A.N. Okay, in this chapter I have some touchy material in regards to Hitomi's mother. I do not think of her as an evil person, just someone overwhelmed and pressured by society. However, she does admit to having tried to pressure Hitomi into aborting her child which could be triggering for some so I am warning you all in advance.
Disclaimer: I do not own The Vision of Escaflowne, nor any of the characters therein, this is purely non-profit fanmade fun.
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"God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know it's me."
-Author unknown, variation of an excerpt from "The Serenity Prayer" by Reinhold Neibuhr
XX
Chapter 20: Serenity's Prayer
XX
3 December, 1996
Earth
XX
Pregnant. I'm… pregnant.
She felt numb and then a rush of paralyzing fear took over causing the trembles to grow in both intensity and strength until the little plastic stick had fallen from her numb fingers. Nausea rose and she pushed out of Yukari's hold to run to the bathroom, losing her stomach contents promptly for the second time that day.
Pregnant… I'm pregnant! Oh god what will happen to me? What will I do?!
Her thoughts left her crying as her mind was filled with the horror stories she'd heard and seen with her own eyes. Her school would demand that she either drop out or abort the child inside her, and despite her parents love and support, what if they abandoned her as well? Her family's good name and reputation in the neighborhood would be ruined and it was all her fault.
My family will be shamed… I'll be kicked out of school…
Panic was making her breathing come harsh and fast. Distantly Yukari was speaking; probably telling her to calm down, but Hitomi couldn't pay attention to her words, she couldn't even hear them over the thunderous roar of her heart as it propelled her blood through her veins. She couldn't think beyond her sweaty palms the cold prick of cold settling deep in her bones as the sick swell of fear twisted her insides into knots.
She had known that there was the possibility, she had tested before, clearly with a false negative, and she had worried about these things then. Now, however, it wasn't just a possibility, this was what was awaiting her in mere moments. She was trembling and her thoughts were scattered, bouncing around chaotically landing on random thoughts and tangents that did nothing to stop the rising panic. Until, the single most important fact finally bubbled up.
I'm pregnant with Van's—
The thoughts froze and an odd still fell over her as that fact fell into place. Silence; thick and muffling, fell over her thoughts. Her ears still hummed with her racing heart and adrenaline was still sparking across her skin, but there was a quelling stillness that allowed her thoughts to organize. Slowly her hand moved to her belly, curving over the still flat stomach protectively. This was Van's child. Their child.
Van… Van's baby…
A warm, protective strength slowly began to form, spreading up her limbs and stabilizing her, chasing the sinking, consuming fear that had been strangling her before. Along with the warmth came the distant flutter from her link with the man she loved beyond reason and sense. Concern, worry and fear battered at her and tears sprang to her eyes along with a smile that was equal parts hysteria and joy.
Van… I can still reach out to him. I can leave… before my family has to deal with the shame… before—
Hope and reckless spontaneity burned like a flame in her chest and Hitomi almost sent all her panic, need and pleas for help to Van. She knew if she sent that back to him now, he would show up. He would arrive ready to fight off an army to save her, and once he knew about their baby he would take responsibility, because that was who Van was. She could leave Earth and this failed attempt to acclimate to her old life. She could return to Van's arms, the security of Fanelia and…
… run away again.
"Hitomi?!" Yukari's frantic cries finally broke through to her and she was forced to look up and into the tear stained face of her best friend. It wasn't unlike a bucket of ice water, the feeling that descended as reality and sanity returned harshly to destroy that fantasy she was trying to build. "Hitomi, are… are you—!" Yukari cut off her question, face twisting into an agonized mask of worry. Her friend's hands were trembling and they clutched at her as though she feared Hitomi might vanish before her eyes again if she didn't physically hold her in place.
Yukari had acted this way ever since her return, and it only drove home the selfishness of her previous thoughts. Hitomi's throat felt tight and thick as she swallowed down a fresh sob, painfully aware of just how many lives her decisions, her actions affected.
… I can't just run away. Yukari suffered so much last time… my family…
Hitomi swallowed down the bitterness in her mouth and closed her eyes against the new tears that burned her eyes. Hiding in the darkness her eyelids provided, Hitomi forced herself to send Van the same blasé response she'd been giving him for the past two months; reassurance, love and patience. She'd started sending that when she realized they weren't able to send actual words, and anytime she wasn't carefully monitoring what was sent, Van responded with worry.
She knew first hand just how busy he was, how much he needed to be doing every day. She couldn't stomach the thought that her difficulties; catching up with her studies, the whispers and rumors about her disappearance and the way she was treated like an outcast or some freak attraction by her classmates, the scorn for ceasing her fortune telling, was a burden to Van and the recovery of Fanelia. So, she'd been trying to modify what she sent him for his own sake. She didn't like doing it, but what other alternative did she have?
I can't run away yet… if I send him the truth now…
"Are—" Yukari choked, letting out a sound that was mostly fear, her hands gripping Hitomi's hard enough to hurt. "—are you going to leave again?"
"?" Hitomi's breath hitched and she stared at her best—and now only—friend, aware of the abject terror and loss she was seeing in those eyes. Hitomi felt as though she might throw up again though it had nothing to do with her current physical state and everything to do with her mental one.
"… I mean, you have to tell… him, right?" Yukari cast her eyes around the room, and Hitomi could see her trying to control her own emotions, shoving them into a box one by one.
How had I missed this before?
Hitomi returned the grip and watched her best friend flinch before slowly turning back to her. She gave Yukari a small, sad smile, hoping to reassure her while she gathered her thoughts and a response to her question. Her silence, however, was taken for something else as Yukari's eyes widened and she gasped.
"Wait. Did you already—is that what you were doing when you closed your eyes just now?"
"?"
"Have you?"
"… have I, what? Yukari, you're not making any sense—"
"…have you already told him?" Yukari asked again and the emphasis on the pronoun finally drew the string of nonsense into order. "Can you even do that?"
Hitomi almost laughed. She'd told Yukari all about Van, she'd even told her that they were still connected, however it was still near to impossible to explain it accurately.
And how can I explain my choices right now?
"No." Hitomi let out a sigh, deciding honesty was the best course of action. "I guess I could if I tried hard enough… but…"
… but telling him would just be running away again… besides, what if there was another problem?
Hitomi chewed on her lower lip, forcing herself to remember that although the war had ended and reparations and reconstruction had begun, that did not mean everything would remain peaceful. Dryden had left Asturia, all but abdicating. He, and Millerna, had been Fanelia's biggest and most powerful allies. Now, Asturia was under the power of only a queen. From what Hitomi understood, that was relatively unheard of. Asturia was left in a state of unease and flux, it wasn't that hard to imagine some disgruntled group causing trouble when the allied forces were weakened internally.
"What do you mean but?!" Yukari snapped, suddenly jumping to her feet and pacing around the small room, her voice rising with her temper, "He helped get you into this mess! He should help you out! He's a king right? There must be something he can do!"
"Yukari…"
… why are you sacrificing yourself again?
"Are you planning to abort it?" She snapped and Hitomi jerked back and away from her, hands falling to her stomach protectively as though the words alone could harm.
"Wha—no! Why would you even ask—" Hitomi's teeth clicked together she cut herself off so quickly. She knew why Yukari was asking that. It was what her school would demand if she wished to remain and finish out her education.
The reputation of the school would not permit a teenage pregnancy to sully their name and credentials. She was even now, fighting a losing battle with the school because her grades were dragging down the school's numbers. This would undoubtedly get her expelled.
And what of my family? Will they demand this as well?
"If you aren't going to abort, then you need to tell him." Even as Yukari said it, Hitomi could see the pain it caused her best friend. Yukari had dealt with her disappearance and the backlash she had gained by having seen in and she was believed to be crazy or an accomplice in Hitomi's murder. Vicious rumors had spread that she had killed Hitomi in order to be with Amano.
For six month she and Amano had put up with the slander, bullying and outright hatred from classmates and police. Hitomi had finally returned and now that negativity was aimed at her, but while Amano had finally managed to escape to study abroad; Yukari and she were still trapped in the thick of it. If she left now, Yukari would be all alone again (1).
But if I stay… my family will have to disown me. How will I survive?
"He's a king, Hitomi. He can make this okay can't he?"
"It doesn't work that way…" Hitomi said in a daze, still trying to regain her composure, "…besides, he's busy right now. More people need him than I do… I can wait."
"Wait? Until when? You think he's going to ever be completely free, Hitomi?" Something in those words made Hitomi's heart turn cold and she stilled. Fears, doubts and insecurities clamored up to choke her.
… she's right. Van is King… he will never be free…
Her hands fisted in her shirt as she recalled the way they had carefully snuck around. How they had kept their relationship secret, both fearful of others finding out. She'd thought nothing of it at first, but now, drowning in insecurity, she wondered if that should have been a red flag.
If I go back now… would this baby be an even bigger problem for Van?
She clearly recalled the chaos that had surrounded Chid's parentage and conception. She hadn't asked Van or anyone about it, but she had the impression that a child conceived out of wedlock, even one born to a ruler, was frowned upon. Sure, Van could and would come for her, but would things really be better on Gaea?
… Van never said anything about marrying me…
It was getting hard to swallow now and Hitomi squeezed her eyes closed trying to block out the voice of her own fear that tried to say that Van never intended to marry her. She tried to console her heart with the fact that he was helping her learn about Fanelia; that he had even let her resolve some problems in his stead.
… but, were they really problems that needed his attention in the first place?
She'd helped a baker and his wife regain their home and helped another family find a new one. She delivered rations to an orphanage and had a debate with an old man on his council. Had she really done anything noteworthy at all?
"… Hitomi, you need to tell him." Yukari pressed. "You can't just wait—"
"… Four years…" It was a whisper, as it had always been, and somehow, it was a defiant strength; a beacon against the darkness of her misgivings and doubt. Hitomi clung to it and used it as both her armor and weapon, "…we promised, so I'll wait till then."
Yukari was staring at her, her mouth agape and Hitomi could well understand her shock, but she refused to let it shake her resolve.
Four years. I can wait until then… I don't know what will happen but…
Her hand rubbed her belly protectively, determination giving strength back to her limbs and heart that she certainly did not have before. She would stay here, she would protect this child to the best of her ability. Should there come a point where she couldn't, then she would reach out to Van, but so long as she could stand it, she would wait until the promised time.
I can do this… it's just four years.
While she'd been in silent contemplation, Yukari had reached the end of her patience.
"What if he never comes!?"
"…" Hitomi stared at Yukari, her heart aching at the words, the one fear she couldn't completely put out of her mind and heart. She hadn't wanted to consider it while she'd been with Van, and she'd not had the strength to think on it in all this time.
What if he never comes?
The cold that suffused her was intense. It felt akin to staring into the vastness of space, or sinking into the depths of the dark sea. She drifted in the sensation thinking over everything she was facing right now. If she chose to keep this baby she would have to leave school. She would have no high school degree. She might be kicked out of her home and disowned. No job, no money, no home, no way to safely have this baby or raise it.
If she needed to she could drag Van here early using their link and he would take responsibility, but he may come to resent her and their child for that. That could be better than living on the streets but she wasn't certain of it. Or, she could abort the pregnancy like it never happened.
… but how could I face Van if he does come in four years knowing… I killed our baby? That I killed Van's…
Hitomi shook her head violently at the thought and gripped her arms tightly around her middle. She knew only one thing for certain; this child was important to her. She could not; would not abort it. Not for anything.
If Van never comes for me…
"… then I'll at least have this part of him to keep."
A sense of peace settled with those words and she managed to smile, feeling that, at least, was the correct answer.
"That's insane! You can't sacrifice yourself like this, or be this pathetic over a guy who may not even care! And if he does, you're depriving him of his son! The heir to his kingdom!" Yukari seemed far more upset by this than Hitomi felt now that she'd come to a decision and Hitomi reached out to take her friend into a hug. Yukari froze and in the next breath she started to sob.
Hitomi held her, shockingly calm and composed while Yukari sobbed and clung to her. Just moments before she'd been panicking, vomiting and falling apart herself.
"You are sacrificing yourself… you can't…"
"No, Yukari," Hitomi said, smile firmly in place, "I'm giving him the chance to live free of me."
If he doesn't want us… at least I'll have you, little baby… no regrets.
XX
18 September, 2003
Earth
XX
He's doing it again.
Hitomi let out a breath slowly to refrain from reacting to the tone Van had just used; the command he'd just issued. She knew this was just one of Van's quirks, something ingrained from his upbringing as a future ruler and now further impressed from seven years in the position of King. From the very first time she'd met him, Van had a haughty, arrogant and annoying way of speaking at times. She had grown fond of it to some degree while she'd been living in Fanelia and at his side, however, right now it had caused her to internally recoil.
No, perhaps recoil was the wrong word, she immediately wanted to contest his will simply out of spite.
Sometimes he just brings out the worst in me…
Hitomi thought bemusedly to herself. For all the good Van did in her life, he was still an individual and as an individual, he had a unique way of getting under her skin, perhaps more so simply because of how deeply she felt for him. Which was likely why she'd said what she did; without thought or consideration to how they would be received.
"There's really no need, Van. I can handle this myself." The moment she said it she regretted the words and she froze, eyes widening and seeking out Van instantly.
They struck him as she feared they would, and those brown eyes that she loved darkened with emotions that she could only assume were disappointment and hurt. She winced and called herself stupid in as many ways as she could as she cast about for a way to salvage this.
We just talked about this Hitomi! So, he got a little cocky… and that's going to need to be a conversation in and of itself but…
She sighed, hoping her regret read clearly in her expression as she dredged up the words she'd need to repair this quickly, before it could become a bigger problem than it already was.
… this was not the way to do it.
"Uh, Hitomi, I—" Allen began but she ignored him, actively cutting him off so as not to miss this critical moment.
"—actually, on second thought, while I don't need the help… I would like your company." She began, purposefully using some of the verbiage he had yesterday in hopes of pointing out that she had recognized her faux pas and was trying to remedy it. "And it is always better to be safe… if you still want to come, that is."
She watched as Van's expression slowly; incrementally shifted and she nearly slumped with relief when his lips quirked minutely upward and he repeated his declaration with a little more pompousness, though she thought he was doing it on purpose this time in some attempt to lighten the mood.
"I am coming with you."
Cheeky little…
Hitomi thought, a smile transforming her face. She wondered if it was normal to be so smitten by something that had just moments before irritated her. Her gaze tracked over to her son and she was reminded that she often felt this exact way toward the tiny child that had turned her life upside down and inside out.
"Thank you, Van."
His own smile was warm, clearly he understood her olive branch for what it was and was appreciative of her efforts however clumsy.
"I will be sure to be vigilant on our outing today." Allen interjected and Hitomi turned to stare at him, her previous concern and all the reasons for objecting in the first place returning in vivid detail.
"No way."
"!" Allen seemed stupefied at her words and openly gawked. Hitomi's cheeks heated as she tried to explain herself without further insulting Allen.
It's going to be difficult enough with just Van in tow… and at least he won't stand out too terribly much.
Allen's blond hair, blue eyes and tall stature would only highlight his peculiar clothes and the weapon he carried. No, there was no way she could take them both out with her. It was already going to be difficult to try and convince Van to leave his precious sword behind at the house. With Allen she knew she stood no chance.
"Van is more than capable of protecting me." Hitomi continued sharply, leaning back into her seat with a sigh. "We will be leaving after breakfast. Just the two of us."
She dared to look at Allen then, impressing her point firmly with both tonal emphasis and a narrowed, stern look that worked best in deterring Anil from bad behavior. She tried not to notice the smug grin that Van now had, and the way he'd straightened slightly in his chair at her words. She didn't want to acknowledge how easily she could affect his mood like this, and besides, she needed to stay firm when staring down Allen Schezar.
"Is Allen babysitting me then?" Anil asked innocently, and just like that her mood changed lanes once more.
I don't want to leave him here.
Her stomach clenched and her body tensed in point blank rejection of the notion. He'd only just returned, and she was viscerally against letting him out of her sight and grasp. However, she had just stated her intention to do just that, and the only way Allen would accept being left behind was if it was to complete a task similar to what he'd already intended; protecting the royal family.
… oh, that is weird…
Hitomi blinked to push the random thought out and focused once more on the actual issue at hand.
"…" Hitomi couldn't find her voice and stared at Anil, her heart racing far too quickly as emotion went to war with logic.
It would be easier and faster if Anil stayed here where it's safe…
But she didn't want to be so far apart from him.
Allen is reliable. He will keep him safe, and if I show him how to work the phone, Yukari and Amano will be there to help…
Except she didn't like that idea at all.
"Hitomi?" Van called gently and she turned her eyes to him. Whatever expression she wore had him standing from his seat and walking around the table to her side. She blinked in confusion even as he pulled her up and into his arms.
"!" The shock and sudden public display of affection made her flush again, and she stiffened, hands fluttering at his sides. "Van—"
"I can make up an excuse to keep Allen here." His words were soft, whispered directly into her ear and the kindness; the understanding of her actions stilled her anxious motions and made her eyes burn with tears. He'd pulled her into his arms so that he could offer this without Allen over hearing, despite the fact that he was likely as uncomfortable with this public display as she was.
Oh, Van…
She pressed her face to his shoulder and held on, hiding from the world, her fears and everything else. In the comfort of his arms, the chaos seemed to drain away; blocked out by his warmth, the cover of proverbial angel wings and the sound of his strong heart.
"Mommy? What's wrong Mommy?" Anil asked, tugging on her shirt, and Hitomi squeezed Van once more before pulling out of his protective grasp and kneeling with a smile to tweak Anil's tiny nose before pulling him into a hug as well.
"I'm fine, honey, mommy's just being… silly."
"… you don't look silly. You look sad."
That was likely very true.
"Mommy doesn't want to leave you."
"Oh." Anil hugged her tightly, his small hand patting the upper part of her back. "It's okay mommy. I'll be right here when you come back. Allen will make sure I'm safe."
It was so innocent and sweet it nearly brought her to tears again. "Promise?" She asked, and held up her pinky when Anil pulled back with a grin of his own.
"Pinky promise!" Anil linked his small finger around her own and pressed his thumb to hers to seal it.
"… did you want to come with us?" She asked gently, peering into her son's eyes.
"… hmm." Anil's nose scrunched and he mulled over her question with such seriousness that she nearly laughed. "Where are you going?"
"We are going to your school—"
"Blegh! No, thank you."
Hitomi did laugh then, ruffling Anil's soft black hair. "Oh, it's not that bad."
Anil gave her a look and shook his head. "I'll be good with Allen. We can play."
Glancing up at the knight of Cali, Hitomi noticed that Allen seemed a bit pale but that was all she could read.
"Allen?" At her inquisitive tone, Allen flashed a reassuring smile, hand on his sword which he'd hung from his hip.
"No harm will befall the Prince of Fanelia. Feel assured and complete your tasks."
"…"
Well, he said it.
"Right." Hitomi gave Anil one last squeeze and kiss to his forehead. It would be hard to leave him, but he didn't want to come, and really, she couldn't stay at Anil's side all the time despite wanting to. "Then I guess it will be just us."
Van smiled and nodded. They finished eating and Hitomi moved the dishes to the sink and washed them. After drying off her hands she turned and found Van fastening his sword to his hip.
"Are you ready?" He asked a pleased expression upon his face and Hitomi stifled a groan.
"… I... need to change."
"What's wrong with what you are wearing?" He asked and Hitomi felt herself blush again.
"These clothes… are lounge clothes and besides, I wore them yesterday."
Van looked confused and Hitomi sighed, deciding that it was a lost cause. "I would be more comfortable if I changed before we left."
Van seemed to accept that and she escaped to her room. She put on jeans and a shirt since she wasn't going into work professionally today; in fact she was going to quit in the most unprofessional manner without giving any notice. Casual wear was appropriate.
After dressing, Hitomi paused considering Van's apparel and sword. As much as she wanted him to feel comfortable, she simply couldn't let him bring the sword, and if he would agree to wearing something else, she could avoid unnecessary questions or looks.
But what can he wear?
It wasn't like she had menswear lying around her house. Fumio had never gotten close to staying overnight even in the guestroom, and there had been no one else. She'd had her family over a few times, but no one had left any sort of clothing behind except…
Oh! That might work!
Hitomi rushed out of her room and toward the closet which held her washing machine and a simple post and shelf for hanging clothing. There she found her younger brother's jeans, shirt and sweatshirt from his favorite band.
She gathered the clothes into her arms and walked out to find Van. She found him leaning casually against the wall near the front room where Anil was seated coloring. Van had his arms crossed but they fell to his sides when he caught sight of her. He pulled up and approached her with a casual grace and smile that quite honestly made her mind blank for a moment in pure appreciation of his form.
"Ready?"
Focus Hitomi!
"Er…" She coughed to clear her throat, only then noticing Allen. He was also in the room, and was now staring at them. Not wanting to have this conversation in from of him, Hitomi grabbed Van's wrist and dragged him back down the hall to her room.
"Hitomi? What's wrong?"
She closed the door before turning to him and held out the clothing. His eyes dropped to them then back up to her own.
"… would you try these on, please?" She asked in a voice that was far too soft and she internally groaned.
"…" Van was frowning looking at the items, but he reached out to lift the hoodie. She was relieved to see that it looked like it would indeed fit him. Her brother was already on the tall side so she had hoped this would be just about right for Van.
"… it might be easier to blend in if you wear this." Hitomi diplomatically said, setting the rest of the clothes on the edge of the bed when Van did nothing more than stare intensely at the Umibozu text and stylized wave decal on the hoodie's front (2). "Sorry I don't have anything else to offer. My brother left them here last time he visited and… well, I haven't had the chance to return them yet."
"Your brother?"
Hitomi was slightly confused at the emphasis he used but assumed Van had forgotten she had a younger brother or something, and didn't think too much on it. "Yes. Mamoru comes over one weekend a month to stay the night. He and Anil are pretty close and it gives him a chance to be away from our parents which he likes. He's at that rebellious stage. Anyway, the last time he did so he went to a concert—" She cut herself off with a shake of her head realizing Van likely wouldn't know or care what a concert was, nor did he need the whole back story. "These are clean and I think they will fit. Will you…wear them?"
Van's expression, now oddly lighter and more relaxed than before, turned contemplative, and then he set down the clothes and began to strip.
"!" Hitomi felt her cheeks flush and she turned around, though she only felt more foolish for the action when she heard Van snort.
"It's nothing you haven't already seen." He teased gently, clearly amused at her shy response which only made it worse. She covered her face and let out an embarrassed moan which prompted more of Van's chuckles as he changed. She didn't turn back around—though she did sneak a peek through her mirror midway through which only made her cheeks burn more and made her question why she wasn't jumping him—until she heard the clink of his sword in its sheath.
He was putting the sword back on.
"Van."
"?" He was holding his sword and was just about to secure the sheath to his hip when she caught him. She was momentarily distracted by the visual he made in those clothes and couldn't think much beyond that. The jeans hugged his hips much as his other pants had, but it somehow accentuated and drew attention to his behind, which she had to admit looked good. The hoodie, while made not to conform, still hinted at his lean frame and broader shoulders. Honestly, he made the sweater look far better than any merchandise had any right being.
He looked like someone she would pass in the street and it was startling how normal he looked in those clothes while at the same time, and perhaps she was bias because this was Van, but he made the outfit look particularly appealing. Van was in no way a model nor did you look like a celebrity or anything, but she was certain he would still pull a few glances from passersby.
Why on earth is this so sexually appealing..?
"Hitomi?"
Hitomi shook her head again to free her mind and reached out to still his hands before they could secure the blade. "… could…" Hitomi took a deep breath, knowing that this was going to be the most difficult request. "Would you leave that here?"
"!" Van looked as though she'd asked him to castrate himself.
Logic. Let's use logic first…
"… Van, no one carries weapons around like that here. It would… be more problematic than an aid." She tried to explain, keeping her hand upon his and trying to explain it to him gently. "In fact… its actually illegal."
"… it's dangerous not to be prepared."
"I know, but… I'm asking you to trust me on this." Hitomi implored, looking into his eyes and gripping his hand a little more. "It will be far more dangerous if you bring it out with you. You won't be allowed into the places I need to go… you can't protect me if you can't go with me."
That last bit was a bit manipulative and Hitomi felt a little bad for using it, but she was willing to call it collateral damage if she could convince him to leave it behind. It wasn't like she was lying. There was no way he could come onto school grounds with that, even if she tried to tell other's it was a prop.
Watching his eyes and face as he considered what she had said, Hitomi was reminded of just how few times she had actually seen him without that blade. What she was asking of him, was no small matter.
"I know you can protect us, even without a sword." She praised him, the statement both heartfelt and a placation. Van's brow pinched and his grip tightened upon his sword for a long moment, before he set it back against the wall.
She could see the tension and reluctance to leave his blade behind in such a foreign place, and she felt her heart clench as he turned away from it as though ripping off a bandage and stalked from the room with a clipped, harsh, "Let's go."
She didn't take offense to the tone or brusque way he left. He was uncomfortable and was making a rather large concession to her and actively attempting to trust her. She understood, and appreciated this sacrifice and so she followed him back out with only a soft touch when she came alongside him and a quiet, "Thank you."
Van didn't respond and then they were accosted by their son.
"Woah! Daddy you look like uncle Mamoru!"
"He does not." Hitomi denied, off put by the notion and actively rejecting it especially after having ogled Van just moments before. Perhaps it was because of the excess tension or maybe her brain simply stopped functioning. Whatever the case was, the next mortifying words slipped out before she could stop herself, "Unlike uncle Mamoru, he makes this look good (3)."
She wished the ground would open up and eat her.
Oh my goodness that was horrible….
Hitomi refused to look anywhere but at her son after that statement and knelt to hug Anil, kissing his cheek desperately hoping that by the time she had to look back, the moment would be gone and she could pretend it never happened at all. "Be good for Allen."
"I will."
"You are not taking your sword?" Allen sounded disapproving and Hitomi reflexively turned to tell him off. She had heard such scorn directed at Anil far too many times and it was instinctive to defend when she heard it, however, Van did not require her defense.
"It will only cause unwanted scrutiny. You can't have missed the attention we received yesterday." Van said this very casually, if she hadn't witnessed his reluctance in the room, she would never have guessed leaving his sword had not been his own decision. "Besides, I do not need a sword to defend us."
"…" Allen did not seem convinced. "I cannot in good conscious let you two leave without even a weapon. I am here to ensure the safety of the royal family of Fanelia. As a knight—"
"Allen. Bringing a weapon along will only bring more danger." Van interjected. "This is not our world. I must defer to Hitomi's knowledge on such matters." Van's eyes narrowed and some silent communication seemed to take place as Allen, while still scowling, let out a breath and turned away, his arms crossing. "She is more than capable of assessing the dangers here."
Warmth spread through her at that, and Hitomi couldn't help the satisfaction and pride that welled up despite knowing Van had been reluctant at first. No, she was even more touch because of that reluctance. He was defending her decision while standing resolutely at her side supporting her. She suddenly wanted to kiss him breathless though she suppressed the urge.
"I do not approve of this action." Was Allen's final rejoinder.
Van didn't seem to care much about those words as he merely turned back to Hitomi and offered his hand. "Shall we?"
Hitomi squeezed Anil one last time before confidently taking that offered hand. His fingers curled warm and protective around her own and she smiled, suffused in the tenderness that he gave her. "Yes."
She grabbed her purse on her way out, checking to be sure she had her id and the pay as you go cheap cellular phone. She planned to call her mother and update her on events as well as see if they could reschedule the gathering for Saturday. She had planned to call from the landline initially, but thought better of it.
The exited her home together, hand in hand, and she couldn't help the giddy flutter in her stomach. She was stupidly excited to be going out with Van, to walk the streets of her home world with him without being chased by a land dragon and she was still riding the high from his words to Allen.
I haven't grown up at all, have I?
She couldn't shake her excitement no matter how depreciating her thoughts, nor could she drop the smile that his hand had given her. Once they made it to the main street, Hitomi pulled out the cell phone and dialed her mother.
XX
Kyoko hung up the phone gently, the conversation with her daughter leaving her chest tight with mixed and conflicting emotions. Hitomi had always been a bright and lively child, full of ambition and dreams. Kyoko herself had always worried for her child's future especially when she started showing abilities akin to her mother-in-law.
"Thank goodness…" Her hands trembled and she had to take a moment to let the relief rush through her before she could move again without risk of falling down. It had been so long since she'd felt this way. She had prayed she would never have to experience it again, but fate and the karma were never so kind.
I suppose this was my punishment…
When Hitomi had disappeared, Kyoko's world had turned cold. Fear and terror had consumed her and she had very nearly lost her mind in those devastating six months. The worst of thoughts and fears consumed her sanity as she imagined horrific and torturous endings for her baby. The world was cruel and filled with monsters disguised as humans. She had one job; protect her children from that, and she had failed.
The only hope she had lay in the testimonies of two terror stricken teenagers and the fantastical stories her mother-in-law, Yuri, had told about her youth and how a blue beam of light had spirited her away one summer night (4). She would never admit to how often she prayed for that to be the truth. She had been blessed with a miracle when Hitomi had returned with her own fantastical story that thankfully did not have any of the darker elements her nightmares had made her fear.
Of course, hearing that her daughter had been in a war and had survived watching people die and seeing those deaths in visions, and in some cases, living them had made her sick for days, but at least Hitomi had not been tortured herself, or raped or murdered. No, all things considered, this was far, far better of an outcome. Even when Hitomi admitted her intentions to return to that world, Kyoko had felt releaved. A lot could change in four years after all, and there was a chance Hitomi would not leave. She could smile and accept Hitomi's words because regardless of what she said now, things would change. At least, that was what she told herself.
It was only a matter of time.
Kyoko sighed and tucked a lock of her dark hair behind her ear where it had escaped the hold of her braid. She ventured through her family home, littered with memories and photos of the life she had built with her remarkable husband. This life had not been easy and was fraught with hardships, but it was good. One she could honestly declare pride in. Her husband was only half Japanese, and growing up in the 1960's his life had not been easy. She herself had witnessed the secular cruelty for both marrying her Mareo and for her daughter who took after him so much.
Surviving those trials however seemed small in comparison to the stigma that befell them after Hitomi had discovered her pregnancy at fifteen. The neighbors still did not speak with them, and the neighborhood kids still sometimes committed mild acts of vandalism that amounted to little more than childish pranks. Thankfully, Mamoru no longer had to deal with the bullying after transferring to a high school of his choice but he never once blamed Hitomi for it. He came home and was in trouble for more than a few fights before high school, but at least he had come out strong. It had been difficult, but she still felt it worth it.
She paused, lifting a framed photo of her, Mateo and Anil. It had been taken at the summer festival a year ago. She smiled, running her fingertip over the image of the small child that had turned their world upside down. His arrival had been one of mixed feelings and seeing him now brought about both joy and self-reproach for her.
She had been disappointed in her daughter for being pregnant. She had thought Hitomi would have had more sense than most, but she also could not fault her for wishing to be with the person she loved. She had been disappointed and then, unjustly angry when Hitomi had proclaimed her decision to keep the child. Hindsight being what it was, Kyoko could only feel remorse for her actions.
The stress of having lost her daughter, her return and the insurmountable problems she now faced as she tried to return to her life, Kyoko's inability to help her daughter in a physical way, the stress of the stares from their community and the whispers and rumors she could not hide from all coalesced into a darkness in her heart. It was a darkness that came out in the most vile and hurtful way she could imagine and was the source of her greatest failing, and shame. Hitomi may have forgiven her, but Kyoko would never allow herself to forget. She never wanted to repeat her actions ever again.
When she had been screaming at her daughter, demanding compliance and obedience it had shockingly, been Mareo that had brought her around to accepting Hitomi's decision. Mareo rarely chastised her for her actions, and the fact that he had in this instance went a long way to confirming her own irrational actions. She had yelled, cried and worse when Hitomi had told her of her condition and that she refused to abort.
Mareo had been still and silent, until she had started to threaten to kick Hitomi out of the house if she didn't see reason. Then, he had calmly gripped her shoulder and shook his head. He told Hitomi she should rest now and they would speak properly in the morning. Watching her baby girl run up the stairs, arms around her middle, sobs still wracking her body, Kyoko had started to feel remorse. It was then, that Mareo had then given her the quietest, firm and most effective lecture Kyoko had ever received in her life.
"She survived a war, Kyoko. She is no longer a child. Do not ask her to kill her baby."
There had been much more to his speech than that, but those words had affected her the most and rang in her ears at night, and nearly every time she saw Anil. It twisted her insides and made her feel ashamed to think she had been so harsh and so ready to snuff out that life that she now adored so much.
"Thank heavens he's back…"
Kyoko set the picture aside and walked over to the calendar placing a star upon the twenty-first and circling the twentieth writing a quick note. She did not like that she would only get to see her grandson once more before he and her daughter left, possibly forever, but at least she would get to see them and say goodbye this time.
I don't even deserve that… thank you… thank you for coming back…
Tears blurred her vision and it was difficult to breathe around the lump in her chest and Kyoko allowed herself to slump, arms tight about her waist as sobs wracked her frame. She had never regretted anything as much as she did her words to her daughter that night. She swore she would never again allow outsiders to dictate how she spoke or saw her children, and when she held that tiny baby she had once wished dead in her arms she swore she would never again dictate how her children should live their lives.
I swore on your tiny life, Anil… so I will let you both go… I'm sorry… I love you…
Her eyes felt swollen by the time the tears had stopped and she had slumped completely to lie upon the floor. She knew she had to get up. She needed to call Mareo and let him know that Anil had returned and that Sunday they were going to be saying goodbye to both him and Hitomi. They would also finally get to meet the angel that had taken their baby girl's heart, after dragging her through a war.
It wasn't fair, she knew, to blame the man her daughter had chosen to love, he was after all half of her wonderful grandson, but it was true that if he had not existed, she would not have lost her daughter in the first place. Of course, by that logic, she would never have had the chance to meet her grandson but she didn't want to think about that. However, she had promised to accept him and be kind and so, she would.
She would meet that Van of Fanelia with a smile. She would be courteous and get to know him as much as she was able to do so. She would leave a good impression upon him and show her trust in Hitomi's judgement.
Mamoru and Mareo would grill this King Van for her after all. Mamoru was big into science fiction and since they had all seen Anil's wings and knew Van was from another planet, Mamoru would likely ask the poor man a million questions he couldn't answer before demanding he treat his sister right. Mamoru had developed an odd protectiveness toward Hitomi over the years since her disappearance and acted more like an older brother these days.
Mareo, of course was Hitomi's father. He was tall, stoic and despite his generosity and kindness, he could be very imposing. Kyoko smiled, knowing just how well Mareo could use words to cut a person to the quick. He would ensure that Van knew how precious Hitomi was before they left and he would also figure out the true mettle of the man by the end of the meal on Saturday. No, she could play the role of loving understanding mother and allow her men to do the heavy work.
She didn't want to let her baby go, but she supposed she had been living on borrowed time with them, and deep down she had always known that this was temporary. Even when Hitomi had brought that nice young man over to meet them, Kyoko had known that Ishikawa Fumio was not someone who could make her daughter stay.
She sat up, and rinsed her face in the sink. She retrieved a glass of water and sipped it before reaching for the phone to call her husband. Mareo would be going on his lunch break soon. She needed to speak with him, and she knew he would offer her the comfort she needed to be able to accept all of this with a smile on Saturday.
I wonder if Hitomi would bring Anil by tomorrow to play for the afternoon?
She didn't deserve the blessings she had, she knew, but she was selfish enough to want to keep it for as long as she could.
XX
To say he was uncomfortable would have been an insult to understatements everywhere. Van was used to the weight of his sword at his hip. He had been trained from a young age to carry, wield and defend with his blade and with exception only to when he was inside his personal rooms, he always had it with him. Its weight was familiar and lent a sense of control to the unfamiliar; at least he could defend himself if need be.
I need to trust Hitomi's judgements… besides, I do not want her going anywhere alone.
The thought was only slightly mollifying, and Van knew that until they had made it back to Hitomi's home, he would be on edge, uncomfortable and less than affable. It was, however, the best he could do. Thus far, they had made it out of the residential area on foot and back onto the crowded street he and Allen had traversed just the day before. It was gratifying to know that Hitomi had been right about his clothes as no one did more than glance his way as they passed if that. He was, for all intent and purpose, invisible. It made it easier to trust her words regarding his sword.
His neck and shoulders were tight and his eyes shifted tracking how many people passed him, his awareness overloaded with information; how quickly someone moved, their apparent trajectory, probability of them attacking etc. It wasn't until he flinched, spinning, his hand landing on his empty hip out of reflex as a young man in clothes similar to Hitomi's uniform from seven years ago, rushed them from behind, that Hitomi took notice of his tension. The kid didn't even seem to notice, calling out a hurried, 'excuse me, sorry' as he bolted past and Van felt his heart hammer in his chest, instinct screaming at him that he was a fool and should return for his weapon when Hitomi's hand gently slid into his own. Fingers linked together, palms flush against one another.
"… I'm sorry."
She certainly sounded it, and Van swallowed hard, his eyes moving back to her own, trying desperately to focus on her while all around him people and potential threats moved in unpredictable patterns.
"… thank you for trusting me." Hitomi continued, acknowledging his efforts and sacrifice in a way that wasn't placating or defensive. Van relaxed minutely taking deep steadying breathes.
"…" He nodded his head in response, unsure of what he could say.
Hitomi didn't seem to need a verbal reply, however, and she gently pulled him along by their interlocked hands. She started up a senseless, one-sided, conversation that they both knew was only to fill the silence and keep his mind on her. It didn't do much, but it was better than nothing and Van worked on calming his nerves.
It's like being in Fanelia. The streets aren't that dangerous. She knows this place. She said I could protect her without a sword.
"—my mother agreed to move up the meal to Saturday." Hitomi continued and Van was reminded of the odd device she had put to her ear and spoke into moments after leaving the house. He had been curious but was unable to ask as his mind told him the dangers were his problem now that she was distracted from her surroundings. Honestly, he hadn't registered on any of what she had said at the time.
"What was that thing you spoke into?"
"Hm? Oh, you mean my phone?" She pulled the device out and showed him. It was black but the front lit up as she pressed a button. Van nodded his head, attention trapped by the strange item. Hitomi then proceeded to explain that the device was called a 'cell phone' and it was used to communicate between large distances. Most of the explanation was lost to him as there were words used that he had no context for, but that was fine. Mostly he wanted to try to focus on anything other than his nerves.
She continued to talk to him and hold his hand while they walked to their first destination, something she called a Police Station. She had equated these men to Knights and he could see the similarities upon arrival. They wore uniforms and followed a structural procedure that was easy to understand. They were efficient when she informed them that she needed to rescind a missing person's file as the child had returned. There were questions and paperwork that she needed to fill out and sign but it was remarkably quick overall (5).
While he was a little concerned that this was resolved so swiftly and with relatively little questioning, he figured it wasn't that important. Hitomi and Anil would be leaving this place in the next three days and it mattered little the competency of her world's Knights. He was intrigued, however, by the identification card and once they left the police station in route to Anil's school, he asked her about it and was given another explanation that was easier to follow than the cell phone conversation, but still rather foreign. It was easier to ignore the potential dangers this time, though he still keenly felt the missing weight of his blade at his side.
This 'Kindergarten' that Anil attended was gated and had bright colored signs and things stuck upon the windows. It seemed nice and lively and he could see the small children running around in the same colored over shirt that Anil had arrived to Fanelia in. Another uniform he supposed.
"Kanzaki-san." A woman called out, approaching them when they entered the front door. She was wearing comfortable clothes and an apron that currently had some colorful paint smudged on it. The woman's expression seemed guarded as though uncertain how to act and her dark eyes darted over to him several times. "… has there been any news?"
"Sato-san(6)." Hitomi greeted politely. "Yes, Anil is home."
"Oh, thank goodness." The woman placed a hand to her chest and sagged with clear relief. "We were all so worried." The woman glanced his way once more before looking back toward Hitomi. It was clear she was curious about him and wished for more information but was either too polite or knew better than to pry.
"Yes. It's been a very difficult time for our family." Hitomi agreed, and Van was actually surprised by the casual distance in her tone and words. He had always known Hitomi to be emotional, expressive and friendly. The way she was interacting now clearly placed a verbal wall between herself and this woman.
Anil was hesitant to have a teacher… could this woman be the cause?
"Of course." The woman agreed. "I take it he will not be returning, yet?"
Hitomi's smile was cold. "No. We are taking time for the family. I'm here to pull him from enrollment and to collect anything he has left here."
The woman's eyes widened before she glanced away, her cheeks pinking slightly though what that meant Van had no idea. "Right. Of course. I'll bring the paperwork and his file."
As she scurried away, Van looked to Hitomi and raised a brow. Hitomi met his gaze and shook her head slightly. He took it to mean she would tell him when they left the place.
The woman returned and again, Hitomi signed some documents and retrieved a folder with colored sheets and other things tucked away inside. The woman wasn't looking either of them in the eye as she did so, but she did dare to stop Hitomi before she left.
"Kanzaki-san, you asked that we tell you if he drew that figure again."
"!" Hitomi seemed surprised and turned to face the woman, attention snared. "He did?"
The woman nodded uncomfortably and handed over a single sheet of paper. "… he drew it the day he…"
"I see. Thank you, Sato-san." Hitomi took the paper and all but dragged him out of the place. Van stared at Hitomi as she guided them back out and onto the street. He wanted to ask but wasn't sure how to word his inquiry. So, he continued to stare at her until Hitomi let out a large breath and guided him to an area where there were some benches and sat.
A long stretch of silence began as Hitomi seemed to try and find the right words to explain what he had just witnessed.
"… Anil has… problems… with the schools he's been in."
"?"
Hitomi let out a large sigh. "It's been hard on him because he clearly isn't…" She paused and seemed to mull over how to explain herself.
Normal. He isn't what is considered normal for around here.
Van's hands tightened and he felt justified in his decision to bring Anil back to Fanelia where, to some degree, he could control that.
"… let's just say that due to both my grandfather and the fact that you aren't from here, it's brought about some conflict for him."
"Your grandfather?"
"Yes. I'm sure you've noticed, but not a lot of people around here have green eyes and this light of hair… or as defined features as I do."
He hadn't, actually, but Van didn't say anything as he doubted that was the point she was trying to make.
"My grandfather is from another country. My father and myself look a lot like him. Here in Japan, the common physical traits are obvious. Some people, not all mind you, are… unaccepting of this variation."
"I see."
Hitomi smiled sadly, fingering the folder. "… he also struggled because… well, I think he got some of my… abilities as well."
"… I wondered about that."
"?!" Hitomi's head shot up and she looked worried at his pronouncement so Van looked around at the passing people as he explained.
"Anil drew some pictures while with me. One… well, he didn't want to talk about it, but it looked very much like Folken."
Hitomi let out a large breath, then slowly held out the picture the teacher had handed her as they were leaving. It was a drawing of a person. The person had brown eyes and blue hair, a black mark under the eye, and wings. It wasn't anything definitive but it was far more identifiable than the one he'd drawn in his study.
"He started drawing Folken a couple of years back… the first time I noticed it was around Oban."
"Oban?" Van asked, recognizing the word as one of the holidays Anil liked best.
"It's a time celebrated in the summer. Relatives and ancestors are remembered." Hitomi explained, "It is believed that the spirits of those family members who have passed can reach out and make contact at that time as well (7)."
… so, it is reasonable to believe he has actually seen Folken.
Van wasn't sure how he felt about that. On one hand, he rather liked the idea that his brother could know his son, but on the other, he was still conflicted over how things had ended between himself and Folken. He was concerned over what Folken might impart upon his impressionable son and that left him uncomfortable.
"… I told him that having abilities that others don't is dangerous. Like his wings he should keep it between family members only."
"Wise." Van agreed, recalling how even with the irrefutable evidence of Hitomi's visions, there was still disbelief and conflict in regards to it. Hitomi nodded, tucking the picture into the folder she was carrying. She didn't seem pleased however, and he could see the weight this had placed on her. "I am sorry you had to deal with this alone."
Hitomi shook her head. "… this ability runs in my family… I was prepared for it… somewhat."
"It would have been easier with help."
Hitomi couldn't argue that, but chose to continue the conversation beyond his statement. "… he never actually told me about Folken. He never used his name nor has he told me if he's seen him again… I have been…"
"Worried?"
"… yes."
They sat in silence; Van took her hand in his and gently squeezed it. He didn't really have words to comfort or reassure as he too was feeling the same, but he could be there to share that concern. He hoped she understood that.
"When we return to Fanelia we can ask him about it." Van suggested after an extended period of silence. "In order for him to control his abilities and be comfortable with himself, he first needs to understand them."
"… if he can see spirits…" Hitomi began then shook her head. "I do not have that ability. I do not know if I could help…"
"It doesn't matter if it is the same. What matters is that he can talk about it with another person. His mastery will be his own, as was yours."
Hitomi made a face. "… it wasn't exactly a pleasant experience… nor would I say I have mastered it…"
"It is still something you learned on your own, isn't it?"
"Yes."
"… did you have anyone to speak with?"
Hitomi smiled. "My grandmother had abilities similar to mine. Not as accurate or strong, and hers were only when she slept… but… yes. I could speak to her about it."
"It helped, didn't it?" He asked and watched Hitomi's smile grow as she leaned just slightly against his side.
"Yes. It did."
"Then it should be of help to Anil as well."
"I have offered to speak to him though. He's… surprisingly reluctant and completely shuts me out when I bring up the pictures."
That was concerning, but Van was convinced it would need to be a discussion for after they had returned home. He gave Hitomi's hand a squeeze of reassurance.
"… perhaps, that is part of his own journey."
"?" Hitomi's brow pinched and she seemed unconvinced. He wanted to kiss her then, but the location was far too public so he settled for smiling at her and drawing her up to stand.
"Come on. There was more you needed to accomplish today, wasn't there?" His words pulled her from her worries, and she stood with him.
"Right." She let out a sigh and returned his smile, her hand still linked with his. Once again they continued on their way, the nervous tension a low hum on the edge of his perception as more time passed without any incident or confrontation. As far as he knew, there were three other places she wished to go this day, although he did not understand what she meant by her Lawyer, he did to some degree, understand her meaning behind 'Bank' and her 'School'.
If these were as swift as the last two, he felt reassured that they would be back before too much longer, and he was relieved by that notion. Though, walking alone with her, hand in hand, was quite pleasant he had to admit, even with the unfamiliar clothing and lack of his sword.
A.N. Well, I hope this chapter was fun for all of you. I know not a whole lot actually happened, but I hope you still found this informative and helpful for character development and the progression of that. Again, I know I made Hitomi's mother out to be rather horrid, especially since she was so understanding and loving last time I showed her. This was done to point out that people can make mistakes, big ones, and still be decent people at heart. I also wanted to highlight how people can be negatively influenced by societal norms and peer pressure. Thankfully, Hitomi's mother was able to break away from that with only a few harsh words spoken, and has actively tried to make amends for those words for the last six years. So, I hope this comes across without seeming to be too jarring. I know I don't show her much but she is technically a side character in this story and sadly, I can't fit more of her into this story without messing with the pacing and story line, so this was as deep as I could dive with her.
1) I am painting this school in a very bad light, I know. I have nothing to base this on other then the fact that kids are cruel. High schoolers are even worse, and I can see things spiraling out of control especially in a school where competition is high and the entire student body is under mass amounts of pressure to live up to expectations. It might be a stereo-type, but it is one because there is truth to it, in the 90's Japanese students were put under severe expectation and pressure to attain good grades and follow the rules. That will need to be released somehow and I am saying it was done with this incident and these three took the fall.
2) To those who do not catch this reference, Umibozu is the name of a rapper in the manga/anime Lovley Complex. The manga was first released in 2001 so it lines up with this story, and the Rapper Umibozu would be gaining a larger fanbase by the time 2003 takes place so it works. I enjoy the story and just thought it would be fun to say that Hitomi's brother was into this performer, for no other reason than I can.
3) I had to. I am sorry.
4) I know that Hitomi's grandmother is supposed to be from her maternal side, but the name given her is Yuri Kanzaki. Which means that Kanzaki is her mother's maiden name and it just gets really confusing from there. So, due to this discrepancy and the fact that I believe I already made her Hitomi's grandmother on her father's side, I am sticking with it here despite that not being accurately cannon. Sorry.
5) No idea if this is actually how that would go over especially seeing as the missing person was a six-year-old child, but I didn't actually want to write up a detailed police scene as it is actually very minor to this story, and felt all of you would care less to read it. So, yeah, She said her kid showed up, he got lost but he's in good health. The police checked her id and had her sign official documentation and that is it.
6) Sato is the most common last name in Japan. I just needed a name for this character so was going to use that when I realized I had used the same name for a previous teacher of Anil's, one that was both nicer and male. So I almost changed it but decided to instead place a note here explaining that Sato-sensei from earlier chapters is a COMPLETELY different Sato-sensei than then one in this chapter. It works because Sato is the most common last name in Japan.
7) Oban is celebrated in either July or August depending on the location (this is due to the differentiation between solar and lunar calendars) but according to my source, it is most commonly celebrated between August 13-16. It is a Buddhist holiday and one of Japan's three major holiday seasons (alongside New Year and Golden Week). It is a time to remember one's ancestors and it is believed the spirits of one's ancestors visit during Oban. I have provided the link to my source here: ( #:~:text=Obon%20is%20observed%20around%20the,also%20observed%20in%20mid%20July.) Of course knowing Fanfiction dot net it might not even show up… but if you are curious ask me and I can provide the link via email.