Welcome back to another chapter of RWBY Across the Multiverse. Wow. So many favs and follows from the intro alone. As some of you may have guessed, the Remnants first universe is the Hellsing universe. Or more specifically, the abridged version. Now, let's get to it.
As usual, I own nothing.
With XenoBlazes "request" heard, the people of Remnant had taken their seats. Team RWBY, took the first row seats with Penny sitting on Ruby's right side. Blaze sat on the other side with Torchwick and Neo joining him. Jaune, Pyrrha and Oscar (Ozpin relinquished control) sat at the row above with Cinder and Salem sitting above them.
"Well, shall we get started now?" Blaze asks.
"Hey Blaze?" Yang asks. "If we're stuck here watching other universe's, any chance we can get some food in here?"
"I'm glad you asked." Blaze says. "I've tuned this space to respond to your thoughts. Just think of what food you want and it'll appear."
Yang raises an eyebrow before looking to her right hand. She then concentrates and after a few seconds, a bag of popcorn appears.
"Whoa." Yang says. She then eats a piece of popcorn and after a few chews, her eyes widen. "Hey, extra butter! Just how I like it."
Spurred on by Yang's words, the heroes of Remnant thought up some food too. Ruby and Penny had cookies and the former android relished in her first taste of the confectionery. The others had various candies. Seeing the heroes snacks made Torchwick and Neo shrug before getting their own. Torchwick had some Red Hots while Neo had some Sour Patch Kids. Blaze had some Gummy Bears.
"So, which universe are we watching first?" Ruby asks.
"I figured we start with a good one." Blaze says. "Granted, it's a little...bloody."
Yang blinks before looking towards her sister. "You gonna be okay Ruby?"
Ruby rolls her eyes. "Yang, I'm seventeen. I think I can handle it."
"Alright." Blaze says. "Turn off all Scrolls and other electronics. Let's begin."
"This is a story, of a world of adventure!" A Narrator says. "A sea, full of excitement and a man, full of dreams and a passion that seeks to drive him to the top!"
"This doesn't look so bad." Ruby says.
"My name is Monkey D. Luffy, and I'm gonna be king of the-"
The screen becomes staticy for a moment before changing into what looks like a murder scene.
"Oh My Gods!" Ruby screams.
The other heroes share Ruby's thoughts. However...
"Meh." Salem says.
"Okay. Now I'm interested." Cinder says as a box of Hot Tamales appears in her hand.
"Oh, yes! I love you, Edward."
"And I love you, Bella." There was then a knock on the door. "Hold on. Who is it?"
"Oh, you know..." A familiar voice says on the other side of the door. Suddenly, the door is torn apart by a hail of bullets. Edward screams as he is pumped full of holes before falling over, dead. The person shooting was a man with black hair, wearing a red overcoat, a wide-rimmed hat and tinted glasses covering his red eyes. "A real fucking vampire."
"Uncle Qrow?!" Ruby and Yang exclaim.
"Actually, in this universe, he goes by the name Alucard." Blaze says.
[Cue title sequence]
"Hey, Police Girl. Do you have the target?" Alucard asks.
"Okay, Master, my name is Velvet. And yes, I have the target in sight."
"Whoa. that Velvet?" Yang asks. "...Her breast are as big as mine."
"I think they're bigger actually." Blake says with a small blush.
Yang looks intensely at Hellsing Velvet's chest before slumping in defeat. "Shit, she's right."
"Well, better take the shot, you're letting her get away."
"If you just give me a second to concentrate, I could-"
"She's getting away. She's running!"
Velvet's eyes turn red. "I get it! I'm loading up the-"
"Going to miss it. Going to miss it!"
"Just let her shoot already!" Jaune says.
"Just be quiet and let me-!"
"Hey, Police Girl! Hey! Hey, Police Girl!"
Police Girl shoots Bella. "THERE! I TOOK THE FUCKING SHOT! SHE'S DEAD, THERE'S BLOOD EVERYWHERE!"
Alucard grins. "Oh, you are just a treat."
Weiss glances at Ruby. "Your uncle is really..."
"Dickish?" Yang asks.
"Yeah, that." Weiss says.
"I wonder how he turned Velvet into a vampire." Ruby says.
[One Week Earlier]
"Now I know what you're thinking: "How did all this come about?" Alucard narrates. "Well, it all started in a midnight stroll through the woods. The air was clear, the moon was fiull, I was dying to sink my teeth into something. Get it? Because I'm a vampire... mwahahaha- it's funny."
"Uh...kinda?" Ruby asks.
"So, you came. Too bad you're far too late." A vampire Priest says.
"What?"
"Everyone else is already dead." The Priest holds Velvet. "Except for this little tart. But trust me, I still plan to kill her."
"Mmm-hm."
"He doesn't seem very concerned for Ms. Velvet's safety." Penny says.
"But first... I'm going to rape her."
"NO!" The heroes scream.
"Neat."
"Save her you asshole!" Yang exclaims. She then blinks in realization. "Holy crap, I just called my uncle an asshole."
"But before I can do any of that... I'm going to kill you!"
"Oh? See, that would be intimidating if you were, well, intimidating."
The Priest growls "Are you mocking me?!"
"Oh no, no, no no no no. Pffft, yeah." Alucard shoots Velvet through her lung to get to the priest while the fraction "shot through the heart" from "You Give Love a Bad Name" plays.
"Holy shit!" Yang exclaims.
"Velvet!" Ruby exclaims in worry.
"Well, that's one way to handle a hostage situation." Roman says.
Neo nods.
"Well, that should about wrap things up here."
Police Girl dying with a hole in her chest.
"Oh, yeah, forgot about you. Sorry about that whole "shooting you" thing, but I know if you look deep into your heart - which is currently all over that tree - you'll find a way to forgive me."
Police Girl still choking to death.
"Oh, jeez, you look like a rabbit. A brown, eviscerated rabbit!"
Velvet begins to tear up as she CONTINUES chocking to death.
"Just save her already!" Pyrrha exclaims.
"Christ, fine, I'll help you! But only because you've got nice tits."
"That's his reason?!" Weiss says incredulously.
Scene change to Winter on the phone.
"Winter's here?" Weiss asks.
"She's Alucard's handler/master." Blaze says.
"Seems fitting." Ozpin says.
"Why?" Oscar thinks.
"As you've seen, Qrow and Winter have a...unique relationship." Ozpin says.
"So that's your field report?"
"Yup."
"You went on a walk through the forest at midnight..."
"Yup."
"You killed a homicidal vampire priest..."
"And then you turned someone into a vampire... who happened to be a-"
"-big-titted police girl." Alucard says along with Winter. "Yes! It's like I didn't just get through explaining this! Now, if you don't mind... I've got things to do."
"What "things"? You don't do "things"."
"Yes I do. I take enthusiastic walks through the woods."
"And kill homicidal vampire priests."
"...Very enthusiastic walks."
Ozpin sighs to himself. "I can relate to Ms. Schnee in that regard."
[One Week Later]
"So that's your field report?"
"Yup."
"This seems familiar." Yang says sarcastically.
"So you broke into the house..."
"Yup."
"And you shot him thirty-six times..."
"Thirty-seven."
"Talk about overkill." Ruby says.
"And took out his partner."
"To be fair, that was the police girl. With the big titties."
"Perv." Weiss mutters.
"...You need to stop going on walks."
"And you need to hurry up and hook up some goddamn DSL in here."
"Ugh... listen. You have an assignment in Ireland."
"Ooh, I've never hunted down a leprechaun before. Do you think if I shoot it with my gun, Lucky Charms will explode everywhere?"
"No!" Ruby and Jaune exclaim.
"Sweet Christ...! Just get to Ireland, kill the vampire who's taken over the hospital, and bring the police girl with you."
"Oh, come on, I have to bring her everywhere."
"Ah ah ah, none of the sass!"
"Yes, Mooom~"
"Oh my." Blake mutters with a blush.
Scene change to Countryside: Italy.
"So what can I do for ya, Father O'mally'O'Connel'O'Carrol'O'Reilly'O'Brian'O'Sullivan... Ah-who is also Italian."
"It's Tyrian!" Ruby says.
"He seems...less insane than the one we know." Jaune says hesitantly.
"Wait for it." Blaze thinks with a smirk.
"Tell-a me, Callows: What is your favorite thing to do?" The Father of many names asks.
"Spreading the word and love of Jesus Christ at the many people of the world. Teaching peace and love for all."
"Aw." Ruby coos.
"And-a killing-a vampires?"
A familiar manic grin forms on Tyrian's face. "Ah, just try ta fuckin' stop me."
"Aw." Ruby says depressingly.
"Never mind." Jaune says. "Still a psycho."
"I actually met a nice version of Tyrian once." Blaze says. "...Though he did write some disturbing poetry."
"What kind?" Blake asks.
Blaze gives Blake a look. "Trust me, you don't wanna know."
"And what about... Protestants?"
"Second verse, same as the first. Now put me on a plane so I can put'em in a hearse!"
Scene to Alucard and Velvet in Ireland.
"Hey, Police Girl! Police Girl!" Alucard says as Velvet waits outside, bored out of her mind. "This is awesome! You should totally join in. Seriously, there's like, forty zombies in here. Just one shot to the head and they explode!" A gunshot goes off. "Just like House of the Dead, only like, a hundred times more awesome!"
Velvet burst through the door. "Ugh, fine! I'll shoot some of the rotten bastards. Can't be that much fun." Velvet headshots a zombie. Her eyes then turn red. "Oh fuck the hell, yes."
"The bloodlust is strong in this one!" Yang says.
"Well, she is a vampire." Weiss says.
Velvet loads a fresh mag into her riffle. She then starts firing left and right at the zombies. When she runs out of bullets, Velvet drops her gun and uses her bare hands to eliminate the ones remaining. All with a twisted grin on her face.
"I don't think I like Velvet like this." Ruby whimpers. "I mean she's awesome, but at the same time-"
"Brutal?" Blake asks.
"Yeah, that." Ruby says.
"You think this is brutal?" Blaze asks. "Try playing Mortal Combat. Now that's brutal."
"How brutal?" Yang asks.
"There's a mechanic called Fatalities." Blaze says. "Which ranges from decapitation to falling into a pit of spikes. And those are just the tame ones."
"...Any chance of you having a copy lying around?" Yang asks with Cinder secretly wanting to know the same thing.
"The room Neo and I came from was a rec room." Blaze says. "Mortals do make the most amusing games."
"Sweet Black fucking Sabbath. If I wasn't holding off on that beast of a woman Integra, I'd fuck the red out of those eyes."
Velvet appears to be struggling at the sight of the blood on her hands.
"Uh, what's wrong with Velvet?" Jaune asks.
Salem narrows her eyes. "She's fighting her vampiric instincts. She's struggling to keep whatever humanity she has left."
"You can relate, huh?" Blaze asks.
Salem says nothing, but glares at the young god before turning back to the projector.
Velvet gets stabbed by a dozen bayonets.
"Well, kinda like that; only with less symbolism and more "my penis in your vagina." Alucard sniffs the air. "Huh? Suddenly it reeks of hypocrisy in here."
Tyrian walks in from behind a corner.
"Oh, if it isn't the Catholic Church. And what's this? No little Timmy glued to your crotch. Progress!"
"What does he mean by that?" Ruby asks innocently with a head tilt.
"Don't ask!" The heroes and Blaze say quickly.
Ruby pouts.
"Ah, look at what we have here... a bloody heathen!"
"Excuse me, but I'm a fuckmothering vampire! I killed a lot of people to get this title! I deserve to be called such."
"Gotta respect the rank. ...I guess." Yang says unsurely.
"Well then, mind if I ask you your name?"
"Only if you give yours first, papist."
"Fine, I'll give you the courtesy. The name's-!"
Scene change quickly changes to Winter and Ozpin.
"Tyrian Callows." Ozpin says.
Winter pauses in surprise. "Oh, fuck all kinds of duck...!"
"So, Ozpin's a butler in this universe?" Weiss asks.
"...You know, I can kinda see it." Oscar says.
Scene changes back to Tyrian and Alucard.
"You have been chosen to reveal my existence to the world!" Tyrian draws his bayonets. "You will witness what happens here today, and you will tell of it later." Tyrian smacks his blades together. "Except you won't... 'cuz I'll have killed ya! Hahahahahahahahahahahaha...!"
"Kinda defeats the purpose there." Jaune says.
"Oh my! Brilliant speech. And unoriginal. That's totally from Boondock Saints."
"What? No it isn't. I came up with it a week ago!"
"Whatever. We're here for the vampire."
"The only one left here is your sorry pale arse."
Police Girl is still choking.
"Hello! Velvet's still there, you know." Blake says.
"Yeah, yeah, gimme a minute." Alucard turns back to Tyrian. "So what do you want anyway? The nearest elementary school is at least 10 kilometers away."
"...Uh-" Ruby says.
"DON'T ASK!" Everyone screams.
"It is your corrupt acclaim! It is your evil that will be sought by me with every breath!"
"Boondock... Saints! Seriously, you must watch that movie religiously!" Alucard chuckles. "Get it?"
"Yeah, but it wasn't funny." Yang says with a groan.
"Okay, you know what? Fuck it. Knife."
"Knife?" Alucard suddenly gets stabbed. "Huuaah...!"
"Master!" Velvet exclaims in worry.
Alucard quickly recovers and draws his gun. "Boom." Alucard shoots Tyrian in the head. "Headshot. Well, now that that's over, how about we go back to my place for a bowl of my favorite cereal, "Count Choc-"
Tyrian suddenly beheads Alucard as he shouts "Decapitation!"
"Master!"
"Okay, how the hell did he do that?!" Yang asks.
"Tyrian's been enhanced." Blaze says. "The order he works for made it so he can survive nearly life threatening injuries and heal from them."
"So the church is making vampires?" Weiss asks.
"Not exactly." Blaze says. "But they figure "Send a monster to kill monsters."
"...I don't know how to feel about that." Blake says with an unsure expression.
The hole in Tyrian's head rapidly heals. "Well, now that that's over, how about we go back to my place for a bowl of my favorite cereal, "Frankenber-" Tyrian realizes that the Police Girl and Alucard's head have disappeared. "Oh son of a Protestant whore! Well, you know what time it is."
The word RAPE appears as Tyrian wields blades.
"GROSS!" Everyone exclaims. Even the villains. Hey, they're evil. Not monsters. ...Well, some more than others.
Scene changes to Police Girl carrying Alucard's head.
"See? This kind of shit is why I stopped going to church."
"Police Girl... Poliiice Girl... You are reading your master's mind. Put my head between your boooobs."
"Now's not the time to try an cop a feel, Qrow!" Yang says.
"Is he trying to speak telepathically?" Pyrrha asks.
"It appears Alucard has many abilities" Penny says.
Velvet, unaware of her master's thoughts, does as asked. "Now I'm all alone... the only one I had left was you."
"Oh come on!" Jaune exclaims.
"Very good! Now the next thing I want you to do is put me between your legs!" Alucard's head is suddenly stabbed by flying blade. "Goddammit!"
"...Is it wrong that I was hoping something like that would happen?" Jaune asks.
"Jaune!" Ruby says with a gasp. "He's still our uncle!"
"Who's also dead." Cinder says with a smirk.
Yang's eyes turn red. "What was that?!"
"Yang, she's just trying to antagonize you." Blaze says. "Remember, any forms of violence will be met with a barrier to the face. And that's what she's counting on."
Cinder growls as her fun is spoiled. Salem glances at her pawn and shakes her head in disappointment.
"It's a shame for you lost your head
A careless vampire who wound up dead
You wore your sin like it was some kind of prize
Too many lies... Too many lies..."
"Was that terrifying to anyone else, or was it just me?" Ruby asks as she shivers in fear.
"Ditto." Jaune and Oscar say copying Ruby's actions.
"What do I do? What do I do!? I... I could try seducing him. Wait no, I'm not an eight year-old boy! SHIT!"
"Say your prayers, wee lass!"
"No! Velvet!" Ruby exclaims.
Tyrian's blades are suddenly destroyed by gunfire. The shooter is revealed to be Winter. Along with her are two men in suits.
"That girl belongs to me."
Weiss sighs in relief. "Thank you, Winter."
"Well, aren't you the naughty one!"
"Don't make me shoot you in the fucking head!"
"A lot of good that did earlier." Yang says.
"What the hell do, you want you crazy Protestant bastard?"
"I'm a woman."
"Call yourself whatever you want, you crazy Protestant bastard."
"That's my sister you crazy Protestant bastard!" Weiss exclaims shaking her fist at the screen. She then looks around to see everyone staring at her in shock and disbelief. Weiss calms down and clears her throat. "Sorry."
"You do know this is a grave violation of our agreement."
"And what part would that be?"
"The part where you're here... killing my men!"
Tyrian kills Winter's guards before locking blades with her.
"I have no idea what you're on about! I'm just here doin' my job! Killin' vampires, an' werewolves, an' leprechauns. I never actually found one, but do ya think if I cut one open with ma knife, it would spill out Lucky Charms?!"
"Brothers, dude!" Ruby and Jaune exclaim incredulously.
"Just shut up! Where the hell is Alucard?!"
"Oh, him? I killed him!"
"Killed him?"
"Cut off his bloody head!"
Winter smirks. "Oh! Well, that's step one. What about two through ten?"
"Wait, what?" Everyone, baring Blaze and Salem asks.
"Ah, Christ!"
Tyrian looks behind him to see Alucard reform from a cloud of bats and shadows with a broad smile on his face.
"You done goofed."
"He's alive?!" Everyone besides Salem exclaims in shock.
"Meh." Salem says with a shrug. She's had experience in the matter.
"How the blood-soaked Protestant hell did you do that?"
"Yeah, how?" Everyone asks.
"Fuck you, that's how."
"...Damn it, good line." Cinder says. "I might use that."
"You know what? I've had enough of this. To hell with all you dirty heathens!" Tyrian opens a bible and dissappears in a flurry of pages.
"Eat me! Don't forget to write!"
Velvet slumps to the ground. "Oh... oh my God... We survived!"
Alucard looks at Winter expectantly. "Sooo..."
"What?"
"Do I get to go after him?"
"No."
Yang scoffs. "Killjoy."
"Aww, come on!"
"No and that's final! We've got bigger things to worry about. Whoever's behind these vampire attacks, it has to be some kind of large organized group."
"Like the White Fang?"
"Wait, what?" Blake says.
"That would be retarded."
"Ten lien says it's them." Roman says.
"Your on." Jaune says.
[Meanwhile...]
Scene change to unknown hideout.
"Gentlemen... ve... are Vhite Fang..."
"Sieg Heil! Sieg Heil!"
"Called it!" Roman says. "Pay up kid."
Jaune grumbles as he passes Roman ten lien. More importantly...
"Is that Adam!?" Blake exclaims.
Yang struggles to hold in her giggles before she full born laughs. "Hahaha! W-why is he so-so fat?!"
"Und we... will have war~"
"Sieg Heil! Sieg Heil!"
"Und ve... U-UND VE...!" Adam sneezes.
"Gesundheit! Gesundheit!"
"Now that she's said it, it is retarded." Blake says as she slumps in despair. An alcoholic drink then appears in Blake's hand. The faunus waste no time and chugs down the drink.
And done! Episode 1 of the Hellsingverse.
See you next time. Until then, ja nee!