Here we are! Welcome to the final chapter of RWBY Across the Multiverse's Hellsing universe! Let's bring this Party Party Party to a close! Adam, you're on!
Adam: Guten Tag~! Zhe following is a fan-based parody. Hellsing Ultimate is owned by Kōta Hirano und Studio Madhouse und licensed by Geneon, Madman Entertainment, Manga Entertainment und Funimation. RWBY is owned by Rooster Teeth Productions. Please support zhe official release
After seeing Alucard wearing the face of her mother, Yang has been in a catatonic state ever since. Nothing Ruby, Blake or anyone did was able to snap her out of it.
"Yang! Please, wake up!" Ruby says as she frantically waves her hand in front of her sister.
Yang continues to remain motionless as she stares, wide eyed into space.
Blaze rubs the back of his head. "Wow. I knew seeing Alucard as a lolified Raven would shock her, but this is ridiculous."
Neo walks over to Yang and snaps her fingers right in front of the blonde brawler. But to no effect.
"Huh." Neo says. "If I had me umbrella, I'd smack her in the face. Though, that'd count as violence, wouldn't it?"
"It'd be simpler to just remove that policy." Salem says.
"And let you and Cindy off your metaphorical leashes?" Blaze asks rhetorically. "Not happening. We'll just have to go with plan c."
"What's that?" Jaune asks.
Blaze materializes a pair of scissors and holds them in front of Yang's face. Seeing the scissors, team RWBY, Jaune, Pyrrha, Penny and Ozpin look on in shock and worry.
"Yang..." Blaze says slowly. "Snap out of it... or I'm giving you a bowl cut."
Yang stands still for a moment before registering Blaze's threat and the scissors. She blinks and her eyes turn red with fury. With a yell, Yang lunges at Blaze, only to be repelled by the barrier. Blake quickly catches her partner before she can fall to the ground.
"Annnnd she's back!" Blaze says cheerfully.
"ARE YOU CRAZY!?" Ruby and Jaune exclaim incredulously.
"What?" Blaze asks as the scissors vanish. "It worked, didn't?"
Yang moans as she shakes her head. "Huh? What happened?"
"You saw Alucard turn into a loli version of her mother and went catatonic." Blaze says bluntly.
Yang pales as she recalls the event. "...Oh."
"Anyway! This is the last showing of Hellsing." Blaze says. "So, everyone return to your seats so we can end this party."
Everyone follows Blaze's order and sits back in their seats as the show begins.
[Open with Girlycard and Kid Ozpin]
"Let me see if I get the grand scheme here, Benjamin Butthole." Alucard says. "The Jerrys thought that if I purged all my souls, I wouldn't have my #Lifehack and at least *one* of you could kill me. So, when the "very fine" people of the White Fang military, those KKK-lookin' sons of bitches and Tyrian MOTHERFUCKING Callows couldn't do the job, you thought you… …you were the guy. But quick question, Jolly-Ozzy: How many people lived in London?" Alucard holds his/her hand up as his/her crest appears before seemingly bleeding. "Or rather… died? Let's take a census!"
[Cue Party Party Party (Fauxchestral)]
Suddenly, the blood form all those killed in London converge on one location. Alucard's. While this was happening, the Major was monitoring the event.
"Okay, that is freaking terrifying!" Jaune exclaims.
"They're like rivers..." Ruby says with a shiver.
"Of death!" Neo exclaims.
"LET ME GET SOME SIPP!"
[Cut to the Control Room of the SS Schutzstaffel]
The monitor's part as Winter walks in. Her target? The Major himself.
"Ah, willkommen!", said zhe spider to zhe fly. Although I'd say you're more of a hornet-"Adam is cut off as Winter shoots him. Unfortunately for the Hellsing heiress, the Major is protected by a reinforced glass wall. Even seeing that her bullets aren't working, Winter continues her barrage. Causing the Major togiggle. "And unlike it's modest brother, zhe bee, zhe hornet does not die after it has stu-"*More gunshots*"It guards it's nest with zhe ferocity and the tenacity of a-"*Even more gunshots*"-OF A MOTHER WHO IS PROTECTING HER CHILD!"
With no more bullets, Winter pulls out her sword and lunges at the Major. Unfortunately, her sword breaks upon impacting the glass wall.
"If the gun didn't work, why would your sword?" Roman asks patronizingly.
"Quiet you!" Weiss says defending her sister's counterpart.
"Okay, if zhe bullets veren't going to work, zhen vhy vould the sword?"
"YOU COWARD!"
"Ah, ve all have our shields~ Some of us have tempered glass, others have the King of Vampires…" Adam pulls out a remote and presses a button. "Speaking of whom…"
Winter blinks in confusion before turning to the monitor. Which reveals Alucard cackling maniacally as he begins to absorb the blood he/she's gathered. "Oh, Jesus…"
"Someone's on a binge after purging and it seems like our dear Alucard is looking to get vhite-girl-vasted. Let's hope that nobody spiked his drink, ja."
"What did he mean by that?" Weiss mutters.
[Battlefield]
Some yards away, Blake is seen standing on top of a tower. He then pulls out a knife... and slices his own head off! His remains falling in the bloody river.
"HOLY SHIT!" The Remnantians exclaim in shock.
"Why did I- HE do that!?" Blake asks.
Penny, being a former android and thus knowing a lot of things, narrows her eyes in thought. After a few moments, her eyes widen in realization and horror.
"Oh no...!" Penny whispers with her hands over her mouth.
"Look at me, Ozpin!" Alucard exclaims. "I'm sucking everyone but you! So, in cell-ebration of your wasted attempts, I'm going to give you the little death you deserve." Alucard strikes a pose. "And before you ask… YES! This IS a JoJo reference!"
"JoJo?" Ruby asks with her head tilted.
Blaze groans while shaking his head. "Yare yare daze."
Unseen by anyone but Cinder, Salem giggles at the dug of her ex's counterpart.
"I gave up everything to kill you!" Ozpin exclaims defiantly. He then rushes towards Alucard with his wires primed. "So just lie back… AND THINK OF HELL!"
Ozpin slashes at Alucard. Splitting his former partner in two. However, with all the blood and souls the vampire has absorbed, Alucard quickly regenerates.
"*In girly voice* Ah, 'yameru', Ozpin! You're splitting me in two! *As Ravencard & Alucard* Now do it another three million times, why doncha?!"
"Damn." The audience says.
Ozpin stares off into space. Disillusioned that he has failed in his goal.
"He's realized it." Salem says with a smirk. She then glances at her ex, who shakes his head ruefully at his counterpart. "You've failed, Ozma."
[Back with Winter and the Major]
"Ah, poor Ozpin..." Adam says. "Each second ticks his life down, all to grasp a victory zhat never belonged to him. A piece of our puzzle… three million, seven hundred and eight thousand, nine hundred und seventeen pieces large. Und now… it falls to Millennium… …to finish it."
"What's going on!?" Winter demands.
Adam laughs. "Fräulein, have you ever heard of Schrödinger's cat?"
"I SHOT Schrödinger's cat!"
"I was afraid of this..." Penny says with a frown.
The Remnantians turn to the former gynoid.
"What do you mean, Penny?" Ruby asks.
"Schrödinger's Cat is an experiment where you put a live cat inside a box with some poison." Penny says.
"Why would anyone do that?" Blake asks in shock.
"Probability." Penny says. "You can neither confirm nor deny that the cat is dead until you open the box. Meaning that the cat is both dead and alive until the box is opened. But there are multiple possibilities to the cats fate." Penny stares at the screen. "If Blake's counterpart is the embodiment of that principle..."
"Indeed! And yet it lives!" Adam says. "And yet it dies. It is here, yet it is not. It is a curious creation, von of infinite possibilities, as long as it remains unobserved. Yet, to consume a zhing is to know a thing. Alucard is now partaking of Varrant Officer Blake Schrödinger's paradoxical existence und as our dear cat-boy stares into the abyss zhat is within Alucard… …zhat abyss. Stares. Back." As the Major continues, back at the battlefield, Alucard's eyes widen. "The vave function collapses… uncertainty becomes certainty… the proverbial coin flips… und~.…"
Alucard stares off into space with wide eyes. "Am I a bad person?"
Suddenly, Alucard vanishes.
"What happened?!" Ruby exclaims.
"He's gone!?" Weiss exclaims.
Penny bows her head. "As I feared. Since Blake's counterpart is the embodiment of Schrödinger's cat, he is able to exist as long as he can recognize his existence."
Salem narrows her eyes. "I see now. Because Alucard gains the souls of those he consumes, he gained the boys power."
"But because Schrödinger was absorbed within a literal abyss of souls, he could not recognize his own existence." Ozpin says. "And by extension... Alucard could not either."
Blake looks down in shock. "He... I... did that?"
"ALUCARD!" Winter exclaims. "What did you do!?"
"I CALLED HEADS!" Adam exclaims gleefully.
Another explosion goes off inside the blimp. Destroying the monitors and surrounding Winter and Adam with a raging fire.
Winter turns back to the Major with rage. "Whatever you've done with him... you're not making it out of here alive."
"Avenge or vampcule, Winter!" Ruby and Yang exclaim.
The Major smiles. "Then my last meal… shall be victory!"
Another explosion goes off behind Winter. Within the smoke, Velvet arrives with a riffle in hand.
"Status report: Killed a Nazi werewolf; Coco's inside me."
"I'd make some kind of joke right now, but the situation's too tense." Yang says.
"Ditto." Neo says with a nod.
The rest of the audience glances at the two incredulously.
"He's inside of all of us, Velvet." Winter says. She then turns her attention back to Adam. "Also, where did you find a Nazi werewolf?"
"Vhere did you find Dracula?"
"In a basement."
"How poetic; we found our werewolf in an attic. I mean, we find lots of things in attics."
"Holy shit!" Velvet exclaims.
"Holy shit!" The audience exclaims along with the Police Girl.
"I meant ANTIQUES!" Adam says. He then stands up from his chair. "The Juden vas our Führer's obsession, not mine! Anne Frankly, I'm insulted by the insinuation."
"Velvet!" Winter exclaims.
"Yes, Ma'am!"
Velvet aims her riffle at the Major and open fires. Each shot making a dent in the tempered glass, but not breaking it fully.
"Entschuldigung, mein Fräulein (Excuse me, my dear) …but you're a few dozen millimeters too zhin."
With a snarl, Velvet tosses her riffle aside. She then uses her shadow hand to reach deep within the blimp and pulls out one of the blimps cannons!
Seeing the weapon aimed at him, Adam gives a deranged grin. "Now THAT'S what I'm talking about! COME ON, BITCH! SHOW ME WHAT YOU LOOOOOVE!"
"BITCHES LOVE CANNONS!" The female members, barring Cinder and Salem exclaim.
[With Merlot]
"All these years of progress—ruined! After figuring out I could use zhe bones of Dracula's ex-wife to make vampires… now I have to start AGAIN!" At the same time the Doktor gathers his notes, Velvet fires her cannon. "I can't stay in England OR Germany! I know! I'll go to Russia! They let you get away with anything there! As long as it's not too gay." At the same time, the large shell pierces the glass, hits the major and through the blimp. Hitting a bell outside. "What was zhat? Ah. Probably nothin-" Another explosion occurs. Taking the Doktor with it.
"Qrow's WHAT!?" Yang exclaims in shock.
"He was MARRIED!?" Ruby exclaims in shock.
[With Ozpin]
Back with Ozpin, a makeshift cross is impaled on the battlefield. A symbol of the slain Alucard. Suddenly, the wind picks up, carrying a familiar necktie. Which Ozpin snatches out of the air. He then laughs mirthlessly before breaking down into tears.
"Y-You were right… You were the only thing… I cared about." Ozpin reflects on the choice he made that lid him to this point. "I needed you back… so badly, I let Richard chase Winter right into your arms. But by then… I was past my prime. So, I betrayed them all… My master, my country; I tossed them to the wind… …for one last chance at you. Now I have nothing… but this hole in my-"
Ozpin is suddenly shot in the gut!
"DAMN!" Yang exclaims.
"Who did that?" Jaune asks.
A few feet away, a dark figure rises from the rubble. The figure is revealed to be Emerald. Making her the shooter.
"...Emerald?" Cinder asks with shock and an unknown, to her, emotion.
"When fortune smiles on something as violent and ugly as revenge… it seems proof like no other that not only does God exist, you're doing His will!" Emerald exclaims with a slur thanks to her damaged mouth.
Faced with this new development, Ozpin gives a resigned smile. "Shot in the gut… slumped against a wall… …and executed by some crazy German Catholic bint quoting Kill Bill. Yes… A traitor's death."
Emerald takes aim at Ozpin's face with her riffle. Even in the face of his imminent death, he continues to smile.
"Pop… Pop."
Bang. And thus ends the life... of Ozpin C. Dornez.
The Remnantians are left stunned by Ozpin's death. Ozpin then closes his eyes and bows his head.
"Farewell." Ozpin says. He then gives Oscar control.
Seeing her counterpart's killer get his just deserts, Cinder gives Emerald's counterpart a small smile. She then wipes it off as she begins to think about how she's treated the one person who always stuck by her. Even when Cinder treated her like dirt.
[Back with Winter, Adam and Velvet]
"The gates of Hell will have to swing wide for your fat White Fang carcass." Winter says.
"Ah, Fräulein, if I'm so fat… *With an artificial voice* ...how did you miss?" The smoke clears to reveal Adam... with damaged machine parts!? "…Hah! Never mind! Crack shot, 'damen!' (Crack shot, ladies!)"
"What the HELL!?" Weiss exclaims as she jumps out her seat in shock.
"...Half man... Half machine...?" Pyrrha asks dumbfoundedly.
"...A cyborg?" Penny asks.
The Remnantians round to Blaze. "WHY IS HE A CYBORG?!"
"I DON'T FUCKIN' KNOW!" Blaze exclaims
"I'm sorry; what the fuck am I looking at?" Winter asks in shock and confusion. "Is that… metal and oil? Are you a cyborg? WHY ARE YOU A CYBORG!?"
"*With an artificial voice* I am no less a man then anyone vhis a pacemaker or hearing aid... …for vhat is the marker of a man, but his interminable-"
"NO." Winter interrupts. "A man is a homo sapien made of meat and blood! Not cogs and coolants and- I'm just going to ASSUME- a hamster on a wheel!"
"His name is Hamburg."
Winter stares at the remnants of the Major. "…You're just fucking with me."
"Und you finally get it. I… I zee the line. The factory seal on society. A world mired in complacency. Slaves to their instincts und fueled by anger und hatred! A rocket propellant as volatile as it is potent und frighteningly… self-sustaining."
"Is there a rest stop between now and the fucking point?"
"Ze POINT, Winter Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing, is that ve are nozhing but scared, spiteful children, playing at adulthood; a fictitious lie of comfort und - even more repugnant - complacence! So vhat is a man to do… but vage var so calamitous and glorious… …zhat it would snap humanity out of its foolish, vorthless charade?!" As Adam continues, Winter whips off her coat. "Und who better… an opponent… zhan Hellsing?"
"…Okay; but why are you a CYBORG, though!?"
"THAT'S WHAT WE WANNA KNOW!" The Remnantians exclaim.
"Are you still on that? Okay, it's simple, you see-"
Adam cuts himself off as he pulls out a gun. Seeing the weapon, Winter pulls out a gun as well. Without hesitation from both sides, the two shoot one another. The Major hits Winter in her left eye, while Winter shoots Adam in the head.
Adam lays motionless for a moment before he gives a content sigh. "'Hervorragend...' (Outstanding...) So long… Farewell… Auf Wiedersehen, goodbye… " As the Major continues his song, he closes his eyes and welcomes deaths embrace. " I leave… und heave… A sigh und say goodbye… Gooooooo… " Adam trials off as he powers down into silence. Thus... FINALLY ending the White Fang's tyranny. As promised, Winter recorded the whole exchange for the Queen to hear.
"...It finally over." Weiss says as she slumps into her seat.
"And at the cost of an eye." Roman says.
"Hey, if you ask me, she got off lucky." Yang says while pointing to her robotic arm.
"...Touché." Roman says after a pause.
"You're not entirely wrong… You just didn't have to be such an asshole about it." Winter says while smoking a cigarette.
The fire inside the blimp becomes more feirce. Winter then sighs.
"What's wrong? Is it the eye? Velvet asks.
"That… …And he just ruined 'The Sound of Music' for me."
"For all of us." Blaze thinks.
"So… where's Alucard?" Velvet asks.
"I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA!"
The blimp finally gives way as one final explosion goes off. Just before the fires can consume them, Velvet grabs Winter and flies out of the blimp with her master's master. Some time later, Alucard's coffin is seen under a single block with the mark of Hellsing on it. The only remnants of the vampire remaining.
[30 year's later]
[Newly rebuilt Hellsing Manor]
The birds are chirping and it's a brand-new day. from outside the newly rebuilt Hellsing manor, the sound of metal clanging can be heard. The cause being that two people are fencing inside.
"3,708,917 casualties alone in London that fateful night… Luckily, with help from the Americans, rebuilding hasn't been too difficult." A man says.
"So, this is 30 years after the White Fang invasion." Pyrrha says.
"Weren't the Americans the ones who imploded on themselves?" Roman asks.
"Tell me… How are the Americans doing since... the incident?" A man named Rob asks.
"Well, there was a bit of a stir when they decided that since corporations are people... …they could technically run for president. But President Walt Disney Pepsi Comcast has done wonders for the economy… …being that it is… now the economy."
"Quite. Hold on… Wasn't Winter supposed to join us?"
"She has a meeting with the, uh, Catholics today."
"I see. She's still looking for answers."
[With the fencers]
"And so, after traveling all over Europe and America-Classic and doing countless hours of research in the halls of the Vatican and Wikipedia… we still do not know how or why he was a cyborg."
One of the fencers takes off their helmet. Revealing her to be Winter. Older and with an eyepatch.
"Wow. Even after 30 years, she's still in good shape." Yang says.
"I'm more concerned about the fact that 1; Watts and Hazel are part of the Vatican with Emerald." Oscar says. "And 2; Winter's STILL looking for answers about Adam being a cyborg."
"Can you blame her?" Weiss asks.
The rest of the audience pauses for a moment before shrugging.
"Excuses! Go to America-Zero and don't come back until you've got answers!" Winter says with Velvet nodding behind her.
"Of course, Sir Winter." Watts says with an easy-going shrug.
Hazel sighs as he and Watts leave the room. "I miss Canada…"
Emerald glares at Velvet before joining her comrades. Velvet puckers her lips cheekily in retaliation.
"Wow, Velvet got bold over the years." Yang says.
[With Watts, Hazel and Emerald]
"Sir, didn't we supply the White Fang with the cyborg technology?" Hazel asks.
"Seriously?" Weiss asks.
"First of all—they're "enhanced humans."
"Second—shut your communion hole!" Emerald says. She then places her hand on a wall. "The walls have ears."
Emerald does some damage to the wall. Revealing a mass of shadows, which retreats back to where Winter and the others are.
"Agh! 'Fils d'une pute italienne!' (Son of an Italian whore!)"
"It's Coco!" Ruby says.
"And third of all— NO, WE DIDN'T!" Watts exclaims.
"What in Salem's first-through-fourth Hells was THAT!?" Hazel exclaims.
Salem raises an eyebrow at the mention of her name.
"Something most foul and inhuman… A Madame in love with an Englishvoman." Emerald says.
"I don't get it." Penny says with a head tilt.
"We will continue to leave them alone until this peace treaty has run its course. In the meantime, it puts men on the inside of Hellsing as the Vatican rebuilds." Watts, along with his group continue down the hall. "Also, Emerald, do you need Hazel to change your bandages?"
"No."
"Will you ever change your bandages?"
"No!"
"That can lead to an infection." Oscar says.
"Guess this means Emerald's the new Tyrian." Jaune says.
[Back in the with Winter and company]
"All right, gentlemen; wrap it up and hit the showers." Winter says. She then looks back at her sparring partner. Who has taken his helmet off to reveal a younger looking Ironwood. "And stop bullying Ironwood Jr. Jr."
"Was James a Jr?" Oscar thinks.
"You know, I never asked." Ozpin says.
"I don't want to fence. I want to make reaction videos."
"Never mind; bully him harder!"
"That's mean!" Ruby says.
Ironwood Jr. Jr. runs out of the room sobbing.
Winter sighs. "These are the dullards I leave this organization to when I die."
"Mum, you're 52, British and rich. You'll outlive them all." Velvet says.
"Mum?" Jaune asks.
"Well... Alucard didn't deny bein' daddy." Neo says.
Winter rounds off to Velvet with a twitching eyebrow. "Don't you talk to me about OUTLIVING people, Carmilla! I know you can't see yourself in the mirror, but we both know you haven't aged a day!" Winter walks over to a wall and slumps against it. "And yet every day, I find another wrinkle!"
"Jealous much?" Cinder asks.
"I would hold your hand in public." Ghost Ozpin says before vanishing.
"You know what I think?" Velvet asks with a cheeky grin. She then shapeshifts into Alucard."*Deep voice* I think you're afraid you'll die before he comes back." At the mention of Alucard, Winter kicks Velvet in the face. Undoing her transformation. "Mum! That hurt!"
"We DO NOT talk about him!" Winter exclaims.
"But Mum, he's—"
"A deadbeat who skipped out on us for 30 years and counting!" Winter narrows her eye before pulling on Velvet's cheek. "Speak one more word of him… and I'll lock you in a crate and ship you to Abu Dhabi!"
"No! Not again! Oh, every Monday with you!"
The audience laughs at Winter and Velvet's exchange.
[Later that night]
A red moon shines down on the Hellsing manor. Winter sleeps comfortably in her bed. Unaware of a late night visitor entering her room from the window. Said visitor walks to the side of Winter's bed, eye's her neck and leans down to bite it!
"Oh no!" Ruby exclaims.
"What now!?" Weiss exclaims.
Suddenly, Winter sits up and shoots the intruder with the gun she keeps under her pillow while screaming. Velvet then barges in with her cannons ready. ...Though she forgot her underwear in her rush.
"Sir Winter! I came as fast as I could! I didn't even put panties on! Is everything okay!? Are we ander attack!? DO I HAVE TIME TO GO AND PUT PANTIES ON?!"
"Damn censors!" Yang, Blake and Neo exclaim.
"EW!" The rest of the audience exclaim.
"Don't bother… I'd just charm 'em back off again."
"That voice..." Penny says.
As Winter rushes over to Velvet, the Draculina turns on the lights. Revealing the intruder.
"How are my favorite ladies?"
"VAMPCULE QROW!" Ruby exclaims joyfully.
"He's alive?" Oscar asks. "...Well, by vampire standards anyway.
"Any of you noticed that he has pink eyes now?" Neo asks.
"Master!" Velvet exclaims joyfully.
With the danger gone, Winter relaxes and sit back on her bed. "So… You're finally back after 30 years. How was your walk?"
"Got a little too enthusiastic, and… got a little lost."
"Lost?" Weiss asks.
[Flashback]
In a black void, an eye suddenly appears. It then looks around in confusion.
"Hello? Hello?"
"Alucard?" Blake asks.
"So, is this what happened to him 30 years ago?" Jaune asks.
Suddenly, a soul appears before Alucard.
"Hey."
"Hi…?"
"Name's David. I'm an accountant."
"Don't remember asking." Alucard deadpans.
"And I'm sad."
Alucard's eye widens. "Ahhh, Jesus."
"*Alucard Voiceover* Turned out I was trapped inside myself with 3,424,867 people."
"That sounds like a shity time." Roman says.
"…So you didn't have a ton of friends."
"I think it was cause I was ugly." David says.
"Hm, probably."
"Ohh…"
"Ah, but who gives a fuck? That just means the people who liked you for you were more deserving."
"...Good talk. ...I guess." Yang says.
"Oh."
"It's like your ugliness curated their shittiness."
"Oh. Y-yeah, you're right."
David vanishes.
"Huh… Well, that was—"
Another soul suddenly appears in front of Alucard.
"I'm Becky."
"Ohhhh…" Alucard drawls in realization.
"And I don't want to be racist, buuuut…
"Shiiiit…"
"*Voiceover* And my only way out… was to help them out."
"You mean to tell me he had to play therapist to ALL 3,424,867 of his souls?" Cinder asks incredulously.
"Not even I was subjected to that kind of torture in all my years." Salem says with wide eyes.
"I'd say she need's it." Blaze thinks dryly.
[FB; 2 years later]
"And I just… I j-just get so angry, every time I'd see a guy kiss another guy."
"You think maybe you were angry because you couldn't be one of those guys? Because if you were, all your friends might think less of you?"
"Oh. Oh, shit."
"Yeeep."
"...Do you want to make out?"
"I don't date patients."
"Yeah, that's fair."
The soul vanishes.
"Next."
"*Voiceover* And I started getting good at it."
[FB; 10 years later]
"So, my son resented me because I never made time for him unless he asked."
"Yup; because if he'd really mattered… …you would have put yourself out there."
"Damn."
The soul vanishes.
"NEXT!"
Another soul appears.
"I don't know why she was angry. I told her I'd support her no matter what she chose."
"That doesn't sound like a partner. That sounds like a clutch."
"Shit, you're right!"
The soul vanishes. Another one then appears.
"Every time I see a girl kissing another girl—"
"You're gay!" Alucard interrupts.
"Ohhhhh…!"
"*Voiceover* Turns out, like, a whole third of them were just in the closet."
Certain female members of the audience look amongst themselves with uneasy expressions.
"Sleeping around wasn't the problem. Being dishonest was."
*Fwoosh*
"And again, that's why your relationships kept failing. Facebook."
*Fwoosh*
"You're gay."
"Dude, you're allowed to like Friends that much; it was a good show."
"But you didn't love the one you were with."
"You're straight! Futa isn't gay... …I think."
Neo giggles perversely.
"Getting angry about books made for horny teenage girls was ridiculous then… …and it's ridiculous now."
*Fwoosh*
"Don't mistake youthful selfishness for genuine malice. Nobody isn't kind of an asshole in their early twenties and if they actually weren't, they were probably sociopaths."
*Fwoosh*
"You're a sociopath!"
*Fwoosh*
"You—"
Alucard cuts himself off after seeing the last soul within him. ...Himself.
"That's... HIS soul..." Oscar says.
"Are we a bad person?"
"Well, let's start with the twenty thousand people we impaled."
"We were pretty mad at dad that day."
[Back to the present]
"And then I spent the last ten years on that." Alucard says.
"Ten years of therapy for himself?" Jaune asks.
"Well, Alucard IS a disturbed individual." Penny says.
"Couldn't you have just killed them all?" Winter asks.
"Ah, I tried. Especially on me."
"So… You're back for good, then?"
Alucard grins. "Bitch, I'm everywhere! …And yet nowhere."
Weiss' eyes widen in realization. "Oh my GOD'S, he's STILL got Blake's soul!"
"But that would mean that he LITERALLY-" Pyrrha says in astonishment.
"HE'S SERIOSULY OP NOW!" Jaune and Yang interrupt.
Winter grins. "Then welcome home, Michael McDoesn't Exist."
"Ha!" Callback." Neo says with a laugh.
Alucard chuckles as Winter walks over to him. "Now come on, girl. You know what I'm here for."
"After thirty years, I'm not the young woman I used to be."
"You do kind of look like a genderbent Ozpin." Alucard suddenly widens his eyes in arousal. "And, it may be the thirty-year dry spell but that is doing it for me!"
If Ozpin was in charge right now, he'd have spat out his coffee.
Winter bites her finger. As her blood drips, she holds her bloody finger over Alucard's mouth. "Well then, my count… Come and get you some sip."
"Keep your arm steady… …my countess."
Alucard sticks out his tongue as Winter's blood falls.
[THE END]
[Extras as the song "Shine" plays during the credits]
"Nice song." Ruby says.
Weiss and Penny nod.
"Ma'am, if I wanted to stab you in the back, I'd have done it between cleaning your ashtrays and laundering Velvet's brassieres." Young Ozpin says.
"But I— I don't—" Velvet says.
"Lace makes me feel confident." Alucard says.
"Nobody "ruined" your childhood! The Teen Titans you liked is still on DVD." Eyeucard says.
"You do kind of look like a genderbent Ozpin." Alucard's eyes widen as he grins. "Why-Boner 3: THE RECKONIIIING!"
That got some laughs from the audience.
"There is no such thing as an ironic fan of "Eromanga Sensei." Eyeucard says.
"Seriously, let Ozpin explain himself." Alucard says. "Maybe he just got tired of doing… What does a butler do?"
"I buttle, sir." Young Ozpin says dryly.
"Ha! See? This is why we're friends, Ozpin."
"Dude, you weren't being a Joey; you were a Chandler trying to be a Joey and you came off as a Ross." Eyeucard says. "And I'm not talking "early seasons" Ross; I'm talking seasons 6 to 9."
"Yeah... I'm not even gonna asks." Yang says.
"So, you ever heard of Schrödinger's cat?" Alucard asks.
"DON'T get us started!" The audience exclaims.
"Yes; I had a lot of time to study physics while you were gone."
"LIIIIIIIIIESSS!" Neo exclaims.
"She's lying!" Velvet says. "She was studying cybernetics!"
"I can do both!"
"Cybernetics? Why?!" Alucard asks in confusion.
"Because the Major was a cyborg!"
"Ho-ho-ho-ho-hold on; why was he a cyborg?"
"RIGHT?!"
"RIGHT?!" The audience exclaims along with Winter.
"That's fucking stupid!"
"WE KNOW!" The audience exclaims.
"And before you ask… YES! This IS a JoJo reference!" Ravencard exclaims.
"Part One was the best." Kid Ozpin says.
"Ah, you would say that ya fucking Brit."
"I prefer Part Two." The Major says.
"WHY WERE YOU A CYBORG!?" The audience exclaims.
"And give me Part Five any day!" Blaze thinks. "...That reminds me, Part Six came out a while ago."
"You killed the last white rhino? Hope the boner was worth it, you fuck." Eyeucard says.
"Uh, by the way, did One Piece wrap up finally?" Alucard asks.
"Yeah, but it's got a sequel called "Two Piece." Winter says.
"Is it any good?"
"Ah, not sure how I feel about Buffy as the main character..."
[Song fades out as the credits end]
[Bonus]
"Wait, there's more?" Jaune asks.
[Open on the Hellsing Estate exterior]
"*Ozpin Voice Over* A long time ago in a big house near London, lived a mother hen and her servants three. Everything was oddly normal for this time of year. Then, one night, a certain magical character visited them changing their lives forever"
A shadow flies over the house with the cry of "Ho ho ho!"
Hearing the voice, Ruby inhales deeply in shock and joy. "SANTA!"
Yang holds her head in exasperation. "Not again..."
Inside the Hellsing manor, Winter sleeps peacefully. That peace is soon broken by the sound of a gunshot. Winter is startled awake. She then runs to the source of the disturbance.
"What was THAT?! Are we under ATTACK?! Status report! STATUS REPORT!"
Winter turns on the lights... and is met with a shocking sight. Inside, she finds Alucard sitting in a chair with his gun drawn. But the victim is who Winter is concerned about.
Alucard sighs. "Before you start..."
The audience is shocked and horrified at Alucard's victim. No one more so than Ruby who stares at the screen with wide eyes. After a moment, the red reaper faints.
"RUBY!" Weiss and Penny exclaim as the two catch their friend/love interest before she falls.
Alucard's victim... was Father Christmas himself!
"Jesus Christ!" Winter exclaims.
"Okay! Before... you... start!"
"HOLY SHIT!"
"Would you care for me to explain?!"
"OH, YES, ALUCARD! I WOULD LOVE TO KNOW WHY YOU SHOT AND KILLED FATHER CHRISTMAS!"
"YEAH!" The audience, minus Ruby who is still unconscious, exclaims.
"He startled me."
"...What?" The audience, minus Ruby, asks after a pause.
"...HE STARTLED YOU?!"
"He... startled... me!
"Oh, well THAT makes it ALL better!" Weiss exclaims sarcastically.
"Oh, well, I guess he should apologize!"
"Well, it's gonna be kind of HARD, 'cause, uh, you know, I shot him."
"Brilliant! So, what are we supposed to DO?!"
Alucard sighs as he stands up. "Well, I guess I have to save Christmas."
"...HUH?!" The audience, minus Ruby, exclaim in indignation.
Winter groans while putting a hand to her head.
"Yup. No other options." Alucard says while take off Santa's coat.
"Bad idea, man!" Jaune says.
"How about ANY other option?! ANY AT ALL?!"
Alucard putts on Santa's coat. "No use trying to put the brakes on this! It's going down!"
Things seem to click for Weiss. "Hurensohn, he planned this! (Son of a bitch!)"
Winter narrows her eyes in suspicion. "...You planned this."
"What?!"
"You planned this! I know you did!"
Alucard scoffs. "You... You honestly don't trust me?"
Velvet suddenly appears in an elf costume.
"MASTER! The sleigh has been secured! Unfortunately, Vixen died, but-" Velvet sees Winter. "Oh..."
Blaze narrows his eyes. "Et tu, Brute?"
Winter raises her eyebrows in realization.
"...You won't BELIEVE how cheap that elf costume was!" Alucard says.
Winter hisses.
"I stole it!"
"AAALLLUU-"
"LET ME HAVE MY NIGHTMARE BEFORE CHRISTMAS MOMENT!"
[Cut back to the Hellsing Estate exterior and Alucard flying over the estate in a sleigh]
"*Ozpin Voice Over* And so, Alucard Claus and his little helper visited many houses that night, until Alucard got bored and kinda wandered off. The End.
"MERRY CHRISTMAS! Alucard exclaims with a laugh.
[THE END]
The audience takes a few moments to digest what just happened.
"...That. Sucked. Balls." Yang says dryly.
"Yeeep!" The rest of the audience, minus Ruby say.
Ruby moans a bit as she wakes up. She then looks around in confusion. "What happened? Last thing I remembered was-"
"You didn't miss anything!" Blaze interrupts. He then waves his hand over Ruby.
In a flash of light, a replica of Hellsing Velvet's Harkonnen II appears in front of Ruby. Ruby eyes the weapon before cuddling it with an adorable squeal. In another flash of light, a replica of Hellsing Ozpin's Microfilament Wires (with gloves) appears in front of Penny. The former android gently takes the gloves with a smile.
"There. As promised." Blaze says.
Suddenly, a tone goes off in Blaze's pocket. Recognizing the tone, Blaze pulls out his Scroll. A green light flashes constantly on the device. Seeing the light, the young god smiles.
"'Bout time." Blaze mutters. He then turns around and walks to a wall on the opposite side of the theater. "If you'll excuse me, something just came up."
"What is it?" Oscar asks.
As Blaze reaches the wall, a piece of it parts. Revealing a secret entrance.
"There's something I have to check on." Blaze says ominously without turning around.
With his piece said, Blaze walks into the secret entrance. The walls then close.
Blaze walks down the hall with his hands in his pockets. After a while, he begins to climb a flight of stairs. As the young god reaches the top, he comes across a door. Blaze pauses for a moment before opening the door. Inside the room appears to be a few shelves with dozens of books and a lounge chair. However, someone seems to be occupying it. Next to the unknown person is what appears to be a heart monitor. Blaze walks over to the person and unhooks the monitor from the person as they begin to stir. With a moan, the person slowly sits up and puts a hand on their head. Revealing the person to have pale skin.
"Easy there. Don't try to move too fast." Blaze says gently.
"Ugh. My head is spinning." The person says with a raspy feminine voice.
Blaze materializes a glass of water and hand it to the woman.
"Thank you." The woman says. She then slowly drinks her water. Once finished, the woman hands the glass back to Blaze who makes the glass vanish.
As Blaze checks the heart monitor, the woman speaks in a stronger voice. "Where am I?"
"In my study." Blaze says. "You've been unconscious for a long time." Blaze gives the monitor results one final check before turning back to the woman. "Now, I know you must have a lot of questions, but first... do you remember who you are?"
As Blaze looks at the woman, a pair of silver eyes stare back at him. The woman is revealed to be the spitting image of a familiar red reaper. Only older with shoulder-length hair tied back in a half-up/half-down style and wearing a hooded cloak which is white outside and red underneath. Under that cloak is a similar outfit to Ruby's but mostly black: a high-neck décolletage blouse with studded wristbands on the arms, a black and white over bust corset, a skirt with white tulle underneath, gray leggings, and knee-high boots with red soles.
"Of course I do." The woman says. "My name is Summer Rose."
And done! That's all for the Hellsingverse folks! What a ride. When I finished typing the ending for episode ten, I couldn't help but add the Christmas special too. Hope you all enjoyed it! So yeah, my special guest is Summer Rose! A few chapters ago, I mentioned someone being asleep. Well, here you go. Summer's been brought back to life.
Now, as I said before, this story is gonna go on hiatus for while I focus on my other stories. I've even thought of a few new one's in my spare time. Wanna know where our next stop is in this fic? I've got three words for you. IT'S MORPHING TIME!
Until next time, ja nee!