Hello and welcome to another installment of RWBY Across the Multiverse! I've decided to finish the Hellsing universe before going on to my other projects. Now, let's begin one of my favorite episodes in TFS' Hellsing Abridged! You're on, Police Girl!
Police Girl: MY NAME IS VEL- *Sigh* Forget it. The followin' is a fan-based parody! Hellsing Ultimate is owned by Kouta Hirano and Studio Madhouse, and licensed by Geneon, Madman Entertainment, Manga Entertainment and Funimation! RWBY is owned by Rooster Teeth Productions. Please support the official release!
Blaze, after having his talk on his Scroll, walks into the theater and sits down in his seat.
"Alright, I'm back." Blaze says excitedly. "Let's get this showing rolling."
Oscar raises an eyebrow. "You seem...excited about this particular showing."
"This one happens to be one of my favorites." Blaze says.
"Why is that?" Penny asks while tilting her head.
"Let's just say, Police Girl is gonna level up." Blaze says vaguely with a grin. "Now, action!"
[Open on White Fang vampires snacking on corpses]
"Gross!" Ruby exclaims in disgust, with the others agreeing with her.
"Gruber?"
"Hmm?"
"Are we bad people?"
"Of course, your bad people! You're eating those men!" Weiss exclaims.
Gruber swallows. "It's a matter of perspective, really."
"From these men's perspective?"
"Oh, absolutely! But to be fair... I think we kind of tipped that Jenga tower by being White Fangs in the first place."
"Ya, ya.. I guess the whole 'eating them' is just... salt on the wound."
"Agh, don't say 'salt' to me! These mercs are so bland! They could use-"
Velvet open fires on the Nazis while screaming.
"Thank you!" Yang exclaims. "Those two were annoying."
"How's THAT for some SALT?!" Velvet asks. Receiving silence as her answer. "...UGH! God DANNIT! What's the point of comin' up with all these one liners iff'n they're all dead when I say 'em?!"
"It wasn't that good to begin with." Yang says in a deadpan.
"To be fair, it wasn't really that funny to begin with!" A White Fang Grunt says from a floor below.
Velvet points one of her canons at the floor and shoots through the offending grunt. "It's a matter o' perspective, really."
"That's gonna be the running gag for this showing, isn't it?" Jaune asks.
"Probably." Pyrrha says.
"B Wing! What's your location?" Coco asks on her communicator.
"HR department!" Miller says.
"And your status?"
"You ever been fisted up to the elbow before?"
"Ew." Yang says.
"...Jaffe, I could use your expertise!"
"Not from THAT guy!" Blake exclaims.
"Hey, FUCK YOU lady!"
"Read ze room!" Coco goes back to her communicator. "So... I'm guessing you're in some shit!"
"I just saw a man's FACE get eaten! One bite, like that asshole owl with the fuckin' Tootsie Pop, man!"
"Oh, gods." Jaune says in shock.
"How many licks did it take?" The dying merc asks with a laugh before coughing.
"He's literally dying while laughing." Roman says dryly.
"Just hold out! The police girl is on her way!"
"And by that time, you'll all be dead." Salem says.
"Probably." Cinder says with a nod.
The heroes give the two villains the stink eye.
"Ma'am... I'm not gonna lie to you; we're pinned here. All my men are dead or dying and I'm runnin' out of bullets."
"Miller... it was an honor serving with you."
The heroes bow their heads.
"...What the fuck?!"
"What?" The heroes ask.
"What?"
"What's THAT cheap shit?! You're not gonna to tell me to fall back or fight through?!"
"Can he even make it?" Roman asks.
"Well, I-I mean, can you?"
"Of fucking COURSE not!"
"Then why asks?" Jaune asks.
"Well, zen, why ze FUCK would I say it!?"
"It's a cliché, dammit! And a good goddamn one, at that!"
"...He's...not wrong?" Yang asks unsurely.
"Fine, fine, whatever! Okay, sure! ..Don't you FUCKING give me that, Miller! Fall back and make it-"
"No, no... it's-it's ruined. It's disingenuous."
"It was always going to be disingenuous!"
"Well, so is what's coming next!
Miller tosses his earpiece away.
"Wait, no, Miller, choose life..." Coco says sarcastically.
"Now that's disingenuous." Weiss says.
Miller fires his gun at the incoming vampires. "COME AND GET ME, you blood-chuggin' cockholes!"
With her had glowing with a purple light, Cardina places her hand on the wall next to her and uses her magic to create an illusion.
Miller gasps as he looks to be in a small room with pictures. "What the fuck?"
"Here we go again." Neo says.
"Still getting used to her speaking." Roman thinks as he side glances his partner. "And the accent."
A little girl suddenly appears in front of Miller. "Daddy! It's me, daddy! Welcome home!"
"Using an illusion of the guy's daughter to trick him?" Neo asks with a frown. "That's low."
Jaune narrows his eyes at Neo. "Oh, like how you used an illusion of Nora back in Atlas?"
Neo snarls at Jaune. "Oi, this guy's daughter is probably dead. At least Thunder Thighs is still alive."
"You're not my daughter..."
"Of course I am, daddy! I-"
"No, seriously; I got a vasectomy right out of high school."
"Oof." Roman says with a wince.
"...I meant... I'm your niece!"
"Nope... I'm an only child."
The little girl transforms into Sonic the Hedgehog with a foot-long erection.
Miller gasps as he drops his gun.
"What the hell is that?!" The audience exclaims in shock and disgust.
"Oh, my me!" Blaze exclaims. "I forgot about that thing!"
"I've been waiting for you, Miller."
Miller hugs Sonic...and is split in two for his trouble.
"Why did he hug that thing?!" Weiss exclaims. "And what the hell was that!?"
"Real quick... Does anyone vant to explain vhat we just vitnessed?" Cardina asks as she and the remainder of her men walk the Hellsing manors halls.
"Uh, I think that was Sonic the Hedgehog from the Sonic the Hedgehog franchise by Sega."
"Okay, but... vy did it have a foot-long erection?"
"The fanbase is... diverse."
"You mean, fucking veird."
"It really is!" The audience exclaims.
"Great. Now another of my childhood memories is ruined." Blaze thinks with a frown.
"It's a matter of perspective, really."
"Yep." Jaune says. "Definitely gonna be the gag in this one."
[Cut to the mercenaries]
"No one else is gonna say it?! Fine! I fuckin' will! I wish Alucard was here! Yeah!" Jaffe exclaims in a panicked tone.
"Really, Jaffe?"
"Yes, REALLY! Because when he was around, shit wasn't so scary! If anything, it was fuckin' hilarious! But ever since he left, everything's so god damned serious! Like there's something MISSING!"
"He's not wrong." Jaune says.
"Hey, we're doin' pretty OK without him! It's... our time to shine, you kno-?"
"You mean be murdered." Roman says.
"BURN!" Neo exclaims.
"DUDE! Let's face it, we fucking SUCK and no one likes us!"
"So... okay!" Coco says with a cigarette in her mouth. "Let's grab some kneepads, a stiff drink and gobble his COCK! You want to sit back and whimper like ze little pre-school bitch you are? Go ahead! But Alucard isn't here. He's on a FUCKING boat and zere's not a GOD DAMN zing we can do about it!" Coco points her cigarette at Jaffe before crushing it in her hand. She then grabs Jaffe by his vest. "So do some FUCKING soul-searching or locate ze shattered remains of your testicles and hope - like always - zat the girl comes first, before zat barricade gives way and YOU'RE made into the world's whiniest Lunchable!"
The audience is stunned silent by Coco's speech. That silence gives way as Cinder claps her hands a few times.
"I hate to admit it, but that was quite the speech." Cinder says.
"A bit crass, but yes." Salem says with a small nod.
"Oh, oh, right. The police girl. Will where the metaphorical FUCK IS SHE?!"
[Cut to Velvet]
"Welp! Looks like Human Resources has been...processed. I'd feel worse about that if they ever did anything about all the sexual harassment. Yet you'd think Alucard was the worst offender."
"...What?" Ruby and Yang asks after a brief pause.
[Flashback]
"Hellooo... Police Girl." Winter says with a seductive smirk.
Velvet blushes slightly as she stares at her employer in confusion. "...Sir?"
"What the hell, Winter?!" Weiss exclaims incredulously.
"Kinky." Blake, Yang and Neo think.
[Present]
"Not like you to have a girl clean up your mess, ma'am." Yatsuhashi says.
"Heh! You're not wrong, Yatsu." Coco says. "But even with all zese men, zis isn't ze kind of load we can handle on our own. Hopefully, zose ASSHOLES are out of rockets..."
"Annnnnd you just jinxed yourself." Yang says.
[Outside]
"Ma'am, we have an abundance of rockets. Shall ve bombard zem?"
"Called it!" Yang says.
"Oh, nein! I want to see how zis- Panzers out?
"...Was that a pun?" Pyrrha asks.
"Oh?" The panzer grunt asks in confusion. His eyes then light up in recognition. "OOOHHHHH!"
"Oh?"
"Get on with it already!" Weiss exclaims.
"OOohhhhh! *Laughs* *Sighs* And zey say ve Germans can't be funny!
The panzer grunt fires into the conference room. Causing a few mercenaries to do the famous Wilhelm Scream as they are blown away.
"C'mon, move it! Move it!"
Coco grunts painfully. "Ze least those fuckers could do is give us some warning, before they pull it out and blow it all over our backsides! Coco gives another painful grunt as she looks down to see a piece of wood impaled in her right side. "And now zis wood is going to give me a limp! Like usual..." Cooc turns around. " Yatsu! Can you take care of zis for me- *Gasps*
Coco finds Yatsu missing his right arm and both of his legs.
The audience gives varying forms of shock as the witness Yatsu's current condition.
"C-can you bring it over here?"
"Yatsu!" Coco rushes over to her comrade. "No! Shit!"
Yatsu gives a painful wretch. "How's it look?"
"Probably how it feels."
"Not the time for jokes!" Ruby exclaims tearfully.
"I'm imagining crushed raspberries."
"How is he still alive?!" Weiss exclaims.
"Yeah... zat's about right."
"Captain. Listen. There's one thing I need to say before I die."
"What is it, Yatsu? My friend! My brothzer!"
"You fuckin' SUCK at pickin' our contracts!"
Yatsu dies.
"...I feel like that was a cop-out." Roman says after a pause.
"OUR FRIEND JUST DIED! SUHT UP!" The heroes exclaim.
"Au revoir... mon cul préféré. (Goodbye... my favorite asshole.)
"Hey, God? It's me! Tony! If only one of us makes it out of here alive... PLEASE let it be ME!"
"Hey, God? It's Tony's friend, Andy. Fuck Tony!"
"Quit arguing and focus on STAYING ALIVE!" Jaune exclaims.
[Outside]
"I zink I'm going to fire zis vun at- Tony!"
"Yes." Cardina says with a demented grin. "Fuck. Them. All."
The panzer grunt tries to fire, but the gun jams. "You're kidding me, it's jammed! Oh, zis is embarrazzing-"
Velvet appears and begins taking out the White Fangs.
"Thank god!" Oscar says with a sigh of relief.
"You're welcome." Blaze mutters.
"Throw your hands up, gentlemen! Ze cavalry has arrived!"
"Yaaay..."
"Oh, GOD, they shot me in the AAAAASS!"
Yang burst out laughing at the dying fang.
"Vell, vell, vell! If it isn't the loyal police girl."
Velvet unclips the harness for her canons.
"All right, you know GOD DAMN well what my name is!"
"You're right, I do... but there's so much more I want TO LEARN...!
Cardina digs into Velvet's memories.
[Velvet's Memories]
"I see, so you're looking to become a police officer?" The police chief asks. "Not surprising, given what happened to your family."
Dread suddenly fills the heroes.
"Ah, I see." Cardina says. "Did something happen to Mommy and Daddy? *Laughs* Let's take a look!"
"The sister here says you stabbed the boy in the eye with a pencil!" The headmaster exclaims.
"WHAT?" The audience asks in shock.
"I'll stab your mother in the CUNT!" Young Velvet exclaims.
"JEZZ, Velvet!" Blake exclaims.
"Young lady, how do you expect to be adopted if you continue this behavior?"
"I don't want to be adopted; I WANT YOUR MOTHER'S CUNT!"
"An orphanage...?" Cardina asks. "Oh, zis is getting even better! Let's just dig into those repressed memories, and perhaps ve'll-"
Cardina comes across a memory of Velvet licking blood from Winter's finger.
"VY?!" Weiss exclaims with her German accent acting up...again.
The resident perverts blush at the scene while the more innocent ones simply tilt their heads in confusion.
"Um...zis..needs context. Let's keep moving."
[Cut to the memory of Velvet's mom hiding her daughter in a closet]
"Velvet, hide in here. And absolutely do NOT come out."
Velvet whimpers tearfully as gunshots and screaming sound from outside.
The audience is stunned silent at the fate of Velvet's parents.
"...Ohhh no...!" Jaune says fearfully.
The closet door opens slightly as Velvet sees her parent's dead bodies.
"Now look what ya' gone and done, ya' skipped the process!"
"What process?"
"Russel and Dove?!" Blake exclaims in shock.
"...They...killed Velvet's...parents?" Ruby asks with tears spilling out her eyes.
Weiss and Penny are quick to comfort their friend (love interest). Yang would've too, but she was busy trying not to lunge at the screen.
"The standard process o' breakin' and enterin'! You're supposed to shoot the husband, rape the wife, then shoot the wife! You gone and shot the husband, then shot the wife!"
"Don't mean nothin'!"
"'Course it does! Now we can't rape her!"
"I beg to differ! Body's still warm!"
"Come on now mate, gotta have standards. I know we're shootin' an' rapin', but necrophilia's a step too far."
Velvet shakenly steps out of the closet.
"If you're such a bugger about procedure, why didn't ya' perform a 5-point room scan?"
With a rage filled scream, Velvet charges at Dove and stabbs him in the eye with a spork.
"BUGGER ALL!"
Russel aims his gun at Velvet. "Right!" Russel shoots little Velvet in the gut. The force of the gunshot sends Velvet crashing on to the closet doors before falling to the ground. "My fault. I'll take responsibility for that one! That is what happens when you do not perform a 5-point room scan!"
"Yeah, alright, so you get to the 5-point room scan and I'll get to the rapin'!
"Steady on!"
Little Velvet watches as her parent's murderers tear off her mothers clothes before raping her dead body.
[Present]
The audience is horrified by what they just witnessed. Even the villains. Not even they condone rape.
Yang's eyes turn red as she looks at Blaze.
"Tell me those assholes got dead." Yang says in a deathly calm voice.
Blaze glances at Yang. He then looks at the other Remnantians. All of whom await Blaze's answer with narrowed eyes.
"...Yes." Blaze says after a pause. "It's part of the reason Velvet became a police officer. A year after she received her own squad, there was a raid. Velvet got justice for her parents...by taking their murderers out herself. She continued working on the force so that no one would go through what she did."
"...Good." Yang says darkly.
Velvet hyperventilates with tears in her eyes after being forced to relive her traumatic experience.
"Aaaww, ze poor little police girl has such a burden on her shoulders." Cardina says without sympathy. "Let me help you take some of the veight off!" Cardina cuts off Velvet's left arm! Causing the girl to scream bloody murder!
"VELVET!" The heroes exclaim in worry.
"You're not even a decent guard dog!" Cardina stabs Velvet in the back! Resulting in another agonizing scream! "You're just the pet of a pet!" Cardina lifts Velvet up by her hair and raises her scythe at Velvet's eyes. "A stupid, big-tittied police girl! Cardina cuts Velvet's eyes! Inciting yet another agonizing scream! Cardina then drops Velvet before stomping on her back. "Then again... it's a matter of perspective, really! *Laughs*
Yang ignites with her eyes blazing red with fury. "SOMEONE, KILL THAT BITCH!"
"Where the HELL is Qrow!?" Blake exclaims.
Coco suddenly comes out swinging a broken chair leg! "VA TE FAIRE FOUTRE!" Coco attacks Cardina. While the vampire is disoriented, Coco pulls out a gun. "It's French for 'FUCK OFF!' Coco shoots Cardina away from Velvet.
"Eat that, you White Fang bitch!" Yang exclaims. She then turns to Blake. "No offense, Blakey."
"None taken!" Blake cheerfully waves off.
Smoke bombs are suddenly dropped. The remainder of the Wild Geese then come charging in.
"Captain, let's move!"
"Grab the girl and go!"
Coco gently picks up Velvet. She then slowy walks away with Velvet in tow. "Sure! Leave the 130-pound body to the girl with the GUT WOUND. *In French* I am girt by idiots!
"A-after the arm, I-I think it's about 105..." Velvet says shakily.
"She's delirious!" Pyrrha exclaims.
"She's losing too much blood! Hurry!" Penny exclaims.
"And ze blood loss! Ugh, something I could use a lot less of right now. All right, Coco. Keep it together. One foot in front of ze other. You've got ze girl. You've got your men. You've got a way out of zis living hell-"
Coco is suddenly stabbed from behind! Dropping Velvet as she falls to the ground!
"COCO!" The heroes exclaim in shock and worry.
"Vait your turn. I vasn't done playing with that yet."
"She's still alive?!" Weiss exclaims.
"How?!" Jaune exclaims. "She was shot FIVE times!"
Salem winces. "Gunshots are the worse to deal with. I may be immortal, but I can still feel pain."
"Holy shit, CAPTAIN, THAT GERMAN BITCH IS STILL ALIVE!"
"Jaffe, why the fuck do I have to die with you?"
"Cap'n Adel, w-what was that stabbing noise?" Velvet asks shakily. "An' that blood-drippin' noise? An' that body hittin' the wall noise? I'm blind, so I could really use a play-by-play..."
"I'm sorry, mon cher, ez not like me to leave a girl unsatisfied, but it seems I just didn't have it in me zis time..."
"No! Don't die, Coco!" Ruby exclaims.
"Don't worry, i-it even happens to girls most of the time. Heh..."
"But I can at least tell you, mon cher. It was...good for me..."
Coco pulls out a cigarette and has one last smoke.
"...Ms. Adel...? Coco?" Velvet uses what strength she has left to crawl towards Coco. "COCO?!"
Coco brings Velvet closer to her and the two kiss.
"Awww..."
"That's sweet..."
"Stop ruinin' moments!" Neo exclaims.
Coco smiles as she and Velvet part. "Next time, maybe I'll get past first base! Coco laughs before coughing up blood. "*Sigh* fat chance. You're far too fine a wine, for a lout... like... me." Coco passes away.
The audience has a moment of silence for the mercenary captain's death.
"Coco...? Coco?" Velvet feels around until she finds Coco's body. Please get up. No. C-come on. No, come on, I-I-I can't do this alone!" Velvet raises Coco's body to the wall and grips her tightly. "Master. Master, I need you here! I'm too weak for this! I'm too stupid for this! I-I can't handle this! I-I'm not a real vampire! I'm barely even a human! Master! WHAT DO I DO?! WHAT DO I DO?!"
Velvet suddenly finds herself in a different room. But she's not alone.
"Uhh..."
"You rang?"
"Qrow, do something, damn it!" Yang exclaims.
Velvet walks towards Alucard. "Master? Everything's falling apart."
"Shit, you're right! You should really get on that!"
"The bastard doesn't even care!" Roman mutters.
"Coco... Coco's dead, because of me. Everyone's dead... because I wasn't strong enough!"
"Oh, so this is MY fault then?"
"I am SO glad our Qrow isn't like this!" Oscar says.
"Agreed." Ozpin says.
"W-wha? N-no!"
"Everything is my fault, apparently. Ate the last Spotted Dick pudding in the fridge? My fault. Crashed a car into the world's first British Dairy Queen? My fault. Unknowingly shot Archduke Ferdinand and blamed it on some other guy? Oohhh, MY fault!"
Blaze face palms. "Me damn it, Al."
"It's not your fault! Cardina, Coco, the Flying Geese? They were MY responsibility!"
"But I chose you. Are you saying I made the wrong choice? Because I don't make wrong choices... I make investments."
"Wow." Cinder and Salem say dumbfoundedly.
"I'm sayin' I failed you! I failed everyone!"
"The only way you fail is by giving up."
"I give up because I'm not strong enoug-"
Alucard grabs Velvet by her shirt and snarls at her. Listen to me, Draculina! You are SO MUCH stronger than you let yourself be."
"'Ow do you know?!"
"Because behind those eyes, I saw something I lost long ago: the will to live."
Salem and Ozpin gasps at Alucard's words.
Alucard let's Velvet go. "Now, stop running from who you are. Confront it, embrace it..."
[Present]
"...and go for its fucking throat. Like a REAL FUCKING VAMPIRE!"
Velvet drinks Coco's blood and becomes a true vampire, healing her injuries, somehow turning her uniform blood red, along with giving her a shadowy left arm and shattering Cardina's illusion.
The Remnantians eyes widen in realization.
Pyrrha looks at Blaze. "This is what you meant, isn't it? That Velvet would level up."
Blaze grins. "That's right. By dinking Coco's blood, Velvet has finally accepted her vampire nature. Giving her her full vampire powers. Which means..."
"Cardina's fucked." Yang says with a feral grin.
Cardina looks at the scene, unnerved. "Zat look, how!? I cut out your eyes! How can you look at me like that?!"
"'Fuck you' that's how!" Neo exclaims.
"'Fuck you' that's how!" Cardina growls as Velvet continues. "Cardina, was it? L-listen, Cardina, this whole fuckin' place...is MY HOUSE. You ain't the queen vampire bitch 'ere! I am! And you know what we Brits always say: God. Save. The Queen."
"KICK THEIR ASSES, VELVET!" The heroes cheer.
Velvet rips through the White Fang like a tornado.
"She's like a fuckin' blender, turning my men into paste!" Cardina thinks as she watches her men get massacred. "A German Bloody Mary! Vy didn't we know about zis?! Vy didn't anyone do proper reconnaissance?!"
Velvet grabs Cardina by the face. "Aw, fick mich..."
Velvet drags Cardina on the floor. "Say my name, you Nazi bitch!" Cardina tries to punch Velvet off her but screams as Velvet bites off her hand! Velvet then picks Cardina up and grates her face on the wall!
"Whoaohoh, brutal!" Neo exclaims with a smile.
"I SAID, SAY MY FUCKIN' NAME! SAY IT! SAAAY IIIIIT!"
"VELVEEEET SCARLATIIIINNN-"
Velvet kills Cardina.
Velvet pants a few times before standing up straight. With her job done, Velvet Scarlatina walks way. "And don't you FUCKIN' forget it!"
The audience is stunned silent at Velvet's brutal- and awesome- display of her full powers.
"...I do not think we'll be able to call her Police Girl anymore." Penny says.
"NOPE!" The audience exclaims.
And done! Whew! THAT was my favorite chapter to write for this universe. ...Well, one of them. I still have to write episode's 8, 9 and 10, with 8 and 9 being my other favorites. Like I said earlier, I want to finish the Hellsingverse saga before I get back to my other fics.
About Russell and Dove being Velvet's parent's murderers, it was a spur of the moment thought. Same with her getting revenge after she becomes a Police Girl. It's unclear if Seras got justice for what happened to her parents in the anime, so I made something up.
Welp, time to get started on the next chapter. See you next time. Until then, ja nee!
[Andrew W.K's "Ready to Die" as outro]