Chapter 17
"I'm going to be sick." I felt nauseous the moment I woke up; its only increased since I put on my kimono. I look down at the intricate fabric and embroidery and feel much worse. What if I throw up on it? What then? That'd ruin the wedding for sure. Mother was putting decorations in my hair, "That's just wedding day jitters. I thought I was going to trip and embarrass myself when I was marrying your father." Oh god, I hadn't thought of that. What if I do trip and fall?
What if I do anything embarrassing. Weddings are so long and there's so many different times I can embarrass myself. Oh I'm definitely going to be sick. "What if I forget how to do something? What if I say something embarrassing?" I have to go out in a few minutes and I'm not ready for that. "Now Aiko, I don't want you to worry about a thing. Today is going to breeze by in the blink of an eye, you should savor every moment." Breeze by? I doubt it.
I wonder if Gaara is as nervous as I am; I wish I could only sense him instead of everyone's muddying together. I wish he was here; he's gotten very good a calming me down. I wonder what he's thinking right now. I wonder if he's worried about the wedding too. I wonder if he's worried about me because I'm so worried right now. I really wish I could feel only him right now.
"Dear, its time." My nausea intensifies somehow. I let her pull me from my feet and out the door, I hear the hair decorations jingle as I walk down the hallway. Knots form in my stomach with each step towards the large double doors that open up to the wedding hall. I try to focus on Gaara's voice and try to calm down. Breathe in, breathe out. In, out. It actually helped calm me down a little. The more I think about his voice, the calmer I get.
And suddenly the door swings open, and I have a thousand eyes on me. In, out. In, out. There's a lot of people watching me. I know I'm going to fall. Ok, calm down. Just focus on a central point then walk towards that. Just focus on a central point ahead of me and walk towards that. Just focus on Gaara. He looks so nice in his Kuromontsuki haori hakama; the dark blue silk complemented his eyes.
I look only at him, and I can finally focus on just his emotions. He's nervous too. That actually makes me feel a lot better. Before I know it, I'm standing next to him at the altar. And then before I know it, it's all over. Mother was right, it did breeze by. I just focused on Gaara the entire wedding, and now he's leading me around the reception, introducing me to everyone attending. I know I should have expected a large attendance because of who we both are but there are a lot of people here with a lot of emotions.
I've never been good in crowds. The large number of emotions all in one space always overwhelm me. At least they're all mostly positive, weddings will do that to a person. The council members from each of our respective courts seem giddy. The kind of pisses me off but I try push that away. I could feel Gaara get curious, but he didn't say anything to me about it. I try to focus on the people I'm meeting in front of me.
Gaara was talking to a very loud man with blonde spikey hair and blue eyes. "I can't believe we're at your wedding! I never would have thought I'd see the day." Loud and rude. Gaara doesn't seem to mind though. Standing next to him was a black-haired woman with the strangest eyes, but I guess I shouldn't be surprised by stuff like that by now. Everyone here is weird in some way. I bet she's a ninja too, she has to be.
"Congratulations on your wedding Gaara-sama, Aiko-san." She's a lot more polite than her companion. Its strange seeing someone so timid with someone so boisterous but maybe opposites attract. "Aiko," I come out of my thoughts and turn to focus on Gaara, "this is Naruto and his wife Hinata. They're old friends." Old friends? From his childhood I bet. I wonder what he was like; I'll have to ask him later. Right now I just have to get through this reception.
"Hello." I try to give them a bright smile, "Its nice to meet you both." They both have pretty calm, happy emotions. Naruto seems to wear his emotions on his sleeve while Hinata seems more reserved. Like I said, opposites attract. Gaara is called away and for the first time since the reception started that I'm away from him. Its kind of unnerving. Alone with his friends.
Defying my first impression of Naruto, he gets serious. His emotions shift as well. "Will you be kind to him?" The question catches me off guard and he became worried. "Uh. Yes. Of course." Why wouldn't I be? "Good. He's been through a lot." A lot? I definitely need to ask Gaara questions later. The next thing he says sucks the wind out of me, "I hope you love him." Guilt washes over me. I know he loves me at least a little bit. I have no idea how I feel about him besides I enjoy being around him. I feel the need to lie, "Of course."
Warm water washes away the soap covering my body. Finally done with the reception, finally I can relax. Well, relatively relax. I know what's going to happen once I leave this bathroom and I'm not sure I'm ready for it. Plus I'd feel guilty having sex with him without sorting out my feelings first. Gaara's being patient but I can feel him becoming nervous. Which is fair, I'm hiding in the bathroom and my emotions are running higher and higher.
Ok, I can't stay in here forever. I mean I've washed myself five times now; I'm turning into a prune. I try to calm my nerves as I get dressed. In, out. In, out. Gaara's standing next to the door now, waiting for me to come out. As soon as I open the door he asks if I'm ok. It would be stupid to lie and say I'm fine; he would immediately call me out about it. I try to give him a smile but it comes out strained.
"Its nothing. Just nervous about tonight." I feel a small bit of relief enter him but he's still worried. "That's not nothing." He starts stroking my cheek, "What can I do?" He's being so nice; I don't know why he expected otherwise. He's always been incredibly kind to me. It makes me feel even guiltier. I should trust him by now. He becomes more worried, "What are you feeling right now?" Right, he can feel my emotions. It's becoming more and more inconvenient.
"I feel…" I don't really know how he'll feel if I tell him the truth. I don't want to make him upset. No, stop. I have to trust him. I doubt he'll be upset about it; instead he'd probably get more worried. I don't want him to feel that either. But its not like I can really lie. "I feel guilty." Like I thought, he got more worried. "You don't have to feel guilty about being nervous about tonight. I want you to feel comfortable."
He says that but its not like I can just calm myself down. At this point I feel like I have to rely on Gaara to do that for me. As if he could read my thoughts, he kisses my forehead then pulls me into a hug. My body immediately relaxes into him; it feel like instinct at this point. "We don't have to have sex tonight if you're not ready." I don't really feel like that's an option, "We're supposed to." As soon as the words leave my mouth, Gaara lifts my chin up so my eyes can meet his. "We never have to have sex. I don't want you to feel like you have an obligation to have sex with me."
He says that, and its calming, but I still feel like a bad wife. I mean I was ready before, wasn't I? The first time we kissed, I we almost did do it. I have to trust him, but I still feel guilty. I hug his chest tighter and try to calm myself down while he rubs circles on my back. "Let's go to sleep." I nod my head but can't seem to move from the spot. Before I could respond, he picks me up and carries me to the bed, setting me down gently.
Gaara lays down next to me then pulls me into his arms again. I melt into him and for the first time since going into the shower, I feel like I can breathe easily again. I missed sleeping next to him. I'm sure he could feel how worried and uncomfortable I was the three nights we had slept apart. I had gotten too used to sleeping next to him too fast. I tossed and turned all night. Now, sleeping with him just felt right. I try to focus on the calm feeling I get to temper my nerves.
I can feel him start to get less worried the calmer I become. It's starting to feel like our emotions are mirroring each other. I doubt that would be happening if we couldn't feel each other's emotions. I'm starting to appreciate our ability to do so. I sigh as Gaara starts to rub circles on my back again. I must be more tired than I thought because I immediately start to drift off to sleep.
"I care about you." I don't know why I felt the need to tell him that. Maybe it was because of the conversation I had with Naruto earlier today. It isn't exactly a lie but I don't know if I should've said it or kept quiet. Happiness fills him and I feel better at it. It makes me happy to feel him happy. "I care about you as well. Let's go to sleep." I nod my head then settles into him. I focus on Gaara and his happiness as I drift off to sleep.