Chapter 24
I can't focus on dinner; I keep thinking about Himari. I know she was probably just trying to get to me but our conversation got stuck in my head, specifically the part where I'm a burden to Gaara. I'm not a burden, am I? I can't be. Well, Gaara has had to save me a few times, but that doesn't bother him, does it? It has to take a lot of effort to keep me safe, and it would be easier on him if I could protect myself even a little bit. I've had too many close calls.
I jump when a pair of arms wrap around my waist, whipping around from my spot by the stove. Gaara places his hands on my waist to steady me; one of his hands move to my cheek, "I'm sorry, I should have told you I was home." I feel like it was my fault though. I shouldn't be so distracted at home, me being distracted is part of how I was kidnapped the last time. I have these powers that can tell me where anyone in a 2-kilometer radius is in relation to me; I bet if I actually used that to my advantage instead of being in my head all the time, I'd be kidnapped a lot less. Maybe I am a burden.
Gaara's hand moves to under my chin, lifting it so my eyes meet his, "Are you ok?" He feels so worried; he's always worried about me. I feel like even more of a burden. Both of his hands cup my cheeks, "Aiko, what's wrong?" Him questioning me further only makes me feel worse, to the point where I start to tear up. I turn back to the stove, refusing to cry. I'm determined not to destroy dinner this time; if I'm going to be a burden then I'm going to do everything I can to make Gaara's life easier.
He wraps his arms around my waist again, holding me the entire time I finish dinner. I turn the stove off and take in what I made, decent but I bet Gaara has had better. I bet Himari could do better. There's a sour taste in my mouth when I think about her. I place my hands on his arms so I can pull away from him, his grip only tightened. "I have to set the table." My voice sounds weak, even to me. "Not until you tell me what's wrong." How can I do that? What if he agrees? He probably won't say it but there's this unique mixture of emotions everyone has when they lie; I'd immediately be able to tell. I honestly would rather not know.
How should I answer though? My first instinct is to say 'nothing', but he'd see right through that. I can't lie to him for the same reason Gaara can't lie to me, besides its obvious something is wrong. Really anyone would be able to tell something is wrong. Even still, I can't bring myself to tell him what's bothering me. How many times have I cried or needed to be brought down from panic attack by him; he has to be getting sick of comforting me at least.
Gaara turns me around so I can face him, "Aiko," One of his hands cup my face while the other wrapped around my back, holding me in place, "tell me." What if he doesn't think I'm a burden? I would've gotten worked up all other nothing. Worse I got worked up over something his ex-fiancée said, I should just automatically not listen to anything that comes out of her mouth. Himari most likely has an ultimate goal to say or do anything that would make me upset. But if I'm not a burden, I want to hear it from him.
I turn away from him; even if I want to hear it, I don't want to be facing him when I ask. "Am I a burden?" Confusion immediately overtakes him; at least he isn't outright agreeing that I am one. Which means I let Himari get to me over nothing, which means I'm crying over nothing. He tries to turn me back around, but I really don't want to look at him right now, I feel too ashamed. I can't believe I let Himari get to me. And now I'm bothering Gaara when he has more important real-world problems to deal with, Kaito being a major one. If I wasn't a burden before, I sure am becoming one now.
"Uh, never mind. That was a stupid question." I'm just feeling insecure, I just need to get over it. I try to pull away again, but he won't let me go. We stand there quietly for a while before he speaks again, "Do I make you feel like you're a burden?" I whip around to face him as soon as he says that, "No!" I look down again, "No…. I'm just being stupid." I'm getting mad at myself now; I really am being stupid, overreacting from one passive aggressive comment.
"I'm going to go set the table." I try to push away from him a third time but again, he doesn't let me go. "I really need to set the table." He doesn't say anything, but I can feel his eyes on me. I have to get control over my emotions, Gaara won't let me go unless he thinks I'm ok again. I should start practicing self-soothing anyway. But how can I make myself feel better? Back at the castle I would just sit in my bad mood and wait for it to pass. That obviously won't work now; I need immediate results.
Before I could think of anything Gaara picked me up and sat me down on the counter; with this new elevated position I'm eye level with him. I close my eyes when he starts kissing me, peppering my face with his soft lips. It feels nice, and it is calming me down, but this is Gaara comforting me. I'm burdening him with my emotions again. I have to learn how to sooth myself; I can't keep relying on him to make me feel better.
"You're not a burden, why would you think that?" Is that really true? What if he just can't see it? I don't want to be a burden, but I do want to tell him. I want him to comfort me, it feels so nice when he does, but I can't keep on relying on him to do so. I swallow the whimper in my throat. I can't keep relying on him, but I want to tell him so badly. "You have to keep saving me…. after I get kidnapped…." I can't look him in the eye, instead just staring at the floor.
He's staring at me again; I can feel him. His confusion also returns, "Of course I come rescue you, why wouldn't I?" That doesn't make me feel better like I was hoping it would; probably because he's misunderstanding what I mean. I know he'll always come save me, the problem is that he has to at all. I shake my head at the floor, "You shouldn't have to keep saving me. You have to protect me too often." When he doesn't say anything, I continue on, "If I was a shinobi, I could protect myself and you wouldn't have to keep worrying about me."
It's quiet again. I wonder what he's thinking, his emotions are a mixture of confusion and concern. It becomes uncomfortable at quiet it becomes. I want him to say something but maybe I shouldn't have said anything at all. I mean how long would he have stood there waiting for me to answer him before giving up and letting me go? Gaara seems like a patient person, we could have been standing by the stove for a while but would he have had us standing there for hours waiting for me to answer him?
"Where is this coming from?" He finally spoke. I'm glad the silence is over, but I don't like the question. It means admitting that I let his ex-fiancée get to me. I wonder how weak he'll think I am if I tell him, or maybe he'll get angry at me. I just want this conversation to be over with so I shrug my shoulders; that only frustrates him, "You're not so insecure that you'd come up with this on your own." No, just insecure enough to let my mind run wild when it's suggested to me. I don't really see much of a difference between the two; either way it points to me being too insecure.
I just shrug my shoulders again which causes him to sigh deeply; great, he's getting even more frustrated now. I don't know why I'm surprised, of course he's going to get sick of me eventually. "We're not leaving this kitchen until you tell me what happened." He sounds serious but I wonder how true that statement is, would he really have us sitting here until I break? Of course he would, Gaara is impossibly stubborn. There's plenty of situations that can be used as evidence of that fact; that time he stayed up watching me all night in the castle comes to mind. It'd be easier to just tell him.
"I…. met Himari…. at the market…." Gaara's mood immediately soured when I said her name, and his face turns into a scowl. Even if it's not directed at me, it hurts to feel him angry right now. "And she called you a burden?" I look down at his feet, "Well no, not exactly…." My bad fidgeting habit returns, "…. she said that she would feel like a burden if she were me." It hurts to say; it hurts to think about the interaction at all. I remember being angry and feeling like it was ridiculous when she said it but the more I thought about it, the worse my confidence got.
"So she called you a burden. Whether directly or indirectly, she called you a burden." I could only nod, I feel stupider when he says it plainly like that. I hear him sigh before he lifts my chin for the second time today, "I want you to listen and take in what I'm about to tell you," His eyes feel so loving and sincere; I find myself leaning into them, grabbing his shirt to steady myself and keep from falling over. I quickly nod my head.
"You are not a burden. I love you; I will always save you. Even if I have to do it a thousand times, I will always save you. And no matter how many times I have to save you, you will never be a burden to me. If I have to remind you of that a thousand times I will." I tear up again but this time out of relief. It's so reassuring to hear, that I'm not a burden. Gaara pulls me into a hug and I melt into him, burying my head in his neck, trying to feel at peace from Himari's comment.
Its late but neither of us are asleep. I'm feeling more and more comfortable in his arms, especially while he's holding me so closely that I can hear his heartbeat. Its calming but I still can't tell if I'm relying on Gaara too much. I never got that question answered today. He says that I'm not a burden, and that has to include comforting me as well, but I still feel like I make him do it too often. I get upset too often and he always has to be there for me; it isn't fair to him.
His hand moves to the small of my back, pulling me closer into him, "You're still anxious." I'm worrying him again; I'm always worrying him. "I'm sorry." He sighs and pulls me upward so we're face to face instead of me looking at his chest. His eyes bore into mine and I find myself becoming lost in them. They looked so concerned, giving away his emotions on his otherwise blank face. It makes me feel awful how often he worries over me.
Gaara brushes my hair behind my ear before leaning over to kiss my forehead. I sigh when his lips linger, leaner further into him to get more contact. "I don't want you apologizing for your feelings. If you're still anxious I want to know." Don't apologize for my feelings; I feel like I've heard him tell me that before, but still, its hard. I'm used to dealing with my feelings myself. And Mother and Father told me to never let anyone see my weaknesses; I've been failing that hard with Gaara.
"You always have to comfort me." I look down at his chest, feeling awful again, "I cry too much" he hums and begins to drum his fingers on my back. I brave a look at his face and see his eyes are closed and he's deep in thought. I wonder what he's thinking about; has to be about me but about what? He opens his eyes suddenly and I gasp at being caught staring at him. His eyes begin piecing a hole through my soul again.
I don't know why but I feel the need to explain myself further, "I should be stronger so I'm not worrying you. It isn't fair that you have to keep comforting me. If I–" Gaara's lips capture mine before I could finish. He grabs my wrists and holds them over my head, shifting so that he's on top of me. I shudder when he looks down at me after sitting up slightly, now leaning on his arms placed on either side of my head caging me in.
"Did Himari tell you your emotions bothered me as well?" My face falls and I look away from him, shaking my head slightly. No, this is my own insecurities at play. I really am pathetic. "Aiko, can you look at me?" Hesitantly I turn my head back towards him, but my eyes focus on his chest instead of his face. I feel him getting frustrated and worried, "Aiko." I can tell by the tone of his voice that he's no longer asking, it's a command and I know what he wants me to do. I slowly reestablish eye contact with him.
He sighs briefly before speaking again, "If this isn't coming from Himari then where is it coming from?" Where is this coming from? From me. Does he really not realize that I'm the problem? Again, I stupidly start to tear up, "I'm sorry. If I was a shinobi I'd be stronger. I'm sorry." I try hard to stifle my crying but I'm failing. He leans down and nuzzles my neck, kissing my cheek, "Aiko" I feel so pathetic; Gaara has to comfort me again.
I grip his sides tightly. I don't understand. He said he couldn't see himself married to Himari. He said I'm not a burden. He said he chose me, but I don't understand why. Why me and not her? Why me and not anyone else? He says it wasn't just out of duty, but then what else is there? I'm not beautiful. I'm no genius. I cry too much. And no matter what Gaara says, I am a burden to take care of. So why me? I don't understand, why me?
"You're shaking." I am? I always seem to now. Gaara holds onto me tighter, trying to stop my trembling. He's so warm and gentil, his arms so caring and strong. I don't feel worthy of being in them. "Why do you love me?" The question surprised both of us, and we're both immediately saddened by it after. Why did I ask that? It'll only bother him more. We should be sleep. He should be sleep. He has work tomorrow, what little sleep he can get is precious. I shouldn't be bothering him with this, with my insecurities. "I'm sorry, that's a stupid question."
He sits up, looking down at me with blue eyes. We're both silently watching the other, waiting for the other to speak. When it gets too much I look at the wall in the opposite direction; crunching myself in a ball hoping to shrink myself away. I want to hide away. I feel so weak, so stupid. I feel even less worthy of being married to Gaara with each passing second. What is wrong with me? Why can't I just be happy like I was at the hot spring? Those moments were only five days ago but they feel like a distant memory now.
I don't look at him even when he pulls me into his arms, staring at his chest instead. I try to hide behind my hair but he brushes it out of my face. "You're very caring." What? I brave a look at him; he's looking at me so lovingly I choke on my breath. "You're a very caring person. Polite, generous, and affectionate. You're understanding; its important to me that I marry someone that understands how much I have to give to the village. You're very understanding of the work I have to put into being the Kazekage, I've never felt you resentful of when I've had to go to work."
His hand cups my cheek and I can't help but lean further into his warmth. "You have an admirable sense of duty and honor. You have honest eyes; I can see right through you. It makes it amusing when you do try to lie, you're very bad at it. Not even just lying, I can read every emotion you feel just by looking at you. Even when you try to hide them from me, I can tell what you're feeling." So I can't hide my emotions, Father would be disappointed.
"You're sensitive." My eyes snapped to his, so he does think I'm sensitive. "I don't know why you see it as a negative, I love how sensitive you are." He does? "Its one of my favorite things about you." My eyes water but I don't look away from him, silently urging him to continue. "I love the reactions I get when I tease you, how honest you are with your emotions. You're empathetic and kind. I love feeling you happy and I want nothing more than to protect you when you're upset. Nothing makes me happier than knowing you feel safe enough to share your emotions with me. I love caring for you and comforting you. Your emotions will never be a burden to me."
Gaara places a soft kiss on my forehead. I curl into him, feeling more and more calm with each passing moment. "You're very beautiful. Breathtaking," So he keeps saying, but is it actually true? I don't sense him lying to me so why do I still feel so insecure about this. "Um…" Maybe if I ask, I mean how do I compare to her? Or maybe it would be better to not know. No, I need to know how he feels. I'll just constantly second guess myself without a true answer.
"Himari is really pretty." I look down hoping he understands me without me actually having to say it. Does he think she's prettier than me? Another soft kiss is placed on my forehead before Gaara lifts my chin up so I'm looking at him, "Himari doesn't compare to your beauty, not in the slightest." My heart begins to swell at his words. "You have to be the most beautiful woman in the village, the most beautiful woman I've ever met." I can't sense an ounce of lying from him, he actually believes that. My face heats up and I involuntarily smile at the thought.
Better, I finally feel better. I finally feel at peace from the conversation with Himari. Gaara really is good at making me feel fine again. "Himari is a ruthless individual," I look back at him, "while that is a good characteristic in a shinobi, it is not in a wife. Especially not in the wife of a kage. Her antagonizing you unprompted is further proof I made the right choice in breaking our engagement."
He kisses my forehead then leans his on mine, staring into my eyes. We sit like that for a few moments, just looking into each other's eyes. its strange how easy it is for to settle into silence and how calming that silence is to me. I'm really starting to love sitting quietly in his arms; just taking him in. He really is amazing; I break the silence to tell him so, "I admire how strong you are." Happy. He's happy and that only makes me happy. I want him to always be happy.
"You're strong and handsome. And you're a very dedicated to your position, I admire that too." I begin the run my fingers up and down his arm, settling into the comfortable feeling surrounding us, "You're always so kind to me, and you're so understanding." Gaara takes my hand and brings my fingers to his lips, kissing them softly and holding them there. I kiss his neck and lay my head on his chest, closing my eyes; I love him more and more with each passing day. Gaara kisses my fingers again, "Let's go to sleep."