Hello and welcome to another chapter of RWBY Across the Multiverse. Let's keep the insanity going, shall we? Roman, you're on.
Roman: The following is a fan-based parody, puta. Hellsing Ultimate is owned by Kouta Hirano and Studio Madhouse, and licensed by Geneon, Madman Entertainment, Manga Entertainment, and Funimation. RWBY is owned by Rooster Teeth Productions. Vá lamber o cu da sua mãe. It means, "Go suck your mother's cu-"
"STOP IT!" The female Remnantians exclaims.
Roman rolls his eyes. "Everyone's a critic."
"Let's just move this along, okay?" Weiss asks. "Hopefully this showing won't be as asinine as the last."
"Prepare to be surprised." Blaze thinks.
Scene: Winter on the phone.
"Say it!" Alucard says over the phone.
"I knew it." Weiss says tiredly.
"Fuck you."
"After you say it."
"Oh my!" Yang and Blake exclaim.
"Keep it in your pants, ladies." Blaze says.
"You're really going to force me on this?"
"I'm at half mast! I need to hear this!"
"Fine! You were right!"
"She admits it!" Yang exclaims.
"Hnnn-nn-nn-nn-nng-nng-ngr-ngr-ngr...!"
Everyone looks at Alucard disturbingly.
"Jump up your own ass and DIE!" Winter slams the phone down and ends the call.
"Ahhhhh! Houston... we have nooo problems."
Tyrain breaks into the Hellsing Mansion, audibly shocking Velvet and Coco.
"Psycho's back!" Jaune exclaims.
"OK, dude, I just- I just finished, I'm gonna need like, five minutes over here to recharge-"
"OH MY!" Yang and Blake exclaim.
"Do I have to separate you two?!" Blaze asks.
Tyrian socks Alucard in the face. Causing the vampire to give a manic grin as he pulls out his guns.
"Never mind, we're back in business!"
"I've got him!" Velvet exclaims as she attempts to strike Tyrain, who counters with a bayonet that almost hits her. "OH!" Velvet then trembles in fear.
"Phew. Close one." Ruby says.
"Ah great, and now she's triggered. Could be all day with it..."
Velvet turns catatonic.
"The good Lord has handed down a blessing to ya filthy heathens as a sign of good will... A small private Vatican jet. Now, if you would be so very Christian-like to ship your sorry pale ass out!" Velvet remains catatonic. "And take your trigger-happy harlot with ya! And the Frenchmen!"
Coco, who was taking a finishing her soft drink, turns to Tyrian and gives a WTF look. "...Donc quoi?"
"Is he gender blind or something?" Blake asks with a raised eyebrow.
"Man, I don't know what I find funnier: The Catholic Church strong-arming you into helping us, or the fact that you obviously haven't seen what I did to the statue of Big J~!"
"Big J?" Ruby asks.
Beat; view changes to Christ the Redeemer adorned with a rainbow-colored flag labelled "420YOLOSWAG4JESUS"
"AAAAAAAAAARGH...!" Tyrian yells.
Blaze facepalms. "Ahh. Big J's not gonna be happy about this."
[Cue title sequence]
Ruby and Yang sang along with the title sequence.
"That song is catchy." Ruby says.
"I know, right?" Yang asks.
Scene change to a meeting in London.
"Di banner won't-a come-a down. I think it's a constrictor knot."
"What- What do you mean, you "forgot the song"?" Alucard says from behind the door. "Okay, screw- screw it, no screw it! Screw it! Just, t-take my phone and hit "Random". No, just hit "Random". Okay. Three, two..."
Alucard, Velvet and Coco enter the room to the sound of Alucard's ringtone.
"No, okay, turn it off, turn it off!" Music cut-off as Alucard removes his glasses. "It didn't work. It did not work."
"Following your example?" Winter says cheekily.
"Someone's a little salty." Roman says.
"Ooh, catty! Oh shit, is that Glyndy?!
The former student and headmaster pause at Alucard's question.
"Professor Goodwitch..." Weiss says.
"Is the queen?" Pyrrha finishes.
"I believe the term is; "That fits." Penny says.
Two bodyguards prevent Alucard from getting closer to the queen.
"Excuse me sir, you're going to have to-"
Alucard tosses the guards aside. "Get out of my way!"
"Well, well, well. If it isn't Allie." Alucard kneels before the queen. The queen then gently holds Alucard's face. "Your skin is still as smooth as the day I felt it on my own..."
"You know it. Reminds me of when I'd keep your bed warm during the Blitz."
"Those were better days. I was younger, beautiful..."
"Oh shut up, you old hag! I'd still wreck you like Diana!"
"Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Oh, you know exactly what to say to moisten me up..."
"Gah, I can never have sex again!" Ironwood exclaims.
Everyone stares dumbly at the screen.
"...Everyone, neither Glynda nor Qrow are to know of what has just transpired." Ozpin says after a pause.
"Agreed." The former students say with a nod.
"Alucard... if you please." Winter says.
Alucard stands up. "You're right. Enough focusing on the past..." Alucard turns to the other members present. "Instead, let's focus on the past! Back in World War II, Ozpin and I were part of a top-secret government operation called "Operation De-Fang". Ozpin was fifteen and I'm pretty sure if I'm remembering correctly, I was a girl..."
"...But wouldn't that mean-" Penny says.
"WE GET IT, PENNY!" Everyone interrupts.
"Wait a second; then that implies that the Queen-"
"INTERRUPT MY STORY AGAIN, REGGIE! SEE WHAT HAPPENS! *Beat* But yeah, we were under orders to stick it sideways to a group of Nazi scientist whackjobs interested in creating a vampire army. And did we!"
"Seems you missed a spot." Winter says cheekily.
"More salt, please!" Roman says with Neo silently giggling.
"Are you g- Are you gonna do this right now? In front of everybody?"
"The point is, enough members have survived and are planning on finishing their mission. They've established a base in Brazil, and are using the name-"
"White Fang."
Blake's eyes widen comedically as she shakes her head in denial. "No... No...!"
"Is that...a male version of Blake?" Weiss asks incredulously.
Ruby tilts her head. "Is he a he? I mean, he kinda seems like Blaze. ...No offense."
"None taken." Blaze says. "And I can clarify that this version of Blake is indeed a male. The term you're looking for is androgynous. Meaning someone who has the appearance of both genders."
Yang unconsciously licks her lips.
Winter and Mercury gasps as Emerald and Coco train their guns on Blake.
"So, Emerald's with the church too." Jaune says.
Cinder frowns at seeing her former associate. Salem glances at her pawn before turning back to the screen.
"Warten Sie! How do you say... "do not shoot ze messenger."
"Ah... the return of the Y-boner... with a vengeance!"
"Why? WHY?!" Blake exclaims as she grabs the sides of her head.
"How did he get in here?" Winter asks.
"We had over a dozen guards." Ozpin says.
Alucard blinks. "Those were ours? I mean oh my God, how did he get through the guuuardss-ss-ks?!"
"Dummkopf!" Weiss exclaims in German. A look of horror then appears on her face. "No! I thought I got rid of that horrid verbal tick!"
"I didn't know you were German, Weiss." Ruby says.
Weiss looks tiredly at her partner. "Mein last name is Schnee, du entzückender roter Dummkopf!" (You adorable red dunce!) Gah! Stop it!"
Blake places a TV on the table. "My commanding officer, Ze Major, vould like to personally introduce himself... along with our vonderful organization." Blake tries to acquire the video feed, but to no avail. "...Vhat?" Blake tries again.
"Oh my gods, just kill me now!" Blake says in despair.
"Sorry, Blake." Blaze says. "Not your time."
"Blake?" Adam asks from the audio of the TV.
"It's not vorking, Major!"
"Did you click "TV" zen "Power?"
"Oh vait, I'm on Video 2."
"Nein! Video 1!"
Blake finally acquires the video feed. "Got it!"
"Hellooo~!"
"He-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Aha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! He's still so fucking fat!" Alucard continues laughing. "He's like a Nazi Louis C.K., ha-ha-ha-ha! Wait, wait! No, no; Jim Gaffigan! Jim Gaffigan...!"
"See? Vampcle Qrow agrees with me." Yang says.
"Don't. ...Just don't." Blaze deadpans.
"Ah, if it isn't ze memorable Alucard... his provider, Sir Winter... ze Bean Counters... und of course - very interesting to see, by ze vay - ze Vatican. How does it feel to vork vith your svorn enemies, Father Black?"
"Not as painful as your obnoxious voice."
"Ah, come on! Ve used to be friends with ze Vatican! Remember how you aided us in our escape from Germany?"
"Gur-hrk!"
The entire audience gasps along with those on the screen.
"Of course." Cinder deadpans.
"Uh-oh, I guess they veren't supposed to know zat~!"
"So that's how you knew about them."
Mercury grunts before giving a resigned sigh. "...Yes."
"I'm sure you're chomping at ze bit to find out vhat ve have in store for you, nein?"
"White Fang army." Winter says.
"...Vow, just... kill all ze fun! Put ze fun in camps, vhy don't you?"
"Yeah, you Fun-Nazi." Alucard says.
"Get to the fucking point!"
"Please!" Weiss says.
"Vell, mind me if it seems a little too American for you, but... at some time, some place, somezing vill attack you. Maybe. Probably. Could be happening right noooow~!"
Alucard crosses his fingers. "Fingers crossed!"
As the Major continues his speech, Blake's cat ears twitch as he looks at Velvet.
"But rest assured, zis is no simple incursion... We have prepared studiously, und soon, ze fruits of our endless dedication will run wild. Und ze blood of Britain shall flow out ze English Channel!"
- Simultaneously with Adam speaking in the background -
Velvet notices Blake's stare and stares back with a frown.
"Fräulein... Fräulein... Fräulein...! HEY, FRÄULEIN!"
"Oi!"
*Beat*
"...Ve would make beautiful children."
- Background speech ends -
"FOR BROTHERS SAKE, KILL HIM ALREADY!" Blake exclaims.
Velvet blushes. Alucard then shoots Blake in the face.
"Brothers!" The heroes, minus Blake exclaim.
"THANK YOU!" Blake exclaims.
Everyone looks at Blake dumbfounded.
"Was that boy/girl bugging you?"
"Und like zhat, ze var begins!"
"Whoops! Did I just accidentally a war?"
"Yep." Yang says while popping the P at the end.
"Police Girl..."
Police Girl shoots the TV to pieces.
"...Huh. They would've looked rather nice, actually."
"I wonder how cross breeding with those of different species works." Penny says with a finger to her chin.
"TMI Pen!" Yang exclaims.
"Alright now; Alucard, clean that u-" Winter notices all traces of Blake have disappeared. "...o- ...OH."
"Where did he go?" Weiss asks.
"Maybe he's like Tyrain." Ruby says.
"God's, I hope not." Blake mutters.
"You really hate this version of you, huh?" Yang asks with an eyebrow.
Blake gets in Yang's face with a manic look on her face. "I refuse to say that is me!"
Suddenly, a sushi plate appears in Blake's lap with a snap.
"Gezz, calm down before you give yourself a heart attack." Blaze says.
Blake pouts while eating her sushi.
"Oh wow! Looks like he was self-cleaning! And/or magical."
"Winter? Alucard?" The Queen asks.
"Yes, sugarlips?"
The Queen grins. "When you find him and when you kill him... I want you to record it, so I can fall asleep to it every night."
Ozpin's eye twitches as he looks dumbfounded at his former deputy's counterpart.
"Our's isn't like this, right?" Oscar asks hesitantly.
"For as long as I've known her...no." Ozpin thinks. "...But I've been wrong before."
"Jesus fucking CHRIST, I'VE MISSED YOU!"
"HEY!" Mercury shouts offendedly.
"Oh shut up."
Scene change to White Fang HQ.
"Ah, Major, I think that vent vell." Merlot says.
"You "zhink" it vent vell? Herr Doktor, I was there. Und much like our former boss..." *Flashback to the Colonel being mauled by her subordinates* "...I killed it!"
"Who...was that?" Jaune asks.
"Sienna Khan." Penny says. "The former leader of the White Fang before Adam Taurus took over."
"...Adam killed her." Blake says sadly. "It was in Ilia's Scroll."
"Don't worry about her Blake, she'll be okay." Blaze says.
Blake looks at Blaze. "How do you... Wait, you're a god. Never mind."
"Right." Blaze says. "I met Sienna when she passed on. Unfortunately, Adam killing her was fated. But after she does her time, she'll have a shot at reincarnation."
"I thought I was the only one with that curse." Ozpin says.
"What you call a curse, others see it as a second chance." Blaze says. He then looks at Pyrrha and Jaune. "I believe you have a better understanding of this. After all, who do you think that women you met in Argus was?"
Jaune raises and eyebrow at Blaze. After a moment, realization begins to settle in as he looks at his girlfriend. "That was you?!"
"I'm sorry, Jaune." Pyrrha says with a frown. "I wanted to tell you, but Blaze asked me keep it a secret. But he did promise me that we would meet again."
"I sent Pyrrha back to give you some closure." Blaze says. "Had I not, you would've been on a self-destructive path. You wouldn't have been the warrior you are today."
Jaune takes a moment to process this new information. He then smiles at Pyrrha before directing that smile to Blaze. "Guess it's nice to know someone was looking out for me."
Blaze smiles at the blond swordsmen before turning back to the screen. Unknown to everyone else, the two immortals were thinking about their own situations. And what could've been.
"Let us hope ze Major does not end up ze same! We do not have ze freezer space to store all ze incidental leftovers!"
"No!" Blake exclaims. "He's still alive?! How!?"
"Ah, Doktor, usually it is a faux pas to give a pet as a gift... but I love him!"
"PET?!" Blake rages before a piece of salmon is forced into her mouth. The Faunus looks to her right to see Blaze giving her a withering glare.
Merlot picks up Blake by the scruff of his shirt. "Major, I am so sorry for his disrespectful disposition!"
Blake chuckles.
"Ah, don't vorry. I much enjoy some playful cattiness in my staff."
"Nya!" Blake says as he relaxes on the side of the Majors chair.
"Cute~!" Yang says. She then looks at her partner, who was glaring at her. The blonde holds her hands up in a placating manner. "Well, he is!"
Adam sits in his chair. "Nonezheless, it is time for phase two of our operation: Our fräulein's excursion to ze English Channel!"
Scene change to a ship at sea.
"Sir! There's an inbound helicopter trying to land!"
"That seems odd. Commander Violet, do you know-?" Violet emits an inhuman growl. "...OH GOD, THAT'S WHY YOU'RE PURPLE!
Violet kills the officer.
"And more for the Death Counter." Roman says.
Scene change to a familiar person landing on the ship.
"Zhis is mein favorite kind of ship: Running wis blood und seamen."
Blake rises out of her chair in shock. "Ilia?!"
"...So, no one's gonna comment on what Vamp-Ilia just said?" Yang asks.
*Beat*
"What?"
"Ze game!"
"What game?"
Ilia turns around with a smile. "You lose! LOL, I'm so random!"
Blake slumps back into her seat in horror. "...It's like Ilia and Nora fused together...!"
The heroes take a minute to process Blake's statement before paling considerably.
*Beat*
"Uh... so... The ship is now under your command, Miss Ilia Amitola."
"Ah~, danke schön~, Captain! Tell me, how did it feel slaughtering your kinsmen, turning zhem into ghouls, betraying your family und country... all for ze selfish desire to become an immortal vampire?"
*Beat*
"Heh." Roman chuckles. "Must feel like a cu-"
"Wow, uh, when you put it like that, I feel like kind of a cunt!"
"Oh, but you know vhat might make you feel better, Captain?"
"Uh, what's that-?"
Ilia brandishes a musket and aims it at Violet's face. She then gives a manic grin. "...Checking your privilege."
Ilia shoots Violet.
"Ooh!" The audience says.
"He might've been backstabbed, but he was a-" Roman says.
"WE GET IT!" Everyone exclaims.
"Oh, come on!" Roman huffs as he gestures to the screen. "The vampires can say it, but I can't? Last I checked, all of you are legal!"
Scene change to Alucard & Ozpin.
"Ozpin... if I may confide in you..."
"I temper my sense of decency in expectation."
"I am positively throbbing over these guys returning!"
"Oh my." Yang whispers.
"Well, if it lasts for more than four hours..."
"Ozpin, do you know my top three favorite things I've killed are? Third is the Turks... Second is White Fang... Can you guess the first?"
"Your father?"
Alucard claps. "Nailed it!"
"WHAT?!" The heroes exclaim.
"Trust me, what Alucard's father did to him makes Raven look like a good parent in comparison." Blaze says.
Yang's eyes widen at the thought.
Scene change to Tyrian at the scene of a one-sided slaughter.
"I see! Now it's open season for these heathen swine!"
"Tyrian, while I mirror your fervor to lay steel upon the soulless jowls of the English Church... we have a much bigger foe knocking at our door." Mercury says over Tyrian's phone.
"They knock at the door of Hellsing... and as the wolf huffs and puffs, we shall skewer these pigs ourselves!"
"I do not know the metaphor on which you draw... but regardless, we must set aside the quarrels of our houses, and unite under the banner of God."
"Ah, I see! So, this... is a crusade!"
"Oh. No." Blake says as she pales considerably.
"No, no, no-no-no-no! We don't say that anymore; we're calling it, ah... Damn, what do the American cows say?"
"Peacekeeping?"
"Oh, like that is SO much better!" Blake says sarcastically.
"Right...! Now... shall we, keep the peace?"
Tyrian turns around at the sound of a bunch of White Fang soldiers approaching him.
"FOR THE WHITE FANG!"
The soldiers attempt to gun Tyrain down, who skewers them all with his bayonets.
"Only until it's time to slide in the knife!"
"As if Tyrian couldn't get any scarier." Ruby whimpers.
Cinder and Salem glance at each other before shrugging their shoulders. Knowing that a Tyrian of any universe is crazy.
Scene change to mission control.
"We lost communication with the vessel eighteen hours ago. Currently, it's resting in the Atlantic 300 kilometers off the coast of Pauling." Ironwood says.
"Have you acquired visual via satellite?" Winter asks.
"Yes, and they've left a rather... cryptic message that we've yet to make any sense of."
The satellite picture shows a vessel with "THE CAKE IS A LIE" painted in blood.
"Wha..." Weiss says incredulously. "What's that supposed to mean?"
"...I... I don't get this. I don't get it."
"None of us do." Ruby says.
"None of us know what it means either!"
"Is it a reference or something?"
"Of course, there was one other shot we had, which looks to be someone sitting in the middle with a yellow parasol. Seems a tad random if you ask me."
Scene change to Ilia on the ship.
"Rainbow! Tacos! Doctor Who! Homestuck!"
Back to mission control.
"This person looks like they're begging for attention..."
"I completely agree." Salem says.
"And they're about to get it! The Special Air Service has deployed two platoons via helicopter! They'll have visual any moment now."
*Beat*
"Trap?" Jaune asks.
"Trap." Everyone says.
"Ma'am?"
"Wait for it..."
*Beat*
"We've lost both helis! ...And that was Portal, by the way. That's Portal. That's... what it's from..."
"Called it!" Everyone says.
Ironwood whimpers.
"Well, this has been fun. Always nice playing audience to this menagerie you call a military..." Winter rises from her seat and prepares to leave. "Since it seems like you've got this one on lockdown, I'll leave you to it."
"Whoa, whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa!" Iroonwood exclaims in a panic. Causing Winter and Ozpin to look back at him. "Uh, based on new information that has been presented to us, uh, we have decided we... require the Hellsing Organization and their services."
"You know, it's amazing how much time and people we could save if you'd just ask us in the first place." Winter turns around and walks away. "Ozpin?"
Ozpin chuckles as he and Winter leave the room.
"Good help is so hard to find these days." Cinder says with a sigh.
Neo glares at the False Maiden before turning back to the screen.
"We're talking a hefty game, Sir Winter. Three hundred kilometers into the Atlantic and they seem to be able to annihilate anything we send at them."
"And we can't send a submarine; it could be a depth charge showcase down there."
"Can't go at it from the sides, can't go at it from below...
"So, our only option is to hit that son of a bitch from above."
"Sounds like a solid strategy." Weiss says.
"Well, we do have one option... However, it was decommissioned in 1998."
Alucard appears. "The Lockheed SR-71 Blackbird... An advanced long-range strategic reconnaissance aircraft capable of Mach 3 and an altitude of 85,000 feet!"
"What's a Blackbird?" Ruby asks.
"I believe it is a highly advanced military aircraft." Penny says. "But being capable of reaching Mach 3? The Atlesian military would do anything to acquire the technology."
"You sure do seem to know a lot about it..."
"DO YOU EVEN READ MY CHRISTMAS LIST?!"
"Aww." Ruby says with a frown.
Scene change to Ilia dancing on the ship.
" A full commitment's vhat I'm thinking of
You vouldn't get zhis from any ozher guy
I~ just wanna tell you how I'm feeling "
As if possessed, the audience couldn't help but sing along to Ilia's song.
" Gotta make you understand
Never gonna give you up "
- Simultaneously with Ilia on the intercom singing -
"Ze hell is she singing now?"
"I have no idea; I think it was popular a couple years back."
"At least she is no longer on about ze ponies, and ze friendship and ze wrapping up of the winter!"
Back to Ilia.
" Never gonna let you down
Never gonna run around und desert you
Never gonna make you cry
Never gonna say goodbye
Never gonna tell a lie und hurt you "
Music cuts-off.
Everyone in the audience blinks in confusion.
"What the grimm just happened?" Yang asks.
"I don't know." Blake says. "Ilia started singing and all of a sudden...I lost track of everything."
"...That song is cursed." Weiss says as a matter of fact.
"Kinda catchy though." Ruby says.
Everyone nods in agreement while Salem and Cinder lament on their little slip.
Ilia drops to her knees as her breathing becomes ragged and horrified. "IT'S HIM! LIKE ZE MAJOR SAID!"
"He's here~!" Yang says.
"Uh, mein fräulein Van Winkle, the- the song was nice, so you don't need to-"
"PREPARE FOR COMBAAAT! IT'S ALUCAAAAARD!"
Sure enough, Alucard approaches the ship in the Blackbird Winter...appropriated.
"Focus your fire! We are going to tear zhat aircraft apart!
Alucard gives a satisfied growl. The fuckmothering vampire pilots the Blackbird through enemy fire without taking damage.
"What is this music playing and where can I download it?" Yang asks.
"AC/DC's "Shoot to Thrill" and the download's available on GodTube." Blaze says. "I'll give you the password later."
"Nice!" Yang says.
Ilia gets in a weird position and aims her musket at the Blackbird. "Zey say no man can kill you, Alucard? Zat's because you don't send a man to do a WOMAN'S job!"
"How can she make a shot at that angle?" Ruby asks.
Ilia takes the Blackbird down, which explodes, only for Alucard to immediately reform.
"VHAT?!"
"There's your answer, Ruby." Weiss says.
"Magic bullets." Roman says. "I could use some of those."
Alucard flies straight into the ship, killing all White Fang on-board, baring Ilia and setting the ship on fire; he then stands up in the inferno while a terrified Ilia hides elsewhere. But to no avail as the man in red finds her.
"Now THAT'S an entrance!" Jaune says.
"He definitely fits the harbinger of death look." Salem says with Cinder agreeing.
"So..." Ilia yelps as Alucard continues. "...Nice ship you got here."
"No offense Blake, but your friend is as good as dead." Yang says.
"I know." Blake says solemnly.
Ilia gathers her courage and puts her glasses back on. "I- ...I am Ilia Amitola..." Ilia trains her musket on Alucard. "Und I COMMAND YOUR RESPECT!"
"No. You demand my attention."
"Ooh, I might use that." Cinder says.
Ilia starts firing bullets at Alucard.
"Ow! Oof!"
"I don't have to take zis from you...! You racist, cisgendered, patriarch-propagating, misogynistic PIG!"
Alucard deliberately catches a bullet with his teeth, much to Ilia's shock.
"Whoa..." Ruby says in awe.
"...The funny thing is-" Alucard chomps bullet to dust. "-in any other circumstance, you might have had a point there." Alucard approaches Ilia as the White Fang operative bags back into a wall. "Except my boss is a woman, I was a chick in the 40s, I hate everyone equally, and there's no one alive who could comprehend my sexual preference! So in other words, Miss Ilia Amitola..." Alucard socks Ilia in the jaw. "CH-CH-CH-CHECK YOUR PRIVILEGE!"
"I'm definitely gonna use that." Yang says with a grin. "That was badass."
"Nice callback too." Jaune says.
Ilia gives a painfull grunt as she falls to the ground. Alucard then takes her musket and grips Ilia by the neck, causing her to choke. The man in red then pushes the barrel into Ilia's chest.
"V-v-vait...! Vhat are you-?!"
"Oh? Haven't you heard the new sensation sweeping the nation? Bitches love cannons." Alucard fires a bullet, causing Ilia to emit a blood-curdling scream.
"W-well not like that!" Ruby stutters.
Scene change to White Fang HQ.
"Gentlemen... Operation Bait Van Amitola is a rezounding success! Alucard is now exactly vhere ve need him to be so we can move forward viss our little... surprise." Adam says.
"You sacrificed Ilia...for bait?!" Blake rages.
"However, before ve begin our next phase, I vould like to take some time to address a rumor floating around ze fleet... Some of you have come to believe zat I... like... var. I vish to dash zese rumors! I do not like var...
I. Love. Var!"
"He's gonna start monologuing, isn't he?" Roman asks dryly.
Neo give a deadpanned nod.
"Through my life, I have discovered so many forms of war...
You get up in ze morning, you get into your shitty car und you see a rich CEO, who works half as hard as you do, drive down ze street in his Porsche. Class war!"
Roman winces at Adam's example.
"You make it to vork, und you find out zat ze annual drug test is today und you just so happened to take a puff of your one-hitter a couple nights ago before dinner with your wife's awful parents! Drug war."
Roman begins to look uncomfortable. "This seems like it's hitting a little to close to home."
"But zen... you find out zat ze only ones being called in for testing are your black und Hispanic co-vorkers. Race war!"
Blake frowns at Adam's example.
"Zen you try und post about it on your Facebook, but zen all your friends start arguing about vat's right und vat's wrong! Flame war."
"Oof!" Ruby and Jaune wince.
"You finally get home, und you decide to relax by watching a program about: "Who gets ze box?" "What's in ze box?" "How much is vat's in ze box vorth?" Storage Wars. Hu-hu-hu-hu-hu... hmm...
Vat I am telling you, my White Fang army of one sousand vampires, is that I am a purveyor of war. Und wis your help over ze years, ve are now at the precipice of our true goal. You see, I vant a simple var... No class wars, no drug wars, no race wars, no flame wars, und CERTAINLY - no COLD WARS! Blueballed for forty years...
Vat I vant is a var zat only ve can bring. A true... var! A GERMAN... var! The sequel you've all been vaiting for...!
I! WANT! WORLD! WAR! THREEEE!"
The heroes' gasps in shock and horror. "World War Three?!"
Ozpin and Salem narrow their eyes.
"Just how bad were the first two?" Oscar fearfully asks.
"I've been in plenty of wars before now, Oscar." Ozpin thinks grimly. "And I feel this World War Three will be just as bad. ...If not, worse."
The White Fang soldiers perform the Nazi salute, then repeat "SIEG HEIL!" ten times.
Several protagonists are shown, with Alucard being the last to appear.
"Hu-hu-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he! He-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! AH-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA! AHH-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAA...! *Beat* I better not miss a damn thing."
And done! Chapter 4 of the Hellsingverse. Things are about to go down as we've seen in Hellsing Ultimate Abridged.
See you next time. Until then, ja nee!