hustling him off of the bed and out of the room, smiling much as he was. He plopped to the ground but didn't leave the room until after his parents had left the bed as well.

"Why'd you both sleep in your clothes?" Anil made a face. He was always told to change into night clothes before sleeping and he knew his mother had pajamas like his. They would have pajama parties over the school breaks and camp out with blankets on the couch watching Power Rangers and Pokémon. So why hadn't she changed into them?

"Well, your father doesn't have any pajamas here and… I was just so sleepy I forgot." His mother answered with a small smile.

Anil shook his head, hands on his hips as he had seen both his mother and Merle do when scolding him. "Mommy, that's not good."

"I'm sorry Vayu, it won't happen again."

"Vayu?" His father who was busy stretching and fastening his sword to his hip paused and looked up at them. "I've heard that before, what is that?"

"Oh, Van, I don't think you'll need that at the breakfast table, right?" His mother gave his father a look as she pointed to his sword. His father frowned and seemed reluctant but, as usual, what mommy said, went, and he eventually set it back against the wall.

"Vayu?" His father asked again, raising an eyebrow.

"I chose Anil's name from a list of baby boy names from around the world. Anil is the Hindu god of wind. I thought it was a fitting name. Another name of the same god is Vayu… it has the first two letters that are the same as… well… your name and… you, know what, it's just a nickname." His mother's face had flushed pink and she had turned away from his father to point at him.

"Go get dressed and make your bed."

Anil pouted. "But… I don't have to go to school here anymore… Daddy got me teachers."

"Teach—Van?"

"Anil doesn't know the symbols of the language on Gaea. He will need to learn quickly."

"Oh. Yeah… I'm going to have to take those lessons too…"

"Mommy? You can't read and write like daddy?" Anil made a face.

"Not like daddy, no." His mother smiled. "And Daddy can't read and write like mommy either."

"You don't know katakana? What about hiragana?" His father shook his head no at that. "Woah. Does daddy need a teacher too?"

His mother laughed and shooed him out the door. "Go make your bed. I'm going to make breakfast and then we have a lot to do today."

"But why? Aren't we going back?"

"No. Mommy has to do a few things before then." His mother paused in her own attempt to make the bed and turned back, crouching in front of him. "You do want to go back to Fanelia, don't you?"

"Uh-huh!" Anil nodded emphatically. "It's really cool there! I have my own room, and daddy takes me flying and there's a huge garden to play in and daddy said he'd teach me to wield a sword, and all the people that work in the castle are really nice, well except that old mean man but Merle says he's like that to everyone so—" His mother's laugh cut him short and he smiled back, relieved to see her so happy after all the crying yesterday. He hated to see her cry.

"Okay, you have made your point. So, hurry up. You also need to choose which toys you want to bring back with you. And they all have to fit in one bag."

"Only one?"

"… pick out your favorites and your father and I will discuss it."

That was good enough for him for now, and so, he darted back across the hall to his room. He stripped out of his clothes and hurriedly put on his clothes from the day before tugging his comforter into some semblance of straight.

After he was satisfied, he turned around to survey his room. His toy chest was overflowing with toys and his small bookshelf had all of his favorite books. He hadn't thought of any of these things while he'd been with his father, but now that he was looking at them, he didn't think he could easily part with any of them.

"Oh boy… Balgus… I think we have a lot of work to do." Setting his one-eyed dragon as sentry upon his bed, he pulled out his overnight bag from his closet and started to go through his things. He was sitting cross-legged on the floor his arms crossed and looking between two different stacks of books when his mother walked in.

"Hey, how are you doing in here?"

"… can I really only bring one bag?"

His mother laughed and sat down beside him. "See what fits and then tell us what else you wanted to bring and we shall see." She rubbed his head and then pulled him into her lap hugging him tightly. "Anil. I know you already answered this, and I am happy you want to go, but I need to be sure."

"About what?"

"… when we go, we won't be able to come back here for a long time."

"How come?" Anil was confused. "Is it because of the things daddy had to do before we could come get you?"

"Yes. Partially… do you remember how Uncle Amano once lived far away across the ocean?"

"Yeah. You said it was before I was born."

"Yes. Well, it was very hard for him to travel back here so he didn't visit all that often. Moving to Gaea will be like that."

"Oh." Anil didn't think he understood what his mother was trying to say.

"Do you understand what that means?"

Anil shook his head no. He understood they wouldn't come back for a while, but that was okay with him. He liked where his daddy lived and as long as Mommy and Daddy were there with him that seemed like a good idea to him.

"Well, we won't be able to see Yukari or Amano for a long time." His mother began. "Grandma, Grandpa and uncle Mamoru either."

Anil felt his mouth fall open. He hadn't thought about that. A sadness crept up in his stomach and he pouted, pressing into his mother's side. He didn't want to leave them, but he wanted to live with his daddy and he wasn't sure what was the right answer.

"Anil." His mother wrapped him up in a hug, pulled him into her lap and rocked gentle from side to side. "I'm not saying this to make you change your mind or make you sad, baby. I just want you to know what it means."

"… should I not want to go?"

"Oh, Vayu… no. It's good if you want to go. This was the plan wasn't it? I always told you one day we'd leave with daddy."

"… but… I don't want to say goodbye to grandma and grandpa…"

"It's not forever sweetie." His mother kissed his forehead and patted his back. "It's okay to miss them and mommy and daddy will do all we can so you can see them again."

Anil nodded, rubbing at his eyes that stung a little though he wasn't crying yet. He supposed this was like what his father had talked about before they had come here. It would take a lot of planning and other boring adult stuff.

I can't be selfish… if I want to live with daddy and mommy… I have to be brave.

He could do that. He was a hero.

"Okay."

"You still want to live in Fanelia though, don't you?"

Anil thought about it real hard. He didn't like saying goodbye, and he hadn't thought about what leaving would mean but he really did like Fanelia. He liked that he could fly with his father. He liked that his father and those he had met there seemed to like him just for existing. He liked how clean the air smelled and he liked that he had a friend there. Sure Celena was an adult like his mother, but she understood him. Merle had also said that once he could go visit the town, she was certain he'd make lots of friends his age. It had to be better than here, right?

"Yes."

"Okay then." His mother pressed another kiss to his temple. "I want you to be happy, Anil. No matter what, so you tell me how you feel. Always be honest with me."

"Okay, Mommy."

His mother gave him one more tight squeeze and stood up holding out her hand which he took easily following her out. He assumed breakfast must be ready since she had come in to get him.

"So, what do you think of your dad?" She asked and Anil grinned, over-joyed to have been asked.

"He's awesome! Just like you said Mommy, he's a super hero!"

His mother's smile was warm and bright and it put a happy bounce into his step. He was glad he hadn't broken his mommy by leaving, and he was glad that they were all together. He didn't want to say goodbye to anyone, but he was also very happy to have both his mommy and daddy with him. Daddy had to stay in Fanelia, and so that meant they did as well.

Like Mommy said, it's not like we can never come back.

With the innocence of youth, Anil skipped into the kitchen and took a seat at the table, smiling up at Allen and his father who joined them. As he tucked into breakfast Anil decided that he would take the stack of books on the right for sure, and ask for the others in another bag.

A.N. So, I know Hitomi seems to be all over the place in this chapter, but I'm trying to bring a sense of realism to this. Let's face it, I at least, will say one thing and think the exact opposite in the same breath. It doesn't mean I have really changed my mind upon my decision, it just means that I was swayed by the events of emotions of the moment. I hope this is clear and no one is upset with how this is going.

1) HCG builds up in the body over the course of the first trimester of pregnancy. Each woman will gain this level differently which is why there is a range in numbers to determine how far along one is. A standard home pregnancy test will only pop positive if one has enough HCG built up in their body and urine to trigger the reaction. This level is usually reached approximately five days after the fertilized egg has implanted into the uterine wall. You have more accurate results if you test first thing upon waking in the morning before you drink anything (I.E. the first urination of the day) because the HCG is more concentrated then. You will get a false negative if you test too soon, at any other time of the day before you have already missed your period, or if your levels are simply too low to detect in your urine yet. I am saying that Hitomi ovulated late, by about 4 days. So the night she left she released her egg. It takes five days to travel down the fallopian tube. So October 10th, was the day she conceived Anil, meaning he implanted on the tenth and that was when she started producing HCG. Every two days the level of HCG will double, so her levels are WAY too low to test positive yes and she is testing in the middle of the day. Generally speaking, it will take about five days after implantation for HCG to be detectable in urine. So the earliest she will see a positive test will be the 15th of October.

2) This is based again off of that TV drama I watched called "Thirteen-year-old Mother" which came out in the early 2000's and depicted a pre-teen's experience of being stigmatized and ostracized for choosing to keep her baby despite both the school and her parents pressuring her to abort. This is not my personal views.

3) This is true of my five-year-old, not so true for my 2-year-old. Each child is different but I like to think Anil is a lot like my eldest son so, yeah he got that trait.

4) I know this isn't the same, but, my husband routinely switches between day shift and night shift and there is always this weird awkwardness when the shift happens as I have to adjust to falling asleep alone, and then adjust to falling asleep in his arms when he switches back. It ALWAYS surprises me how quickly I adjust to falling asleep beside him. It's always so reassuring and I worry for no good reason, it's a little funny. Anyway, that was the inspiration for this.