Welcome to another installment of RWBY Across the Multiverse. We're nearing the end of Hellsing. Also, thewittywhy, thanks for the suggestion. Alright Tra- I mean Ozpin. You know what to do.
Ozpin: ...Quite. Very well. The following is a fan-based parody. Hellsing Ultimate is owned by Kouta Hirano and Studio Madhouse and is licensed by Geneon, Madman Entertainment, Manga Entertainment and Funimation. RWBY is owned by Rooster Teeth Productions. Please, support the official release.
After the last showing, the Remnantians couldn't help but stare at Ozpin incredulously.
"Seriously, what the hell Ozpin?" Yang asks.
"I honestly wish I knew." Ozpin says with sweat running down his head. "I'm not sure why my counterpart did what he did."
"The last time we saw him, Butler Ozpin was fighting Sun." Ruby says.
"But then he got captured." Blake says.
Weiss thinks for a moment before a look of realization comes to her. She then looks towards Blaze.
"Don't tell me Ozpin is a traitor?!" Weiss exclaims.
The heroes gasp at Weiss' declaration.
"Well, I guess even the great Ozma can be evil." Salem says with a smug smirk.
"This coming from the witch who went crazy because her gods wouldn't bring her husband back to life?" Blaze asks.
The mood is brought down as Salem glares at Blaze. Her magic rolling off her in waves. The young god doesn't so much as bat an eye at the evil witch.
"Were it not for this barrier, you would be little more than a smear on the floor." Salem snarls.
"Ooooh, I'm shaking." Blaze says sarcastically. "And to answer Weiss' question... We'll just have to watch this next showing. Hit it!"
[Open to conveniently placed plot point flashback]
"Father... *sniff* I-I don't want to say goodbye."
"Well, that's quite selfish, Integra. I'm dying."
"So that is how Winter looked when she was a child." Penny says.
"It seems our father isn't the cold-hearted man he is in our universe." Weiss says.
Blaze grimaces. "Right... She doesn't know what happened to Jacque yet."
"Who's the guy next to Ozpin?" Yang asks.
"It TRULY is a TRAGEDY! I cannot BELIEVE someone would... POISON our afternoon Brandy! *Dramatic sniff* What bitter-sweet fortune that I was SOMEHOW spared!"
"I call bullshit!" Roman says. "This guy needs acting lessons."
"Yeah, even we can tell the guy poisoned him." Jaune says with his arms folded.
The rest of the audience offers various forms of agreement.
"Yes, it truly is a blessing that you are well my brother, Richard TRAITORO Hellsing. But as I die... the authority of our sacred organization falls to... my precious daughter."
"What?!"
"Well, Winter was in line to inherit the company before she signed up for the military." Weiss says.
"Yes, with great honor-" Richard cuts himself off as he gives a baffled stammer with wide eyes. "R-roll it back?"
"DENIED!" Yang exclaims while crossing her arms.
"Winter... You must stand taller than us all now. And lead the men and women of the Hellsing organization."
"H-WHAA?! That's uh- Uh, Tha- Tha Tha T-That's GREAT! YYYAAAAAYYY!"
"He does not sound happy." Penny says.
"What was your first clue?" Neo asks dryly.
"If you should ever find yourself in peril... Know that deep in a forgotten underground dungeon, there is one man... you can count on."
"He must be talking about Alucard." Blake says.
"But Ozpin doesn't live in the dungeon, he lives under the stairs."
Salem snickers at the unintended jab at her ex, while said person tries to ignore the jab by sipping some coffee he just conjured.
"Hmm."
"Goodbye... my starling... and- *Coughs up blood* ...That was my favorite pillow...
Jacque passes away.
"FATHER! NOO! Winter sobs.
Even though it wasn't her father, Weiss sheds some tears for his counterpart. Seeing her partners tears, Ruby gently holds Weiss' hand. Making the white-haired girl give a small smile.
Richard pauses for a moment before glancing towards Ozpin. "Ozpin, did you know you have paid vacation days?"
"Ooooh!"
"Your just gonna let my sister get killed!?" Weiss exclaims.
Later that night, Winter finds herself crawling through a vent in the Hellsing manor. Along the way to her destination, she sees her uncle talking to his men.
"Sorry sir. No sign of her."
"So, did you actually search for her? Or did you all go to the fucking Sunglasses Hut!?"
"We did both."
"Idiots." Roman and Cinder groan with a facepalm.
Richard slams his fist on the table before drawing a pistol from a drawer. "To hell with this!"
"Why can't we do both?"
"If you want your family murdered, I guess you do it yourself. AGAIN."
"I knew he did it."
"Duh!" The audience exclaims.
"What do I do? Ozpin's in Brazil, I'm in a VENT and my uncle's trying to murder me! I suppose my only hope lies... ...in the dungeon."
"Dun dun DUN!" Ruby says.
"By the way, would you like this extra pair of Oakley's?"
Roman and Cinder mutter to themselves while pinching their noses.
"It's nine FUCKING PM!"
After a while, Winter finally reaches the dungeon. She then drops down from the vent and lands on the floor.
"I made it but however will I know which door is-" Winter cuts herself off as she sees a door with an ominous sigil on it. "It's... definitely this door. But I wish it wasn't."
Winter reaches for the doorknob. However...
"YOU!"
Winter is taken by surprise at the sudden arrival of her uncle and his goons.
"So close." Jaune says while snapping his fingers.
"Well, we know Winter makes it through this." Blake says. "This is probably just explaining how she met Alucard."
"There you are my precious little niece. I was afraid you'd left before your succession ceremony. I wanted to give you your parting gifts. There are eleven." Richard draws his pistol and points it at Winter. "In fact, twelve including the one in the CHAMBER!"
"You killed my father!"
No, no, the POISON killed your father." Richard puts his pistol to Winter's head with a snarl. "I MURDERED your father."
"Well, he's not wrong." Neo says.
Winter narrows her eyes as she grabs the doorknob. "Then I guess you belong DOWN HERE!" Winter quickly opens the door and leaps inside. Only to find a long passageway with stairs. "Oh GOD, THERE'S SO MANY STAIRS!" Winter lands painfully at the bottom of the stairs. But not before Richard managing to shoot his niece in her left shoulder. Causing her to hold her wounded shoulder. "Where...? Where is he?" Winter looks in front of her and sees what looks like a bound corpse. "Oh, God DAMMIT, Dad. He's dead! "Oh Winter. You can't have a puppy! That's too much responsibility."
"He must be in a state of hibernation from lack of blood." Salem muses.
"Forgetting to feed one's gimp is a common mistake." Richard says as he reaches the bottom of the stairs with his goons. "Arthur WAS quite forgetful. Just like how he forgot I EXISTED." Richard points his gun at Winter. "And soon... the world will forget all about YOU-" Richard cuts himself off as everyone hears what sounds like slurping noises. "...What the fuck is that?"
Everyone turns to see the once lifeless corpse of Alucard lapping up Winters blood from the floor.
"Aaauhhh...Uh. Excuse me?"
Alucard looks up. "Hold on. Lemme get some sip."
One of Richard's goons goes for his gun. "He said excuse-"
The goon is suddenly beheaded by Alucard.
"WHOA!" The Remnantians exclaim in surprise.
"I SAID LET ME GET SOME SIIIIIIIIIIIP!" Alucard exclaims as he drinks the blood from the goon's head.
"Never get between a man- or woman and their sip." Yang says sagely with a nod.
"Hit the gimp!"
Penny tilts her head in confusion. "What is a gimp?"
"Beats me." Ruby says with a shrug.
The rest of the audience looks at Ruby and Penny with uneasy faces. They all come to a silent agreement to NOT let the Red Reaper and former android know the meaning of the term.
One by one, Alucard massacres Richard's men. Causing the man to scream fearfully. Before he can shoot Alucard, the vampire king severs his hand.
"He must've been starved for years." Ozpin says in astonishment. "To think that that little amount of Winter's blood revitalized him so."
Alucard growls as he approaches Winter. Though she may be terrified of her savior, Winter bravely grabs on of the goon's guns and points it at Alucard.
"I don't care if you are my father's gimp vampire boyfriend, YOU STAY BACK!"
"Buzzkill." Cinder mutters.
"Oh... So, Jacque's an ACTUAL Daddy now?"
Yang looks at Weiss with a cheeky grin. The former heiress glares at the blonde.
"Don't even think about it." Weiss says coolly.
"Well, he... he WAS..."
Alucard gives a bloody grin at Winter. "Ooh, don't tell me! Arthur died and made YOU the successor." Alucard glances at Richard's slumped form. "And that dick over there is trying to MURDER you?"
"Huh. That pretty much sums it up." Roman says.
"Actually... Yeah, that's plot synopsis basically."
"So then..." Alucard quickly rushes to Winter, who still holds him at gunpoint. "How do you want to handle this?"
Winter stares at Alucard for a moment before narrowing her eyes. "...You work for me now."
"Ballsy." Yang says with a grin.
Alucard grins in amusement as he lowers his head towards Winter's gun. "Ohhh?"
"I am Winter Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing. Of the Hellsing organization. If you served my father... you serve ME."
"All right then... But I require long walks at night."
"Of course." Blake says as she rolls her eyes.
Alucard rises from his position.
"Will you behave yourself?"
"Well..." The audience says.
"Eh, more or less. And in return..."
Winter turns slightly to see her uncle pointing a gun at her!
"DIE!"
Richard shoots at Winter. Only for Alucard to block the bullet with his arm.
"I will protect you with my lives."
Winter uses Alucard's arm to steady her aim as she points her gun at her uncle. "Then your first order is: Keep your arm steady."
Richard panics. "No... No! NO!"
Winter shoots her former uncle.
The audience is stunned by Winter's first act as the new Hellsing head.
"...Blimey. That was badass." Neo says in astonishment.
"So that's how they met." Pyrrha says.
"Now, let's hope Ozpin has an explanation on why he's turning traitor." Yang says with a small glare at Ozpin.
"Looks like you're in the doghouse... Again." Oscar thinks.
"Woof." Ozpin thinks with a slump.
[Present]
"Ozpin!" Alucard says with a growl. He then inhales sharply. "How ya doin', buddy?" Alucard looks at the now younger butler and compares him to how he looked previously. "You look... Moisturized? Ya get some work done?"
"Oh, he is mad." Jaune says. "Just holding it in right now."
"Why IS he younger now?" Ruby asks.
"Take a wild guess, Red." Roman says with his arms folded.
"I HAVE been seeing a doctor... And he's administered a rather... unorthodox treatment."
"As in DOKTOR Doctor?" Weiss asks.
Ruby pales as she now understands what Ozpin has done. "...Ohhh no...!"
"Shot in the dark: Was it vampire DNA?"
"It was a spa day, a deep tissue massage and a face mask... Of vampire DNA."
"So, he's a vampire now?" Yang asks.
"Not quite." Penny says. "Remember, the White Fang are composed of artificial vampires. It is likely that they used the same methods to enhance Ozpin."
Blake gasp in shock and realization. "Corsac and Fennec had too much knowledge on the layout of the Hellsing manor. Could Ozpin have been a traitor since then?"
"Possibly even before then." Salem says as she grins at a despairing Ozpin. "It's likely that Ozma had sided with the White Fang since their apparent defeat in WW2. After all, despite the Schnee's uncle's coup, it WAS a bit strange for Ozma to be missing at the time."
The rest of the audience turn to glare at the reincarnated wizard. Said wizard shrinks at everyone's accusing eyes.
Alucard scoffs. "If you wanted one of those you coulda just asked me."
Winter narrows her eyes at Ozpin. "...Ozpin."
Ozpin raises an eyebrow. "Ma'am?"
"I'm saying this out of courtesy. IF you've betrayed us, I will PERSONALLY mount your head over a urinal in our men's room."
"THAT explains the third-floor restrooms!" Velvet exclaims. "...Which are now, currently, in the first floor restrooms..."
"Damn! She wasn't kidding!?" Roman exclaims.
"Now, now now. Before we start throwing around words, like "Betrayal" or "Cucked", let's let Ozpin explain himself." Alucard says.
"I'm betraying you." Ozpin says bluntly.
"Aw, you CUCK!"
"Aw, you CUCK!" The audience, minus Ozpin and Salem say along with Alucard.
"Is he just using words he learned on social media again?" Velvet asks.
Winter clenches her fists. "You treasonous little DISHWASHER! After all these years, you're STABBING US in the back! And for what?!"
"I'M just doing my job, MA'AM. What YOU fail to understand is that I am a Butler SECOND and a Vampire Hunter FIRST."
"All this, just because you wanted to stab Alucard?" Weiss asks incredulously.
Enraged by Ozpin's desiccation of Tyrian's body, Cinder charges forward with the intent to kill the former butler.
"Omae wa dochira mou inai! (You are neither!) Omae wa... (You are...)" Cinder slashes Ozpin. "Omae wa mou shindeiru. (You are already dead.)"
Cinder smirks. "What do you know. I killed him again."
"Hai, omae da... demo, watashi wa? (I know you are, but what am I?)"
Cinder's attack proves ineffective thanks to Ozpin's wires protecting him. Ozpin then retaliates by using his wires to turn Cinder into confetti.
"THE FUCK!?" Cinder exclaims incredulously.
"Don't go all to pieces, Cindy." Roman says with a cheeky smirk.
"BURN, BITCH!" Neo exclaims while high-fiving Roman.
"RRROOOMAAAAAAN!" Cinder exclaims.
Enraged by Cinder's death, Emerald draws her gun and points it at Ozpin. "CINDER!"
Cinder's rage diminishes as she blinks in confusion. Not expecting Emerald's devotion to her being so strong.
Before Emerald can shoot Ozpin, a gun barrel is pressed against her cheek. She looks to her left to see the Captain pointing his gun at her. "...Your gun looks ridiculo-"
The Captain shoots Emerald in the mouth.
"DAMN!" (R)WBY and J(N)P(R) exclaims in shock.
"Well... she wasn't wrong." Ruby says hesitantly.
"FUCK! In ze FUCKING MOUTH!?How will I eat scwabischer zwiebelkuchen?!(Onion and bacon pie) And drink Weihenstephaner Hefeweibbier?! (Brand of wheat beer from Germany) And sing "Halt dich an deiner Liebe fest?! (German song by Rio Reiser)"
Yang blinks owlishly. "...Those were words." Yang turns to Weiss. "Weiss, you're German. Translate, please."
"Lies ein Buch, Dummkopf. (Read a book, stupid.)" Weiss says in annoyance.
The Captain tosses a first aid kit to Emerald."...Is he telling me clean myself up?" The Captain then leaves. "At least pay my cab fare you MUTE SHIT-HEEL!"
The surviving members of Tyrain's Iscariot cell come to Emerald's aid.
"Ma'am, are you alright?"
"I'm FINE!" Emerald says with a slur. "How is CINDER?! Can we save her?"
The Iscariot members glance at Cinder's remains. "Like... in Tupperware containers? ...Because I didn't bring any."
"As much as I hate to say this, especially in Cinder's defense, that was in terrible taste." Yang says with a frown.
"Damn him..." Emerald growls before she repeatedly slams her fist on the ground. "DAMN HIM! He SHOULD HAVE KILLED ME! Zhen Cinder and I could be together again... Forever!"
Cinder, Ruby, Weiss, Penny and Blake blush at the implication of Emerald's words. Those who are shameless perverts simply grin perversely.
"Hot." Neo says with a grin.
"Were you two... lesbia-"
Emerald uses the bandages in the first aid kit to wrap up her face. "Zhe bible says a Man should not lay with another MAN as he vould a voman."
"...Still not herin' a no~" Neo says.
Cinder quickly rises out of her chair. "Politan, I swear I will-"
"Aw, cram it, Cindy." Blaze interrupts. "I've already seen YOUR internet history."
Cinder blinks before her face turns bright red in embarrassment. She then slowly sits back in her chair as she quietly fumes. Salem shakes her head at her maiden with a sigh.
"Ohhh I get it"
"Yeah, that makes sense."
"Wait, so it's kosher as long as I'm not fucking a dude in the vagina?"
Blake hurriedly scribbles a few notes down. All while panting slightly with a blush on her face.
"Now with the chaff out of the way... How about we finish what we started fifty years ago?" Ozpin says as his wires wave around him menacingly.
"Hold that thought Ozpin!" Alucard turns to Winter. He then kneels before her. "Winter. I want to hear you say it. I. NEED. To HEAR IT."
Winter pauses for a moment before lighting a cigar.
"Well, come on! Don't blue-ball him." Yang says.
"Heh. Not high enough for this shit." Roman says before light a cigar of his own.
Winter takes a long drag of her cigar. After a few moments, she crushes the cigar between her fingers and throws the remainder away. "FUCK HIM IN THE VAGINA!"
"OH SHIT!" The audience exclaims in excitement.
Alucard clenches his fist as faces Ozpin. "HahaHAHAHAHAHA! ALRIGHT! But I'm gonna have to MAKE one."
Before Alucard and Ozpin can have their epic battle, everyone pauses as a familiar looking blimp enters the area.
"Hold on a moment." The Major says from the speakers. "Ze frauleins might want to take a step back! You're in zhe splash zone~"
"Oh, come ON!" Yang exclaims.
"What did he mean by that?" Ruby asks with an uncomfortable expression.
"Ya, I'm getting balls like a Smurf here." Alucard says in annoyance.
The blimp lands right next to the battleground. The doors open to reveal Blake.
"Come ladies~ Let's let zhe boys have zheir fun~"
"SHUT the FUCK UP!" Blake exclaims.
"Wow, she really hates this version of herself." Ruby mutters with a sweat drop.
Winter pauses for a moment before moving towards the blimp. "Velvet, come."
"Master..." Velvet says as she looks at Alucard with concern.
"Go with Mommy, Velvet. Daddy's got work to do."
"Oh my~" Neo says with a grin.
"...Am I your child in this scenario?"
"Velvet, our group relationship can best be summarized as "Tags on PornHub." Now GO."
Yang blinks with a slight blush. "PornHub's still a thing?"
"Fine, DAD." Velvet says. She then turns towards Ozpin with a sad frown. Seeing his former charges expression actually breaks Ozpin's composure. "And to YOU, Ozpin C. Dornez. ...Thank you for the cannon."
Ozpin closes his eyes. He then gives a small genuine smile. "And thank you for your service... Velvet Scarlatina."
"So, despite everything, he still cared about Winter and Velvet." Weiss says with a sad frown.
"Guess he didn't expect to get attached." Jaune says.
"That may be true. But you're forgetting-" Cinder says.
"You're still a right bellend though." Velvet says before rushing after Winter.
"True that." Neo says.
Blake greets the two members of Hellsing. "Everyone aboard the SS Schutzstaffel. Or as ve like to call it, zhe SS SS-"
Winter pulls a gun out of her coat and shoots Blake without any hesitation. She and Velvet board the blimp and proceed to confront the Major.
"Boom. Headshot." Blake says with a slight grin.
"You do know he'll be back, right?" Yang asks.
Blake slumps in despair. "I know."
With no more distractions, Alucard and Ozpin begin their showdown. The No Life King vs the Angel of Death.
"So, how are we gonna do this?" Alucard asks. "You gonna come at me? Should I come at you? Should we come together? Oh, at the same time?"
Ozpin continues to stay silent.
"Oh, you'll come." Alucard says before rushing towards Ozpin. THEY ALWAYS COME!"
The two fighters lunge towards each other. Alucard tries to impale Ozpin with his hand, only for his arm to be torn off by Ozpin's wires. The former butler jumps back to gain some distance.
Alucard grunts as his arm regenerates. "Okay, at LEAST make a joke about getting a han-dDYYYYY!" Alucard is cut off as Ozpin wraps his wires around Alucard's leg and flings him into a building. Ozpin then proceeds to drag his foe through the building. "I FEEL LIKE WE'RE NOT ON THE SAME WAVELENGTH!"
"Hmm. Not IN-accurate." Ozpin says nonchalantly.
"Ozpin's actually beating him!" Pyrrha says in shock.
"Those wires prevent him from getting close!" Penny says.
Ozpin pulls back on his wires and throws Alucard to the ground.
"SHIIIIT!" Alucard exclaims as he falls. A dust cloud forms and from out of hit, Alucard manifests his loyal Hell Hound Baskerville. "Hey, you ever heard of UPDOG?"
Baskerville lunges at Ozpin with the intent of ripping him to pieces. Ozpin calmly slices the Hell Hound in half with his wires.
"Not much... How bout you?" Ozpin asks.
"DOGGY NO!" Ruby and Weiss exclaim while holding each other. The two then realize their positions and quickly separate with a blush.
As a mass of shadowy eyes, Alucard sneaks up behind Ozpin with Jackal pointed at him. "First you kill my DOG, then you Anti my fucking joke?!" Before Alucard can shoot Ozpin, Jackal suddenly explodes! Taking Alucard's hand with it. "Oh, FUCK!"
"Wire" you getting so upset?" Ozpin asks.
"He's got no chill!" Yang exclaims.
Seeing her ex's counterpart systematically take down Alucard causes Salem to smirk while unconsciously rubbing her legs. Cinder glances at her mistress and raises and eyebrow in confusion.
Alucard regenerates his limb as Ozpin approaches him. His wires poised to attack. "Okay. I know it's FILTHY RICH coming from ME. But ya powers are BULLSHIT!"
"Never thought I'd see someone out bullshit than a vampire." Roman says as Neo shoves handful of popcorn in her mouth. Her eyes never leaving the screen.
From out of the remains of Baskerville, a familiar figure rises up.
"Corsac's still alive?!" Blake exclaims in shock.
"I thought he was dog food!" Yang exclaims.
[Quick cut to Adam and Merlot watching the battle]
"Hold on is zhat- Oh, I know it, I know it... Eh, didn't we send him on a mission?" Adam says as he struggles to remember Corsac.
"Hmm... That's one of the Albain's." Merlot says.
"Ah, zat funny one who svore a lot!"
"Aye, nein. That was his Bruder."
[Back on the battlefield]
"I... I'm alive?" Corsac asks in astonishment. "Seems like things are looking up for THIS Albain-"
Corsac is interrupted as Ozpin uses his wires to take control of Baskerville AND by extension HIM.
"Ozpin can control people with his wires NOW?!" Ruby asks in shock.
"MY wires didn't work like that!" Penny says.
"It must be his power!" Yang says. "I mean all the other vampires had powers that work like a Semblance!"
"...That might be the smartest thing I've heard you say, Yang." Weiss says in shock.
"HEY!" Yang exclaims indignantly.
[Quick cut to Adam and Merlot]
"Ah it was Corsac!" Adam says.
"Ahhh..."
[Back on the battlefield]
"Time to put this dog on a leash." Ozpin says.
"Ohhh, Daddy~" Salem, Cinder and Neo mutter perversely.
Ozpin commands Baskerville to attack his master. Dragging a screaming Corsac with him.
With his right arm, along with his lower body, caught in Baskerville's jaws, Alucard uses his teeth to prime Casull. "No, Mama! He was MY dawg! I'LL do it!"
Alucard puts his dog down.
Blaze grunts. "Going the way of Old Yeller."
"Who?" Ruby asks in confusion.
"Sad story about a dog." Blaze says sharply. "Let's just leave it at that."
"I'm sure you're wondering why I went through all of this." Ozpin says. "Why I abandoned my home and duty, JUST to kill you?"
"Oh, because you want to fuck me." Alucard says with a grin.
Ozpin spits out his coffee. "W-what the devil...!"
"My my, Ozma. I wasn't aware you played for the same team." Salem says with a grin. "Weren't you a woman in a past life? If you had seeked me out, I'm sure we could've worked something out."
The audience, baring Blaze, is shocked by Salem's statement. More so Cinder.
"Wait, WHAT?!" Oscar exclaims. "I don't remember seeing THAT memory!"
"F-first; We're not together anymore!" Ozpin exclaims with a stammer. "Second; I was going through a phase!"
The audience blinks owlishly at Ozpin's admittance of Salem's statement. The more perverse members of the group tried to imagine the scenario, only for their heads to be blown back due to a massive nosebleed.
Ozpin pauses for a moment before using his wires to cut Alucard into so many pieces that only his head and torso remain.
"A simple no would've sufficed." Neo says after recovering from her nosebleed.
[With Winter and Velvet]
Explosions echo behind Winter as she makes her way down the hall. Even so, the Hellsing heiress continues undaunted. The remaining White Fang vampires try to stop Winter's approach.
"Fire!"
The vampires shoot Winter, only for Velvet to protect her. She then zips forward and begins to exterminate the vampires. One manages to avoid Velvet's assault, only to be cut down by Winter's sword.
"You seem so angry... But you'd be so much prettier... If you smiled more." A WF vampires says as he devolves into deranged giggles.
Velvet waste no time cutting the vampire down. Who proves he was insane due to dying with a smile on his face.
"Bloody mad, the lot of them." Neo says.
"These fools die with a smile on their face." Winter says. "Their religion is death and carnage. A cult of nihilism."
"Then I'll be their FUCKING KOOL-AID!" Velvet exclaims.
"Ah. I used to LOVE Kool-Aid." Blaze says with a sigh in remembrance. "Then they got rid of the GOOD flavors. ...I miss my cherry limeade..."
"Fun Fact!" Adam says over the P.A. In Jonestown it was actually mostly Flavor Aid, a less popular competing brand. Let me assure you though. We are not here for cyanide und valium. Ve are here... for GLORY! After the var, ve vere ousted und scorned. Nuremberg REALLY wanted to settle the score zhere. We lost our purpose, but VORSE? Ve lost our CHANCE at za one TRUE GIFT that could be AWARDED men like us! A true GLORYFUL death!" As Adam continues, explosions sound throughout the blimp. "Wizhout glory our deaths would be MEANINGLESS. So in zhis towering vall of civilization of peace und stagnation, ve had to break THROUGH!" The Captain appears down the hall. "Little by little ve carved avay und finally! We could see our GLORY on zhe other side. ZHERE with vicious steel und crimson heart stood HELLSING! So Danke Schoen, dear frauleins, for finally giving us zhe happy ending we so desperately craved. From our majestic... Glory Hole."
The audience pauses as they take time to digest Adam's speech.
"...Anyone else think that speech was pure cringe?" Blaze asks with a deadpan.
The Remnantians offer various forms of agreement.
"And there it is." Winter says with narrowed eyes.
"Hey, I give it an 8/10."
"Wait a minute, was that Coco!?" Weiss asks in surprise.
Velvet jumps slightly in surprise. "Coco? W-was that Coco?"
"Oh, sweetie, no. Coco's dead."
"I SWEAR I just heard 'er."
"Hmm." The Captain... says?
"Maybe it was that guy." Winter says.
"I kind of doubt it...?" Velvet says.
"Well, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to find out if my sword will fit in the Major's "Glory Hole." Winter says before grabbing a cigar. "Do me a favor and clean up the rest of this mess."
The Captain points to a German "No Smoking" sign. "Mmh."
"Fucking- Nazis about EVERYTHING." Winter growls as she gets rid of her cigar as she leaves.
"Well, the blimp's already burning, so..." Yang says.
"...You wouldn't happen to be French, would you?" Velvet asks.
"Mm-mm."
"...Didn't think so."
"Now is Velvet vs Sun." Jaune says.
Velvet picks up two machine guns with her feet, molds her shadowy arm so that she can hold one of them and fires at Sun. The Captain retaliates by shooting his gun at Velvet. Seeing that bullets aren't working, Velvet charges through the flames. Only to be blindsided by Sun's coat. Revealing his physique.
"Oh my Brothers, you can grind meat on those." Yang says with a little drool coming out her mouth.
With Velvet wrapped up in Sun's coat, the Captain shoots Velvet.
"AGH! Oh- did you just shoot me with a-" Sun shoots Velvet again. "AGH- MOTHER FUCKER!"
Velvet shreds Sun's coat. The Captain jumps back with Velvet in pursuit. Velvet tries to attack with her shadows, only to be repelled by a white aura coming off of Sun.
Velvet looks on in shock as Sun reveals he's...
"Fuck me jogging- He's a NAZI FUCKING WEREWOLF!?"
"Hello!" Yang exclaims while at the edge of her seat.
The newly discovered werewolf lunges at Velvet. Knocking her back into a wall. He then leaps into the air and pounces on Velvet. Sending her crashing down into the lower levels of the blimp. The Captain lands soon after.
"He stuck the landing." Jaune says.
Neo holds up a sign that says 10 that she got from... somewhere.
"Coco was right. This is... SO much worse."
As Velvet fades into unconsciousness, a cigarette is suddenly lit.
"I'd call him a wolf in sheep's clothing, but he's dressed like a Nazi so..."
"He's a fucking Nazi." Velvet says as she regains consciousness thanks to a familiar voice. "Also... hi?"
"It really IS Coco!" Ruby exclaims.
"But HOW?" Jaune asks.
Sun launches a kick at Velvet, who nearly avoids by jumping away.
"Ca fait longtemps, ma chere! (Long time, no see, my dear!)
"Coco?! Why are you-"
"When you took my blood, you had my consent. Thus- I am part of you now, Velvet."
"She became her Familiar!" Weiss exclaims in realization.
"Only she NOT a Ghoul!" Blake says.
Velvet's shocked look slowly morphs into a grin. "So... you're finally inside of me. ...How does it feel~?"
Coco giggles suggestively. "Let's put a pin in zat. First, let put down "Kibbles n' Bitch" over there."
Velvet launches a kick at Sun, who avoids it by leaning backwards. As she lands, Velvet sends her shadows through the floor to pierce the Captain. He appears dead, only to vanish in a ethereal mist.
"OKAY! Someone get a freakin' rulebook!" Neo exclaims in frustration. "'Ow's THAT fair?!"
"So, he's also a ghost?! What the FUCK?"
The Captain reforms and lands on top of Velvet's shadow as it rains various currency.
"Look at all that cash." Roman says with a whistle. "They must've had a killer retirement plan."
"To bad they're never gonna use it." Neo says.
"Hopefully it's put towards rebuilding London." Weiss says.
"Allons, ma chere! (Come now, my dear!) The only way to kill a werewolf is a silver bullet."
"Awh, THAT'S a shame, I left all me silver bullets back home. Literally."
"There's another way, but... it's pretty gross."
Velvet gasp as she feels something in her right hand. She opens it to reveal a silver tooth!
"...Oh, my God..."
"Welcome to ze First White National Bank of ze Schutzstaffel. Gold, silver, copper from air conditioners... And zhey think zhey are too big to fail. But all WE have to do is shove ZAT in his heart!"
Velvet smirks. "Then it's time I showed this Nazi Werewolf in London where he can STICK IT!"
"HA!" Blaze exclaims at the familiar "An American Werewolf in London" reference.
Sun morphs into his wolf form and lunges at Velvet. The Police Girl blocks the attack but is sent crashing into a wall.
"He HIT you! What are you going to do about it?!" Coco asks.
"Hit him HARDER!" Yang exclaims.
Velvet gives a feral grin. "Hit 'im HARDER!"
Velvet uses her shadow hand to lift a torpedo from inside the blimp!
"WOW!" Ruby and Penny exclaim in excitement and awe.
"Holy shit, it's almost as big as my love for you~"
"You mean your nonexistent erection?"
"Zat is what I call it, Oui~"
With a guttural yell, Velvet throws the torpedo at Sun... who yeets it away with a kick. Causing the missile to explode. From out of the smoke, Velvet launches a diving kick at the Captain before transitioning into a punch with her shadow hand. The Captain retaliates with a punch of his own and the two exchange a few punches. Sun destroys Velvet's right hand, which quickly reforms. He then launches a spin kick at Velvet, only for the Police Girl to grab his leg with her TEETH!
"This fight is AMAZING!" Yang exclaims.
"Sorry. This Red Riding Hood bites BACK!" Velvet says with her teeth clenched on Sun's leg. Who doesn't seem bothered by it.
"Oohhh! I might use that!" Ruby says.
Velvet's shadow's creep along Sun's body. Trapping him in place. From out of Velvet's shadowy hand, Coco appears! She tosses the silver tooth into the air and catches it between her fingers.
"Tres desole, Grand Mechant Loup! (Very sorry, Big Bad Wolf!) Coco plunges the silver tooth into Sun's heart. "Huff and Puff and Blow me."
The audience groans at Coco's bad pun. Even Yang.
Sun collapses on the ground. Strangely, he then smiles before letting out a cartoonishly high-pitched squeal as he dies in blue flames. Coco then fades away into Velvet's chest.
"Huff and Puff and Blow-" THAT was the best you had?"
"I had one for Red Riding Hood, but zhen you said yours."
"Good! Your's was probably gross anyway." Velvet turns around and proceeds to find Winter. "Also, get out of me boob!"
"But zhere's so much space in here!"
"OH MY~!" Neo and Yang exclaim.
"I WILL GET A HOSE!" Blaze exclaims.
"...Killjoy..." Neo and Yang mutter as they sulk.
[Meanwhile with Alucard and Ozpin]
The battle between Alucard and Ozpin appears to have reached the end. Ozpin is exhausted with blood running down his lip and his hair undone. His monocle falls to the ground as he pants. As for Alucard? Well, there wasn't much of his body remaining. It appears that his regeneration is failing. What IS left of him is trapped in Ozpin's wires.
"Oh. So much stuff has happened, I almost forgot about these two." Pyrrha says.
Ozpin grunts as he falls to a knee. "Of course... It always has to be about you, doesn't it?" Ozpin glares at what remains of Alucard. "Your constant need for validation. For attention. Like a screaming child...!" Ozpin rises to his feet and picks up a metal pipe. He then walks slowly towards Alucard. "To think someone so JUVENILE could be so POWERFUL- SICKENS me to my core. Which is exactly why one must spare the child... Which is exactly why one must spare the child... and SPOIL the ROD!" Ozpin impales Alucard with the pipe.
"Huh. Vald the Impeller impaled." Roman muses. "Irony."
"...Qrow can't be dead... right?" Ruby asks hopefully.
"Congratulations, Ozma. You finally achieved your goal." Salem says with a cheeky smirk.
Ozpin stares at his foe for a moment before noticing that something is wrong. "Wait...!"
Alucard suddenly fades away to reveal Corsac in his place!
"Corsac?" Blake asks.
"Looks like someone just got pranked." Jaune says.
Ozpin takes a few steps back in horror as Corsac fades away. He then gasps when he feels a hand on his shoulder.
"After all these years ya finally get to stick it in me... ...and ya put it in the wrong hole."
Ozpin looks behind himself, but is abruptly slugged in the face.
"POW! Right in the kisser!" Blaze says.
Ozpin falls on his butt and clenches his face. Which appears to be smoking. The figure appears to be Alucard by the sound of his voice. But it seems he's used his shapeshifting to become younger. He also wears and all white outfit complete with a large white hat and scarf.
"He's changed again." Cinder says.
"Wait a minute." Weiss says as she examines Alucard's new form. "Wasn't that how Alucard looked in that flashback? Back in WW2?"
"But that would mean he is female now." Penny says.
"So, he's a chick now?" Yang asks. "Wonder how he looks."
"Funny YOU'D be the one to asks that." Blaze thinks with a small smirk.
"Oh, look at you. You've gone from Daddy to "Daddie~" And all because ya wanted this!"
Ozpin glares intensely at Alucard after seeing the form the vampire has taken. He then suddenly become younger.
"Hey, what happened?" Ruby asks. "How'd he get younger?"
"Merlot's procedure was rushed." Blaze says. "That combined with Alucard's punch caused Ozpin to regress."
"And here it is folks! The return of..."
"Bite your fucking tongue!" Ozpin says in a younger voice.
"JOLLY-OZZY~! OH, how many years has it been~?"
"Oh, god's damn it..." Ozpin thinks as he slumps in embarrassment. He then glances at his ex to see her grinning at him.
"FUCK YOU, THAT NICKNAME WAS NEVER CLEVER!
"Aw, Jolly-Ozzy doesn't like his nickname~? *Gasp* Jolly-Ozzy's being a sad lad~"
"FUCK!"
"Wow. Ozpin's been pretty calm since this all began." Weiss says. "It's strange seeing him swear like this."
"What I wanna know is why Alucard's face is STILL shadowed!" Yang exclaims.
"Awh~! But if only we have the opportunity~! Coulda avoided all the sexual tension and treachery."
"Excuse me?!"
The shadows around Alucard's face slowly fade. "Please, we both know the reason you sold your soul's because you never got to hear: *In a young female's voice* ~*Ahh, Ozpin-san Daisuke desu~!*~ (Ahh, Mister Ozpin! I love it very much!) *Normal voice* Hehe-haha! Y'know, I mean, unironically."
The audience pauses in shock and surprise at Alucard's face reveal.
"...Is that... RAVEN BRANWEN!?" Weiss exclaims.
"He looked like HER back then!?" Jaune asks incredulous.
"...Oh... FUCK." Cinder says numbly.
"Well, to be fair, Qrow and Raven are twins so..." Penny says before trailing off.
Ruby glances at Yang. "Yang?"
Yang stares wide-eyed at the image of Alucard wearing her mother's face. What's worse, he/she looked like a damn Loli! Suddenly, a flash goes off. Revealing Blaze took a picture of Yang's expression.
"Heh heh. Priceless." Blaze says with a smile.
Blake waves her hand in front of her partner. Getting no reaction whatsoever. Making the cat Faunus worried. "Guy's, I think we broke her!"
"Cut it out." Ozpin growls.
"That's right! It's a Blast from your Past with that Sass and LOLI ASS~!" Alucard says with some dramatic poses. "Am I... Moé enough for you~?"
"Why can't you take this SERIOUSLY?!"
"Because THAT'S what you WANT. And I'm NOT going to give it to you. ...That or my pussy. But really, you're dodging a bullet there." Alucard grins. "ROWS of teeth."
EW!" The females, barring Yang who is still stunned, exclaim in disgust.
"For the love of-"
"Like a shark!"
"ARGHHH!"
The screen turns black. Ending the showing.
"Well. That was SOME episode." Blaze says cheerfully. "Only one more to go before we're done with the Hellsing universe."
"...Yang? Are you okay?" Ruby asks in concern as she continues to try to get Yang to snap out of it.
"Eh, she'll be fine when we get started on the last episode." Blaze waves off.
And done! Gotta say, episodes 8, 9 and 10 were my favorite episodes in Hellsing Abridged. Only one more to go. Like I said, after Hellsing is finished, I'll be working on my other stories. Again, thanks for suggesting Alucard look like Raven back in WW2, thewittywhy. When I read your comment, the scene pretty much wrote itself.
Until next time, ja nee!