Happy New Year everybody! Welcome to another chapter of RWBY Across the Multiverse. Sorry for the long wait. Long story short, I had to get a new laptop and all putting all my stuff on the new laptop took a long time. Now, here to introduce the new chapter is Ilia!
Ilia: Ze following is a fan-based parody. Hellsing Ultimate is owned by Kouta Hirano und Studio Madhouse, und licensed by Geneon, Madman Entertainment, Manga Entertainment, und Funimation. RWBY is owned by Rooster Teeth Productions. Please support ze official release.
The people of London go about their night like always. ...Unaware of the horror that is about to befall them.
"They say ignorance is bliss." Cinder says.
"Oh, come on love, show us your tits!" A man says. He then gets slapped.
"Perv." Weiss says as all the females nod their heads in agreement.
"Well, she declined. Now, let's get pissed."
"Sounds like Uncle Qrow on a Wednesday." Yang says.
"At least he's gotten better." Ruby says.
"Hey Mate. What's the last thing you thought you'd ever see in the night sky?"
"Odd question." Oscar says.
"Oh, that's... that's a deep question, man, I—"
"No, no, cause it's blimps."
Just as the man said, a fleet of blimps appear over London. All of them bearing the White Fang's insignia.
"They're here!" Jaune exclaims.
"Gentlemen! Ve have made it!" Adam says. Causing the Nazi's to cheer. "Alright! Achtung! Achtung!"
"Woo-wooooo!"
"Bane, Bane, bring it down a notch."
"Killjoy." Cinder mutters.
"Woooo."
"Now: Herr Doktor, Captain, First Lieutenant, und our fabulous mascot; please, lead us off!"
"I'M NOT A MASCOT!" Blake exclaims.
"Those last two..." Ruby says. "Was that...Sun and Cardin?"
"Why'd Cardin look like a buffed-up chick?" Yang asks. "I mean, most people like muscles on a girl, but this Cardin took it too far."
"Of course. Everyone, thank-you for coming to the mandatory pre-war seminar." Merlot takes out a book with the Nazi soldiers following his lead. "Please open your World War III pamphlets to page 3, as the first two pages merely contain a foreword from Nicholas Cage."
"Ve have an exciting itinerary of ze evening events. Tonight, ve annihilate LONDON!"
"Uh, Blaze?" Oscar asks. "Just...how many people live in London?"
Blaze's expression becomes grim. "...Almost four million."
Everyone, barring Cinder and Salem, sat in shock and horror.
"All those people..." Ruby says.
Blake clenches her fists to the point that she almost drew blood.
"Uh, ALL of London?"
"ALL of London! Buckingham Palace? Laid to vaste. Big Ben? Toppled to ze GROUND!"
"Ze House of Parliament?"
"Eradicated."
"Ze Tower of London?"
"OBLITERATED."
"Ze Holocaust Museum?"
"Leave zat be. No one vill deny vat ve did."
"Do I even wanna know what that means?" Blake asks.
Blaze gives Blake a look that says "No. No, you do not."
A White Fang grunt giggles as he steps forward. "Vat about London Bridge?"
Blaze slaps his forehead in exasperation. "Really?"
Adam rolls his eyes. "Ja, Ja, "London Bridge is falling down", ve all know ze song. Look, you be ze first to burn it down, you can go ahead and sing it. I don't care. Of course, speaking of music, ze accompaniment tonight has already been selected via survey! Und I hope you are excited as I aaam~!" A White Fang grunt brings Adam a glass of champagne. "Ze song tonight is more appropriate for ironic reasons. Ze best reasons! But first... a toast... to ze answer of an age-old question."
Adam holds the glass up, only to drop it as missiles fire at London and it's people.
Scenes Of citizens being slaughtered by Nazi Grunts as Edwin Starr's War plays.
The heroes are horrified at the carnage caused by the vampire army.
"My gods..." Weiss whispers.
"All those people... What did they ever do to deserve this?" Yang asks as she grips her arm rest.
"Not even the chaos we helped caused during the Vytal Festival compares to this." Roman says grimly.
Neo nods as a few tears threaten to fall. Jaune holds Pyrrha's hand, while Blake stares at the scenes with wide eyes.
"Why?" Ruby sobs.
Penny hugs Ruby as her own eyes tear up. "I don't like this feeling."
"The song choice fits." Ozpin thinks grimly, with Oscar nodding with a frown.
Blaze glances at Salem and Cinder. "Is this the kind of mayhem you wanted?"
Salem and Cinder strangely stay quiet as they think to themselves.
"Is it everything you hoped for, Major?"
"Yes, because it means ze destruction of innocent lives."
Blake leaps out of her chair. "YOU MONSTERS!"
"Induction. Zen Destruction WHO VANTS TO DIE?!" Adam sings along with the music.
As the music continues, the insignia for the White Fang can be seen burning in the middle of the city.
[Scene cuts to the meeting between Winter and her financial supporters]
"What do you mean, "He's stuck on the boat"?!" Ironwood exclaims.
"I mean he's stuck on the bloody boat!" Winter says. "I need you idiots to send a helicopter after him and retrieve him."
"Can't he fly with his vampire powers?"
"Vampires can't fly you idiot!" Jaune exclaims.
"In certain universes anyway." Blaze mutters.
"What-? ...No- NO, he can't fly with his vampire powers!"
"Then how did he get there?!"
"On the Blackbird we appropriated!"
"You mean "stole"?" Roman asks.
"You... STOLE the Blackbird?!"
"See?" Roman asks.
"WOULD YOU JUST SEND THE HELICOPTER?!"
"WE CAN'T! OUR COMMUNICATION'S ARE DOWN!"
"This is like the Vytal Festival all over again." Blake says. "But worse!"
"What?"
"They...have been for the past few hours."
"And you're just now saying something?!" Yang exclaims.
"People are dying and your just sitting around yelling at each other!" Pyrrha exclaims.
"So, you're telling me that... as of this moment...
We have no access to Alucard. Communications with our forces and the outside world are down, and the enemy could very well be KNOCKING AT OUR DOOR?!"
Suddenly, the door to the room busts open with operatives. They then surround the group with guns aimed right at them. Reginald then stands up, pulls out a gun and aims it at Winter.
"Or! Perhaps the enemy was sitting beside you on the round table the whole time!"
"Traitor!" Weiss exclaims.
"Talk about an inside job." Roman says, with Neo nodding in agreement.
"Oh, Reggie, this is adorable."
"SIR! Reginald! Is my name. I have spent the last five years of my life, cleaning up after YOUR pet vampire!" Reginald's eyes flash red as his teeth become fangs. "And now! It is time Sir Reginald is paid what he deserves."
Instead of panicking, Winter laughs in amusement. "You know... I get it now..."
Weiss joins in on Winter's amusement. Freaking out the people who know her.
"Oops. I think we broke her." Blaze thinks with a sweat drop.
"Uh... Weiss? Are you...okay?" Ruby asks hesitantly.
"She's right." Weiss says with a laugh. "Now it all makes sense."
"What exactly?" Jaune asks.
"Get what?"
Winter takes a deep breath. "How Alucard FEELS! Just a little bit, anyway." Reggie growls as Winter continues. "But I must say, "Sir Reginald," it is QUITE impressive that despite how hilariously amateur this little "coup" of yours is, that you're still managing to hold that gun."
Reginald screams in shock and agony as his right arms is suddenly severed from his body. Winter smiles as Ozpin makes himself known. His wires surrounding him.
"Who wants daddy's belt?"
"Ozpin for the save!" Yang says with a fist pump.
"Oh my." Salem thinks with a faint blush. She then shakes her head. "Where the HELL did THAT come from?"
The Operatives yell and open fire on Ozpin with no affect. The operatives are soon dealt with as Ironwood grunts in surprise when blood from one of the traitors falls on his face.
"Now think about what you've done." Ozpin says as he adjusts his gloves.
The conference gives mixed groans of relief and shock.
"Blaze? Could it be possible for me to have Mr. Ozpin's gloves?" Penny asks.
"As soon as we're finished viewing this universe." Blaze says.
"Sen-sational!" Penny joyfully exclaims.
"I'm still getting my cannon, right?" Ruby asks.
"Only if you're good." Blaze says.
"Awww." Ruby says with a pout.
"So, Sir Ironwood, are you alright?"
Ironwood wipes off the blood on his face. "Well... Reginald was actually... my brother-in-law. So... Currently... Processing that..."
"Damn." Roman says.
Suddenly, a roar of alarms sound off.
"Communications are back up! Everything is on fire!"
"London Bridge is falling down!"
"Falling down?!"
"Falling down!"
"London Bridge is falling down...! My fair lady! What should we do?!"
Blaze groans. "Really?"
"We have to evacuate immediately! Sir Ironwood, you could ride with me. The rest of you, carpool."
"Even now, she's trying to protect him." Weiss says.
"Granted, this version of Ironwood is way different than ours." Jaune says.
"Unfortunately." Ozpin thinks solemnly.
"No. I'm not going anywhere. I know I'm... not much of a man. I've had a silver spoon in my mouth since the day I was born. This position... It's not suitable for a meek gentleman like myself. But I'll be damned, I say, if I tuck my tail in between my legs at the first sign of peril! I THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE, SIR INTEGRA! BUT I-!"
Winter hands Ironwood a gun. "Here's a gun; there are twelve holy bullets. Save one for yourself."
Winter walks out of conference room with Ozpin.
"Wow." Yang says. "And I thought Ice Queen was cold."
"Damn it, Barb!" Blaze exclaims.
"Who?" Yang asks.
"Nothing!" Blaze exclaims.
"Ozpin?"
"Yes, Sir Winter?"
"Ready the car. We've got a war to win."
[General din of battle]
"Ah, yes. Buckingham Palace is burning. Und so are my loins~!"
"Ew!" Everyone exclaims in disgust.
"AHEM!"
"Ah! First Lieutenant former Olympic body builder Cardinia Winchester. Sorry, I was understandably caught up in ze moment."
"Still can't believe Cardin's a part of this." Ruby says with a frown.
"What's with all the tattoos?" Oscar asks.
"You finally have orders for me, Major?"
"Ah, indeed, my dear Cardina! You have a very SPECIFIC target."
"Where shall my scythe be pointed?"
"Ze Hellsing Organization Headquarters."
"Yes...!"
"Someone's excited." Roman says.
"Und you..."
"Yes~!"
"VERY excited." Roman says.
"...Shall provide reconnaissance."
Roman laughs. "Cock blocked!"
"Ew!" Ruby exclaims.
"Ah, shut it Red. Your old enough." Roman says waving Ruby off.
Cardina drops her cigarette in shock before screaming in frustration.
"Okay, Cardina! Cardina! I need you to bring it back for me: take a deep breath... Contain... ze calamity... zat is your mammaries."
"Really?" Weiss asks dryly.
Cardina poorly contains her White Fang rage.
"Zere is no one more eager to see zem bleed zen I! But Ve must be CAREFUL! Sir Winter Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing... ANY woman who commands the respect of a beast such as Alucard is NOT to be trifled vis! Fantasized of on a lonely Saturday night wiz a bottle of Chardonnay? Most certainly. But NOT trifled viz!"
"Naturally." Weiss says in a haughty tone.
"But she is just VUN VOMAN!"
"Und a girl. A police girl! Ze only living vampire sired by Alucard himself. Vhy? Is it her skill? Her unpredictable nature? Ze big titties?! Maybe... Who knows? But I do not gamble viss "maybes"! You vill act as a vanguard and surevy zeir forces. Are ve CLEAR?"
"Well, he's got a point there." Salem says.
"Which one?" Cinder asks.
"...All of them." Salem says after a pause.
Cinder gives her Queen a weird look before turning back to the screen.
"Transparently..."
"Why do I get the feeling she's gonna disobey his orders?" Jaune thinks.
"Wunderbar! Now, speaking of vich..."
[Scene Change]
"Sergeant Klaus? Have you spotted Frau Hellsink?"
"Ja, Major. Driving past Primrose Hill."
"Is it on fire?"
"It could be more on fire..."
"Looks like your sister's in trouble, Weiss." Blake says.
"Don't forget, Ozpin's with her." Ruby says.
[Scene Change]
Winter and Ozpin drive back to the Hellsing compound. On the way, the two see the carnage the White Fang has brought down upon London.
"Eugh...EEAUGH!"
"At...tion...Anyone listening?" Ironwood's voice asks on the radio. "I'm not sure if I'm using this correctly... It's been ten years since I've had to operate an analog radio. I am Sir Ironwood, Vice Admiral of the British Security Council."
[Scene Changes to the British Security Council HQ]
Ironwood can be seen as the only one left in the room, but on his last legs.
"I know things seem bleak to those who are still alive... but steady on. We are still fighting. Each... and every one of us. We shall defend Queen and Country... against this decades-old barbarism!"
"That was one hell of a speech." Yang says.
The barricaded door suddenly explodes. Dozens of White Fang operatives then storm in.
"How Valiant of you, Sir Ironwood! Defending your post down to the last man."
"Ah... but that's where i must rebuke you... because where you see one man... I...see...four!"
"See four?" Everyone asks in confusion.
Suddenly, realization dawns on Penny as she gasps. "C4!"
"See four"...?" The officer looks around to see dozens of C4 explosives planted around the room."Haa! Haa-aa-aa-aa-aa-aa-aa-aa!"
"When you get to Hell, tell 'em Ironwood sent you! And then apologize on my behalf for the inconvenience!"
Ironwood presses button on detonator causing British Security Council HQ blows up.
The audience sits in shock of Ironwoods sacrifice and epic one liner. The heroes bow their heads in response with everyone else following their lead. Even Neo took off her hat to give Ironwood a sendoff.
[Scene change back to Winter and Ozpin]
The radio transmission cuts off.
"...Ozpin?"
"Yes, Ma'am?"
"... Sir Penwood was a-"
The car suddenly hits a ghoul.
"SON OF A BITCH!"
"Annnnd, the mood's gone." Yang says.
The tires screech as the car comes to a stop.
"Sir Winter? We have a problem."
"Oh my God, the road is on fire!"
"Unfortunately, that's not the worst of it."
The Captain appears down the road.
"Uh oh." Jaune says in worry.
"Sun..." Blake says with a sad frown.
Ozpin steps out of the car. "If you will excuse me, I have to meet with an old friend. You need to take the car and make your way to the HQ on your own. I believe in you, ma'am."
"Ozpin... there's something I want you to know..."
"This is no time for goodbyes, Sir Winter."
"No; I... I don't know how to drive. You have driven me literally everywhere since I was ten."
"WHAT?!" The heroes exclaim.
"Stop ruining moments!" Yang exclaims.
"Oh. Well, perfect time to learn."
Winter steps out of the car and moves to the driver's seat. "You come back to me. No matter what. Understood?"
Ozpin adjust his gloves. "Understood, ma'am."
"Now, which one's the clutch-?" The car tears away, barely under Winter's control. "O-KAY! WE'RE DRIVING!"
Ozpin approaches the Captain with his wires surrounding him. The Captain moves towards the butler as well. Ozpin launches his wires at the Captain, but to no effect as the White Fang member catches the wires with his bare hands.
"Oh, brilliant... You haven't aged a day."
"That's sarcasm, correct?" Penny asks.
"Yep." Yang says while popping the "p".
"Ah yes, ve have aged like fine vine." Adam says on the zeppelin's loudspeaker. The aircrafts lights then shine . "You, on ze uzzer hand have aged like milk...Spoiled, sour... und ruining my meal... but don't get me wrong, it's still splendid to see you~! Let's have a heart to heart..."
"Things don't look very good for you." Oscar thinks.
"Indeed." Ozpin thinks.
[Scene Change]
"Agh! Shiit! Fuuck! AUGH! SSHIT!"
"Please tell me Winter's a better driver than this." Yang says.
"...I'm not sure exactly." Weiss says after a pause. "I've never seen her drive before."
White Fang Vampires run after Sir Winter.
"How can they keep up with a car?" Blake asks.
"Zere she is! Johann, tell her to pull over!"
"Mirror Mirror" plays on the car radio.
Ruby turns to Weiss. "Isn't that you on the radio?" At Weiss' nod, Ruby smiles. "You have a nice voice."
Weiss blinks before blushing at her partner's praise. "Dolt."
"Guten Abend! Could you please pull over?" Winter steers the car into Johann and a few of his comrades. "AGH-CK!"
"Talk about road rage." Yang says.
"Vell, she declined!" The White Fang grunts pull out their RPGS. "PANZERFAUST!"
The missiles rocket towards Winter's car as the woman tries her best to avoid them.
"YOU'VE...! GOT! TO! BE! SHIT! TING! ME!"
A missile causes the car to crash into a lamp post.
A White Fang Grunt jumps on top of Winter's car with his gun aimed at the roof. "Wooooo-!" The grunt is suddenly decapitated by Winter's sword."Agh-ck!"
"Hans! Nein! And he was having such a good day! He even got to burn down London Bridge! Sing the song! EVERYTHING!"
"Well, he got what he deserved." Cinder says.
"Con-gra-tu-lations." Winter pulls out a cigarette while stomping on Hans' severed head. "It took an entire squadron of inhuman, nigh-immortal fake vampires to hunt down and corner a 22-year-old woman." Winter lights her cigarette.
"Fake vampires?" Ruby asks.
"I get it!" Jaune says. "The White Fang Vampires are artificially made. Not like how regular vampires are."
"Which means that Alucard and the Police Girl are the only TRUE vampires." Salem says.
"Zat's a voman?"
"She is 22?"
Weiss' eyebrow twitches.
"I hope it's everything you've dreamed of. So have at it, then!" Winter points her sword at the "vampires". "Come and get the first real fight you've had in 50 years, you DICKLESS COWARDS!"
"Get them Winter!" Weiss exclaims.
"A White Fang grunt leaps at Winter. "I'LL STAB YOU IN ZE FUCKING THROOOA-!"
The grunt is suddenly stabbed by bayonets. He gurgles a little before exploding.
"Wait. Were those bayonets?" Yang asks.
Blake's eyes widen. "Then that means..."
Bible pages fall to the ground as Tyrian appears.
"TYRIAN!" The heroes exclaim.
The White Fang Vampires chatter fearfully at the sight of the Judas Priest.
"God's Assassin..."
"Saint Guillotine..."
"Ze Angel's Dust..."
"Judas Priest!"
"Wait, like ze band?"
"Zey vere named after HIM!"
"Wow, that's a lot of titles." Yang says with a whistle. "Wonder how he got a band named after him."
"By JOVE, ya fuckin' hedder of a woman! Surrounded by 50 vampire Nazis armed literally to the teeth! And waddaya do?! Ya get outta yer fuckin' car, pull out your sword, cut off one'a thier heads and yell "Come at me, ya Kraut shits!" No wonder Alucard wants to plow that virgin soil! I'm thinkin' about growin' some flowers meself!"
Everyone blinks for a moment before Blaze suddenly snaps his fingers. Paper bags then appear in front of everyone who proceed to vomit in said bags.
"Alexander Anderson... To what do I owe the unexpected pleasure?"
"Ah, yanno... just out and about with me posse!"
"Posse?"
"Posse?" The audience asks along with Winter.
Winter looks up to see hundreds of Iscariot agents on the rooftops.
"And look! Yanno how yer pet vampires got his own pet vampire? Well, that got me thinkin'! So, I acquired some learned youngsters m'self! TWO OF 'EM! WHICH IS TWICE AS GOOD! And here's the real kicker: One's Japanese... and the other one's fuckin' German! Ain't that topical?! I just need an Italian one and I've got me an Axis of Righteousness! Cinder! Say somethin' in Moonspeak!"
"Hai..."
"I'm in this too?" Cinder asks.
"What language is she speaking?" Jaune asks.
"It's Japanese." Blaze says. "A very popular language in other universes. Tokuni animede." (Particularly in anime.)
"That DOES sound like moonspeak." Yang says.
"Ha Ha! And that German one's Emerald! She shoots things! It's great!"
"Pop pop. Watchin' heathens drop."
"That doesn't sound like Emerald." Oscar says.
"So, Emerald and I work together in this universe as well." Cinder thinks.
"Ze Iscariots? Ve're not scared of you! Look at you! You don't even know how to use a bayonet! It goes on ze gun, idiot!"
"...Well, they're dead." Roman deadpans.
"Now if you'll excuse us, ya English Cow, it's time for the Iscariots to do yer job for ya. "Tyrian readies his bayonets. "And put these SOULLESS BODIES where they belong! In the ground in case ya didn't take-"
"MEINE SCHWESTER IST KEINE KUH!" Weiss exclaims. (MY SISTER IS NOT A COW!) "Gah! Not again!"
A few White Fang Vampires roar as the charge towards Tyrian. Only to be cut down by the Judas Priest.
"...In case ya didn't take ma meanin'."
"KILL ZEM!"
The White Fang Vampires give a battle cry as the charge forward.
"WHO ARE WE?!"
"THE NECESSARY EVIL!"
"WHY ARE WE NECESSARY?!"
The Paladins ready their guns. "TO PURGE THE WORLD OF EVIL WORSE THAN MAN!"
"AND WHY ARE WE GOD'S CHOSEN FEW, ORDAINED TO UNDERTAKE THIS UNHOLY TASK?!"
Emerald draws her guns, while Cinder draws her sword.
"BECAUSE NO ONE ELSE WILL!"
"AND BECAUSE IT'S FUCKIN'... FUN! "Tyrian laughs madly as he starts cutting down the undead army. "AHAHAAAAAAAAAMEN!"
"Okay, got to give him credit." Yang says. "That was a badass speech."
[Scene change to Alucard, still on the boat he crashes landed on]
Alucard sniffs the air. "Something's burning."
"I'm surprised that boat is still floating." Ruby says.
And done! Happy 2022 everybody!