Chapter 25

"We've transferred Kaito to Hozuki Castle today." I nearly drop my chopsticks when Gaara says it. My eyes snap up from my bowl on the table and look at him with wide eyes. I knew Gaara had come home on edge, but why did he wait to tell me this until after dinner? I figured something happened at work based on varying his emotions, but I wasn't expecting this! "Does that mean he talked?!" Wrong question to ask, he immediately gets frustrated. He closes his eyes and lets out a laborious sigh, "No."

Just no? Is that all he's going to tell me? That can't be it, but how do I ask for more without frustrating him further? Or is this just going to be a frustrating conversation for him? "Aiko," His eyes finally opened and he's looking directly at me, "I have to leave Suna for a kage summit. I'll be leaving in three days," He's leaving? And in three days? That's pretty soon. Am I going with him? "– that should give us enough time to tell if Kaito made it there and was committed. If he was then you can stay home, but if he escapes then you'll be coming with me to Konoha."

Oh, so the default 'IS' that I don't go. Why does that bother me so much? At the beginning of our relationship, I would have been thrilled to be alone for once. Gaara hadn't left my side since we've gotten engaged; I hadn't realized how use to that I was. "Aiko," Hearing him surprised me, I was stuck in my head again. I have to stop doing that. He beckoned me over and I immediately came to him; I'm doing that a lot now, just coming to him when he calls. He pulled me into his lap and I laid my head on his shoulder, settling into him.

"Are you ok?" I shouldn't try to hide my feelings, but I want to. Gaara had just told me he liked comforting me two nights ago, but this feels so small in the grand scheme of things. Still, I shook my head no. I'm not ok with him leaving, I'm going to miss him. I sit up and look at him, "How long will you be gone?" I hope not too long; I'm not looking forward to sleeping without him. When my parents were here, I tossed and turned every night I was out of his arms. I got too used to him too fast.

Gaara kissed my cheek, "Three or four days at the most." Three or fours days. I could do that. I'll still won't be able to sleep well, but that's how long my parents were here, and I survived that. Besides, he said he liked that I was understanding of his job and he's probably going to have to travel some for it; I have to be ok with him being gone. And Konoha is only half a day's train ride away from here; he won't be far away from me.

But I'll still miss him. I'm going to miss sleeping next to him. I'm going to mis his hugs and kisses. I'm going to miss doing what we've been doing every night before sleeping; my face heats up thinking about it. He gives me a knowing smirk but I ignore it and lay my head back down on his shoulder. I wonder if I'm being too needy. I know he has to travel for his job. I mean he came all the way to the Land of Fish to negotiate a treaty, I should've expected this. But I didn't; for some reason I had it stuck in my head that he'd always be near me. How silly of me.

I whispered into his neck, "I'm going to miss you." I don't want him to go. "I'm sorry I have to leave." He sounds so sincere, and I can feel sadness coming off of him. He's probably feeding off my own feelings, and I do feel bad right now. But he isn't leaving to hurt me; I feel guilty. I can't go sulking around, that's not fair to Gaara. I immediately sit up, "I'll be ok!" I then immediately get embarrassed by my outburst; I definitely didn't need to yell that. At least Gaara found it amusing; enough so that his sadness dissipates.

I speak more softly this time, "Um, I'll be ok. You don't have to worry about me." Gaara stroked my cheek then kissed the other, "I know. I'm only worried about Kaito." But Kaito should be in Hozuki Castle while he's gone, he shouldn't have anything to worry about. I sense something in him; not exactly a lie but not the whole truth either. I wonder what he's thinking about. Even though he's pretty open with me, I still feel like he holds some things back. I mean I still don't know much about him. I still don't know how he thinks.

I stand up and kiss his forehead; he seems to do that to cheer me up a lot, I hope I can offer him the same comfort, "I'll be ok." I turn around and look at the table; dinner is pretty much finished, especially after this short but heavy conversation. I feel like the mood of the room just soured. I start to clear it off when I feel his arms wrap around me. Gaara pulls my hair away from my neck and brushing it over my shoulder so he has better access to kiss my neck. His lips linger and he pulls me tighter into him. "I'll miss you too."

I lean my head back against his chest and sigh. I really will miss being in his arms. Since I've been here Gaara has slowly increased the amount he touches me and I've gotten used to him touching me. I remember that first day he hugged me in the library and how it freaked me out. We've had such a large change to our relationship since then and the scary thing is I don't know when it happened. I remember feeling so unsure of my feelings towards him but now I don't want him to go away. Its like a switch flipped and I immediately started to love him, and I don't really know if that's a bad thing.

I'm pressed tight against him, with Gaara continuing to kiss up and down my neck. One of his hands slips under my shirt, "I'll miss being with you." There's a double meaning there but I think I know exactly what he's actually talking about. Its hard not to notice the burning arousal he is starting to emit. Its also hard not to notice his hands as they roam my body. His right hand slid up my stomach, pulling my shirt up with it, until it settled on my bra. His other hand travelled downward, squeezing my thigh.

"Gaara," my voice comes out strained, "the dishes…" I don't really know why I brought them up, I don't really care about the dishes. Not when he has his hands on me like this. "Clean them later." With his words I easily forget about what's on the table. When his hands found themselves under my clothes, I forget what room we're even in. My face heats up and mind races as I think about what we're about to do, what I want to do.

His hands continue to roam over my body, and I slip further and further into my arousal. My breathing turns heavy as Gaara's hand moves from my thigh to between my legs, rubbing me slowly. The kisses he peppers on my neck sends chills down my spine. That need of more I felt our first night together comes back in full force. I turn around in his arms so I can kiss him. My own arms move from his chest to wrap around his neck and we deepen the kiss.

I eventually break the kiss for some air, despite all my experience with diving and swimming Gaara has the better breath control out of the two of us. I bury my head in his chest while I try to catch my breathe. He responds by pulling my shoulders away from him while keeping my body close, "You can't breathe like that." I look up at him quizzically. It makes sense when he takes that stance when I'm having a panic attack and access to air is paramount but I'm fine now, I can breathe just fine now. Gaara looks down at me, "It worries me when you do that."

Unfair. He knows how I feel when he says things like that. He knows I can't help but melt into him. "It's not fair when you say things like that." I lean up to kiss his cheek and lay my head on his chest, making sure my airway is clear, "It makes me love you more and more." Gaara's arms tighten around my waist, "Is that a bad thing?" He tries to keep his voice level but his emotions tell me he's slightly worried about my answer. I slowly shake my head no. Why is he so worried? Did I worry him that much when my feelings were less sure or is there something more?

I remember what Naruto said at our wedding reception; he's been through a lot. I never asked Gaara what that meant. I don't know much about him or his childhood at all. I told myself I would ask later but later never seemed to come. I'm always complaining about not knowing him to myself, I may as well ask now that things have calmed down a bit. I lean up to kiss him and then ask, "What were you like when you were younger?"

The shift in his mood was intense and dramatic. His body became rigid and hard, the fear he emitted sent chills down my spine. I couldn't help the change in my own mood in response to his. What happened? What did I do wrong? His gripped tightened to the point that it was slightly painful, and his eyes gained a hollow look to them. "Gaara?" I twist in his arms to try and loosen his grip. I feel his accelerated heart rate when I place my hands on his chest to push away from him. "What's wrong?"

No good; he seems completely shellshocked, frozen in place. His eyes are wide and his mouth is opened slightly in surprise. It's a scary reaction; even when I've been in danger he's never reacted in fear like this before. I place my hand on his cheek ready to start comforting him like he usually does for me but then he stops. Face stone and cold like a mountain. It hurts; I'm used to him being reserved to others, but he's never done that to me before. Something must really be wrong.

I hug him and feel his arms retighten around me though with less pain, "Are you ok?" My heart tightens in my chest; I want him to be ok again, I need him to be ok again. Is this how Gaara feels whenever I have a panic attack of my own? Is he even having a panic attack right now? He's so hard to read sometimes. I want to believe he'd tell me if he was, but I don't even know if he's prone to them at all. He seems so strong like it'd never happen to him but here we are now.

He doesn't respond for a while so I press on, "Did I do something wrong?" He seems to snap out of his frozen state at this question. I look up at him and, still stone faced, he answers me, "No" He pauses, thinking deeply before going on, "I'm fine. I was just surprised by your question." In one quiet and swift movement Gaara loosens his grip on my waist and takes my hand from his cheek, kissing my fingers before holding me at arm's length. The distance and coldness in his voice hurts slightly but I try to ignore it for now.

That's one hell of a reaction to a surprise question. It makes me want the answer to it more but I also want to drop the conversation entirely to get back to the loving atmosphere we were in before. When we first talked I told him I was isolated as a child so our childhoods mirrored each other but with this reaction that can't be completely true. Or maybe it is? Whenever I think of my birth mom and what she had done to me I freeze up too, was Gaara abused? What happened to him?

"Let's watch a movie." I don't think I care either way. I don't need to know about his past enough to leave him feeling like this. This conversation obviously affects him negatively, incredibly so, I don't need to sit in these bad feelings to find out exactly what happened. "I haven't really watched anything since I came. It'd be a shame if we let the tv in the living room go to waste." I need Gaara to be ok again. If I can distract him to put him at ease, then I will.

I don't give Gaara the chance to disagree before pulling him out of the dining room to the living room. I don't let go of him until we're in front of the couch, picking up the remote from the side table. I don't realize the small flaw in my plan until I'm mindlessly flipping through the channels tasked with actually finding a movie that's playing right now. I don't even know what these channels are. I haven't watched tv since I came to this dimension; Father frowned on tv when books were available, and books were always available in the palace.

I stop flipping channels when I feel strong arms wrap around me from behind and a head begin to nuzzle me in my neck. I almost feel like he should be shaking right now but Gaara is perfectly still. It's eerie how still and quiet he's being right now. He still has an overwhelming feeling of fear on him but it's not as bad as it was a few seconds ago. I hope the movie can calm him down completely, I don't know what else to do otherwise.

I'm in luck, the channel I stopped at had a show ending now which means a new show or movie is coming on next. Either would be fine right now. I can't think of anything that would make this moment worse except, maybe, the news. I untangle from Gaara and push him to sit down on the couch then sit next to him, wrapping his arm around my waist again and leaning into his chest. I kiss his cheek and settle into him, ready to offer any comfort I can.

"Are we really going to watch a movie?" He's looking down at me skeptically. That's good, some life is coming back into his features. I nod my head vigorously, "Mhmm" I hug him tightly to try to give him some reassurance, based on his emotions it actually helps a little bit. He looks down at me for a moment then settles into the couch himself and looks towards the screen. His face relaxes and gaze softens a bit. All good signs; after I finish watching him I turn towards the screen as well.

After a second of commercials the next movie's title screen came to view: The Headless Phantom. Oh no, a horror movie? Does it really have to be a horror movie? I've never actually seen one before and I'm unsure if I want to start now. I look at Gaara for a second, his face is blank but I know his underline emotions brewing. I look back at the screen and settle further into him. He seems fine with this movie and this is for Gaara. I'll be fine.

Although getting into the movie I wouldn't really say I was fine. I'm currently squished into Gaara's side and peering through my fingers to watch the next scene of the movie. I'm not sure if this movie is scary necessarily but there is a lot of jump scares. With each one I become more and more on edge and easier to frighten. There's popcorn on the floor from me jumping up when Gaara accidentally scared me.

"We can turn it off if you'd like." I look over to Gaara. He's just as rigid as he was before. His hands arm firmly at his side, never returning to around my waist after I got and cleaned up the popcorn. His eyes are fixed to the tv, seemingly oblivious to the horror playing on it, with that same hollow look in them. Plan distract-Gaara-with-tv isn't working at all; in fact it feels like its making things worse. What do I try now?

"You really do scare easily." He doesn't look at me, eyes still fixed on the screen, but I'm sure he could tell I was focused on him and no longer on the movie. I could hear sadness in his voice when he said the last sentence. Seriously, what's wrong? "Its just a movie, I'll be fine." Gaara only hummed in response, eyes still fixed on the screen. I need to think of something else that will help him feel better. I lay my head on his shoulder trying to think of what to try next. When I do his eyes flicker to me for a moment before focusing back onto the tv. Good, a step in the right direction.

"You know…" I take both of my hands in his left, my thumb stroking him softly. I don't get a response at all; it's bizarre. I'm used to him touching me, its like he turned into a completely different person. All I can do is just keep going forward, "you can tell me anything." His eyes move to mine, lingering for a second before going back to the tv screen. Another good sign, he's listening. What else can I do though? Maybe I can do for him what he did for me the other night; maybe all he needs is a little reassurance.

"Um," I continue to stroke his thumb while I try to think of all the reasons I care about Gaara, "you're amazing. You're very caring." I smile as I think of all the ways he has been kind to me. He's caring to a fault; I feel like he'd do anything for my happiness and safety. Its why I want the same for him. Gaara's happiness is my happiness now. "I've gotten used to being around you." Wait that might sound bad. I quickly added, "I…I've never felt so safe around someone besides my parents."

My words are clumsy, he had made this seem so easy the other night. I wonder if I'm even helping. My plan to watch a movie didn't help, it only made things worse. What if this is the same? What if I can't comfort him? Maybe I shouldn't say anything at all, that might be for the better. I'm pulled from my thoughts when I feel Gaara take his hand out of mine and move to hug me. His head buried itself into my neck and my skin heated up when he spoke against it, "Please continue."

I can feel his mood elevating; I am helping. I'm comforting him. I smile and give a quick peck on his neck. What else do I love about him? "You're very dedicated to your role as the Kazekage. It's admirable. You remind me of Father and it's comforting being in the care of someone so serious about everyone's well-being. You work such long hours and I admire that about you but even still you make time to be with me. I worry about you, that you'll burn yourself out."

It became easier and easier to list off his good traits the more I spoke of them, like a dam has burst open and my words can't help but spill out. There is just so much to love about him; his strength, his calm and soothing demeaner, his honesty. I even like that he teases me, though I hated to admit it. It made me feel special when he gave me so much individual attention. I even grew to love his smothering, but I was smart enough to know to not put it in those exact words. I had gotten used to him being there, holding me. I gained a dependence to his touch.

And Gaara just blossomed under the attention I was giving him. It made me so happy that he was okay again. It made me so happy to know I was able to give him the same comfort he gave me. He's even smiling. A genuine smile I had never seen him display before. I reveled in it, reveled in the glow of that smile. I wanted him to smile more and just for me, "You're very kind and giving. I've never had someone be as kind to me as you."

Another downward shift in his mood, not as dramatic as before but still pretty sullen. What happened? Everything was going so well, what did I do wrong? "If you know of my past self, you wouldn't use those words for me." His past self? This is about me asking what he was like as a child? Gaara turned away from me, going back to watching the tv screen that was now playing ending credits. Shame, its an overwhelming emotion coming off of him. I hated it; it didn't fit him at all. But what can I do?

"Um, Father used to tell me that we are not our past selves, but a combination of our present and future." I could see him peering over at me, but he didn't move otherwise. Instead of waiting for him I took matters into my own hands and came up to him. I sat in his lap and leaned up to kiss his cheek. If I had to guess he was probably surprised by my new boldness; I had always waited for him to pull me into his lap, and now for the second time I'm being the aggressive one. "Your present self is very kind, and I know your future self will be even kinder, so I know in my heart that you are a kind person Gaara. I don't believe your past self is who you are at all."

Another smile, my heart swells at the sight of it. I go to kiss his cheek but he captures my chin with his hand and brings my lips to his. I can't help the giggle that bubbles up in my throat; I really do like his attention. I shyly look down at his chest, "I love how affectionate you are with me." I can sense the smug look on his face before I even see it; that cute, genuine smile replaced by a cocky smirk. I definitely should have kept that to myself, I'll never hear the end of it now.

Gaara leans down and whispers in my ear, "Really?" I shudder under him, reacting to him way to easily. I can only nod my head. I know my voice will squeak if I try to say anything and that will just lead to more teasing. I heard him hum in my ear as he kisses up and down my neck. He captures my lips in his again and before I knew it I was positioned on my back, laying underneath him on the couch. His hands begin to roam my body and leans in close to ask, "What do you want me to do?"

He's asked that same question every night since we first had sex; he never goes further until I answer that question. Its embarrassing answering but I can sense he gets off on it when I do, getting more and more aroused with every word I say. I then I start to get high from his arousal and we begin to feed on each other. Even when he was introducing me to new things it was all in my charge. He kisses me where I wanted to be kissed, touched me where I wanted to be touched, listened when I spoke up, and waited when I wanted to rest.

When I first got engaged to Gaara I was weary of this tall, strange man who was supposed to be my husband. I don't think I could live without him now. I don't think I could live without his touch or that drunk feeling that comes right after. I feel silly for thinking I would be in a loveless marriage; I don't think that's possible with Gaara. He nuzzled my neck and whispered in my ear, "What's my little heron thinking about?" I melt at the sound of his nickname for me. My nickname. No, there's no way it could ever be loveless.

"What did I do to deserve you?" I wanted to know what made me so lucky. He laughed at my question, "I should be asking you that." And then there's that look of adoration. It stops me in my tracks every time. I feel his love engulfing me and I hope he can feel mine. He's looking at me expectantly, arousal burning, and I realize I never answered his question. What do I want him to do? After tonight, there's no question. I lean up to kiss his neck and whisper in his ear, "Everything."