Welcome to another installment of RWBY Across the Multiverse. Not much else to say except, take it away, Tyrian!
Tyrian: The followin' is a fan-based parody! Hellsing Ultimate is owned by Kouta Hirano and Studio Madhouse, and is licensed by Geneon, Madman Entertainment, Manga Entertainment, and Funimation! RWBY is owned by Rooster Teeth Productions. Please, support the official release! Piracy's a sin! And ya know how I hate that!
"Great, the pyscho's back." Jaune says sarcastically.
[Open on Mercury happily abusing his new power and position]
"For ye are the temple of the living God... As God hath said, "I will dwell in them and walk in them and I will be their God and they shall be my people. Wherefore come out from among them and be ye separate," sayeth the Lord. "And touch not the unclean thing and I will receive you!"
"I can't imagine Mercury quoting the bible." Cinder says.
"Mommy?" A little boy asks. "What's that man talking about?"
"Yes, my poor Christians... We have come to save you...!
"Hooray, it's the Catholic Church-!" A man says.
"Wait for it." Salem says.
"FROM YOURSELVES!"
"Thought so." Salem says as she leans back in her chair with her arms folded.
"Oh, no, it's the Catholic Church...!"
Iscariot forces begin assaulting London.
"Hasn't London suffered enough?!" Weiss exclaims.
"Yes! Cleanse the Earth of these sinners! May the Lord have mercy, FOR I. HAVE. NONE!"
Salem and Cinder pause as they think about the events that led them to where they are now.
"That isn't how I sounded... Is it?" Salem and Cinder think with uneasy expressions.
[Cut to Winter and company witnessing Mercury's crusade]
"You know, I think your boy Black's letting his new authority get to his head a little... You should probably have a talk with him."
"You think?" Blake asks sarcastically.
"He's... he's just under a lot of pressure." Emerald says.
"Really Em?" Yang asks with an eyebrow raised.
"You do not deserve God's MERCY! If He will not turn you to the afterlife, THEN I WILL!" Mercury exclaims.
"I mean, words only have as much meaning as ve give zem." Emerald says.
"Wow, she's really tryin' not to admit that her boss is a complete nutter." Neo says.
"Sinners will be allowed no quarter! Kill them all! LET GOD SORT THEM OUT!" Mercury exclaims.
"You're right; a lot open to interpretation there..." Winter says sarcastically.
"Perhaps one of us should have a talk vith him..." Emerald says.
"Oh, do ya?!" Jaune asks sarcastically.
"I SHALL BE THE NEW GOD OF THIS WORLD!" Mercury exclaims.
"Tch. Reminds me of that idiot, Yagami." Blaze thinks. "A Shinigami gives him a killer notebook and it goes to his head!"
"Aye, let me go have a wee chat." Tyrian says.
"Oh, I have an idea~" Winter says.
"Oh, this I gotta hear." Roman says.
Tyrian, catching on to where Winter is going, narrows his eyes. "Womaaan...!
"Why not write down a formal protest~?"
"Don't you dare...!"
"You can nail it to his door~"
"Don't you fuckin' dare...!"
"Like a Protestant~!"
"Ooh, BURN!" Yang exclaims with the others agreeing with her.
The Iscariots point their guns at Winter, only to be blown back by Velvet upon her arrival.
"Police- I mean Velvet's here!" Jaune says.
"Well, if it isn't Alucard's sidekick." Tyrian says. "Back for more of what I gave ya last time?"
"Why don't ya try sticking it in me again?" Velvet asks. "I might like it this time..."
Blake blinks once. Then twice before pulling out her notebook and scribbling something down. A faint blush on her face and a trickle of blood flowing out her nose.
"Father Callows!" Emerald exclaims.
"Context, Emerald!"
"Velvet, report!" Winter says. "And- e-explain!"
"Base is secure. Everyone's dead. Ate Coco; full-fledged vampire now.
"And you're going to die a full-fledged vampire." Tyrian says with a grin. "It's a shame your blood sugar daddy won't be here ta see it."
Everyone pauses as music suddenly plays in the distance.
"That music..." Oscar says.
"Is it possible?" Penny asks.
"Gotta be." Neo says.
The fog begins to clear as a ship sails into the harbor with a familiar figure at the wheel.
Roman grins. "Ladies and gentlemen, the Crimson Fucker has returned."
"Vampcle Qrow!" Ruby exclaims joyfully.
"About time." Blake says.
"Is he driving the ship... with his mind?!" Weiss asks incredulously.
"Okay!" Jaune says in exasperation. "What kind of vampire does this?!"
Yang grins. "A real fucking vampire."
Alucard draws his guns and rushes towards the front of the ship before leaping off it. The crimson vampire lands right in the center of the enemy forces. During his entrance, Velvet takes Winter to a higher vantage point.
"...Bad ass entrance." Ruby says in awe.
Yang nods at her sister's statement, but side glances said sister. "Still getting use to her swearing. Maybe we can finally get rid of the swear jar."
"Well, well, well..." Alucard says. "I leave for a day and... The Catholics are crusading, while the Nazis are invading~" Tyrian and the Captain walk towards Alucard until they're right in his face. "Callows! It's been only two days, but it feels like years. And you! Umm... How are... I wanna say... "Logan"...? Callows, what's this guy's name?"
"Sun Wukong, Mr. Alucard." Penny says.
Sun growls.
"Not a man of words, I see." Salem says.
"Oh, better watch out for "Hmrmm-hmm!"
"AluCAARRRRD!"
"WHAAAAAAT?!"
"Release restraint level-!"
"Now, hold your horses! I don't know who y'all think ya are, but my name's Jed Forest of the South Carolina Baptist Conf-"
"Oh, shut UP ALREADY!" The audience exclaims.
"Shhhhh-sh-sh-sh-sh-sh... Do you hear that?"
"Do I hear wha-?"
Jed is suddenly shot in the head.
"Hmm, must have just been the wind."
Jed's death brings a smile on the audience's face.
"Fuck it; dropping the formalities! Alucard! Go for a walk."
Pyrrha gasps. "She actually gave him permission to-"
"Fuck shit up?" Yang asks.
"...Yes." Pyrrha says after a pause.
Ozpin takes over Oscar's body. "This just proves how dire the situation is."
Alucard exhales. "When hope is gone... Undo this lock..." As Alucard recites his chant, Alucard's coffin reacts to his words. "And send me forth... For a moonlit walk...! Release restraint level... zero."
"Level zero!?" The Remnantians exclaim incredulously. They then look towards Blaze.
"You said Alucard had six levels of his power." Weiss says.
"Yeaaaah. I lied." Blaze says.
"You LIED?!" The Remnantians exclaim.
"I LIED!" Blaze exclaims with a cheeky smile.
Tyrian, the Captain, the White Fang and Mercury's crusaders attack Alucard until the vampire is reduced to shadowy whisps.
"Hey, the theme song's back." Jaune says.
"Guys, I, uh, don't want to jinx it, but I think we got him-" Father Andrea Marco is suddenly beheaded. "BWAAUGH!"
[Quick cut to the Major]
"Und das boot has finally dropped!"
A river of blood and eyes spills forward. Melting away the White Fang vampires and crusaders in the process. From out the carnage brings millions of what look like zombie soldiers from different eras in history.
[Quick cut to Winter]
"I think it's worth noting that this is the first time he's ever followed my orders without any back-sass. It's simultaneously satisfying... and disappointing."
"Tell me about it." Weiss, Ozpin, Roman, Cinder and Salem say.
Facing this new threat, Mercury begins to panic.
"Send in the reinforcements! Send in the Mexican Inquisition!"
The Mexican Inquisition tries to fight back but are swept away by river of death.
"They expected us... They expected all of us! DIOS MIO! Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!" Don Diego De La Vega exclaims before he and his group are overrun.
"Well, that worked." Yang says sarcastically.
"Send in the Salvation Army!"
"Holy fuck, bros! This is what we get for sticking our necks out!" Abbot Puiser exclaims before he and his group are overrun as well.
"Next." Cinder says.
"Send in the forces of the Temple Beth Zion!"
"They fucked off before the battle even STARTED!"
"Smart lot those guys." Neo says.
[Cut to the Temple Beth Zion escaping the carnage by helicopters]
"Seriously, I can't believe they thought we were going to help them!" Bartlomiej Jeleniak says. He then laughs along with his men. "That's for the Rhineland Massacres, you schmuck!"
"JEWWWWWWWS...!" Mercury exclaims.
[Cut to the Major and Doktor]
"It's kind of hilarious in a mundane vay, isn't it?"
Penny tilts her head. "What is?"
Blaze grins. "Wait for it."
Mercury pales as a figure can be seen forming inside the bloody river.
"NO, NO, NO, NO, NO...!"
"What is, Herr Major?"
"NO NO NO NO NO!"
"Zat none of these vhaffle munchers ever put it together zat "Alucard" backwards is..."
The bloody river parts to reveal Alucard. Only, he looks nothing like the Crimson Fucker. He's...
"DRACULAAAAAAAAAA!!"
"...Who?" Ruby asks with her head tilted.
"Dracula." Blaze says. "Count Dracula. The king of all vampires as well as the world's first."
Salem narrows her eyes. "I knew there was more to Alucard than what we've seen."
"So, he's the world first vampire and their king?" Weiss asks.
"Yes." Blaze says.
"...So cool." Ruby and Yang say.
"To be fair, how long did it take for us to figure zat out?" Doktor asks.
"A fair point." Adam concedes. "But we were very busy planning World Var Three~!"
"True... Also, I believe our forces are being quite literally slaughtered."
"Ha! Who gives a shit? Zey're Nazis!"
Blake frowns at the Major's words. "That's definitely Adam."
"All remaining forces!" Mercury exclaims. "Form up and protect your Neo-Pope!"
Mercury's airlifted truck is attacked and begins to fall. "AAARRGHH...!"
Mercury is knocked out of the sky and finds himself surrounded by Alucard's familiars. The familiars claw at the box, but can't get in.
"Ha! Stupid demon zombies! Claw away all you want; the only thing that can pierce my holy Pope box is the will of God Hims-"
A bayonet appears and shatters the box.
"And que the irony." Neo says.
The one who threw the bayonet is revealed to be Tyrian as he chuckles.
"CALLOWS! POR QUE?!"
"It is the sacred duty of the Iscariot Organization to punish the demon, the heretic...and the false God!"
"Burn, bitch!" Yang exclaims.
Mercury gasps.
"Also, you're a daft cunt!"
"Fair point." Weiss says.
Mercury cries as Alucard's familiars latch on to him. "CALLOWS! CALLOWS, I DON'T DESERVE THIS!"
"Says the guy who killed hundreds of people JUST because they were "heretics"." Blake says.
"Sinners will be allowed no quarter; kill them all and let God sort them out."
Mercury screams as he's impaled and killed by the familiars.
Cinder closes her eye. "The fool."
[Cut to Velvet and Winter... taking in the bloodbath]
"So... this is restraint level zero, huh?"
"These are five hundred years and change of souls that Alucard has consumed... After a while, he stopped actually killing people himself and started hanging around battlefields, letting others do it for him."
"How many souls has he-?"
"Chowed down on? Oh... two million...-ish? He calls it his...*sighs* #LifeHack."
"TWO MILLION?!" The Remnantians exclaim.
Velvet sighs. "He would."
Winter sighs before she takes a breath. "Let's go welcome him back!"
[Cut to Callows mourning Mercury]
"I'm not sorry for what I did, Black... but I am sorry I had to do it."
[Flashback to Callows meeting Mercury as a child]
"And what has brought you to our sanctuary of love and brotherhood, my boy?"
Yong Mercury grips his arm. "I have terrible guilt and rage inside me that can only be quelled by the blood and subjugation of the unclean!"
"Wow." Yang says. "Even as a kid, he was messed up."
"Though, I can't help but wonder what guilt and rage he felt at such a young age." Ozpin says.
"Ha ha! You'll fit right in!"
[Present]
"You were a good boy, Mercury... Shame you were such a shit man."
Tyrian activates hiscommunicator."To the Iscariot Order and all surviving Crusaders: Fall back to the Vatican!"
"But Father Callows, ve still have our orders and-" Emerald says.
"Ya don't have to follow orders when your leader's actin' like a daft cunt! Also, Mercury's dead, so..."
"Oooh zat's a, tragedy..."
"She doesn't sound very convincing." Penny says.
"I guess Mercury wasn't well liked in their organization." Pyrrha says.
"Don't weep for the stupid, you'll be cryin' all day. Now, follow my orders! There's somethin' I must take care of..."
"Father Callows... There is no way you can beat Alucard as he is now."
Pages gather as Tyrian prepares to teleport. "Maybe you're right, Emerald..." Tyrian vanishes. "But I want to take a stab at it anyway..."
Yang blinks before grinning. As she's about to speak...
"DON'T!" Blaze exclaims pointedly at Yang.
Yang pouts as she slumps in her chair. Blake offers her partner a pat on her shoulder.
[Cut to Velvet and Winter greeting Count Dracula]
"I'm not sure we've technically met..."
"Wait, so this is the first time Winter's met Dracula instead of Alucard?" Weiss asks.
"That's right." Blaze says.
"It is an honor, my Master, Sir Winter Hellsing. Please... just call me Drac. Or Qrow if you prefer."
"Wow." Blake says in astonishment. "Compared to Alucard, I'd say Dracula is nicer."
"Perhaps this is a case of Split Personality Disorder." Ozpin says.
"I don't think I'm going to do that."
"As you vish."
Velvet approaches her master hesitantly. "Euh...'ello... Master! Eh... it's me! Heh... the-the-the police girl!"
Dracula reaches out for Velvet. Causing the girl to let out a fearful squeak. Her worries are for nothing as the Vampire King affectionately rubs Velvet's head.
"Ah, good! It varms this long dead heart of mine to see you so grown up...Velvet... Scarlatina."
Velvet let's out an excited, yet adorable squeal.
"Aw." The girls, minus Cinder and Salem coo.
"N'aww, this is nice~" Winter says.
Tyrian appears above Dracula with his bayonets poised to strike. ALUCAAAAAAAAAARD!"
Dracula draws his sword, blocks Tyrian's attack and sends the priest a few feet away from him.
"STOP RUINING MOMENTS!" The girls, minus Cinder and Salem exclaim in outrage.
"Alucard is not here right now. You face Count Dracula of Wallachia."
"Call yourself whatever ya want, you crazy vampire bastard! I'm here to cleanse the Earth of your filth, once and for all!"
"Many have tried and failed. Yet, if it is my fate to fall to your blade... then let it be so... worthy opponent."
Yang blinks. "Am I the only one weirded out that he just called Tyrian a worthy opponent?"
The rest of the audience gives various forms of agreements.
"Just gotta remember, this is a different universe." Ruby says.
Tyrian pauses for a moment. "Time the fuck out! If we're doin' this... and we ARE doing this...! I'm not gonna come swinging at Dracula... I'MKILLIN' ALUCARD!"
"Are they not the same person?" Penny asks with a head tilt.
"...Well... I guess Tyrian and Alucard had... some kind of relationship." Weiss says uncertainly.
"It's a personal score." Cinder says.
"This whole business began with Alucard." Salem says. "Tyrian wants it to end with Alucard."
"You do know that it's just my name spelled-"
"OF COURSE I DO!" Tyrian draws a few bayonets. "SHUT UP AND BRING HIM OUT!"
Tyrian throws his bayonets at Dracula. Only to have them shot down. Tyrian tries to throw more of his blades, but his hand is suddenly shot.
Dracula cloaks himself in his cape.
"Very well...*sigh* if you insist..." Dracula says, slightly disappointed as he draws two familiar guns.
"He sounded genuinely disappointed." Weiss says.
"I guess Dracula rarely gets any time out." Pyrrha says. "Everyone seems to prefer Alucard."
After a moment, Dracula's cape whips off. Revealing the Crimson Fucker.
"Hey there, Padre! How's little Timmy? You know what's good for getting cum stains out of altar boy robes? Holy water! Did 'Ya miss me?"
"He's back~" Roman says.
"Like coke after Lent!" Tyrian exclaims as he charges forward.
"Wait, are we talking cola or cocai-"
Alucard is cut off by Tyrian's assault. Alucard responds by shooting Tyrian's left arm. Rendering it useless. Even so, the Judas Priest continues his assault. Only for Alucard to jump away. Tyrian is then faced with Alucard's army of familiars. He is then shot by a familiar bullet before being struck by equally familiar cards. Revealing that Ilia and Roman are now among Alucard's army.
"Oh right!" Roman says. "He made me and the chameleon chick his familiars."
"Hope you don't mind, I brought some friends! ...Associates? ...Slaves; I br- I brought slaves."
Blake growls a little at Alucard's comment.
Even faced with overwhelming odds, Tyrian stands his ground. "The more, THE MERRIER!"
"Gotta admit, he's tenacious." Blake says.
"And nuts." Jaune says.
Tyrian uses his mouth to hold his damaged arm.
"The runner takes his mark, the starting gun is fired and it's off to the races, folks!" Alucard says as he narrates Tyrian's approach. "He swings to the left! He swings to the right! He's right in the thick of it, ladies and gentlemen! And what's this? Oh, it's a regular ol' bayonet jamboree!"
"Damn." Yang says in astonishment as she absent-mindedly rubs her right arm. "Gotta give him props for getting this far single-handedly."
"Yeah, that's great and all, but how did he make an exploding bayonet-chain!?" Ruby exclaims while drooling.
A hulk of a male familiar steps in front of Tyrian with a roar.
"And who's this squaring up against him, standing 8'5" and weighing in at 600lbs? It's Biiiiiiiig Barry!" Alucard says as Tyrian stabs Barry in the mouth. "Better watch out! He's got no gag reflex!" Barry grabs Tyrain."And he's a hugger!"
With Tyrain caught, more familiars rush towards Tyrian.
"But wait, there's more!"
"Looks like this is the end." Salem says.
The remaining Iscariot forces show up to assist Tyrian.
Emerald spits out her cigarette. "Cinder, do ze thing!"
Big Barry's head is suddenly severed. The body falls while releasing Tyrian. Revealing Cinder with her katana drawn.
"The death of Big Barry has been sponsored by the Iscariot Order." Cinder says in Japanese.
Cinder facepalms. "Not only do I speak weird in this universe, but I'm also saving Tyrian of all people."
"Cinder! Emerald! I gave you express bloody orders to-!"
"Ve don't have to follow orders vhen our leader's acting like a daft cunt!"
"Turn abouts fair play, Tyrian." Cinder says with a grin.
"That's the only time you get to call me any kind o' cunt!"
"She is sassy as fuck! Holy shit, I like her!" Alucard exclaims.
"He's not the only one." Oscar thinks.
"What was that?" Ozpin thinks.
"NOTHING!" Oscar thinks frantically.
"Iscariot! Do you vant to live forever?" Emerald asks.
"We will live forever! In God's grace!"
With his comrades joining him, Tyrain charges forward to combat Alucard and his familiars.
"Y'all know you're Naruto running, right?" Alucard asks.
"Naruto running?" Penny asks.
"Basically, like most of the ninja characters from another universe." Blaze says.
The Iscariot's continue their assault while decimating any familiars in their way.
"God... IS GREAT! "An Iscariot member exclaims as he sets off a suicide bomb.
"Holy shit!" Yang exclaims. "He blew himself up?!"
"Ninja Catholic suicide bombers!" Alucard says with a laugh. "What a fun day!"
Multiple suicide bombers shouting "GOD IS GREAT!"
"Is it racist to say that sounds better in Arabic?"
"Sounds like something minions would say in a final boss fight." Jaune says.
"I was thinking the same thing." Ruby says.
Thanks to his comrades, Tyrian finally makes it to Alucard.
"Any last words, monster?"
"Have you ever thought about carbonating the blood of Christ? You know, give the kids something fizzy to drink, you know, before they wake up in an hour?"
Tyrian reaches into his back pocket and pulls out a box.
"What's with the box?" Yang asks.
"His secret weapon, maybe?" Blake asks.
"Oh, sweet! You've got some on ya." Alucard says.
"...I forgive you." Tyrian says softly.
The Remnantians blinks before screaming "WHAT?!"
Alucard pauses before frowning. "...Excuse me?"
"Everything you've said... everything you've done... I forgive you."
Salem narrows her eyes. "Something isn't right here."
"Agreed." Ozpin says as he narrows his eyes.
Blaze stares at the scene with a neutral expression. He then closes his eyes.
"Well, isn't that convenient...? But it's not up to you, is it? It's up to your precious God."
"You're right. Would you like to speak to him?"
Ozpin and Salem's eyes widen in shock.
Tyrian crushes the box in his hand. Revealing a large silver nail. Seeing said nail shocks the remaining Iscariot members.
"Isn't zat one of ze nails that pierced Christ's body?" Emerald asks in shock.
"Yup." Cinder says in Japanese.
"From ze "Don't fuck with this" armory?"
"Yuup."
"Vhere they keep ze Ark of ze Covenant, ze Dead Sea scrolls and ze ACTUAL Body of Christ?!"
"WHAT!?" The Remnantians exclaim in shock.
"YuuuP."
"Ooh, la, la!" Alucard says. "You've got a nail with some Savior juice on it! What'cha gonna do; stab me through the heart?"
"Not yours..."
Ozpin's eyes widen in realization. "He wouldn't!"
The younger Remnantians turn to Ozpin in confusion.
"What is it, professor?" Pyrrha asks.
Roman, Neo and Cinder turn to Salem, who stares at the screen with wide eyes.
"Even Queenie's spooked." Roman says.
"Must be somethin major." Neo says.
Alucard narrows his eyes in realization with a snarl. "No, no, no...!
Tyrian raises the nail towards himself. "...Mine."
"He's gonna kill himself?" Yang asks.
"Worse." Ozpin says with a frown. "He's going to become one of the things Alucard despises more than anything."
"What?" Ruby asks.
Alucard jogs towards Tyrian. "Nonononono no no no NO!"
Tyrian pierces his heart with the nail. Alucard attacks the priest, but the man cuts off the vampires arm and head. Alucard then shoots Tyrian in the face. Both opponents still manage to stand their ground. As Alucard begins to regenerate, vines begin to spread from Tyrian's heart as his face becomes horrific.
Seeing Tyrian's new appearance shocks and horrifies the Remnantians.
"...What the... hell?" Yang asks with wide eyes.
"His face..." Blake says.
"What is he...?" Weiss asks.
"...A monster." Blaze says solemnly. The Remnant turn to Blaze as he continues. "Alucard's philosophy is that a only a human can kill him. That's why he said Tyrian was a worthy opponent. Because even with his enhancements, Tyrian was still human. ...But now, he's forsaken his humanity."
Alucard snarls at Tyrian's appearance. The monstrous priest crushes his glasses under his foot as he and Alucard take their stances.
"Through the Ministry of the Church, may God give you pardon and peace..." Tyrian says with his voice layered with another's. "And I absolve you from your sins..." The vines spread throughout Tyrian's body and string him along like a cross. "In the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit..." Tyrian lunges at Alucard with a bayonet. "Amen."
Alucard raises his gun towards Tryain, but the priest bayonet pierces the vampires head. Causing vines to spring out of Alucard.
"Ugh, shit, this hurts...! ..This is a deep pain..." Alucard suddenly begins to combust."Oh,ooh! And it gets worse!"
Alucard losses consciousness.
"QROW, NO!" Ruby and Yang exclaim in alarm.
[Cut to an unknown realm]
"Vlad Tepas of Wallachia... Son of the Dragon...The Impaler..."
Ozpin and Salem's eyes widen in recognition. "That voice!"
"OH, fuck me, he wasn't kidding!" Alucard says with asniff. "Hello, GOL!"
"The God of Light?!" Ozpin and Salem exclaim in shock. Causing the other Remnantians to gasp.
"Dracula..."
"Actually, I go by "Alucard" now."
"Hold that thought..."
GOL begins to cleanse the souls trapped within Alucard.
"Whoa!" The Remnantians exclaim.
Alucard looks at GOL in alarm. "Hey, hey, hey, what are you doing? Hey, ey! Stop that! STOP THAT! THOSE ARE MINE!"
"I am forgiving your sins and releasing the damned souls you have imprisoned within you."
"Hu ho-ho-ho-ho-hold on..." Alucard says with a chuckle. "You've got a problem with people using others for their own ends! What, should I be giving you credit for the IDEA? Is that it?!"
"Someone's a little salty." Ruby says.
"What is the source of your anger, child?"
"Fuck you! You're omniscient, you already know."
"Yes... I want you to SAY it..."
Alucard stays silent. Causing GOL to sigh. "...Was it the ten years of ra-?"
"It was the ten years of RAPE!" Alucard exclaims. "Nailed it like the fucking Romans! Let me ask ya something, "Yahweh"...Which set of prints were yours in the sand? The handprints, the knee prints, OR the footprints behind THOSE?!"
"WHAT?!" The Remnantians exclaim in shock and horror.
"Told you his dad made Raven look like Mother of the Year." Blaze says.
"I have a plan for everyone."
"Typical." Salem mutters with a sneer.
"And what's the plan for the starving children in... *laughs* I don't know, in "name An African country?" Is it for them to die? Because, if so, KILLER PLAN! BUT... do you know who WAS there for me? Who answered my prayers, finally? Here, let's put 'im on!"
"I saw this coming, but I'm still not looking forward to it..."
Cue Dialtone.
"Hi, Brother!"
"Hi, GOD..."
"Fits that the God of Darkness would be involved." Ozpin says.
"But why does he sound like Jaune before his balls dropped?" Yang asks.
"YANG!?" Jaune, Ruby and Pyrrha exclaim incredulously.
"Heyyy, so... I know it's been a while... but, y'know- again, so sorry for what happened to your son. That was just terrible."
"Mmhmm."
"I do not think he cares." Penny says.
"Remember... if you ever want to talk about it, I'm there for you. Well, you know what I mean-down here for you, 'cause you sent me here to Hell, but that's okay... Ah and by the way if you ever want to stop by, I make some... KILLER avocado toast; you wouldn't believe it."
Ozpin and Salem wonder if the same can be true for their God of Darkness.
"Mmhmm."
"Jerk." Neo says with a frown. "He's tryin' to be nice. Least you could do is bury the hatchet."
"But anyways... Alucard has been a super-huge help down here, uh, really cleaning up the place... I just wanted to thank you for forsaking him and sending him our way. Thank you so much."
"Mmhmm."
"Moral of this people, sometimes the world needs a necessary evil." Blaze says. "Not that I'm condoning what Cindy and Salem have done."
"Hate you too." Salem and Cinder say.
"By the way, uh, while I got you here, could you MAYBE ease up on the requirements for getting into Heaven? You know, it's just that Hell is getting a WEE bit full down here... *laughs* It's really-"
GOL ends the call.
"He hung up on him!" Ruby exclaims before pouting. "He is a jerk."
"Anyway, Alucard... You are forgiven. And if you are brave enough to accept it-"
"Didn't ask; don't need it; go fuck yourself!"
"HA!" Salem and Cinder jeer.
"Hmm..."
Alucard returns to London.
"That's a pretty fair offer, Alucard." GOD says. "What are you going to do?"
"The same thing we agreed to all those years ago." Alucard flashes back to the day he died. "As I lay there, betrayed by the Lord I thought on my side... Made a monster in his name..." Alucard goes demon mode as fire gathers around him. "I swore I would not allow another monster like myself to exist in this world!"
"Damn! Another awesome speech." Yang says.
GOD laughs awkwardly before sighing. "Hey by the way, can I get my dogs back?"
"No, they're mine now!"
Alucard breaks free from the vines and rips out Tyrian's heart.
"Whoa!" The audience exclaims.
With the damage done to his body, only Tyrian's upper body, right arm and head remain as he falls to the ground. Even then, his body begins to turn to dust. Alucard then crushes Tyrian's heart in his hand. The sight shocks the remaining members of the Iscariot.
Tyrian groans weakly. "It looks like you got what you've always wanted... Alucard."
"I didn't want this..." Alucard says somberly.
"Don't make me feel sorry for this guy..." Jaune says.
"Ye stole my heart..."
"Literally." Yang says somberly.
Alucard holds his hands to his face as he cries blood. "Ohhh... fu-fuckin' come on, man..."
Tyrian coughs."...Times like this... I'm reminded of one of my favorite verses... "Whosoever shed man's blood, by man shall his blood be shed. For in the image of God, made He man."
"What chapter is that verse from?"
"Boondock Saints." Tyrian says with a chuckle. "Ah, my favorite movie..."
The Remnantians give a small tearful smile at Tyrian's callback. Even Salem and Cinder. Though they would deny their tears. Blaze even wipes his own tears away with his finger.
Alucard chuckles. "...Fuckin' called it."
"Alucard, I hate you... But I understand you. You seek out your own justice to right the countless wrongs you have committed...To find forgiveness... and salvation... But when you find it... Will you accept it?" The remainder of Tyrian's body begins to crumble. "As a man, much like you, once lost, adrift in the mad world... I made peace with my demons. May I tell you how?"
"Of course... my friend."
"I-"
Tyrian's head is suddenly crushed by a shoe! Revealing the culprit to be a younger looking Ozpin in a new outfit!
"Said three Hail Mary's, ate my vitamins, fucked off and died, Amen."
"OZZZZZPIIIINNN...!" Alucard exclaims with a growl.
"OZZZZZPIIIINNN!" The Remnantians, minus Ozpin who is shocked by his counterparts' actions furiously exclaim along with Alucard.
The screen turns black before a new scene appears with some music playing. The screen then shows some highlights of Tyrian.
Alucard: ~How does a bastard, orphan, sunnova whore and a Scotsman, dropped in the middle of a forgotten spot in an Italian village without a roof for sleeping under, grow up to be a deadly demon hunter? ~
Velvet: ~The Paladin Catholic father without a father, got a lot farther by working a lot harder by being a lot smarter by being a self-starter. At fourteen, who knew he was gonna become a martyr? ~
Coco: ~And so he got a job with the mob, smugglin' Heroin, but soon the law was hot on his trail, pursuit was narrowin'. So he disguised himself as a priest and a Samaritan and felt the urge to be much more than a barbarian. ~
Major: ~Then a vampire came, and devastation reigned. Our man saw the monster sucking blood from people's veins. So he took a holy blade and he stabbed it in the brain. And the vampire was slain. The incident lit a flame. ~
Alucard: ~Well the word got around. They said this kid is insane, man! Took up a collection just to send him to the Vatican! "Get your Ordination, don't forget from whence you came. And the world's gonna know your name. What's your name, man?"~
Tyrian: ~Tyrian Callows. My name is Tyrian Callows. And I like killing things because it's fun. So just you pray, just you pray. ~
Winter: ~And that was how he found a home, back in Rome, joined Iscariot. Trained him how to fight and defend the proletariat Paired him with a deadly sidekick, a kraut chick. ~
Iscariots: ~Injected him with nanobots so now he heals quick~
Major: ~Protestants and heathens are something that he could not abide. Killin 'em filled him right up with pride, something new inside, a voice saying: ~
Iscariots: ~"Tyrian, you gotta humble yourself"~
Major: ~He started retreatin' and readin' every bible on the shelf. ~
Alucard: ~There woulda been nothing left to do for someone less astute. He woulda been dead or destitute without a cent of restitution. Started writin', Fightin' for the church and the good lord, killing ghouls and zombie fools and all of Satan's demon horde! ~
~Slayin ev'ry undead freak he can get his hands o.n Prayin god will keep him meek as he lands on the green earth of the em'rald is-land Iscariot's sending him off to Ireland. ~
Iscariots: ~Tyrian Callows (Tyrian Callows). Jesus is the only king for you (is the only king for you). You could never back down, you took your own death in stride. Oh, Tyrian Callows (Tyrian Callows). When the Seraphim sing for you, Will they open the pearly gate? Will they know you embraced your fate? The world will never be the same, oh. ~
Alucard: ~He should've gotten more in life than what his savior brought him (just you pray) A life of piety and this is what it got him? (Just you pray) To sacrifice his personhood is what the church had taught him. ~
Iscariots: ~We fought with him. ~
Mercury: ~Me? I died to him. ~
Winter: ~Me? I hated him! ~
Emerald: ~Me? I loved him. ~
Alucard: ~And me? Well, I'm the vam-pire that shot him. ~
Tyrian: ~I like killing things because it's fun. ~
Iscariots: ~So just you pray! ~
Alucard: ~What's your name, man? ~
Iscariots: ~Tyrian Callows! ~
The screen turns black. Ending the showing.
The audience is stunned by. the musical memorial for Tyrian. After a few moments, Jaune stands up and claps. Prompting the others to stand and clap along with him.
And done! I couldn't help but put the whole song into this. It's awesome. Two more to go! Until next time, ja nee!