Chapter 12
It's been two days since I first came to the Kazekage mansion and I'm still avoiding Gaara. Well, avoiding him as much as I can. Sure he had work, but I had duties here too. Presenting myself to the council was a daunting one. I didn't know what would happen if I gave a bad first impression. Would they refuse agree with the terms and send me back? Which would mean completely new delegations for another treaty. At least Mother drilled poise and etiquette into my head. I was able to make it out unscathed. But even while I was there, I didn't really talk to Gaara. That probably didn't leave the best impression.
I don't know what to say to him. What is there even to say? It's not like I can apologize, there's nothing to really apologize about. Still, the sadness he felt when I pulled away still haunts me. I shouldn't have flirted with him if I wasn't ready for things to get so intimate so soon. Why had I even flirted with him? I should've just been happy I won the argument. Now I feel like I can't leave the room without dying of embarrassment. Now I can't look a Gaara without feeling a twinge of pain in my heart.
I can't seem to make up my mind on how I feel about this wedding and how I'll behave because of it. Scared? Angry? Stubborn? Flirty? Excited? It's all too confusing, I just don't want to hurt Gaara anymore. He has to be frustrated and confused by my behavior. I'd be able to tell myself but I'm a coward and turned my powers off when I was repacking to move rooms. God, he must think I'm the biggest tease. I feel like a massive tease. And the worst thing is I still don't know a thing about him. Age, job, and siblings: that's all I know and now I feel too embarrassed to ask for more.
I flop onto the bed, hair and arms splayed. I'm so bored. I've been holed up in this room since breakfast. I forgot how hard it was going to be to avoid Gaara on Saturdays when he doesn't have work. Now it's lunch but I can't go out, breakfast was awkward enough. Neither of us said a thing; the sounds of the utensils hitting the plates were excruciating. I didn't look up from my plate so I couldn't read Gaara's expression, like he has any anyway. If I hadn't turned my abilities off, I could read his emotions, but I don't want to feel him sad again. I know if I go to lunch it'll be just as awkward as breakfast. And then we'll have more of the same at dinner. Tomorrow is going to be just as painful.
If I had a book to read, then I could distract myself through lunch. Wouldn't be the first time I used books to escape the realities of a given situation. Mother hated when I would skip meals to read but it was a nice break from all the distain I felt in the castle. A good book could carry me through the whole day, makes me miss the library back home. There's a library here, but Gaara could be anywhere in the mansion. I don't know if I should risk going, I could accidentally run into him. I have noticed that he hasn't been much of a second shadow today, not that I've given him a chance to, maybe I can sneak over and grab a book before he notices me.
I poke my head out of my room; looking both ways I see its all clear. Ok, so far so good. If I'm remembering correctly then the library is downstairs next to the living room. As quietly as I can, I walk down the hall and stairs, looking in all directions once I reach the landing. Perfect, no Gaara. I pause when I reach the library door; it's closed and anything, or anyone, could be on the other side. I'm too much of a chicken to go into this blind. I'm just too embarrassed to face Gaara right now.
I sense him on the other side of the door as soon as I turn my abilities back on. Just my luck. He's sad and it hurts just as much as I expected it too. Surprise radiates from him for a second before he starts walking towards me. Oh god, he must have heard me. What should I do? I can't just leave, he knows I was here. If I try to make an escape now then he'll know I was avoiding him. I'd rather have plausible deniability about that. Gah, but I don't want to face him now; I'm not emotionally prepared for it.
I wait too long to think about what to do next. Gaara opened the door and now I'm standing face to face with the one person I don't want to face right now. I squirm as soon as he looks at me with those piercing eyes. I don't know how long we stand there, just staring at each other, before he opens the door wider so I have the space to come in. I sheepishly stand off to the side of the room, hyperaware that Gaara closed the door behind us. I think he saw me peeking at the door because he opens it soon afterwards. Not going well, I don't want him to think I think he's some predator.
"Uh, I wanted to get a new book." I would slap myself in the forehead if Gaara wouldn't think I was crazy for doing so. Obviously I came to get a book, it's a library. Why else would be here? And oh my god, I have to stop fidgeting when he looks at me. "I finished the one I brought from home." He only nodded towards me, before he walked over and sat at the desk sitting in the corner of the room. Surrounding him were books and papers stacked high on the desk. Is he working? Maybe I'm bothering him. I don't want to do that on top of teasing him. Should I leave? I should have stayed in my room, coming here was probably a mistake. I don't even know what I want to read. Just focus on picking a book. Any book.
"Do you need help finding a something?" Suddenly startled by Gaara's intrusion of my thoughts, I turn my head to find him no longer at his desk and now standing next to me. I notice that he's keeping his distance from me this time. It fills me with a little bit of relief, but it also reminds me about how flighty I've been here. We've fought more than we have had actual conversations. Our latest argument I pushed us into a situation I had no idea how to handle. I probably look very hot and cold. "I'm sorry about the other day…. when I pushed you away. I shouldn't have done that. I-" He interrupted me before I could finish. "Do not apologize for stopping us. If you ever feel uncomfortable with the way I touch you then feel free to say so. I will never force myself on you."
His words pushed a weight off my chest and I could breathe easier again. He isn't mad at me. He doesn't think I'm a tease. He continued, "I should be the one apologizing. I should have stopped the first time you pulled away from me." He's apologizing to me? Has he been feeling as bad as I have these past few days? I can feel the sadness surrounding him. I don't want him to feel bad about this. "Um, it's not like I didn't enjoy it…" His eyes squared in on mine, "Really?" Before I knew it we were in the same position we were in two days ago. His hand on the small of my back. Other hand under my chin. Zero distance between us. Falling into the gravity of his eyes again. Like I told Gaara, I can't say I don't enjoy this.
But still, gossip. "What if…" I squirm in his arms but don't push him away this time, "What if someone sees us. People will talk about how we're being inappropriate." A small chuckle rumbled from his chest, "No one is coming in and out of my house. We're all alone here." Oh. All alone? His thumb moves from my chin and begins stroking my bottom lip. I shudder. Is he going to kiss me? Do I want him to? I don't not want him to. But I don't feel an exorbitant need to kiss him either. Shouldn't it be a resounding yes first?
This would be my first kiss. Am I overthinking it? I overthought before and we didn't speak for two days, I can't do that again. "Is this okay? Are you uncomfortable?" He stood there, expectantly waiting for my answer. "I've never been this close to a guy before. I'm nervous but not a bad nervous. It's just all new." He only nodded as he digested what I said. I don't know how it was possible, but he pulled me even closer to him. I was completely flush against his body. "No previous boyfriends?" Ugh, I really don't want to talk about this. I try to hide the sadness in my voice, "No one was interested before." I wonder what he'll feel about that. It makes me sound like some sort of defective good. I wonder if I disappoint him.
"You're too beautiful for that to be true." My face begins to heat up. What? I bury my face into his chest. Did he just call me beautiful? Me? He laughed softly, "Are you going to get embarrassed every time I complement you?" Probably. "I'm not embarrassed." What a stupid, bald-faced lie. Gaara laughs again, this time a little louder, "I know you're embarrassed." I rapidly shook my head, "I'm not. You can't possibly know that." Can't possibly except for the fact that I can't lift my head from his chest. His hand that was previously on my chin snaked its way to the back of my head. He starts rubbing my back with the other one. I shudder under him again. "I know exactly how you're feeling. You're embarrassed." I dare myself to look up at him, "How do you know that?" He laughed, "The same way you know how I'm feeling. I can feel your emotions too." What?